The Red Green Show

Harold Green:
Welcome to "Harold's Handy Crafts" where crafty hands make handy crafts!

Ranger Gord:
Where there's smoke, there's fire; where there's fire, there's Ranger Gord; where there's Ranger Gord, there's... nothing...

Red Green:
If a person could find a better way to kill bugs, they would not only get rich, they'd probably get a lot more dates.

Harold Green:
We have a condom machine at school. It's always broken, but it's fun to think about.

Harold Green:
Where does cheese come from, anyway?

Red Green:
I'm not sure but I think butter comes from leaving milk out too long.

Harold Green:
Maybe cheese is butter that has been left out too long...

Red Green:
Yeah, could be... but I always thought cheese was a urine product. No, maybe that's cheez-whiz.

Red Green:
If repetition wasn't a good thing, why would people get married?

Red Green:
Men are like gas, they take up the space available.

Red Green:
There's only two things that excite a man, expensive toys and real expensive toys.

Reg Hunter:
"Vegetarian" is an old Indian word meaning "I don't hunt so good."

Red Green:
Remember, you may have to grow old, but you don't have to mature.

Red Green:
If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

[repeated line]

Red Green:
And men, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

[the "Men Anonymous" pledge, or the Man's Prayer]

All:
I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

Edgar Montrose:
Your wife left you? Blow up the stove. Otherwise you'll start cooking for yourself and that's dangerous.

Glen Braxton:
It is physically impossible to drink a five-gallon pail full of water while lying down.

Red Green:
There is a historical significance to party boats, going back to um, Cleopatra and um, Moses, and um the crew of the Exxon-Valdez.

Red Green:
The Red Green Show is kind of like the flu; not everybody gets it.

Red Green:
You know me, safety forced.

Ranger Gord:
I'm Ranger Gord... what year is it?

Arnie Dogen:
[singing] When you feel like a toad on the highway of life... and everyone seems like a steel-belted radial... when you're lyin' there squished in an assortment of bodily fluids... at least you left your mark.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, they're weighin' the fish at the fish weigh-in, down at Mercury Creek / The prize is a boat and a thousand bucks for the biggest fish of the week / I caught me a nice little sunfish, it's gonna make me a winner / Not from the weight of the fish itself, but the ball bearings I fed it for dinner.

Red Green:
Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together!

Red Green:
We now come to the part of the show called "If it ain't broke, you're not trying!"

Red Green:
[announcement at the lodge meeting] Old man Sedgwick says, if anybody finds a black-and-white cat that answers to the name 'Screech', would they please keep it?

Red Green:
And the best part is, Junior doesn't need a license to fly it. Apparently, it qualifies as a 'manned kite'. Or a 'manned lightning rod'; we'll see.

Red Green:
[singing] This is a love song, more or less for my wife / She's the best thing - or one of the better things - to happen to me, in my life / I'd say what I am, I am because of her - but she wouldn't take that as a compliment / I consider to be perfect - or almost perfect, in a lot of ways / But she could back off on the nagging; that wouldn't hurt at all. Happy Anniversary, Bernice.

[closing line of each episode]

Red Green:
And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge... keep your stick on the ice.

Red Green:
All it takes is a little imagination, some mechanical ability, and neighbors who mind their own business.

Harold Green:
Or you could pick a job without a mandatory retirement age. Like a politician.

Red Green:
Or a car thief.

Red Green:
Well, I'm not gonna be calling the U.S. Air Force, Harold. What do I say? We've got a missile? They take that as a threat, we're in real trouble.

Harold Green:
Well, then, contact the Canadian Air Force.

Red Green:
Harold, it's after six; he's gone home.

Red Green:
You ever see one of these? It's called a GPS, which stands for - well, who cares? Point is, this thing uses satellites to tell you where you are, which means that every man can have a five-hundred-dollar reason not to ask for directions.

Red Green:
If my wife Bernice is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I learned today that you cannot change an ugly thing by hiding it. But I'm still not going to shave my beard off.

Red Green:
[advice on why not to re-marry] She's marrying you for the exact opposite reason you're marrying her: she thinks you'll change. She thinks you'll change, for the BETTER. Things don't get better as they get older. Look at your truck. Look at your roof. Look in the MIRROR!

Red Green:
[singing] Tougher than iron, not one ounce of fat / All sinew and muscle, and blacker than black... I guess I burned the steaks again.

Red Green:
[singing] When life gets you down and you can't wait to die / when the slightest contusion puts tears in your eyes / Here's what I do when everything goes wrong / I go on my own TV show and sing a song / Oh well! At least I'm not a mole / Oh well! At least I'm not a mole - either kind / One I'm underground, totally blind / The other I'm a blemish on someone's behind / So put a smile on that long, long face... unless you're a mole, in which case I apologize for this insensitive song.

Red Green:
The handyman's secret weapon - duct tape.

Red Green:
[reciting Possum Log secret chant] Quando, Omni, Flunkus, Moritadi. Sit down.

Red Green:
Welcome to Possum Creek. Where men are men... and Harold here is my nephew.

Red Green:
If the time ever comes when the world turns its back on something just because it's old and useless... well, that'll be a sad day for me and most of my fans.

Red Green:
If life gives you lemons, throw 'em into a quart of vodka.

Harold Green:
Well, you know what I think...

Red Green:
It doesn't matter what you think, Harold. If you were married, you'd know that.

Red Green:
You can't be forgetting your wedding anniversary, Dalton.

Dalton Humphries:
Yeah, it's kind of ironic when the second dumbest think you ever did was to forget the dumbest thing you ever did.

Red Green:
I guess crime doesn't pay, huh, Mike?

Mike Hamar:
Not the way I do it.

Red Green:
Procrastination is like being intimate. The best things come at the end.

Red Green:
[Seeing Harold in a neckbrace] Did you hurt your neck, Harold, or have you been going to Don Cherry's tailor?

Red Green:
When the going gets tough, switch to power tools.

[Red enters the lodge, feeling depressed]

Red Green:
Harold, if the people of this community ever find out what we did in that parking lot to that cow, I will never be able to hold my head up high again.

Harold Green:
You actually did it, Uncle Red? You did that whole "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" thing to that poor little defenseless milk-maker?

