Stargate: Atlantis

Maj. John Sheppard:
[after being chased by an alien drone] That was different.

General Jack O'Neill USAF:
For me... not so much.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
How come I never make friends like that?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You need to get out more.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
We're in another galaxy. How much more out can you get?

[Dr. McKay is wearing an Ancient personal force field generator]

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[Smug] I shot him.

[Dr. Weir gives him "the look"]

Maj. John Sheppard:
In the leg!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm invulnerable!

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[Smug] In-vul-nerable!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
He fainted.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh there's gotta be a better word.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Faint is a proper medical term.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I passed out from... manly hunger!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Using power... using power... using power.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Without inertial dampening, we'd be hit by so many g's, our eyes would pop, our skin would pull away from our faces, our brains would squish up to the back our skulls, and our internal organs would be crushed into these chairs. What about that sandwich?

Maj. John Sheppard:
There's plenty of time to solve this thing, but you got to stop using your mouth and start using your brain!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm sorry. It's just... I react to certain doom in a certain way. It's a bad habit.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
[a parasite has attached itself to Sheppard's neck, paralyzing him] I'm told you have something of a cling-on.

Maj. John Sheppard:
That's funny.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I built an atomic bomb for my grade six science fair exhibit.

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
They let you do that up in Canada?

Maj. John Sheppard:
[the sensors have discovered a powerful energy field] You think it's worth checking out?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilization.

Maj. John Sheppard:
So... you think it's worth checking out?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[sarcastically] I'm sorry. Yes. Energy field good.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
We're heading towards a food shortage.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[Mouth full] I know, it's getting desperate. I'm almost out of coffee.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Well, maybe you should stop drinking eleven cups a day.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm just making sure I'm getting my fair share before it's all gone.

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
Sounds fair.

Cowen:
[during negotiations] We will need more than you offer.

Maj. John Sheppard:
More?

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
I don't think you understand how cool this medicine is.

Cowen:
Please, stay as our guests. There will be a harvest ceremony later.

Teyla Emmagan:
Wonderful.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Ford?

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
Sir?

Maj. John Sheppard:
We're talking harvest ceremony.

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
[pause] Sounds like fun, sir.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Have you ever tried to clear a stump by hand?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Yes, it's a hobby.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You have no idea which way to go, do you?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Just trying to get my bearings.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Translation: "I'm lost. "

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[the team is trying to come up with a solution to a problem while being very short on time] You're right. If only we had a magical tool that could slow down time. I foolishly left mine on Earth - did you bring yours?

Dr. Zelenka:
You know, you're not pleasant when you're like this, McKay.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm always like this.

Dr. Zelenka:
My point exactly.

Commander Acastus Kolya:
You killed two of my men!

Maj. John Sheppard:
I guess we're even!

Commander Acastus Kolya:
I don't like 'even'!

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
The city can handle that?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes. Theoretically.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Like "dinosaurs turned into birds" theoretically or "theory of relativity" theoretically?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[looks confused] What? Um, somewhere between.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
How were you able to bypass the shield?

Commander Acastus Kolya:
With the time-tested combination of strong drink and weak minds.

Commander Acastus Kolya:
My name is Commander Kolya.

Maj. John Sheppard:
"Kolya", that's a difficult name to pronounce. Is that a first name or a last name?

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
It's huge.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Define huge.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Fifteen million square miles. Give or take.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That would make it approximately the size of, uh... I have no idea, but it sounds huge.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Are you telling me to shut up again?

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
Again.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm picking up a strange reading from right over there.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Define strange.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[pause] You don't know what strange means?

[the team need to disable the grounding stations around the city]

Maj. John Sheppard:
Wait a second, are these things even close to a transporter?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Uh... yes. Elizabeth's is.

Maj. John Sheppard:
And mine?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's a brisk walk away.

Maj. John Sheppard:
And by "brisk" you mean "far"?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[nods] And by "walk" I mean "run".

Maj. John Sheppard:
[to Ronon Dex, who is struggling to escape his bonds] Take it easy, Chewie - you're gonna cut your damned hands off.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
There's no sign of any settlements - at least, nothing recent.

Ronon Dex:
[pointing] Other than the smoke from that campfire.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Ah. Yes, well, other than that.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[while being shot at] You know, this is not a good way to make new friends!

Marin:
The island is a penal colony. The prisoners usually don't cause much trouble, as long as you don't try to land there.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, you could put up a sign!

Magistrate:
Where do you come from?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Until recently, uh, Atlantis.

Magistrate:
The ancestral city.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Yeah. Unfortunately it was destroyed by the Wraith a short time ago.

Magistrate:
How tragic.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[deadpan] Yeah, we're pretty broken up about it.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[the team is discussing a society that places criminals next to the stargate so they will be culled first as a form of capital punishment] I prefer lethal injection, although I do have a fondness for the electric chair. Call me romantic.

Teyla Emmagan:
Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Certain countries, yes.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Do we need to get into this right now?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Seriously, am I the only one creeped out by that guy?

Maj. John Sheppard:
They're politicians, Rodney - they're all creepy.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Margaret Thatcher wasn't creepy. OK - well, maybe a little. In fact, she was like an aunt of mine - same hairstyle, facial structure, only my aunt was much taller, and remarkably hirsute. Oddest thing: she had to shave twice a day.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I think I chipped a tooth. Did I chip a tooth? Am I bleeding? Because I am at high risk of enterocarditis.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Hi, folks. I hope I didn't crash-land on anybody.

Teyla Emmagan:
What do you want from us?

Torrell:
Well, we've already got your weapons. Now I do believe we'll take your ship. You see, we have been planning a little trip to the mainland, but after seeing you fly that thing through the Ancestral Ring...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
If you're referring to the ship you just shot down, the one that doesn't stand a hope in hell of ever flying again...

Torrell:
The ship that you're gonna fix, yes.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What am I, MacGyver? Fix it with what?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Well, leave it to convicts to know the best way to tie people up.

Ronon Dex:
Well, eventually I will get free and when I do, he's gonna pay for this.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Now listen to me. When you get free, you get us free and we all get out of here. Let 'em find out we're gone after we're gone.

Ronon Dex:
You're expecting me to let them get away with this?

Maj. John Sheppard:
The operative words are "get away".

Ronon Dex:
After I kill them.

Maj. John Sheppard:
That type of thinking will get us killed.

Ronon Dex:
Well, if you had returned fire...

Maj. John Sheppard:
The weapons systems were damaged.

Ronon Dex:
If you say so.

Maj. John Sheppard:
I do say so, and right now I'm saying knock it off.

Ronon Dex:
Is that an order, Sheppard?

Maj. John Sheppard:
I am beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to. But if you need it to be, yeah - it's an order.

Ronon Dex:
Okay.

Torrell:
Well, I could kill you. But you strike me as the type of man who, despite being weak and cowardly on the outside, harbours a strength of character he doesn't even know he has.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm sorry - was there a compliment in there?

Torrell:
See, the way to motivate a man like you, Mr McKay, is not to threaten your life; it's to threaten the lives of your friends. That's right. Fix the ship, otherwise they start dying, one after another, 'til you change your mind, or until they're all dead. I don't care.

Eldon:
The technology on this ship is far more advanced than the Olesians'.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
How ironic, then, to have been shot down by the cast of "Braveheart."

Maj. John Sheppard:
How's it coming, Rodney?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[seeing a security escort of only two marines] Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. What is this? This is my security escort?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Well, we are spread a little bit thin right now.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
OK. [to the marines] You need to know that if we come under fire, you're gonna have to put your lives on the line to protect me.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Rodney!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
OK, I mean the Zed-PM. You need to protect the Zed-PM at all costs... and me.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[facing a wraith guard] So! This is how it's gonna be, huh? Just me?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[seeing another Wraith guard come up] OK! That's just fine!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[he draws his pistol and points it at them, grinning in bravado]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You want some of this, huh? Huh?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[as he goes to fire his pistol, he presses the wrong part of the gun and the magazine ejects and drops to the floor]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, thank God! You were the only... I thought I was gonna...

Teyla Emmagan:
I thought you were very brave.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Really?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[over comms] Rodney, we need a shield up in forty seconds or we're dead!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What, are you kidding me?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
No!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
'Cause I can't help but thinking we're reaching the point at which I completely snap.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Rodney!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That should do it! Fire it up.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
That didn't do it.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What?

Teyla Emmagan:
It is not working.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I know what she said!

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Twenty seconds!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
OK, snap! That's it! You all happy now?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Rodney - you can take the rest of the day off.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[lies down onto the floor on his back with his eyes closed and his hands folded on his chest] Oh. I am gonna curl up in bed with the largest sandwich I can find.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
We still have no idea how it works, but during the Wraith feeding process, the victim is injected with a special enzyme. It strengthens the human body temporarily and ensures that the heart continues to beat.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Why would they wanna make you stronger?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
So the victim doesn't die immediately. The feeding process is so traumatic, without the special enzyme, we shut down far sooner than they like.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
They make you stronger so they can take more time to kill you.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Lovely, isn't it?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Look, the first siege of Atlantis lasted for years. I mean, with only one functioning Zed P.M, we can't expect to hold on that long.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
Can we submerge the city again?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[sighs] It's a city, not a yo-yo.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, let me see - we've got slow death, quick death, painful death, cold, lonely death.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
How much time do you need?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, well...

Dr. Zelenka:
...a week...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
...a couple of hours.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
I'll take the second estimate. Go.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You're referring to the ship you just shot down! One that doesn't stand a hope in hell of ever flying again.

Torrell:
The ship that you're gonna fix, yes.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What am I, MacGyver? Fix it with what?

[Sheppard and McKay have gotten lost finding their way back to the Genii's village]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
They were very clear which route to take.

Maj. John Sheppard:
I prefer a straight line...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes, of course, cause everything's a short cut in Sheppard's world.

Maj. John Sheppard:
"Get as far away from the nuclear explosion as possible." That's good advice, Rodney, thanks.

[Sheppard is giving McKay flying lessons, and they get into an argument]

Maj. John Sheppard:
This is why parents get someone else to teach their kids how to drive.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm both insulted and touched by that.

Colonel Marshall Sumner USMC:
Go... to... hell!

Female Wraith:
Earth first!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm sorry, medicine is about as much of a science as... oh, I don't know, voodoo?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
[sighs] We believe ATA or Ancient Technology Activation is caused by a single gene that's always on. Instructing various cells in the body to produce a series of proteins and enzymes [McKay is staring at syringe] that interact with the skin, the nervous system and the brain. In this case we're using a mouse retrovirus to deliver the missing gene to your cells.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[Looking worried] A mouse retrovirus?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
It's been deactivated.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, are there any side effects?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Dry mouth, headache, the irresistible urge to run in a small wheel...

Dr. Kavanagh:
I happily left the SGC because I had had it up to here with the military running things, and you just busted me like a private.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Don't be so dramatic. Besides, the Air Force doesn't even have privates.

Dr. Kavanagh:
Neither do I. You just cut them off. Right in front of my research team.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
That's what this is about? You're embarrassed?

Dr. Kavanagh:
Well, humiliated would be a little more accurate.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
I haven't worked up to humiliation yet.

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
[looking at Wraith called Steve] You know, he looks kinda peaceful...

Carson Beckett M. D.:
[outraged about having to take its blood] Peaceful? You're out of your bloody mind!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
So... just to confirm, we're all still... definitely not dead.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, assuming that we're still alive, and there doesn't appear to be any damage as a result of the pulse, I think we can safely conclude that, uh... um... [long pause] I got nothing. I mean I've got nothing to conclude, I was just... talking for the sake of talking.

Maj. John Sheppard:
You sure you're ok?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You know how much I hate certain death?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
All I know is that she's not who she's pretending to be.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
And you know this because...?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What, I'm not allowed to have intuition?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
You? No.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Let's not be too quick to exclude the possibility that the woman might be, uh... what is the clinical term? "nuts"?

Maj. John Sheppard:
[the team is looking for signs of the Wraith] Rodney?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I've got something here.

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
Really?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I dunno. I got a little... [trails off while walking away]

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
You've got a little what? [grinning] Hey, McKay, you've got a little what? [Sheppard looks at him] What?

[Sheppard gives him a dirty look and follows McKay]

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
Oh, it's okay when you guys make fun of me.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
What do I say?

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
[looks up from camera] I dunno... how about "Wish you were here" ?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
[looking around, turns on Ford] I wish who was here?

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
I dunno. Who do you wish was here?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
No-one! I wish I wasn't bloody here!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
...well if I've learned one thing, Mum, it's that we Earthlings are ver...

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
Doc! You can't say that!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
What?

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
Earthlings. It's compromising security!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
She knows I'm from Earth, son! It's not a bloody secret!

[about McKay]

Daniel Jackson, Ph. D.:
He's Canadian.

General Jack O'Neill USAF:
I'm sorry.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Did I mention that I know almost everything about almost everything?

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC:
How could something as big as Atlantis just sink?

Maj. John Sheppard:
I'm sure the passengers on the Titanic were asking themselves the same thing.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
You were right.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Lovely... About what?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Your theory of the Wraith evolving after the Ancients arrived in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You've got to be kidding me.

Dr. Zelenka:
Pay up!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm not sure I can fix this.

Dr. Peter Grodin:
You can fix anything.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Who told you that?

Dr. Peter Grodin:
You did. On several occasions.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[when the Daedalus becomes infected with a computer virus] Oh, crap!

Hermiod:
What did you do?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I ran it through a translation program, the virus is Wraith.

Hermiod:
Crap, indeed.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
95% of deadly is still deadly!

Maj. Lorne:
Wow - you must really be some kind of genius!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, as a matter of fact, I, um... wait a minute. See, why would you say that now?

Maj. Lorne:
Something has to have kept Colonel Sheppard from shooting you all this time!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, yeah, like I didn't see that one coming, huh?

[Teyla, Sheppard, Dex, McKay and the prisoner Eldon approach their grounded puddle jumper and some prisoners waiting to ambush them in the episode "Condemned"]

Maj. John Sheppard:
At least we've got the element of surprise.

Ronon Dex:
I was beginning to think you were afraid to fight.

