Little Nicky

Jimmy the Demon:
Remember, at 4:00 you have to shove a pineapple up Hitler's ass.

Deacon:
The Lord loves you, and the Lord loves you.

Deacon:
You make the Lord very nervous.

Nicky:
I'm from the South. The Deep South.

Nicky:
Popeye's chicken is f***in' awesome!

Townie:
You can do it, Ozzy! Bite 'is freakin' head off!

Gatekeeper:
Are there b*obs on my head?

Nicky:
Yeah, big ones.

Nicky:
Can I wash my winky in your kitchen sinky?

Valerie:
Do it for the butterflies!

Peeper:
I deserve this! I deserve this!

Lucifer:
Even in hell I get no respect.

Mr. Beefy:
You changed a Coke into a Pepsi?

Townie:
You can do it Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls!

Chubbs:
You mambo?

Nicky:
No, I don't think so.

Chubbs:
It's all in the hips, it's all in the hips, it's all in the hips...

Nicky:
Get in the flask!

Popeye's Cashier:
What're you talkin' about, man?

Nicky:
I'm talkin' about an 8-piece, let's go!

Nicky:
I never been to Earth, Dad! I never even slept over some other dude's house!

Jimmy the Demon:
You were gone ten seconds, what happened?

Nicky:
I was hit by this big light that was attached to a lot of metal.

Satan:
That was a train, son, don't stand in front of them.

Nicky:
Well, I'll have to take a mulligan on this one.

Adrian:
Grandpa Lucifer always said it was better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. Well, I'm tired of serving in Hell.

Christa:
God's so smart.

Jenna:
Yeah, like Jeopardy smart.

Mr. Beefy:
You love acting, I love pissing.

Lucifer:
The last time I saw a pair of jugs that big, a pair of hillbillies were blowing on them.

Adrian:
I hear a train a-comin'!

Mom:
Now *that* was some straight-up David Copperfield sh*t!

John:
Hey, Nicky, can you tell us what Ozzy's tryin' to say here?

Nicky:
Well, Ozzy, was always very straight forward with his message, but wrap your minds around this.

Todd:
I love Chicago.

Peter:
Wow! Chicago kicks ass!

Holly:
Adrian may be smarter than you. He may be stronger than you. But, you have one thing he doesn't.

Nicky:
A speech impediment?

Nicky:
Yo, fossil-head! I got a bone to pick with you!

Valerie:
Wanna blizm with my bliz blob?

Mr. Beefy:
Yeah I had a weak back... about a week back! Ahahahaha!

Adrian:
I've come to tell you that you are in for 10,000 years of suffering. You will see the most horrific things...

Adrian:
Well... not that horrible... but still pretty bad...

Satan:
  But, after much thought and careful consideration, I've decided that the ruler for the next 10,000 years is going to have to be…me.

Cassius and Adrian:
  What?!

Nicky:
  Hallelujah!! [they stare at Nicky] I mean…that sucks!

[Peeper takes out a cell phone and dials; the son, Scottie, answers]

Scottie:
  Hello?

Peeper:
  Hello, Scottie. Say, why don't you be a good little boy and go downstairs and let your mother get comfy, all right?

Scottie:
  Who is this?

Peeper:
  This is a big bird who wants to see the rest of Mommy. Nah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Mrs. Dunleavy:
  [gasps] Oh my God, Scottie, is that a man up our tree?

Peeper:
  No, no! Tell her it's just a bird! It's just a big bird! [flaps arms] Bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk! Bawwwwwk! Bawwwwwwwwwk! [With an evil grin, Scottie fires a slingshot at him, striking said Peeper in the head]

[Deleted scene only; the weary Peeper lands on the ground]

Peeper:
  Mrs. Dunleavy. Help me! Please... wear a bikini!

Mrs. Dunleavy:
  Pervert. [to Scottie] Come on.

Peeper:
  Oh, how are you doing? [Mrs. Dunleavy and Scottie hold a television out the window and throw it to the Peeper] NOOOOOOOOO! [The TV lands, killing him]

Stanley:
  Aren't you that horny guy pretending to be a big bird, checking out that beautiful mom?

Peeper:
  Yes I am.

