The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Andy:
I actually might be gay.

Andy:
I'm a virgin. I always have been.

Andy:
I've borked a lot of women in my day.

Andy:
Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?

Andy:
I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm putting my bike in it.

Andy:
[high pitched voice] Me so horny. Me love you long time.

Andy:
I may not have had sex but I could f##k you up!...Y-yeah!

Andy:
[Andy painting a toy soldier of a Zouave] And now I am going to make your silver pants blue.

Andy:
You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them!

Andy:
[After crashing through a billboard on his bike] There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally.

Andy:
You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's... and you feel it and... it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it.

Andy:
Is this that movie about babies that are geniuses?

Andy:
Yup. She was a ho. [Pause] For sho.

Andy:
[After being accused by Jay's girlfriend about writing rude comments on his speed dating card] Look, who are you to put me on trial, I've never even met you. So why don't you back off, and stop with the inquisition? Ya know what, I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my Mouth. Know what I sayin'? So, man, Listen to it. You should keep your ho on a leash. Hey, b*tches be runnin' wild, man.

Andy:
[drunk] I need some pooooon!

Andy:
[drinking punch from glass shaped like Buddha] Buddha punch. I need some Buddha.

David:
[Watching The Bourne Identity] You know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but I think he's rockin' the sh*t in this one!

David:
[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist.

David:
[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again] It looks like the Doppler Radar

David:
[About his ex] She was adorable... f***in' b*tch.

David:
I just want to get drunk, f***ed up, and play some cards!

David:
If I have to hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm gonna "Yah Mo" burn this place to the ground.

David:
[Trying to get Andy to keep the porn] Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy! For the last time, I don't want to watch "School of Cock" with you!

David:
[Bitter about his ex, video taping his butt] You miss that ass? That's the ass of a free man. That ass is going out tonight, maybe to a club, maybe a night club.

David:
[To Amy at Date-A-Palooza] I wanna take you under the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.

David:
[Digging through the box of porn] And this is...this is "Everybody Loves Raymond"...This probably shouldn't be in here...This is just a good show, I just tape this sometimes.

David:
[Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little b*tch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love.

David:
[David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain and it's...you know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight and then you call them a bunch of times and you try and email and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.

David:
Look, I dated this girl, and it was the best four months of my life. Then she went down on this guy, in an Escalade, I think.

David:
You know how I know you're gay? You like Asia.

David:
You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face."

Cal:
He's a really nice guy and all but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.

Cal:
[referring to letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...

Cal:
I touched a kids balls in Hebrew school once.

Cal:
You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you f*** the plant!

Cal:
I'll tell you who's the hottest. Now you're gonna think I'm crazy when I tell you this; Gina. I can't get Gina outta' my head. I'm gonna be thinking of Gina all week.

Cal:
I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk. Do you realize that the 300 pound guy would kick my ass if he knew why he wasn't hired?

Cal:
[To Amy] You need to stop f***in' around with my friend because you're giving him hope and it's driving the man crazy!

Cal:
Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman f***in' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking "Oh, a woman f***in' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.

Cal:
Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad, though.

Cal:
Looks aren't important. Look at me. Really look at me. I am ugly as f***, by traditional standards, but I still get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?

Cal:
[To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions, don't say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool and three, be kind of a dick. Look be like David Caruso in "Jade".

Cal:
[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, f*** her on her plastic-covered couch...f*** her while she's watching "Murder She Wrote". She would probably find that very erotic...f*** her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.

Cal:
Because I observe things, because I am a novelist.

Cal:
[reading his novel aloud while typing it] "But dad..I don't know how to love..you never taught..taaaught me how.."

Cal:
[after Andy tells him he's going to tell Trish he's a virgin] You should totally tell her, man...'Cause I watched this movie called Liar, Liar and the message was "Don't lie."...and that was a smart movie.

Cal:
You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PMs and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.

Jay:
All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a tiger knows how to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk b*tches."

Jay:
You're puttin' the p*ssy on a pedestal.

Jay:
From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some p*ssy.

Jay:
Dude, it's not big deal if you like to f*** guys. I'm cool, I got friends who f*** guys...in jail.

Jay:
[Watching Dawn of the Dead] Whoa! F*** that nigga up! B*tch, get out of room! B*tch, get out the room!

Jay:
[Arguing with Mooj] Why are you always telling me to go f*** a goat, man?

Jay:
You're making the p*ssy into this great big Greek goddess named 'Pussalia' and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into to thinking that it's some impossible feat.