Maj. John Sheppard:
I'm just naturally lazy, but I will if I have to - and it's starting to look like we have to.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[Elizabeth is chastising Rodney in the background] You destroyed three-quarters of a solar system!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Five-sixths, but it's not an exact science.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[Sheppard and soldiers beam down from Deadelus] Secure Stargate Operations.

[looks around the Gate room]

Maj. John Sheppard:
Well, I'm home.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[John turns to see Elizabeth approaching. Suddenly she hugs him for several moments then releases him looking relieved] Yes. You are. I truly thought...

Maj. John Sheppard:
Yeah, yeah. I thought the same thing about you a minute ago. We gotta stop that.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[chuckles] I'd like that.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[sounding flustered] So, uh, where are we?

Col. Steven Caldwell:
[referring to Sheppard] You two are pretty close, aren't you?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Well, we've been through a lot together. Yes.

Commander Acastus Kolya:
[over radio] Major Sheppard, how's this for credibility? Weir's dead.

Maj. John Sheppard:
I am going to kill you.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[over radio] Weir's alive?

Commander Acastus Kolya:
Dr. McKay was able to make a convincing argument for keeping her around.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Let me talk to her!

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Sheppard! We're both here.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[relieved] It's good to hear your voice.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Yeah. It's good to hear.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[referring to Wraith bite] So, how am I doing? [not getting a response] Anything that's got you speechless has me worried.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
You're going to be fine.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Well, that's "dead man" talk.

Maj. John Sheppard:
"You're going to be fine"? "Beckett'll figure this out"? You really suck at the whole "bedside manner" thing.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
I know. I'm sorry.

Maj. John Sheppard:
But I appreciate the effort.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[handing over item wrapped in cloth] Happy birthday.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[opens gift] It's beautiful. How'd you find out?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Mum's the word.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[to Caldwell about Sheppard] You making sweeping changes to how Sheppard ran things only hours after assuming the position sends only one message; that he's not coming back!

[Sheppard and McKay whisper while spying on a Wraith in disguise]

Maj. John Sheppard:
That's her!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That's the Wraith?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Yeah.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Wow... She's hot! I mean seriously hot!

Maj. John Sheppard:
Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I know, I... disgust myself sometimes.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You see, the thing is, Col. Sheppard and I have sorta gotten into this habit of saving each others' lives and it's my turn.

[pause]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It can be your turn next.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
[over radio] Dr. McKay, What's your status?

Teyla Emmagan:
Dr. McKay is... not here.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
What?

Teyla Emmagan:
He had to...

Ronon Dex:
He had to check something on the Wraith pod.

Teyla Emmagan:
Yes, the Wraith pod. He had to check the... biometrics receiver, needed to reconfirm the frequencies of the normal feedback loop.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
Why isn't he on his radio?

Teyla Emmagan:
Well, actually we have been having trouble reaching him ourselves. I think it may have something to do with... interference from the um... magnetic shielding of the pods.

Ronon Dex:
[sardonically] Yeah, shielding.

Teyla Emmagan:
Ronon was just about to check on him, see what is taking him so long.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
All right go get him, light a fire under him.

Teyla Emmagan:
Right away.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
And I want a status report as soon as his radio is working. Caldwell out.

Ronon Dex:
[to Teyla] Nice stalling.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... Yes, with a woman!

Ronon Dex:
[after Sheppard shows him some of the guns used on the base] I still prefer this.

[Ronon draws his own gun and blasts a large hole through one of the targets]

Maj. John Sheppard:
[surprised] I can see why you would.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[whispering] I don't think they've detected us.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[whispering too] Why are you whispering?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[still whispering] I dunno. It just seems like the right thing to do.

Maj. John Sheppard:
This is what I do when I have problems with my laptop, I turn it off and then I... turn it on again.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
I think this is a little bit more complicated than that.

Maj. John Sheppard:
I'm just saying that if we're taking a page from the John Sheppard book of computer repair, we're really desperate.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
Are there any personnel on board who have the technical skills to do this?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Anybody. That's what you get for assembling a team of brilliant scientists.

Maj. John Sheppard:
You know, Rodney, you were great back there. Wanna take the stick?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Really?

Maj. John Sheppard:
No.

[after being beamed aboard form the maximum limit of the beaming technology]

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Are you all right?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Two arms, ten fingers... I'll check the rest later.

Maj. Lorne:
[about radiation exposure] Dr. Parrish said a day or two of exposure wasn't going to kill us.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, yeah, and Dr. Parrish has a PhD in what? That's right, botany!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
So exactly what kind of special training do you guys have to go through to get this sort of mission?

Maj. Lorne:
"You guys"?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, you know - 'Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines. It's a great place to start'.

Maj. Lorne:
And by this mission you mean hunting down a skilled weapons expert hopped up on Wraith drugs, in the pitch black of an alien planet?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes.

Maj. Lorne:
Actually, I skipped that course in Major school.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I was afraid of that.

Maj. Lorne:
I was hoping Lt. Ford would recognize a friendly face and turn himself in.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You mean me?

Maj. Lorne:
Well, you were friends, weren't you?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh yeah, when we weren't out on harrowing missions, we used to hang out together. I'd share my dreams of self-sustaining fusion, he would talk about how you could sever a man's torso with a P-90.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[about radiation exposure] As it is, I may have to forgo reproducing.

Maj. Lorne:
Yeah, that's funny, I was just thinking that might be wise.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[worried about the UV radiation on P3M-736] Have you seen my complexion?

Teyla Emmagan:
Yes.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes, it's very fair. Extremely fair... This isn't fair.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
You think once the initial shock is over, we'll have the old Rodney back?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
I'm afraid so.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm not crazy. I just have another consciousness in my brain.

Maj. John Sheppard:
So he just looks crazy.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm sure I do, but only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid over here was in way over his head!

[about an adolescent Wraith]

Maj. John Sheppard:
So it's a teenage things. Pimples, rebellion, life sucking.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Something like that.

Zaddik:
Are you interested in science?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm not sure that's what I would call this, but yes.

[McKay buttons up his collar while entering the cave with the Iratus bugs]

Carson Beckett M. D.:
You don't seriously think that's gonna help?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
When they see your neck before they see mine, you won't think it's stupid.

[several minutes later, Beckett lifts up his collar before trying to harvest the eggs]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
See! Not so stupid!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Ah, shut up.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Maybe we should make a diversion.

Maj. Lorne:
Are you volunteering?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'll shut up.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[after injecting himself with Wraith enzyme and beating up two guards] And that's what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!

Maj. John Sheppard:
Just out of political curiosity, how much trouble is it gonna cause you if I knock this Woolsey guy in the head?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
May I ask why you'd like to do that?

Maj. John Sheppard:
It's just an impulse, really, one I suspect I'm gonna have again next time I see him. He may not even have to say anything.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
I've never seen you like this. What did Woolsey say to you?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Besides judging every damned decision you've ever made?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[amused] John Sheppard, are you defending my honor?

Maj. John Sheppard:
[pauses] And judging me for agreeing with you.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Well, don't be too hard on him. I think of all the circling wolves, he's the least likely to actually bite. In fact, he might even convince the others to leave us alone.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[sits down, more calmly] All right, so, no head knocking.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[smiling slightly] It's the thought that counts.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Carson?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
How are you doing?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Oh, just peachy, thanks. You?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
I'm sorry to put you in this position, but you're the only one besides Colonel Sheppard and General O'Neill who've actually fired a drone from that chair.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Ironically, they're the two people I nearly killed when I did that.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[responding to Rodney's watered-down explanation of the city's power situation] You dumb this down any more, you're gonna get hit.

Wraith Scientist:
Without your help, this damage may have been irreparable.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Ah, finally an alien race that appreciates me!

[last lines]

Wraith Scientist:
I see you have awakened.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Really? I was sort of hoping this was just a nightmare.

Ronon Dex:
Why aren't we dead?

Wraith Scientist:
The Queen wants you to live long enough to witness the fruits of your labour. If it wasn't for you, Doctor McKay, we would never have been able to get there.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What are you talking about? Get where?

Wraith Scientist:
Earth.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Getting this ship up and running in under a month is a miracle.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Do we start the beatification now or later?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Rodney, if the hive opens up on us, I want Orion's drones.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Which means we're gonna need the hyperdrive to get in position.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Which means we'll need shields, which means you want everything!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I like everything. Can we do it or not?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, don't get up. Shields... yes. Jump to position... mmmmaybe. Release the drones... probably not.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, it's pointless to get in position if we can't fire.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Y'know, let's talk about it for a really long time. That'll help for sure.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Huh, some pretty interesting stuff, eh? I think I've learned more about Wraith technology in the last hour than I have in the past two years. [Hermoid ignores McKay] Oh come on, I understand you're an Asgard and everything, but even you've gotta feel a bit of an adrenaline buzz.

Hermiod:
My body does not possess the adrenal gland that produces epinephrine in your system. And even if I did, I would not be as easily impressed.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I get it, I get it. You think you're smarter than I am.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How's it coming?

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
It's phenomenal. It's like being handed a Wraith encyclopedia. It's hard to know where to start.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
When I was a kid and I got my first encyclopaedia, I started with the letter S.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Yes, well, I'm sure that Wraith sexuality is interesting.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You see, the thing is, Col. Sheppard and I have sorta gotten into this habit of saving each others' lives and it's my turn.

[pause]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to Teyla and Ronon] It can be your turn next.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
[over radio] Dr. McKay, What's your status?

Teyla Emmagan:
Dr. McKay is... not here.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
What?

Teyla Emmagan:
He had to...

Ronon Dex:
He had to check something on the Wraith pod.

Teyla Emmagan:
Yes, the Wraith pod. He had to check the... biometrics receiver, needed to reconfirm the frequencies of the normal feedback loop.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
Why isn't he on his radio?

Teyla Emmagan:
Well, actually we have been having trouble reaching him ourselves. I think it may have something to do with... interference from the um... magnetic shielding of the pods.

Ronon Dex:
[sardonically] Yeah, shielding.

Teyla Emmagan:
Ronon was just about to check on him, see what is taking him so long.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
Alright go get him, light a fire under him.

Teyla Emmagan:
Right away.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
And I want a status report as soon as his radio is working. Caldwell out.

Ronon Dex:
[to Teyla] Nice stalling.

Teyla Emmagan:
Rodney, between the two of you, if something were to go wrong, which would be the greater loss?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, I've never thought of it that way but... She's right. You should go. [Sheppard glares]

Colonel Steven Caldwell:
[Colonels of both earth ships beam into the control room of atlantis. To Ellis] Colonel.

Colonel Abe Ellis:
[to Caldwell] Colonel.

Colonel Steven Caldwell:
[to Samantha] Colonel.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[to both] Colonels.

Colonel Abe Ellis:
[to Sheppard] Colonel.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[to both] Colonels.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What, seriously?

Todd the Wraith:
[talking about replicators] they are a very complex and ingenious design.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
yeah well. I thought I was ingenious-er. [looks at Todd] Yes I know it's not a word, Mr... helpful

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[repeating Rodney] A, Superdense... blob. That's your great idea.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Did I ever tell you about the time I once got a damaged Ancient hyperdrive system online moments before me and my crew were incinerated by a supervolcano?

Todd the Wraith:
Yes, you have.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, there you go. See? I work best under pressure.

Todd the Wraith:
Then perhaps I should threaten to feed on you if you do not complete the coding in time.

Lt. Aiden Ford:
Is time travel even possible?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, according to Einstein's general theory of relativity there's nothing in the laws of physics to prevent it. Extremely difficult to achieve, mind you. You need the technology to manipulate black holes to create wormholes not only through points in space, but time.

Major John Sheppard:
Not to mention a really nice DeLorean.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Don't even get me started on that movie.

Major John Sheppard:
I like that movie.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, it's obvious. The puddle jumper that they escaped in must have been some sort of a time machine. Had to have an additional component.

Major John Sheppard:
Flux capacitor.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[short pause] Yeah.

Teyla Emmagan:
Some sort of laboratory.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We've come across dozens of those, the city's full of them. Something unusual about it?

Major John Sheppard:
[finds someone in suspended animation] I'd have to say... yes.

Dr. McKay:
Hey, I'm Dr. Rodney McKay, all right? "Difficult" takes a few seconds; "impossible," a few minutes.

[to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Dr. McKay:
Hey, at least I didn't declassify Pluto from planet status. Way to make all the little kids cry, Neil. That make you feel like a big man?

[the sensors have discovered a powerful energy field]

Major John Sheppard:
Do you think it's worth checking out?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilisation.

Major John Sheppard:
So... you think it's worth checking out?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[sarcastically] I'm sorry. Yes. Energy field good.

Teyla Emmagan:
We must go faster, Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
This is pretty much my top gear!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Rodney, dial the damn 'gate. Don't wait for us!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
As if the bullets whizzing past my head weren't encouragement enough!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[by himself in a prison cell] Kolya! I didn't kill you last time, remember? You promised me points for that. Kolya! Dammit. I should have killed him.

Male Wraith:
There is no escape.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yeah, well, prisons are like that. Never stopped me before. How long you been down here?

Male Wraith:
Many years.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How many is many? 5? 10?

Male Wraith:
It no longer matters.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That many, huh?

Soldier:
Move.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Where are we movin' to? [Soldier c*cks gun] I kind of like it heere. [Soldier shoots the wall behind John] Ow!

Soldier:
Commander Kolya insists.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Oh, he insists? Well, why didn't you just say so?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What have you done to him?

Commander Acastus Kolya:
Nothing whatsoever, Dr. McKay.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, let me rephrase that. What are you *planning* to do?

Commander Acastus Kolya:
It's quite simple. I'd like to make a trade.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Before we continue this conversation another second, I want to speak with Sheppard.

Commander Acastus Kolya:
Be my guest.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We'll rephrase that, too. We would like him to be able to speak to us.

Commander Acastus Kolya:
[smiles] Very well.

Ladon Radim:
Kolya believes I have taken his rightful place as leader of our people.

Ronon Dex:
No wonder he's pissed.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Well, obviously, he has men loyal to him in your inner circle, hence the codes.

Ladon Radim:
Those traitors will be found.

Ronon Dex:
Sounds like you're the traitor to me.

Ladon Radim:
Must he be here?

Ronon Dex:
So what? I say we turn him over and let 'em fight it out.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We can't do that.