Stanley:
  Now, you're going to see what a big, horny bird actually looks like. [Eyes narrow, cruel smile] In Hell!

Peeper:
  [repeatedly as he is chased by a giant bird-man trying to violate him]  I deserve this!

[later on when said peeper meets Satan]

Peeper:
  [sarcastically]  Hello…Mr. Devil…I like your cape.  [Satan smiles, waves, then summons said giant bird-man who goes to rape said peeper]  I deserve this!

Satan:
  I'm sorry. After careful consideration, I must respectfully decline.

Dan Marino:
  I can't stand retirement. Come on, just let me win one Super Bowl.

Satan:
  In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul? You're too nice of a guy for me to want to do that to you, Mr. Marino.

Dan Marino:
  You did it for Namath.

Satan:
  Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.

Dan Marino:
  This sucks! I'll just go to the Super Bowl as an announcer, and I'll win myself an Emmy!

Satan:
  That's the spirit!

Nicky:
  You're a good devil, Dad!

Satan:
  And I also happen to be a Jets fan!

Nicky:
  Heh-heh.

[Extended version]

Grandpa Lucifer:
  What's with all those f***ing "hoo-hoo" noises?

Satan:
  Everything's fine, Pop!

Grandpa Lucifer:
  "Everything's fine"? Who're you bullshitting? The last time you said everything was fine, the Renaissance happened!

Satan:
  Please, Pop! Go back to your room.

Grandpa Lucifer:
  Hey, can I take him with me?  [points to Stanley] Heh, I want to have sex with his head.

Satan:
  Sure, Pop, whatever you want. Tit-head, go with my father.

Stanley:
  This is gonna be a whole different lifestyle for me, isn't it?

Grandpa Lucifer:
  Oh, yeah? Maybe I'll just nibble here and there. Who knows, huh?

Stanley:
  Do what you got to do, Your Horniness.

Grandpa Lucifer:
  Okay. You know, Stanley-

Satan:
  Use a condom, Pop.

Jimmy:
  You were gone ten seconds. What happened?

Nicky:
  I got hit by this big light that was attached to a lot of metal!

Satan:
  That's a train, son.  Don't stand in front of them.

Nicky:
  Well, I'll have to take a mulligan on this one!

Satan:
  Please, Nicky, get back up there.  [his ear falls off]

Nicky:
  All right.

Satan:
  Whoa!

Jimmy:
  I'll get that for you, sir.

Beefy:
  Welcome to Grand Central Station in New York City. My name is Beefy. I'm an old friend of your father's. He asked me to help you out!

Nicky:
  I just want to find my brothers and be on my way.

Beefy:
  It's not going to be easy. Your brothers can possess people, so they probably won't look like themselves. You have to be suspicious of everyone.

Nicky:
  All right, "bro". Well, the jig is up, then! [pulls out flask] Get in the flask. Come on, slide right in.

Beefy:
  It ain't me, moron.

Nicky:
  Sorry, I…

Beefy:
  Now, there's this blind guy outside you might think is possessed, but he's just crazy.

Nicky:
  Okay.

[Beefy is teaching Nicky how to eat; Nicky takes one piece of Popeyes Chicken, looks at it]

Beefy:
  Put it in your mouth. [Nicky puts it in his mouth] Now, move your teeth up and down. [Nicky chews it with his mouth open] Up and down. Good, numbnuts. Now you've got to swallow it. Tilt your head back, and let the meat slide down your throat hole. [Nicky gags] Easy, don't choke!

Nicky:
  [swallows] Popeyes Chicken is f***ing awesome!

Beefy:
  Mm-hmm! Now, eat up, you're gonna need your energy.

Nicky:
  I got energy up the yin-yang! Let's go save Dad! [runs out into street with flask] Adrian! Cassius! [gets hit by bus]

Beefy:
  Oh, boy.

[Deleted scene; Nicky just saw Mr. Beefy defecate in the street]

Nicky:
  Man, that was intense! And it happens every day?

Beefy:
  Look, it's okay for me to sh*t in the street, but you got to use a toilet.

Nicky:
  Yeah? Well, just point me in the right direction next time.

Beefy:
  Come on. There's like ten million people in this city and the clock is ticking.

Nicky:
  Well, let's rock and roll, then!