Jay:
Look, you're about to cram like...10 years of pimpage into one day. Partner, after that....you're on my level.

Jay:
Baby, I'm Dr. Montalbaun.

Jay:
[The day after the poker game when Andy walks into the store. The wall of TVs shows a video of women in bathing suits washing cars] Andy is goin' down, partner! We're gonna be [starts humping air] This is for you partner, this is for you! [referring to the women on the screen] Waves of them are gonna be comin' at you on Friday, Saturday. By Sunday yo nuts gonna be drained!

Jay:
I literally lubed up and made love to the arches of her feet.

Jay:
Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg.

Mooj:
Rich man gets off work, then buys stereo. Not after f***ing brunch!

Mooj:
Go f*** a goat.

Mooj:
Everybody's dick look big on 60-inch TV. My sister's dick look big on TV.

Mooj:
This is hogshit. You're a f***ing a**hole to tell me to come here and tell me he was a nice guy didn't you? Well Scram, you people, you, you, you, and you, (points at Andy, Cal and Jay) Go and kiss my big brown butt okay!

Mooj:
[after Andy gets promoted to Floor Manager] This is the Floor of all Woods! You scumbag! Ass kisser!

Mooj:
I will pray for your cock

Mooj:
Tell me, when your son is born, is he already on parole?

Mooj:
Life is about love and passion.

Mooj:
Is not about cock and ass and tits and butthole pleasures. It's not about this rusty trombone, dirty Sanchez... th-the Cincinnati bowtie and the p*ssy-juice cocktail, and the... sh*t-stained balls. Its about love Its about connection.

Haziz:
Do you know how I know you're gay f*ggot? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.

Haziz:
So, tell me Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, al Qaeda?

Haziz:
Hey, Will and Grace! Back to work!

Haziz:
[While Jay is arguing with a Black customer] Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by.

Haziz:
Hey, Andy! We're gonna have to get you some poonanny!

Haziz:
It's a free country, Bambi. I can smoke out here if I want to.

Paula:
[About David's video camera antics] He's performing a public colonoscopy. Isn't that sweet?

Paula:
I'm very discreet...but I'll haunt your dreams..

Mark:
[Finding Andy on Trish's bed with a dozen condoms open] Dude, teach me!

Nicky:
[Driving drunk, nearly hits a parked car] That f***er came out of nowhere!

Nicky:
I'm starving, let's get some f***in' french toast!

Nicky:
Do you think I'm pretty?

Joe:
[About Andy] That boy need to get *laid*!

Motorist:
Get the f*** out of the road virgin!

Andy's college girlfriend:
[after accidentally kicking her in the face during foreplay] I'm hot! But, now, you can't have any of this. You should just give up forever!

Jill:
Are you Andy?

Andy:
Uhh, yeah.

Jill:
Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?

Jay:
My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card..

Andy:
Oh-h-h, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card; thank you so much for bringing it to me.

Jill:
So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?

Andy:
Umm, yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.

Jill:
Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'"?

Andy:
Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho... for show.

Jill:
You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a b*tch!

Andy:
Who the--Who the f*** are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the sh*t off, all right, and stop with the inquisition?

Jill:
That's how you talk?

Andy:
You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my b*tch. Know what I sayin'? So, sh*t, man, f*** it!

Jill:
You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.

Jay:
I don't hang out with him! I work with him, and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess with him baby. That's not me.

Andy:
You should keep your ho on a leash.

Jay:
Oh, bro I can't let you talk. I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.

Andy:
Hey, hey, hey, b*tches is runnin' wild, man.

Trish:
What is this, your roofie, your date drug?

Andy:
It's a Mentos. They're the fresh-maker.

Andy:
She has three kids and one of her kids has a kid.

[Cal starts coughing on his marijuana]

Andy:
You all right?

Cal:
Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?

Andy:
Yeah.

Cal:
So, so she's a grandma.

Andy:
No.

Cal:
I'm not a doctor or anything like that but she's a f***ing grandma.

Andy:
Yeah, whatever, you know.

Cal:
She's the hottest grandma I ever saw.

Andy:
Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma!

Cal:
That's a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance.

Andy:
Well, she's no Jack Palance.

Cal:
No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to f*** Jack Palance right now.

Jay:
I'm sick of you poaching my customers.

Mooj:
I'm sick of your cry baby bullshit.

Jay:
You wanna take this sh*t outside? Just take it outside and squash it?

Mooj:
Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a p*ssy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.

Jay:
Look, listen to me. You are f***ing with the wrong n*gger.