Ronon Dex:
Oh, why not?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Because... well... [to Elizabeth] can we?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Has there been any progress?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We have a list of planets where recent Genii activity has been documented, but we'd have a much higher margin of success if Ladon would be willing to point out firm locations of Genii safe houses and shelters, maybe even Wraith-infested torture chambers.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[to the Wraith prisoner who just fed on him] This might come as a surprise to you, but I'm not really in the mood for conversation. So why don't you do me a favor and [shouts] shut the hell up!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
All right, people, let's do this one by the numbers. We get in, we get our man, we get out. Stay sharp and stay alive.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
What are you on about?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, just things Sheppard would say, so I thought I would...

Teyla Emmagan:
Well said, Rodney.

Ronon Dex:
Just stay behind me.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Right.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I thought you said this wasn't personal.

Commander Acastus Kolya:
The truth is, I would've settled for Dr. McKay. But I don't imagine i would enjoy his constant wailing.

Commander Acastus Kolya:
You'd prefer I stormed Atlantis and take Ladon by force?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[laughs] You've got... half a dozen men and a starving Wraith? Yeah, you go right ahead.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[Rodney fires his gun and everyone comes running] Oh...

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Rodney!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I just - you know, I reacted.

Teyla Emmagan:
What is it?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Um... a mouse. A really big one, though. More of a rat, really. Possibly rabid.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
This isn't the place, is it?

Teyla Emmagan:
I do not believe so.

Ronon Dex:
No. Sheppard wasn't here.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
And we've just wasted two and a half hours.

Ronon Dex:
Let's move out!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
And a mouse.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You know, I could've sworn I was gonna wake up dead today.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You stopped yourself.

Male Wraith:
Yes.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Why?

Male Wraith:
Because, the longer I feed, the weaker you become... and we will need what strength you have left to escape.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Now he wants to escape.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How far is the stargate?

Male Wraith:
It will be guarded.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
We've got guns.

Male Wraith:
They will be waiting for us.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Don't be so negative. [Wraith grunts] You think you're gonna make it?

Male Wraith:
If I feed.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, don't look at me.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You have no idea where the stargate is, do you?

Male Wraith:
It was many years ago.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Way to go, John - listening to a Wraith!

Commander Acastus Kolya:
[over the radio] Kill the Wraith on sight, but I want Sheppard alive.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, we learned two things. One, he likes me better than you. [Wraith laughs] Two, we probably never would've made it to the stargate anyway.

Male Wraith:
Then it is over.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No. Our people don't leave each other behind. That's three things you've learned.

Soldier:
[Over the radio] Tell Kolya there's nobody around the 'gate.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Sounds like they're concentrating their search around the 'gate. They must think we knew where we were going.

Male Wraith:
[laughs ruefully] Oh, it was worth it... if only to see the sky again.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I got slightly higher expectations.

Male Wraith:
My wound is deep. If I do not feed soon... I will die.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Buck up.

Male Wraith:
Sheppard gave me back my life. I merely repaid the debt.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What debt? Are you kidding me? I mean, he looks younger than he did before.

Ladon Radim:
I came here as a friend, Doctor Weir. I hope to leave as one.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
And we appreciate your concern for Colonel Sheppard.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Despite the fact that it was your incompetence that led to his capture.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Sheppard could have left you to rot down in that hole when we last met, Kolya. He does *not* deserve this.

Commander Acastus Kolya:
Let's be clear, Doctor McKay. No one does.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I prefer lethal injection, although I do have a fondness for the electric chair. Call me romantic.

Teyla Emmagan:
Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Certain countries, yes.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Do we need to get into this right now?

Ronon Dex:
[after Sheppard, Teyla, Rodney, and Ronon are held captive, Ronon is trying to get out of his hand restraints] I think they're loosening.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Take it easy, Chewie - You're gonna cut your damn hands off!

Maj. John Sheppard:
How much time do you need to rework the D.H.D.?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, in a perfect world, two days.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Rodney!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Right now - ten minutes, give or take.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Leave it to convicts to know the best way to tie people up.

Ronon Dex:
Well, eventually I will get free and when I do, he's gonna pay for this.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Now listen to me. When you get free, you get us free and we all get out of here. Let 'em find out we're gone after we're gone.

Ronon Dex:
You're expecting me to let them get away with this?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
The operative words are "get away".

Ronon Dex:
After I kill them!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That type of thinking will get us killed.

Ronon Dex:
Well, if you had returned fire...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
The weapons systems were damaged.

Ronon Dex:
If you say so.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I do say so, and right now I'm saying knock it off.

Ronon Dex:
Is that an order, Sheppard?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I am beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to. But if you need it to be, yeah it's an order.

Torrell:
I could kill you, but you strike me as the type of man who despite being weak outside harbors strength of character he doesn't even know he has.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm sorry, is there a compliment in there?

Eldon:
The technology on this ship is far more advanced than the Olesians.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
How ironic then to have been shot down by the cast of Braveheart.

Male Wraith:
[Sipping a glass of wine] I think this is my favorite vintage yet.

Magistrate:
I hope you find the food acceptable as well. My new chef is quite accomplished.

Male Wraith:
I certainly hope so. Your previous chef unfortunately proved to be far more appetizing than the meals he prepared.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What am I? MacGyver? Fix it with what?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
How are you?

Maj. John Sheppard:
My body's mutating into a bug. How are you?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Did Ronon shoot me?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
You had it coming.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Do I make you nervous?

Ladon Radim:
Not at all, Major. I'm just not interested in talking to the errand boy.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That's Lieutenant Colonel Errand Boy to you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You know, I'm not sure that you've sufficiently trained me in actual combat. I-I-I don't know how much use I'd be in a fight-our-way-out kind of scenario.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, I look at it this way: the Genii have tried to kidnap you on numerous occasions to mine that big old brain of yours.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, if we get into trouble, I'll just trade your life for mine.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, funny.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Don't worry: if you survive, I'll mount some sort of rescue mission... eventually.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, that was refreshing! He didn't try to kill us even once!

Ronon Dex:
I just want to know who thinks I'm not a threat and give them a chance to change their mind.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What the hell happened?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
We got gassed.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Are we in some sort of trouble?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Was it the gas or the prison cell that was your first clue?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Beckett's the best doctor in two galaxies.

Dr. Bill Lee:
What about the Daedelus? It's on a return voyage to the Milky Way. We could use them to relay the trans... ah no, wait... no way they're close enough, even with their long range transmitters.

Major General Hank Landry:
You'll find another way to get the message to them.

Dr. Bill Lee:
I will?

Major General Hank Landry:
Of course you will. It's what I pay you for.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Elizabeth is including intel about infighting amongst the Wraith in today's status report.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Let's hope that trend continues. If they keep fighting like this, I'd be able to take a weekend off.

Colonel Steven Caldwell:
We don't have time to debate morality. Unfortunately sometimes you have to do unpleasant things to save lives.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Have you had any nightmares lately?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Not a night goes by. Last night I dreamt that Colonel Carter invited me to her quarters for dinner.

Teyla Emmagan:
Maybe you shouldn't be telling us this, Rodney.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Yeah, I said nightmare, not delusional male fantasy.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Wait and listen. Turns out she was serving lemon chicken. I mean, lemon, and the only reason she invited me to dinner was to tell me she was promoting Zelenka over me.

Ronon Dex:
That's it?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Then I was eaten by a whale. Don't ask how that happened.

Ronon Dex:
[Ronon is hacking through a jungle] What are we doing?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Exploring the Pegasus galaxy. It's what we do.

Ronon Dex:
You know what I mean.

Teyla Emmagan:
There certainly doesn't appear to be anything here that would help in our fight against the Wraith or the Replicators.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Come on, you guys kill me. Planets are huge, you know!

Ronon Dex:
Yeah, and usually you're the one complaining.

Teyla Emmagan:
Yes, this enthusiasm is most unlike you, Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm turning over a new leaf.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
We did the standard flyover in the Jumper, scanning for life signs. Nothing.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You can't fly around for ten minutes and decide there's nothing here.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yes I can!

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
[Keller is describing her nightmare] It was terrifying. There you were with this disgusting alien bug crawling out of your stomach, and Colonel Sheppard was acting like it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen.

Ronon Dex:
That sounds like that movie.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Yeah, Alien. Have you seen it?

Teyla Emmagan:
Colonel Sheppard speaks of it often.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I still remember the first time I saw it. Certainly did not think it was cool.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
One time in med school, I made the mistake of confiding to my partner in biology class that it had caused my all-time worst nightmares. He actually planted a live snake inside a cadaver I was working on.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, I never saw it as a kid. I knew from the poster it was gonna be too scary. I was 16 when a neighbourhood theatre had a horror revival festival. I thought, great... date, movie. So... Jocelyn Rutger, third period science. Bit of a geek, but she had a great, um... Anyway, you know how girls get all, uh, scared, curl up on your shoulder?

Teyla Emmagan:
Your planet has some truly strange rituals.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Anyway, I eat when I get nervous.

Ronon Dex:
[being sarcastic] Really? I hadn't noticed.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
So, very tense, working like a charm. Jocelyn's all freaked out beside me. I'm packing away the Goobers and the popcorn. And then the alien bursts out of John Hurt.

Teyla Emmagan:
You didn't?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Puked all over her.

Ronon Dex:
[smiling] I have *got* to see this movie!

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Have you had any nightmares recently?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Not a night goes by! Last night I dreamed that Colonel Carter invited me to her quarters for dinner...

Teyla Emmagan:
Maybe you shouldn't be telling us this, Rodney.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Yeah, I said "nightmare" not "delusional male fantasy".

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Looks like ones of those toys you played with as a kid.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Commodore 64?

Ronon Dex:
Triple-barrel shotgun?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
A kaleidoscope.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... yes, with a woman!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Lieutenant, way to survive what I think may be my worst nightmare.

Lt. Laura Cadman:
Thank you, sir!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes, thank you! [John smiles at Rodney sarcastically]

[after two white mice are burnt to black crisps during a test]

Maj. John Sheppard:
I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
All of his vitals are stable. His body's reacting like it has been struck by a Wraith stunner.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
So you think once the initial shock is over we'll have the old McKay back>

Dr. Carson Beckett:
I'm afraid so.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
So he just looks crazy.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm sure I do but only because Dr Fumbles McStupid over here was in way of his head!

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Yes, yes. I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want try to fix it or do you want to continue to berate me some more?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You're the one who volunteered to go.

Ronon Dex:
If I do something like that again, shoot me.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
He was like this all night. You know, very agitated. Had me scared.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Elizabeth! Did you get my email?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Which email? One of the seven today? Or one of the eighteen yesterday?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hey, how long have you been standing there?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Hour or so.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What? Why didn't you say anything? I feel like a - oh. It's the kidding.

Ronon Dex:
You ask me, it's too much meditation.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You named him after Samantha Carter?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well Sam's a boy's name too.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
And how do you know he's a he?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, because I cross referenced the renderings in the database with the whale outside and you'll see the males have a rather prominent...

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Oh it's okay. Never mind. I'll take your word for it.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You didn't feed him, did you?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[Rodney is slightly deaf] Rodney? Canadian football league's a joke. Celine Dion is overrated. Zelenka is smarter than you are.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's kind of like trying to sing the words to the Macarena. You can sound out the words but you have no idea what you're singing.

Teyla Emmagan:
If you fall asleep on more time...

Ronon Dex:
[gets a training stick] Hit me with that.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
So, these, uh, whales. Did the Ancients say they're good eating?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, you wouldn't!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I would.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You are not gonna believe this. I've been monitoring Sam on the underwater scanner...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Stop calling him that.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Why?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
It's creepy!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No, it's not.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That guy's the size of a football field!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, a *Canadian* football field.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Hey, wanna take a closer look?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Umm...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Come on.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
This is not a good plan.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Sure it is.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You realise just how close we'll have to get to the sun?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Pretty damned close, I'm thinkin'.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
*Suicidally* close. I mean, we'll be toast.

Maj. John Sheppard:
[stranded on the other side of the time-dilation portal] This is Sheppard. I appreciate you can't hear me, but I don't have a volleyball to talk to, so what the hell.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[as he turns towards Shepard] What is it with you and Ascended women?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, then, any volunteers?

Maj. John Sheppard:
I'll go.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Just back out if you encounter anything problematic.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Problematic?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, like, uh, poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere.

Maj. John Sheppard:
This is downright problematic Rodney!

Maj. John Sheppard:
Well, you're either going to eat me, or I'm gonna eat you!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Tape it to the stick, we extend the camera through, record for a few minutes, pull it back, play the record.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yeah, "MALP on a Stick".

Dr. Carson Beckett:
So part of his body is experiencing time at a different pace than the other? Who knows what that could do to him?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I have no idea but I suspect he could use a doctor.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
So you don't even know if he's alive?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
The most time-efficient approach was to assume that he's alive but stranded.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Then why not assume that he can make his own way back through the portal?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Because Colonel Shepppard would have already had hours to try to make it back through the portal in the time I wasted explaining the situation to Conan and Xena.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Look, they stripped us of everything but the clothing on our backs and surrounded us with laser walls. I'm not sure how much play we have here.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We've got one thing going for us, at least.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
What's that?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We're not dead yet.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Look, after Carson... Someone had to step up and take over, and I'm glad to help out, don't get me wrong, but I'm not qualified to run a department of this size. You - you need someone... better.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Everyone down there says you're doing great.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Well, a, I'm not sure that's true, and b, it's been pretty smooth sailing over the last few weeks. I think I've been lucky.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Well, the IOA are reviewing candidates but, to be honest, they're not that great at making quick decisions.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Yeah. So, a week? Two weeks? [pause] I just haven't been sleeping very well. This whole being in control thing kind of makes me anxious.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Carson felt the same way his first few months.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
I appreciate you trying to lie to me.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Look, I feel very comfortable with my life in your hands, and at the end of the day, that means you're doin' a pretty good job. Dealing with the pressure - it does get easier with time.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
So we can assume the Replicators are behind this.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, I hope so.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
You *hope* so?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, otherwise, we've discovered yet *another* super-powerful enemy.

Ronon Dex:
I need to learn some science.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
What for?

