Shrek 2

Prince Charming:
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her- gasp!

Wolf:
What?

Prince Charming:
Princess... Fiona?

Wolf:
NO!

Prince Charming:
Oh, thank heavens! Where is she?

Wolf:
She's on her honeymoon.

Prince Charming:
Honeymoon? With whom?

Shrek:
The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey? That's where we're going! FAR! FAR!... away.

Puss-in-Boots:
I hate Mondays.

The Ugly Stepsister:
Why the long face?

Donkey:
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.

Puss-in-Boots:
Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.

Shrek:
Join the club. We got jackets.

Donkey:
I'm coming Elizabeth!

Captain of the Guards:
Yep, that's catnip...

Puss-in-Boots:
Um... that's... not mine...

Puss-in-Boots:
Hey, boss. Let's shave him.

Donkey:
I don't *feel* any different. Do I look any different?

Puss-in-Boots:
You still look like an ass to me!

Pinocchio:
I'm a real boy!

Gingerbread Man:
It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!

Shrek:
So, Fiona's father paid you to do this?

Puss-in-Boots:
Oh, the rich king? Sí.

Puss-in-Boots:
Whatever happens... I must not... cry.

Princess Fiona:
Is that glitter on your lips?

Prince Charming:
Yes, cherry flavored. Want a taste?

Donkey:
You're supposed to say "You have the right to remain silent!". No one said I have the right to remain silent!

Shrek:
Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack, is the capacity.

Shrek:
How many cats can wear boots? Honestly?...

Fairy Godmother:
I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted! And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate...

Queen:
So, you live in a swamp? That sounds like a fine place to raise the children.

Shrek:
It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?

King:
Indeed! I had just started eating.

Puss-in-Boots:
Pray for mercy from Puss... in boots.

Donkey:
Pray for mercy, from Puss!

Puss-in-Boots:
And Donkey!

Puss-in-Boots:
Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta?

King:
So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be...

Shrek:
Ogres! Yes!

Queen:
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?

King:
Oh, no, no. Of course not! That's assuming you don't eat your own young.

Princess Fiona:
Dad!

Shrek:
Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who have been locked away in the tower.

Princess Fiona:
Shrek, please!

King:
I only did that because I love her!

Shrek:
Oh, yeah! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle!

Gingerbread Man:
Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We got a big order to fill.

Puss-in-Boots:
Ah-ha-ha!...

Puss-in-Boots:
He he... Hairball.

Donkey:
Oh, that is nasty!

Puss-in-Boots:
I must hold on before I too go mad.

Pinocchio:
Shrek? Donkey?

Puss-in-Boots:
Too late.

Donkey:
Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "Piñata! Piñata!" What the hell is a piñata, anyway?

Donkey:
I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway?

The Ugly Stepsister:
Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels.

Puss-in-Boots:
Hmmm... he sounds dreamy.

Cedric:
Can I help you, your majesty?

King:
Ah, yes, um... Mmm, exquisite. What do you call this dish?

Cedric:
That would be the dog's breakfast, your majesty.

King:
Ah, yes! Very good, uh... Carry on, Cedric.

Gingerbread Man:
IT'S ALIVE!

Shrek:
Aww, look at him, in his wee lil' boots!

Donkey:
Let's neuter him right now! Give him the Bob Barker treatment!

Shrek:
Oh, look! A little cat.

Donkey:
Look out, Shrek, he got a piece!

Donkey:
Oh, don't feel bad, Shrek. Almost everybody who meets you wants to kill you.

Shrek:
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.

Pig:
I see London, I see France...

Puss-in-Boots:
Fear me, if you dare.

Puss-in-Boots:
Sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.

Donkey:
It's the old Keebler place!

Queen:
Oh, stop being such a drama king!

Shrek:
We are definitly not in the swamp anymore.

Donkey:
Oh, Mexican food! My favorite.

Shrek:
Do you still know the Muffin Man?

Fairy Godmother:
Harold, you have forced me to do something I really don't want to do.

King:
What... Where are we?

Fast Food Clerk:
Well, hi there! Welcome to Medieval Friar. May I take your order?

Fairy Godmother:
My diet is ruined. I hope you're happy!

Donkey:
Shrek and I drank this potion and now... we're sexy!

Shrek:
Working hard? Or hardly working?

Donkey:
I'm a stallion, baby!

