The Kids in the Hall

Wife:
What is it?

Husband:
It's a chicken... but it's also a kid. It's a chicken-kid.

Dave:
Hi, I'm just writing a letter to someone in the hospital. You know it's always kinda hard to find the right words to say. You know, somehow "How's the weather in the hospital? Sure is nice outside" just doesn't work. But you gotta try, you know, you gotta show your concern. So here's what I got so far: "Dear Guy, I clotheslined as you went by on your bicycle. You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone. Now, I've asked myself over and over, why did I clothesline that guy? Perhaps I watched too much slapstick as a kid and expected you to get up after being violently assaulted. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although not so confused that I'd actually hang around. In all fairness, it was pretty funny. I mean, the last thing you'd expect as you were riding merrily by on your bike is that someone you didn't know at all would stick out his arm and crush your throat. I mean, you really should've seen it, it was just like, wham! Bam!

[chuckles]

Dave:
Anyway... in closing, as you lay there convalescing in your hospital bed, I'm forced to wonder, what were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk anyway? Huh, ya a**hole? SideWALK? Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves. Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea."

Filipino kid:
You are American?

Tourist:
No, I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but without the gun.

Dave:
I was born in that house. And you know what? I intend to die there. Oh, I don't live there anymore, but that's where I'm going to die. Die in the house where I was born. Sort of a dream of mine. So, whenever I'm feeling a little bit sick, I just come down here. You know, just in case. Right now, I've got a bit of a cold, but it could escalate.

Mark:
[Mark and Scott dressed as cowboys walk into a bar] Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Scott:
Yeeeeeeeeep. [Scott reaches into his vest and pulls out a wad of cash]

Mark:
Ladies and gentlemen! [singing] He's gonna give away a thousand dollars! Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars? [shuffling toward people and pointing at them] Could be you or it could be you 'cause... Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars? He's gonna give away a thousand dollars!

Scott:
[Scott moves towards Bruce, who is seated at a table and points at him] Yep!

Mark:
[singing once again] You're gonna get a thousand dollars! [Scott gives Bruce the cash] He just gave you a thousand dollars! Count it up!

Bruce:
Thanks!

Mark:
Yep. Yep. Yep.

Scott:
[Scott reaches into his vest once again, but this time pulls out his fist, clenched]

Mark:
[singing] Someone's gonna get a punch in the head! Who d'ya thinks gonna get a punch in the head?

Buddy Cole:
What are the odds? I can't believe it. Here I am, stranded on a desert island. And my only supplies are my favorite book - "All About Rhoda" by Peggy Hertz from Scholastic Press. And my favorite album - Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams: "That's What Friends Are For." I always like to have an ex-lover's music around; Denise is good, too. And, for companionship, the one and only Oscar Wilde. Oscar, say something funny.

Oscar Wilde:
Shall I?

Buddy Cole:
Yes, do your stuff. Do the "Wilde" thing.

Oscar Wilde:
Well, Buddy, I recall as I laid dying in my death bed, I came out of my stupor momentarily and declared with perfect aplomb, "Either that wallpaper goes or I do!" [laughs]

Buddy Cole:
Oh, that was rich, Oscar! Oh, jeez, let me catch my breath for a second. Oh, oh, I am so glad that I brought you and not someone common.

Oscar Wilde:
Message received, Buddy. You know, Buddy, the trouble with the common man...

Buddy Cole:
Yes?

Oscar Wilde:
...is that he is so unbearably common! [laughs]

Buddy Cole:
Oh Oscar, funny, but you're such a snob.

Oscar Wilde:
Oh, that's my charm.

Buddy Cole:
Oh, oh, it's really too bad that you're dead.

Oscar Wilde:
Oh, I know.

Buddy Cole:
Does it bother you?

Oscar Wilde:
Well, you know Buddy, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. [laughs] What? Philadelphia!

Buddy Cole:
That's funny, but W.C. Fields said it.

Oscar Wilde:
Well, yes, if you had been listening to me correctly, Buddy, what you would have heard me say was, "I may have been born yesterday but I still went shopping."

Buddy Cole:
That was me.

Oscar Wilde:
Oh, yes, yes. [Coughs] Well, I seem to be getting a bit of laryngitis, Buddy. I'm afraid there'll be no more quipping today.

Buddy Cole:
Oscar, please, stop with the laryngitis nonsense. You're pathetic. You would have never lasted on television. I'll bet what you really said on your death bed was something more like, "Sh*t!"

