The Critic

Theater Clerk:
Excuse me, the show's over.

Alice Tompkins:
Get away, pipsqueak!

Jay Sherman:
That's why I love her!

Jay Sherman:
[finishing a movie review]... and that's why Goldie Hawn should be shot!

Franklin:
I have a new girlfriend for you, son. Her name is Barbie and she lives in Mali-boo. She already has a boyfriend named Ken, but he's not much of a man, [whispering]... I checked.

[End Credits]

Usher:
Excuse me, sir. The show's over.

Jay Sherman:
Is the snack bar still open?

[repeated line]

Jay Sherman:
It stinks!

[repeated line]

Jay Sherman:
Hotchie Motchie!

Jay Sherman:
Celebrity voices are impersonated. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.

Jay Sherman:
[Driving a truck] I've got to keep driving, I can't stop for anything!

Roadside Farmer:
Meet Ingmar Bergman, 25 cents!

Jay Sherman:
[Disappointed] Oh... [Keeps on driving]

Roadside Farmer:
[to Bergman]Well, you'd best get back to the strawberry patch with Polanski and Bertolucci.

Theater Employee:
Excuse me, sir. The movie's over.

Jay Sherman:
I'm stuck in the chair!

Alice Thompkins:
Listen to your heart.

Jay Sherman:
Everybody always says that.

Jay's Stomach:
Nobody ever listens to me!

Dressmaker:
We dressmakers have a very strict code, so I need to know. Do you deserve to wear virginial white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off white, what we call a "hussy white". So which will it be? White white?

Margo Sherman:
Yes... um, except for the gloves.

Theater Employee:
Excuse me sir, the show is over.

Jay Sherman:
But I have nowhere to go...

Franklin Sherman:
Why, hello, judge. Didn't I appoint you?

Judge:
No, you appointed Mr. Potato Head, but the voters recalled him.

Judge:
Don't answer the question!

Duke Phillips:
Dammit, I'm going to answer the question! Yes, I sold the mustard gas to Gaddafi!

Prosecutor:
Sir, this is the Jay Sherman trial.

Duke Phillips:
I... Mean... oh, mustard... gives me gas, as does taffy.

Judge:
I have the same trouble with fresh fruit.

Jay Sherman:
So... Ardeth... How's my favorite ex-wife?

Ardeth:
The judge says every time you speak to me it'll cost you a hundred dollars.

Jay Sherman:
Here's TWO hundred. Get bent!

Jay Sherman:
Musicians don't have to be handsome, and do they get beautiful women? Let me say just two words to you: Lyle Lovett.

Marty Sherman:
I thought he was handsome.

Jay Sherman:
No, you're thinking of Jon Lovitz, and I agree. With his sephardic good looks, he takes the cake.

[Duke has just revamped Jay's show in an attempt to raise ratings, with Jay acting as a ventriloquist's dummy]

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:
Welcome to "Coming Attractions." I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and this is Little Knothead.

Jay Sherman:
This is so demeaning. I have a PhD in film!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:
Okay, Dr. Knothead, why don't you sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" while I drink a glass of water.

Jay Sherman:
[singing] John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / That's my name too! I spit in the water.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:
[spits water] Knothead!

Franklin Sherman:
[the Shermans are watching] Didn't we used to have a Knothead doll?

Eleanor Sherman:
That was our son!

Duke Phillips:
[shouting from office window] Hey, idiot, you're fired!

Reporter:
I'm off like a prom dress!

Duke Phillips:
Jay, your butt saved my butt. And I hope that's the only interaction they'll ever have.

Jay Sherman:
Mom, Dad, I never made you laugh?

Franklin:
Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.

Eleanor:
No, Franklin, that was the Roadrunner.

Jay Sherman:
No, that was me.

[Jay gets struck in the head with a shotput]

Jay Sherman:
Skull cracked... Brains leaking out... Can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie...

[on phone]

Al Pacino:
HOO-HAH! Jay, it's Al Pacino. HOO-HAH! I can't stop saying HOO-HAH! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part HOO-HAH!

Jay Sherman:
You are an insipid, walking commercial, and your cereal turned my urine pink!

Humphrey the Hippo:
Well, you have to eat six bowls for that to happen!

Jay Sherman:
Yes, yes, and a gallon of chocolate milk. But that's not the point.

Margo:
Debutant balls are outdated, elitist, and sexist. You said so yourself in your review of Boyz n the Hood.

Jay Sherman:
Yeah, but I was really off a tangent that day.

Duke Phillips:
You know why nobody watches your show?

Jay Sherman:
Because it's intelligent?

Duke Phillips:
Well, that's one of your problems.

[Eleanor is showing an old news reel featuring her coming out at a d?butante ball and J. Edgar Hoover in drag]

Jay Sherman:
Hey, look, Mom. You and Hoover came out on the same day.

Eleanor Sherman:
Don't you say that about your Uncle Edgar!

Jay Sherman:
God love her, Mom, I couldn't change her mind. But you should be proud she has your will.

Eleanor Sherman:
She may have my will, but she doesn't have my gun!

