Pushing Daisies

[repeated line]

Narrator:
The facts were these...

[repeated line]

Coroner:
Mmmmmmmmm-hmmmmmmmm.

[repeated line]

Olive Snook:
Jiminy Crispies!

[repeated line]

Emerson Cod:
Oh, HELL no!

[repeated Line]

Emerson Cod:
Aww Hell No!

Emerson Cod:
You can't die of evilness.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Happens all the time; you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.

Olive Snook:
Or bang! You're not really dead, you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.

Emerson Cod:
Or bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car.

Ned:
Everything we do is a choice. Oatmeal or cereal. Highway or side streets. Kiss her or keep her. We make choices and we live with the consequences. If someone gets hurt along the way we ask for forgiveness. It's the best anyone can do.

Olive Snook:
Yesterday, a farrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.

Emerson Cod:
Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?

Olive Snook:
Not a furrier, a farrier. Heir.

Emerson Cod:
Fair-rier?

Olive Snook:
It's a blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.

Emerson Cod:
Don't try to act like that's a word everybody knows.

Narrator:
The Pie Maker had grown accustomed to the feeling his heart made when it looked out his eyes and saw her sleeping in the next bed.

Emerson Cod:
Future Me though, is going 'I told you so' up one side of you down the other one... but Now Me is just gonna sit back and watch.

Emerson Cod:
Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.

Ned:
You're supposed to be dead. You're pushing your luck.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Yeah, well, luck pushed me first.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Do you think dying has made me morbid?

Olive Snook:
I'm a pack rat of sorts myself. Of emotions. Not so much with actual things.

Emerson Cod:
What got thee to a nunnery?

Olive Snook:
Oh, Emerson. You really want to know?

Emerson Cod:
Not especially. That was just my attempt at polite wee talk. Moment's passed, so let's talk compensation.

Ned:
We are so going to hell.

Olive Snook:
Why'd you bring him here when you said you wouldn't?

Emerson Cod:
I need pie boy's special skill set, and pie girl comes with pie boy.

Olive Snook:
Why isn't pie girl minding The Pie Hole?

Emerson Cod:
Because she'd rather be minding his.

Ned:
Did you know Chuck hired a genealogy service to put branches on her family stump? Not because she could expose herself - she dodged that with a hooker wig. It's because she's throwing her heart into it willy-nilly. What's so great about the past? It's past.

Emerson Cod:
Correction: what's so great about your past? From what you tell me - nothing. That's why you don't want to delve.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
By-proxy high five.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
You're taking money from blind children?

Emerson Cod:
I suppose I could pay my bills with blind kids' smiles, but their money is a lot easier.

[last lines]

Ned:
You're the only one for me.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I know you feel that way now, but there are things you want... there are things we both want.

Ned:
Oh, everyone wants stuff. We wake up, everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
What do you need to be happy?

Ned:
You.

Narrator:
Emerson Cod had a very particular view on romantic relations.

Emerson Cod:
Some women love like gangstars. They be like, "Oooh, baby you bleedin', how'd that happen?", while they're hiding the razor in their weave.

Emerson Cod:
[about Harold Hundin's four wives] They were all breeders, too.

Olive Snook:
They make babies for their polygamy cult?

Emerson Cod:
*Dog* breeders.

Olive Snook:
They make dogs for their polygamy cult?

Emerson Cod:
Ain't nobody making nothing for their polygamy cult.

Emerson Cod:
"Under", meaning "below". "Cover", meaning "the radar people". What is so hard about that to understand?

Emerson Cod:
[after seeing the state of Ned after kissing Olive] She dropped a bomb in your self-conscious with her saliva!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
[Digby and Ned chase after Hillary Hundin] Sic her, boys!

Emerson Cod:
The truth ain't like puppies: a bunch running around and you pick your favorite.

Ned:
Candy might be sweet, but it's a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.

Emerson Cod:
An attractive man who makes pies for a living shouldn't even spend a short amount of time in prison.

Ned:
It's my fault Chuck's father is dead. I should just tell her.

Emerson Cod:
Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.

Narrator:
Sometimes a crime of passion is not realizing the passion in time.

Olive Snook, Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Don't mess with the Pie Hos!

Olive Snook:
Can I ask you a question? If you loved me...

Alfredo Aldarisio:
Yes?

Olive Snook:
And we could never, ever, ever touch, wouldn't you eventually get over it and move on letting someone else have the slightest hope that you might move on to them?

Alfredo Aldarisio:
If I loved you?

Olive Snook:
Yeah.

Alfredo Aldarisio:
Then I would love you in any way I could. And if we could not touch, then I would draw strength from your beauty. And if I went blind, then I would fill my soul with the sound of your voice and the contents of your thoughts until the last spark of my love for you lit the shabby darkness of my dying mind.

Olive Snook:
Eh, forget it.

Billy Balsam:
I like the stutter. It was off-putting and odd.

Dilly Balsam:
Amateurs.

Olive Snook:
Wouldn't it just rock and roll if liking someone meant they had to like you back? Of course that'd be a different universe and something else would probably suck.

Olive Snook:
There's no alarm system. Got a credit card?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Why? You know how to pick locks?

Olive Snook:
No. You're gonna need to pay for the damages.

Olive Snook:
Oh, isn't it great we can joke? Now that we that we know that there's nothing going on between us and never was. It can be funny. I bet this sort of thing happens all the time between adults. Mixed romantic messages. In no time we'll be looking back and laugh until we wet the rug. Which we'll then want to shampoo. Couple times. Possibly three, depending on what we were drinking.

Ned:
You're thinking about how to train your bees to fly in people shapes, aren't you?

Ned:
Chuck has a new home. I blame you!

Ned:
I could have been swarmed in my underwear.

Emerson Cod:
You just don't get to put those images in my mind. That's an assault on my imagination.

Emerson Cod:
He is stalking you!

Ned:
There's a reason I don't let Digby play in traffic.

Woolsey Nicholls:
Oh, no no. See, Betty- Betty's the old face, huh? Old being the operative word.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
She's 37!

Woolsey Nicholls:
She's 38, which rounds up to 40, which rounds up to 50, which rounds up to oooold.

Olive Snook:
But I like my belongings. That's why they belong to me.

Vivian Charles:
It was her father's. I'm sure it's teeming with fungus and microscopic bugs that feed on flakes of human skin, but she was fond of it.

Olive Snook:
I spent so much time praying, I've run out of things to say. I'm having awkward silences with God!

Vivian Charles:
You need a drink. Lily, give her your bag.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
They're not gonna kill me during business hours.

Ned:
What's gotten into you?

Olive Snook:
I'm a sawed off shotgun full of secrets!

Vivian Charles:
Did she just say she was armed?

Lily Charles:
You know things about me nobody knows. This place knows things about me nobody knows.

Olive Snook:
Like that you holidayed here thirty years ago and found a baby in a cabbage patch? And by "cabbage patch" I mean your lady parts.

Woolsey Nicholls:
You know, I find that the most amazing creatures have furry behinds.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Why, are you stalking me?

Ned:
That depends. Now that we are living our new Parisian lifestyle, does that mean I can't be close when danger's afoot?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I feel safer now that you're here.

Ned:
Then this isn't stalking. [speaking louder directly into Chuck's bee-mic, addressing Emerson] It's just good old-fashioned chivalry!

Ned:
[crash] I think the human cannonball was meant for us.

[talking about the disgusting porridge which is served at the convent]

Olive Snook:
I could throw up in my mouth and not even notice.

Pierre:
...there are two things clowns make around here: balloon animals and enemies.

Ned:
Where can we find these clowns?

Bailey:
Drunk in a ditch would be my guess. They usually stumble in just before showtime. They always travel in a pack.

Ned:
Like wolves?

Bailey:
More like cigarettes.

Pierre:
I'm upside down, mon ami, I'm not foolish.

Georgeann Heaps:
I don't know who she is anymore. She's completely changed.

Emerson Cod:
Love what's there... Love it. Love, it!