Hildy:
You know what I love about you? Your constancy. You haven't changed one bit in 20 years.

Jean:
Oh, I have.

Hildy:
No, you haven't.

Jean:
Yes, I have. I'm more afraid of change and I'm less tolerant of other cultures.

Gunslinger:
I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it.

Doctor:
I figured, "How far could I coast on charm?" Well, pretty far actually.

McGillicuty:
Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team.

Greene:
No. I'm a vaudevillian.

McGillicuty:
No, I think you manage a baseball team.

Greene:
Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team.

McGillicuty:
I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays.

Greene:
Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base.

McGillicuty:
Who's on first base?

Greene:
Yes.

McGillicuty:
Who?

Greene:
Yes, who is the man on first base.

McGillicuty:
Why are you asking me; I'm asking you. What's the name of the guy on first base?

Greene:
No no, Watt is on - oh, I see what your problem is. Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions.

McGillicuty:
I dunno. [whispers] Third base.

Greene:
Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase "Gee, I dunno," but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno.

McGillicuty:
That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals.

Greene:
What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job.

Construction Worker:
The only thing worse than not having a job is looking for one.

Bruce:
The moon is bright... over Lebanon tonight, the Lebanese moon looks down, shim sham shacam, cattle explode, cow shrapnel drips off tree into mother's tear for little boy who goes on into battle and comes back dead, or worse, a *man*.

Alien #1:
Ready the anal probe.

Alien #2:
Anal probe is ready.

Alien #1:
Commence anal probing.

Sir Simon Milligan:
Let me guess, this is... Jed?

Hecubus:
No. No. This is Julio. AAAI-YI-YI-YIIIIIII.

Sir Simon Milligan:
Now we're cooking with EVIL gas. Now Julio, how long have you been in the brain, may I ask?

Hecubus:
I have... okay I can't take it - it's still Fred. I got you. I got you good. Hahaha.

Sir Simon Milligan:
...eeevil.

Alien #1:
We've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes, and all that we have learned is that one in ten doesn't really seem to mind.

Cory:
If I can't keep Mr. Stevenson, I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn gay.

[Last line of the series]

Paul Bellini:
[dances on the Kids' grave, sniffing a lily] Thank God, that's finally over.

[the secretaries have all been fired]

Kathie:
Tanya. Tanya. What are you doing?

Tanya:
Photocopying my breasts - I'm going back to stripping.

Kathie and Cath:
[to themselves in unison] Temp slut. Temp slut.

Head Crushing Guy:
I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head. Crush. Crush.

Girl:
Wanna know somethin'? [Runs up to the camera] It's a fact. The Queen of England doesn't know her ABC's anymore. [Ducks]

Queen Of England:
[singing] A-B-C-D-X-P-Q, R-X-Y-D... [spoken] Hello. [sings] R... E... [sings] Rule, Brittania.

Girl:
[comes back up] Sad, eh? She's old. It's a fact. [Runs off]

Art Teacher:
I'm sorry, but naked, fat, black, crippled dykes are hard to come by.

Man #1:
So it was a good movie. It wasn't a great movie, but how often do you see a great movie?

Man #2:
Oh, I saw a great movie last night. Yeah, it was on the late show. It was... um... uh... uh... oh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's... um... uh... oh, I hate this! I hate it when this happens!

Man #1:
Well, what was it about?

Man #2:
Uh, it's about this newspaper tycoon and he's dead and everybody's telling stories about him and...

Man #1:
It's "Citizen Kane."

Man #2:
No, that's not it. No, no, no, no. But it's something like that. It's uh... it's um...

Man #1:
Okay, who was in it?

Man #2:
Orson Welles is in it. And it's called...

Man #1:
Then this is "Citizen Kane." It's "Citizen Kane."

Man #2:
No, that isn't it. That's isn't it, but you're not far from it. It's uh...

Man #1:
Well, who else was in it?

Man #2:
Uh... I don't know.

Man #1:
Was Joseph Cotten in it?

Man #2:
What else has he been in?

Man #1:
"The Third Man," "The Magnificent Ambersons"...

Man #2:
Oh, "The Magnificent Ambersons!" Yes! Yes, yes, he was in it! Yes! Oh, that's one of my favorite Orson Welles movies!

Man #1:
Well, this is definitely "Citizen Kane," then. You're talking about "Citizen Kane."

Man #2:
No... no, no. But it's... it's something like that.

