Joan of Arcadia

Grace Polk:
It's the one advantage to being universally despised: you get to say whatever you want.

Luke:
No one ever listens to me, and yet I talk.

Luke:
Wow, the classic geek misdirect. Gee, I'd like to hang out with you, but let's pretend to study.

Joan, Grace:
We're not hanging out.

God:
[about a book] Have you read this?

Joan:
You stole that!

God:
Well, technically everything belongs to me.

Joan:
You are not real!

God:
So people keep telling me.

Joan:
I'm ignoring you!

God:
I'm used to it.

Friedman:
You got to forget about Grace, dude.

Luke:
But I get these feelings. I know it's a biological reaction...

Friedman:
We're not talking biology here. We're talking psychology. You're always throwing yourself against the one gate that's locked. And why? Because you're afraid of going through the gate and enjoying the pleasures of the garden...

Luke:
Hey, hey, I'm not afraid of going through the gate.

Friedman:
Then why are you always walking right past the one gate that's wide open? And don't tell me you don't know who I'm talking about.

Luke:
Glynis?

Friedman:
She's wacky for you, dude. When I took her to the dance, all she talked about was you. Extremely annoying, but, uh... it's because I was wearing cologne and everything.

Luke:
I can't just transfer my feelings from one person to another.

Friedman:
Of course you can. It's built into our DNA. Did you see the look Glynis gave you in Chem today? That's a look you usually have to download.

Luke:
Okay... I appreciate the rather base concern, but I can take care of my own love life.

Friedman:
Right... in the shower.

Adam:
Maybe I'm bad at stuff like this... but we kissed. It's not like I've kissed a lot of girls. Maybe I've only kissed one.

Joan Girardi:
Right.

Adam:
Well maybe it meant something to me.

Joan Girardi:
Maybe it meant something to me, too.

Adam:
I don't... I don't know what to do with it now.

Joan Girardi:
[chuckles] Me neither.

Adam:
Maybe it's like that anti-drug guy said, you know? Romantic love is like a mental illness. It just happens and then what are you gonna do?

Joan Girardi:
Maybe we're just not ready.

Adam:
Okay. I accept that. Were you ready for that other guy?

[Referencing God, whom Joan was dancing with at the party]

Joan Girardi:
That's different. [after a long pause] Hey, wanna dance?

Joan:
Were you being snippy to me? [lets out a breath] God is snippy.

God:
If I seem snippy to you, it's because you understand snippy.

Grace:
[to Joan] Do you have multiple personality disorder? Is that what this is?

Pizza Delivery God:
What, no tip? I got it here under thirty minutes.

Joan:
Like that's hard for you. [she closes the door on him]

Will:
[looking at an art piece] It's a triangle attacking a circle? Well, maybe the circle's rude.

Joan:
You don't think she is right, do you?

Adam:
I usually don't listen to what's going on unless I hear my name.

Luke:
Look, I've really enjoyed our collaboration. I... I feel our intellects and approaches really compliment each other, and I was, you know, hoping you felt the same way.

Grace:
[sarcastically] Stop, stop, you're embarrassing me with your dirty talk.

Joan:
Does my hair look funny?

Grace Polk:
Your hair always looks funny. [laughs] Sometimes it just pops into my head and I just laugh.

Friedman:
I'll rule Trig the way Britney rules Justin.

Luke:
Are you out of your mind?

Friedman:
What?

Luke:
This totally hot girl is doing everything but immolating herself for you. Friedman, the odds of that happening again can only be calculated by a mainframe.

Friedman:
Hey, she's not my type.

Luke:
You don't have a type. You have magazines. Look, you're freaking because you're so used to being the guy that goes chasing after the girl. You can't handle it being the other way around. You think she's either setting you up or there's something wrong with her.

Friedman:
Thank you, Dr. Freud.

Luke:
Please, please just consider the other possible explanation for her interest.

Friedman:
What?

Luke:
Dude, don't - don't make me go there.

Friedman:
What? What?

Luke:
You're in junior mensa. Think.

Friedman:
I got nothin'.

Luke:
You're - [whispering] you're a great guy. You have a lot more going on than people think. You're sensitive and caring and some might say appealing.

Friedman:
Huh?

Luke:
[loudly] Appealing, dude! You're very appealing!

[everyone in the hall stops to look at them]

Luke:
[trying to sound manly] So, dude, let's go shoot some hoops.

[he punches Friedman's shoulder]

Friedman:
What?

[Friedman punches Luke's shoulder]

Luke:
Hoops, dude! That's it. Let's go.

Helen:
[talking on the phone] Number one... Andrea, work on your mother's voice before you try that out on me, and two: don't use a disease you can only get on a pirate ship.

Joan:
You think they [the cheerleaders] know?

Luke:
What? That Mom turned in their alpha dog? Probably.

Joan:
They're going to eat me alive.

Joan:
Great, so ask Isaac Newton to the prom.

Luke:
Sure, if he was a girl... and alive.

Friedman:
Use the force, Luke.

Luke:
Gee. That's... that's a new one.

[Joan, Adam, and Grace are studying]

Joan:
What should we do first?

Grace:
Ask your brother for the answers.

Joan:
To be humble you have to be proud.

Adam:
Wait, arent those opposites?

