The Edwin J. Hill Social Club

Bizarro George:
Come on, how many times are we going to have to go over this? Not all twins from an alternate dimension are evil.

Bizarro Drew:
We're not evil doppelgangers, we're just slightly different doppelgangers.

George:
Explain.

Bizarro George:
Well for starters, George, you drink a lot of beer and smoke a lot of cigarettes. I however drink a nice hot cup of tea and chew tobaccy.

Bizarro Drew:
And I never ever masturbate.

George:
So you're like Bizarro George and Drew?

Bizarro Drew:
Exactly.

Drew:
So you're not evil?

Bizarro George:
Nope.

George:
Not even in the slightest?

Bizarro George, Bizarro Drew:
Not a bit.

Drew:
Geez, I'm sorry. I guess we owe you guys an apology.

Bizarro Drew:
Think nothing of it. We're actually very forgiving people without short tempers.

Bizarro George:
And I'm sensitive to women's emotions.

George:
I still feel bad. How about we order a pizza and forget about it?

Bizarro George:
I'm sorry, I don't like pizza.

Drew:
But we love pizza. Oh. Right. The alternate dimension thing.

George:
How would you guys like to open up the show?

Bizarro Drew:
No thanks. We're kind of camera shy and don't like being the center of attention.

Bizarro George:
And I have never ever fantasized about Drew's mother.

Drew:
[Angrily turns to George] Son of a...

George's Mom:
George, what are you doing here?

George:
This is my house. Are you drunk?

George's Mom:
I didn't know you lived here. This is awkward.

George:
I don't think it's awkward. Mom you just lost your way again. Let me explain something to you. When people get past a certain age, like you have, their minds sometimes start to... go. It's okay though; we'll work through this. I'll take care of you. Well, I won't literarily take care of you, but I'll find a good nurse who will and I'll visit you occasionally. We'll have fun doing old people things. Eating tapioca. Playing a little canasta with your glasses on. But I'm not going to change any poopy diapers though.

George's Mom:
That's not what makes this awkward.

George:
What are you talking about?

Drew:
Andrea, sweetheart. George, I'd like you to meet a very special lady.

George's Mom:
Drew, I don't think this is the right time.

George:
Oh Drew, you're such a suck-up. She sends her meatloaf once and you're practically begging for more.

Drew:
What are you talking about?

George:
What are you talking about?

Drew:
I'm trying to introduce you to a wonderful lady.

George:
Has your date pulled up?

Drew:
Yeah, she's right here.

George:
I don't see a car outside.

George's Mom:
Maybe I should come back another time.

George:
Yeah, it's not going to look good if Drew's date pulls up and sees my mom in the living room. We should clean up a little bit and try and impress her.

Drew:
Is your mom here?

George:
Yeah, she's right here.

Drew:
Where?

George:
Oh, Drew this is my mom. Mom, Drew.

George's Mom:
Yeah. We've met.

George:
Hey Mr. Fancy Pants, where are you going in your fancy pants? Some kind of fancy pants convention?

George:
She gave birth to me!

Drew:
So? She needs love, and I need love too. Stop encroaching on our love!

George:
I came out of her!

Drew:
Well let's hope that makes two of us.

Drew:
I'm not going to stop seeing Andrea.

George:
Who's Andrea?

Drew:
Your mom.

George:
Oh. Right.

Drew:
She makes me happy. I make her happy. We make each other happy.

George:
Well you sound very happy.

Drew:
We are.

George:
Good.

Drew:
Fine!

George:
Awesome!

Drew:
Grand!

George:
Delicious!

Drew:
Scrumptious!

George:
Perfect!

Drew:
Shazam!

George:
Bippity boppity boo!

Drew:
What can I say to make you feel better, George?

George:
How about, "I'm not going to have sex with your mom."

Drew:
Except that. I was thinking something more along the lines of, "Just because your mother has a new man doesn't mean she loves you any less."

