Monty Python's Life of Brian

Monty Python's Life of Brian

Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979, also known as Life of Brian) is a satirical film by the Monty Python comedy troupe about a man who is born at the same time as (and next door to) Jesus, and whose life parallels his.

Year:
1979
3,170 Views
A motion picture destined to offend nearly two thirds of the civilized world. And severely annoy the other third.
See the movie that's controversial, sacrilegious, and blasphemous. But if that's not playing, see The Life of Brian.
Honk if you love Brian.
The film that is so funny it was banned in Norway.
He wasn't the messiah. He was a very naughty boy.
Just when you thought you were saved...
Makes Ben-Hur look like an epic.

[Brian is caught graffiti-ing a wall]

Centurion:
What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the 'ouse"?

Brian:
[terrified] It... it says "Romans go home".

Centurion:
No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? [Brian hesitates.] Come on, come on!

Brian:
"Romanus"?

Centurion:
Goes like...?

Brian:
"Annus"?

Centurion:
Vocative plural of "annus" is...?

Brian:
"Anni."

Centurion:
[writing] "Romani". "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?

Brian:
"Go".

Centurion:
Conjugate the verb "to go".

Brian:
Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.

Centurion:
So "eunt" is...?

Brian:
Third person plural, present indicative. "They go".

Centurion:
But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the…?

Brian:
[getting his earlock pulled, increasingly panicked] Ah, imperative?

Centurion:
Which is…?

Brian:
Uh, uhm, "i"! "I"!

Centurion:
How many Romans?

Brian:
Aah! Plural, plural! "Ite"! "Ite"!

Centurion:
[writing] "Ite". "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?”

Brian:
Dative? [centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's throat] Ah! Not dative! Not the dative, sir! Ah! Ah! Oh! Accusative, accusative! "Domum", sir, "ad domum".

Centurion:
Except that "domus" takes the…?

Brian:
The vocative, sir?

Centurion:
Which is…?

Brian:
"Domum"!

Centurion:
"Domum". [writing] "Um". Understand?

Brian:
Yes, sir.

Centurion:
Now write it out a 'undred times.

Brian:
Yes sir, thank you sir, Hail Caesar sir. [calming down]

Centurion:
Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

Brian:
Oh thank you sir. Thank you sir. Hail Caesar and everything sir.

[at sunrise the wall is covered in writing]

Brian:
[exhausted, finishing the last line] Finished!

Centurion:
Right. Now don't do it again.

[Brian climbs down the ladder, steps back and surveys his handiwork. Three Roman centurions appear, look at the wall, then turn to Brian in anger. Brian looks at them; his eyes widen in realisation as he runs away and they give chase]

[as Brian is brought before Pontius Pilate]

Centurion:
Hail Caesar!

Pontius Pilate:
Hail.

Centurion:
Only one survivor, sir.

Pontius Pilate:
Ah. Thwow him to the floow.

Centurion:
What, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
Thwow him... to the floow.

[the lead centurion nods to the others who are carrying Brian, so they will throw him to the floor according to Pilate's orders]

Pontius Pilate:
Now... What is youw name, Jew?

Brian:
Brian, sir.

Pontius Pilate:
Bwian, eh?

Brian:
No no, Brian. [the lead centurion slaps him] Ow!

Pontius Pilate:
Hoo hoo hoo hoo. The little wascal has spiwit.

Centurion:
Has what, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
Spiwit.

Centurion:
Yes, he did, sir.

Pontius Pilate:
[confused] No no, spiwit's, um... Bwavado... A touch of dawing-do...

Centurion:
Oh, um, about eleven, sir. [Pilate is even more confused, before turning back to Brian]

Pontius Pilate:
So... You dawe to waid us?

Brian:
To what, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!

Centurion:
[slaps Brian again; then, mocking Pilate's Rhotacism] Oh, and uh... Thwow him to the floow, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
What?

Centurion:
Thwow him to the floow again, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
Oh yes, thwow him to the floow, please. [the centurions do so] Now, Jewish wapscallion...

Brian:
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.

Pontius Pilate:
A Woman?

Brian:
No no, Roman. [the lead centurion slaps him one more time]

Pontius Pilate:
So! Youw fathew was a Woman. Who was he?

Brian:
He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons.

Pontius Pilate:
Weally? What was his name?

Brian:
Naughtius Maximus. [the lead centurion starts to laugh, but stops himself when Pilate looks at him confused]

Pontius Pilate:
Centuwion, do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison?

Centurion:
Well, no sir.

Pontius Pilate:
Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?

Centurion:
Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir. [someone snickers in the background]

Pontius Pilate:
...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?

Centurion:
Well, it's a joke name, sir.

Pontius Pilate:
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. [one of the centurions in the room starts snickering, drawing Pilate's attention to him] Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!

Brian:
Can I go now, sir? [the lead centurion slaps him once more]

Pontius Pilate:
Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this... [the snickering centurion from before snickers louder, unable to hold his laughter in in anymore] Wight! Take him away!

Centurion:
Oh, sir, he...