Popeyes employee:
  May I help you?

Nicky:
  Get in the flask!

Popeyes employee:
  What are you talking about, man?

Nicky:
  I'm talking about an eight piece. Let's go.

Todd:
  Aren't you boiling hot in that outfit?

Nicky:
  No.

Todd:
  It's like eighty degrees in this hallway. Where you from, the South?

Nicky:
  Yes. The deep South. Ha ha ha ha!

Todd:
  Why is that funny?

Nicky:
  I don't know.

[Deleted scene; Nicky attempts to get an NYPD officer into his flask]

Nicky:
  Adrian, is that you? Get in the flask!

Beating Cop:
  Beat it.

Nicky:
  Uh-huh. [Nicky leaves then returns] Cassius, come on. What's going on?

Beating Cop:
  I said, beat it!

Nicky:
  Alright. [Nicky leaves then returns again] That's it. Just so you... [Nicky gets repeatedly beaten by the cop] What the hell's your problem? [Nicky gets beaten up even more]

Beefy:
  This may take a while.

Todd:
  Oh, gross! He just opened his mouth and swallowed that spit!

Beefy:
  Oh, that turn you on there, RuPaul? Heh heh heh!

Bishop/Adrian:
  Yep, the Lord sure did say a lot of hibbity jibbity bibbity swibbity…but, has he ever really done anything for any of us? Has he ever put a Jaguar XJR in my driveway? No.

Man #1:
  I love that car.

Bishop/Adrian:
  Has the Lord given any of my enemies the herpes?

Man #2:
  [laughing] The herpes?

Bishop/Adrian:
  No!

Woman:
  The Lord gave my son the strength to get off drugs! [congregation cheers]

Bishop/Adrian:
  Ma'am, I know your son. And believe me, he was better off on the drugs. At least when he was smoking hashish, he used to make me laugh occasionally. [congregation laughs]

Man #3:
  After we tried for many years, the Lord finally helped my wife conceive a baby. [congregation cheers]

Bishop/Adrian:
  No, no, no. Your best friend, Fitzy, helped your wife conceive a baby. He helped her conceive it all night long!

Fitzy:
  Hey, hey, hey! [congregation boos]

Bishop/Adrian:
  How about you, Mayor? Has the Lord ever done anything for you?

Mayor/Cassius:
Well, you know, I…I wished I could think of something, but to be honest with you, I can't! I can't think of a damn thing he's ever done for me! Kind of makes you wonder if there even is a Lord. If there even is an ultimate punishment for our so-called "sins!" Why don't we all just have fun and do whatever the hell we want?! Hey, hey!

Bishop/Adrian:
  Let the sin begin!

Cassius:
  [thinking] "Let the sin begin." That was a good one!

Adrian:
  [thinking] This is so much fun! I never want it to end!

Cassius:
  [thinking] Why should it end? Who's going to stop us?! Ha ha ha ha!

Bishop/Adrian:
  Ah ha ha ha ha!

Nicky:
  Your glasses are pretty; they make your eyes look big and sparkly. It's fun looking at them.

Valerie:
  Oh. My dad's an optometrist.

Nicky:
  My dad's in Hell and he's falling apart.

Todd:
  I know this is your living room time, but could I maybe finish watching the Globetrotters out here? It's the craziest game I've ever seen!

[one basketball player goes to shoot the ball, but the ref/Cassius blows the whistle]

Ref/Cassius:
  He's walking! Get him a bus!

Todd:
  This is the part I don't get.

Announcer:
  Another terrible call. There's no way that was traveling!

Basketball Player:
  What's up with all the calls? We haven't lost a game in fifty-three years!

Ref/Cassius:
  Guess what, Cornrows? Technical foul! You're out of here! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Little Boy:
  Why is the referee being so mean to the Globetrotters, Daddy?

Boy's Father:
  Hey, I've been watching these guys play since I was your age.

Boy's Mother:
  It's all part of the show, baby!

Nicky:
  [to basketball] I command you not to blow up and go into that metal circle. [throws basketball underhand; at the last second, the ref/Cassius jumps up, catches ball]

Ref/Cassius:
  Nyah!

Nicky:
  Hey!

Ref/Cassius:
  Get that crap out of here!