Red Green:
We chickened out, Harold, every last one of us. There wasn't one guy who could look into those big brown eyes and nail her with a sledgehammer. Guys were sobbing and they got misty-eyed. At one point, Moose Thompson asked the cow to marry him. This is a dark day for the image of Possum Lodge.

Harold Green:
Well, I for one am very proud of you, Uncle Red.

Red Green:
Don't make it worse, Harold. I don't know how many vegetarians there are in this country, but I bet most of them work in slaughter houses. Eating meat is like having kids: the less you know about it, the more likely you are to go ahead.

Harold Green:
Well, I hope you apologize to the cow, because she's had a very stressful day.

Red Green:
Oh, you can tell that by the back seat of Stinky's Cadillac.

Dalton Humphries:
You know, it's not what you make, it's what you spend there. It's not what you pay, it's what you buy.

[Red talks about the Seven Stages of Parking]

Red Green:
Stage 1: You're a kid. All you have to park is your butt. Stage 2: You're a teenager and are out parking with a girl who has a good chance of being your future wife. Stage 3: You're married with kids and are now parking at a McDonald's with a play area. Stage 4: The kids have grown and are working, coincidentally, at McDonald's. Meanwhile, you've bought yourself a sportscar and are caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife. Stage 5: Now you're parking in the garage, where you're also living. Stage 6: You're old; no license, no car, no parking spot. Stage 7: You're parked. Permanently. You have your own parking spot. It even has your name over it.

Red Green:
Vehicles don't belong in the Middle Ages anyway. Except maybe for Buster's Edsel.

Harold Green:
You're wrong about what gives people zits, and you're wrong about what makes teenagers go blind.

Red Green:
Be generous with the duct tape, you know; spare the duct tape, spoil the job.

Harold Green:
Boy, people who don't even like the show are watching it now, ya know. It's like we're some big American network program or somethin'. Uncle Red, that is the power of hype. Hype works. Hype is cool. You don't have to have talent, good looks, brains, nothing, if you got enough hype.

Red Green:
You know I was thinking hype could really help you, Harold. You're hyper now, so just back off one letter, and you're there.

Winston Rothschild:
Hello, this is Winston Rothschild reminding you: "Your sewage is our bread and butter."

[During "The Experts", Red is asked what type of food to prepare and serve for a cookout]

Red Green:
Well, I find budget is the main consideration. For instance, we may be planning on having something like fish fry at the Lodge. 'Course, no one catches any. So we have to augment the menu and that always forces us over budget. And then we get all the whiners who want to know how the hot dogs and macaroni qualify as fish fry. So I just say, "Hey, just throw some worms in."

Harold Green:
Well, you sounded serious at the time!

Red Green:
Apparently the water in Possum Lake has just been declared okay for human consumption.

Harold Green:
Really? I wouldn't drink it.

Red Green:
So what? I said *human* consumption.

[Season 6 opening intro, displaying clips from the episode to be shown]

Red Green:
What you're looking at now are a bunch of segments from this particular show, the main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel!" I'll tell you something, if you want to make sense out of this program, you got to give it your undivided attention.

Red Green:
How did you learn so much about money?

Harold Green:
I watch that show "Traders."

Red Green:
Every mall has three things the same: clothes, stores and benches for the husbands to sit on.

Buzz Sherwood:
How old are you, Red?

Red Green:
47.

Harold Green:
You're 56!

Red Green:
I'm 52.

Harold Green:
Gotcha! [Pumps his arms in victory] Oh, oh, oh! Yeah!

Red Green:
Don't you just hate it when you come home from a hard day at the track and your wife hasn't shoveled the driveway? Next thing you know, not only is your car in the garage, but so is the door.

Harold Green:
[Referring to one of Red's many schemes] I don't want any judgments or anything, but I think your plan is flawed, badly flawed, like "Rescue 911"-type flawed.

Red Green:
Well, Harold, if we're gonna have to start comparing things with flaws in them, I don't think you're going to have a very nice day.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, you got your book; you hear the knock / But you don't care; the door is locked / Let them pound and yell and scream and shout / You know what they want; you know what they need / But you got there first with something to read / And they'll just have to learn to do without / The john is the only place where a man / Can put up his feet and turn on the fan / And read a book and know what it's actually about / Oh, but don't let it go to the bitter end / 'Cause every five minutes you lose another friend / And they'll all be waiting to kill you when you finally come out.

Red Green:
[poem] It is winter. When I was young, we never had fights in hockey. But we also never had helmets or protective padding or shields on our skate blades or smooth ice. We used broken, splintered sticks and a brick for a puck and big, hard rocks for the posts. But we didn't have fights. We didn't *need* fights.

Red Green:
Some men look at a problem like this and try to find a solution. I prefer to figure out whose fault it is and let them take care of it.

Harold Green:
I cannot believe the government continues to pay politicians after they die.

Red Green:
Well, it's so hard for them to tell, Harold.

[Red and Harold enter the Lodge after Harold was driving with Red]

Red Green:
Well, that wasn't so bad, Harold. Old Lady Benkman yelled a lot, but I think those shrubs were already dead.

Harold Green:
Badgers sleep in holes in the ground. How did one get in Old Man Sedgwick's pants?

Red Green:
Old Man Sedgwick was sleeping in a hole in the ground.

Buzz Sherwood:
If you're a pilot, you can use the roads and highways to steer your plane. Just remember, stay in the passing lane, or the motorists really yell at you.

Ranger Gord:
Who am I kidding? No one ever gets lost out here.

Red Green:
I don't know, Gord. You seem pretty out there to me.

Red Green:
I haven't had this much fun since my dad wore his rude t-shirt to parent-teacher night!

Red Green:
Okay, you got new neighbors moving in down the street. They look okay from a distance. But as you're peering at them through your binoculars to see if their faces look familiar to you from TV shows like "America's Most Wanted", your wife comes running into the bedroom and tells you to put your pants on, she's invited the new people over. Now, I know you will have a negative reaction because you're thinking that you already know way more people than you want to know, and anyone who would buy a house on the same street as a chlorine factory is an idiot. Except you, of course. But you've got entirely the wrong attitude. When the moving van pulls into the driveway, you run right over. You say, "Howdy, neighbor," all the time keeping an eye on everything coming out of the van. What you're looking for are power tools, gardening equipment and a big-screen TV. When it becomes obvious that they're a little more better off than you are, you try and figure out some way to get together at each other's houses at least once a week, maybe even more often during playoffs. It's okay to give a little as long as you get a lot. That's called free trade.