Grace:
Ah, ask him ask him. [Luke just walked in]

Joan:
No, no lets just break it down ok. Is there a chemical formula for twigs?

Adam:
Uh [from the top of is head] Cellulose is c6h12o6 [Joan drops her pencil in shock] Uh, I have an eidetic memory.

Joan:
Whats that?

Luke:
Photographic.

Grace:
[talking about Adam] He can barely remember his name.

Adam:
Listen, I know a lot, I just cant put it all together.

Joan:
Ok, what about a chemical equation for fire?

Grace:
Wood doesnt actually burn.

Joan:
Thats insane.

Grace:
What burns is the gas released when the wood gets hot. Therefore the reaction would have to be gasification, through oxidation reduction, then combustion.

Luke:
It is so hot that you know that.

Adam:
[to Grace] Dude, are you smart?

Grace:
Just because I refute the whole formal schooling equals knowledge crap doesnt mean Im stupid.

Adam:
Nice.

Joan:
Ok, so what about gas. [Joan looks at Adam]

Adam:
Cha, like I know.

Grace:
And Rainman back to underpants.

Adam:
[to Joan] Are you talking about the panty shot? [notices Grace and Iris glaring] I deleted it, like, immediately!

God:
Good is relative. Beauty's relative. Everything's relative. Except for me. I'm absolute.

Joan:
I thought that was vodka.

Luke:
Not here to spy. I'm not even in the science fair anymore.

Friedman:
Why not?

Luke:
FBI confiscated my project. [Friedman laughs] I'm not joking.

Glynis Figliola:
I always knew you had what it takes to contravene national security.

Grace Polk:
I'll see you later. I'm going to go... run with scissors.

Joan Girardi:
Judith doesn't know that many people here. She was just acting out.

Grace:
Acting out is getting your nose pierced. Nearly dying in a pool of your own vomit goes a little deeper than that.

Joan Girardi:
This is a new look for you.

Loner Loser Kid God:
Yeah... the jeans are really comfy.

Joan:
And this is supposed to inspire me?

Joan:
The Charlie Brown Christmas tree of metaphors?

Joan:
I just want to be who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be!

Joan:
You remember normal?

Adam:
Not really!

Grace:
Do you make a special effort not to speak in science metaphors?

Joan:
I thought we were going with monotheism.

Twin-Girl God:
I'm impressed you know what that is.

Joan:
Why are you torturing me, And don't say I'm torturing myself.

Twin-Girl God:
Sometimes it's hard to believe what you see, so you have to trust the world behind your eyes,

Joan:
There's a world behind my eyes? Great, because this one isn't enough trouble.

Twin-Girl God:
People manage to believe in me, even though they have no idea what I am, they trust me even in the silence.

Joan:
OK. Can you take care of the rash and the barfing? Save the haiku for another time. [Twin-Girls combine into one] Very matrix.

Twin-Girl God:
Go to the doctor, you're sick.

Adam:
[after Joan fails her physics test] Physics is hard.

Joan:
"Physics is hard"? That's like the intellectual version of "you're not fat".

Female Custodian God:
Hi there, Joan.

Joan:
Oh, God...

Female Custodian God:
The one and only.

Luke:
Joan, I already claimed the last pop tart!

Joan Girardi:
Not unless you put your name on it, freakazoid!

Luke:
Look... L-U-K-E clearly displayed in red permanent marker.

Joan:
What are you wearing?

Grace Polk:
[sighing] A dress.

Joan:
You're... wearing... a dress?

Grace Polk:
Oh, nice smirk.

Joan:
I wasn't smirking! I was... I... had to sneeze.

Joan:
Power to the pimple!

Will:
All we can do is provide a safe environment for our kids to fail and be miserable.

Joan:
Go Eagles, go eagles!/Go, go, go Eagles!/ We live to cheer/we're so sincere/unless you get in trouble/then we're out of here/It's such a royal pain when a friend gets arrested/How could I have known? How could I have guessed it?/It's not like she's my sister/whoops, is that my beeper?/Even if she were/am I my sister's keeper?/Sorry, gotta go/ Try-outs are today/Tell we'll think of her every time we say/ Go Eagles! Go Eagles!/ Go, go, go Eagles!/My name is Joan/this cheer is my own/ so kiss my feathers/'cause this bird has flown/

[angrily mouths "thank you"]

Grace:
Uh, I think I got better things to do than watch a bunch of cheerleaders flash their panties at brain-dead jocks.

Joan:
Yeah, and, um, me, too. I have a big party I have to go to, so...

Adam:
I would go if Jane was going, but...

Joan:
Well I can't do any stunts. No, no, and how about the jumps? So, so. So why am I here, well it's really odd, but I'm here to cheer on a mission from God. So put me in the game or leave me on the bench, so you can go to heaven and I'll get out of French.

Adam:
Oh, Jane, glad I caught you here. This is for good luck.

[Adam gives her a piece of art that looks like a cheerleader... Well, sort of]

Joan:
Adam... Well, thank you, but I already tried out.

Adam:
I missed it? No way, man.

Joan:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's ok... Sorry, But thanks for the...

Adam:
It's a cheerleader. You know, it's got the little hairy things.

Joan:
Pompoms? Cool.

Adam:
I can't believe I missed it, though. How'd it go?