Mooj:
Hey! You're f***ing with the wrong sand-n*gger, okay?

Jay:
Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban.

Mooj:
Turban now? Do you see any f***ing turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?" F*** you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a f***ing Brooklyn accent, okay?! Okay?!

Andy:
Wow, this place is crowded.

David:
Yeah, well, you know, nine dollar beer night.

[Mooj has found out Andy is a virgin; extended DVD version]

Mooj:
Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a p*ssy magnet. You are, ah, what are you, 25?

Andy:
I'm 40.

Mooj:
Holy sh*t man! You gotta get on that. Life isn't about sex. Life is about children, and passion, and spirit!

Andy:
Yeah, life's about passion.

Mooj:
It's not about f***ing and balls and p*ssy. It's about love.

Andy:
{sighs}

Mooj:
It's about people. It's about connection.

Andy:
(nodding) It's all about connections.

Mooj:
It's not about tossing salad. It's not about cock and ass and tits.

Andy:
(uncomfortable) Hm-hmm.

Mooj:
And butt hole pleasures.

Andy:
It's not about butt hole pleasures at all.

Mooj:
It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl and pearl necklace, or p*ssy juice cocktails, and the jagged-head d*ldos, and the double-decker pussies.

Andy:
(scared) OK. I, y'know, double pussies and--

Mooj:
Sh*t stained balls, and cum swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator f*** house, donkey-punching, the tea-bagging--

Andy:
Mooj, just please stop.

Andy:
You guys, she's picking me up in a hour.

David:
Oh, drag, dude.

Cal:
She's picking you up from here?

Andy:
Yeah.

Cal:
That's f***ed up, man.

Andy:
Why?

Cal:
Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? "Look! He's got a billion toys!"

Andy:
So what?

Cal:
And more video games than a teenage Asian kid.

Andy:
Okay.

Cal:
[Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's Boss?

Andy:
That's Oscar Goldman.

Cal:
Why do you have that?

Andy:
That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.

Cal:
Well, that may be the case, but none of this sh*t is sexy, okay?

Andy:
I'm not trying to be sexy, man.

Cal:
[Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?

Andy:
They did not laugh at me.

David:
Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.

Andy:
You guys, cool it with the gay! You know, she on her way here, okay?

Cal:
First, you relax, okay?

Andy:
Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.

Cal:
Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.

[Cal and Andy are looking at the exposed thong underwear of a girl who works in a bookstore]

Andy:
There's something wrong with her underwear.

Cal:
Yeah, they're not in my mouth.

[Andy is getting his chest waxed and gets wax over his nipple]

Andy:
Hold my hand.

Cal:
What?! No.

Andy:
Hold my god damn hand, man!

[girl tears off the patch]

Andy:
Nipple f***!!

[Cal angrily flicks David in the nuts after refusing to talk to Bernadette]

David:
Did you just flick me in the nuts?

Cal:
No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be.

[Flicks him again]

David:
Ow! Quit flickin' my balls man!

Cal:
Okay, I'll stop flickin' your balls. But I'll start punching your nuts!

[Cal punches him in the crotch then slaps him in the face]

David:
Oh!

[punches David in the shoulder]

David:
Okay.

[tugs on David's ear]

David:
Well played, sir.

Jay:
[holding a pair of baby shoes] Mooj, you done seen my son, you know his foot's gonna be bigger than this.

Mooj:
If that baby looks Pakistani, don't f***in' look at me, okay?

Jay:
I wouldn't mind! You got good genes! How old are you? What, 138?

Mooj:
When your son is born, is he already in parole?

Andy:
[referring to his shirt] Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow?

Cal:
No. What's Curious George like in real life?

David:
You know sometimes, Amy and I would make love and it was almost like we weren't two people. We were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can't-can't describe it, time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.

Jay:
Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears sh*t! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that sh*t!

[at the Date-A-Palooza]

Girl:
Hi!

Andy:
Hi, how are you?

Girl:
I'm fine.

Andy:
Are you fine?

Girl:
Yeah.

Andy:
You're fine then.

Girl:
Are you f***in' retarded?! What the hell's the matter with you?!

Andy:
Do you want me to be f***in' retarded?

Cal:
Here's what you do: you tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this sh*t. Okay? Here, here, tell me. This is how's it gonna go down. Tell me.

Andy:
I'm a virgin.

Cal:
"Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that sh*t is everywhere."

Andy:
What if she laughs at me though?

Cal:
Then you punch her in the f***in' head if she laughs!