Winston Rothschild:
Winston Rothschild here from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, with a lesson for you: "There once was a man from Turkey, whose septics were plugged up and murky. They blamed it on lead from the pipes in the bed when the culprit was too much beef jerky."

Red Green:
The only thing Junior Singleton reads cover to cover is a matchbook.

Red Green:
One man's junk is another man's antique and if someone thinks rust and dust turns trash into cash, who am I to argue? These people are a lot smarter than we are.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low/It's the laws of Nature that make it so/If the valley is high and the mountain is low/You're either upside down or drunk or both.

Red Green:
Nothing bugs a handyman more than a stripper that works too slow.

[Dalton talks about his favorite car, a Chevy 2, which has apparently changed his life]

Dalton Humphries:
It taught me not to be materialistic, not to get attached to furniture or books and family photographs. Things just aren't that important. You know what? It's the money you make *selling* things that's important.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, I have one whisker on the end of my nose/And the more I shave it, the more it grows/I waxed it and stretched it until it was 40 inches long/And then it was hit by lightning and I was forced to rethink the whole project.

[Discussing Old Man Sedgwick's radio show]

Harold Green:
Does he speak Latin or did he just have his teeth out?

Red Green:
[poem] It is spring. Tadpoles swim in a stagnant pond, surrounded by floating lilies and water snakes. You're tempted to destroy their world with men and equipment, to dry up the swamp and kill the animals. But what the heck? You don't go down in the basement that often anyway.

[Red has learned that Old Man Sedgwick's son has moved back in with him]

Red Green:
Okay, so Old Man Sedgwick's son has moved back in with him, and you can tell by the broken furniture out on the front lawn and the duct tape they got dividing the rooms exactly in half that things are really not going all that well. Now, you tell me, what is the worst thing that could happen out of that scenario?

Harold Green:
Well, they could be heating their cabin, like, with a high-sulfur coal, you know? Then meanwhile, on top of the wood stove, both men are rinsing their teeth in the same pewter jar, right? And that would create this symbiotic hydrolysis, right? And then there'd be a thermal inversion, right? And then all of a sudden, the sulfur and ions, they'd have to collide with the dental plaque, right? And that'd accelerate the electrons to the point where there'd be this massive nuclear reaction, right? But it wouldn't kill them. Oh, no, it wouldn't kill them, Uncle Red. But indeed, yes, it would render them absolutely sterile for the rest of their lives!

[Harold laughs psychotically, then composes himself]

Harold Green:
I'm writing an episode of "The Outer Limits".

Red Green:
Harold, you *are* an episode of "The Outer Limits".

Red Green:
Why don't you come up to the highway and help us clean that up just for a little while, eh?

Harold Green:
Well, yeah, I could do that. I got some spare time.

Red Green:
All right, Harold. And when you get up there, clean it up as fast as you can. Don't talk to the other guys, eh?

Harold Green:
How come?

Red Green:
'Cause they'll kill you, Harold.

[Red tries to get Dalton to guess the word 'Paranoid']

Red Green:
You got two slippers. That makes a...?

Dalton Humphries:
Pair.

Red Green:
Someone bugs you, you get...?

Dalton Humphries:
Annoyed.

Red Green:
Put 'em together. Put 'em together.

Dalton Humphries:
You say someone's stealing my slippers to annoy me? You know, it's probably my neighbor, you know, because he's trying to get me. Sometimes I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture.

Red Green:
All right, and he thinks that way because he's...

Dalton Humphries:
...caught me doing it.

Red Green:
I know you teenagers watch a whole lot of television and you get kind of a mixed-up view of what the world is really like. The worst thing is that TV makes crime look good, where actually crime is bad. First of all, there's no such thing as a criminal mastermind, okay? The prison population is not a brain trust. If you ever skimmed through the mugshots down at the police station, you know you're not looking at the MIT graduating class. And if you're a criminal, one of these guys is going to be your roommates for the next 20 years. Also, if you get into the criminal line of work, you got to work a lot of nights, there are zero benefits and no one will come to your patio dinner party because they're afraid there's going to be a drive-by shooting. Despite what you see on television, most criminals either get caught or killed or they have to change their identity and move to a country where there's nothing worth stealing. So I'm asking you to just say no to assault, break-and-enter, arson, murder, theft, drug trafficking, and, oh yeah, real estate sales.

Red Green:
You're never too old to learn things.

Harold Green:
Are you ever too old to listen? You never listen, so I guess the answer is yes on that one.

Red Green:
I thought "Chariots of Fire" was a remake of "Ben Hur" with flame throwers.

Red Green:
We never heard of anyone getting rich during a *mold* rush.

Harold Green:
Well, mold has its values, too, because they use it to make things like bread and penicillin. Mold is not a bad thing.

Red Green:
Well, would you be willing to pay 400 bucks an ounce for it, Harold? If not, then it's a bad thing, because that's how much we spent to dig the gold mine.

Harold Green:
[Reading from a driver's manual] "Two drivers approach an umarked intersection at the same time. Who has the right-of-way?"

Red Green:
The guy in the big truck.

Harold Green:
No, Uncle Red. It says here, "The guy on the right always has the right-of-way."

Red Green:
Unless the other guy has the big truck.

Harold Green:
Uncle Red, check the manual.

Red Green:
Harold, check the cemetery.

Red Green:
[singing] When you wish upon a star / Make sure it's not our own sun / 'Cause wishing on our sun isn't much fun / Unless your wish is to burn out your retinas.

Red Green:
Harold, you want the truth?

Harold Green:
Yes!

Red Green:
You want the truth?

Harold Green:
I want the truth!

Red Green:
I can't handle the truth!

[the lodge members are trying to get into the record books]

Dalton Humphries:
What about you, Red? Is there anything you can do to set a world record?

Red Green:
Well, I could, but that's kind of between Bernice and I. I'm pretty sure they don't have that category. [he gestures towards the Guiness Book of World Records in Winston's hand]

Winston Rothschild:
[looking at the book] Oh, no, snoring is in here.

