Private Parts

Howard Stern:
Lesbians equals ratings.

Ben Stern:
I told you not to be stupid, you moron.

Howard Stern:
For this movie you've gotta suspend disbelief.

Howard Stern:
I tell you, nothing makes a woman hotter than to be with an award-winning filmmaker.

Howard Stern:
We never went to ballgames. The only sport my dad liked was yelling.

Roger Erlick:
Howard is on the FCC's Most Wanted List.

Howard Stern:
After all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses is it not?

Pig Vomit:
You are the mother f***ing anti-christ.

Ozzy Osbourne:
What a f***ing jerk.

Ben Stern:
Symphony Sid. By the powers bested in me by the New York Radio district, I command you get on the air in a serious manner.

Howard:
But why can't I play with my puppets?

Howard Stern:
I am the hero of the lesbian community.

Howard:
Irene...the weather girl. Irene, are you there?

Irene:
It's cold, real cold, but your ass is gonna be plenty hot when I give you a good, hard butt-whipping. Tongue. What do you think about that? Turns you on, doesn't it, you little maggot?

Howard:
Yeah. Irene, thank you for the weather forecast.

Irene:
Shut up.

Howard:
We hope to hear from you tomorrow...Give us some more weather.

Irene:
Bite me, you loser.

Alison:
Howard...I'm willing to believe you didn't sleep with that girl. OK? And I understand you're a somewhat abnormal person with a somewhat abnormal job. That I can accept. I deal with abnormality every single day. I don't need everything in my life to be normal. And on the air, you do what you do. That's your job. But off the air, for me to be in this marriage...I need to know I'm the only one. And I'm not saying that to pressure you. I'm saying it because it's just something I know about myself. So... if you need more time or whatever...

Howard:
I don't need any more time. I am just so madly in love with you. I don't... I don't need anyone else in my life. I never wanted anyone else in my life. All I want is you. I just want you to forgive me. Thanks for coming back.

Howard:
I feel like such a loser.

Alison:
It's not your fault. It was a lame station.

Howard:
Yeah, it was my fault.

Alison:
You can't blame a radio station.

Howard:
It's my screwup.

Alison:
In what way?

Howard:
In a way that I gotta figure out what I'm gonna be. I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys that runs around the country, you know, looking for work all the time. I don't want to end up like that. It's so sad. It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing. I should be talking about my personal life. I've got to get intimate. And every time I feel like I shouldn't say something, maybe I should just say it, just blurt it out, you know? I just got to let things fly. I got to go all the way.

Alison:
You didn't go all the way before?

Howard:
No. I mean...No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back.

Alison:
Then I guess you should go all the way.

Howard:
Good morning. This is Howard Stern. Welcome to the show. I have a confession to make. I did not get, uh, laid last night. In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. Now, give me a call here at DC 101 if you have the same kind of problem. Having trouble with your woman? Give me a call. I'll help you out. Let me introduce, over here to my right, my beautiful new newswoman Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful, I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems. But I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd. I get hornier and hornier. My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep. The whole week goes by, she never gets horny. Robin, as a woman, what is it? Do women get horny?

Robin:
Sometimes.

Howard:
Hi, honey. Robin Leach says we should move to Antigua.

Alison:
[taking off her clothes] Oh, yeah? Come on, hurry up. Snap to it. I'm ovulating.

Howard:
I'm in the middle of important show research.

Alison:
Howard, seriously, come on.

Howard:
You know what? You're getting baby fever here. And you know, maybe it's a little premature. I'm about two days away from being fired, the way I figure it. And do you want to know something? You got to think about the economics of this.

Alison:
You're gonna be the best morning man in the history of radio. At any minute, you're gonna be number one.

Howard:
Is that so?

Alison:
Yeah! Strip!

Howard:
Let me tell you something. Look at yourself. You're completely on fire about having a baby. You don't understand. I'm not a piece of meat. I mean, I have to be romanced.

Alison:
Oh, yeah. Please.

Howard:
Ooh, look at that bra. Where did you get that?

