Monty Python and the Holy Grail

King of Swamp Castle:
Listen, Alice...

Prince Herbert:
Herbert.

King of Swamp Castle:
Herbert...

God:
What are you doing now?

King Arthur:
Averting our eyes, oh Lord.

God:
Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing.

King of Swamp Castle:
Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.

God:
Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...

French Soldier:
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Sir Galahad:
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

French Soldier:
No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.

Sir Lancelot:
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Sir Galahad:
I don't think I was.

Sir Lancelot:
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

Sir Galahad:
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

Sir Lancelot:
No, it's too perilous.

Sir Galahad:
Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

Sir Lancelot:
No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.

Sir Galahad:
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

Sir Lancelot:
No. It's unhealthy.

Sir Galahad:
I bet you're gay.

Sir Lancelot:
No, I'm not.

Black Knight:
Have at you.

King Arthur:
You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.

Black Knight:
Oh, had enough eh?

King Arthur:
Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.

Black Knight:
Yes I have.

King Arthur:
Look.

Black Knight:
Just a flesh wound.

Sir Bedevere:
What makes you think she's a witch?

Peasant 3:
Well she turned me into a newt.

Sir Bedevere:
A newt?

Peasant 3:
...I got better.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Who's that then?

The Dead Collector:
I dunno, must be a king.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Why?

The Dead Collector:
He hasn't got sh*t all over him.

French Soldier:
You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.

French Soldier:
Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Who goes there?

King Arthur:
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Pull the other one!

King Arthur:
I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
What? Ridden on a horse?

King Arthur:
Yes!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
You're using coconuts!

King Arthur:
What?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

King Arthur:
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Where'd you get the coconuts?

King Arthur:
We found them.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

King Arthur:
What do you mean?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Well, this is a temperate zone

King Arthur:
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

King Arthur:
Not at all. They could be carried.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

King Arthur:
It could grip it by the husk!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

King Arthur:
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

King Arthur:
Please!

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Am I right?

King Arthur:
Old woman.

Dennis:
Man.

King Arthur:
Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

Dennis:
I'm 37.

King Arthur:
What?

Dennis:
I'm 37. I'm not old.

King Arthur:
Well I can't just call you "man".

Dennis:
Well you could say "Dennis".

King Arthur:
I didn't know you were called Dennis.

Dennis:
Well you didn't bother to find out did you?

King Arthur:
I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...

Dennis:
What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.

King Arthur:
Well I am king.

Dennis:
Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

Dennis:
Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.

Dennis:
Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

Dennis:
Come see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed.

Sir Bedevere:
...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.

King Arthur:
This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

King of Swamp Castle:
One day, lad, all this will be yours.

Prince Herbert:
What, the curtains?

King of Swamp Castle:
No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out over the valleys and the hills! That'll be your kingdom, lad.

King of Swamp Castle:
When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.

Sir Lancelot:
Look, my liege.

King Arthur:
Camelot.

Sir Galahad:
Camelot.

Sir Lancelot:
Camelot.

Patsy:
It's only a model.

King Arthur:
Shh.

King Arthur:
On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Bridgekeeper:
Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Lancelot:
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your name?

Sir Lancelot:
My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

Sir Lancelot:
To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your favourite colour?

Sir Lancelot:
Blue.

Bridgekeeper:
Go on. Off you go.

Sir Lancelot:
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Sir Robin:
That's easy.

Bridgekeeper:
Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Robin:
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your name?

Sir Robin:
Sir Robin of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

Sir Robin:
To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is the capital of Assyria?

Sir Robin:
I don't know that.

Sir Robin:
Auuuuuuuugh.

Bridgekeeper:
Stop. What... is your name?

Galahad:
Sir Galahad of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

Galahad:
I seek the Grail.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your favourite colour?

Galahad:
Blue. No, yel...

Galahad:
auuuuuuuugh.

Bridgekeeper:
Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?

King Arthur:
It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

King Arthur:
To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

King Arthur:
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Bridgekeeper:
Huh? I... I don't know that.

Bridgekeeper:
Auuuuuuuugh.

Sir Bedevere:
How do know so much about swallows?

King Arthur:
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Black Knight:
Right, I'll do you for that!

King Arthur:
You'll what?

Black Knight:
Come here!

King Arthur:
What are you gonna do, bleed on me?

Black Knight:
I'm invincible!

King Arthur:
...You're a loony.

Dingo:
You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.

All:
And me. And me too. And me.

Dingo:
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.

Dingo:
And after the spanking, the oral sex.

Galahad:
Well I could stay a bit longer...

Knight 1:
We are the Knights who say... NI.

Roger the Shrubber:
Are you saying Ni to that old woman?

King Arthur:
Um, yes.

Roger the Shrubber:
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.

King Arthur:
Did you say shrubberies?

Roger the Shrubber:
Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

Knight 1:
We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.

Other Knights:
Shh...

Knight 1:
We are now the Knights who say..."Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm.

King of Swamp Castle:
We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

Prince Herbert:
But I don't like her.

King of Swamp Castle:
Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

Tim:
Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

King Arthur:
What an eccentric performance.

The Dead Collector:
Bring out yer dead.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Here's one.

The Dead Collector:
That'll be ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't:
I'm not dead.

The Dead Collector:
What?

Large Man with Dead Body:
Nothing. There's your ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't:
I'm not dead.