Red Green:
I love the Americans. I'm really happy the Americans are watching our show. But I'm not gonna change my tune now, okay? My tune is "O Canada!"

Harold Green:
That's wonderful! That's fantastic! I just thought I might mention at this point and time that American TV stars get $50,000 an episode.

Red Green:
All right. Well, my new tune is "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy."

Garth Harble:
You know, contrary to popular folklore, bats will not suck the blood out of your body. That's your boss' job.

Red Green:
Well, we got the old army tank towed up to the lodge. Man, that was a job and a half, I'll tell ya.

Harold Green:
Well, maybe you should've just hired a guy with a crane. He could've lifted it onto a flatbed truck and drive it up here.

Red Green:
Oh, yeah, and maybe I should've been born a millionaire. It's always money with you, isn't it, Harold? You need a tank moved, you pay someone. You need a roof reshingled, you pay someone. You need underwear, you pay someone. I just don't work that way, Harold.

Hap Shaughnessy:
I don't want to brag, but no less an actor than Charlton Heston told me that I could really act.

Red Green:
Well, he said that with a straight face, so I'm convinced.

Red Green:
Harold, Possum Lodge is not exactly a place of worship. If I could work miracles, would you still be here?

Harold Green:
Well, yes, *I* can work miracles, Uncle Red. [He plays the electronic instrument he has strapped on him; the audience laughs] See? I just raised this show from the dead.

Red Green:
Well, it can go back.

Red Green:
[poem] It is winter. We hitched the horse up to the sleigh, like Grandfather used to do. Over hills and through the dells we'd glide for an hour or two. And soon my ears are brittle and my mouth is frozen shut. My eyes are locked wide open and all I see is the horse's butt.

Red Green:
[singing] Fingers are handy, you must understand / You can do more things with your fingers than you can count on one hand / Work with them, point with them, pick with them, scratch / But if you give a big guy the finger, you may not get it back.

Red Green:
Pretty soon, you're going to find yourself going on and on about every topic under the sun, and you're going to wonder, "Why am I suddenly the Encyclopedia Britannica in shorts and a T-shirt? And why this urge to tell anyone with ears?" Well, you're a middle-aged man now. And middle-aged men know everything. Oh, yeah. Middle-aged men know the best route on any highway from one place to another place. We know how to fix stuff. We know how to cut the lawn properly. We know everything. But you got to keep this knowledge to yourself, all right? I know that you know that your neighbor is planting that shrub the wrong way, but don't say anything. I too have seen my wife wallpaper the bedroom the hard way. Just keep your mouth shut, all right? Because when they found out how smart we are, they get jealous, all right? I don't know who said, "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing," but I'm guessing it was a middle-aged man. So whatever it is you know - and I know it's a lot - keep it under your hat and you'll be able to keep your friends. Believe me, I know.

[Red has complained about the Possum Van not working right]

Dalton Humphries:
Why don't you just call a tow truck?

Red Green:
A tow truck? That's a hundred bucks, Dalton. I can replace the van for 75.

[Mike enters the lodge with a basket of plums]

Mike Hamar:
I got some plums for you, Mr. Green. Do you like plums?

Red Green:
Oh, I sure do. Where'd you get those, Mike?

Mike Hamar:
Thompson's Orchard.

Red Green:
Oh, they'll be good.

Mike Hamar:
Yeah.

Red Green:
How much did they cost ya?

Mike Hamar:
Nothin'. I just saw the sign that said, "Pick your own". [Red stares at Mike, who realizes his mistake] Oh, I didn't know you're supposed to pay. They need a better system.

Red Green:
They need a better fence, Mike. Just put them on the table until they cool off, huh?

Red Green:
A poem by T. S. Eliot Green: "Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table. Let us go through certain half-deserted streets, because, my friend, life is short. And how often do you get the chance to drive a snowmobile through a mall?"

Red Green:
You know, guys don't like to ask anybody for help. Women think it's because it makes us look weak, but that's not it. No, guys hate asking friends for help on a project because it means selling yourself into slavery. It's called payback work. If I ask a friend to help me do something smart like build a winterized garage for my snowmobile, then I'd have go help him do something stupid, like pour a cement pad for his rocket launcher. And why would I want to do that? If I've already finished my project, I don't want to do any more work. That payback work is nagging away in the back of your mind. Just like that relative living in the guest room. No matter what you say or what you do, it will not leave. You want my advice? You need something that needs to be fixed, hire a professional. If it's not bad enough to need a professional, fix it yourself and it will be. Believe me, you're better paying in cash once than paying in payback work the rest of your life.

Dalton Humphries:
[showing Red a bouquet of flowers for show's return] I went to a lot of trouble to get these. Cemetery gates were locked when I got there.

Red Green:
I find fruit preserves are kinda like neckties. They're something ya get for Christmas from people who either don't like you or are too cheap to buy ya a real gift.

Red Green:
[trying to unscrew a jar of nitroglycerin] It would work better if that finger wasn't missing.

Edgar Montrose:
Oh, it's not missing, Red. I know exactly where it is. It's back up at the quarry, still pointing at the "no smoking" sign.

[repeated opening lines]

Red Green:
Big, big week up at the lodge this week.

Red Green:
Now, this is only temporary - unless it works.

Red Green:
Learn from my mistakes - someone should.

Red Green, Harold Green:
[singing] Bacon drippings! Bacon drippings! Bacon drippings, bacon! / If you want to call your song 'Bacon Drippings / I'm sorry; it's been taken.

Harold Green:
Excellent! That went better than I hoped!

Kevin Black:
[Trying to get Red to guess 'sushi' in the Possum Lodge Word Game] A kind of bar.

Red Green:
Open.

Kevin Black:
No. A kind of bar you don't like.

Red Green:
Oh, cash.

Kevin Black:
Let's go in a different direction, with this. What do you call raw fish?

Red Green:
Bait.

Kevin Black:
What do you call it when people EAT raw fish?

Red Green:
Insane.

Kevin Black:
What would you eat at a Japanese restaurant?

Red Green:
I don't go to Japanese restaurants.

Kevin Black:
But if you did go to a Japanese restaurant, what would you eat?

Red Green:
Pizza.

Kevin Black:
They don't serve pizza.

Red Green:
I'd bring it with me.

Kevin Black:
They don't let you do that.

Red Green:
That's why I don't go!