Emerson Cod:
Here lies Dwight, here lies his gun. He was bad, now he's done - let's go!

The Widow Likkin:
Now that I have the recipe, that nice donut man and I are gonna go into business together: "Finger-Lickin' Donut Holes".

Ned:
Sounds delicious... and filthy!

Olive Snook:
America's favorite! You'll make a fortune.

The Widow Likkin:
[screams] My husband, the Colonel, he's dead!

Ned:
He's not just dead... he's extra crispy!

[Dwight Dixon is looking for the watch that he thinks is in Chuck's coffin but which Lily actually has. She confronts him with a loaded shotgun]

Lily Charles:
The way I see this, we both got something you want.

Dwight Dixon:
What would that be... my... spicy cocktail?

Lily Charles:
I got my daughter's watch... and you got your insides where you want 'em.

Colonel Likkin:
...some carpetbaggin' coward snuck up behind, battered me in my own batter and shoved me into boilin' oil. That was murder, son.

Ned:
Really? And you didn't see who did it?

Colonel Likkin:
Attacked from behind. They were stealthy like a snake... or a Yankee.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I need your help.

Emerson Cod:
Friend help or pay help? [Chuck sighs and hangs her head] See that? That's the kind of body language you never hear with pay help.

Marianne Marie Beattle:
Working awful hard for disappointment over there!

Olive Snook:
[addressing Ned, smiling falsely] I'm going to win that blue ribbon, wrap it around her neck, and strangle her with it.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
But the big problem - maybe the biggest problem, in an objective sense - is the dishonesty with Ned. That and the making-someone-else-less-alive part.

Emerson Cod:
"Less alive". Nice euphemism, killer.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
We were at the cemetery in the dead of night. Maybe there was no one else there, maybe no one else died!

Emerson Cod:
Oh, you think this is a "sometimes" rule? Ned lets somebody live longer than a minute and somebody else has to die "sometimes"? No! It's an "every time" rule! There's some sucker out there dead in the leaves.

Olive Snook:
I know it's a tragedy, obviously, but you know what they say: "When God closes a door, he opens an oven".

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Dwight might not have been the nicest man, but everybody deserves a burial with dignity.

Emerson Cod:
Fine, I got buttloads of dignity to sprinkle on the ground. Come on, get holy.

Emerson Cod:
[ingratiatingly] Lily! Delighted.

Lily Charles:
Can the crap and sell it to the tourists. What are you doing here, Cod?

Emerson Cod:
What in the hell are you doing here?

Lily Charles:
Waiting for Dwight Dixon.

Emerson Cod:
Well, uh, he may, uh, disappoint - men do that. What's with the shotgun?

Lily Charles:
Military salute.

Emerson Cod:
[incredulously] For Dwight Dixon?

Lily Charles:
For Charles! But if I happen to miss and blow Dwight's head off - purely by accident - well, that's something my lawyers can pretty much sort out later.

Abner Newsome:
I heard on the new that that Narramore guy got whacked. He turned me down for a good heart once, so... he can pretty much suck it I think.

Emerson Cod:
You don't seem to bereaved at his passing.

Abner Newsome:
I'm not, not at all.

Emma Newsome:
Abner!

Abner Newsome:
Oh please tell me I'm a suspect! Awesome! Cause, cause you know what I did first? I took a magic potion to make the tissue paper sack I call my heart work, then I stepped on his neck with the soggy atrophied bread sticks that used to be my legs.

Madeline McLean:
The bonobo is the gentlest of primates. [whispering] They're great with sick children. [normal tone] That's why I'm giving him to Abner! Were you wishing for a cuddle?

Abner Newsome:
Actually, I was wishing for a butter knife, so I could pop out its heart and use it as my own.

Madeline McLean:
Oh, Okay no monkey! Bobo!... How about tickets to Medieval Times?

Abner Newsome:
On the list of things I'd like, cuddling a monkey and going to Medieval Times are right next to constipation and diphtheria.

Olive Snook:
After all the commotion, I peeped my peeper out the peephole, saw her get on the elevator and you taking the stairs. Take it you didn't catch her.

Ned:
No. We were discussing phantom limbs and I blurted it out; it was like word vomit.

Emerson Cod:
Then you slipped in that word vomit and you fell on your ass now you're covered in word vomit.

Ned:
The Wish-a-Wisher is a kill-a-killer!

Ned:
Do you know you have a "tell" when you lie?

Olive Snook:
Do I?

Ned:
You answer questions with questions.

Olive Snook:
Maybe I know I have a tell and I know you know I have a tell and maybe I'm doing it now to confuse you because you don't know what tell I'm telling.

Narrator:
Olive Snook had been delivering pies for weeks, not realizing she was a homeopathic drug mule.

Narrator:
The facts were these: Abner Newsome was a happy child... for the first thirty-four seconds of his life.

Emerson Cod:
I'm a father.

Ned:
As in a priest?

Emerson Cod:
As in a man... with a daughter.

Emerson Cod:
[about the coroner's sweater] Anybody ever ask you why you wear that sweater?

Coroner:
My niece gave me this sweater last Christmas.

Emerson Cod:
That thing's uglier than a chipmunk's ass.

Ned:
[interrupting] He means the sweater, not your niece.

Emerson Cod:
Why would someone get somebody a Christmas sweater for Christmas? You could only wear it that day.

Ned:
He means should... only wear it that day.

Emerson Cod:
Yeah. Either you got to take off what you got on to put it on or you got to wait another year for the next holiday season.

Coroner:
Why you want to go toe-to-toe with me on fashion? Only thing I want to hear from you people is "Happy holidays, and here's your rent."

Ned:
Happy holidays.

Emerson Cod:
[sarcastically] Here's your rent. [puts money in coroner's hand]

Coroner:
Feels light.

Emerson Cod:
You just stronger than you think.

Coroner:
Mmmm hmmm.

Olive Snook:
Boy, it's cold. You know, you could use a witch's bosom as a hot water bottle on a day like today.

Ned:
Any sign of Chuck?

Olive Snook:
[sigh]... [Imitating Ned] And how are you today Olive? [as herself] I'm fine, thanks for asking, Ned. [Imitating Ned] That was a funny joke about the witch's bosom, Olive. [as herself] Why thanks, Ned! [Imitating Ned] And I appreciate you using the word "bosom". [as herself] Why Ned, because it's less offensive than other words? [Imitating Ned] No, I just simply like the word bosom. I say it to myself all the time. Bosom, bosom, bosom. I just can't help myself, I'm a bosom-aholic.

Ned:
How much does Olive know?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Don't worry about what Olive knows. Even if I told her the truth, that - I died and you brought me back to life, she wouldn't believe me.

Ned:
You don't know that.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Yes I do, 'cause I told her, and she wouldn't believe me.

Ned:
[nervous upon meeting his step-brothers] I just thought I'd drop by because... basically... we have the same dad. [brothers embrace him]

Simone Hundin:
...and STOP calling me 'BUTT-EYE'!

Bodyguard 1:
[repeating the narration] Boss, I've got an uncomfortable fullness of the bladder

Ned:
MAURICE? And RALSTON? I'm glad dad got so fun & creative with naming after I left! Goodbye, Ned. Hello, Mecutio & Ribald!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
You have the same eyebrows as him!

Olive Snook:
They do! They do! I said that twice, once for each of you.

Ned:
Who were you gambling with?

Bao Ting:
I tell you that, and I'm a dead man!

Emerson Cod:
See, what we need now is a mirror.

Mei Ting:
I don't know why my mother hired you. My father's death was an accident.

Emerson Cod:
Your mother had a hunch. I could gold-leaf my bathroom with what made off my hunches.

Emerson Cod:
I'm sorry about your loss, both in the human and gastronomical sense.

Emerson Cod:
You think just 'cause you dead, you ain't gonna tell us what you was up to, but you are so wrong.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I mean, everyone needs family.

Ned:
You're my family. [to Olive] And you, to a slightly lesser degree.