Fairy Godmother:
Your fallen tears have called to me, so here comes my sweet remedy. I know what every princess needs for her to live life happily. With... just a wave of my magic wand your troubles will soon be gone. With a flick of the wrist in just a flash, you land a prince with a ton of cash, A high priced dress made by mice no less! Some crystal glass pumps and almost dressed! Worries will vanish your soul will cleanse Confide in your very own furniture friends We'll help you set a new fashion trend! I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great! The kind of gal a prince would date They'll write your name on the bathroom wall MALE VOICE: For happy ever after- give Fiona a call! A sporty carriage to ride in style. A sexy man-boy chauffer Kyle. Vanish your blemishes, tooth decay... celulite thighs will fade away A hool and a hey! Have a Bichon Frise And oh, what the hey... have a Bichon Frise! Nip and tuck here and there, to land that prince with the perfect hair. Lipstick liners, shadow blush! to get that prince with a sexy tush. Lucky day, hunk buffet For the lipstick a roll in the hay You can spoon on the moon with the prince to this tune Don't be drab, you'll be fab Your prince will have rock-hard abs Cheese souflee Valentine's Day? Have some chicken fricassee - chorus

Donkey:
I don't wanna die...! I don't wanna DIE! Oh sweet sister mother of mercy... I'm melting...! I'm MEEELTIIING!

Shrek:
It's just the rain, Donkey.

Puss-in-Boots:
Today, I repay my debt...

Puss-in-Boots:
En garde!

Shrek:
I'll kill that cat!

Fairy Godmother:
Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away...

Donkey:
Real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!"

Donkey:
It's gonna be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on.

Donkey:
You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.

Gingerbread Man:
I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears! Flip over to Wheel of Torture.

Pinocchio:
I'm not flipping anywhere, Sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona.

Donkey:
Don't you worry, I will always be here to make sure no one bothers you.

Shrek:
Donkey.

Donkey:
Yes, roomy?

Shrek:
You're bothering me.

Donkey:
Royal ball? Can I come?

Shrek:
We're not going.

Fiona and Donkey:
What?

Shrek:
I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?

Fiona:
Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too.

Shrek:
Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.

Fiona:
Stop it. They're not like that.

Shrek:
How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

Donkey:
Are we there yet?

Shrek:
No.

Donkey:
Are we there yet?

Fiona:
Not yet.

Donkey:
Okay. Are we there yet?

Fiona:
No.

Donkey:
Are we there yet?

Shrek:
No!

Donkey:
Are we there YET?

Shrek:
Yes.

Donkey:
Really?

Shrek:
NO!

Donkey:
Are we there yet?!

Fiona:
No!

Donkey:
Are we there YET?!

Shrek:
No, we are not!

Donkey:
ARE WE THERE YET?!?!

Shrek and Fiona:
NO!!!!!!

[Pause]

Donkey:
Are we there yet?

Shrek:
[mimicking Donkey] Are we there yet?

Donkey:
Hey, that's not funny.

Shrek:
Hey, that's not funny.

Donkey:
Oh, that's really immature!

Shrek:
Oh, that's really immature!

Donkey:
See, this is why nobody likes ogres!

Shrek:
See, this is why nobody likes ogres!

Donkey:
All right, your loss!

Shrek:
All right, your loss.

Donkey:
I'm just gonna stop talking!

Shrek:
Finally!

Donkey:
But this is takin' forever, Shrek, and ain't no in-flight movie or nothin'!

Shrek:
The kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far... (softly) away.

Donkey:
All right, all right. I get it! I'm just so darn bored!

Shrek:
Well, find a way to entertain yourself.

[silence]

[Donkey pops his lips, then again, and Shrek grows more impatient, then Donkey pops his lips a third time]

Shrek:
[restrains temper] Oh! For five minutes... could you not be yourself? [loudly] FOR FIVE MINUTES!!!

[after another moment of silence, Donkey pops his lips one last time]

Shrek:
AAAARGH!!!!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!

Fiona:
Yes!

Donkey:
Oh, finally!

Fiona:
[lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation] Oh! Excuse me.

Shrek:
Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona?

Harold:
Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?

Charming:
[irritated] Oh, about 5 minutes ago, actually. [Raised tone] After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower– [cut off by his mother]

Fairy Godmother:
Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [to King Harold, using the same hostile tone Charming used earlier] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find?! Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!