Dressmaker:
Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey!

Eleanor:
I forgot what a marvelous dancer you are.

Franklin:
And I forgot to turn the oven off.

[scene cuts to the Sherman Mansion, now on fire]

Shakleford:
Burn, baby, burn!

[phone rings]

Jay Sherman:
Hello?

Doris:
Jay, it's Doris. I'm at the morgue. Could you come down and tell 'em I'm not dead? They don't believe me!

Shakleford:
I'm sorry Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?

Jay Sherman:
I do have a way with women... over sixty.

Duke Phillips:
You know why nobody watches your show?

Jay Sherman:
Because it's intelligent?

Duke Phillips:
Well that's *one* of your problems.

Jay Sherman:
This film gets my highest rating - seven out of ten.

Jay Sherman:
So run, don't mosey, to "The Tea Cozy," it really hits the spot! [laughs]

Marty Sherman:
This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!

Jay Sherman:
Hi Ma, how do you like the tux?

Eleanor:
Oh, Jay, you look good enough to bury!

[about to enter a limo]

Jay Sherman:
And I want everyone to know before I get in that I had a big Mexican lunch.

Limo Driver:
Hey, don't worry about it! I once drove James Coco home after a Texas chili cook-off.

[Jay dreams he's in Jurassic Park]

Jay Sherman:
Help, help! Or at least put me in a better Spielberg movie!

Jay Sherman:
Hello, and welcome to "Coming Attractions." Tonight we'll be reviewing "Barney the Dinosaur: The Motion Picture." Just look who got $10 million to play Barney!

Marlon Brando:
This is so humiliating. You know I had to lose 100 pounds to play a dinosaur? Can't even see through the eyeholes on this thing.

[He bumps into a wall and falls down. All the kids laugh]

Kid:
Hey! Barney's being funny!

Marlon Brando:
No, I'm not. I don't do comedy. Not since "The Freshman," that piece of crap. I don't know what I was thinking, making that picture, let me tell you.

Franklin:
Good news, son. I've found the perfect mate for you. Her name is Barbie and she's from Mali-boo. Now, she has a boyfriend named Ken, but he's not much of a man,

[whispering]

Franklin:
...I checked.

Franklin:
There's a reason there's a banana in my ear. I'm trying to lure the monkey out of my head.

Eleanor:
Franklin, my life is an endless grey corridor.

Franklin:
Hmm, I've been there too. Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him Mr. Picolini.

Franklin:
Oh, Wilson, my wife is happy again!

Owl:
Who?

Franklin:
My wife, Eleanor.

Owl:
Who?

Franklin:
My wife, Eleanor.

[hours later]

Owl:
Who?

Franklin:
My wife, Eleanor.

Duke Phillips:
Make him squeal!

Eleanor Sherman:
First he stole my butler, now he's stealing my daughter!

Franklin Sherman:
Well, he won't steal the silverware. I've glued that to the ceiling.

[Pan up to the ceiling, showing silverware and an upside-down dog]

Jay Sherman:
Uh, dad? I understand the silverware, but why the dog?

Franklin Sherman:
You understand the silverware? Heh, heh! Cuckoo!

Jay Sherman:
Hmm. What's that sulfur smell coming from the egg bin? Oh, it must mean the eggs have ripened. Wait a minute! Eggs don't ripen! Eggs don't ripen!

Duke Phillips:
I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'll tell you what I'm really going to do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm going raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the oceans, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.

Ronald Reagan:
Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.

Duke Phillips:
Half of you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about. California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.

Queen Elizabeth:
Oh, I don't want that.

Prince Charles:
More poison? I mean, tea?

Queen Elizabeth:
Ah, don't mind if I do. You almost had me there.

[She hits him over the head with her scepter, knocking him unconscious]

Duke Phillips:
Well, that's my speech, now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. Vote for Duke. Good night.

Marty Sherman:
But all they want to do is goof off and eat candy.

Jay Sherman:
Well, son, as President, you're above that.

[remembers Ronald Reagan being sworn in]

Ronald Reagan:
I do solemnly swear that as your President, I will goof off and eat candy.

[falls asleep at podium]

Crowd:
Four more years! Four more years!

[Marty unveils his unfinished float for the homecoming parade which turns out to be the rear end of a horse]

Jay Sherman:
It's a giant horse's ass! [to the audience] You're watching Fox. Give us 10 minutes, we'll give you an ass.

Jay Sherman:
Now, let's take a look at the new musical from Francis Ford Coppola: Apocalypse Wow!

Colonel Walter E. Kurtz:
[singing] Howdy Doo! I'm Colonel Kurtz. Fat and Bald like old Fred Murtz. Watch me do a Hula Dance. To shake the egg rolls from my pants

[Performs a Hula dance as egg rolls fall from his pants]

Severed Heads on Implanted Spears:
[singing] He's not so bad, he's really just an odd man.

Colonel Walter E. Kurtz:
[singing] And I've shaved my head like Dennis Rodman.

Photojournalist:
[singing] He's a god, man!

Duke Phillips:
[Appearing in Apocalypse Wow] Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke!... VOTE FOR DUKE!