Alison:
You like this?

Howard:
OK. That's it. That's it! I am making a baby! It's baby time! I'm ready to give you a baby.

Alison:
Thank you.

Howard:
Hold on. [pulls pants down and hops towards her]

Alison:
OK. Now I'm hot. Now I actually want to have sex. I didn't before and now I do.

Howard:
Robin, watch this. What am I doing?

Robin:
Uh, having a seizure?

Howard:
No, that's not a seizure. That's me dancing because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night.

Robin:
Oh!

Howard:
Yeah, I really did. In fact, it was not for lust. It was 'cause I was making a kid.

Robin:
Oh.

Howard:
In fact, my wife's eggs are very old. They're very, you know, she's getting older. But my sperm is like supersperm, so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot.

Robin:
Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine.

Howard:
My sperm are fantastic. I'm fantastic. I'm in a good mood.

Caller:
I was calling because I have a really big problem.

Howard:
What's your problem?

Caller:
Well, every morning I lie in bed, and the only thing I can do is think of you.

Howard:
Oh, really? Well, let's see if we can't help you with your problem. What do you look like?

Caller:
Well, I've got blond hair, and I've got blue eyes, and my measurements are about 38-24-34. Some people tell me I look a lot like Farrah Fawcett.

Howard:
I can help you. Robin, I can help this girl.

Robin:
You know, we have the most beautiful audience.

Howard:
We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way. You know what we're gonna do to solve your problem? I'm gonna have sex with you right now over the radio.

Robin:
How are we gonna do that?

Howard:
Very simple. I've thought this through, Robin. First of all, what kind of radio are you listening to us on? You have a transistor radio, or you have one of those big sound systems?

Caller:
I have one of those big sound systems.

Howard:
Good. OK. Could you turn the treble all the way down and put the bass all the way up?

Caller:
OK. The treble's down, and the bass is up.

Howard:
Take your speaker...You got a big speaker?

Caller:
Yes, I do.

Howard:
Lay it flat on the floor. And I want you to sort of straddle the speaker.

Robin:
Howard!

Caller:
Do what?

Robin:
A woman cannot be aroused in that way.

Howard:
No. This is really wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong. In fact, my father was a radio engineer, and he proved this theory years ago. You've got to believe. Now, what I need you to do is put your private area over the woofer.

Caller:
I can't believe you're really making me to do this.

Howard:
Come on, do it. Right up against it so you can feel me.

Caller:
I'm on.

Robin:
Oh, I have to ask her a question. What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio?

Howard:
Don't answer that question. Bad question. You're gonna ruin this woman's mood. She might start second-guessing. Are you ready to have sex?

Caller:
[Giggling] Oh, my God.

Howard:
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Caller:
Ooh!

Howard:
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Caller:
Oohh! Ooh. It kinda tingles.

Howard:
See? It tingles. She likes it.

Robin:
Yeah, sure.

Howard:
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Caller:
Ohh! Oh...

Robin:
She's full of it.

Caller:
Aahh! Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!

Howard:
Listen to her. She's going wild.

Robin:
You got me moaning.

Howard:
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Caller:
Ohhhhhhhh! Oh, my goodness. Ohhh!

Howard:
[laughs] This is the best sex I ever had.

Alison:
How could you do that? Do you think that was funny? You think it's funny to make jokes about our personal life like that? You're an a**hole!

Howard:
What are you talking about? Alison, I love you. What are you talking about?

Alison:
Howard, not everything is for your audience. I need a life that is ours, that belongs to us.

Howard:
I'm on the air 6 hours a day. I'm trying to come up with material. I hate going out.

Alison:
Too bad!

Howard:
I said when we came here, if I was gonna win on the radio, I'd have to talk about everything. I couldn't hold back.

Alison:
Howard...

Howard:
Come on, last night we were laughing about this. I just assumed you thought it was funny.

Alison:
It was funny for us last night. Privately, for us.

Howard:
Alison, if I don't talk about you and me on the air...

Alison:
Shut up. Shut up.