Donkey:
[after just being snuck up on by Puss In Boots, who steps on his hoof] Owww! You little hairy little licking sack of...

[tear lands onto card]

Fairy Godmother:
["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing] Is it on?, Is it on? [clears throat] What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!

[bubble pops]

Shrek:
Quick, tell a lie!

Pinocchio:
What should I say?

Donkey:
Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!"

Pinocchio:
I'm wearing ladies underwear.

[silence]

Shrek:
Are you?

Pinocchio:
I most certainly am not!

[nose extends]

Donkey:
It looks like you most certainly am are!

Pinocchio:
I am not!

[nose extends]

Puss:
What kind?

Gingy:
It's a thong!

Shrek:
Fiona? Fiona? [barges into the room along with Donkey]

[The Fairy Godmother gasps at Shrek]

Donkey:
Oh, you got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.

Fiona:
Oh, um, Fairy Godmother, furniture, I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek.

Fairy Godmother:
[confused] Your husband? What did you say? When did this happen?

Fiona:
Shrek is the one who rescued me.

Fairy Godmother:
[angrily] But that can't be right!

Shrek:
Oh, great! More relatives!

Fiona:
She's just trying to help.

Shrek:
Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving.

Fiona:
What?!

Donkey:
Leaving? I don't wanna leave.

Fiona:
When did you decide this?

Shrek:
[as he is packing] Shortly after arriving.

Fiona:
[remorsefully] Look, I'm sorry...

Fairy Godmother:
No, no, no, that's okay. I need to go anyway. But remember, dear, if you should ever need me, [whips out a "Happiness" business card] happiness is just a teardrop away.

Shrek:
[rudely snatches the "Happiness" card from the Fairy Godmother] Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy...

Fairy Godmother:
So I see. [laughs in a not so good way] Let's go, Kyle. [Kyle whips the horses on the carriage and he and the Fairy Godmother leaves]

Fiona:
[sarcastically] Very nice, Shrek.

Shrek:
What? I told you that comin' here was a bad idea.

Fiona:
You could have at least tried to get along with my father.

Shrek:
You know, somehow, I don't think I was going to get daddy's blessing, even if I did want it.

Fiona:
[as a bichon Frise starts barks] Well, do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted?

Shrek:
Sure. Do you want me to pack for you?!

Fiona:
You're unbelievable! You're behavin' like a... [sighs]

Shrek:
[to Fiona] Go on, say it!

Fiona:
Like an OGRE!

Shrek:
Well, here's a newsflash for you! Whether your parents like it or not, I AM AN OGRE! [a bichon Frise continues barks, Shrek angrily roars at it to shut up]

Donkey:
Wow. So this is ward to something smells like onions.

Shrek:
And guess what, princess. That's not about to change.

Fiona:
[sadly walks to the door] I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. [leaves]

Donkey:
That's real smooth, Shrek. [mimics Shrek] "I'm an ogre! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!"

Harold:
I knew this would happen!

Lillian:
You should. You started it.

Harold:
I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean, really, he's the ogre, not me.

Lillian:
I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice.

Harold:
Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her! I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... this... thing?

Lillian:
Fiona does, and she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. [Harold sighs]

Puss:
[after attacking Shrek] Now, ye ogre! Pray for mercy from... [slashes "P" on the tree] Puss...in Boots!

Shrek:
[Growls in rage] I'll kill that cat!

Puss:
Ah-ha-ha! [He drops the sword, then starts heaving for a second, confusing Shrek and Donkey. Then spits out the hairball and coughs] [chuckles] Hairball.

Donkey:
Oh, that is nasty.

Shrek:
[picks up Puss by the back of the neck] What do you reckon we should do with him?

Donkey:
I say we take the sword and neuter him right here. Give him the Bob Barker treatment!

Puss:
[frightened] Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers-

Shrek:
[covers his Puss' mouth with his Shrek's finger] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this?

Puss:
The rich king? Sí. [Shrek drops Puss to the ground, Puss screeches]

Shrek:
[sighs] Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing.

Donkey:
Oh, come on, Shrek, don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.

Shrek:
[sits on the rock] Gee, thanks. [looks down at the river reflection and sighs] Maybe Fiona would have been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.

Puss:
Sí, that's what the king said. [Donkey gives him a dirty look] Oh, uh...sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.