Joan:
Uh... well, ha ha. I can definitely say I'm not going to be a cheerleader.

Adam:
Why not? They didn't like you?

Joan:
Wow... I always thought you'd hate me if I was a cheerleader.

Adam:
No way. Why?

Joan:
'Cause we're sub-defectives, and that would be like deserting the army or something.

Adam:
Oh. No, I don't care if you're a cheerleader or sub-defective or whatever. I just like hanging out with you 'cause you're Jane.

Joan:
Joan.

Friedman:
[to Luke] Dude, your sister's, like, *hot*.

Grace Polk:
Dude, you're, like, an ass.

Homeless Man God:
Be not afraid, Joan.

Joan:
Be not afraid? What's with that?

Homeless Man God:
Sometimes I like to sound old-timey.

Grace:
[to Luke, about Joan] Is she a pod person now?

Helen Girardi:
There'd be a list of "bad girls' circulating around the school!

Will:
We'd never have let that out.

Helen Girardi:
The CIA couldn't keep a list like that from getting out in a high school!

Cute Boy God:
Remember me?

Joan Girardi:
Why all the familiar looks? Doing the greatest hits, or are you getting a little pleased with yourself?

Cute Boy God:
You see me the way you want to see me, Joan. Like right now, you're mad at me... maybe you feel safer being mad at me when I look like this.

Joan Girardi:
You have a lot to answer for, buddy! No one asks to be born!... So we all get to die, and then everyone we love dies?

Cute Boy God:
Yeah.

Joan Girardi:
And... and that's good for you?

Cute Boy God:
Joan, there's nothing about death that I can say that would make sense to you.

Joan Girardi:
A lot of what happens here really sucks, so much for your... perfect system... Can you see me being really mad at you right now?

Cute Boy God:
Yes.

Joan Girardi:
Why does it have to be so hard?

Cute Boy God:
What specifically?

Joan Girardi:
Being alive, let's start there.

Cute Boy God:
You wish you weren't alive?

Joan Girardi:
No! I... I don't know. I wish... it didn't... hurt so much.

Cute Boy God:
It hurts because you feel it, Joan... because you're alive. You love people, that generates a lot of power, a lot of energy. The same kind of energy that binds atoms together, we've all seen what happens when you try to pry them apart.

Joan Girardi:
So, if I don't get attached to people then... it won't hurt so much?

Cute Boy God:
No, it's in your nature to get attached to people, I put that in the recipe. It's when you guys try to ignore that... when you try to go it alone, that's when it gets ugly. It's hell.

Cute Boy God:
It's Hell? Like the Hell?

Gavin Price:
And what career would you like to explore, Mr Rove?

Adam:
I wanna to do something soulless and corporate, Mr. Price.

Gavin Price:
Good choice.

Cute Boy God:
[Cute Boy God approaches Joan in school hallway] Hi Joan.

Joan Girardi:
[Group of passing girls hit on Him in the hall] Are girls always hitting you with that look? [He smiles] Oh they do. Hitting on God, that's gross.

Cute Boy God:
I'd like you to do something that scares you.

Joan Girardi:
Uh, lots of things scare me. You, actually, you scare me. Care to be a little bit more specific?

Cute Boy God:
For me, that's pretty specific.

Joan Girardi:
And I still can't ask why.

Cute Boy God:
You can *ask*.

Joan Girardi:
[Sees Cute Boy God in the hall] You really are omnipresent, aren't you.

Cute Boy God:
I get around. What your brother did, took a lot of guts.

Joan Girardi:
Yeah well, I had my doubts there. Right up til the end.

Cute Boy God:
Everyone does. Fear is very powerful, it paralyzes people. They don't see the value in it.

Joan Girardi:
In being terrified? No, we don't, because we're not insane.

Cute Boy God:
But you saw Luke. How happy he was. He found that other half of his life that he wanted. You think that would've happened if he kept running from what he was afraid of?

Joan Girardi:
Okay! Okay, I'll suit up and dive.

Cute Boy God:
I never said you had to dive.

Joan Girardi:
Hello, you've been all over me about this. What about the dreams? [Referring to dreams about Judith at the pool]

Cute Boy God:
The dreams weren't about the high board, Joan. [Joan sighs] You know that.

Joan:
[to Mascot God] Bite me, big bird.

Luke Girardi:
You've got the world's largest blind spot, you know that? One minute, y - you discern an oblique pattern that's invisible to mere mortals, the next, you can't even see a conclusive certainty that's staring you in the face.

Will Girardi:
I have no idea what you just said.

Luke Girardi:
You always say that I got my brain from Mom. That's not true. I get it from you.

Will Girardi:
Then why didn't I understand what you said?

Joan:
[referring to her new friend, Casper, a homeless inner-city kid who suddenly left without saying goodbye] What a cop-out! You get me all wrapped up in her life, and now you're not even going to tell me what happened to her?

Double Dutch Girl:
[speaking as God] The connection you and Casper had - you think that's gone just because she went away? Is your connection with Adam gone just because he's with Iris? Real connections - they can't be broken by time or space.

Joan:
I wanted to help her. I - I wanted to get her a place, get her dad a job.

Double Dutch Girl:
You can't fix everything, Joan.

Joan:
She's my friend. I want to know what's going to happen to her.