Jay Sherman:
Get that off my show!

June Lockhart:
[on why she's marrying Duke] Because he agreed to bring everybody back who was lost in space... even Dr. Smith!

Duke Phillips:
Gaze into the hypnotic power of my evil eye!

[Eye flashes]

Duke Phillips:
Is there a follow-up question?

Reporter:
[hypnotized] How may I serve you, evil one?

Franklin:
Son, I'm going to be Vice President. And I'm going to be honest with the American people. I am not going to wear this toupee anymore!

[Rips the hair off the top of his scalp]

Jay Sherman:
Dad, you don't wear a toupee.

Franklin:
I will from now on.

Alice Thompkins:
You want me to listen to my stomach?

Jay Sherman:
[chuckles] No, silly, your heart.

Jay's Stomach:
Noone ever listens to me! Boohoo, hoo!

Franklin:
[opening the debate] As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I'd like to say "America stinks!"

Jay Sherman:
Geraldo, this is my father, Franklin. [hands over a piece of paper] I've prepared a list of softball questions you can lob at him.

Geraldo Rivera:
Franklin, my name is Geraldo. Can you say Geraldo?

Franklin:
Raldo.

Geraldo Rivera:
Good. You mind if we talk?

Franklin:
The time for talk is past! Now is the time for action!

Geraldo Rivera:
[looks at Jay's list] I hear you can say your name backwards. Is that true?

Franklin:
Nilknarf!

Geraldo Rivera:
What's your favorite food in the whole wide world?

Franklin:
Nilknarf!

Jay Sherman:
[finishing a movie review]... and that is why Goldie Hawn should be shot!

Doris:
What could you do with me in five days?

Duke Phillips:
Honey, I could make you Mrs. Ernest Borgnine.

Doris:
Pass!

Duke Phillips:
I'm giving you five days of my time to turn you around.

Jay Sherman:
Well, what if five days isn't enough?

Duke Phillips:
Son, I only spent three days with a young man named Bill Clinton, and look at him now!

Jay Sherman:
Maybe you should've taken four.

Duke Phillips:
Yeah...

Jay Sherman:
...And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!

Franklin Sherman:
I'm not wearing pants. I split my pants, and now I'm not wearing pants!

Duke Phillips:
Jay, we need something to take the edge off of you. Hmm. How 'bout a sassy black kid? He can call you "Uncle J," and you can call him, eh, "Little Shabazz."

Jay Sherman:
You don't think I'm gay, do you?

Doris:
No man in his right mind would sleep with you.

Jay Sherman:
Thank you!

Duke Phillips:
I think you're a fat toilet I'm flushing my money down... sort of a Johnny Cash. Hey man, that's witty. Send it to Readers Digest.

Jay Sherman:
What if we find a cure for your disease, like in that film, "Lorenzo's Oil"?

Duke Phillips:
Isn't that the picture you called a mixture of fantasy and crap?

Jay Sherman:
Yes! I dubbed it "Fantacrap"!

Duke Phillips:
Well, like most of America's cultural elite, I worship Pan, the goat god.

Duke Phillips:
Thank you, Jay. After I die, you can eat my brain. It will give you power.

Duke Phillips:
[on the phone with Webster's Dictionary] How bout that other word I invented, "Duke-licious?" No one's using it? What a "Duke-tastrophe... "

[in Jurassic Park 2]

John Hammond:
You may have us, but you'll never get off the island!

Raptor:
[with a well spoken English accent] I beg to differ. For you see, the other Raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd jobs under the name "Mr Pilkington." But perhaps I've said too much...

[smokes a pipe]

[on Phillipsvision, a machine that changes sad film endings to happier ones]

Jay Sherman:
I don't want Rhett coming back to Scarlett. I don't want the guy from "My Left Foot" to become a punter for the Bears. I want Debra Winger, Ali MacGraw and Bambi's mother to die!

Jay Sherman:
I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! [yawns] Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. [pause] Bashful.

[inside Duke's dungeon]

Duke Phillips:
All right, Sherman, you've been down here long enough. I'll give you the dental plan you want with a $50 deductible.

Jay Sherman:
$25 deductible!

Duke Phillips:
See you in five years!

Jay Sherman:
Don't you people have a trailer park to go home to?

Tourist:
Twister blew it away.

Jay Sherman:
You're old enough to be my mother.

Doris:
So? You're fat enough to be my car.

Orson Welles:
Rosebud...

[fade to color]

Orson Welles:
Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness. Wait, that's terrible. I quit... Just a handful for the road.

[takes a handful of peas and walks away whilst munching loudly]

Orson Welles:
[off screen, delighted] Oh, what luck; there's a French fry stuck in my beard!

[munches loudly]

Prof. Blowhard:
Jay, you weren't meant to create. You were made to tear apart!

Jay Sherman:
I was?

Prof. Blowhard:
You were born to nitpick what others poured their hearts and souls into!

Jay Sherman:
I shall! I shall!

Prof. Blowhard:
Be a truth teller!

Jay Sherman:
I will, you pompous windbag!