Olive Snook:
Thanks, to a slightly lesser degree.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Hi, Emerson! Isn't this exciting? [she gets out and he locks her out of the car] Hey!

Emerson Cod:
What's she doing here?

Ned:
Said she didn't climb out of her coffin for me to keep her in a box.

Emerson Cod:
She the boss of you?

Ned:
I'm the boss of me!

Emerson Cod:
Dead girl's gotta go.

Ned:
Dead girl's not going anywhere.

Emerson Cod:
You don't know nothin about her except she had soft lips when she was ten!

Ned:
That should be enough.

Emerson Cod:
Well, I don't like it. [he gets out and Chuck gets in, locking him out] Hey!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
What did you guys talk about?

Ned:
I'd really like to get out of this car soon.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Is he upset you brought your childhood sweetheart back to life?

Ned:
He barely knows you're here

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Do I really have to sit in back from now on?

Ned:
It's for your own safety.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
You sound like my dad.

Ned:
If my hand brushes yours you'd be dead.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
He didn't say that.

Ned:
[locking the doors] So it's probably better if you stay in the car for these morgue visits. Someone might recognize you. You really can't come in [All three of them standing in the morgue office] Did I say "can" because I swallow my consonants sometimes "n't", "n't", "caN'T come in"

Emerson Cod:
[to Coroner] Got that hit and run?

Ned:
We're from the Government Safety Place?

Coroner:
Is that a question?

Ned:
Government Safety Place

Coroner:
Mmmm-hmmmmmm

Ned:
I hate secrets, too.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
What? You love secrets. You want to marry secrets and have little half-secret, half-human babies.

Narrator:
The Pie Maker considered what the sentence would be for breaking and entering with no prior convictions.

Ned:
[Emerson pulls out an ID card] Where'd you get that?

Emerson Cod:
Contacted the company that makes these doors under false pretenses. they gave me a sample ID badge, which I digitally altered using the magnetic code that matches the serial number of this machine. Is that cheating?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I dunno. Cause this? [pulls out an identical ID card] I gave the security guard a hug goodbye, my upper body distracted him, while these things I call "hands" took this off his belt.

Narrator:
At that moment, the Pie Maker felt a mixture of happiness and trepidation.

Ned:
Why is it always a mixture?

Olive Snook:
[referring to Ned and Chuck] Do they touch much?

Emerson Cod:
Wish they would.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
We haven't seen each other in like 20 years, don't you want to know about me? I want to know everything about you.

Ned:
Look, we've all done things we're not proud of, we all have secrets.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
What secrets?

Emerson Cod:
Skeletons in the closet.

Ned:
Exactly. How long have you been listening?

Emerson Cod:
There are *skeletons* in the *closet*.

Emerson Cod:
Dead people don't talk... usually.

[explaining the testing room to Japanese people]

Mark Chase:
We crash things in here. Boom desu ka!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Emerson thinks I'm useless. Am I useless?

Ned:
No, you're not useless. "Useless" is an empty soap dispenser in the restroom standing around reminding people what you could be doing, but doing nothing at all.

Olive Snook:
This isn't Pies "R" Us, Pie City, or Thousands of Pies in One Place. This is a bells-on-the-door, pies-baking, mom-n-pop place. We chit chat here. [waits a moment for Emerson to say something] Chit!

Emerson Cod:
[unenthusiastically] Chat?

Olive Snook:
You got it.

Narrator:
And Emerson Cod realized he would not be not knitting anytime soon, as the dead girl who was not dead appeared to be staying put... a fact the Pie Maker celebrated.

[while escaping from Mark Chase in the Dandy Lion SX]

Emerson Cod:
Can't this thing go any faster?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Some car of the future this is!

Ned:
I thought cars of the future were supposed to fly! What the hell happened to flying cars?

Ned:
Can you help us get out of these body bags?

Olive Snook:
Sure.

Olive Snook:
So what's the poop?

Emerson Cod:
"The poop"?

Olive Snook:
Poop. The scoop, the skinny, the haps, the dealio, the 411. PI lingo.

Emerson Cod:
Rhubarb.

Olive Snook:
What's that mean?

Emerson Cod:
PI secret code for "Get me a damn slice of rhubarb."

Emerson Cod:
[Ned has just re-animated Bernard] Ask the question.

Ned:
Mr. Slaybeck, do you...

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
[Interrupts] Do you have any last requests? Some unfinished business with this life we can help you with?

Emerson Cod:
[to Ned] Don't let her do this.

Bernard Slaybeck:
Is this heaven?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Could be.

Emerson Cod:
No, it's not.

Bernard Slaybeck:
[Looks at Emerson] Is that God?

Emerson Cod:
No, it's not.

Bernard Slaybeck:
I'm confused because I'm a Buddhist.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Buddhism's fascinating, isn't it? Did it help you in your final moments?

Emerson Cod:
She wasting my minute.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
What's with this minute and when did it become your minute?

Emerson Cod:
It sure the hell ain't yours.

Ned:
Hey, it's everyone's minute, or uh, twenty-two seconds.

Bernard Slaybeck:
[Interrupts their discussion] Can you get a message to Earth? Can you tell Jeanine in Promotions that I loved her?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Of course.

Ned:
Mr. Slaybeck, if you could remember anything about whoever was driving the hit-and-run vehicle that killed you, I think we could get you some justice.

Bernard Slaybeck:
What hit-and-run? I was killed by a crash test dummy. [Ned touches him and he falls back dead again]

Narrator:
One mile to the west, Emerson Cod was also not thrilled. During times of stress or anxiety, he liked to knit. Since the arrival of the dead girl who was not dead, he found the stockinette stitch relaxing.

Emerson Cod:
I'm not God, but if I was, I'd be an angry god.

Ned:
Oh, we gave it our best shot. So a crash test dummy killed Bernard.

Emerson Cod:
Bernard was delusional.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Still a clue.

Emerson Cod:
It's a dead end. And not the kind of dead end you can undead and then re-dead again. [pointedly to Chuck] Like you're supposed to.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
It's my fault?

Emerson Cod:
When you get all Jabberwocky in my minute, it's hard to follow up on "The dummy did it". Gotta get some real leads now.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Isn't that what a P.I.'s supposed to do? Investigate? Isn't that the fun part?

Emerson Cod:
The fun part's counting my money in the bubble bath

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
[Regarding Emerson] Is he upset you brought your childhood sweetheart back to life?

Ned:
He barely knows you're here.

Narrator:
In fact, Emerson Cod had finished knitting a sweater vest and two handgun cozies in the week since Chuck's return.

Narrator:
As Olive considered how much she loved Digby for paying attention to her when the pie-maker would not, Digby considered how much he loved salt.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
[after NED refuses to let CHUCK move back in] But, you promised me comforting. You're my "king-sized duvet of goose down goodness"!

Ned:
[regretfully] I know. Selfishly, I want to duvet you right this second.

Veronica Villanueva:
Joe was a frescort.

Dr. Eugene Halifax:
It's short for "friend/escort," basically a friend for hire. You pick from the catalog. They become anyone you want them to be.

Emerson Cod:
What's wrong with picking somebody the old-fashioned way - walking up to them and saying, "Hi, my name is Blah-Dee-Blah. Do you like bloo-dee-blooin'? Me too! Let's be friends"?

Calista Cod:
Randy's a nutjob's name.

Ned:
Randy's also a fun guy's name. You can grab a beer with Randy, grill a brat with Randy, pick up chicks with Randy.

Emerson Cod:
And help stuff them into Randy's freezer with Randy.

Buddy Amicus:
Someone call the police! Tell them there's a vindictive person with low self-esteem on the loose!

Randy Mann:
Well, there's nothing wrong with being alone, you know. Joe taught me that - called it "the first step". No good to somebody else unless you're good with being with just you.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
We let loose with everything we were feeling and thinking, and flogged our friendship to death with a great big truth club.

Olive Snook:
Ned hates Halloween, you know. Makes him moodier than a pumpkin full of PMS.