Double Dutch Girl:
I know you do. But, sometimes, it's enough to plant the seed, walk away, and let the flower grow on its own.

Joan:
I have to wash my hair!

Plumber/God:
Well I'm God, my needs come first.

Friedman:
Why are you talking so fast?

Luke:
[caffeine buzzed] Why are you listening so fast?

[Rebecca Askew, a reporter at the newspaper where Kevin works, has written an unfavourable article about Will]

Rebecca Askew:
How was breakfast this morning?

Kevin:
Tasty.

Rebecca Askew:
I meant with your father.

Kevin:
Testy.

Luke:
[to Friedman; caffeine buzzed] And you should hear what I'm not telling you, OK, so shut up!

Joan:
When... when do you plan on having sex?

Luke:
Oh, at my first opportunity.

Joan:
What are you? Some kind of Peeping Tom?

Luke:
It's not my fault I have a... naturally quiet tread.

Kevin:
And then I woke up in the hospital, I saw Dad's face, and I wondered..."Why does Mom think this man is so good-looking?"

Joan:
I'm not... pregnant.

Luke:
Then why was there a pregnancy kit in the bathroom? Because *I'm* not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves...

Joan:
Mom.

Luke:
Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three...

Joan:
[covering ears] Ewwwww!

Grace:
[to Joan] Before his mother died, Rove was different. He was funny and... aware of his surroundings.

Grace Polk:
Hey, Geek.

Luke:
Ah, Grace. I was afraid your father wouldn't give you the message.

Grace Polk:
Yeah. Thanks for leaving a message with my father, *the Rabbi*, saying you want to spend the night with me building a *gun*.

Helen Girardi:
[reading Adam's mom's suicide note] "Dearest boy, my Adam. I dreamed a dream, you and I facing each other in a tiny yellow boat on green water under a blue sky. Me and my son and a yellow boat. And we laugh, and the boat rocks and the ripples spread from the boat to pond to sea to sky and nothing can stop them, and nothing ever will. When you think of me, Adam, know that in a world of pain, you were, and always will be my joy. Love, Mom."

Adam Rove:
Thank you.

Joan Girardi:
The ripples were good!

Kevin:
[in the hospital yelling to departing Bear] Hey, I am not afraid to have sex. I've got moves you've never even heard of. There's a list of girls a mile long who have no complaints about Kevin Girardi between the sheets! [He looks back and sees his family in the doorway] I'm on a lot of painkillers...

Adam:
He just wants to make fun of my stuff.

Joan:
No, he seems sincere.

Adam:
Rockin' insight, Jane.

[Adam walks off in a huff. Obviously upset]

Joan:
Did I just miss something?

Grace:
Uh, Clay Fisher just flirted with you. Adam Rove is all about you. Dramatic tension ensued. Were you born without a radar?

Joan:
You didn't answer my question.

Concession Stand Worker God:
I don't answer questions, sweetpea. And this you know.

Joan:
But I gave you a dollar!

Joan:
[sighs] The way I felt about Iris - it was so ugly. Why would you put those feelings in me?

Little Girl God:
Everyone has a part of themselves they don't like, Joan. We carry it around like a weight. The lucky ones realize that when it becomes too heavy, you can choose to set it down. That's when you can see things the way they really are.

Grace:
Rove is against physical violence, but I overrode him.

Adam:
Yeah, I guess it's like the UN. Your vote counts for more.

Luke:
Hey, guess what? Copernicus called, said the world doesn't revolve around you.

Joan:
What a coincidence because the dork police called and said they want their leader back.

Kevin:
It's official, I don't miss high school anymore.

Exchange Student God:
Repeating myself is part of the job. "Vengeance is mine..." sayeth me.

Joan:
Wait, what is this about?

Grace:
Retribution, the oldest profession.

Joan:
I thought that was farming.

Helen Girardi:
OK, Luke, what was your involvement?

Luke:
I hit a button... it was scientifically unsound...

Adam:
Iris is a good person...

Joan:
I know!... It... eck hem... It's just that her voice, it drives me crazy...

Adam:
Its her real voice... It drives me crazy too...

Joan:
But you love her.

Adam:
I... I like her a lot.

Joan:
And you want me to like her too...

Adam:
No... But I want you to like me

Joan:
Adam... I don't just like you...

Adam:
Yeah... yeah me too... Good night, Jane.

Helen Girardi:
...our jobs as artists is to press on, continue creating, 'cause that's who we are - even if some critic does squash you like a bug, that's who we are.

Joan:
You hurt me, really bad. Why should I trust you again?

Cute Boy God:
Why did you ever?

Joan:
Look we had some good times, and I'm fine with You, ya know being the Divine 'It.' But I don't want to see You anymore. It's not You, it's me. I'm just, I'm not the girl for you. I had a taste of normal, and I really liked it. You know, I really enjoyed being optimistic, and making my lamps.

Cute Boy God:
[after Joan refuses to talk to Him or believe He's real] Don't you miss me a little?

Joan:
[lying] No. [whispers after a long pause] Please go.

Cute Boy God:
Don't you miss yourself? Because I do.

Cute Boy God:
You know I'm real, Joan. You've always known, you're not crazy. Then you got chance to see what it really looks like. Crazy is destructive, it tears down. I'm all about building up.

Joan:
Then I suggest you take up carpentry.