Red Green:
[singing] There are certain things you should never do / like eating things that you find on your shoe / Don't take a nap in the middle of the road / And don't ever lick a toad / Don't like a toad, don't lick it! / You'd be better off to kick it -or better still, just leave it alone; it wasn't bothering you any / Don't lick a toad, don't lick it! / Just say no to toad.

Red Green:
[Red is trying to get Dougie to guess 'vacuum cleaner' in the Possum Lodge Word Game] Okay, Doug: This is what you use when you clean the house.

Dougie Franklin:
[Blank look]

Red Green:
This is what your MOM uses when SHE cleans the house.

Dougie Franklin:
Air freshener?

Red Green:
No, this picks up little bits of food and stuff off the floor.

Dougie Franklin:
Oh, a dog!

Red Green:
No, no, this picks up bits of dirt and fluff and lint and stuff.

Dougie Franklin:
A baby?

Red Green:
You're only limited by your own imagination, and the laws in your area.

Red Green:
[trying to justify/excuse his having "helped himself to" - - as in *filched* - - a paper shredder from a business office to use for making Christmas tinsel] You know what they always say - - "The Lord helps those who help themselves!"

Red Green:
[preparing to play Santa Claus, using the Possum Van as the sleigh] I'll need a chauffer, though.

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
Right... who are we gonna get to do that?

Red Green:
[sarcastically] Well, Harold, if YOU'RE so doggone bright, won't YOU drive my van tonight?

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[giggles and accepts, then starts singing off-key, much to Red's disgust] And I'll go down in his-tor-eeeee!

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[hears the possum squeal] Meeting time, Santa.

Red Green:
Yeah, you go ahead, Rudolph - - I'll be right down.

Red Green:
Boy there's a bunch of advantages when you own your own highway.

Harold Green:
Uncle Red, you do not own the highway.

Red Green:
Well, I drive like I do.

Dalton Humphrey:
[playing the Possum Lodge Word Game; the word is PARANOID] My neighbor has this weird idea that I occasionally come sneaking over to his house at night and rearrange his furniture!

Red Green:
Yes, okay - - and he says that because he's...?

Dalton Humphrey:
[smugly] Caught me DOING it!

Red Green:
[preparing to saw into the bellows of the old accordion, and speaking in a sarcastic tone to show his disdain for accordion music as being nothing but loud squeally noise - - obviously he's never heard of Lawrence Welk!] If there are any MUSIC LOVERS out there - - you're WELCOME!

Winston Rothschild:
I've made up all these advertising fliers for my sewage business, and so I want to find the best way to use them.

Red Green:
[offhandedly] Just toss 'em in the trash can, like everybody else does!

Red Green:
[after leaning on his horn and repeatedly flicking his headlights in an unsuccessful effort to get some totally oblivious young street-hockey players to let him past] Ya know, when I was a kid playing street-hockey with my friends, and a car came along, we all CLEARED OUT - - 'cause we didn't wanna feel guilty about holdin' up traffic. But kids today DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ANYTHING! [irritably blasts his horn three more times] I blame the YOUNG OFFENDERS ACT.

Winston Rothschild:
[upset and offended that Red won't accept his offer of the loan of his septic truck and work-outfit for the weekend as collateral for Winston's borrowing one of Red's oil-drums] That really stinks! Your attitude SUCKS!

Red Green:
[in an unconcerned and mildly sarcastic tone] Well, your TRUCK does BOTH OF THOSE, Winston.

Harold Green:
[Red wants him to give a sermon in front of some soon-to-arrive Canadian auditors to falsely convince them that Possum Lodge is a legitimate religious organization] We're never gonna be able to fake this to those government people! They'll see right off that we're not for real!

Red Green:
[confidently] Oh, come on, Harold - - they're from the Tax Department! They've never been to church, either!

Bonnie:
[realizing that their slick new outfits are meaningless regarding how she and Harold truly feel about each other] You're my sweetheart... I don't ever want you to change, Harold!

Harold Green:
[in tearful relief that things are still fine between them] Well, I don't ever want YOU to change, either, Bonnie!

Harold Green:
[realizing how ridiculous and out-of-character they both look in tight-fitting black leather, and longing for his comfy cloth-fabric clothes again] Let's go change!

Bonnie:
[realizing that their slick new biker-outfits are meaningless regarding how she and Harold truly feel about each other] You're my sweetheart... I don't ever want you to change, Harold!

Harold Green:
[in tearful relief that things are still fine between them] Well, I don't ever want YOU to change, either, Bonnie!

Harold Green:
[realizing how ridiculous and out-of-character they both look in tight-fitting black leather, and longing for his comfy cloth-fabric clothes again] Let's go change!

Harold Green:
[Introducing the show] Here he is, the small medium, Mr. Lodge, Red Green!

Red Green:
[Entering and waving] Thank you very much and thanks for tuning us in.

[to Harold]

Red Green:
Small medium? What was that all about?

Harold Green:
Well, you know. Don't you get it? Small, medium, lodge. You know, it's like a dwarf psychic at a resort. Or it could be clothing size: small, medium, lodge.

Red Green:
Yeah, you know, I wish I had an extra lodge. I'd send you into it.

Red Green:
The gas siphon - you'd probably use this at the mall while your wife is inside shopping.

Harold Green:
How much did you pay for the Possum Van?

Red Green:
Nothing, Harold. That was a gift from my parents for graduating from public school. That way, I wouldn't have to borrow my dad's car to drive to junior high.

Red Green:
[singing] Hoein' every hayfield and puttin' them in bales/Pickin' all the peapods and puttin' them in pails/It's time to reap the harvest; we're goin' as fast as we can/Tryin' to get the crops in before the farmer that owns this place comes out and starts shootin' at us.

Harold Green:
[singing] Again.

[Red is talking about the result of his car pool test, which involves numerous cars duct-taped together]

Harold Green:
I heard you got four traffic tickets!

Red Green:
Well, you're dead wrong, Harold, it was five. And it would've been six, but luckily, Moose was licensed for an 18-wheeler?

Harold Green:
Eighteen? How do you get 18 from five vehicles?

Red Green:
Well, Junior had his motorcycle in there, so it was four fours and a two.