George:
I know my mom loves me.

Drew:
Then let it go, George. There's something in the air tonight. Soon it's going to be your mom's ankles.

George:
Wine in a box? You're never going to impress my mother with wine in a box?

George's Mom:
[Later] Wine in a box? How did you know?

Drew:
Not many people know this but wine is only in its purest form... when it comes from a box.

Drew:
Look George, I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us.

George:
Hard feelings? The only hard feelings are between you and my mother.

Drew:
Ha, good one.

George:
Look Drew, I've done some thinking. You shouldn't date my mom. I'm not saying this as your friend or my mother's son but as a scientist.

Drew:
Go on.

George:
If you date my mom, I'll never be born.

Drew:
Well George, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. A sweet, sticky, sexual omelet.

Drew:
Thanks for letting me move in. Again.

George:
No problem. I'll enjoy the cheaper rent and you can enjoy the ability to masturbate as loud as you want without the threat of your parents walking in.

Drew:
Good to know. [gestures at portrait] Who's this?

George:
Oh, Drew, Edwin J. hill, Edwin J. Hill, Drew.

Drew:
Good to meet ya. Who's Edwin J. Hill?

George:
He's the demigod of the living room. He's always watching over us.

Drew:
Where did you find him?

George:
It's an interesting story... I was walking down my street one day and I came across a large frame in my neighbor's trash. On closer inspection I found that this frame held the picture of a man known as Edwin J. Hill. I found out that his name was Edwin J. Hill by the plaque on the bottom that said, "Edwin J. Hill." I decided to hang Edwin J. Hill up in my living room. This meant moving the framed picture of Scott Baio to another location - the other side of the kitchen doorway.

Drew:
I love your place.

George:
It's our place now, Drew. A house of unbridled debauchery.

Drew:
A house of kickass jams.

George:
A house that makes temples and monasteries bow down to the superiority of this house.

Drew:
A house that goes to other houses to use uses their bathrooms because it doesn't have to dirty up its own bathroom.

George:
Welcome... to the Edwin J. Hill Social Club.

Drew:
I feel at home already.

Man on a Stoop:
What can I do for you gentlemen?

George:
We're looking for some... extra curricular activities.

Man on a Stoop:
Good, I just joined a bowling league and we need two more people.

Drew:
No, I don't think you get it. We're looking for some... cooking utensils. Something in... pans?

Man on a Stoop:
Spatulas?

George:
No, we need to stir our creative juices.

Man on a Stoop:
Blender?

Drew:
We're looking for some ganja.

Man on a Stoop:
Sorry, I don't speak Mexican.

George:
Sticky?

Man on a Stoop:
Wash your hands.

Drew:
Leaf?

Man on a Stoop:
Garret?

George:
I'm looking for something to jump on top of my boo boo.

Drew:
Something that'll make my head all razzle dazzle.

George:
A little toke-toke-a-boke-boke.

Drew:
Smoky-smoke-smoke?

George:
A little wink of the leprechaun.

Drew:
I want something that's going to dance to the moon and back and into the loving arms of Shiva herself.

George:
I want to look straight into the eyes of the Devil and have him say to me, "Hey, you're high."

George:
Where can we find... Mary Jane?

Man on a Stoop:
She's out back. Selling weed.

George:
What do you think it's Mr. Take's garbage can? Take it! Come on, it says it right on the can! What could they be possibly thinking? "Oh that Mr. Take, he forgot to put trash in his garbage can. Oh, that Mr. Take didn't have a lot of garbage this week. He put out an empty garbage can again. Oh, look at 'em, the Take family, look at them, they're always putting out plenty of trash but he must be drunk again, though. Forgot to put trash in this one. This old stinkin', disgusting garbage can doesn't have any trash in it this week." "Hey, Fred, should we throw away this garbage can?" "No Jerry, are you kidding? Mr. Take would have a field day if you threw out his prize-winnin' garbage can!"