Cute Boy God:
What do you think this is all about?

Joan:
Uh, you I suppose.

Cute Boy God:
It's a creation, Joan. It's not a destruction. And that's what I want you to do. I want you to be creative, I want you to build things.

Joan:
I build lamps!

Cute Boy God:
Relationships, possibilities, connections. [Pulls a book from His jacket pocket] Look, have you read this?

Joan:
You stole that!

Cute Boy God:
Well, technically everything's mine.

Joan:
How do you deal with your dad being all into God?

Grace Polk:
Sometimes I hide his yamika and watch him freak.

Joan:
[to God] Look, it's over, okay? You're just going to have to adjust to that. Call up a friend and b*tch about me on the phone if you need to, but you have to find someone else!

Joan:
[as the paramedics work on Judith, Joan sees Cute Boy God walking towards her] Why are you letting this happen? Do something!

Cute Boy God:
Keep your eyes open. It's all I asked. [He walks away from her]

Joan:
You're blaming me for this? No way are you blaming me!

Cute Boy God:
Let me explain something to you, Joan. It goes like this: I don't look like this. I don't look like anything you'd recognize. You can't see me. I don't sound like this. I don't sound like anything you'd recognize. You see, I'm beyond your experience. I take this form because you're comfortable with it, it makes sense to you. And if I'm "snippy" it's because you understand snippy. Do ya get it?

Joan:
Sort of.

Cute Boy God:
Good, 'cause I'm really not snippy. I've got a great personality. You'd like me.

Cute Boy God:
I'm not appearing to you. You are seeing me.

Cute Boy God:
How about you believe me if I agree to overlook that promise you didn't keep?

Joan:
What promise?

Cute Boy God:
Let's see. That you'd study hard, stop talking back, clean your room, and even go to church, if I recall, if I let your brother live.

Joan:
[long pause] How did you know about that?

Cute Boy God:
Omniscience. Look it up.

Joan:
So, you let my brother live, and now you're here to... collect?

Cute Boy God:
No. I don't bargain. That would be cruel.

Joan:
Let's see a miracle.

Cute Boy God:
How about that?

Joan:
It's a tree.

Cute Boy God:
Let's see you make one.

Joan:
So you're a science geek, right?

Luke:
I prefer "man of science'.

Cute Boy God:
Joan, I need to talk to you.

Joan:
Unless I'm missing something, we are talking.

Cute Boy God:
I want to be honest.

Joan:
Okay, who are you?

Cute Boy God:
I saw you today.

Joan:
Saw me where?

Cute Boy God:
Outside of your house. Look, I didn't mean to scare you.

Joan:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. That was you? [He nods] That guy was an old guy.

Cute Boy God:
Okay, this is the difficult part. I don't always look the same.

Joan:
What are you talking about? What do you want with me? 'Cause I'm gonna warn you, my dad's a cop. He's not just any cop he is *the* cop.

Cute Boy God:
I know who your father is, Joan. He's Will Girardi, he's born September 4th, 1955, in Chicago. His father was Gerald Girardi, his mother was Elena Monroe. He had an uneventful childhood, attended Mother Cabrini high school, and Morten Junior College. After that he joined the police force in 1980. Then he met your mother, one Helen Brodie, she was an art school drop out. You're the middle child of three. About a year and a half ago your older brother, Kevin was in a car accident. Fractured his back, left him a paraplegic. You have one other brother, Luke, who's fifteen. Your favorite color's green, you love salt on cantaloupe, Jim Das broke your hear in eighth grade. And you're afraid of clowns.

Joan:
Who are you?

Cute Boy God:
I've known you since before you were born, Joan.

Joan:
I'll ask you one more time.

Cute Boy God:
I'm God.

Joan:
[Joan sees Cute Boy God waiting for her] Hey, God! Get lost, I mean it.

Cute Boy God:
I know you think you mean it.

Joan:
You know, I'm going to give my father a full description and a composite drawing, you'll be booked before dark.

Cute Boy God:
Maybe he'll be too busy thinking of creative ways to ground you for mouthing off in French class.

Joan:
Are you spying on me?

Cute Boy God:
I'm omniscient Joan, comes with the job.

Joan:
Okay. So you're God?

Cute Boy God:
Yes.

Joan:
As in, God.

Cute Boy God:
Right.

Joan:
Old Testament, Tower of Babel, burning bush, Ten Commandments, God.

Cute Boy God:
Well I come off a little friendlier in the New Testament and the Quran, but uh, yeah. Same God.

Joan:
And I'm supposed to believe you because...?

Cute Boy God:
Because you have a feeling.

Joan:
No I don't. [Joan turns and walks away]

Cute Boy God:
How about you believe me if I agree to overlook that promise you didn't keep?

Joan:
[Joan turns back around] What promise?

Cute Boy God:
Let's see, that you'd study hard, stop talking back, clean your room, and even go to church, if I recall, if I let your brother live.

Joan:
[Joan stares in silence, stunned by what she's just heard] How did you know about that?

Cute Boy God:
Omniscience, look it up.

Joan:
So you let my brother live, and now you're here to collect?

Cute Boy God:
No, I don't bargain. That would be cruel.

Joan:
Okay, so let's say you're God.

Cute Boy God:
Thank you.

Joan:
I wanna ask you some questions.