Pontius Pilate:
No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within the week!

Centurion:
Yes, sir. Come on, you. [leads the laughing centurion out]

Pontius Pilate:
I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy! [turns his attention to the centurions who brought Brian in] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... [Pilate approaches very sternly, as one of the centurion is visibly straining not to laugh] Biggus... Dickus? [Pilate turns to one of the spearmen, who is similarly grimacing] What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus... Dickus? [the centurions are barely able to hold in their snickers at this point; Pilate continues to provoke them, returning to the soldiers that brought Brian] He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? [the centurions shake their heads negatively, still straining] She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks... [the centiruions, unable to hold in anymore, start laughing out loud] Shut up! What is all this?! I've had enough of this wowdy, webel, sniggewing behaviouw! Silence! You call youwselves centuwion guawds! [notices Brian scurrying away in the confusion] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!

High Priest:
Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath...

Matthias:
Do I say "yes"?

Female Stone Helper 1:
Yes.

Matthias:
Yes.

High Priest:
You have been found guilty by the elders of the town, of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a BLASPHEMER! [The crowd reacts approvingly] You are to be stoned to death.

Matthias:
Look. I-I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

[The crowds reacted angrily]

High Priest:
BLASPHEMY! [to the crowd] He's said it again!

Crowd:
Yes! Yes, he did! He did!

High Priest:
Did you hear him?!

Crowd:
Yes! Yes, we did! We did!

Woman 1:
Really!

[Silence]

High Priest:
[shocked and confused] Are there any women here today?

Crowd:
[in male voices] No. No. No. No...

High Priest:
Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...

[One Woman stones Matthias]

Matthias:
Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!

High Priest:
Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.

Crowd:
[in female voices] She did! She did! [in male voices] He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.

Woman who casts 1st stone:
Sorry. I thought we'd started.

High Priest:
Go to the back.

Woman who casts 1st stone:
Oh, dear.

High Priest:
Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?

Matthias:
Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah".

Crowd:
Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!

High Priest:
YOU'RE ONLY MAKING IT WORSE FOR YOURSELF!

Matthias:
Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

[The crowds again react angrily]

High Priest:
I'm warning you. If you say Jehovah once more... [Mrs. A stones the High Priest; Matthias laughs] Right. Who threw that? [Silence] Come on. Who threw that?

[Mrs. A tried to escape, but the crowd blocked her]

Crowd:
[in female voices] She did! It was her! [in male voices] He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

High Priest:
Was it you?

Mrs. A:
Yes.

High Priest:
Right!

Mrs. A:
Well, you did say "Jehovah".

[The crowd stones Mrs. A]:

High Priest:
[Irritated] STOP! STOP, WIll YOU?! STOP THAT! [everyone stops] STOP IT! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say "Jehovah".

[Then the crowd stone the High Priest, then three Women slammed a large rock over him, instantly killing him]

Woman 2:
Gotcha!

[The crowd broke to a applause, the sentries look at each other]

[The People's Front of Judea are breaking into Caesar's palace. However, they become distracted by the Campaign for a Free Galilee, a rival organization with the same plan]

Deadly Dirk:
Campaign for Free Galilee!

Francis:
Oh. Uh, People's Front of Judea. Officials.

Deadly Dirk:
Oh.

Francis:
What's your group doing here?

Deadly Dirk:
We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.

Francis:
So are we.

Deadly Dirk:
What?

Francis:
That's our plan!

Deadly Dirk:
We were here first!

Francis:
What do you mean?!

Deadly Dirk:
We thought of it first!

Warris:
Oh, yeah?

Deadly Dirk:
Yes, a couple of years ago!

PFJ:
Ha. Heh. Ha ha.

Deadly Dirk:
We did!

Francis:
Okay, c-- co-- come on. You got all your demands worked out, then?

Deadly Dirk:
'Course we have.

Francis:
What are they?

Deadly Dirk:
Well, I'm not telling you.

PFJ:
Aghhh...

Francis:
Oh, come on. Pull the other one.

PFJ:
Shh!

Deadly Dirk:
That's not the point! We thought of it before you!

Warris:
Did not.

Deadly Dirk:
We did!

Francis:
You didn't.

CFG:
We bloody did!

Brian:
Shhhh!

PFJ:
Shhhhh! Shh.

Deadly Dirk:
You bastards! We've been planning this for months.

Francis:
Well, tough titty for you, Fish Face. [Deadly Dirk pokes him on the eye, a fight breaks out]

Brian:
Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together.

PFJ Member:
[in a headlock] We are!

Brian:
We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy!

All:
THE JUDEAN PEOPLE'S FRONT?!

Brian:
No, no, the Romans!

Everyone:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Francis:
Yeah. He's right

Random:
Look out!

[A Roman soldier walks on the corridor, causing everyone to hide, then disappears]

Deadly Dirk:
Right! Where were we?

Francis:
Uhh, you were going to punch me.

[fights broke out again, both parties suffered casualties except Brian. Two Roman soldiers appear, watching the fight with disapproval]


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