Mamma Jacobs:
My point was that, I have made peace with Johnny's death. It wasn't easy at first but knowing that it was an accident, and that you stayed single, and that all the rest of them are drunks, it made it a little easier.

Olive Snook:
How do you know I'm still single?

Mamma Jacobs:
Well, you wouldn't need all that bait if your belly were full of fish dear.

Vivian Charles:
Halloween is a busy time of year for us.

Lily Charles:
Some neighborhood children started rumors that we were witches. They said that we turn little boys into birds.

Ned:
That's terrible.

Parrot:
Rawk! Help me, help me. They turned me into a bird.

Vivian Charles:
Scares the woolies outta them.

Olive Snook:
John Joseph, you look gruh-ate!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
And you beat death! You're alive!

Olive Snook, Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Yay!

[Emerson hits Mamma Jacobs off her horse with a shovel]

Emerson Cod:
I love you, shovel.

Olive Snook:
[about Mamma Jacobs' house] Hansel and Gretel would've lived a lot longer if they had to find this dump.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Hansel and Gretel lived, by the way, once they tricked the witch into the oven, they stole her jewels, went home with their father, only to discover that their stepmother, who had sent them into the woods had died of evilness.

Emerson Cod:
You can't die of evilness.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Happens all the time you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.

Olive Snook:
Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.

Emerson Cod:
Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car.

Gordon McSmalls:
[singing drunkenly and off-key] And never brought to mind...

Ned:
Could you not sing?

Gordon McSmalls:
If I don't sing, I throw up.

Emerson Cod:
Sing.

[Chuck, wearing a white bedsheet with two holes for the eyes, goes up to her aunts' house and rings the doorbell]

Vivian Charles:
Is that clock right? It's two o'clock in the am!

Lily Charles:
I'll get my gun.

Vivian Charles:
And I'll get the candy bowl!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
So I guess you delivered some pies to my aunts.

Olive Snook:
Yeah, they're sweet. Probably would be a lot sweeter if they didn't think you were... murdered.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Did you tell them I was alive?

Olive Snook:
Kinda think that would make their little heads explode. What was that rhyme? [in a singsong tone] "I scream, you scream, we all scream 'cause you faked your death!"

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Where've you been?

Ned:
Not important.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
It's important to me. I missed you.

[Ned says ghosts don't exist]

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
How do you know there's not a ghost somewhere right now telling his ghost friend, "You don't really think there's a guy who can touch dead people back to life, do you?"

[about his father]

Ned:
He was emotionally stunted, afraid of getting close, definitely not the best at goodbyes...

Vivian Charles:
"Jackass" is as good a word as any.

Mamma Jacobs:
What did you say your name was? Brandon? Butch?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Chuck.

Mamma Jacobs:
Chuck! I knew it was something unladylike.

[Mamma Jacobs is after them and Chuck just fell]

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Run! Save yourself!

Olive Snook:
No, no! She's after me, not you. Tell Ned I love... his pies!

[Olive runs away to lure Mamma Jacobs her way to save Chuck]

Emerson Cod:
There's a legless skeleton of a horse in John Jacobs' tomb, and Olive knows you're dead.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
First of all, huh? And secondly, Olive thinks that I faked my death which is completely different to knowing that I'm dead.

Emerson Cod:
Yeah, different like purple and mauve.

Olive Snook:
Yesterday, a farrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.

Emerson Cod:
Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?

Olive Snook:
Not a furrier, a farrier. *Heir*.

Emerson Cod:
Fair-rier?

Olive Snook:
It's a blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.

Emerson Cod:
Don't try to act like that's a word everybody knows.

Olive Snook:
That's the most tragic story I've ever heard. Notwithstanding the big ticket items like genocide and famine, but tragic nonetheless.

Emerson Cod:
What did you compete about?

Olive Snook:
Promise you won't laugh?

Emerson Cod:
NO

Olive Snook:
I used to be a professional horse jockey.

Emerson Cod:
Hahahaha! [mimics riding a horse] Hahahaha!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
What if he changes when his blood sugar drops?

Olive Snook:
Like a hypoglycemic werewolf!

Emerson Cod:
You can't die of evilness.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Happens all the time you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.

Olive Snook:
Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.

Emerson Cod:
Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car

Olive Snook:
Tell Ned I love... his pies.

Ned:
Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It's a little too close for comfort.

Emerson Cod:
Oh, hang on a second, let me ask the money.

Emerson Cod:
[Pretends to talk on a phone] Hey, money. It's me, Emerson. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you ever though you were Olive's money first? Uh-huh...

Ned:
Wait...

Emerson Cod:
Yeah. Okay then. [Chuckles] Thanks.

Emerson Cod:
[Serious look] The money don't care. Touch him.

Emerson Cod:
Where've you been?

Olive Snook:
Not important.

Emerson Cod:
It's important to me. I missed you.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
So, does Ned know what you think you know?

Olive Snook:
Not yet.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Who does?

Olive Snook:
Who knows?

Emerson Cod:
Check, please. [Olive slams two bundles of dollars before him] Or cash. Cash is good.

Olive Snook:
I want to hire you. Technically, I already have, since you were so grabby with the cash.

Emerson Cod:
Think of it as an escrow - between my thighs.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
You go and do whatever private, secret, alone thing you need to go and do by yourself. Alone.

Olive Snook:
Maybe John Joseph faked his death, people do that all the time.

Emerson Cod:
No, they don't.

Olive Snook:
Yeah, they do. Sometimes they just, don't even try to cover it up. They just show up and ruin your life like no one's ever gonna figure it out. But then, you do figure it out 'cause you're not an idiot. Are you an idiot?

Emerson Cod:
No, because an idiot might misunderstand what you're saying and hit you with a shovel.

[Lily and Vivian are about to go on stage for the come-back performance of the Darling Mermaid Darlings. Lily has a sudden attack of stage fright]

Lily Charles:
I'll just sit here and try to concentrate on not throwing up.

Olive Snook:
Butterflies making you queasy? What say we drown them with a dip in the Vodka Fountain?

Lily Charles:
I *never* drink and dive.

[final line of the series]

Narrator:
At that moment, in the town of Coeur de Coeurs, events occurred that are not, were not, and should never be considered an ending. For endings, as it is known, are where we begin.

Emerson Cod:
In the third grade I did a report on great whites. Discovered we were a lot alike seein' as how we're both misunderstood badasses.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Lily, Vivian... I'm alive!

Emerson Cod:
I'm a solo guy by nature. But I choose to affiliate myself with the both of you. Reason being: it's because when you spend all your time chasing bad guys, you want the best of the good guys in your corner. You two, normally, are as solid as they come, because your moral compass is always pointed due... the right thing. But clearly, someone's been screwing with both of your magnetic fields.

Vivian Charles:
We small-boned persons are vulnerable to exoduses of the mass and panicked variety.

Emerson Cod:
Holy Ibiza, Monaco and Saint-Tropez. That is some banana hammock.

Jimmy Neptune:
Can you believe the claws on that sea monster?

Emerson Cod:
[not impressed by Ned's brothers' magic trick] Oooo! Where is that ass of a rat I could give?

Emerson Cod:
[calling after twins] Hey! don't you be goin' around chasin' murder suspects willy-nilly! Whatcha gon do? Use your wonder-twin powers?

Ned:
The Great Hermann will be avenged. I don't mean vigilante justice, because what kind of example would that be?

Ned:
It's all very confusing: there's murdered magic dads and promise of tasty pate with tuna sauce.

Emerson Cod:
What do you think you was sayin' in your head? Because that ain't what came out of yo mouth.

Emerson Cod:
...honey, you been spurned. And next to the spurned lover, the spurned employee rides shotgun on the Homicide Chuckwagon.

Gunther Pinker:
I eat glass, nails and regurgitate fish, frogs and mice. I'm working my way up to a kitten.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Regurgitating a kitten? That's a unique talent.

Vivian Charles:
...and you certainly took your time to come calling. Charles has been dead for twenty years.

Dwight Dixon:
I've been in prison for twenty-two.