Harold Green:
[Red got five traffic tickets during his car pool test] So explain to me: you got nailed for crossing a median in both shoulders. You got failing to stop at two stop signs - at the same time. And there was driving a train without a track, and, uh... what were the other two?

Red Green:
Having a parade without a permit, and passing on a hill.

Ranger Gord:
Hello, men. I'm Ranger Gord, and I'm -...

Harold Green:
Uh-uh-uh - - no last names; that's a basic rule here.

Ranger Gord:
Hello, my name is Ranger, and I'm a man.

Red Green:
[explaining the purpose and operation of the "invisible fence" dog-shocker module which he has installed inside the fancy-looking wristwatch that he gave to his annoying neighbor a moment earlier] I figure that any device that can KEEP A DOG IN can also be used to KEEP A GOOF OUT. Besides - - this unit is far too CRUEL to be used on any ANIMAL, anyway!

Winston Rothschild:
[disgusted by Red's saying that he would just take the cash out of a found wallet and then chuck the empty wallet in a dumpster, as opposed to Mike's "return the wallet and all the money" and Winston's "return the wallet and the remainder of the money after taking out the amount that the wallet's owner owes you" replies] Do you notice a difference in your reply as compared to ours?

Red Green:
[smugly] Yeah - - I didn't LIE!

Red Green:
[describing Harold's misguided efforts to spread Christmas cheer in the heat of summer, including doing a terrible eardrum-grating job of singing Christmas carols] I'll tell you - - NOBODY wants to HARK when they hear THIS "Harold" angel sing!

Red Green:
[a toy train is running along the floor under Red's feet; it bumps into a wall and goes in another direction] Have you seen these toy trains where, when they run into something, they just turn around and head off in another direction? Kinda like politicians at a press conference?

[Harold is trying to spread Christmas cheer by selling Christmas treats and singing Christmas songs while dressed as an angel, but his efforts are so poor that he gets a pumpkin pie thrown in his face]

Harold Green:
This has been a real learning experience.

Red Green:
Oh yeah? Never to sing when there's pies around?

Harold Green:
[irritated] No, that this town needs a little Christmas right this very minute! There's hardly any spirit of human kindness out there at all!

Red Green:
Harold, give it up, okay? A pumpkin pie in the face is no harm done. You're not going to get off so lucky when the corn cobs come out.

Red Green:
[having just lightheartedly scoffed at Dalton's urgent warning about the mummy's having a curse on it] Yeah, I bet those folks who work at museums have a lotta laughs over stuff like this. [seeing Mike Hamar ambling in dressed in a suit of armor] Oh, look, here comes Sir Laughs-A-Lot!

Dalton Humphrey:
[aghast at seeing Red swing a sword around] It's very dangerous to handle something if you don't know where it's been!

Red Green:
[sarcastically] Oh, really? Is that why Anne-Marie never holds your hand?

Mike Hamar:
[wearing a suit of armor] This armor's great! I can handle anything with this stuff on!

Red Green:
Except rain.

Red Green:
[Walter is about to lift up a refrigerator] Walter is a young fella. He doesn't have a girlfriend, so he has power.

[Red's final line.]

Red Green:
In fact, everybody changed...except me.

[The revised Men Anonymous pledge.]

All:
I'm a man...but I changed...if I had to...Oh well.

Red Green:
[Red tries to get Mike to guess the word 'Friend.'] All right, Mike... buddy.

Mike Hamar:
Gang member?

Red Green:
Close buddy.

Mike Hamar:
Cell mate?

Red Green:
Someone who talks about stuff...

Mike Hamar:
Informer? Stoolie? Squealie? Dead meat?

Red Green:
No, someone you can trust...

Mike Hamar:
Prison chaplain.

Red Green:
And you can trust him because he's...

Mike Hamar:
An ex-con himself.

Red Green:
Lemme go another way with this... I'm not just the guy who signed you out on parole, I'm also your buddy, your pal, your...

Mike Hamar:
Warden?

Red Green:
[after creating the girls' suite entirely out of tires] And to think we made this out of old rear ends. Actually, you can tell.

Red Green:
[singing] The elbow is throbbing, from the strength of the force / The shoulder is separated, it may get a divorce / The wrist is all numb, and the fingers are swollen / And if this outboard doesn't start on the very next pull, she's goin' into the lake.

Red Green:
I just finished forming the whole volunteer fire department, and suddenly, one of the vehicles caught fire. So talk about good timing.

Harold Green:
It wasn't the Possum Van, was it?

Red Green:
No, Harold, the Possum Van won't burn. Believe me, I've tried that about a thousand times.

Edgar K. B. Montrose:
[demonstrating how to use a fire-hose to forcibly blast debris straight up and out of an eaves-trough] Ya know, I think it was Sir Isaac Newton-John who once said, "Whatever comes down must go up - - IF ya got enough water-pressure!"

Bob Bainborough as Dalton Humphrey:
[sauntering in dressed in a warrior's costume] Hail, Caesar!

Red Green:
[in a slightly shocked sarcastic unimpressed tone] What the HAIL are you doing, Dalton?

Red Green:
It's meeting time, guys - - you go ahead, and I'll be down in a minute.

Wayne Robson as Mike Hamar:
[dressed up in a blonde wig and gaudy gown, and playing the role of a swooning adoring bride-to-be to Dalton, who is dressed up as Maximus] Carry me?

Bob Bainborough as Dalton Humphrey:
[irritably turning away in a macho-disgusted, "I don't want to get cuddly with other men" attitude] Oh, for - -!

Red Green:
[singing] On a warm summer's day when we're not after bass/We get out the van and fill her up with gas/Pull up behind a car headin' down the road/Pull up so darn close, you'd think we're bein' towed/Tailgatin'/Tailgatin'/Kinda looks like the vehicles are matin'/Tailgatin'/Tailgatin'/Just make sure your brakes are okay/In retrospect, that was an oversight on our part.

Red Green:
I can't be sleeping on my own television show - that's YOUR job.

Bonnie:
[giggling nasally and hyperly tossing her head about in an adorable but annoying fashion] Harold said you had something to tell me.

Red Green:
[trying to illustrate to Bonnie that maybe the two young lovebirds should spend a little time apart and explore all their options before rushing too quickly or deeply into thinking about marriage] Yes, Bonnie. Well, suppose I was looking to buy a new car, but the only auto-sales shop in Possum Lake was a Yugo dealership. Well, that means I'd end up drivin' a Yugo.