Mass Murderer:
The difficult thing about being a mass murderer isn't the murdering part. It's the mass part. It's the pace you've gotta keep up, the sheer volume of murdering. 'Cause the funny thing about killing: After the first time you've killed, the second time it's easy. The third time you start to get cocky, so you gotta be careful. You know, you gotta stay humble or you make dumb mistakes. And, oh, by around the seventh time you're likely to feel like you're in a bit of a rut. Want to get artistic with it, you know, start cutting off the middle toe of each victim so you'll be known as "The Middle Toe Murderer." By that point, I don't know, I think that's showboating. You know, you gotta ask yourself: "Who am I doing this for? Am I doing it for myself or for the press?" Around about the twentieth murder, well, you're likely to be sick of the whole thing. You know, sometimes I don't even want to look at another corpse. I feel if I even see a chainsaw, I'll scream. It's like what happened the other day: I had just finished ending a human life in a senseless act of violence when I run into this old friend of mine from high school. And he says, "Hey! Whatcha been doin'?" And I think to myself, "What HAVE I been doing? What am I doing with my life? Where's this leading? Am I gonna be doing this at fifty?" Sometimes I think I really should go back to college.

Mr. B:
An optimist says, "The drink is half full." A pessimist says, "The drink is half full, but I might have bowel cancer."

Fran:
Gordon, what are you doing up, hon? It's after two o'clock in the morning.

Gordon:
It's that salty bloody ham!

Fran:
The ham we had at dinner?

Gordon:
Yes! Was there another ham?

Fran:
You didn't like it...

Gordon:
No, I didn't like the ham, dear. It was a little bit salty, thanks.

Fran:
Well, you certainly wolfed enough of it down.

Gordon:
I didn't wolf it down. A man works all day, he expects a normal ham meal, not Goddamn bastard brine!

Fran:
I don't know what could have gone wrong...

Gordon:
Well, SOMETHING did!

Fran:
I didn't do anything different... I went down to Deatrix and picked myself up a choice six pound Virginia ham.

Gordon:
Did you drop it in SALT on the way home, perhaps?

Scott:
Hi there, I'm Scott Thompson, and for those of you who are wondering, yes, I'm the fag.

Kevin:
Hi, I'm Kevin McDonald. Or, as you might know me at home, "the Kid in the Hall we don't like."

Rick Metheral:
I believe the aliens are here to collect decorative spoons. My own store has been visited three times by three separate groups of aliens, and each time, although they initially expressed a lot of interest in the beer mug shaped like a tit, their only purchase was the Stevenville commemorative spoon. In fact, the last group complained, quite tellingly, I think. They said, "Why don't you have a spoon that just says 'Earth?' It would save time."

Dave:
Well, this is the place I've been telling you about.

Kevin:
Yeah, it's really nice. So, what do you eat when you come here?

Dave:
Well, I'll tell ya. If you're gonna eat here, you've got to try the Shitty Soup.

Kevin:
Shitty Soup?

Dave:
Oh yeah, everyone that comes here has the Shitty Soup.

Kevin:
It doesn't sound that great.

Dave:
Oh, it's not, it's awful. That's why they call it "shitty."

Darrill:
Now that that's done, let's turn our attention back to the lovers. Now, when I brought in the canvas from the storeroom today, Martin, our cameraman, remarked that he thought the lovers looked... well, how did you put it, Martin?

Martin:
I said I thought they were fags.

Darrill:
I think what he meant is vague. And I agree. So, let's give them something, shall we? Now if you remember all great paintings have an element of tragedy to them. Uh, for instance if you remember from last week, the unicorn was stuck on the aircraft carrier and couldn't get off. That was very sad. Uh... and this week some of you wrote in with your suggestions. In fact, Mrs. Trabinsky of Paulvale Street wrote in and suggested we give this lover a tumor in his head. So, let's begin! Now color is especially important with a tumor. You want some red, and you want some green, and you want a little bit of blue to make it out... There. Can you see that? That's a really nice color for a tumor, isn't it?

Silvee:
What's wrong, my Michelle?

Michelle:
Oh, Silvee, I can't stop thinking about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he'll ever return someday.

Silvee:
Oh, Michelle.

Michelle:
Hmmm?

Silvee:
You have to stop lying awake wondering about Tony, wondering where he is, who he could be with, what he's thinking, if he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return one day.

Michelle:
Oh.

Silvee, Michelle:
[Man enters] What?