Prof. Blowhard:
Learn from this man, class, that we should all be such independent thinkers!

Orson Welles:
[advertising Blotto Bros. Wine] A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I shall make this jug disappear.

[he noisily guzzling the wine out of the jug]

Marlon Brando:
[seeing Jay after he's bulked up] That Adolph Hitmaker does good work.

Jay Sherman:
Well, I'll say thank you for the years of laughter and tears!

Adam West:
What tears would those be?

Jay Sherman:
Why, tears of... laughter!

Jay Sherman:
I've got to tell you, I hated that scene in Jurassic Park where you spit poison in the obnoxious fat guy's face!

[Dilophosaurus hisses and spits at him]

Jay Sherman:
I did not see that coming!

[watching a montage of clips where he repeats himself]

Jay Sherman:
"Rain Man"/"A Few Good Men"/"The Firm" is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise. He doesn't act anymore, he's on 'Cruise control!'

Adolph Hitmaker:
If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly, like Santa Claus or Rush Limbaugh.

Prof. Blowhard:
Learn from this man, class, we should all be such independent thinkers.

Students:
[in monotone unison while taking notes] Be an independent thinker...

Jay Sherman:
Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. "Chaplin, Polanski and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady."

[groans]

[in "Merchant of Venice"]

Keanu Reeves:
Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?

[in "Arthur III:
Revenge of the Liver"]

Doctor:
Arthur, I'm afraid you have... acute cirrhosis.

Arthur:
And you have a cute little butt! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Doctor:
No, you don't understand. Your pancreas is swollen to the size of a basketball.

Arthur:
Oh, no wonder I dribble so much! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Doctor:
This is very serious, you have less than a year to live!

Arthur:
[pointing to tongue depressors] Oh, don't look now, but somebody's eaten all your popsicles! Ha-haaa! Why there's a piano!

[begins to sing]

Arthur:
I've got a liver the size of coconuts...

Jay's ex-wife:
[on phone] Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eightteen minutes late. No... nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer.

[Franklin goes to see the pilot only to discover it's a penguin]

Franklin Sherman:
A penguin! [angrily] And he's been drinking! Wait a minute. Penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!

Jeremy Hawke:
Vlada, there's a black box in my soup.

Vlada:
I will get you a new bowl imediately.

[yanks a tub his mother is soaking her feet in]

Vlada:
Sorry, Mamma.

[serves the tub to Jeremy]

Jeremy Hawke:
There's an old lady's stocking in my soup.

Vlada:
She is not so old!... I mean... that's a noodle.

Humphrey the Hippo:
Hey kids, have you kids been smoking like I asked you to?

Girl:
[in Doris' voice] Yeah, I'm up to four packs a day!

Humphrey the Hippo:
Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed...

[the kids gasp]

Humphrey the Hippo:
...You get ice cream!

[the kids cheer]

Girl:
[coughing] Yay!

Jay Sherman:
Well, here's what I think...

[Jay's interrupted by Duke]

Duke Phillips:
Sorry, son, our research shows people don't care what you think. They just tune in for the funny clips.

Margo Sherman:
It's a sign! They're alive!

Orson Welles:
Yes. They're alive, but I have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's Fish Sticks. Yes! Oh yes! They're even better when you're dead!

Orson Welles:
Hello. I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a journey into the world of magic, mystery...

Sherman Family Attorney:
Mr. Welles, this is a video will.

Orson Welles:
What? Look, I don't need to do this! I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour! [leaves, and then walks back to his chair albeit reluctantly] Oh, what the hell? I need the money.

Penny Tompkins:
Momma, I'm scared of Peter Pan!

Alice Tompkins:
We all are, Honey.

Marty Sherman:
But I can't act!

Drama Teacher:
[chuckles] That's what a young Steve Guttenberg told me, und look at him now! eh, No, look at him four years ago.

William Shatner:
Hello-I'm-William-Shatner-and-this-is-"Celebrity 911." Tonight-we-devote-the-entire-hour-to-police-calls-involving-James-Caan...

[makes face]

William Shatner:
CAAN!

Jay Sherman:
[to son on phone] And remember, you don't have to listen to your stomach.

Jay's Stomach:
What was that hogwash you were feedin' the boy?

Jay Sherman:
Nothing, Master, I, I said nothing.

Jay's Stomach:
Very well. Now dance for me!

[dances to Arabian tune]

Fat Camp Counselor:
[disappointed] You've lost two pounds.

Jay Sherman:
Yes! Back to my college weight!

[in "Speed Reading" movie]

Dennis Hopper:
All right, hotshot! You think you're so smart? Let's see you read this book!

Keanu Reeves:
Bogus!

Dennis Hopper:
If you read under fifty words a minute, this book explodes! Ready? Begin!

[activates bomb]

Keanu Reeves:
One... f-f-fish. "Twoah"... oh, no, TWO... f-f-f... oh, FISH! Red... f-f-f...

Dennis Hopper:
It's 'fish,' you idiot! FISH!

Keanu Reeves:
Dude, now I lost my place!

