Lee Evans: XL Tour Live 2005

Lee Evans:
Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"

Lee Evans:
I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the sh*t at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!

Lee Evans:
I like it when the waiter askes you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!

Lee Evans:
We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-f***ing-idiot!

Lee Evans:
You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE F***ING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW F***IN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"

Lee Evans:
I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes "Nooo, I don't like that one!" "Yeah well it's just the same as all the others!" "Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!"

Lee Evans:
[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*

Lee Evans:
Why are we still embarrased about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrased are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"

Lee Evans:
[about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes *nuts!*

Lee Evans:
I'm always all over the place, you know, you get these people that are like "Here, I was talking to her on monday - was it tuesday? - was it thurs-?" "WHO CARES! JUST TELL ME WHAT THEY F***ING SAID!" I hate them f***ers! They say stuff like "Feels like a tuesday, does it feel like a tuesday? Yeah, feels like a tuesday." I don't know! How the f*** does tuesday feel? [laughs] They're like "It's half past five but it only feels like twelve," f***ing hell, do they people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?

Lee Evans:
Who are them blokes, the jockeys? Who are they, three foot high f***ing hobbits in a pimps outift!

Lee Evans:
People say why do we kill so many cows, well they're *crap!* They have no survival instincts whatsoever! You stand next to any fence in the country and a cow'll walk towards you going "Is it my time yet? I don't mind, just shoot me!" They're dumb animals, otherwise they'd learn to sh*t without it hitting the back of their legs! They'd swing it out at least! All dumb animals soil themselves! Sheep! Sheep are the same, but they do it for a reason! They're like that [imitating rubbing sh*t over himself] "Make a jumper outta me, will ya! I don't think so!" But cows, ah, they haven't even got any camoflauge! They're black and white, and where do they choose to stand? IN A GREEN FIELD! They can't even run away properly, you chase a cow across a field and they run away like an old drunk! [staggers around]

Lee Evans:
What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well they're f***ing mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some blokes covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in they're like that "Grrr, GAAAH F***ING" [imitates chopping motions] soon as you walk in they're like "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" You ever seen them unloading the delivery van - the freezer lorry - they get out a side of cow. Where's the *other* side? Is there like a cow still grazing in a field with a f***ing side missing? And the frozen pigs, they're always in that position, have you noticed? [imitates position] They're like frozen goalkeepers! They killed it just as it was about to save the ball!

Lee Evans:
I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"

Lee Evans:
Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with f***ing adreniline!

Lee Evans:
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, f***ing YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!

Lee Evans:
Bird flu! What's that? How do you know a bird's got flu! Some chinese bloke spots one of his chicken with its claws in a bowl of hot water and a towel over its head! Bwrr-rr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rr!

Lee Evans:
Parcelforce! Parcelforce, Parcelforce, Parcelforce, Paaaaarcelforce!

Lee Evans:
Our grandparents f***ing ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for f***ing tea, man!" They ate anything, f***ing monkey's phlegm, uranutang's bollocks. I dunno I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!

Lee Evans:
[talking about people on compensation adverts] Then there's that woman, you know, "I was on my way to work when I slipped over accidentally on purpose!"

Lee Evans:
Then your wife or girlfriend would come up with mad suggestions like, "Lets have a bath together, it'll be just like the films". But it ain't innit. Because women like to have their bath water so f***ing hot.

Lee Evans:
No! Have you seen a woman get out of the bath? they're red up to here! it's like they're wearing a low cut f***ing scald!

Lee Evans:
Even a lobster would go "F*** THAT"!

Lee Evans:
Car thieves operate in this area, Where else would they operate? Its a f**king car park! The number of times I've been driving through the country, see a couple of car thieves standing in a field saying 'You said there'd be cars!' And thanks for telling us! They're not doing anythin about it! You'd hate it if you were getting mugged and a copper ran up to you and said, 'He's muggin you, he is! He's running away with all your money!'

Lee Evans:
[about little boys climbing trees] GET DOWN, f***ing GET DOWN, I thought my dad was James Brown when I was a kid. But when they get to 16 its all "get up, f***ing get up". When you get to 18 its "Get out! Get out!

Lee Evans:
Not If you've got a daughter though, its "Get in"

Lee Evans:
[as his daughter] But I love him dad.

Lee Evans:
F***ing get in!

Lee Evans:
[as her boyfriend] But I love her Mr Evans.

Lee Evans:
Get f***ed!

Lee Evans:
Switch the light on love, i'm not Charles F***ing Dickens!

[about car satellite navigation systems]

Lee Evans:
They've got those really sexy voices now with them now don't they?

[in exaggerated sultry voice]

Lee Evans:
Turn... left! F***in' right love!

Lee Evans:
[about airports] You have to check in two hours before you go anywhere now, and you're always late for the checkin, you know you kind of drive to the airport 100mph, you checkin and the airport staff go "it's all right, you got aaages yet! Sit down!" "*puffing and panting* Okay!" And you're always checking, you know: "Have you called it yet?" "Nooooooo! Mr Panicky Poo! Sit dooooown!"

Lee Evans:
[about having a scalding hot bath with his wife] Have you noticed they're in the bath before us, so they can "romantically" watch you enter the bathroom COMPLETELY naked. And "romatically" get in the bath WHILST hold your bollocks above your head. AAAH,NONONONO, AAAH, aah for f***, aah this is so F***ING ROMANTIC! And why do I always get the f***ing tap end! You're in the bath [about the taps] one's really hot, one's really cold, as soon as you lean back, ah! ah! ah! ah! ah! F*** off!

Lee Evans:
The thing that my wife is into now, and its f***ing doing my head it really is... is pebbles. Pebbles! She collects them. No I dont mean ordinary pebbles, f*** it, i mean, varnished ones, in a dish! Is "where did you go on a weekend love" "Skimming!"

Lee Evans:
The NHS have now got a website, because you gotta be on the web anyone would say if you've got a computer you gotta be on the web. F***, no you havn't because it's all porn, It is and they just want to make us feel inadequate. You innocently log on to get your E-mails and it comes up: COCK EXTENSIONS, VIAGRA, DO YA WANT SOME! I'm looking around the room, how do they know?

Lee Evans:
I'm serious, the search engines have got Tourettes. You can type in anything and they'll relate it back to porn, anything. Cabbages: CABBAGES, CABBAGES, SEE THE BLOKE WITH LOADS OF VEGETABLES UP HIS ARSE, GO ON HAVE A LOOK! Nooooo!

Lee Evans:
Cheap flights: CHEAP FLIGHTS, CHEAP FANNY GO ON CHEAP FANNY!

Lee Evans:
[about earphones] Whose heads do they make earphones fpr now? It's like one long earpiece and one short one! There's people in Cornwall going, "Thank you very much, that fits our heads just fine!"

Lee Evans:
[about people giving you directions] he always has to tell you where your going, to visulise it in his head.

Lee Evans:
[as a welsh passer by] Wait a minute yes I know this one! You go down there turn right [makes turning signals with his hands] Come to a roundabout go round the roundabout [walks round in a circle pretending to be a car going round a roundabout] F*** it! I missed my turning! Bollocks! [Pretends to be asleep] "What are you doing now?" I'm in the service station, I'm f***ed!

Lee Evans:
Your grandparents were hard they'd say: Whats that you're smoking? Asbestos fags.

Lee Evans:
You tosspot, I'm smoking roll your own uranium rods!

Lee Evans:
[about product helplines] Durex have got one! What point do we f***ing call them?

Lee Evans:
[Imitates having sex while on the phone] HELLOOOOOOO!... Wait a minute... Too late.