Cute Boy God:
No.

Joan:
No?

Cute Boy God:
No, as a general rule, I ask questions.

Joan:
Are you, are you being snippy with me? God is snippy.

Cute Boy God:
Let me explain something to you, Joan. It goes like this: I don't look like this, I don't look like anything you'd recognize. You can't see me. I don't sound like this, I don't sound like anything you'd recognize. You see, I'm beyond your experience. I take this form because, you're comfortable with it, it makes sense to you. And if I'm *snippy*, it's because you understand snippy. You get it?

Joan:
Sort of.

Cute Boy God:
Good, because I'm really not snippy. I've got a great personality, you'd like me.

Joan:
Well, I'm not religious you know.

Cute Boy God:
It's not about religion, Joan. It's about fulfilling your nature.

Joan:
Oh, I definitely haven't done that.

Cute Boy God:
Exactly.

Joan:
Well, let's, let's say you're God.

Cute Boy God:
Joan, I *am* God.

Joan:
Okay, well let's see a miracle.

Cute Boy God:
Okay. How about that.

Joan:
[Joan looks up] That's a tree.

Cute Boy God:
Let's see you make one.

Joan:
So, do you just go around appearing to people or...

Cute Boy God:
Minor correction, I'm not appearing to you, you are seeing me.

Joan:
Okay, fine. [Joan continues staring at Him] Is it kinda weird that I have a... crush on you?

Cute Boy God:
I'm not gonna look like this the next time.

Joan:
The next time?

Cute Boy God:
I'm gonna be dropping in on you, Joan. Now and then.

Joan:
Why?

Cute Boy God:
Let's just say I need you to do some errands.

Joan:
Why?

Cute Boy God:
Do you notice how I'm not answering any of the "whys"? I want you to get a job, at the Skylight Bookstore. It's about three bus stops from here. Manager's name there is Sammy, now he's snippy. It's important you do this pretty soon. [Joan opens her mouth to say something] Don't ask why.

Joan:
And if I say no. Am I gonna burst into flames?

Cute Boy God:
[Cute Boy God laughs] Where do you people get this stuff? Have I ever made anybody burst into flames? Do as I ask. I'll see you around.

[Luke, Grace, Friedman and Glynis are looking through one of the Girardis' photo albums]

Friedman:
Oh, man. Here's Luke in a little Dalmatian outfit.

Glynis Figliola:
Oh! Look at his little ears!

Luke:
It was Halloween, I was 3! Put that away...

[he tries to take the album off Friedman but he fights back]

Grace Polk:
Hey, let me see.

Glynis Figliola:
The colour palette suits you.

Friedman:
Dude, your sister's, like, naked.

Luke:
She's a baby!

[Friedman is looking at photos of Joan as a baby]

Friedman:
Look at the legs on her.

Joan:
Are those my baby pictures?

Grace Polk:
Impressive use of fat.

Joan:
This is a nightmare!

Adam:
You're promoting intimacy.

Joan Girardi:
They're my parents.

Adam:
Well, what about us?

Joan Girardi:
What about us?

Adam:
What about us?

Joan Girardi:
What *about* us?

Adam:
What about...

Joan Girardi:
Is it just me or is this going nowhere?

Grace:
[Referring to Adam] I've know the dude since preschool. He's stupid about you.

Liquor Store Clerk God:
Joan, you did invite Adam?

Joan:
Sure.

Liquor Store Clerk God:
And he realizes you're inviting him?

Joan:
As in a date?

Liquor Store Clerk God:
Figure it out.

Luke:
I'm sorry, he's approving your guest list?

Joan:
God smokes?

Liquor Store Clerk God:
I don't inhale.

Adam:
Maybe I'm bad at stuff like this... but we kissed. It's not like I've kissed a lot of girls. Maybe I've only kissed one.

Joan Girardi:
Right.

Adam:
Well maybe it meant something to me.

Joan Girardi:
Maybe it meant something to me, too.

Adam:
I don't... I don't know what to do with it now.

Joan Girardi:
[chuckles] Me neither.

Adam:
Maybe it's like that anti-drug guy said, you know? Romantic love is like a mental illness. It just happens and then what are you gonna do?

Joan Girardi:
Maybe we're just not ready.

Adam:
Okay. I accept that. Were you ready for that other guy?

[Referencing God, whom Joan was dancing with at the party]

Joan Girardi:
That's different.

[after a long pause]

Joan Girardi:
Hey, wanna dance?

Cute Boy God:
You wanna dance?

Joan:
Can I say no?

Cute Boy God:
Of course you can. [Cute Boy God takes garbage from Joan and sets it down] Come on. [They begin slow dancing] So how did you like your party?

Joan:
I don't. What's the big idea?

Cute Boy God:
The big idea is recreation. You know what that means?

Joan:
Whatever.

Cute Boy God:
Well let's break the word down, shall we. Re-create, to create again, begin again, to start over. People need to do that. Work is fine, but every now and then you got to take a break and recreate. Adam is confused.

Joan:
Adam is always confused.

Cute Boy God:
Okay, well you're introducing new levels of confusion.

Joan:
I'm not ready to couple.

Cute Boy God:
So tell him. Remember, recreation isn't about relaxing, it's about redefining.

Joan:
Redefining what?