[book explodes and destroys building]

Jean-Paul LePope:
In my next film, Joe Piscopo and I play Siamese twins joined at the tongues. It's called

[gagging]

Jean-Paul LePope:
"Part 2".

Jay Sherman:
[singing] To all the girls I've loved on screen, for instance, Stephen King's Christine!

Jay Sherman:
Our last film tonight stars Al Pacino in "Scent of a Jackass."

Al Pacino:
Whoo-hah! Charlie, you pimply little preppy, I'm gonna kill myself.

Chris O'Donnell:
Good.

Al Pacino:
I mean it, you MTV-watching mama's boy, I'm gonna pull the trigger!

Chris O'Donnell:
Fine, if it'll shut you up.

Al Pacino:
You're gonna miss my whoo-hah, my tangoing, my blind driving, my whoo-hah.

Chris O'Donnell:
You said that already.

Al Pacino:
I say it a lot. Whoo-hah!

Jay Sherman:
Talking about overusing a catchphrase. Hotchie motchie, it stinks!

Jay Sherman:
Boss, I'd like to go on sabbatical.

Duke Phillips:
You people sure have a lot of holidays.

Jay Sherman:
No, I've written a screenplay and I'm taking it to Hollywood. But since I'm a film critic, there might be a conflict of interest.

Duke Phillips:
You want to hear a conflict of interest? I own a cigarette company and a company that sells nicotine patches. I own a baseball team and I bet against them, I love America, but for tax purposes, I'm a citizen of the Dutch Antilles.

Jay Sherman:
Gee, thanks for sharing all that with me. Now that I know all your secrets, you don't have to kill me, do you?

Duke Phillips:
If I do, you'll never see it coming.

Jay Sherman:
All right, it's just you and me. Now what did you think of my script?

Gary Grossman:
It was excrement.

Jay Sherman:
Did you say "it was excellent?"

Gary Grossman:
It was crummy.

Jay Sherman:
Did you say "it was yummy?"

Gary Grossman:
It was an awful piece of junk that made me want to puke all night.

Jay Sherman:
Did you say "it was an awesome piece of spunk that you want to shoot tonight?"

Gary Grossman:
It was a bilious piece of dirt that made cry out in pain.

Jay Sherman:
Did you say "it was a brilliant piece of work, and you'll fly me out to Spain? Where we'll meet King Juan Carlos and drink sangria all night?"

Gary Grossman:
You piece of blech.

Jay Sherman:
Hah, haaaah, how awkward!

Jay Sherman:
Listen Chaz, we are going to work hard and make a good sequel for once. So if you look and learn, maybe you won't spend the rest of your life shaving cinnamon.

Chaz:
Yes, I will. I used to be Vanilla Ice.

[Jay looks gobsmacked]

Olivia Hawke:
I love you. Tell me you love me too.

Jay Sherman:
Well, I...

Alice Tompkins:
Jay, you bewitchin', little booger! I got something to say. I love you, and I need to know, do you love me?

Jay Sherman:
Well, I...

Queen Latifah:
Baby, I love you the most, and now, you gotta be straight. Do you love me?

Jay Sherman:
Uh, Queen Latifah?

Queen Latifah:
Oops! Wrong office! [Exits]

Queen Latifah:
[In Jay's head] Baby, this is the Queen. I dub thee my Earl of Ecstasy.

Jay Sherman:
Uh, Queen Latifah?

Queen Latifah:
Wait a minute! This isn't Denzel Washington's head! [Exits]

[watching "Yesterday Night Live"]

Jay Sherman:
Oh, they do the same sketches every week! They're nothing more than a string of catch-phrases - Yeah, that's the ticket!

Phil Hartman:
So, Pat. Are you a man or a woman?

Jeremy:
She's a girl, mate. I saw her back stage, look:

[Jeremy takes of Pat's wig revealing long brown hair]

Pat:
WHAAA! You've ruined my career!

Franklin:
[Jay is seen running in the distance] Hey,hey,hey, it's Fat Albert! How-buh are-buh you-buh do-bing?

Marty Sherman:
Dad, watching you run that marathon was the proudest two and a half days of my life.

Jay Sherman:
I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!

[Doris is dragging Sherman down the stairs]

Doris:
Let me know if you're suffering any brain damage...

Jay Sherman:
[falsetto] Dance with me, Tony! Dance with me!

Doris:
You're fine.

Jay Sherman:
[yelling] Who died and made you El Presidente?

Marty Sherman:
[whispering] Dad, that's Castro!

Jay Sherman:
[singing] I like French films, pretentious boring French films! I like French Films, three tickets s'il vous pla?t!

[man punches him]

Jay Sherman:
Ow!

Franklin Sherman:
[after Jay sees his lost son on TV] Just reach in the TV and pull him out! That's how I met 'the Fonz'!

Jay Sherman:
And that is why the greatest actor of this, or any other century, is: Ned Beatty.

[on phone]

Gene Shalit:
Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window!

Kid:
International foodfight!

French girl:
[All the kids from different countries start throwing food at each other] Jacques, more pat? de foie de porc?