Vivian Charles:
Emotional or federal?

Dwight Dixon:
I'm gonna say yes to both.

Emerson Cod:
[mocking Olive and Chuck] "A magic show"? Where did I put that rat's ass I could give?

Olive Snook:
He magically put those tickets in that pie.

Emerson Cod:
If by "magically," you mean "made you look that way so you wouldn't see what they were doing this way", then, yes, those tickets alakazammed their way right underneath that delicious flaky crust. [chuckles falsely, then suddenly serious and blas?] Or: hocus pulled the damn tickets out of his pocket, and pocus slid them under the pie pan, as evidenced by the cherry-rhubarb crumble on his sleeve.

Emerson Cod:
You can't just flash some jazz hands, and then - abracadabra - brotherly love.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
What do you got against a magic show? [exultantly] There's sequins, and drama, and the promise of bloodshed!

Maurice:
You're not invited if you're gonna heckle.

Emerson Cod:
But shazam

[reaches behind the back of the twin's head]

Emerson Cod:
I have a ticket.

The Great Herrmann:
I feel I should hug you. Can I give you a big hug? I'm already hugging, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Olive Snook:
I want a hug!

The Great Herrmann:
I'm not made of hugs.

The Great Herrmann:
And you... I sense you're a great investigator of things unsolved. Named after a poet and a fish...

Emerson Cod:
Uh-huh, I sense you better give me back my wallet 'fore I make my foot disappear up your...

Emerson Cod:
While we can appreciate and sympathize with your predicament, mister Herrmann...

The Great Herrmann:
Please, call me Great.

Emerson Cod:
No.

The Great Herrmann:
What do you tell a couple of kids you've never met that their dad, who you've never met, has just dropped them like they were hot? You can't sugarcoat that turd.

Ned:
No, not effectively. What did you tell them?

The Great Herrmann:
What they wanted to hear - that their dad was an important man with important-man matters to attend to. "Blah-blah-blah, please stop crying, blah!"

Gunther Pinker:
So what's our promise to each other?

Olive Snook:
Stay calm.

Gunther Pinker:
Which means?

Olive Snook:
No screaming?

Gunther Pinker:
You're wonderful! I can't wait to let you go.

Emerson Cod:
Hey, nerd, you need to get yourself a bigger human shield or something - you hanging out all sorts of places I could shoot. How about you just let wee lady wee go?

[referring to Chuck]

Olive:
Doesn't she look a lot like that dead girl?

Emerson Cod:
She looks *exactly* like that dead girl.

Olive:
You should take that as a compliment because she was pretty.

Ned:
Hey, I think somebody's truck's on fire.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I've been ruminating, and by "ruminating" I mean "pondering," not "chewing cud."

Ned:
I hate to be a bad host, but I'm sort of exhausted from chasing your coffin.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
You can't just touch somebody's life and be done with it!

Ned:
Yes, I can. That's how I roll.

Ned:
I asked you not to use the word "zombie". It's disrespectful. Stumbling around squawking for brains? That's not how they do. And "undead"? Nobody wants to be "un"-anything. Why begin a statement with a negative? It's like saying, "I don't disagree." Just say you agree.

Emerson Cod:
Are you comfortable with "living dead"?

Ned:
You're either living or you're dead. When you're living, you're alive. When you're dead, that's what you are. But when you're dead and then you're not, you're alive again. Can't we say "alive again"? Didn't that sound nice?

Emerson Cod:
Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.

Ned:
I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable types of deep sleep?

Emerson Cod:
What's the other one?

Ned:
Necrophiliac.

Emerson Cod:
Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.

Olive:
Me, too. I used to think masturbation meant chewing your food.

[awkward silence]

Olive:
I don't think that anymore.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I'd kiss you if it wouldn't kill me.

Ned:
This is pushing your luck.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Yeah, well, luck pushed me first.

Shiny Shoes Killer:
[looking at Chuck] Didn't I kill you?

[Ned touches the recently strangled-to-death Deedee Duffield and she comes back to life]

Deedee:
Hey, Charlotte!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Hey, Deedee.

Deedee:
Now, how'd I know you'd be the first person I'd see when I got to...? Is this...? Which one is this?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
This is neither. Well, maybe it's both, but, listen, this is the deal: you get to talk for, like, a minute, we're gonna catch up, and then you're not talking anymore.

Deedee:
Does everyone get to do this? 'Cause, girl, we gotta break it down.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Did you know I was gonna get killed?

Deedee:
I thought there might be the possibility, yes. I'm real sorry about that. I probably should've said something. But to be honest, and really, why not, at this point, if it were safe, I would've done it myself. God, this is fantastic! Being honest is fun!

Emerson Cod:
Ask her who killed her and you and what's with the monkeys.

Deedee:
Who are those people?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
That's Emerson, I don't really know him, and this is Ned. He was my first kiss.

Deedee:
[to Ned] Now, you're adorable. Look at your li - [touches Ned's cheek and becomes dead again]

Emerson Cod:
You couldn't have... scooted back a little?

Ned:
I didn't know she was gonna touch my cheek. Who does that?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Actually, she does that a lot.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
You said you wanted to know who killed me so that justice could be served. See, I don't think that "Justice" was on the menu. Maybe as a side dish, but not as an entr?e.

Ned:
It was most definitely an entr?e. It was a Special of the Day. Could we drop the metaphor?

[Olive sees Chuck in disguise come out of Ned's apartment and stares at her]

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I'm a friend of Ned's.

Olive:
Does he touch you?

Olive:
How was your convention?

Ned:
Conventional. How's Digby?

Olive:
A little neurotic. He's a very needy dog. Do you pet him? Maybe if you pet him every once in a while, he wouldn't be so neurotic.

Ned:
I pet him. I'm allergic, so I don't actually touch him, but I pet him.

Olive:
With a stick? How do you *pet* him?

Ned:
A stick is involved but it's more like a handle to a p-p-p-petting device.

Olive:
Your dog needs to be touched. [seductively] We *all* need to be touched.

Ned:
You touch him, other people have touched him.

Olive:
[moving Ned's hands to her shoulders] He's your dog. Do you, uh, touch anything?

Ned:
Of course. I touch lots of things.

Olive:
With affection? When was the last time someone touched you with affection?

Ned:
I get touched. Could you get Digby's leash now?

Olive:
Hmmmmmmmm...

Ned:
[to Digby] You don't mind that I don't touch you, do you?

[first lines]

Narrator:
At this very moment in the town of Couer d'Couers, young Ned was nine years, twenty-seven weeks, six days and three minutes old. His dog, Digby was three years, two weeks, six days, five hours, and nine minutes old... and not a minute older.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I can't even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around.

Ned:
I'm not a fan of the hug.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Then you haven't been hugged properly. It's like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.

Ned:
That's fine for someone else to do if I'm choking on something other than emotion, but you can't touch me.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
So a kiss is out of the question?

Ned:
I've lost my train of thought.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I suppose dying's as good an excuse as any to start living.

[regarding Chuck]

Emerson Cod:
Do you know this girl?

Ned:
I know of her.

Emerson Cod:
Know of her in the biblical sense?

Ned:
I haven't thought of her since I was ten.

Emerson Cod:
Think of her a lot when you were ten?

Ned:
I don't remember anything when I was ten.

Narrator:
The Pie Maker remembers everything.

Lily Charles:
[pointing a gun at the Shiny Shoes Killer, who attempted to strangle her] I can hold my breath for a long time.

Emerson Cod:
Well, who died instead?

Ned:
[shows Emerson the obituary of the funeral director] It's a random proximity thing.

Emerson Cod:
B*tch, *I* was in proximity!

Narrator:
Young Ned did not think of her as being born or hatched or conceived in any way. Chuck came ready-made from the Play-Doh Fun Factory of life.

Emerson Cod:
Been watching the news lately?

Ned:
Yeah. There doesn't seem like much going on in the world besides a dead girl on a boat.

Emerson Cod:
A lot going on with that dead girl.