Howard:
The audience isn't gonna be there.

Alison:
Shut up! Shut up!

Howard:
I won't make any money.

Alison:
Shut up! You disgust me! I can't even look at you, idiot!

Kenny:
Uh, Mr. Erlick, if I may? Put me in charge of the Stern show. Let me ride herd on him, and I'll mold that son of a b*tch into another Don Imus. When I'm through whipping him, that boy will be asking permission to wipe his ass.

Vin:
You want to tame him?

Kenny:
Well, either I'll tame him, or I'll make him so crazy...he'll quit. So either way, we win.

Howard:
I gotta tell you something, Kenny. I always saw myself sort of something different than lmus. That's why you hired me.

Kenny:
You are original. You are original, but... You say a lot of offensive things, and occasionally you are real funny, but you've got to learn to do what Imus does. See, he doesn't actually say the bad thing himself. He says it through a character.

Howard:
Yeah, well, I don't do character...

Kenny:
How about you go on the air 3 A.M. This morning, show us some characters. OK? Good.

Imus:
You are interrupting me.

Kenny:
I have, uh, Howard Stern outside.

Imus:
You have who outside?

Kenny:
The young man from Washington that we...

Imus:
You have Howard Stern outside my f***ing office? How did Howard Stern get outside my f***ing office?

Kenny:
I brought him down...

Imus:
Well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid f***. He's nothing.

[Imus sticks his head out his door to see Howard]

Imus:
[to Howard] F*** off!

Howard:
I was not saying the call letters right. It's a big problem, so in order to rectify this, I brought in a cup of Blackswell's semen.

Robin:
Semen?

Fred:
I squoze it myself. I hope it's not too tangy.

Robin:
And what are you gonna do with it?

Howard:
I'm gonna gargle with this and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right.

Robin:
You think that'll work?

Howard:
I don't care, 'cause I love the taste of a man. Ooga.

...

Fred:
There she blows.

Howard:
Oh. Can you believe it?

Robin:
You just swallowed.

Howard:
I swallowed. Oh, my God.

Fred:
Waste not, want not, Robin.

Howard:
Oh! I wanna say I love W N BC. See? It worked. I can say it.

Kenny:
You goddamn motherfuckers. You f***ing waltz in here, and you think you know everything, don't you? Well, I f***ing worked my f***ing ass off to get to New York City, and you sure as f*** are not gonna f***ing blow it for me!

Howard:
I was just doing character...

Kenny:
Barry, Jerry, clarify the situation for him, please.

Barry:
Page 108, paragraph 3: "No jokes dealing with flatulence, excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions."

Jerry:
Also note paragraph 2: "No use of the so-called seven dirty words. These are cocksucker, motherf***er, f***, sh*t, c*nt, cock, and p*ssy."

Kenny:
Now, from now on, all your little bits are gonna be under 2 minutes in duration, and all scripts...and I do mean all scripts...require my personal approval. Welcome to NBC, Howard.

Howard:
Hi, everybody. My name is Gene Sternburn, and welcome to Match Game. We have a lot of excitement in the air today because we have some great panelists.

...

Howard:
Let's play our game now, OK? Shall we? And what we're gonna do is ask you to fill in the blank, OK? Now, I want you to listen carefully. Our first clue up is...blank willow. Blank willow. [Music Plays] Let's go over to Miss Brett Somers right now. Now, Brett, what did you have for us? Blank willow.

Robin; The only thing on my mind, Gene, was p*ssy.

Howard:
Uh-oh. P*ssy. Hey, all right. Hey, that's kind of wild. P*ssy willow, that's what I would have said. All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon, former president of the United States. What did you have? Blank willow.

Fred:
In any language, p*ssy.

Howard:
All right! Now let's go to our newest member of the panel, Mr. Jackie "Jokeman" Martling. Blank willow.

Jackie:
Well, Gene, I didn't write it too neat, so I have a sloppy p*ssy.

Howard:
Sloppy p*ssy! We had a sloppy and a fuzzy p*ssy and a very big one.