Nicky:
  I know you're having fun, Cassius, but you've really got to come back to Hell!

Cassius:
  Look around you, Nicky! We're in Hell. The new Hell! Ha ha ha!

[Nicky looks over at audience, sees two pregnant women with Fitzy 'raising the roof', also sees three shirtless men with the "SIN" painted on their torsos]

Old Lady:
  [swinging a shirt over her head] Do it! Do it! Do it! Whee-eeee-eeeeeeeeee!

Cassius:
  Ha ha ha!

Nicky:
  I was sent here to take you back, and that's what I'm going to do!

Cassius:
  Don't make me take out the shovel again, Trick!

Pete:
  I think we're about to see a devil showdown!

Nicky:
  You know, Dad got sick when you guys left!

Cassius :
I'm glad he's dying, because it's my turn now.

Nicky:
  [while spinning the basketball on his finger] You're going to wish you never said that. [Cassius and Nicky start playing basketball]

Beefy:
  Take him to the hole, Nicky! [Todd looks at Beefy] I mean, "Woof, woof!"

Cassius:
  Come on, brother, come on! Oh, come on! Ha ha ha ha! [singsongy] Daddy can't help you! Daddy can't help you!

[Nicky jumps in the air, yelling, causing random objects to explode, then makes the basket, shattering the glass]

Boy's Father:
  This show gets better every year!

Boy's Mother:
  Ah ha ha ha ha!

Cassius:
  That was sick! Who taught you that sh*t?

Nicky:
  Sorry, Cassius…it must be the Super Devil Juice Dad gave me!

Cassius:
  Super Devil Juice?! Give me that, little girl!

Nicky:
  Don't drink out of it, please! [Cassius drinks out of flask, gets sucked inside]

Boy's Mother:
  Now that was some straight-up David Copperfield sh*t!

Cassius:
  [from inside flask] Damn you, Nicky! There ain't no Super Devil Juice in here!

John:
  Hail, Nicky!

Pete:
  We are forever your slaves!

[Beefy is having sex with another dog]

Beefy:
  Say "Mr. Beefy!" Say it! Say it!

Female dog:
  "Mr. Beefy."

Beefy:
  Aaaaand…I love you!

Chief of Police:
  This videotape will show what he did after he left the game.

Nicky:
  [on the news videotape which is actually Scarface] Say hello to my little friend! My name is Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all you people for no reason!

Nicky:
  That's not me; that's the cockroach Tony Montana!

Chief of Police:
  It's difficult to watch, I know.

Nicky:
  This is Adrian's work!

Beefy:
  He superimposed your head onto Scarface!

Todd:
  Which is probably De Palma's third best film.

Nicky:
  Good luck with the nipple rubbing.

Nipple Guy:
  I don't need luck.  I'm good!

Nicky:
  I-I can see that.

Nipple Guy:
  Ooh!

Regis Philbin:
  So, I was driving to work today. Some bozo in a Cadillac cuts me off. So I followed him. When he got out of his car, I run up behind this guy and I start bashing his brains in with this bat. Did you ever see The Untouchables? I was De Niro!

Audience member:
  What's happened to you, Regis?!

Beefy:
  Your brothers are upsetting the balance between good and evil!

Nicky:
  Well, what can I do about it?

Beefy:
  You can't do jack sh*t unless you learn your evil powers. Go get a soda out of the fridge.

Nicky:
  But those are my roommate's sodas!

Beefy:
  [mockingly] "But those are my roommate's sodas!" Does that sound like a statement the son of the devil would make!?

Nicky:
  All right, take it easy!

Beefy:
  Nicky, you have the power to change the cola in that can into any other liquid: engine oil, bat's blood, moose piss. You just have to release the evil within!

Nicky:
  Release the evil?

Beefy:
  I'm just saying, there's wickedness in you. I can tell from your snores!

Nicky:
  Really?

Beefy:
  Release your evil!

Nicky:
  Release the evil.

Beefy:
  Come on, you can do it. [Nicky lifts Coke can with his mind] There it is. You got it in you.

Todd:
  What are you doing?!

Nicky:
  Hey!