Man:
Upstairs we are having a fabulous party, but we've run out of wine. So I am forced to borrow a bottle of yours. My God, it stinks in here! It stinks of stupid women wondering about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what he's thinking, whether he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return someday.

Gavin:
My mom says that if there's a depression, that I'll have to enter a dance marathon.

Daddy:
All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep.

Daddy:
Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many girls called you yesterday? Lemme guess: zero? Well, you know what they say, son. Zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about it, ya little mathematician.

Daddy:
Hey, son, you know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a puppy? Well, today after work, I went out and I bought you one. But on the way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I'm joking; I'd never buy you a puppy.

Jerry Sizzler:
Good evening, pricks. I'm Jerry Sizzler and this is my sister...

Jerry Sizzler:
Jerry Sizzler!

Jerry Sizzler:
We of course are two lounge singers...

Jerry Sizzler:
And not two clearly insane people!

Sir Simon Milligan:
Hecubus, have you seen the movie "Presumed Innocent?"

Hecubus:
Yes I have, Master, and his wife killed her.

Sir Simon Milligan:
But Hecubus, I haven't seen the movie yet... Evil! Evil!

Mark:
What's wrong with you? Having your period?

Dave:
What if I was, huh?

Mark:
Do you want to step outside?

Dave:
No, I just want to have a period, that's all. Just one a month, okay?

Guy #1:
I know it's a clich?, but my favorite album of all time is still "Sgt. Pepper's."

Guy #2:
"Sgt. Pepper's"? What's that?

Guy #1:
Only the Beatles' most famous album!

Guy #2:
I'm sorry, the Beatles? Who are they?

Guy #1:
The best group of the sixties!

Guy #2:
Oh, the sixties. I didn't hear much music in the sixties.

Guy #1:
What are you talking about?

Guy #2:
Well, dad always was a little crazy. After the car accident he started medication and things got worse. One night he woke me up and knocked me out. He brought me down to the basement where I lived for the next ten years. I heard no music, I had no friends. They shoved food under the door so I had to eat pancakes and pizza. It was awful, but I survived.

Guy #1:
Gee, I'm sorry. I, uh, didn't know.

Guy #2:
Of course I've heard of the Beatles, you retard!

Guy:
You smell that? That's the smell of spring, and I love it. You know what I love to do in spring? I love to come out into the woods, to walk amongst the budding trees, to smell and taste the hint of renewal that hovers in the air like a heady perfume, and to listen to the song of the birds who have returned from their long sojourn south. And bury the people I killed during the winter.

Guy:
Hello? I want you to tell me where a shoe store is because I want to look for a pair of shoes and buy 'em.

Shopkeeper:
I'm sorry. I'd love to be of assistance to you, but I'm afraid I speak no English. Allow me to reiterate, I speak no English. Perhaps this will wash the confusion from your face, my friend. My apparent fluency is the result of constant repetition. As you can imagine, I have been through this speech many times before, in fact, I could repeat it for you in any one of seven different languages. Yet oddly enough , I've never learned to speak it in my own, which is fine since over the years I have forgotten how to speak my own language.

Manny Coon:
I was born in a brothel in a town which now no longer exists. When I was born, my mother mistook the afterbirth as my twin. And the cuter one, too, apparently, as I was immediately sold to the cleaning woman for a stamp. The cleaning woman, who went by the name of Magda, lived out at the edge of town in an abandoned freezer with a bum named Lucky. Magda and Lucky used to fight over whose turn it was to beat me. So to distract myself from the misery of my surroundings, I began to draw. And I drew whatever I could get my hands on - flattened Kleenex boxes, tin cans, fruit... but nothing fresh. I never had a piece of fresh fruit until I was twenty-one, and it was a lime. I still take the existence of peaches on hearsay. I was kicked out of the freezer when I reached puberty, so I hit the open road in search of fame and fortune. For the next ten years I wandered, sorta like that German Shepherd, Hobo, except I don't lick strangers' faces unless I'm f***ing them.

Buddy Cole:
Show business is full of actors, singers, dancers, models. And then there's me: Actor, singer, dancer, model... Canadian.

Brad:
Every time I come to this city, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leafs game, gets me pissed, and then tries to blow me. Why can't people like me for me?

Bruce:
I look at Ms. Manythroats and it's like, "Who would f*** you?" She should be bisexual. It would increase her chances.

Restaurant Manager:
[a customer has been waiting to get his bill for fifteen minutes] What do you want, sir?