Ned:
Is that so?

Emerson Cod:
Mmhmm. Fifty-thousand dollars worth of that's so. You interested in the conversation?

Ned:
I could be persuaded.

Emerson Cod:
Well you better be persuaded quick because the dead girl's about to go in the ground.

Ned:
They just pulled her out of the water.

Emerson Cod:
Jewish. Christians leave 'em layin around - Jews gotta get 'em buried.

Vivian:
Charlotte was a nice girl.

Lily:
With the exception of puberty

Vivian:
Which was unfortunately when Lily was going through a "change of life".

Lily:
Impolite to discuss a person's menopause in mixed company.

Vivian:
It nearly killed me.

Lily:
Horrible, the way Charlotte died - on a cruise. Last days spent surrounded by middle-aged overweight women who wear sweatshirts with things sewn to them.

Vivian:
Usually kittens made of felt.

Lily:
The food is perfectly atrocious - unless she enjoyed vomiting and diarrhea. I can't imagine she had a good last meal.

Emerson Cod:
Good last meal can go a long way. Our penal system makes a point of it.

Leo Gaswint:
[pointing to his missing jaw area] Do I have something right here?

Ned:
No, there's nothing right there.

Emerson Cod:
[about Leo Gaswint's "alleged" murderer, his dog, Cantaloupe] Cantaloupe was framed; someone put a part of the victim in her mouth.

Ned:
Huh.

Emerson Cod:
Hey, docile as a kitten, says the family.

Ned:
Despite it being a Chow, the breed most likely to turn on its owner?

Emerson Cod:
Hey, hey! That's racial profiling.

Emerson Cod:
You know what? We all have childhood issues, okay? Believe me, I got the full subscription, okay? Horror stories!

Ned:
[referring to Chuck] I kind of killed her dad when I was ten.

Emerson Cod:
Maybe not horror stories.

Ned:
You died for a pair of plaster monkeys?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Deedee said they weren't worth much, their only value was sentimental.

Emerson Cod:
Those must have been some emotional monkeys.

[about the deceased body of Leo Gaswint]

Emerson Cod:
How's he look?

Ned:
Fine, but my threshold's pretty high so you have to take that with a grain of salt.

Emerson Cod:
[looking at the body] That ain't a grain of salt. That's one of them blocks they give cows to lick.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Do you believe in reincarnation?

Emerson Cod:
Hell no. The planet's falling apart. Right now, it's the children's problem. We reincarnate, it's our problem.

Narrator:
As he stared at her, he reached around his back and held his own hand, pretending he was holding hers. And at that very moment, she was pretending to be holding his.

Ned:
[to Chuck] I just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it.

Emerson Cod:
Are you in love with her? 'Cause it's that level of stupid.

Olive Snook:
A dog needs to be touched. We all need to be touched.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I'll be so mad if you're lying. You'll have me scratching the drapes!

Ned:
I'm not lying. Please don't attack the window treatments.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
When were you going to tell me?

Ned:
In the morning or when it came up. Whichever didn't come first.

Olive Snook:
Our store is called The Pie Hole. As in shut your. Or in this case "Open your" because it's real good.

Ned:
I was being selfish. I love to tell myself I was unselfish, but I know deep down in my primal sweet spot I was being unselfish for selfish reasons.

Coroner:
You the dog expert?

Ned:
Uh-huh.

Coroner:
Already had a dog expert.

Ned:
I'm the, uh, other one.

Coroner:
Mm-hm.

Ned:
It's nice she had a little glimpse of the world before she died.

Lily:
Eh. The world isn't that great.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
[to Ned] I'd kiss you if it wouldn't kill me.

Emerson Cod:
The fact that he was a very, very bad man makes you feel better about what you did?

Ned:
Yes. Immensely. I would have felt horrible if it was... you, for example. [Emerson hits him]

Ned:
I'm not proud!

Emerson Cod:
You know, I'm glad you did it. Makes the worst thing I did seem insignificant.

Ned:
Listen to you, all judgey-judge.

Ned:
Just because there's a dead body it doesn't mean you get paid.

Emerson Cod:
Just because there is vodka in my freezer it doesn't mean I have to drink it. Wait, yes it does.

Ned:
It's raining dead birds!

Olive Snook:
I recently made the acquaintance with a pair of bird lovers, I'll consult them.

Narrator:
Olive was referring to Aunts Lily and Vivian.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Really? I used to know a pair of bird lovers!

Narrator:
Chuck also referred to Aunts Lily and Vivian.

Olive Snook:
Used to? Did they die?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Death was involved.

Olive Snook:
Hey, gang.

Ned:
Olive, what are you doing here?

Olive Snook:
Pie delivery. Tart apple, I believe.

Narrator:
And with those two words, Chuck could already see, her aunts were here.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Olive?

Olive Snook:
If you know what's good for you, and I think you do, you'll give me two minutes.

Emerson Cod:
Why?

Ned:
What for?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Okay.

Olive Snook:
Goody, then.

Elsita:
What the hell d'you want?

Lefty Lem:
I'm from the Papen County Historical Society. I'm here to photograph your windmill for our annual calendar.

Elsita:
Where's yer camera?

Lefty Lem:
It's in the car.

Elsita:
Yer lyin'. But I'm bored.

Emerson Cod:
[whilst arresting a one-armed man] Hand up!

Emerson Cod:
What is the rate of exchange on the life of a bird, because if it's greater than or equal to mine I need to get back to my car.

Lefty Lem:
Elsa?

Elsita:
I'm Elsita. Jackson?

Lefty Lem:
I'm Lem.

Elsita:
Elsa was my mama.

Lefty Lem:
Jackson was my prison bunkmate.

Vivian Charles:
Is "bunkmate" a euphemism for -

Lefty Lem:
Not in this case, ma'am.

[the curator passes out, and Emerson refers to a conversation he had with Ned in the "Pie-lette"]

Emerson Cod:
*That's* a narcoleptic. Necrophiliac's the *other* one.

Ned:
Yeah.

Ned:
The plane was hijacked!

Becky:
How'd you come by that?

Ned:
DNA... ish.

Coroner:
[to Emerson] May I have a word with you? Why are you bothering this poor woman? You and that white boy got some kind of shifty going on? I don't know what, but you're shifty.

Jackson Lucas:
[after being revived] I can't see anything! Am I blind?

Ned:
Good news is you're not blind. Bad news is you're dead.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Makes blind seem like a walk in the park, doesn't it?

Olive Snook:
I'm sure it's just the mailman. Or a windmill-to-windmill salesman.

Elsita:
Oh no, you didn't use bows to tie me up, did you? You take a hostage like you tie your sneakers.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
It's amazing how a familiar smell can wrap you in it's arms and coddle away any ugly memories between now and the last time you smelt it.

Emerson Cod:
What exactly where you porting when your boss had a close encounter with his light fixture?

Olive Snook:
Uh, and what type of duty are you in again? Clergy? Tax services?

Lily Charles:
Dwight collects and appraises antiques, which I learned right after he told me he's dating my sister.

Vivian Charles:
Lily is naturally suspicious of new liaisons, but I felt compelled to come clean about our relationship. Sneaking around is for politicians in bathroom stalls.

Dwight Dixon:
Not for a brisk and bucolic autumn-come-winter afternoon on the park.

Lily Charles:
Look at the way he drapes himself all over her. Makes me wanna stick a fork in my eye. I need a drink.

Olive Snook:
You're holding one.

Lily Charles:
I need a stronger one. And a fork.

Emerson Cod:
Mind if we have a gander at your phone list?

Tam Phong:
What phone list?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
The one you just slid into that folder.

Tam Phong:
What folder?

Emerson Cod:
There's a comfort in knowing that telemarketers are just as horrible in real life...

Tam Phong:
Shift change!

Daniel Hill:
I'm gonna find that malfeas-ass and slam him down!

Emerson Cod:
Inside voice.

Daniel Hill:
I'm not talking about the gavel of justice.

Ned:
Outside voice.