French Kid:
[Jacques is hit on the barret with some food] We surrender!

Jay Sherman:
So, how was prison?

Jay's No.1 Fan:
Well, the treated me pretty bad at first, but... then they found out I tried to kill a film critic. You know, in Texas, it's not even a crime.

Jay Sherman:
I'm well aware. At the Houston Film Festival, only half of us got out alive! [laughs]

Jay Sherman:
Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but you're nuts!

Old Lady:
Oh, you sound just like the toaster.

[in Indecent Proposal II movie]

Robert Redford:
I'd like to sleep with your wife and I'm prepared to pay... six dollars.

Demi Moore:
Last time you paid us a million!

Robert Redford:
I know. At the time, I was worth one million and six dollars.

Jay Sherman:
Next year, you could be head of this studio.

Security Guard:
No, last year I was head of the studio. A twelve-picture deal with Shelly Long seemed like a good idea...

Jay Sherman:
Jeremy, you're just an actor! You don't know how to use that thing!

Jeremy:
It's just a gun for god's sakes, not a bloody Xerox machine!

[Reviewing Dr. Haing S. Ngor in "The Killing Fields"]

Jay Sherman:
If you ask me, he should've gone to the "Acting Fields"!

Jay Sherman:
[telling his story to children] Things never looked worse. There I was - with my head stuck in a honey pot.

Alice Tompkins:
I thought you were stuck in an Iraqi prison?

Jay Sherman:
Eh, hah! Yes, of course, how could a grown man get his head stuck in a honey pot?

[overturns a picture of him with his head trapped in a honneypot just like Winnie the Pooh]

[a captive in Iraq, Jay is being forced to recite propaganda on Iraqi TV]

Captain Raheem:
You will speak the blasphemous and self-denigrating dialogue that has been written for you!

Jay Sherman:
Like I'm not used to that.

Captain Raheem:
[handing him a paper] Read this!

Jay Sherman:
There's going to be a really bitching kegger tonight at Captain Raheem's tent!

Captain Raheem:
That's mine. Read this!

Jay Sherman:
Dear Urkel: you are so funny. Can you come to my birthday party? Your friend, Captain Raheem.

Captain Raheem:
Give me that!

Jay Sherman:
Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G, and walks on the beach. Whoo-hoo! Kenny G.

[Captain Raheem grabs Jay by the throat, shouting in Arabic]

Eleanor Sherman:
What's going to happen to our darling little boy?

Franklin Sherman:
Don't worry, my darling. I have friends in high places who'll take care of everything.

[Franklin is in the Oval Office and is greeted by President Bush]

President Bush:
Franklin, great to see you. Been years.

Franklin Sherman:
Mr. President, my son is being held hostage in Iraq, and I need you to save him. Now, I've given money to the Republicans for years and never asked for anything in return.

President Bush:
You asked to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies!

Franklin Sherman:
I didn't ask to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies. The balloon doggies demanded it!

Police Chief:
[in "Beverly Hills Robo K9 Cop and a Half 2" movie] All right, Callaghan, I got some new partners for you: a woman, a cute little kid, an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun.

Leprechaun:
I'll be your lucky charm!

[Leprechaun explodes]

Humphrey Hippo:
Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest, Madonna! Hey, Madonna!

Madonna:
Don't f

[beep]

Madonna:
with me, Hippo.

Humphrey Hippo:
Hey! Do you eat with that mouth?

Madonna:
Yes. and I also

[beep]

Madonna:
and

[beep]

Madonna:
with it.

Humphrey Hippo:
Oooooh.

[Jeremy is encouraging Jay to proclaim his love to Alice]

Jeremy Hawke:
In the words of the poet; "carpe canem!"

Jay Sherman:
Yes!

[exits and then reenters seconds later]

Jay Sherman:
"Carpe *canem*"? "Seize the *dog*"?

Jeremy Hawke:
You heard me!

Jay Sherman:
[singing] I'm a happy film critic / short and stout / I'll have the brisket.

Vlada Veramirovich:
[singing] Sorry, we're out.

Cyrus Tompkins:
I wanna thank you for helping my wife and my little girl. It's, eh, more than I did.

Jay Sherman:
Well, there are are a lot of people who would've done what I did. They're called putzes!

Cyrus Tompkins:
Hm. I like pepperoni on my putzes.

Jay Sherman:
I'll bet you do.

Jay Sherman:
Boss, this is my assistant, Alice Tompkins. She's the one who really turned my show around.

Alice Tompkins:
It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation. "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?"

Duke Phillips:
I still give that speech today. You know, Southern people like us have to work extra hard here in New York. People hear the way we talk and just assume we're illiterate country bumpkins!

[Duke hits a button on his desk. A door opens to reveal a jug band consisting of mechanical bears]

Bears:
[to the tune of "Camptown Races"] We're the bears who sing for Duke / Doo-dah, Doo-dah / Drinking moonshine 'til we puke / All the doo-dah day.

Duke Phillips:
[laughing] Big, dumb, belching bear!

Alice Tompkins:
All right, I've got this weakness, okay? I know Cyrus is completely wrong for me, but every time I'm about to kick him out, he sings to me...