Donkey:
[walks over to Shrek] Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her.

Shrek:
Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just...I just wish I could make her happy. [pauses out] Hold the phone... [pulls out Fairy Godmother's business card] "Happiness." [flips it over] "A tear drop away." Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.

Donkey:
Oh, man, where do I begin? Well first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and start beatin' me with a stick going, "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?!

Shrek:
No, Donkey, I need you to cry!

Donkey:
Yeah, well don't go projecting on me! I know you're feelin' bad, but you gotta let your own- [Puss angrily stomps on his hoof] OWWWW!!!!!! [whimpers and tears] You little hairy litter-licking sack of...

[Donkey's tear sheds and Shrek lets it fall onto the card. A bubble is conjured, and Fairy Godmother appears in it]

Fairy Godmother:
["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing] What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears her throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After! [Bubble pops]

Donkey:
Ohhh.

Shrek:
Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?

Donkey:
That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! [singing] Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo! We're on the move!

Puss:
Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.

Shrek:
Join the club. We've got jackets.

Puss:
On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine.

Donkey:
I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek! [sees Shrek walking to Puss] Shrek? [slight pauses out; Shrek looks down at Puss, who gives him a cute, helpless look. Shrek smiles] Shrek?!

Shrek:
Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let's keep him!

Donkey:
Say what?!?! [Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness. Donkey groans in frustration]

Shrek:
Aw, listen. He’s purring!

Donkey:
Oh, so now it's cute!

Shrek:
Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up.

Donkey:
Lighten up?! Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who's telling who to lighten up!

[Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive at the Fairy Godmother's potion factory]

Shrek:
Hi. I'm here to see...

Jerome:
The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry, she is not in.

Fairy Godmother:
[from the gramophone intercom] Jerome, coffee and a monte christo. Now!

Jerome:
[sighs] Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. [to Shrek] Look, she's not seeing any client today, okay?

Shrek:
That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.

Jerome:
The union?

Shrek:
We represent the workers in all magical industries both evil and benign.

Jerome:
Oh, oh, right.

Shrek:
Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?

Jerome:
Uh... [turns the gramophone intercom away from him] A little. W-We don't even have dental.

Shrek:
[whispers to Donkey] They don't even have dental. [to Jerome] Okay, we're just gonna have a look around. Oh, by the way, I think it would better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Know what I'm saying? Huh?

Donkey:
Hmm?

Shrek:
Huh?

Donkey:
Huh, huh, huh?!

Shrek:
Stop it.

Jerome:
Of course. Go right in.

Shrek:
Hurry! [Puss pulls the blue potion] Nice catch, Donkey.

Puss:
Finally! A good use of your mouth.

[more potions drop, the siren sounds and the door begins to close]

Shrek:
C'mon!

[after escaping Fairy Godmother's potion factory]

Shrek:
[reading the potion bottle] "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. "If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. "Happiness, comfort and beauty divine."

Donkey:
[confused] You both will be fine?

Shrek:
I guess it means it'll affect Fiona too. [opens the potion bottle]

Donkey:
Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. So why don't you just drop that jug o' voodoo, and let’s get out of here.

Shrek:
It says "beauty divine". How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes]

Donkey:
A-ha! See, You're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!

Puss:
Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you.

Donkey:
Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there’ll be any animal testing, I’ll do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle. [Donkey snatches the potion bottle from Shrek's hands with his mouth, which starts drinking it, but Shrek snatches it back from Donkey.]

Shrek:
How do you feel?

Donkey:
I don't feel any different. Do I look any different?

Puss:
You still look like an ass to me.

Shrek:
Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. Well, here's to us, Fiona.

Donkey:
Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back.

Shrek:
I know.

Donkey:
No more wallowing in the mud?

Shrek:
I know.

Donkey:
No more itchy butt crack?

Shrek:
I know!

Donkey:
But you love being an ogre!

Shrek:
I know! [sighs] But I love Fiona more.

[Shrek starts chugging the potion]

Donkey:
Shrek, no! Wait! [Shrek swallows the potion, then feels his stomach gurglin'. Donkey and Puss hides behind the rock, then Shrek farts.] Got to be… I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion.

Puss:
Maybe is a dud.

Shrek:
Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be.