George:
We're going to meet at a restaurant. I told her to wear a white carnation so I'd recognize her. It's going to be like one of those old movies from the 40s.

Drew:
How do you know it won't be some old man?

George:
I considered the possibility.

Drew:
And?

George:
Well he'd have to have a really good personality. And a vagina.

Drew:
We gotta clean out this fridge.

George:
Why? It's just going to get dirty again. And besides every item tells a story.

Drew:
What do you mean?

George:
You see that expired mustard? That's from a girl I dated in the fifth grade. And that jar of pickled beets? That's from a girl I dated at my last job. And that pickled herring up there? That's from the girl I cheated on Beet Girl with.

Drew:
Look George, if you're going to start a new romantic life, you have to clean our your old romance closet. That closet being this fridge.

Drew:
I don't think anyone's cleaned under this fridge since the Carter administration. What have we here? Taco #72?

Taco #72:
Dig in Drew. I'm muy caliente.

Drew:
I don't think I should.

Taco #72:
I taste ten times better than those tacos you had last night.

Drew:
But you've been under the fridge.

Taco #72:
And I've soaked up all the juices from my lose hermanos. Plus, I'm filled with under-the-fridgly goodness.

Drew:
Oh taco, why must you tempt me?

Drew:
You want a beer?

George:
Is there a beer in my hand? Then I'm not happy.

The Baio:
George, get yourself out of the dumps.

George:
Who is that?

The Baio:
Don't tell me you don't recognize me?

George:
Baio?

The Baio:
It is I, Scott Quincy Baio. I've come to get you out of your funk.

George:
Why have you chosen me?

The Baio:
What's your problem, jerk face? The Baio comes in your living room and you question it?

George:
Sorry, Mr. Baio.

The Baio:
Call me The Baio.

George:
Sorry, The Baio.

The Baio:
Why so down in the crapper?

George:
My girlfriend broke up with me.

The Baio:
Don't be sad. It happens to everyone.

George:
Even you?

The Baio:
Of course not. I'm Scott Baio.

George:
I just wanna...

The Baio:
Hey, Scott Baio's talking here. You keep your yapper shut.

Drew:
Oh George, it's all right. There's other fish in the information superhighway.

George:
But she was like rainbow trout. How can I go back to salmon?

Drew:
You love salmon.

George:
Not like I love rainbow trout!

Drew:
You're living like a hobo.

George:
I prefer the term "reclusive artist."

George:
You have no idea what I've been through. I'm not going to go to work. I'm not going to have fun. I'm just going to sit at home in my fat guy clothes until the Grim Reaper takes me across the river Styx. ["Sail Away" starts playing] This fat guy shirt and these fat guy pants are my only friends, and when I die they will bury me in a piano case, and everyone will know that I died of a broken heart. And they play "Owner of a Lonely Heart" at my funeral. And I will die as I lived: lonely, unappreciated, and fat.

George:
Goodbye cruel world. Remember me for who I was... a man with a fabulous wang. [dies]

George:
Scott Baio? Cool or... super cool?

Prospective Roommate:
Super cool?

George:
That was a lucky guess.

Nate:
What am I wearing? Is this a dress?

George:
Shh, Drew hates pants.

Nate:
But you're wearing pants.

George:
Quiet. You want to get me killed? I've convinced him this is a skirt with a very high slit.

Nate:
Drew, what are you wearing? Is that a towel with a belt?

Drew:
Well, it's kind of a homemade sarong.

George:
If that's sarong I don't want to be sa-right.

Nate:
Look guys, this whole thing, I don't think it's going to work out.

Drew:
What are you putting on?

Nate:
My pants.

Drew:
Oh my God!

George:
Drew, it's just a skirt with a very high slit.

Drew:
No! Those are pants! Pants!

George:
Nate, take off the pants! This is very serious! Drew's grandfather died in pants!

George:
I have 18 testicles

Drew:
What do girls think of that?