Ronon Dex:
I'm not all that useful in situations like these. If we get into a fight, or we need to break out of somewhere, you know, kill someone, I'm your man, but a laser attacking the city's shield - I don't know where to chip in.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, that's why we're a team, like the Fantastic Four. [Ronon and Teyla stare at him] It's a comic book where superheroes fight crime and stuff. See, I'd be Mr Fantastic, Ronon would be The Thing, McKay would be the Human Torch... [John looks at Teyla] You'd be the Invisible Woman.

Teyla Emmagan:
I am not invisible.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No. No, and McKay's not a human torch.

Teyla Emmagan:
Well, how come *you* get to be Mr Fantastic?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Because he was the leader and I'm the... [pause] I'm just saying that *they* were a cool team and *we're* a cool team and they use their strengths to, you know... [another pause] I'm gonna go check on McKay.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, I guess it's showtime.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You sure you can do this?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Fly the city?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What else could I possibly be talking about?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I flew a V22 Osprey once.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Was it as big as a city?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, you had to use your hands and feet with that one. This one, you just have to sit down and think... Fly.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
OK, why don't you just get in the Chair and start your pre-flight?

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Adams, that guy just has a cut. Tell him to put pressure on it and move on. There's a lot of people worse off upstairs.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[McKay and Zelenka are staring at their computers in silence] Should't you guys be bickering or something?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We've got nothing to bicker about. He's run out of bad ideas... finally.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Look, if you're not going to help then just swim on by!

Captain Griffin:
So, let me ask you something. As a scientist, does it bother you that most of your work, no matter how brilliant, will eventually be considered misguided? 'Cause that would bother me.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm sorry?

Captain Griffin:
Well, given enough time, everything's pretty much proven wrong, right?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No.

Captain Griffin:
Everything from the Earth being flat, to the sun revolving around us.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, if you wanna go back hundreds of years!

Captain Griffin:
Columbus was Spanish - he figured out the Earth was round.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
He was Italian.

Captain Griffin:
So I wonder what it is that makes Spaniards so good at debunking bad science? You're not Spanish, are you?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, yes! Of the Barcelona McKays! Now, if you don't mind...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to the sea monster] Oh, see, pal. Sorry you don't get to eat me today.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
He's the reason we found you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Really?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Almost thought we lost you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I knew you'd think of something... subconsciously, at least.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
The way I see it, you're scared. You're a little panicked, you're a lot lonely. You knew you could use some help, so your subconscious is manifesting the one person you know is smarter than you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, I don't think so!

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
Oh, don't start with me, McKay!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You are very clever, I will even give you brilliant; but there is brilliant, and then there's me.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
Every time we've worked together you've been wrong and I've been right.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Even if that were true, and no-one is saying that it is, the fact that you could assert...

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
Why else would I be here?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I don't know. Maybe one last romp before I die?

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
One last romp? Please, we never...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, one first romp but it's romping that comes to mind, not your brains, blondie. Now you've got to admit I am a handsome man...

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
You're essentially arguing with yourself.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We make a good team, you and I.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
Suuure...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No, I mean it. I really enjoy working with you. Always. I wonder why we never hooked up.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
Well aside form the fact you're petty, arrogant and treat people badly?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes?

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
No, that's pretty much it. Petty, arrogant, bad with people.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, but you find me attractive? Physically?

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
Stick to working on my idea.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
But this is my idea.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
How do you figure?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You don't exist. You think what my subconscious tells you to think. So really the idea was mine. Oh, wow. I'm arguing with myself about who had an idea first, me or me. I really am petty, aren't I?

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
And arrogant and bad with people, yes.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
[McKay kisses Carter] You do realise what you're actually doing, right?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh come on! You're a figment of my imagination. The least you could do is take your top off.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
Your subconscious mind knows I would never be into that.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You are the worst hallucination ever.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
[Cursing in Czech] Do prdele, to je na hovno tohle to. Kdo to vymyslel, ze budeme pod vodou tentokrat? [Translation: F*** you, this sucks. We're going under water this time, whose idea was that?]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I think my Czech's getting better, 'cause I know what you mean.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You gonna eat your power bar?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yes, Rodney. Told you, shouldn't have eaten yours so early in the day.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm starving! Usually Flora feeds us some sort of food when we visit. Come on, you hardly ever eat yours.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No, Rodney!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, will you give it to me later when you decide you're not gonna eat it?

Harmony:
You allow him to question you so incessantly?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I guess I'm just used to it by now.

Harmony:
Would it not be easier to beat him?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
We don't beat people where we come from.

Harmony:
Why not?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, we find it's not very effective in the long run... unfortunately.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to the mouse] Got your eye on anyone?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Umm, not really.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Actually I was talking to the mouse. But now that you mention it, some of those Athosian women are pretty hot, and we DID just save them from the Wraith, so we gotta trade on that while we can. You know, before they discover that we're not actually that cool.

Dr. Peter Grodin:
I'm thinking, Mr. Invincible!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Captain Untouchable!

Dr. Peter Grodin:
[both laugh] Ooh, that's good!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You guys done?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
I've been working on this gene therapy for months, forgive me for wanting to celebrate the fact that it worked on the first human trial!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[sarcastic] Oooh, Let's all have a toast!

Dr. Peter Grodin:
If both codes are properly entered the Naquada generator will overload. It will take thirty seconds.

Lt. Aiden Ford:
You sure it'll do enough damage?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Ever seen a 20 kiloton nuclear explosion?

Major John Sheppard:
I have.

Major John Sheppard:
[everyone stares, he shrugs] Not up close.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hit me. [Grodin hits him, but a force shield stops him]

Dr. Peter Grodin:
Ow, God!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You didn't have to swing so hard, and notice he didn't even hesitate.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.

Major John Sheppard:
I shot him. In the leg!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm invulnerable!

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[singing] Invulnerable.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Alright, take it off. Let's go have this meeting.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You're just jealous.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Oh yes, green with envy!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
This may be more serious than I suspected.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Why, thank you! I'm hungry already. What am I going to do? If I don't get this stupid thing off, I'll be dead by the end of the day.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Relax. You can live three or four days without water.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, I'm talking about food!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Well, you found some Ancient text with the device. What did it say about taking it off?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, yeah, there were some explicit instructions which I chose to completely ignore!

Dr. Peter Grodin:
Well, some Ancient technology uses a mental component for operation.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Just shut up. I'm thinking.

Dr. Peter Grodin:
Is there any chance that the gene therapy isn't permanent?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
It's possible.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm a dead man.

Major John Sheppard:
Listen, Teyla. Uh, don't tell McKay what I said about hockey not being a real man's sport 'cause, uh, it's a Canadian thing, a little touchy about it.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
He fainted.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, there's gotta be a better word!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Faint is the proper medical term.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I passed out from... manly hunger.

Major John Sheppard:
Well, hang in there. [He turns his radio on] Doctor Weir, this is Sheppard. Uh, McKay's OK. He, uh, he fainted.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, yes, very sympathetic! Let's all mock the dying man! Thank you!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
If this thing feeds on energy we could be in big trouble, and when I say we, I mean you because I won't actually be around for much longer.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
This is a bad idea.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
You said that already.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, it's worth saying again.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[opening his eyes] What happened?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
You did it.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I did?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
It went through the Gate.

Major John Sheppard:
You must have passed out.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh. Well, thanks for not saying the other thing.

Teyla Emmagan:
What is a 'Hail Mary?'

Major John Sheppard:
It's a play, that you just saw. [pause, Teyla looks confused] It's named after a prayer. See, there's this woman and her name is Mary; and she uh... Did I mention how much I like ferris wheels?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We're talking about a lot of energy here.

Maj. John Sheppard:
How much is a lot?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well in terms of joules or ergs?

Maj. John Sheppard:
In terms of... lots.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Lots... and lots.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
War and Peace. Mmm some heavy reading.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Yeah. Well back on Earth when i was getting ready for this mission I realized there was a good chance I might be here for a while so i figured 'why not bring along a book that takes a while to read.'

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Page 17.

Maj. John Sheppard:
I'm right on schedule.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Let me see if I can make you understand, okay? these results don't just say the Zed-p.m. won't work, they say this reality isn't governed by any natural laws. It's like looking through a microscope at a cell culture and seeing a thousand dancing hamsters.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
7,549.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, please. Prime. 4,021.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Uh, nice try try. Not prime. OK, Lt. Ford, 599.

Lt. Aiden Ford:
I don't care if it's a prime number or not.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Come on. Yes or no?

Lt. Aiden Ford:
No.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
[laughs] It's incredible. 10 for 10.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
He is terrible.

Lt. Aiden Ford:
So I suck at prime/not prime. Somehow I'm going to sleep tonight.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
At this point, it's gone way beyond not knowing your prime numbers.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's a true/false game. Statistically, just by guessing, you should be getting at least half of these right. Look, 993.

Lt. Aiden Ford:
Prime.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, come on. That's an easy one. Are you hearing this, Hays?

Hays:
Not really. I guess I've been too busy doing my job.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Lt. Ford, would you mind being a subject of research paper

[starts chuckling]

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
on statistical improbabilities?

Lt. Aiden Ford:
Is this some sort of payback for guys like me beating up guys like you in high school, right?

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
The disease is in the ship?

Todd the Wraith:
It is the only explanation that makes sense.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
All right, if you say so.

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
How is that even possible?

Todd the Wraith:
During the process of hibernation, there is a continuous exchange of fluid between Wraith and Hive.The disease must have been transmitted in this manner.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Great, so we're flyin' around in a giant tumour.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That ship in the hangar... Maybe McKay can fix it.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, maybe I can fix it, place the pressure squarely on my shoulders for a change!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, I've discovered you're pretty good under the threat of impending death!

[McKay pauses, clears throat]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
...I am, actually.

[McKay runs off to the fix the ship]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
The long range scanners: that's just what we call them.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
It's from an old TV show...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes, yes.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
I should head back with you and begin negotiations with the Taranan leader. What's he like?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Oh, you know. He's a guy. Didn't pay much attention. Sorry!

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Hopefully we can establish an alliance with them. A ship like that...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
would come very much in handy now that the Wraith are probably on their way: I know. Uh, I'm gonna get back there now: make sure he's not distracted.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Distracted?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Ah, well, the lead scientist, uh, she's very, um...

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Hot?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I was gonna say attractive. But McKay is acting very, uh...

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
Smitten?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I was gonna say pathetic.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
...And, I've uh, discovered the ships name... It's the, um, Hipapheralkus.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
The what?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, well it appears to have been named after an Ancient general... Hipapheralkus.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, we're not calling it that!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh good, then what about, um...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
-And we're not calling it the Enterprise, either!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I wasn't gonna say that! Look, for my second choice, though, I'd go with, um...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How about we name it later?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Fine.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's plenty of time to open a hyperspace window.

[pause]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What? That's my plan. Didn't I tell you about that?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
No.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No, you didn't.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, you were too busy running around looking for people.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, tell us the damn plan.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Fixing the sublight engines was impossible in the amount of time we had left, they were just too badly damaged, but I devised a sort of a patch that in effect diverts auxiliary power to the hyperdrive. Only enough for a fraction of a second mind you.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That won't get us very far.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We don't need to go far. Any old orbit will do.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
And then what?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, then Norina and I were planning a small dinner for us all, nothing fancy...

Norina:
Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, what does he mean then what? Then we won't die horribly.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I have a very firm grasp of Ancient technology.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You've blown up entire planets, Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That wasn't my fault!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
We don't have time to wait for the Daedelus. How are those engines coming?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Not even close.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well then I guess we're all going to die.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, you're doing that on purpose.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
What?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Creating an impossible task that my ego will force me to overcome.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yes, yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. It has nothing at all to do with saving the lives these people, it's all about you. Get your ass back to work and FIX THOSE DAMN ENGINES!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
So your plan is to not blow a hole in the hangar but to sit here and wait for this cataclysmic eruption to take place.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
With the shields and inertial dampeners at full strength, yes.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don't we as well?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That's the plan.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That's the plan?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That's the plan!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That plan sucks!

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Aye!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
This ship will be ejected along with the magma and steam several thousand feet into the air.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
The ship can survive that?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
For exactly 4.1 seconds, yes. Look, the hangar should disintegrate. The moment we're clear, we open a brief hyperspace window, jump to space before the explosion depletes our shields and incinerates us, hmm?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[Nervously] OK.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Very clever, Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well don't thank me until it works... which it probably won't.

Richard Woolsey:
I was Harvard Law Review. I was chief counsel of the US Army Corps of Engineers. Prior to that, I was an appellate advocate for Hartshorne & Slaughter, one of the most prestigious litigation boutiques in all New York City. Believe me, I can handle three tribal elders with a stack of papyrus.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You gonna tell me how you managed to pull this one off?

Richard Woolsey:
Well, I'd say it was a combination of things. My legal skills, my eloquence, the indisputable logic of my arguments... and the bribe I offered Kelore.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What?

Boy:
Is it true? You're going to hunt the Deimos?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It looks that way.

Boy:
I heard it has two heads, and can turn you to stone just by looking at you!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, you heard wrong.

Boy:
My uncle says it'll come and take me if I don't do my chores.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
He said that, huh? Well then, if we get rid of it, you've got nothing to worry about. You'll never have to do chores ever again.

Boy:
Really?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes. Look... go away!

Teyla Emmagan:
Are you that eager to return to Earth, Rodney?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
This isn't just about me, it is about the ability to go back and forth between Earth and Atlantis conveniently... and whenever I want to.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, let's just make contact, buy our souvenirs, and... [sees multiple beautiful women] get out of here!

Willa:
Fair day to you.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Fair day to *you*. Nothing here. We should probably go.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, probably wouldn't hurt to make contact with the locals, though.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No, no, when you're right, you're right.

Lucius Lavin:
I have, I have to say, some of the best ointments around. [John sneezes] See, I could take care of that, [snaps] just like that.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
It's just a cold.

Lucius Lavin:
Nevertheless, I have a potion that could get rid of that in six or seven days.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Mm.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[sarcastically] That's impressive.

Lucius Lavin:
You get used to it.

Lucius Lavin:
What, you come all this way, and you don't even want to do a trade? Look, it doesn't even have to be the ship. Forget the ship. I don't even *want* the ship, okay? You gotta have some other stuff you want to trade, right? Okay? [To John] Like, how do you get your hair to go like that?