Beefy:
  Oh! I—[leaps off couch, hops onto fire escape]

Todd:
  All right, I'm going to pretend I didn't see a dog on the couch, because my brain just can't process that right now. But were you about to drink one of my Cokes?!

Nicky:
  No. I was just looking at it. It's beautiful.

Todd:
  [opens can, takes sip] This Coke tastes like Pepsi.

Beefy:
  You changed a Coke into a Pepsi? That was your big transformation?!

Nicky:
  Come on man, give it up a little, I mean, it was pretty good for my first try.

Beefy:
  Do you even care that your brothers are killing your father?!

Nicky:
  Yes, I care! And he is not going to die! [flames appear in Nicky's eyes, then a loud explosion is heard]

Beefy:
  Atta boy.

Todd:
  [walks out of a hallway filled with smoke] I'm freaked out. My television just blew up.

Nicky:
  You're damn right it did! I mean, "Really?"

Street vendor:
  [appears while Nicky is sleeping in Central Park] My man's into deep nocturnal sh*t. [steals Nicky's flask] Whoo! Mm-hmm, yeah!

John:
  Yo, man, I think that guy just stole his stuff!

Pete:
 Should we wake him up?

John:
  Yeah. You do it.

Pete:
  Rise and shine, Devil Guy! Some dude just stole your sh*t!

Nicky:
  What?! Where?! [exhales fire; John and Pete stare in amazement] Which way did he go?

John:
  Uh, that way!

Nicky:
  Thanks! Give me back my flask!

Pete:
  Did you check out the dragon mouth?!

John:
  The Dark Prince is here! [they head-butt one another]

Street vendor:
  Check out my stuff, I got a low price! Uh, I got a pepper shaker! I got a silver doodad from Africa!

Nicky:
  [approaches the stand] Hey.

Street vendor:
  See something you like, my man?

Nicky:
  Yes, I would like my flask back!

Street vendor:
  You're calling me a thief, my man?

Nicky:
  I'm calling you the guy who has my flask.

Street vendor:
  How would I have it unless I was, in fact, a thief?

Nicky:
  I don't know.

[Deleted scene; a customer arrives]

Customer:
  Ooh. How much for the silver flask there?

Street vendor:
  Ah, my man. Business, business, business. That's a special item selling. The cap alone is one hundred percent pure... plappium.

Nicky:
  "Plappium"?

Street vendor:
  It's valued at over three hundred dollars.

Customer:
  Really? What's it from?

Nicky:
  It was handcrafted in Hell by Satan himself, and its sole purpose is to get the Fireball of Hades burning once again.

Customer:
  I'm gonna keep looking.

[Theatrical version resumes]

Street vendor:
  Now, you've done it. You've messed with my business, b*tch!

Nicky:
  I would appreciate it if you would keep your voice down! [flames appear in Nicky's eyes]

Street vendor:
  Oh, you're going all crazy eyed on me? I'll show you some crazy eye! [clicks tongue really fast with fists up] Look at this, come on, let's get busy!

Valerie:
  Excuse me, sir?

Street vendor:
  Who?

Valerie:
  Does, um, that flask belong to this man?

Street vendor:
  Now you're going to call me a thief, too?! Damn!

Valerie:
  Okay, look. Today, the guy you ripped off just happened to walk by and bust you, so why don't you just…give him the flask back?

Street vendor:
  What're you going to do if I don't, bite me with your snaggletooth?

Valerie:
  No. But maybe that policeman over there might have something to say.

Street vendor:
  Awwwww, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy! [turns to Valerie] And you, get your raggedy-ass clothes and find yourself another corner, before I show you what crazy really is!

Valerie:
  Fine, I will!

Street vendor:
  I'm a business man! Blah-blah-blah-blah!

Nicky:
  I'll be seeing you in a few years. [street vendor clicks tongue really fast at Nicky as he leaves]

John:
  Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out! [spins Ozzy record backwards, but just makes noise] What's Ozzy trying to say there?

Nicky:
  John, absolutely nothing. The Blizzard always came straight with his messages. But wrap your minds around this, gentlemen.

Beefy:
  Oh no! Heh heh heh!

Nicky:
  Chicago. [plays "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?"]

Todd:
  I love this song.

Chicago album spun backwards:
  I command you in the name of Lucifer, to spread the blood of the innocent!