Customer:
I want what I have been waiting for, for nine hours! My bill!

Captain:
[a ship that should be in the South Pacific is in the North Atlantic] How did we end up here, Mr. Navigator?

Navigator:
I don't know, sir.

Captain:
You're not a very good navigator, are you?

Navigator:
No, I'm not, sir.

Captain:
Then how did you get this job?

Navigator:
You liked my hair, sir.

Captain:
Ah, yes.

Reporter:
Tammy, what's your stand on abortion?

Tammy:
Never on the first date.

Sir Simon Milligan:
And now, the sleep of ages! Saba, lava, kuti! Hecubus, are you sleeping?

Hecubus:
[very monotone] Yes, Master.

Sir Simon Milligan:
[to audience] If Hecubus is sleeping, how could he answer me? Maybe because... he lied? Dirty dirty liar! Evil evil white boy! He lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied!

Buddy Holly:
Oh, there's the Big Bopper, the diarrhea king himself!

Buddy Cole:
People make fun of me because I lisp. Really! Such a fuss over a few extra S's!

Queen Of England:
Hello, loyal subject! I strongly suggest that you stay down.

Kevin:
Give me some change for the phone.

Bruce:
No, frankly I'm sick of you nickel and diming me to death

Kevin:
What?

Bruce:
A dollar here, a dollar there, it adds up you know!

Kevin:
Our dad just died!

Bruce:
So maybe we should split the cost of the call.

Sir Simon Milligan:
Oh, waiter? [Waiter ignores him] See, this place is evil! Evil part-timer! Evil waiter will receive an unholy tip!

Sorority Party:
All the girls want to know: Who's the cutest guy on Death Row?

Man Oblivious about his Wife being a Prostitute:
People say Boarding School is cruel, but I think it enriched me...

Girl:
Wanna know something?

Queen Of England:
In my day if a girl was born with red hair she was considered to be irreparably evil and drowned as a Witch!

Dave:
So you're not from Toronto?

Chicken Lady:
No, just moved here, come on in!

Dave:
What are you?

Chicken Lady:
Gee you're not too bright. I'm a Chicken Lady. And I love life, do you love life?

Dave:
Yeah.

Chicken Lady:
Good, 'cos I put that in my Personal. "Chicken Lady Loves Life!"

Dave:
Chicken Lady? I never took that literally!

Chicken Lady:
I made you an omelette, since I figured you wouldn't like bugs.

Dave:
Oh, thank you. Mmm, it's good.

Chicken Lady:
That's 'cos they're fresh. Straight out of my body and onto your plate! [Dave screams and runs out]

Best Man:
So I'd finally got them together at this party, and they were talking. But you know, just talking. So I walked past and sort of hip-chucked him into her, and when I looked back they were kissing! And now it's six months later, they're getting married AND I'M STILL SINGLE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? I MEAN, I'M SO LONELY, I REALLY AM! [someone comforts him] Don't touch me, don't touch me!

Best Man:
[wanders off]

Best Man:
Mummy? Daddy?

Alien Anal Probe Victim:
Why does everything always happen to me?

Pyromaniac:
You can't fire me, I'm French!

Dave:
She's got a point.

Colleague:
Come on, I'll grease you up for the Alonkulator.

20-minute coma guy:
The Alonkulator?

Colleague:
You have much to learn, my friend. It's this way to the grease pit.

20-minute coma guy:
So the grease is important?

Colleague:
It is to me.

Darrill:
There's a kangaroo on my balcony, I wish he'd go away!

Sir Simon Milligan:
May I assume your last boyfriend was a bastard?

Helen Bathgate:
Yes

Sir Simon Milligan:
Well, then, tell me about him.

Helen Bathgate:
He had a Cabbage for a head!

Tarantula:
[the other Tarantula gets trodden on] Fran? FRAN? REVENGE!

Scott:
[punched out by his lover] Wow. Maybe girls weren't such a bad idea.

Bruce:
I don't think we look alike. For one thing, I'm not a big fat bald guy.

Big fat bald guy:
Well, not yet.

Cool New Mom:
One day, you'll look back on this as the best time of your life.

Grieving Child:
I sure hope not!

Daddy:
Hey son, you know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a puppy? Well today after work, I went out and bought you one. But on the way home I got hungry, and I ate it! I'm joking. I'd never buy you a puppy.

Poreef Salesman:
Ma'am, do I come to YOUR job and jump up and down on the edge of the bed?