Bonnie:
[beaming eagerly, and speaking in a hugely enthusiastic tone interspersed with more uncontrollable nasally giggles] Oh, I LOVE Yugos!

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[not wanting to contradict his dream-girl and also not really liking the idea of being temporarily separated from her anyway] Yeah, me too! We both adore Yugos!

Red Green:
[looking wearily vexed that both of his "pupils" seem to be missing his point entirely] No - no - that's not what I was referring to...

Red Green:
Well, it's been an hour since Harold went to tell Bonnie that they should start seeing less of each other. [pauses to think about this] Probably by now they're seeing ALL of each other! [grimaces] THERE'S a scary visual!

Red Green:
We had a He man contest up here at the lodge with first prize being a truss.

Red Green:
If it would help Jack, I could like lend you like 20 bucks or something.

Jack the Caveman:
I'm sorry Red, but I no longer recognize your currency. It's meaningless paper, a useless symbol of a civilization gone awry.

Red Green:
Oh, well I have some McDonalds coupons. What about those?

Jack the Caveman:
Sure.

Narrator:
[showing a serene wilderness landscape in a brilliant golden-ruddy sunrise] Canada - - vast... beautiful... unspoiled... [sounds of tires screeching, and the Possum Van abruptly appears and races by in front of the camera, shattering the scene's peaceful tranquility] UNTIL the Red Green Show!

Red Green:
We learned that everything has its place. Mine is here, Harold's is over there, and Moose's barber kit's is at the bottom of the lake.

Mike Hamar:
[Displays a drive-in speaker at a 1950s memorabilia auction] As you can see, gentlemen, this is an authentic drive-in movie speaker. It dates all the way back to the '50s.

Red Green:
Where'd you get that?

Mike Hamar:
At the Possum Lake Drive-In Theatre.

Red Green:
You got that in the '50s?

Mike Hamar:
No, I got it on Saturday night. But it is old and there was a movie from the '50s playing there at the time: "The Ten Commandments".

Red Green:
I guess you left before they got to "Thou shalt not steal."

Mike Hamar:
Look, I know we all like to kid about my criminal records, but, Mr. Green, I'm actually a little hurt. I did not steal this speaker! I just had to leave in a hurry and I forgot it was still stuck in the window. Honest!

Red Green:
What was the big rush?

Mike Hamar:
The car's owner was coming back from the snack bar.

Red Green:
How's it coming with my van, Dale?

Dale:
All finished, Mr. Green. I put a drop of oil on your horn relay. Your horn was sticking.

Red Green:
[somewhat incredulous] Yeah, I know. I LIKE it sticking. That way I can let morons know what I think of them, and still keep both hands on the wheel.

Dale:
[a little sorrowfully] Your generation is so confrontational.

Red Green:
No, we're not! I mean, doesn't YOUR generation ever lean on the horn?

Dale:
No, mostly I just use it to say hi. You know, "Beep, beep! How's it going, buddy?"

Red Green:
[exasperated tone] Dale, a horn is not for saying HELLO, it's for saying, "Get the hell outta the way!" Like this...

[Red honks the horn twice, long and loud]

Dale:
[remonstratingly] You're holding it for two whole notes, Mr. Green. See, if you just play two quarter notes, like this...

[reaches through the driver's window and presses the horn button briefly twice]

Dale:
...it sounds cheerful. You should try it; it'll be cool.

Red Green:
[a bit sarcastically, indicating that he isn't buying it] Oh, I definitely wanna be cool, Dale. That's a top priority with me.

[starts the van]

Dale:
Well, I still think you should give it a try, Mr. Green. You never know, you might surprise yourself.

Red Green:
[appeasingly, but still with a faintly sarcastic overtone] Yeah, well, why don't I just do that, Dale, and you have yourself a RAINBOW DAY.

[Red starts to drive off, then leans on the horn in earnest, blasting a REALLY loud and long honk, as Dale winces at the awful racket]

Red Green:
[reciting the Man's Prayer with the other lodge members, as the storm rages outside] I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

Red Green:
[loud crack of thunder sounds, and all the lights go out, causing Red to wonder if "the man upstairs" is mad with him] Hey! I SAID I'd CHANGE!

Red Green:
[panting and bent over in pain from having climbed several flights of stairs] This building was designed by a MORON, Harold! The elevator only goes to the nineteenth floor!

Harold Green:
[giggling] You got on the wrong elevator! Some of them only GO to the nineteenth floor! The others go from twenty on up!

Red Green:
[still out of breath and disgusted] Well, I still say that there's a moron involved SOMEWHERE in this situation!

Harold Green:
[quietly, stifling a fresh outbreak of giggles] Well, I won't argue with you on that one...

Red Green:
[unable to figure out how to use Harold's complicated office-phone with its many buttons] You know, Harold, the telephone was invented a hundred and thirty years ago - - I'd have thought they'd have it working by now.

Harold Green:
[after going through a long "tech-talk" spiel about what some of the phone's twelve different lines are for]... and if you want an outside line, that's lines one-thru-five, you have to dial "9" to get out.

Red Green:
Do you HEAR yourself, Harold? I just wanna make a phone call - - you're reciting four pages out of the SPACE SHUTTLE SERVICE MANUAL...! What's goin' on, Harold? Is it me?

Harold Green:
[reluctantly nodding with a helpless smile] Well, you know, you're in the big city now, Uncle Red - - you've gotta embrace technology... you don't do that much, you know.

Red Green:
I embrace Aunt Bernice, Harold. And that sure beats technology, I'll tell ya!

Red Green:
[Mike and Dalton are warning Red about the impending hurricane] We don't get hurricanes here. We're too far from the ocean, okay? We get a fair bit of wind, but that's because we're so close to Port Asbestos, and it SUCKS!

Red Green:
When somebody belches at the dinner table that's a sign of bad...?

Dougie Franklin:
Burritos.

Red Green:
When you belch at the dinner table, your mom says mind your...?

Dougie Franklin:
Spray?

Harold Green:
Tonight's contestant is Mr. Winston Rothchilds of Rothchild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

Winston Rothschild:
Where our motto is: If your eyes are stinging, my phone should be ringing.