Lucius Lavin:
I have to confess, I have concocted remedies for almost every known ailment.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Every single one?

Lucius Lavin:
Well, every one in town. This sick have been cured. The lame can walk again. Well, some still crawl, but they crawl a lot faster than they used to.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
One lousy gate, we're never gonna meet our quota at this rate.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
What quota?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
My quota.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
There's so much he can offer us!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Is this the same guy who said he could cure my cold in a week?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
I know my business, Colonel Sheppard. He happens to have created several remedies that are quite remarkable.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Really? That guy?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
He also possesses many valuable herbs and spices and gourds.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Did you just say gourds?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
He's a very wise and kind man.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Are you feeling all right?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
What do you mean?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
It's just you're acting... a little...

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Smitten?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I had another word in mind.

Lucius Lavin:
Yeah, we'll get to know each other then, okay? [To Ronon] Like, how do you get your hair to go like that?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Teyla... this is the same man who asked you to be his seventh wife.

Teyla Emmagan:
[worried] I know. I hope I didn't upset him.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
This is creeping me out.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, it reminds me of an old episode of Batman, actually. Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman, make him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all sorts of evil things for her. kind of a turn-on, actually. It was Julie Newmar in the catsuit...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Eartha Kitt was Catwoman.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Not till season three.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Really?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, you didn't know that?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Elizabeth wants to send a team to check out a gate at a suspected Wraith outpost.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What is she, nuts?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Everybody's nuts, Rodney. Haven't you noticed?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You're leaving me here alone?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You said you needed the liquid.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, but the place is turning into a nuthouse.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Somebody's gotta stay. Just keep away from the nuts.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I thought you said you were gonna stay away from the nuts.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes, well, I tried to keep to myself, but Lucius here was concerned for me, so he just came down, Ronon held me against the wall, and we had a nice, long talk.

Lucius Lavin:
You can fly this thing?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I can fly it, too.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Yes, now that you've received the A.T.A. therapy, which I invented. I was actually born with the gene, which makes me much more proficient at operating Ancient technology.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It does not. He doesn't fly this thing any better than I do.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Don't you lie to Lucius!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
So everyone here... back to normal?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
We're still fine, John.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No lingering desires? Secret longings for his touch?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
It's embarrassing enough without you constantly reminding us, thank you.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Hey, buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before the next scout. [Runs off]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Right.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It was one teeny, tiny taste for research purposes.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Burn it.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
All of it.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Right now.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Fine. Story of my life.

Ronon Dex:
[referring to Lucius] Yeah, you have a problem with that?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No. [pointing to Sheppard] But he might.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Fly, Lucius. Fly!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Where's Radek?

Gate Technician:
Not here...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
My childhood hero was Evel Knievel.

Teyla Emmagan:
Was he not evil?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No, it was just his name. He was a daredevil - which isn't kind of a devil. He just jumped motorcycles over things.

Ronon Dex:
Why?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Just because. Didn't always make it either.

Teyla Emmagan:
And you greatly admired this behaviour?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No, I just - look at least my hero is human. McKay's is Batman.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hmm. Misunderstood and unappreciated by many, because his most formidable weapon was the power of his brilliant mind. Not just a hero - a superhero.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[points at self] We're the good guys.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Rodney you're not trying to dig your way out of here, are you?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
See if you can find another spoon. Someone helping; this'll go twice as fast.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Nobody gets hurt. That's my vote, and my heartfelt recommendation.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You want to hide.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, we could call it strategic concealment.

Lucius Lavin:
I'm invincible, I can't be Vinced.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
What shall I say?

Lt. Aiden Ford:
Uh, uh, "I miss you"? "I wish you were here"?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
I wish who was here?

Lt. Aiden Ford:
I don't know. Who do you wish was here?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Nobody! I wish I wasn't bloody here!

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
We have to warn Earth.

Major John Sheppard:
Even if it's the last thing we do?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Especially if it's the last thing we do.

Jeannie's Husband:
I'm an English major, what the hell do I know?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You need to pack your toothbrush and head back to Earth.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Why?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Carter needs help.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[smugly] With what?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Your sister.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[sarcastically] Greetings, salutations, pleasantries...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
She was no me, of course.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to Jeannie] What have you told them?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
We weren't talking about you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, you weren't?

Teyla Emmagan:
No. We were discussing many things.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Now, when the issue of bedwetting happended to come up, she may have mentioned something about your childhood.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That is not true.

Ronon Dex:
Relax. We all have embarrassing childhood stories.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Of course we do.

Ronon Dex:
There was one time the school bullies made me eat lunch with my underwear on my head.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[slightly hopeful] Oh...

Ronon Dex:
Oh, wait, that was you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, hardy har-har.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Do you have any idea what you've written?

Jeannie:
A math proof. Some-some theoretical physics. I'm willing to wager it has no practical application whatsoever.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'll take that action.

Jeannie:
Not a fan of vegetarian cuisine, eh?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hmm, yes, well, I suppose I was just in the mood for... well, food.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Has he talked about his sister with you?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Once or twice is passing. Usually like, "Oh, come on, even my sister can do that!" You know, that type of thing.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Simulations are all in the green. We're ready to try power-up.

Jeannie:
Really? So soon? That's amazing. Excellent work, Radek.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
[mildly shocked] Thank you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes, we try *not* to encourage him. He's got a bit of an ego.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
In-chamber conditions are green. Containment field is in the green. Monitors are green.

Jeannie:
Everything's green.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
He likes to do the checklist.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[comes into the mess to find everyone eating and laughing] What is this?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Hey, Meredith!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, wonderful.

Rod:
Now, I presume you go by...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
'Rodney'.

Rod:
Ah. 'Rod'.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to Jeannie] I could never get anyone to call me that.

Rod:
We decided it might allow one of us to cross the bridge you'd created and bring the problem to your attention. There was very little time, and, well, there seemed to be no other way. We drew straws...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You lost.

Rod:
No, I won. What, the prospect of saving an entire universe? It was a no-brainer.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, sure.

Jeannie:
We haven't talked in four years.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Don't put all that on me.

Jeannie:
It is all on you. I had no way of getting in touch with you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I was doing top secret research in another *galaxy*!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Say what you want. I know what this is all about.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, really, Mr. MENSA in a parallel universe, what is this all about?

Rod:
Besides, they're not looking for another McKay around here. They already have one.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's just a lesser model, hmm?

Rod:
Oh, I envy you. You say exactly what's on your mind no matter how it makes you look. I can only imagine the freedom you must have not caring if people like you or not.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh. People don't like me?

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
How much power did you drain from the ZPM?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
All of it. I drained all of it.

Jeannie:
You did the right thing.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hmm. Well, I suppose I would've done the same thing for... me. [lights flicker as power switches to the generators] I am so fired.

Jeannie:
How'd it go with Weir?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh. Um, well, she wasn't too happy about the whole killing-the-ZPM but, you know, in the grand scheme of things, we did prevent the destruction of the universe, so... you know, not fired.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, right, uh... I got this for Madison. [hands her a small clay figurine]

Jeannie:
Oh.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, I swiped it from Weir's desk. It's not like there's a Toys "R" Us nearby, so, uh...

Jeannie:
Well, it's the thought that counts, I guess.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[comes into the mess to find everyone for the third time] Am I just not getting the team e-mails anymore?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Take it easy. We're just talking about Rod.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes, well, of course you are.

Teyla Emmagan:
Do you think he made it back to his universe?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, it's hard to say, really, but I doubt he'll be back, though.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That's good, uh, we found him a little creepy.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What?

Ronon Dex:
I can't stand people who are nice all the time. It makes me feel like they're trying to hide something.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Really?

Teyla Emmagan:
He kept trying to correct *me* on my Athosian history. It grew tiresome very quickly.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, he wasn't that bad.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Let's be honest. Rod was annoying.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, I'll be honest with you. That's kind of nice to hear. Now... [pulls up a chair as the rest of the team smiles] What else has been happening?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, Teyla's got the hots for one of the new Marines. [Teyla kicks him in the leg] Ow!

Teyla Emmagan:
That is *not* true.

Ronon Dex:
You know it is.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hardly new, either. [everyone smiles and laughs as the show fades out]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to Carter] No offence, blue eyes...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hi

Jeannie:
[extremely surprised] Hi.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Long time no see.

Jeannie:
To say the least.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Aren't you gonna invite me in?

Jeannie:
Why are you here?

Madison:
[Hugs Rodney's Legs] Hi!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Uh... hello, little one.

Madison:
Did you bring me a present?

Jeannie:
Madison!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What? No. I didn't know that was a rule.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm starving.

Jeannie's Husband:
Well, I hope you like tofu chicken.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[laughing nervously] Oh, I hope he's kidding.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Madison's sure gown up.

Jeannie:
Since she was born? Yeah!

Jeannie:
[explaining why she can't go] Madison's ballet recital is next week.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
She's four! How good could she possibly be?

Jeannie:
[looking out of the Daedelus] What have you gotten yourself involved in Meredith?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Meredith?

Jeannie:
Yeah. That's his name.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Your name's Meredith?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[embarrassed and annoyed] It's my first name, yes. Meredith Rodney McKay. I prefer to go by Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[after a pause] Look out the window, much more interesting than my name.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Your name's Meredith?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
He destroyed a solar system.

Jeannie:
MEREDITH!

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Well that's the beauty of your theory. It should not only allow us to build a bridge, it should also allow us to manage the flow rate of energy.

Jeannie:
[understanding] Like a faucet.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[laughing] Well, something like that...

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
[giving Rodney a reproaching look through camera] It's EXACTLY like that.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
[Jeannie and Rodney are bickering] Woah, woah! Siblings, please!

Dr. Rodney McKay, Jeannie:
Sorry.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[about the way Sam's looking at them] What?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Well, it's just you both said "sorry" with that cute Canadian way, and I...

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
[Rodney stares at her, less than amused] Sorry.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We're at war.

Jeannie:
Did you start it?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What? No.

Jeannie:
[about Teleportation] Holy Cow! That CAN'T be good for you!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
She's married and she's my sister.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I'm just saying hi.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I know exactly what your doing... Kirk.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Did you just call him 'Mer'?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's a pet name.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
He likes to push the button

Rod:
It worked!

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
What are you doing?

Rod:
Radek! I need to speak to whoever's in charge of this operation.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
But that's you.

Rod:
I guess I need to speak to me then.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Whatever you say Meredith!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[referring to the alternate universe Rodney] This is weird.

Jeannie:
[referring to Rodney destroying things] First a solar system! Now a universe!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What does Elizabeth have to say about this?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
"Two McKays are better than one"

Rod:
[to Sheppard] My Sheppard makes your Rodney seem... modest.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
And that would...?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Be bad.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yeah, I got that.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
How bad?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hey, what happened to the, uhm, to the blue jello? My favourite - all of a sudden it's off the menu. What gives?

Teyla Emmagan:
His demeanor toward women differs from his demeanor toward men. He kept calling me "honey". I admit the urge to inflict harm on this man was quite strong but I managed to refrain from doing so.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[Kavanagh has inadvertently activated the self-destruct] We've made a terrible mistake: we never should have revived Kavanagh.

[after being captured and brought to a high-tech lab]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What is this? Some kind of lab?

Jeanie Miller:
Well that's some great detective work Nancy Drew!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm really sorry about all this.

Jeanie Miller:
Oh, I am going to hold this over your head for... forever.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh. That's totally fair.

Jeanie Miller:
Like, you're going to eat a lot of vegetarian food. [chuckles] And not complain about it.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Sure, sure.

Jeanie Miller:
And you're going to read Madison three stories instead of her usual two.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Alright.

Jeanie Miller:
You're going to buy me a car.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Let's not get out of control here.

Jeanie Miller:
You almost got me killed, that's at least a car. A nice one. Hybrid.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, well, we'll talk about it on the way home.

Jeanie Miller:
Home. That sounds great. [she pauses, then hugs McKay] I love you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah. [Jeanie looks at him, waiting; he responds quickly, as if it is obvious] I love you too.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Say, you and I are about even when it comes to looks, right?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Who's been lying to you?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No, I'm serious.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I am, too. Who's been lying to you?

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Rodney, we're stuck. We've been stuck for ten hours. Just ask her for help, please.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm not stuck.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
The last time we had a block like this she helped us through it, right?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That was something completely different.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
I cannot sit here waiting for you to have an epiphany! I'm losing the will to live!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Where're you going?

Ronon Dex:
To get some food.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, in case you forgot, McKay and his sister are still missing.

Ronon Dex:
What, you want my help dissecting corporate structures? When you find someone to point a gun at, you let me know.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Carson?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
[Sitting in Atlantis' control chair] Elizabeth?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
How are you doing?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Oh, just peachy, thanks. You?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
I'm sorry to put you in this position, but you're the only person, besides Colonel Sheppard and General O'Neill, who've actually fired a drone from that chair.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Ironically, they're the two people I nearly killed when I did that.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
It was their objection to having Atlantis under military control that put me in this position in the first place.

Richard Woolsey:
Nothing renews your appreciation for the military like the threat of invasion from life-sucking aliens.

Richard Woolsey:
I've never met an Asgard.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
You, I think, will like them. They've got a great sense of humor.

Richard Woolsey:
Really?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
[smiles] No.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[about the hive ship] You figured out how to fly the thing yet?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[sarcastically] Oh, yeah, fly, shimmy, spin like a top. You didn't think it'd be hard, did you?

Michael Kenmore:
Are you my executioner?

Ronon Dex:
I wish. [stuns him]

Richard Woolsey:
It sounds like you're saying you won't come out against Dr. Weir because you're not confident of the outcome.

Colonel Steven Caldwell:
No, what I'm saying, Mr. Woolsey, is have a pleasant evening.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
We've all logged more than a few miles these past few weeks. I'd just like to say that... seeing you now, sitting across from me... looking at your faces... It makes me feel very...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You don't have to say it.

Teyla Emmagan:
We feel the same way you do.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, she feels hungry, too? [smiles at Elizabeth]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How many maneuvers can you pull off with your manual interface?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, does standing still count as a maneuver?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No.