Jay Sherman:
And?

Alice Tompkins:
And I melt like butter on a bagel. God, I've been in New York too long!

Cyrus Thompkins:
Fine, I'll come back tomorrow, you think it over and you talk about it with your little gay friend.

Alice Thompkins:
Jay is not gay!

Jay Sherman:
[offscreen] Thank you! Not that I've been eavesdropping...

[Jay plays an accordian while he sings]

Jay Sherman:
[singing] Cyrus is just a virus / He wants to tie you down while you're still young / Your potential is what's essential / You could someday be another Connie Chuuuuuuung!

[Alice's estranged, philandering husband tries to woo her back with singing]

Cyrus Thompkins:
[singing] Lover, without you there's no other...

Jay Sherman:
[interrupting, singing] Give him a chance, he'll do your mother.

Jay Sherman:
Tonight, we'll be reviewing "A Few More Good Men" starring Jack Nicholson, with co-stars Christian Slater and William Devane.

Christian Slater:
[Nicholson delivery] I want the truth!

Jack Nicholson/Col. Jessup:
You can't *handle* the truth!

Christian Slater:
[Nicholson delivery] I *can* handle the truth!

Jack Nicholson/Col. Jessup:
The truth is, you *talk* like me, you *act* like me... You don't have an original bone in your body!

Christian Slater:
[Nicholson delivery] That's a *freakin'* lie"!

"A Few Good Men" Judge:
Could the stenographer read that last part back?

William Devane:
[Nicholson delivery] What am I, a *freakin'* Myna bird?

Jay Sherman:
[Pointing to a picture on the wall] Is that Penny's dad?

Alice Tompkins:
Yeah, that's Cyrus. I was waiting tables in Knoxville while Cyrus tried to make it as a country singer, but then I began to suspect he was cheating on me.

Jay Sherman:
How?

Alice Tompkins:
It was in his songs, "My Lyin' Heart", "Daddy's Steppin' Out", and then his album, "I'm Being Unfaithful To My Wife, Alice Tompkins. You Heard Me, Alice Tompkins."

[Jay is trying out to be Siskel's new partner]

Gene Siskel:
Ok, let's try a take. Wait, something's wrong. You don't look right. Try on this wig. [Puts a gray wig on Jay]

Jay Sherman:
What?

Gene Siskel:
Now, the glasses. [Puts a pair of glasses on Jay]

Jay Sherman:
You're making me look like Roger.

Gene Siskel:
Just do what I say!

Jay Sherman:
Dammit, Gene! I'm not Roger! I'm never gonna be Roger! I wish I were! [Runs off sobbing]

Roger Ebert:
[Showing Jay a photo album] Here's Gene and me on Splash Mountain. Here we are winning the three-legged-race. And here's the Halloween we went as Ernie and Bert.

Jay Sherman:
Shouldn't we get to work?

Roger Ebert:
Sure, Gene. Anything you say.

Jay Sherman:
You called me Gene.

Roger Ebert:
I'm sorry, Gene. I'll never do it again... Gene.

Jay Sherman:
My name is Jay, and I need some air! [Runs off sobbing] I'm not Gene!

Jay Sherman:
[Rips the foil of an Oscar, revealing chocolate] Now I want one more than ever!

Film Critics:
[Film Critics' Musical Number] We saw Tom Cruise sucking blood, Meg Ryan hit the booze.

[after Jay organizes Siskel and Ebert's reconciliation and the lights in the building opposite the Empire State Building illuminate into the shape of a pink heart]

Roger Ebert:
Oh, this is just a rip-off of Sleepless in Seattle.

Gene Siskel:
Which was in itself a rip-off of An Affair to Remember.

Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel:
Which wasn't that good of a movie to start with.

Gene Siskel:
[singing] The Moonlight on his hair.

Roger Ebert:
[singing] The Twinkle in his eye.

Gene Siskel:
[singing] The Way he said 'Thumbs Up'.

Roger Ebert:
[singing] The Way he said 'Thumbs Down'.

Gene Siskel, Roger Ebert:
[singing together] The Way he said 'Goodbye... '

Gene Siskel:
Well, I thought that film was very poignant. Particularly the scene where Tom Cruise walks around Las Vegas with a bucket full of his brother.

Roger Ebert:
Aw, c'mon, Gene. That was just another pointless sequel that didn't have to be made.

Gene Siskel:
This, from the man who liked 'Benji the Hunted?'

Roger Ebert:
Hey, you liked 'Carnosaur!'

Gene Siskel:
Well I'll bet you'll like this!

[punches are thrown, Siskel grabs a bottle, smashes it in half and points it at Ebert]

Gene Siskel:
Hasta la vista, Porky!

Roger Ebert:
Cue ball in the side pocket!

[punches thrown]

[Jay plays his answering machine]

Gene Siskel:
[on machine] Hey, Jay! It's Gene Siskel. I've decided I'd like YOU to be my partner. Let me know if you're game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.

[beep]

Roger Ebert:
[on machine] Jay, it's Roger Ebert. How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.