Cute Boy God:
Whatever's become undefined.

Joan:
Are you there, God? It's me, Joan... and you suck!

Dog Walker:
[In response to Joan's question about Judith dying] You know, there's an old riddle... a man is walking across a bridge with three pieces of gold...

Joan:
NO! No, I don't want a riddle! Just...

Dog Walker:
[Ignoring her] And the bridge can only handle 120 pounds. He weighs 118 pounds, and each piece of gold weighs three pounds. So, how does he...

Joan:
I know! I know! I've heard it! The guy juggles! He juggles the gold so the bridge doesn't fall!

Dog Walker:
Then that's what you have to do, Joan... Just juggle.

God:
People manage to believe in me, even though they have no idea what I am; they trust me even in the silence.

Joan:
I thought we were going with monotheism.

Twin-Girl God:
I'm impressed you know what that is.

Joan:
Why are you torturing me, And don't say I'm torturing myself.

Twin-Girl God:
Sometimes it's hard to believe what you see, so you have to trust the world behind your eyes,

Joan:
There's a world behind my eyes? Great, because this one isn't enough trouble.

Twin-Girl God:
People manage to believe in me, even though they have no idea what I am, they trust me even in the silence.

Joan:
OK. Can you take care of the rash and the barfing? Save the haiku for another time.

[Twin-Girls combine into one]

Joan:
Very matrix.

Twin-Girl God:
Go to the doctor, you're sick.

Helen Girardi:
[In a dream, Helen finds herself alone in a dark church] Look, here's the thing. You can't let my son die. You just can't. I know I haven't been good, but that's no reason to punish him. Take me, instead. Just don't punish him for what I've done wrong.

Cute Boy God:
[Cute Boy God appears in the pew behind Helen] Do you think that's how I work, Helen?

Cute Boy God:
[Helen turns around] Who are you?

Cute Boy God:
I'm God.

Helen Girardi:
As in God? [He nods] Burning bush, Tower of Babel, Ten Commandments, God?

Cute Boy God:
I've been through this, with your daughter.

Helen Girardi:
What does my daughter have to do with this?

Cute Boy God:
Everything.

Joan:
[being wanded] What? I didn't set off any alarm! So unless you want to sentence me to death for possession of Gummi Bears, I would like to go to class.

Security Guard God:
You seem very upset, Joan. Take a breath.

Joan:
Fascist God?

Helen Girardi:
I am *so* scared, Will.

Will Girardi:
You can't be brave if you're not scared.

Will Girardi:
Why is it, whenever we're proud of Joan, chaos starts happening?

Joan:
Adam will believe me.

Old Lady:
Yes... but you don't know Adam that well yet. For example, you don't know how many burdens the boy is already carrying. And I'd like you to consider the possibility that it is you who should take on some of his burdens, not vice versa.

Joan:
Adam has burdens?

Old Lady:
Sometimes they look a lot like gifts.

Adam:
Jane!

Joan:
Go away, Adam.

Adam:
How did you know it was me?

Joan:
You're the only one who calls me "Jane".

Work-out Lady God:
Why do people always try and discern my deeper meanings? This is the kind of thinking that starts wars. Stop it!

Adam:
Headline: Adam Rove meets the, uh, chief of police.

Adam:
Well, nice work, Jane.

[he leaves, Helen looks at Joan]

Joan:
He calls me Jane sometimes when he forgets that my name is Joan.

Joan:
So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That is mad anti-climatic.

Electrician God:
Anti climactic. Anti-climatic means you're against the weather.

Adam:
I talk to angels.

Electrician God:
Are you looking for me?

Joan:
Um, I'm not sure.

Electrician God:
'Cause when you're alone, that hideous Titanic song makes you cry.

Joan:
Why do you have to be so mean?

Electrician God:
Why do you have to keep questioning me? Most people would be on their best behavior.

Joan:
Okay, look, whatever. I was thinking about what you said when I asked you to cure Kevin. How it would show favoritism and that I'm an instrument of God. Then I realized, you want me to become a scientist, so I can discover a cure for Kevin.

Electrician God:
Newsflash, Joan: you don't need to let me in on your thinking process, I'm omniscient.

Linesman God:
Stop underachieving. Stop squandering the potential I gave you. Have some pride.

Joan:
What about humility?

Linesman God:
Humility isn't actually humility unless there's something you're good enough at to be humble about.

[the previous night God had appeared on TV and Joan's father turned off the TV]

Linesman God:
Hey kid, it's me. You need proof? Fine. Sometimes you like to practice french kissing yourself in the mirror.

Joan:
Why do you have to be so mean? Look, that was my Dad who turned you off last night, so if there's some kind of penalty, then I think...

Linesman God:
Fine. He shall spend all of eternity burning in hell.

Joan:
No, no, no, no, my dad's a really great guy.

Linesman God:
I'm kidding. There's no penalty for turning me off. Hey, just because I speak doesn't mean anyone has to listen.

Gavin Price:
[walking Adam out of his office] First thing every morning you report to me, got it?

Adam:
Uh-huh.

Gavin Price:
I may not be able to stop you from getting high away from school, but you are mine between 8 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon.

Adam:
OK, Mr. Price.

Gavin Price:
If I even suspect that you are under the influence of drugs, what will happen?