[Elizabeth smiles]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[stomping into Elizabeth's office] Just out of political curiosity, how much trouble is it gonna cost you if I knock this Woolsey guy in the head?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
May I ask why you'd like to do that?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Just an impulse I had, really. One, I suspect, I'm gonna have again, next time I see him. He may not even have to say anything.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
I've never seen you like this. What did Woolsey say to you?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Besides judging every damn decision you've ever made?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
John Sheppard, are you defending my honor?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
[about Woolsey] I wouldn't be too hard on him. I think of all the circling wolves, he's the least likely to actually bite. In fact, he may even convince the others to leave us alone.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
All right, so, uh... no head-knocking.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
It's the thought that counts.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
What are our chances of surviving a ship-to-ship encounter?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
If I can get the manual interface working, I'd say... less than slim.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Look! They don't tell me this sort of thing, I'm just a doctor. Maybe you shouldn't have been so quick to kill Lieutenant Morrison.

Michael Kenmore:
I don't like to question military men. They're like our own wraith warriors. Unimaginative, rigid thought patterns... but you, on the other hand, are trained to have an open mind. And you have a strong sense of empathy toward others.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
It's not as strong as it used to be, believe me.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That's weird. A bunch of secondary systems just came online.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You're a genius, Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
True, but I didn't do it.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How did they contact the ship so far out?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I have no idea. Teyla, what do you think?

Teyla Emmagan:
It is possible that a group of them acting together could communicate over much larger distances.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, live and learn.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
And live some more, hopefully.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
What about the fail-safe device? What kind of kill zone are we looking at?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Everything within a three-mile radius is toast.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You sure about that? We've got no margin for error here.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
The blast radius doesn't just stop at three miles.

Teyla Emmagan:
What about the ones that are still human?

Ronon Dex:
There's nothing we can do for them.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, I suppose we could not incinerate them.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How are you doing with the weapons?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We couldn't hit the side of a barn.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Hive ships are a hundred times bigger...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
A giant flying barn, we couldn't hit that.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Even if they somehow deduced the location of Earth they still wouldn't be able to get there, not unless they... They downloaded something along with the hive ship plans. Aw, something like spyware - it's like my stupidly downloaded porn. [beat] Music! My downloaded music! It has to be, it couldn't... I did this. I'm responsible for the destruction of my own planet.

Ronon Dex:
If anybody was gonna do it, it'd be you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Thank you. Thank you *so* much for that!

Ronon Dex:
Stop worrying about it. Just focus.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Focus on what? What is there to focus on? I am stuck in a cocoon.

Ronon Dex:
Getting out of here.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, right, of course. Why didn't I think of that? Of course, here goes. Um, nope. Still can't move. [He pauses and hears Ronan trying to escape] I'm pretty sure they're struggle-proof there, big guy.

Ronon Dex:
You're wasting your energy talking.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, let's say a magic fairy comes down and grants you one wish, and we break out? Then what, huh? We're still on a hive, we're still traveling through hyperspace, probably in the massive void between our two galaxies, where there aren't even planets, let alone stargates. Then what, huh? Oh, we fly home on the wings of imagination? Is that what we do, Ronan?

Michael Kenmore:
I don't know how you got aboard, but if your friends are in pursuit, you need to disable these ships in order for them to reach us.

Maj. John Sheppard:
If you really want to help, why don't you just do that?

Michael Kenmore:
They would know.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Aren't you "they"?

Michael Kenmore:
Please believe me when I say I was as deceived as you were.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Oh, I don't know, I was pretty deceived.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I wonder which would be worse, being life-sucked by the wraith or being burned alive. I honestly couldn't consider two worse options.

Ronon Dex:
Stop talking.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, you know what? Make me.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Don't just stand there, cut me loose.

Ronon Dex:
Only if you put an end to all this "We're gonna die, there's no hope" talk.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, now there is hope.

Michael Kenmore:
Good luck.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Thanks. It'll be a walk in the park. A very scary park... filled with monsters who are trying to kill me.

Michael Kenmore:
I don't understand.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Never mind. Operation "This Will Most Likely End Badly" is a go.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Okay, how about some of this help you were talking about?

Michael Kenmore:
I told you to target the hyperdrive.

Maj. John Sheppard:
I already knew that.

Michael Kenmore:
There's nothing I can do.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Like hell there isn't. Call off the darts.

Michael Kenmore:
They won't listen to me.

Maj. John Sheppard:
This is not helpful, Michael.

Ronon Dex:
If we're already dead, I say we take 'em with us.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I suppose I'd rather die as a hero than as a meal.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Their operating system is a mess. Thank goodness I remember DOS. [Ronan doesn't react] Trust me, that was hilarious.

Ronon Dex:
Why should I trust you?

Michael Kenmore:
Because I'm trusting you. [He gives Ronan back his gun which Ronan then points at him]

Maj. John Sheppard:
Because *I* said so.

Major General Hank Landry:
Our tests of the Mark II generator and the chair in Antarctica are promising.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
"Promising." That doesn't sound very promising.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
[Talking about the IOA] I think they're going to ask me to step down.

Major General Hank Landry:
Well, if they're just gonna ask, you can always say no.

Maj. Lorne:
It didn't work on her.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Beckett wondered if the females would be immune.

Maj. Lorne:
Yeah, something you might have mentioned before she almost killed me, Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I only thought of it now.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
Colonel Sheppard. We'd written you off.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Don't get all emotional on me now.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Have you tried routing the power through the inertial...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes, yes, yes, we have tried everything.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Subspace communications?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We are floating between two galaxies, Radek. Atlantis has no ship to send. Even if we were somehow able to repair the array and get a message back to Earth, it would still take them weeks to get a rescue here.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
I wasn't thinking of rescue. I was thinking simply of telling them that we've stopped the Wraith, and perhaps letting someone know the sacrifice that we've done.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, a noble sentiment but I would prefer to dedicate my last breath of air to getting more air.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Jervis taken care of?

Teyla Emmagan:
He and his men have been locked up. They will not be giving us any more trouble though I do not think it was necessary to stun them.

Ronon Dex:
Felt good, though.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
[about a decaying body] He's been dead for months.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No... really?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
[looking over decaying body] He's been dead for months.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No, really?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm picking up that puzzling energy reading.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
What is it?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Did I not just use the word "puzzling"?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Charming.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Do you suppose the Genii are responsible for the energy readings we're detecting?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Probably. It'd be just our luck we've stumbled on one of their nuclear testing sites.

Lt. Kagan:
[worried] Nuclear testing site?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Just a small one.

Teyla Emmagan:
[Ronon draws his gun] What is it?

Ronon Dex:
I saw something.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, what? Person? Animal? How many syllables?

Ronon Dex:
It's probably nothing.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Why am I not comforted?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[they come across two more dead Genii] Oh, for God's sake. Enough with the bodies.

Ronon Dex:
A Wraith bunker, but no Wraith.

Teyla Emmagan:
It appears to have been abandoned for some time.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
The Genii probably stumbled on to it just like we did.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
And then promptly killed each other. Why?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Another Hardy Boys mystery.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
What is this?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
It appears to be organic.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's like the energy conduit aboard a Wraith ship... and every bit as disgusting.

Lt. Kagan:
This frequency... can it hurt us?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's doubtful, apart from the obvious sterility issues.

Lt. Kagan:
Wh-What?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
He's kidding. You're kidding, right? [Rodney makes a non-committal noise]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Can we stop for a second?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Look, I mean no disrespect, but this guy's heavy and ever since I was shot in the ass by an arrow, I've been prone to sciattica. [beat] No?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[They both look at destroyed DHD] Is there any other way to dial? And don't say no if there is *any* possibility, because I am not in the mood for your usual impossible heroics game.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I wouldn't do that!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Your pal, Major Looney Tunes, knew exactly where to set the charge.

Teyla Emmagan:
I am trying to impress upon Dr. McKay that determining how to turn the thing off is more pressing than learning what it actually does.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You don't even know what it does?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, I can now state for certain that it is, in fact, a generator.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
We already knew that.

Teyla Emmagan:
Is that what made all these people kill each other?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I hope so.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You hope so?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Otherwise, there are two bizarre things going on, and one is more than enough for me, thank you very much.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's as if whoever turned it on dialed it up to eleven and just left it there.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Genii. They must have discovered the place, started messing around with the machine without having the first clue as to what they were doing. Which explains why the place is covered in this. [indicates organic material]

Teyla Emmagan:
And before the realized what they'd done ...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
They couldn't figure out how to turn it off, so they shot the thing, hoping they could somehow kill it, which only made it regrow more, make it that much more difficult for someone with the ability to actually turn it off *to* actually turn it off.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
So you can't actually turn it off?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I never said that.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, what *did* you say?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
You wanted a scalpel?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, I need it to cut through this membrane. It's like surgery. It's more up your alley, maybe you oughta do it.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
I'm a little preoccupied at the moment, thank you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, how is Kroger?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Kagen.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Kagen. Kagen. What is it with me and names?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Don't worry. I'm fine. No violent urges yet. What about you? Getting any ideas about killing me?

Teyla Emmagan:
No.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That's good to hear.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Did you hear that?

Teyla Emmagan:
What?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Engines. Like a Jeep. not that you would know what a Jeep sounds like.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to Carson] So you made a mistake. You thought he was dead and he wasn't. Better off that way than the other way around.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hmm?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Have you experienced anything yet?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No. Everyone's brain chemistry is different. Maybe some people are more susceptable than others. Look, I toked pot once in college. Didn't feel a thing.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Really?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Mm. Well, aside from itchy. And the overpowering urge to eat an entire loaf of white bread.

[Throughout the scene, Rodney is complaining that John shot him]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[third time] You shot me.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[exasperated] Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry.

Ronon Dex:
You shot me, too.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I'm sorry for shooting everyone!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[panicking about what's out there] What? Person, animal? How many syllables?

Ronon Dex:
Probably nothing.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Why am I not comforted?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh for god's sake, enough with the bodies!

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
How are Rodney and Teyla?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
He shot me!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
They're both fine.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You shot me!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I'm sorry for shooting everyone!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I can't believe you shot me!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Get some sleep Rodney!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Converting the human body into energy and sending it millions of lightyears through a wormhole. Bloody insanity!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Come on, how often do you get to travel to an alien planet?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
I was already on an alien planet!

Carson Beckett M. D.:
It's not that I mind lending people a hand...

Maj. John Sheppard:
No, of course not.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You're a generous man, Carson.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
But it's the principle of the thing, isn't it? You can't go volunteering someone for something without consulting them first. That's not even volunteering, is it? It's being pressed into service. Not to mention the fact I'm not...

Maj. John Sheppard:
...military and I can't give you orders. I know.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No, he just doesn't like going through the Stargate.

Maj. John Sheppard:
He's worse than Dr McCoy.

Teyla Emmagan:
Who?

Maj. John Sheppard:
The TV character that Dr Beckett plays in real life.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Wonder what hurts more, the gunshot wound or the hunger? I'd love to help out but, how'd McKay put it? [pause] We can't meet your dietary requirements.

Wraith Warrior:
When I'm free, you'll be the first that i feed upon.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Okey dokey. I'm gonna go make myself a sandwich.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Sorry if I woke you. Just came by to see if there's anything you needed. Magazine, fresh towels.

Wraith Warrior:
You hide your fear poorly, major.

Maj. John Sheppard:
You know, we've been having these conversations for a couple of weeks now, and I don't even know your name. You guys do have names right? Let me guess... Steve?

Wraith Warrior:
I am your death. That is all you need to know.

Maj. John Sheppard:
I prefer Steve.

Wraith Warrior:
What do you hope to gain from this?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Just trying to bridge the gap between our two cultures, get to know you better. That and try to figure out how to keep your kind from sucking the life out of millions of innocent people!

Perna:
What do you think?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
That it goes against everything I believe in. There's an oath among medical people where I come from. It begins, "First, do no harm."

Perna:
Important words to you.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
More than words, Perna.

Perna:
"The battle rages at the very threshold of our laboratory now. Those of us working to the last know that these few final hours have been dearly purchased, yet our concentration has not waned. We cannot hope to save ourselves but we can hope that one last insight, one last revelation before we take our dying breaths, may prevent this terrible day from happening again."

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Ferrel's last journal entry.

Perna:
More than words, Carson.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
"Victory at all costs." That sound familiar, Major?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Churchill.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Aye. Never thought I'd disagree.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
You mean, you have a plan?

Oberoth:
We do.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Great, let's hear it. [Oberoth stares at him blankly] You plan, I mean.

Oberoth:
I doubt that you would be able to grasp its complexity and scope.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Fortunately, I'm very good with complexity.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
And scope.

Teyla Emmagan:
Might it not be possible that these people merely discoved this city, as you discovered Atlantis?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Wouldn't be surprised. They didn't seem very Ancienty to me.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Ancienty?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yes, that's the word I was looking for.

Niam:
He brought you food.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh good! I'm starving!

Ronon Dex:
[motions for Rodney to move away from the food]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What? I can't think on a empty stomach.

Niam:
Oberoth can be... intractable.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Not exactly the word I was looking for.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Un-Ancienty?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Not that word either.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Still nothing?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Still nothing.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Who the hell are you people?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
They're not people, they're machines. They're replicators!

Niam:
It is real, Dr. McKay. Your minds are no longer being probed.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Good to know it was just our minds.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, please don't make me sick.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
And Oberoth will agree to this?

Niam:
I believe Oberoth is attacking Atlantis as a result of that programming. If we can prove to him that it can be altered...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You think he'll see the light?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[sarcastically] Hallelujah.

Ronon Dex:
Not much point in leaving without blowing this place up first.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
How would we do that? [everyone looks at Rodney]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, that's me. Right. Surprise, surprise. Look, why don't I just go on these missions by myself, hmm?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Ancients?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
He's got one of their scanners.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
So do we.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[about Ronon's gun] Put that thing away. I told 'em we were friendly.

Ronon Dex:
I'm friendly.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Is that thing set to stun? [Ronon sets it to stun] Friendlier.

Teyla Emmagan:
And you've had no trouble with the wraith?

Niam:
No.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Any particular reason?

Niam:
The wraith do not concern us.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to John] Ah, see? He didn't answer my question. [to Niam] I'm sorry, you didn't actually answer my question.