Fred:
Are we talking about Brett again?

Howard:
All right, now, Let's keep going. Now it's gonna get a little rougher, OK? Everybody ready? Blank a-doodle-doo. Blank a-doodle-doo. [Music Plays] Blank a-doodle-doo. Think about that while the celebrities are writing. Here we are. Let's go over to our Dick Nixon, our own ex-president. What do you got there, Dick?

Fred:
Well, it takes a Dick to know a cock, and that's what I wrote.

Howard:
Cock-a-doodle-doo. Now, that's what I would have said. That seemed like the obvious answer. OK, let's go to our own Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. Jackie The Jokeman?

Jackie:
Gene, I have cock, and I wrote it big. I have a big cock.

Howard:
Uh, I don't think you can say "big cock" on the radio. I think that's a no-no.

Robin:
But I just said p*ssy.

Jackie:
Yeah, she just said p*ssy.

Howard:
Yes, p*ssy is OK. It's the way he says it. "Big cock" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.

Jackie:
So I can't say "big cock," but you can say "big cock coming out of my mouth"?

Howard:
That's correct.

Jackie:
That sucks.

Fred:
Did you just say, "big cock coming out of your mouth sucks"?

Howard:
All right, enough of this nonsense. We gotta move to Miss Brett Somers.

Robin:
Just like the boys, Gene, I've got cock.

Howard:
There it is, cock-a-doo...do me a favor and hold that up so I can see your cock.

Jackie:
Aw, Gene, don't have...

Howard:
All right, there it is. Cock, cock, cock. I must tell you, though, we have to end this fun right now.

Howard:
Hi. Is this Betty Jean Rushton?

Betty Jean:
Yes, it is.

Howard:
Betty Jean, hi. It's Howard Stern, W N BC. I work with your husband Kenny.

Betty Jean:
Yes. Kenny's mentioned you.

Howard:
Oh, I bet Kenny has. The reason I'm calling is because your husband has been very bitchy around here lately, and I'm thinking that maybe if you gave him some more sex...

Betty Jean:
More sex?

Howard:
Yeah. He's backed up. Isn't he backed up, Ross?

Howard:
That is the first naked lady in the history of radio. Sans panties, sans bra.

Robin:
I am shocked.

Howard:
So am I. This is disgraceful. We should be taken off the air.

Robin:
You've finally done it.

Howard:
Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art. Did you know that?

Mandy:
Thank you, Howard.

Howard:
Let me tell you something. Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio, Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me and give me a massage while she is nude.

Robin:
What does a massage have to do with making it into history?

Howard:
Who knows? I don't know. Massage, schmas. I just gotta get touched.

Howard:
Let me soak you in. Holy cow, are you naked. You know what I like about you?

Mandy:
What?

Howard:
I like that you're the perfect height. I could have sex with you standing up. Look at that. Ooh.

Robin:
Howard! You're married.

Howard:
I am? I mean, I am. Well, I'm not really married anymore.

Mandy:
What do you mean?

Howard:
Take a seat. I'll tell you what happened. My wife was suffering from cancer...I never told you this...and she died last night. I've been single for exactly 24 hours. Honey, if you're up there now, I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side, but I want you to cover your ears and eyes. Besides, you're married to God now...

Howard:
Let me ask you something. You have the look of love in your eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this. You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you?

Mandy:
Physically, I am. I mean, you're smart, you're sexy.

Howard:
Wait. Excuse me for one minute. Robin...

Robin:
I didn't say a thing.

Howard:
Robin, go up to the cafeteria and get some lunch. Yeah, go ahead. Tell me more about me.

Mandy:
You're funny.

Howard:
You know what I would do to you physically?

Mandy:
What would you do?

Howard:
I don't know what I'd do, but let me just say something. Whatever it is, it would last 10 seconds. 10 seconds, I'd be finished. We would have sex, like, 10 times a day. You would love it.

Researcher:
The average radio listener listens for eighteen minutes a day. The average Howard Stern fan listens for - are you ready for this? - an hour and twenty minutes.

Kenny:
How could this be?