[beep]

Rex Reed:
[on machine] Jay, it's Rex Reed. I don't care if you got the job. I've got a NEW partner.

[a monkey screeches on the tape]

Rex Reed:
[on machine, proudly] That's right, Pauline Kael!

[Satan is disguised as a man during an interview with Gene Siskel]

Satin:
Tim Allen gives that same likeable performance we always love, once again proving Disney pictures have the magic touch that may not win awards but keep America smiling. How was that?

Gene Siskel:
You're Satan, aren't you?

Satin:
[transforms back into himself] You've win another round, Siskel! But we shall meet again!

Arnold:
I am Frau Doubtfire.

Maria:
No, you're not. You're my husband in a dress.

Arnold:
I am so a woman. Look at my fake bosoms, they are really grenades

[bosoms explode]

Arnold:
They'll be back.

[first lines of the series]

Jay Sherman:
[answering the phone] Hello?

Eleanor Sherman:
Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh, yes, and happy birthday.

Jay Sherman:
Welcome to "Coming Attractions." Tonight we'll be reviewing "Family Affair: The Motion Picture." Just look who got eight million dollars to play Mr. French.

Marlon Brando:
Buffy, Jody, for your lunch I have made peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Buffy:
Would you make a sandwich for my doll, Mrs. Beazley?

Marlon Brando:
Yeah, sure. That's exactly what I feel like doing. Of course I can get together a little sandwich for your stupid little doll. Hang on a second.

Duke Phillips:
Why the hell do you have to be so critical?

Jay Sherman:
I'm a critic!

Duke Phillips:
No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from "good" to excellent."

Jay Sherman:
What if I don't like them?

Duke Phillips:
That's what "good"'s for.

[Doris is spraying on Jay's "hair" from a can]

Jay Sherman:
Aah! This new stuff feels great! Where did you get it?

Doris Grossman:
Some kids were painting "King Dork" on your car with it.

Parking Lot Attendant:
Hey mister, why does your car say "King Dork?"

Jay Sherman:
Uh, I bought it from King Dorkenheiser of Finland.

Parking Lot Attendant:
I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy.

Jay Sherman:
Just park the car!

Jay Sherman:
I always have to look my sexiest. That's why I'm wearing these tight size 42 pants...

Jay Sherman:
Take your genitalia right back to Australia!

Jeremy:
Jay, we have a saying in Australia... well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song. It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her... and it doesn't really apply here, but my advice to you is: slow down.

Jay Sherman:
Please you've got to tell me, did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?

Doorman:
I wouldn't know, I've been drinking in the alley all morning.

Movie Villain:
[a scene from "Rabbi P.I."] All right, if you're really a Rabbi, circumcise this child.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
[throws the scalpel at the father, hitting him square in the heart and killing him] Hava nagila, baby!

[a scene from Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Rabbi P.I."]

[a bum comes up to Arnold and pulls out a gun]

Bum:
Eat lead, rabbi!

[Arnold pulls out a shotgun and shoots him]

Arnold:
Sorry, that's not kosher!

Eleanor:
Can't one dinner go by where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?

Franklin:
Oh son, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... who are all you people?

Jay Sherman:
Why are you telling me this?

Jeremy:
Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this dreadful country. I love you, mate.

Jay Sherman:
Wow, that's twice in one day!

Vlada Villamiravitch:
I love you too!

Jay Sherman:
You just love my money.

Vlada Villamiravitch:
That is true, but it is a love that will never die.

Reporter:
Mr. Phillips, you're fabulously wealthy, you're a world class athlete, you were great in bed last night! How does that feel?

Duke Phillips:
I have no one to envy. I envy you having me to envy.

Jeremy:
Bubbie, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image Awards... two things I've learned from experience.

Duke Phillips:
Look, this isn't art. It's just mindless pabulum for losers who can barely read. Oh, that reminds me, I've got an interview with People Magazine.

Jay Sherman:
Oh, my shrink was right! God does hate me!

Jay Sherman:
On the Shermometer this film rates an absolute zero! BRRR!

Jay Sherman:
I'm sitting on top of a volcano of rage and I've got nowhere to direct it.

Marty Sherman:
[picks up a note] There's a critic's screening of the new Sylvester Stallone movie tonight...

Jay Sherman:
What's it about?

Marty Sherman:
Lets see. He plays a concert pianist who...

Jay Sherman:
[jumping up] To the multiplex!

Marty Sherman:
Yeah!

Doris:
Kiss my surprisingly firm butt!

Franklin Sherman:
I was president of a trucker's union for a while. That reminds me... there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard!

Jay Sherman:
[Driving a truck] Alright, I've got my books, now I've got to get back to New York. Can't stop for anything! [passes a broken down truck that reads 'French Chef's convention" and a group of French Chef's crying 'Help Us']

Roadside Farmer:
[Jay gasps] Meet Ingmar Bergman, 25 cents!

Jay Sherman:
[Disappointed] Oh...

[Keeps on driving]

Roadside Farmer:
[to Bergman] Well, you'd best get back to the peanut patch with Polanski and Bertolucci.