Niam:
[regarding ZPMs] Oh yes. We have many of those.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Exactly how many is many?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Exactly doesn't matter. Many is plenty.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[regarding ZPMs] I assume that you... built them yourselves?

Niam:
Yes.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Easy, Rodney, you're slobbering.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
He says the other Ancients are arrogant?

Niam:
I'm sorry if you thought Oberoth was condescending in any way.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How 'bout in every way.

Niam:
It is difficult for him to see you as capable of understanding.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, well, how many Ph.Ds does he have?

Oberoth:
I am unaccustomed to repeating myself, however, leader to leader, I will say this once again. We will eliminate the Wraith at a time of *our* choosing.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
And you don't care how many of my people, or anyone else, dies while you make up your mind to act? You said earlier that your brothers' greatest weakness was their arrogance. May I suggest it runs in the family?

Oberoth:
Lower your weapons.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How much lower would you like them?

Oberoth:
Do you really wish to challenge us?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Maybe the floor? [lowers weapon]

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Rodney?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hmm?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Well, this cell is similar to ours. Is there something in the design that could offer a possible escape?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Are you serious? It's a jail cell.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[to Niam] You're the one we like, so don't take this personally. [Ronon knocks Niam out]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[John is going to manually set off the self-destruct] No, no, no! I can't let you do this, not without tossing a coin or something! It doesn't seem right!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I appreciate the offer, Rodney. Now, get out of here!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
What'd they do to you?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Torture, in ways to hideous and... intimate to recount?

Ronon Dex:
Like what?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I said "too hideous to recount."

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
I just had a horrible thought.

Teyla Emmagan:
What if it is still happening?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Yes.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
There's got to be a way to know for sure. [Pushes John's head and John smacks his leg] Doesn't really prove anything.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
This is bad. They're very similar to an artificle intelligence that SG-1 encountered several years ago that evolved from a tiny block replicator into human form. They may even be related somehow.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I read those reports. Stargate Command could barely defeat the human form replicators.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Which is why I said, "this is bad."

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How's it coming Rodney?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Slowly.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
What's the hold-up?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What's the hold-up? Do you have any idea what I'm trying to do here?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Niam gave you access to the program code, and you're screwing around with it.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, that is so... relatively accurate.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Thank you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Still, we're not dealing with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots here. We are dealing with a complex codeof over three billion chemical base sequences. It's like trying to reconfigure the DNA double helix.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Okay, so, what? Five minutes?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Exactly, but , while I was working on it, I figured out a way to create a glitch that, on my command, should momentarily freeze them.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
"Should."

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, if you will, I mean, dead in their tracks. Like hitting the pause button. Only temporarily, until they figure out how to override it.

Ronon Dex:
How long?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, I don't know. That's why I said "momentarily."

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Days? Hours? Minutes?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, look, it's minutes, but I don't know. That's what I was just saying to him.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
10? 20?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, fine, you want a number? Fine, seven. 7 minutes and 31 seconds. Are you happy?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That's not enough time.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, well, you wanted a number.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
A bigger number!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, it may very well be longer.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Or shorter.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I don't know. Look, you're missing the point.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Gentlemen, focus, please.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
So much for seven and a half minutes.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It was an *arbitrary* number.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Look, as soon as I trigger the overload there'll be practically zero lag time before it blows.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Practically?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Okay, so, like, a few seconds for it to build up power -

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How many seconds?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I don't know.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
5? 10?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Again with the arbitrary numbers!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Either the Ancients purposely conceiled every record, extremely well, I might add, or they simply deleted them from the database. I'm leaning towards the latter.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Perhaps the think they've truly destroyed them all.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Or they didn't want anyone to know they failed.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Again. God, there is nothing more annoying than people who won't admit their own mistakes.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[He and Radek share a look] True.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
We could be here a while. [looks at a pregnant Teyla]

Teyla Emmagan:
What?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
It's just every time one of these things happen in the movies the pregnant woman goes into labor.

Teyla Emmagan:
I'm still long way from my due day.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
That's the same thing in the movies and then wham!

Teyla Emmagan:
Can anyone do it?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
They'd have to know Rodney's password. Fortunately I do.

Teyla Emmagan:
He told you his password?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
He didn't think I'd remember it. 16431879196842. See, didn't take a genius.

Teyla Emmagan:
I-it doesnt...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
1643 is the year Isaac Newton was born, 1879 Einstein and 1968...

Teyla Emmagan:
...the year Rodney was born.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Never underestimate the size of that man's ego.

Teyla Emmagan:
Wait, weren't there other numbers?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
42

Teyla Emmagan:
What is that?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
It's the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe and everything.

Teyla Emmagan:
Climb the tower? Is that even possible?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Sure, Batman did it all the time. Piece of cake.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
One must always be on guard, you know, always looking out for the potholes. Now, you can call me a catastrophist, but it's a necessary burden I bear.

Dr. Katie Brown:
A mindset like that and a person would live in a constant state of worry and fear.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You forgot despair.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
You know, I'm a little bit puzzled as to why Rodney hasn't solved this problem yet. He's been a little off his game lately.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
Maybe he doesn't have access to a computer.

Dr. Radek Zelenka:
Rodney without his computer? This I have yet to witness.

Teal'c:
On the day I left Chulak, Master Bra'tac said to me, "Draw from your past, but do not let your past draw from you."

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
That's good advice. Still, I know I'm gonna miss this place, and all of you.

Teal'c:
[smiling] I would have been offended had you felt otherwise.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
Ten years is a long time.

Teal'c:
It has been ten years well-spent. We have defeated numerous enemies and overcome many threats.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
[shy smile, eyes tearing up] It was never dull.

Teal'c:
We have accomplished much here. But now it is Atlantis that is in need of you.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
[head down, under her breath] Yeah... [head up, normal tone] Part of me is looking forward to going, but there's another part of me that thinks maybe it's too soon that I- that I'm leaving my work here unfinished.

Teal'c:
Your work will continue, only in a different place. You have been bestowed an incredible honor, Colonel Carter. And I believe you should embrace it. And know this: though we may not be leaving with you, SG-1 will never be far away.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
[nodding with a smile] So I can expect you guys to come visit sometime?

Teal'c:
Undomesticated equines could not keep me away.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter:
[hugging him with a small laugh] Nice callback.

Teal'c:
[eyes tearing up] Indeed.

Ronon Dex:
I hear you're in charge.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[somewhat confused, glances from McKay to Ronan]

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Ah... Ronan, this is Colonel Carter. Sam, this is Ronan, he's...

Colonel Samantha Carter:
Satedan. [walking around desk to be closer to them] And... a member of your team, of course. What can I do for you?

Ronon Dex:
Uh, I wanna bring some friends to Atlantis and apparently I've gotta clear it through you first.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
Unfortunately, some new security procedures prevent me from allowing any off-world visits to Atlantis for the time being.

Ronon Dex:
Under whose authority?

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[beginning to feel challenged] It was a directive from the IOA.

Ronon Dex:
Well they don't need to know.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[somewhat in scolding way, attempting to intervene on Carter's behalf] Ronan, she's uh...

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[holds up hand to stop McKay] I'm sure you understand what a precarious position we're in here. It is imperative that the location of this base remains a secret.

Ronon Dex:
And it will. They're my people, I'll vouch for them.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[with a sigh] I'm sure you can. But for now, we're on a new planet with a new set of rules.

Ronon Dex:
And a new person in charge. [takes a few steps toward Carter, so he is just close enough to intimidate] Weir never would have doubted me.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[small laugh and a sigh] Okay, first of all, Ronan, I'm not doubting you. These new regulations apply to everyone on this base. And secondly, [pause] I'm not Dr. Weir. [Ronan walks away, leaving Carter a little stunned; she turns to McKay] Wow. Is he always like that?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No. No, [nodding with a sigh] uh, actually, you... you caught him on a good day.

Ronon Dex:
[after Sheppard sits down at his table and begins to eat] Teyla's already spoken to you, hasn't she.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yeah, well, we had a little chat.

Ronon Dex:
Hm. So let's hear it.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Hear what?

Ronon Dex:
Whatever you've got to say.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Not gonna say anything.

Ronon Dex:
Really.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I don't have to because you already know what I'm gonna tell ya. You're a valuable member of my team and that it would be difficult to find somebody to take your place.

Ronon Dex:
Mm hm.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
And that you may think you're going back to find something you've lost, but there's nothing to go back to. Sateda's gone, and running around with your buddies isn't gonna bring that back.

[with a satisfied look, takes a bite of food]

Ronon Dex:
[straight face] You're not gonna say any of that.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[shakes head, mouth full] Oh, I don't have to.

Ronon Dex:
Look, this isn't about me trying to bring back the past.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[getting increasingly angrier as the conversation progresses] Well then what is it?

Ronon Dex:
They need me. They always have. I'm the one that took care of them, got them home alive whenever we went into battle.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[staring at Ronan] You're one man, Ronan. You can't expect to protect them forever.

Ronon Dex:
Probably not. But that's where you guys come in.

[pause, Sheppard looks interested]

Ronon Dex:
We got some intel on a Wraith target.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[pauses, shifting position] The Wraith and the Replicators are kinda beatin' the crap out of each other right now; I think it's counterproductive to run an op against them.

Ronon Dex:
I have a feeling you'll change your mind once you hear the details.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[small nod, picks up coffee] Let's hear it.

Ronon Dex:
Not yet. I want Tyre, Ara, and Rackai in on this.

[Sheppard sighs]

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[genuinely welcoming] Hey, Rodney, come on in.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Ah. I brought you a [pointing to flowers in his hand] little something to spruce up the place.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
Well thank you, that's very sweet. There's a... a vase right there.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hmm. [watches her walk off, then turns and sees the fruit basket he was going to give her]

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[sees he is looking at the fruit basket and points to it] Oh, uh, Col. Sheppard dropped that off. [as she unpacks further] Apparently, it's a sampling of fruit from the home worlds of our various trading partners.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[looking somewhat confused] Hm.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
I thought it was a really thoughtful gesture.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[under his breath] Son of a... [drops flowers into vase unceremoniously, then turns with a smile] Anyway, look, I just, uh, came by to, uh, welcome you to Atlantis, see how you're settling in, and... uh... see if you needed anything, and... uh... did I mention I was seeing someone.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[somewhat baffled, but with little outward change of face] I'm sorry, what?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm, uh, seeing someone. Yeah. I- I- I only bring it up now, because you're here... now... and we'll be working together a lot more, and... uh... you know, I- I just thought... with our past...

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[confused] Our... past...?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You know, the unrequited lust that's been hanging over our heads for what seems like forever... [self-conscious laugh]

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[with an argumentative tone, shaking her head in disbelief] Rodney...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You know, I just don't want things to be awkward between the two of us, you know, uh... [pauses and shifts eyes] Kind of like they are now.

Colonel Samantha Carter:
[frustrated sigh] Rodney, [pauses] I'm sure we'll be fine.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, of course, I just... [gestures to self] I'll be fine, I'm just... [gestures to Carter] with you... [Ronan walks in, interrupting and saving him]

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF:
That was a waste of a perfectly good explanation.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[he is talking about the ZPM] Zed-P.M.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF:
What?

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
Zee-P.M. He's Canadian.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Doctor Beckett should be proud he's genetically advanced.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's not more advanced. It-it is a random characteristic.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
This really bothers you, this whole gene thing, huh?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[sarcastically] Oh, clearly I am overcome with envy.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Then you don't even know about the Stargate.

Major John Sheppard:
The what?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Major, think about where we are in the solar system.

Major John Sheppard:
What's the mask you've got on?

Wex:
This? Wraith.

Major John Sheppard:
Wraith? What's that?

Jinto:
You don't know?

Wex:
What world did you come from?

Jinto:
Can we go there?

Major John Sheppard:
Afraid not. I'm from a galaxy far, far away.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh. So the story of Atlantis is true. A great city that sank in the ocean.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
It just didn't happen on Earth.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Sensors say there's oxygen, no measurable toxins. We have viable life support. Looks like we're not getting out of this.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[they're running out of energy] Using power, using power, using power.

Major John Sheppard:
On the surface without a shield? We're target practice.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm acutely aware of that, Major, but thank you for reinforcing it.

Major John Sheppard:
When can you tell me where the Wraith took Colonel Sumner and the others?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Even with the six symbols Lieutenant Ford provided there are still hundreds of permutations.

Major John Sheppard:
Seven hundred and twenty.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes. I knew that of course. I'm just surprised you did.

Major John Sheppard:
Take away the coordinates you can't get a lock on, and that's your one. When you find it, send a MALP.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
[about Teyla] How come I never make friends like that?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You need to get out more.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
We're in another galaxy - how much more out can you get?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Is there lemon in this?

Daniel Jackson, Ph. D.:
Jack, if it's not too late for me to go...

General Jack O'Neill USAF:
No.

Daniel Jackson, Ph. D.:
...I'd just grab my...

General Jack O'Neill USAF:
No!

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
[Quickly walks in while McKay and Weir are talking] Ahh, just the people I need to see! [quickly walks out. McKay and Weir look at each other]

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
[slowly walks back in] Come with me.

Major John Sheppard:
[after almost being blown up by a drone] Well, that was different.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF:
For me, not so much.

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
Jack.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF:
Daniel. [almost killed by a drone] Warm welcome.

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
It wasn't me. How'd you manage to...

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF:
Keep my ass from getting blown out of the sky? The exceptional flying of Major John Sheppard. He *likes* it here.

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
Exceptional. You like it here?

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF:
What say we cut to the part where you start talking real fast?

Major John Sheppard:
So some people have the same genes as these Ancients.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
The specific gene is very rare. But on the whole they look very much like we do. In fact, they were first. We're the second evolution of this form. The Ancients having explored this galaxy for millions of years before - [Sheppard sits in the chair] Major, please don't.

Major John Sheppard:
Come on. What are the odds of me having the same genes as these guys? [Chair powers up]

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Quite slim, actually. Dr. Weir!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
There's nothing to be afraid of!

Dr. Carson Beckett:
You don't understand - I break things like that!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
This device has survived intact for millions of years - it will survive you. Now sit down, shut your eyes and concentrate!