Researcher:
Answer most commonly given: "I want to see what he'll say next."

Kenny:
 : All right, fine. But what about the people who hate Stern?

Researcher:
Good point. The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day.

Kenny:
 : But... if they hate him, why do they listen?

Researcher:
Most common answer: "I want to see what he'll say next."

Howard Stern:
My name is Howard Stern, and welcome to the new morning show. And we have a new feature for you. This is, uh, something special. We have a traffic copter now here at WWWW. Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day in the traffic copter. Mama, you there? Hello? Mama? Uh. [Helicopter sound effect] Hello? [In Mama's voice] Yes, hello. This is Mama Look-a boo boo day, the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area, I'm proud to say. [in his normal voice] Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, Mama. Tell me, uh, what's going on in the traffic? [in Mama's voice] First, a political statement, if I may. Kill, Kill, Kill... The White Man, by Eugene Mama Look-a boo boo day. Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the pen. OK, here we go. Kill, kill, kill the white man. Kill him until he is dead. Kill the white man. Thank you.

Howard Stern:
[while playing country music] Howdy, cowpokes. Uh, I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song, but I got to tell you something. I know a lot of you out there really love this music, but I just don't get it. Explain it to me. And maybe it's 'cause I went to college, and I never drove a truck and had sex with my daddy's sister, but...I guess what I'm trying to say is, I...I don't think I'm the man for this job. So this is your old pal Hopalong Howie saying I quit. I... I think I quit.

Howard Stern:
It was then that I made a startling discovery...Lesbians equal ratings.

Howard Stern:
I am Officer Howie, and there's a new law in town. We're taking it over.

Howard Stern:
[to Alison] It's unbelievable. I got a job offer today from WNBC in New York. Afternoon drive, the most powerful radio station in their chain, $150,000 a year. And they said if I do really well, they're gonna syndicate my program all over the country. This is it. This is everything I want. It's like...It's the dream, the Big Apple.

Howard Stern:
I was in the program director's office. His name is Pig Vomit. Yes, because he looks like a pig, and he makes you want to vomit. He's Pig Vomit.

Howard Stern:
I want to pray to God right now. Jesus Christ, who I love so much, more than anything in the whole world, I am begging you, please...send a hit man to the United States of America to kill Pig Vomit finally. Thank you. I love you, God. I'll do whatever you say if you just make that come true.

Howard Stern:
You know, I could get this girl. I know I could get her. And this is the hell that's my life. I mean, think about it. What would it be like to have sex with her? It would be amazing. But I'm not going to act on it. You know why? Because I'd be a schmuck. No, because I love Alison. She stuck with me through the whole thing, you know? You gotta respect that. I think you have to respect that. You have to respect that.

Howard Stern:
So occasionally I make a fool of myself in public, and the FCC wants me off the air, and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts, and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not? But my life isn't bad at all. I'm still on the air, I've got my kids, and I've got Alison. Alison... She's the best friend I could ever have. And who knows? With a little time, the right energy...I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action.

Kenny 'Pig Vomit' Rushton:
This little puppy's finally gonna get housebroken.

Kenny 'Pig Vomit' Rushton:
Howard Stern can kiss my ass in hell!

Stuttering John:
Wait! Wait! Is that it? What, the movie's over? Oh, yeah? That's bullshit! Hi. You know who I am? Yeah, I'm Stuttering John. And you know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why. I've been getting up at 4:00 every morning to work for Howard. I've been pissing off every publicist, burning every freakin' bridge in the industry, And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay me back by putting me in his movie! No, he doesn't! I'm not in the movie! I've been in here for 8 years, cuttin' his friggin' potato! I've been smacked around by Morton Downey, punched in the nose by Raquel Welch, and what do I get? I get f***ing nothing! That's what I get! I'm not even in this f***ing movie! He's says I'll be in the sequel! Yeah? What sequel? Suppose the movie sucks? Th-th-th-there won't even be any sequel!

Kenny 'Pig Vomit' Rushton:
You are the Mother-f***ing Antichrist!