George:
Well they're not all together. They're sporadically placed around my body.

Dan Hille:
This is just like the end of "My Girl"!

Nate:
I told you those bees could be dangerous.

George:
Yeah, especially if you're allergic to bee stings.

Dan Hille:
[behind closed door] I am soooo allergic to bee stings!

Dan Hille:
I thought these bees were sad, but no, these angry bees!

Nate:
I didn't know you guys were gay.

George:
We're not. We enjoy the cinematography and the editing. The gay sex is just part of the story. If we asked you to rent the movie "Alive" it wouldn't mean we're cannibalistic soccer players.

Drew:
"Goodfellas Who Are Gay and Like to Have Sex With Each Other" is a wonderful piece of filmmaking, one that crosses the boundaries from gay porn to art.

Drew:
[after dodging a knife jutting forward to serve food] There's got to be a more practical way to serve soup.

Drew:
Why did you buy these?

George:
Spring Break is coming up.

Drew:
Ah, my favorite religious holiday. That explains why you bought this terrible light beer.

George:
I bought the most watered down beer I could find. Chicks like it because it doesn't taste like beer. And we're going to be having a lot of chicks here. For all the spring break honeys, that's going to be perfect. But we still need more supplies.

Drew:
What supplies might we need?

George:
Condoms, daiquiri mix, Air Supply CDs. You know, the essentials.

Drew:
Air Supply?

George:
Nothing gets the ladies going like "All Out of Love." Me and Poseidon are going to be sailing the high seas of suggestible college girls.

Drew:
"Poseidon"?

George:
That's the name of my penis.

Drew:
When you asked me if I wanted to experience "The Poseidon Adventure" I thought you were just talking about the movie.

George:
[still a bit ashamed] No. I was.

Drew:
So every time I hear two voices coming from your room, that's just you talking with your penis? I just thought you were a popular guy.

George:
Popular with penises.

Drew:
3, 2, 1...

George:
Okay, that didn't come out how I wanted.

Drew:
I have devised a plan most devious. You're going to stay strapped to that chair and watch nine hours of the popular DVD series "Girls Gone Wild."

George:
That's got to be the worst punishment in the history of punishments.

Drew:
Think about it, George. How long does a flash last? Five seconds? That's 12 a minute... 720 an hour for 9 hours. By the time I'm through with you, your penis won't know what hit it!

Drew:
Oh I just got the DVD of "The Breakfast Club." Why don't we watch that scene where Molly Ringwald puts the lipstick on with her b*obs over and over again?

George:
["All Out of Love" plays] All right! I admit it. There's no thunder down under.

Drew:
Ha, I knew it.

George:
I haven't gotten mighty Thor's hammer to pound for three days now.

Drew:
I knew it. You've become completely desensitized to nudity.

George:
I could sue you.

Drew:
For what? Taking the tingle out of your dingle? So your ballpark frank doesn't plump when you cook it? So what?

George:
You don't understand. He's all I got. Nudity is important in my life. It's Spring Break, whooo. We're about to go to Boob City and I don't have a passport.

George:
[to his penis] Come on, this is the playoffs!

Drunk Girl #1:
Maybe we should all get in the shower together.

George:
[to his penis] Did you not hear that?

Drunk Girl #2:
Okay, but you're going to have to help me wash my b*obs.

George:
Dammit.

Drew:
So, what's your favorite color?

Drunk Girl #2:
My favorite color is... [lifts shirt and flashes Drew]

Drew:
That kicks green's ass.

George:
Okay, we can do this. Carmen Electra. Pamela Anderson. Jennifer Love Hewitt.

George's Penis:
Paul Newman.

George:
I don't think you get what we're trying to do here.

Drunk Girl #1:
You think we're just a whole bunch of drunk girls who just enjoy flashing and kissing each other? [aside] Drunk girl 2, would you please stop flashing the coat rack, you're diminishing my point.

Drunk Girl #2:
Sorry.