The Dead Collector:
'Ere, he says he's not dead.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Yes he is.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't:
I'm not.

The Dead Collector:
He isn't.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't:
I'm getting better.

Large Man with Dead Body:
No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

The Dead Collector:
Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't:
I don't want to go on the cart.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Oh, don't be such a baby.

The Dead Collector:
I can't take him.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't:
I feel fine.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Oh, do me a favor.

The Dead Collector:
I can't.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

The Dead Collector:
I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Well, when's your next round?

The Dead Collector:
Thursday.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't:
I think I'll go for a walk.

Large Man with Dead Body:
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't:
I feel happy. I feel happy.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Ah, thank you very much.

The Dead Collector:
Not at all. See you on Thursday.

Large Man with Dead Body:
Right.

King Arthur:
Can we come up and have a look?

French Soldier:
Of course not. You're English types.

King Arthur:
What are you then?

French Soldier:
I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

Sir Galahad:
What are you doing in England?

French Soldier:
Mind your own business.

King of Swamp Castle:
You only killed the bride's father, you know.

Sir Lancelot:
Well, I didn't mean to.

King of Swamp Castle:
Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.

Sir Lancelot:
Oh dear... is he all right?

King Arthur:
It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England.

Sir Bedevere:
There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

Peasant 1:
Are there? Oh well, tell us.

Sir Bedevere:
Tell me. What do you do with witches?

Peasant 1:
Burn them.

Sir Bedevere:
And what do you burn, apart from witches?

Peasant 1:
More witches.

Peasant 2:
Wood.

Sir Bedevere:
Good. Now, why do witches burn?

Peasant 3:
...because they're made of... wood?

Sir Bedevere:
Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?

Peasant 1:
Build a bridge out of her.

Sir Bedevere:
But can you not also build bridges out of stone?

Peasant 1:
Oh yeah.

Sir Bedevere:
Does wood sink in water?

Peasant 1:
No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!

Sir Bedevere:
No, no. What else floats in water?

Peasant 1:
Bread.

Peasant 2:
Apples.

Peasant 3:
Very small rocks.

Peasant 1:
Cider.

Peasant 2:
Gravy.

Peasant 3:
Cherries.

Peasant 1:
Mud.

Peasant 2:
Churches.

Peasant 3:
Lead! Lead!

King Arthur:
A Duck.

Sir Bedevere:
...Exactly. So, logically...

Peasant 1:
If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.

Sir Bedevere:
And therefore...

Peasant 2:
...A witch!

Sir Galahad:
What a strange person.

Sir Galahad:
Zoot!

Dingo:
No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

Dingo:
Where are you going?

Sir Galahad:
I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!

Dingo:
No, oh no! Bad, bad Zoot!

Sir Galahad:
What is it?

Dingo:
She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is Grail shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

Sir Galahad:
It's not the real Grail?

Dingo:
Oh, wicked, bad, naught evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty!

Dingo:
Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes I think.

Left Head:
Our was better visually.

Dennis:
Ours was committed, it wasn't just a string of p*ssy jokes.

Bridgekeeper:
Get on with it.

Tim:
Yes! Get on with it!

Dingo:
Oh, thank you, thank you!

God:
Get on with it!

Zoot:
Welcome, brave sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

Sir Galahad:
The Castle Anthrax?

Zoot:
Yes... it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we'll attend to your every need.

Woman:
And who are you?

King Arthur:
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Woman:
King of the who?

King Arthur:
King of the Britons.

Woman:
Who are the Britons?

King Arthur:
We all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.

Woman:
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

King Arthur:
NI.

Sir Bedevere:
NOU.

King Arthur:
No, NI.

Sir Bedevere:
NOU.

King Arthur:
No No, NI... NI.

Sir Bedevere:
No,No,No,No... NI.

Woman:
And who are you?

King Arthur:
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Woman:
Who are the Britons?

King Arthur:
We all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.

Woman:
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Sir Robin:
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

King Arthur:
Oh shut up and go and change your armour.

King Arthur:
Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?

Tim:
There are some who call me... Tim.

Page:
Message for you, sir.

Tim:
There he is!

King Arthur:
Where?

Tim:
There!

King Arthur:
What? Behind the rabbit?

Tim:
It *is* the rabbit!

King Arthur:
You silly sod!

Tim:
What?

King Arthur:
You got us all worked up!

Tim:
Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.

King Arthur:
Ohh.

Tim:
That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!

Sir Robin:
You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

Tim:
Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!

Sir Galahad:
Get stuffed!

Tim:
He'll do you up a treat, mate.

Sir Galahad:
Oh, yeah?

Sir Robin:
You mangy Scots git!

Tim:
I'm warning you!

Sir Robin:
What's he do? Nibble your bum?

Tim:
He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!

King Arthur:
Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!

Sir Bors:
Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

Woman:
Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here!

Tim:
I *warned* you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you *knew*, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little *bunny*, isn't it?

Narrator:
Suddenly, the animator had a sudden heart attack and died.

Narrator:
The cartoon peril was no more.

Concorde:
He's not quite dead.

Prince Herbert:
Oh, I feel much better.

King of Swamp Castle:
You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!

Prince Herbert:
I was saved at the last minute.

King of Swamp Castle:
How?

Prince Herbert:
Well, I'll tell you.

King of Swamp Castle:
Not like that, not like that! No! Stop it! Nooo!

Dennis the peasant:

"Look, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government"