Pete:
  Oh, my God! Chicago kicks ass!

John:
  That was awesome!

Todd:
  You know, guys, this cake…tastes a little funny.

Pete:
  Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the mix. Thought I'd spice up the bash!

Beefy:
  Really?!

Nicky:
  What's reefer?

Beefy:
  About 500 bucks an ounce! Heh heh heh heh!

Nicky:
I'm sleeping, or am I?

Nicky:
Release the evil!

Nicky:
But those are my roommate's sodas!

Nicky:
Release the good.  Release the awesome!

Nicky:
[after being killed by a bus]  From now on, I'm just going to try to avoid all moving metal objects.

Nicky:
Get in the flask!

Nicky:
The Prince of Darkness should have a sort of distinguished look to him, and let's face facts, I'm no George Clooney.

Nicky:
[to a crowd of people, in a high voice]  I will eat your heart.

Nicky:
[deleted scene; about the flask]  It was handcrafted in Hell by Satan himself, and its sole purpose is to get the Fireball of Hades burning once again.

Nicky:
[deleted scene; he grabs the microphone at the stadium]  I get one more shot. The ref can cover me. If I miss it, the Globetrotters have to forfeit. But if I make it, this guy doesn't ref the second half and we all start conducting ourselves as decent human beings again. [the crowd is silent] And we get free pizza! [the crowd roars in joy]

Beefy:
(Mocking) "But those are my roommates sodas!" Does that sound like a statement the Son of the Devil would make?

Beefy:
Kid's got a lot of evil in him just begging to come out!

Beefy:
[after firing an arrow at Adrian through his genitals]  Now, that hurt the both of us.

Beefy:
Look, it's okay for me to sh*t in the street, but you've got to use a toilet.

Beefy:
The sh*t has hit the fan, kid! Take a look.

Beefy:
Easy, don't choke.

Grandpa Lucifer:
You know, I was the one who created Hell.

Grandpa Lucifer:
What's with all those "hoo-hoo" noises?

Grandpa Lucifer:
"Everything's fine"? Who're you bullshitting? The last time you said everything was fine, the Renaissance happened!

Blind Deacon:
Though I cannot see with these blind eyes, I know the good Lord still loves me! He loves all of his children—why he loves you, and he loves you…[smells Nicky's presence] You make the Lord…very nervous! You…I'm burning now! Hellfire is burning me alive! The beast is alive! He's among us! Clear the streets! The devil is here…!

Blind Deacon:
[after sensing Nicky's presence again] Why do you taunt me with your darkness!? You're evil! It's stinking up our streets! The end is near! We are all going to die—[slams into a lightpost and falls]…We will meet again, Lucifer…

Blind Deacon:
[after sensing Nicky's flying above the city] The hell beast is above us! And I can smell the evil slut!

Blind Deacon:
Holy sh*t, we really are going to die!["Then he accidentally walks into flames and catches fire"]

Whitey Duvall/The Referee:
He's walking! Get him a bus!

Whitey Duvall/The Referee:
Guess what, cornrows? Technical foul! You're out of here!

Whitey Duvall/The Referee:
Who gives a sh*t?

Whitey Duvall/The Referee:
Ten points off from the Globetrotters on account of the bigmouth!

Whitey Duvall/The Referee:
Hit the half-time buzzer. I'm tired.

Whitey Duvall/The Referee:
Get that crap out of here!

Townie:
Hey, Nicky. Cover Winkler in bees. You can do it!

Peeper:
  I think Victoria just told me her Secret.

Priest/Adrian:
  In today's gospel, the Lord tells us how we should live if we wish to attain the splendor of Heaven…or something like that. Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat! [hums a silly tune]

Stanley:
  You can't go through there! The fire flows in, not out! [Cassius and Adrian go through fire gate] You really suck!

Stanley:
  Now, you're going to see what a big, horny bird actually looks like. In Hell!

Demon:
  Popeyes Chicken is the shiznit!

Pete:
  My underwear is so far up my ass, I could taste it!

Satan:
  Now, that was an experience. 'You are only coming through in waves.' That line blows my mind every time. I don't care what mood you're in the start of that song. When it's finished, that mood had been altered.