Drew:
HYPNO B*OBS?

George:
Those are very impressive mammaries, my young lady.

George:
The weirdest thing happened in the kitchen. Well it was kind of hot but then she disappeared, kind of like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Drew:
[gagged cries]

George:
Well I know the Wicked Witch of the West was pretty hot.

Drew:
[gagged cries]

George:
Well of course I've fantasized about it, but I'm pretty sure the woman who played the Wicked Witch of the West is dead.

Drew:
[gagged cries]

George:
Margaret Hamilton. She was so good in that role but she never captured that former glory.

Drew:
[gagged cries]

George:
I know but Dorothy was a little too hippy for my tastes.

George:
How do I defeat them?

Drew:
With water. Didn't you see that movie, "Signs"?

George:
Yeah, I always thought that was kinda bull, that, you know, that the aliens are weak by something so essential for life. I mean what about all that water in our atmosphere? And they're landing on a planet that's 75 percent water. I mean with all that water in our atmosphere how are they gonna land their spaceship?

Drew:
George, there's no time. You have to fight the aliens but the water's been turned off.

George:
Well where am I going to find something so close to water? [stares at light beer in his hand - eureka]

Heather:
I was just wondering. Do you have a girlfriend?

George:
Oh, uh...

George's Brain:
All right George, time to let her down easy. Wait a minute, what if she was asking for her friend, Carmen Electra? I'm only assuming that if Carmen Electra was interested in me, she'd be too shy to ask for herself. Very sneaky, Carmen, sending in Heather to do you reconnaissance work. All right, I'll play along.

George:
I got this weird vibe from her. Check this out. Before she left, she said, "I'm only 19." So I don't know if that was, "If you have apprehensions about dating a 19-year-old, I'm telling you now, " or if she was saying, "Hey, let me sweeten the deal a little bit. I'm only 19. Huh? Trump card. Yathze. Double bluff. Jenga. Check."

Drew:
You think she was using her age as a bargaining chip?

George:
Well 20 is usually the age where girls realize I'm not a good catch.

Heather:
Wait, you forgot our anniversary, didn't you?

George:
This is not our anniversary.

Heather:
I can't believe you. I thought you were different, but you're all the same, only thinking about yourself. You better be careful. If you don't start treating me with some respect... in about two years, I'll start thinking about leaving you!

George:
They don't know he's dead!

George:
I have got a film festival to end all film festivals. I am proud to introduce to you... the entire body swap movie collection from the 1980s. I have, in my hands, "Vice Versa," "Like Father, Like Son," "18 Again," and, I needed a fourth so I just got "Weekend at Bernie's 2."

Drew:
Ah the body swap movies. You know I always stayed awake at night wondering how Judge Reinhold would be like as a little kid.

George:
Man, dating my boss' daughter has always been a fantasy of mine. It's like, what I'm trying to do with her, her dad's already been doing to me for six months.

George:
I can't hang out with you 24-7!

Drew:
Tell that to the meatloaf I made!

George:
You made meatloaf?

Drew:
I did, but now it's more of a meat log.

George:
Look, don't take your frustrations out on the meat.

Drew:
No, you listen. You do this every time! And I'm warning you, if you bail on me for the Pepsi Challenge tomorrow, I can't be held accountable for my actions.

George:
I can't believe you. You know every time it seems like we're going to hang out something happens and then I hear a bunch of choreographed fight scenes coming from the other room. And I don't know what kind of hobbies you have without me, but I'm getting a little tired of cleaning up all these severed body parts around the house.

Drew:
Don't you ever question the path that has been chosen for me!

George:
Oh I'm questioning it, baby.

Drew:
Well how about you? You go through more girls than changes of pants. You're running around with floozies all the time. You have to make a decision what's more important: bros or hos?

George:
Listen up, Chestnut. I'm going on my date tomorrow. And if you mess this up for me again...