Daniel Hill:
I'm talking about southern-style back-alley score-settling doled out by me and a couple of homeless!...

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Conversational patio voice?

Olive Snook:
[speaks with a foreign accent] I believe I have the right to a net worth greater than most developing countries without being hounded by sponging ne'er-do-wells and sanctimonious bleeding hearts like yourself. So, unless you stop calling, I will take a tiny fraction of my immense wealth, buy this building, knock it down, and turn it into a glue factory so big, the whole city will be smelling horse.

Tam Phong:
If you please leave your number, I'll see to it that nobody calls you again. Psych.

Olive Snook:
Did you say "psyyyych"?

Tam Phong:
No.

Olive Snook:
Good! Because I'm getting on a hovercraft bound for Saint-Tropez early this evening, and I expect it to be dealt with before I return tomorrow. Here is my card.

[throws carelessly and hits Fong's shoulder]

Rob Wright:
[breaks into the storeroom] Fear not, madam!... [Chuck immediately throws a box at him, hitting the groin]

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
To be fair, I should tell you that I have a gun in my pocket.

Rob Wright:
To be fair, I don't really believe you.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
To be even more fair, all I have to do is scream, and a whole cadre of big strong men and sweet middle-aged ladies with shotguns will come running.

Rob Wright:
I am no killer, merely a soldier of fortune... Other people's fortunes.

Rob Wright:
I'll thank you to keep your sidearm holstered, sir. Lest I be forced to lunge.

Olive Snook:
Don't make me cut a b*tch!

Ned:
We're not lost. We're following the yellow, thick hose.

Narrator:
Anxious to sniff out more information, our heroes sought out Napoleon LeNez, scratch-'n-sniff author, in his suite above the city and immediately found themselves in an alarming situation.

Napoleon LeNez:
Do not be alarmed by the situation.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
You've got to loosen up!

Ned:
I don't do loose. I prefer tightly wound. Not shapeless with extra room for surprises.

Olive Snook:
It's from the Pie Hole from across the street, as in Shut your. But one sweet whiff and people usually want to open their...

Olive Snook:
No, no. Five fingers. Five toes. Us Snooks are boring that way. I had a cousin with a third nipple. He'd let you see it for a dollar.

Vivian Charles:
How fascinating.

Lily Charles:
And a bargain, too.

Olive Snook:
Look carefully, ladies; this is your future.

Lily Charles:
Is it vodka?

Olive Snook:
Water.

Lily Charles:
As in Russian for vodka?

Emerson Cod:
LeNez, look: we're here about that scratch 'n sniff. Your book was a bomb...

Napoleon LeNez:
Who are you to criticize my life's work?

Emerson Cod:
Your book... was a bomb... it exploded.

Anchorwoman:
Here with us now is an eyewitness to Oscar Vibenius' attempt on your life earlier today. Sir, tell us what you saw.

Emerson Cod:
Good evening, Carol. Let me preface my statement by saying that my name is Emerson Cod, I'm a private investigator: if you need to reach me, my telephone number is Klondike 5-0-1-5-5. I've been investigating the Anita Gray murder. She was taken much too soon...

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
[watching the interview on TV] Get a load of Muggy McHambone.

Olive Snook:
Hocking his wares... He just gave out his phone number on national television.

Ned:
Everything we do is a choice. Oatmeal or cereal, highway or sidestreets, kiss her or keep her. We make choices, and we live with consequences. If someone gets hurt along the way, we ask for forgiveness, it's the best anyone can do.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
You stole that off my dead body? [shuts the casket]

Ned:
Uh, it's stuck.

Emerson Cod:
Oh, you BETTER be playing!

Ned:
Twenty-nine seconds.

Emerson Cod:
Oh, HELL NO! [runs out]

Olive Snook:
This is a pie-house, not some sort of herbal crack den.

Alfredo Aldarisio:
Espresso? Please?

Olive Snook:
We have coffee.

Alfredo Aldarisio:
You have an espresso machine.

Olive Snook:
It's broken. Sits there being pretty, but nobody touches it. Decaf or regular?

Alfredo Aldarisio:
No flavors? Hazelnut? French vanilla?

Olive Snook:
Why can't sugar be enough?

Ned:
I was incapacitated by not being able to think.

Olive Snook:
Do you want to be a delivery boy, or a delivery man?

Delivery Boy:
Boy. You be the man.

Olive Snook:
But it's my day off! And I'm a girl!

Olive Snook:
S.O.S... oh S. Oh S!

Emerson Cod:
That was the Truth Bus.

Olive Snook:
That wasn't the Truth Bus. That was the Bitchy Crosstown Express.

Alfredo:
Might I make an observation?

Olive Snook:
Compliment or criticism?

Alfredo:
A neutral thought I would say. It's not a compliment nor critical.

Olive Snook:
Neutral thought, gives me pause!

Alfredo:
Neutral for this portion of the conversation but I do have a complimentary observation as part of a follow-up discussion, which I intend to headline with an offer to repair your espresso machine.

Olive Snook:
What's your neutral thought?

Alfredo:
You seem decidedly unhappy.

Olive Snook:
I haven't decided that!

Alfredo:
No anxieties? Neuroses? Pathologies?

Olive Snook:
Garden variety. What are you beating at?

Alfredo:
I'm beating at happiness. I've beaten it into submission and bottled it for convenience. It's homeopathic.

Olive Snook:
Meaning it deeply relates to gay people.

Alfredo:
Gay only in that they are bright, they are happy!

[during a sword fight]

Wilfred Woodruff:
You should know that I was thrice named ultimate sword master at the Southern Area Regional Volunteer Infantry Reenactment Regiment!

Ned:
I wanted to be a Jedi.

[about Charlotte Charles, who she just found out was not dead]

Olive Snook:
I could smell trouble on her like she stepped in it and it stuck to her heel.

Olive Snook:
Someone has made you the happy recipients of a pie from The Pie Hole. As in "shut your." Or, in this case, "open your," because it's really good!

Vivian Charles:
[thoughtful] Pie Hole... I like it, it's provocative.

Vivian Charles:
Pies for breakfast always remind me of mother.

Lily Charles:
Vermouth always reminds me of mother.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Pooh! Kick, Pooh, kick! [Emerson kicks]

Ned:
You framed someone for murder, you ass!

Narrator:
The expression "pie in the sky" / Entered popular culture in 1911. / It refers to a desert so sweet, / It could only be found in heaven. / If you're craving something / Before you die, / I recommend where / The Pie Maker makes his pies. / But if you're like Chuck, / You may enjoy the pie / Even after you die. / Her sixty seconds came and went, / She stayed alive / And instead, / Someone else had to die. / He kept Chuck blissfully / Unaware of this fact. / She was alive again, / That was that.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
You won't even know I'm here.

Emerson Cod:
'Cause you're leaving?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
No.

Narrator:
At that very moment Chuck saw the Pie Maker, perhaps not as he really was, but as he would always appear to her: her Prince Charming.

Ned:
Louis Schatz is a big fat liar. And I say "fat" in reference to his size as a liar, not as a judgment of his physical appearance.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Which birthday do I celebrate? I've got two of them now: The first day I was alive or the first day I was alive again.

Ned:
The one that requires less explanation.

Alfredo:
It's homeopathic.

Olive Snook:
Meaning it only relates to gay people?

[Ned accidentally resurrects an old man]

Elderly Man:
What part of "do not resuscitate" do you not understand?

Olive Snook:
Someone has made you the recipients of a pie from 'The Pie Hole'... as in "shut your", or in this case, "open your" because it's real good.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
[Emerson is stuck, trying to get in through a small window] Are you stuck?

Emerson Cod:
No.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Yes, you are. You're like Winnie the Pooh. Give me your paws, Pooh.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Remember, mind over matter makes Pooh unfatter.

Emerson Cod:
I might be stuck, but I can still reach my gun.

Olive Snook:
Musing on the idea of setting someone on fire doesn't mean you REALLY want to set them on fire, it's just the thought of it that makes you happy. But only for a second, then you feel bad, but that second could be a lot of fun!