Andy:
I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.

Cal:
No, you punch her in the f***in' head emotionally.

Ebay store customer:
So, I guess I'll just give you some money, and you can give me these shoes and--

Trish:
You know, I know it seems so strange--

Ebay store customer:
Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up.

Trish:
Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but--

Ebay store customer:
I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them.

Operator:
Hotline.

Andy:
Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.

Operator:
How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?

Andy:
I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.

Operator:
You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.

Andy:
Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.

Operator:
Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.

Andy:
Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--

Operator:
There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.

Andy:
Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.

Operator:
You know, you could have sex.

Andy:
Okay. Yup.

Operator:
That's one thing people do when they have an erection.

Andy:
Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.

Operator:
Okay, well, then you can masturbate.

Andy:
I'd rather not masturbate.

Operator:
If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.

Andy:
Really? That'd work?

Operator:
Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.

Andy:
Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.

Operator:
It is a trick we use in India.

Andy:
Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.

Operator:
We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!

Andy:
No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.

Jay:
Dude, are you gay?

Andy:
No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.

Cal:
I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.

Jay:
Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to f*** guys. I'm cool. I got friends who f*** guys, in jail.

Jay:
Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who's falling down on her way out of the bar that you should probably drive.

Andy:
I drive a bike.

Jay:
Okay, Mr. Schwinn-f***ing-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?

Andy:
You know what,I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.

Cal:
Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're f***ing six!

[after kissing Andy while driving drunk]

Nicky:
That tasted good!

Andy:
That tasted like shellfish.

[at a bachelorette party]

Jay:
[using a Black dildo as a phone] Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.

Cal:
[Holding up a blue and white striped dildo] Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Seuss' penis. "I really mean this."

Andy:
[holds up a penis shaped cake tray] Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?

Nicky:
I do!

Cal:
She does!

Andy:
Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker!

[Beth and Andy are drunk at her place]

Andy:
You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.

Beth:
Yes! Let's have sex.

Andy:
It's going to happen.

Beth:
That's why we are here.

Andy:
That's totally what's going to happen.

Beth:
We could do it in the butt, if you want to.

Andy:
But, if I want to what?

Beth:
Butt.

Andy:
But what? What?

Beth:
Do it.

Andy:
Do it?

Beth:
What?

Andy:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Beth:
Butt.

Andy:
But, what?

Beth:
What?

Andy:
But, it still feels so right.

[the night after Jay gets Andy a hooker who turns out to be a transvestite]

Jay:
Wait, how do you know she was a transvestite?

Andy:
Because her hands were as big as Andre The Giant's. And her Adam's apple was as big as her balls.

Jay:
So you have no proof.

Beth:
Can I help you?

Andy:
I don't know. Can you?

Beth:
Are you looking for something?

Andy:
Is there something I should be looking for?

Beth:
We have a lot of books. So, maybe it depends on what you like.

Andy:
What do you like?

Beth:
We have a great section of...do-it-yourself.

Andy:
Do you like to "do it yourself"?

Beth:
Sometimes. I mean...if the mood strikes.

Andy:
How is the mood striking you now?

[they both laugh]

Beth:
What's your name?

Andy:
What's your name?

Beth:
I'm Beth.

Andy:
Andy.

Beth:
Andy. Don't tell on me, okay, Andy?

Andy:
I won't. Unless you want to be told on...Beth.

Better Late Than Never

The Longer You Wait The Harder It Gets

Cal:
[to Andy] We came because we were concerned about you and Trish [spots the naked Beth in her tub] and now I could not give a f***.

David:
Remember that time when we made love and you cried in my arms?

Amy:
Please don't reminisce about the times we f***ed, please. It's so creepy.

David:
Let's go to Paris. I want to take you underneath the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.

Amy:
Cut it out!

David:
Cut what out?! Let's go to Paris!

Amy:
We've been broken up for like two years, man! I don't want to date you anymore!

David:
You're a whore!

Amy:
I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!

David:
This is so us!

Amy:
Psycho talk!

David:
What?!

Gina:
You're a good-looking man.

Andy:
Thank you.

Gina:
Very pretty. Real soft, delicate features. You're real feminine, you know, which is good for me... because that would be a simple sort of transition. You know what I'm saying? Maybe throw a little rouge on you, tuck your sac back. You game?

Andy:
No.

Cal:
You need to stop f***ing around with my friend, okay? Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy.

Amy:
I moved, I changed my e-mail address, my phone number. He's practically stalking me.

Cal:
Well, I didn't know all that! So, I'm sorry!