Drew:
Prick up your ears, Buster Brown. I'm going to take that Pepsi Challenge tomorrow, and if you screw this up for me...

George:
Listen close, Donny Most. If you don't stop interfering in my romantic life...

Drew:
Here this, Jack Twist. Sparkling wordplay aside, you must think about returning these video tapes.

George:
Well I can't do it. I got a date tomorrow.

Drew:
Well I can't return them. I'm gong to be up to my neck in bubbly, caramel-y liquid.

George:
They're due tonight by midnight. You better do something.

George, Drew:
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!

George:
So we must have...

Drew:
Changed places.

George:
But that means...

Drew:
So we're both- [Both scream]

George:
This is just like that movie.

Drew:
What movie, "The Jerk"? Cause that's whose body I'm in. A jerk.

George:
I was thinking more along the lines of "Cry Me a River Over the Bridge Kwai."

Drew:
That doesn't even make sense from a dyslexic point of view.

George:
Hey, Jimmy Buffet called. He wants this shirt back.

Drew:
Oh, well I should be fine once I grow in my rockin' goatee. Oh wait, that's right, I'm the hormonal equivalent of a 15-year-old girl.

George:
I didn't think it was possible for two people of the same age, race, and gender to swap bodies.

George:
Maybe what we have to do is live a 24-hour period as each other. You know, learn the world from the other person's perspective.

Drew:
Fine. But I'm not looking forward to masturbating in your body. I mean, masturbating with your body. I mean...

Drew:
[reads off cards] "How was your day?"

Bree:
I had a rough day at work again.

Drew:
[reading off cards] Make Georgie happy and commence with the love machine.

Bree:
Whoa, slow down there. We still have a second date to finish.

George:
How are things going with Bree?

Drew:
I think it's going fine, but I think she might want to have, you know, relations.

George:
I thought this might happen. Who could resist this handsome face of mine?

Drew:
I don't think you understand how serious this is.

George:
God I'm handsome.

Drew:
I just don't feel comfortable making love in your body. [sees hand on his crotch] For the last time, will you get my hand off of your balls.

Bree:
I thought you were allergic to shellfish?

Drew:
[vomits] Why did George tell me nothing of his food allergies?

George:
[vomits] Why do I always forget I'm allergic to shellfish? My God it is tasty though. [eats some and then vomits]

Melanie:
I don't know what's going on. I start playing a wonderful game of hide and seek with you, and eight days later, I find you with another woman.

Drew:
Bree, I'm not going to lie to you. You know how some houses come with a dishwasher. This one came with a closet girl.

Neighbor Ned:
[being attacked by zombie with power tool] Ahhh, you're killing me with my own tools. I know that tool from anywhere. It's got my name in the bottom. Make sure you charge it when you're done.

George:
[Melanie runs past] Melanie? Damn you're a good hider!

George:
By Fred Savage's awkward pubescence, a zombie! They're real!

Bree:
There's no need for explanation. I found all the gay porn in your bedroom.

Drew:
Oh that? Oh yeah, I am so gay it's not even funny.

Bree:
I understand.

Drew:
No, I don't think you understand. Think about the gayest person in the world, and think about ten times gayer than that, and then you have me, George. George is gay.

Drew:
George, after last night I understand everything. It's rough, you know, romancing a woman, telling her you were super gay. I realize now you make as much time for me as you can.

George:
Drew, with all the beer I've drank tonight, I haven't learned a thing. Oh, and by the way, sorry about the mess I left in all your pants. Couldn't get used to certain parts of your body. Oh and also, we don't have to worry about returning our neighbor's power tools, 'cause he's dead in our kitchen.

Drew:
Well that's good.

Drew:
George, there's something you need to know. I fight zombies on pretty much a nightly basis. If you don't stop them from attacking, who knows what will happen?

George:
Drew, that's ridiculous, but I promise to stay up all night drinking beer and fighting anybody who walks into our back yard. Just like when the Mormons moved into town.