Emerson Cod:
Shut the a capella up!

Emerson Cod:
Well we foe, fo' sho'.

Olive Snook:
Does she toot glitter?

Emerson Cod:
You need to tap that.

Ned:
This is Chuck's chance at having a family again. I can't... 'tap' that.

Emerson Cod:
Make it look like an accident. Trip over an ottoman. Dick Van Dyke that ass.

Charles Charles:
Besides, I HATE chocolate.

Ned:
How can you hate chocolate? Everybody at least tolerates it.

Emerson Cod:
Who are you?

Willie Gherkin:
Willie Gherkin, Smiley Realty.

Emerson Cod:
Uh... you lost your smile, Pickle.

Emerson Cod:
[to Olive Snook] Itty-bitty, you got me to love a rainy day again.

Emerson Cod:
Well, hate to be a b*tch, but ain't no way in the world I'm taking this case.

Olive Snook:
You think Merle McQuoddy murdered Nora?

Emerson Cod:
Merle McQuoddy's ship returned minus a few oars, making it a very easy leap from captain to killer. Nothing this kid had to say makes me think otherwise. Plus, I don't work in the rain.

Ned:
Clearly, you don't hate being a b*tch that much.

Augustus Papen:
With her husband lost at sea, Nora couldn't afford the lighthouse upkeep. I used my family influence to declare it a protected historic monument. I appointed Nora the lighthouse steward and the McQuoddys its guardian until the family line dies out, or the sun swallows the earth in a solar flare, killing us all.

Augustus Papen:
Such a depressing word, "diorama"... It has "die" in it... I like "rama"...

Emerson Cod:
Oh look at that. A dumb idea just found a friend.

Emerson Cod:
Allow me to put this to you delicately. You see, men are dogs! They come, you know, sniffing around, barking up your tree, but if they don't see a kitty cat up in that tree, pretty soon they just stop barking.

Olive Snook:
This gives me pause.

Vivian Charles:
A manicure might help.

Hedda Lillihammer:
Although ve don't vish to look a gift whore in the mouth, Mr. Cod, vhy vould you tell us everything you know?

Olive Snook:
I wouldn't turncoat on you. I was working deep cover to dismantle this operation from the inside out. I know they have dirt on you but I don't know what they did to make you look so dirty.

Ned:
I got myself dirty.

Olive Snook:
Well, allow me to soap up those hard to reach places.

Vivian Charles:
Mr. Cod, I'm here against my better judgment considering the callous braggadocio with which you previously gave me the heave-ho.

Emerson Cod:
Well, if I did do any ho-heavin' it was for your own good. There's a time for callous braggadocio and a time for sensitivity. To the Norwegians, that time is never.

Vivian Charles:
I suppose it's a holdover from their Viking ancestry. It would be difficult to rape and pillage with the subtlety of a humanist.

Emerson Cod:
Listen, we're all professionals, people. This doesn't have to get ugly.

Nils Nilsen:
Your shirt suggests otherwise.

Narrator:
Using the Gumshoe skills that made him great, the number one detective in Papen County took the fight to his opponent. His plan was this: asses the true nature of the threat. [Emerson spies on the Norwegians] Two, find and exploit their weaknesses. And three... [Emerson spots Olive with the Norwegians]

Olive Snook:
Shut your mouth. I can't believe you think my former friends are up to no good too.

Narrator:
Oh hell no.

Olive Snook:
I'm still mad, so ignore my caring tone, but why are we hiding?

Nils Nilsen:
You and Dwight hobnobbed in the same circles!

Emerson Cod:
The hell I did. We didn't nob no hobs. And certainly not in no damn circle.

Olive Snook:
Did he die of natural causes?

Ned:
[in unison with Chuck] Yes.

Olive Snook:
Are either of you referring to "murder" as a natural cause?

Ned:
We are officially non-referential starting now.

Olive Snook:
Then they beat me with a blue-and-yellow sock as they got high on ABBA and tiny little meatballs.

Magnus Olsdatter:
[in unison with Nils] Swedes.

Olive Snook:
Whatidy-what-what?

Olive Snook:
I'll be in the kitchen rationalizing my panic attack.

Ned:
Maybe bull fighting is the wrong comparison, but it's hard making these things work.

Olive Snook:
You're telling me these things are hard to make work? I know that because you taught me!

Olive Snook:
Oh, my God... I'm that girl. I'm that girl in high school who's afraid of real relationships, so she's always attracted to guys in college. Or Canada. Or you!

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
How can you not tell me that you had a daughter? We have buried bodies together!

Olive Snook:
See, soon I'll be the one lost in some distracty thought, not caring, while you prattle on about your relationship problems.

Mr. Abner:
Plastics division had an overflow, but it was only the chemicals we use to make things glow in the dark, which are near identical to pure drinking water.

Mr. Booker:
Pure drinking water with chemicals in it.

Roy 'Buster' Bustamante:
What do we always say about the past?

Olive Snook:
It makes an ass out of you and me.

Emerson Cod:
Little Pee Wee bother to mention she told Papa #1 and Papa #2 that your man ain't your man, he's hers?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
No, she didn't.

Emerson Cod:
Loanin' pie-boyfriend to your besty, who's in love with him, to pull the wool over fake-papas' peepers is the kinda idea that gives a bad idea the will to live.

Ned:
I'm Superman, I've got a finger faster than a speeding bullet. C'mon, who can I touch?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Ned, you're touching dead things again?

Ned:
Ah, no more pretending to be normal. The best way I can help anyone is by being a pie-making dead-waker. Pretending to be someone I'm not is a recipe for disaster. So I say yes to super and no to normal.

Ned:
Now that I'm out of dead-waking and back to just pie-baking and no longer touching dead fruit, I can eat my own pie. I'm gonna get fat, aren't I?

Olive Snook:
Oh, no, I'm slipping, I can't hold on much longer! If there's anything you'd like to say to me, now would be the time! And if you could speak in the declarative only, using affirmative or comparative modifiers...

Emerson Cod:
Ambulance sirens blaring and I've got my chasing shoes on.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
Are you sure you don't want to untie those apron strings and lace up those chasing laces?

Ned:
My apron is staying on, with its strings securely tied in a double figure-eight follow-through knot.

Ned:
Who wants to be Superman? Not me. I say no to "Super", and yes to "Man". I'm Clark Kent.

Emerson Cod:
Well, that's just downright crap-tastic, Clark.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
What about me?

Emerson Cod:
No conversation I ever wanna have begins with those three words.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles:
I may not be Superman, but I'm smart and I'm helpful. I mean, maybe I could be your sidekick. I'd be the Alive-Again Avenger who came back from the dead to solve her own murder, and stayed back from the dead to bring justice to murder victims everywhere, with the help of a crusty unflappable streetwise gumshoe.

Emerson Cod:
That would make me the sidekick.

Emerson Cod:
A woman still in the holiday spirit, guzzles too many spirits, does a Gene Kelly round the rosy, slips, bonks her noggin, ends up in the fountain.

Randy Mann:
Miss Olive, I meant no offense by that "ho". The intent was to be jolly, not derogatory.

Ned:
Olive, who are these guys?

Olive Snook:
Who are any of us, really?

Ned:
Did you guys just get out?

Jerry Holmes:
Just.

Randy Mann:
Escaped! The word that's supposed to follow that "just" is "escaped".

Roy 'Buster' Bustamante:
Hop up on your guy's lap there, okay? My jingles gotta have some room to jangle.

Emerson Cod:
How long you think she's been dead?

Coroner:
Oh, I'd say about 50 dollars.

Vivian Charles:
The news of your engagement has restored in me a faith that true love exists for people who deserve it.

Olive Snook:
That's so depressing...

Olive Snook:
Listen up! Because I'm only gonna say this once. First and foremost, I'm sorry. Both for what I'm about to tell you and the hysteria with which I'm about to tell it, which is in no way directed at any of you, nor is it related to a female issue of any kind!