Adam:
You'll urine-test me.

Gavin Price:
For your own good.

Adam:
And call the cops.

Gavin Price:
Mm-hm.

Adam:
Ruin my life.

Gavin Price:
All for your own good.

Luke:
[about the one nice thing he did that day] I didn't laugh when Joan was introduced to my AP chem class.

Little Girl God:
You'd like to give me a slap, wouldn't you?

Joan:
Yeah... but you're so cute.

Little Girl God:
By the way, as an instrument of Me, have some pride. Do better. Do your best.

Joan:
Now I'd like to slap you.

Joan:
...Oh, God.

Electrician God:
Yes?

Joan:
No, I was taking your name in vain, to be technical. Sorry.

Joan:
Don't you have any friends that you could walk to school with?

Luke:
Don't worry, they'll think I'm cool stylin' with my big sister. Oh, wait, you're worried that one of your friends will see us together... Oh, wait a minute, you don't have any friends.

Joan:
And ironically you're still cramping my style.

Joan:
[to Grace] You didn't tell him, did you?

Grace:
I don't need to. You asked Steve Ramesy to the semi-formal. That's like a CNN headline.

Friedman:
[after witnessing Grace Polk plant a passionate kiss on Joan's brother Luke at the Crystal Ball formal dance] Did he just convert her from Mac to PC?

Joan:
[Joan is in the hallway of her school. God appears as an older woman selling cupcakes for the soccer team] You're getting really good at showing up when nobody needs you.

Old Lady God:
Well, now, that's your opinion.

Joan:
So what do you want me to fail at this time?

Old Lady God:
Now what makes you think you failed? You did exactly what I asked you to do: you observed.

Joan:
Hmm! And what good did that do anybody? Ramsey's going to jail, Adam hates me even more...

Old Lady God:
Observation is a more powerful force than you could possibly reckon. The invisible, the overlooked, and the unobserved are those that are most in danger of reaching the end of the spectrum. They lose the last of their light. From there, anything can happen.

Joan:
Okay. Fine, I observed Ramsey, his life is still ruined.

Old Lady God:
His life wasn't the only one at stake.

Joan:
What do you mean?

Old Lady God:
[Starts pointing out different students in the hallway] There's Laura Eason, ninth grader. She plays the flute. She would have been one of the first to go... [gunshot sound] coming out of Orchestra at the wrong time. And Andrew Bayer: he would have tried to save his friend Lawrence DiStasi and lost his life. [two gunshots] And Gavin Price. [gunshot] And three other students in the cafeteria. And Mr. Harvey. And Ms. Schmidt in the library. And finally, Steve Ramsey himself. And for each of these faces Joan, there are twelve more whose lives would have come to an end today - lives altered forever by you. By the simple effect of being present, by entering the light, by joining the dance. [Joan wipes away a tear]

Joan:
Oh, is that the three-year-old kid who got kidnapped?

Will:
Missing.

Joan:
Ok, got missing. I read it in the newspaper. It said you guys have no leads and it's been like six weeks.

Will:
Four Days, we have leads, and when did you start reading the paper?

Grace:
You smell that? It's like essence of pimp.

Cute Boy God:
Oh, Joan, it would have been so much easier if you just read the book. Now I'm gonna have to send you to the basement.

Joan:
You mean like, Hell?

Cute Boy God:
No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out.

Joan:
Look, Grace, I'm really sorry.

Grace:
Yeah, the taking of the sandwich is a symbolic act designed to avoid direct confrontation. Don't worry.

[Joan calls her mom when she realizes the package is COD]

Mailwoman God:
Uh-uh. You've got twelve dollars in your pocket you were gonna to use to buy a frappucino and a muffin when you skip history class after lunch. Which by the way, do not do that.

Kevin:
Joan, can I borrow your hairdryer so I can look extra handsome for my job interview at weiner world?

Joan:
[to Grace] My dad's Italian. To him, a sandwich is like an opera.

Joan:
[Joan sees Cute Boy God sitting on a school desk] What are you doing? You can't be here.

Cute Boy God:
Hmm, and yet I am. Walk with me.

Joan:
No. People are gonna see me.

Cute Boy God:
Yes, they will. That optic nerve was an inspired idea, wasn't it?

Joan:
I meant that they'll see you.

Cute Boy God:
Yeah I've noticed that this looks turns a lot of heads.

Joan:
It's called being hot.

Joan:
I believed in him.

God:
I know. That's what makes it hurt so much.

Joan:
What did I do to deserve this?

God:
Nothing. This isn't punishment Joan it's simply part of being alive. Of being involved, of loving.

Joan:
Yeah I'm not doing that anymore, I am NEVER doing that again.

God:
I know how painful this is but what you and Adam had was beautiful too and it was every bit as real as the pain you're feeling now. You experienced how deeply two people can be connected.

Joan:
So what do I learn, when someone I trust destroys all that? Huh? Maybe it was never real maybe you're not even real. You know this whole morality thing right and wrong it's all just junk. We're all just animals taking what we want.

God:
You know what innocence is Joan?

Joan:
You know I don't want mock trial right now!

God:
Well it's more than an absence of guilt it's having faith that there's goodness in the face of cruelty and pain. Some place you still feel that way, that's me and I'll always be there for you.

Joan Girardi:
Power to the pimple!