Maj. John Sheppard:
It almost smells like I'm on vacation.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[putting on sunscreen lotion] Could it be the simulated tropical aroma of cocoa butter?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Strong enough for anyone within five miles to smell you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Like they haven't been tipped off by the Aqua Velva.

Maj. John Sheppard:
It's dark.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, well the sun will be up in 2 hours, 43 minutes and... 10 seconds.

Maj. John Sheppard:
It's raining.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
So we'll be cold and miserable. Look, the cloud cover will depreciate a small percentage of UV rays but 95 per cent of deadly is still deadly.

Major Lorne:
Dr Parrish said a day or two of exposure wasn't going to kill us.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
And Dr Parrish has a PhD in what? Right, botany!

Major Lorne:
Wow, you must really be some kind of genius.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, as a matter of fact I... eh, wait a minute, why would you say that now?

Major Lorne:
Something has to have kept Colonel Sheppard from shooting you all this time.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What kind of special training do you guys have to go through to get this sort of mission?

Major Lorne:
You guys?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, you know... Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines. It's a great place to start.

Major Lorne:
And by "this mission" you mean hunting down a skilled weapons expert hopped up on Wraith drugs in the pitch black of an alien planet?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes.

Major Lorne:
Actually, I skipped that course in Major School.

Major Lorne:
I was hoping Lieutenant Ford might recognize a friendly face and just turn himself in.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What, you mean me?

Major Lorne:
Well you were friends, weren't you?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh yeah, when we weren't out on harrowing missions we used to hang out together. I'd share my dreams of a self-sustaining fusion and he would talk of how you could sever a man's torso with a P90.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
By my calculation we have been exposed to 327 millisieverts since the sun came up. May not sound like much to you, but I've been keeping a running tally of my lifetime exposure to radiation. X-rays, cellphones, plane rides, the whole unfortunate Genii nuclear reactor thing. My God, last week we flew dangerously close to the corona of a sun. As it is I may have to forgo reproducing.

Major Lorne:
Yeah, it's funny. I was just thinking that might be wise.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Word of caution? The whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic to say the least, let alone morally dubious.

Major John Sheppard:
What routine?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
The romancing of the alien priestess? It's very 1967 of you. Actually, I'm surprised...

Major John Sheppard:
[interrupting Rodney] If and when anything I do becomes your business...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It becomes my business, Major, when an alien woman who is clearly not who she claims to be has the ranking military officer wrapped around her little finger!

Major John Sheppard:
Don't go there, McKay.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm sorry - I know I'm not normally Mr Sensitive, but you gotta believe me when I say there is something about her. I know it's intangible but I can feel it.

Major John Sheppard:
I said don't go there!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It's just a matter of time before I prove it, Major. I'm just recommending that in the meantime you keep your... [Chaya Sar appears and he shuts up]

Chaya Sar:
I am what you call an Ancient and it is also true that I can never offer your people sanctuary. But you are wrong about as to why I came here.

Major John Sheppard:
Why did you come here?

Chaya Sar:
You, John.

Major John Sheppard:
Me?

Chaya Sar:
I have lived in solitude for so long that when you asked me to come to Atlantis, I...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh my god, he is Kirk!

Dr. Carson Beckett:
You have an arrow, Rodney, in your Gluteus Maximus.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[on lots of morphine] That sounds painful.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to himself] Gluteus Maximus... gluteus maximus...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh my god! That's my ass!

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Aye.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[referring to calling Ronon "Caveman"] It's a nickname. Buddies have nicknames!

Dr. Carson Beckett:
So now you're buddies?

Ronon Dex:
Which one of you killed the Wraith?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
I did.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
My idea!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to Major Lorne] Have you seen a guy? He looks kind of like you only he has funny hair. I think I lost him. And a pretty girl. And a caveman.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You, Elizabeth, Ronon, Carson and even Rodney are the closest thing I have to...

Teyla Emmagan:
A Family.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I'd do anything for you guys.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
How about I leave the bad jokes to you and the brilliant scientific ideas to me.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
McKay?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Over here.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You know, we take for granted all of the simple things in life... like sitting.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I don't envy you. Must be a pain in the ass.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hah. How long have you been thinking of that one?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Longer than I'd like to admit.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Something wrong?

Ronon Dex:
I have a bad feeling.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I always feel like that. Like something horrible is about to happen.

Teyla Emmagan:
How do you live?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I get used to it. Thing is, when someone else also has that feeling, mine gets worse.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[screaming after being shot in the butt with an arrow] That did not just happen!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, my God, it hurts! I can't feel me leg!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Pain or numbness?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Both!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Look... I can't say the Wraith won't be back here again, but I can promise you they're not coming back here because of him.

Keturah:
No. Not once we've sacrificed the Wraithbringer to his masters.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
He prefers 'Ronon.' Probably also prefers not to be sacrificed to the Wraith.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
So many colors... all the pretty horses.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
What's he talking about?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
I gave him some morphine for the pain.

Airman:
I need to know how many villagers. How far is the gate from the village?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Have you seen a guy around? He looks like you, but he's got messy hair. I think I lost him somewhere. And - and a pretty woman, and a caveman.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
I may have given him a wee bit too much.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Excuse me? Why am I lying here?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
You have an arrow, Rodney, in your gluteus maximus.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh. Well, that sounds painful. [sighs] Gluteus maximus... Glootus... maa... ximus. Oh, my God. That's my ass, isn't it?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Aye.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
McKay?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[from the floor] I'm here. You know... you really don't appreciate the simple things in life. Like... sitting.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I don't envy you. It must be a real pain in the ass.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Aw... how long did you work on that?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Longer than I care to admit.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
But these sensors only cover a small corner of the galaxy.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Unless they're calibrated to pick up a signal using subspace. How about I leave the bad jokes to you, and you leave the brilliant science stuff to me?

Colonel Steven Caldwell:
I won't bail you out if you get in trouble.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You say that as if we're always getting in trouble.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Look, Teyla... I'm not really good at, uh... actually, I'm... I'm terrible at expressing... I don't know what you'd call it, uh...

Teyla Emmagan:
Feelings?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Yeah, sure, okay. The point is, I don't really have good, uh...

Teyla Emmagan:
Social skills?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, that is why I enjoyed flying choppers in the most remote part of my world before all this craziness happened, but, uh, you should know, I don't have, uh...

Teyla Emmagan:
Friends?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No. I have friends.

[pauses]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You, Elizabeth, Ronon, Carson, even Rodney, are the closest thing I have to a...

Teyla Emmagan:
A family?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I'd do anything... for any one of you. If I had to give up my life the way Ronon was going to, I would.

[gets up from the table and starts to leave]

Teyla Emmagan:
Thank you. For everything you... meant to say.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What is going on down there? You have at least twenty-five Wraith closing in on your position from ground level.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
It seems Ronon doesn't want to leave.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, too bad! You tell that ungrateful example of unevolved humanity that we came all this way to rescue him, so he'd better get off his...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
McKay says he's very hurt you won't come with us.

Ronon Dex:
I'm gonna kill the Wraith responsible for all this.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I don't suppose he happens to be one of the ones out there that's about to come in here?

Ronon Dex:
No.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I don't know, killing a bunch of Wraith always seems like a good idea to me.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Where do you think you're going?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
I'm going to help them.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What are you, crazy? You're a doctor!

Dr. Carson Beckett:
What does that have to do with it? [Rodney tries to take the gun] What are you doing?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm going.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
You can barely walk.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I can walk fine. I just can't sit.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
And you're a terrible shot.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, what, and you're Rambo now?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
There's more than one gun, we can both bloody go.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, well someone has to stay with the jumper...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[over the radio] That's it. We got 'em all. McKay?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[checks the HUD] Yeah, it's just you guys left. Well, that was quick.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, I got six. Teyla got...

Teyla Emmagan:
Eight.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I got nine, Teyla got eight, Ronon got the rest.

Ronon Dex:
You kill him before I do, I kill you.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
What if he kills you first?

Ronon Dex:
Then you kill him.

Ronon Dex:
Which one of you killed the Wraith?

Dr. Carson Beckett:
[smiles proudly] That would be me.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
My idea.

Teyla Emmagan:
Ronon...

Dr. Carson Beckett:
What?

[worried]

Dr. Carson Beckett:
Don't tell me you're not happy that he's dead.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I had him in my sights, but Ronon said he'd kill me if I shot him.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
It was all Beckett's idea.

Ronon Dex:
[hugs Carson] Thanks, doc.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What, him you thank?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I could've killed him at any time, but Teyla wouldn't let me.

Ronon Dex:
Thank you. All of you.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, don't mention it.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
It's nothing, really. I only killed eleven, twelve Wraith.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
How about you sit down and I get that tracking device out of you and de-activated before that hive ship gets a bead on us? I take it this time you won't mind if I give you a sedative? [Ronon passes out and falls to the floor] Or not.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
So there are seven runners?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
We can't be certain. But I bet that's Ronon.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
How do you know?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Because that's Sateda, Ronon's home planet.

Teyla Emmagan:
As we had suspected, the deal did not go as planned.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What the hell is going on down there?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Ronon thinks he can get the head Wraith responsible for all this to come down and fight him if we kill all these Wraith first.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I don't know. Killing a bunch of Wraith always seems like a good idea to me.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
They outnumber you 25 to 3.

Dr. Carson Beckett:
It's actually 22 to 3... 21...

Teyla Emmagan:
And Ronon appears to be quite angry.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, that evens it out.

Col. Steven Caldwell:
[after Sheppard informs him of the successful rescue] Major Marks, please make that ship go away.

[when the Daedalus is finally able to destroy Michael's cruser]

Col. Steven Caldwell:
Major Marks, please make that ship go away.

[right before Sheppard is about to go into surgery]

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Ready?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Ready! From what I understand, I don't actually have to do anything

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
Well, that's right, you just have to lie still and, let me play with your insides.

[she laughs, but everone else just stares at her]

Dr. Jennifer Keller:
...Sorry

[when Teyla is in labor with her son]

Teyla Emmagan:
You need to catch him!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
What!?

Teyla Emmagan:
You need to catch him, when I push him out!!!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, God. Just, under hand him okay, I've never been good at baseball.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I'm gonna stop making fun of combat engineers as of today, I promise. Harris up there with you?

Muffled voice:
Yes, he's here. Don't worry, we'll have you out soon.

Ronon Dex:
I thought Harris was on leave until next month.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[Sheppard nods] If we get out of here, beer's on me, boys. What do you like, uh, Duff Beer or Oprah Ale?

Muffled voice:
Duff.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, they don't watch The Simpsons or drink beer.

Ronon Dex:
If we don't find anything out here, this is gonna be your last known location.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, zing!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[talking about wraith cruiser's command console] It's not accepting commands of any kind. There must be some kind of a command code that needs to be entered.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Can you figure it out?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yes, well, the command codes used are quite simple like the number 1 or the letter A, like in Wraith, which would be ...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Can you figure out the code or not?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No, not if I stood here and tried for a million years... [looks at his wristwatch]... and we have just under a million years less than that.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
You should be able to traverse the distance between here and the cruiser.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You mean *we*.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Um, yes, of course. We

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You're breathing too hard.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Oh, forgive me for being aware of exactly how much pressure is being exerted on this suit right now.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Just think of it as a walk on the beach - a beach that's about to explode.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
That's supposed to make me feel better?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
No, it's supposed to make you walk faster. We're on the clock here.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Hey, that took too long.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Yeah, well, I probably won't be able to disarm the self-destruct in time anyway, so we're really not in a rush.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Why don't we find it first, and *then* you can be negative?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
The ship is remarkably preserved.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You'd think after ten thousand years, she'd want to redecorate.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I'm serious. The hull damage is minimal. They probably just lost their main drive.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
You're saying this thing is salvageable?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hmm, I'd have to assess damage to primary systems but it's not completely out of the question. Of course, you'd probably just go and blow it up or slam it into a hive ship or something, and all that work'd be for nothing.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Tick, tick, tick.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Well, you're a hell of a swimmer, I'll give you that.

Wraith Queen:
You have restored power?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
It'll fly.

Wraith Queen:
[the Queen disables the self-destruct device] You shall be rewarded... with a quick death.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[Rodney appears and shoots the Queen] She's not dying according to plan here!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
[John shoots her and the Queen falls onto the ground. John meets Rodney] I thought you'd forgotten about me!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Of course not! I just had to wait for her to disable the device. Hey, just be thankful she didn't feed on you before she entered the command code.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Oh, *that's* why you didn't wanna be bait!

Dr. Rodney McKay:
No-no-no-no. *You* had to be bait because she was expecting you to be the one trying to fly the ship.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[Rodney looks at the Queen, who is lying on the floor] She *is* dead, right?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Let's get outta here.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Oh... wait a sec. Do you have a hot date?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.:
What? How did you know that?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
I was joking, but I was right. Who is it?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Are you datin' anyone?

Ronon Dex:
You mean like a woman?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
Or a man.

Ronon Dex:
[Asking Sheppard about golf] So that's the sport, you just hit a little ball as far as you can?

Maj. John Sheppard:
First, it's a game and no, it's a little more complicated than that. See there are 18 holes all made of varying length and dimensions. First goal is to hit the ball through a series of water and sand hazards 'till you land on the green, then you putt the ball into the hole.

Ronon Dex:
[Looking at the ocean] So this is a water hazard.

Carson Beckett M. D.:
Rodney and I are heading to the mainland to catch a fish that seems to be just like a trout. Care to join us? Sport of kings.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:
I thought horse racing was the sport of kings?

Carson Beckett M. D.:
For the boring kings, maybe.

Teyla Emmagan:
You suspect an athosian?

Maj. John Sheppard:
Dr. Weir wants to meet them that's all, it's not personal. Well I mean it is, in the sense that she wants to meet them all personal.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[Talking about food rations] We have to make do. If that means you have to eat my favorite food two days in a row, so be it.

Dr. Zelenka:
You enjoy military rations?

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I know, it's weird, hospital food too. Only reason I don't like airplane food is you can't get seconds.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Well? Good stuff?

Side Character:
I can't begin to tell you how fascinating this is.

Maj. John Sheppard:
Anthropologist fascinating or actual fascinating?