[Dark storm clouds come above Shrek, Donkey and Puss]

Donkey:
Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die! [rain starts pouring, soaking the trio and getting them wet] Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy!? I'm melting! I'M MELTING!!

Shrek:
It's just the rain, Donkey. [Donkey chuckles, they head to a barn for some shade. The blue ooze from Shrek's sneeze reaction on the mushroom transforms into a rose.]

[after Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrived at the barn for shelter]

Donkey:
Oh, don’t worry. Things seem bad because it’s dark and rainy and Fiona’s father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. [Puss hisses] lt’ll be better in the morning. You'll see. [sings, then gets dizzy] The sun’ll come out… Tomorrow... Bet your bottom...

Shrek:
Bet my bottom?

Donkey:
I'm comin', Elizabeth! [faints]

Shrek:
Donkey? A-Are you all right?

Puss:
Hey, boss. Let's shave him.

Shrek:
[gets dizzy] D-Donkey. [groans and faints, Puss yowls offscreen]

Shrek:
It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place.

Puss:
I hate Mondays.

Harold:
Fairy Godmother. Charming.

Fairy Godmother:
Ugh, you'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold.

Harold:
Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming.

Charming:
Umm, FYI, not my fault.

Fairy Godmother:
No, no, of course it's not, dear.

Charming:
I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre?

Harold:
No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?

Fairy Godmother and Charming:
[In unison, shocked] What?!

Harold:
I mean, you can't force someone to fall in love!

Fairy Godmother:
Oh I beg to differ. I do it all the time. [pulls out the Love Potion vial and hands it to Harold, and he takes it] Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.

Harold:
Umm, no.

Fairy Godmother:
What did you say?

Harold:
[stutters] I...I...I can't. I...I won't do it.

Fairy Godmother:
Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. [sticks her wand in his face] Is that what you want? Is it?

Harold:
No.

Fairy Godmother:
[puts down her wand] Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. Y'know he's all high in the front, he can never get to the back. You always need someone to do the back of your hair.

Charming:
Oh. Thank you, mother.

Donkey:
[from outside the window, shocked] Mother?! [Fairy Godmother, Charming and Harold turn their heads fast to see Shrek, Donkey and Puss outside the window, hearing everything]

Shrek:
Um, Mary! A talkin' horse!

Fairy Godmother:
[enraged] THE OGRE! [Shrek, Donkey, and Puss ride away from the Poison Apple, she flies after them and tells the knights get them] STOP THEM!! THIEVES!! BANDITS!! STOP THEM!!!

Captain:
Catnip...

Puss:
That's, uh, not mine...

Mongo:
[drowns] Be good.

[Shrek and Donkey barged into the ball to rescue Fiona]

Shrek:
[to Charming] Hey, you! Back away from my wife!

Fiona:
[puzzled] Shrek?

Fairy Godmother:
You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone!

Shrek:
[to the pigs] Now!

Pigs:
[starts the battle] Pigs and blanket!

Fairy Godmother:
Harold! You supposed to give her the potion!

Harold:
Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea.

[The clock strucks midnight]

Puss:
Boss! The Happily Ever After potion!

Shrek:
Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever?

Fiona:
What?

Shrek:
Because if you kiss me now… we can stay like this.

Fiona:
You'd do that? For me?

Shrek:
Yes.

Fiona:
I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after… [Shrek starts to lean a little closer to kiss her but she puts her hand on his mouth] With the ogre I married.

Puss:
Whatever happens, I must not cry. You cannot make me cry. [starts to sob]

[last lines; post credits]

Donkey:
[singing] All by myself, Don't wanna be all by myself... anymore

Puss:
[enters with two ladies] Amigo. We are off to the Kit Kat club. Come on, join us.

Donkey:
Thanks, compadre. I’m… I’m not in the mood.

Puss:
We will cheer you up! Find you a nice burro!

[A roar is heard]

Donkey:
[delighted] Hey, baby!

[The Dragon from the first film flies in the scene.]

Donkey:
Hey, that’s my girl! Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been? [Dragon cries] I’m sorry, too. I should’ve stayed. But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about? Are you serious?

[A baby dronkey flies in.]

Dronkey:
Papa!

[One fire breathes which Donkey avoids, screams while seeing the baby dronkeys flying into him to hug. Donkey laughs.]

Donkey:
Look at our little mutant babies! [The Dragon blows a pink heart-shaped smoke. Cut to black.] I got to get a job.