Red Green:
And then you know that singer that Aunt Bernice likes so much - that Julio Icicles guy?

Harold Green:
[a little reproachfully about Red's being so off-handed and disrespectful when referring to such a soulful and elegant singer] Julio Iglesias?

Red Green:
[to Harold] Why don't you put your money where your mouth is. Or do you have that much money?

Harold Green:
You should get on with the next segment, I think; it's more interesting than this. This is boring. This is as bad as a PBS subscription drive; that's how bad this is. Next segment's interesting, though.

Red Green:
If at first you don't succeed, switch to power tools.

Red Green:
I was in a war. Oh yeah, the big one: the Gasoline Price War of '69. I had lied about my age so I could get a job pumping gas at a Lloyd's Texaco. Then all "shell" broke loose. The Dutchman dropped his price by a nickel. We had to fight back, so we took the big hit and dropped our price down six cents. The war was on. Why, we started handing out hot dogs and balloons just to keep the customers. By the end of August, the entire station was under siege: people parking their cars outside, firing off their horns, screaming for free tumblers and nobody to hold them off except me and one-legged Lloyd. But we did it, and we won, and it made a man out of me. And I guess that explains the stain on my pants.

Harold Green:
You have road rage, Uncle Red. You've got a bad temper. There's no need for it. I don't have a bad temper.

Red Green:
No, you don't, Harold, but you're a carrier.

Harold Green:
Well, you need help, Uncle Red. You really need to get some help for that bad temper of yours.

Red Green:
Oh, I know I do, Harold. And I've tried to get help; I really have - - but I can't find one institution that'll take ya!

Red Green:
So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I learned today that the best way to control anger is to be the boss. Of course, you knew that all along, didn't you?

Harold Green:
You have all the symptoms of a person who has to learn how to manage their anger. I can help you with that.

Red Green:
[angrily] I don't need to manage my anger, I need people to STOP TICKING ME OFF! Why can't people just SMARTEN UP? Give me some space! How about this: why don't they stay indoors when they see me coming?

Harold Green:
It's not them - it's YOU. You can change if you want to.

Red Green:
You sound like my wife, you know that?

Red Green:
What animal are you hunting, Reg?

Reg Hunter:
Well, it's an animal that makes a sound like this: Awooooo!

Red Green:
Yes, but what kind of animal is that?

Reg Hunter:
I dunno, but I betcha I can put a bullet in it.

Red Green:
[singing] My butterfly collection gives me so much pride / My butterfly collection makes me warm inside / The monarchs, blues and yellows; these are beauties, man oh man / Come see my butterfly collection - they're all wedged in the grille of my van.

Red Green:
[poem] It is winter. Cousin Jerry was lying in the snow making snow angels. Along came the snowplow. Now Cousin Jerry is making REAL angels.

Red Green:
So I guess the moral here is "Never connect a used fuel pump from a Russian rocket missile to a large deciduous tree."

Red Green:
If you had been adopted, Harold, then of course, you wouldn't be my nephew, and I wouldn't have had to give you this job.

Harold Green:
Yeah, but I don't think anybody would adopt me at this advanced development stage that I'm in.

Red Green:
Well, okay, then, we could do the Moses thing. We could duct-tape you into a kayak and float you down the Nile.

Harold Green:
Ha! Yeah! Now I KNOW you're just kidding, because there's no boats around this lodge that can float THAT far.

Red Green:
[Introducing the "Auto Biography" section of the show] This week we have Winston Rothschild of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

Winston Rothschild:
[motto] "No tank too big, no tank too small, teacup or cesspool, we suck 'em all."

[Red tries to get Dalton to guess the word 'Sensitive.']

Red Green:
All right... aware.

Dalton Humphries:
Sober.

Red Green:
Touchy.

Dalton Humphries:
Feely.

Red Green:
Touchy-feely.

Dalton Humphries:
Richard Simmons?

Red Green:
Compared to you, your wife is more...

Dalton Humphries:
Overweight.

Red Green:
Emotionally, she's more...

Dalton Humphries:
Weepy!

Red Green:
No, she notices things more, because she's...

Dalton Humphries:
Picky.

Red Green:
You would never say to your wife that she's picky, overweight or weepy because...

Dalton Humphries:
Castration?

Red Green:
The vertical hold on your television set.

Dalton Humphries:
Sensitive.

[about the movie 'Dances With Wolves']

Edgar Montrose:
I saw that one. You know, the native guy was okay, he should have got the Oscar. But the rest of it... was a yawn. Now what they needed there was for one of those buffalo to get backed up with methane, catch his hoof on a piece of flint, go off like a big furry grenade! KA-BOOM!... Talk about your burgers to go.

Red Green:
We decided to go cliff diving off of Rock Reef Point. I got the application form right here. Here are the only two rules. Number one, you got to promise to go right off the top, and number two, you got to do your best to try and hit the water. Want me to sign you up there, Harold?

Harold Green:
No, I don't think so, no, never, no, no.

Red Green:
Good, good. That proves it's for real men only.

Harold Green:
Proves it's for men like you only.

Red Green:
We're a dying breed, Harold.

Harold Green:
Coincidence? I don't think so.

Garth Harble:
Garth Harble here, animal control, reminding you that wild animals can smell fear. Of course, if it smells bad enough, why, they won't eat you. Hey, I'm alive.

Red Green:
Well, we got our postal service up and running. Yeah, Buster Hadfield was the first one to sign up.

Harold Green:
That's only because the real postal service won't deliver to his house.

Red Green:
Oh, no, that's right. The mailman said he won't go back there until Buster gets his dog neutered. I tell ya, nothing that comes in the mail is worth that.

Red Green:
One way to lessen the chance of a heart attack is to change your diet, or maybe take up an exercise program... but hey! WHO ARE WE KIDDIN'? Eh?

Red Green:
[sadly conceding that his generation has lost the battle against the encroaching computer technology] The enemy is at the gates - - heck, the enemy may even be NAMED "Gates"!

Red Green:
[a bit exasperated that none of his fellow lodge members got chosen as promoter for Possum Lake] Well, it looks like somebody was PAID OFF here.

Wayne Robson as Mike Hamar:
Oh, no - - they wouldn't take a bribe. [Red gives Mike a sudden reproachful squint, causing Mike to realize that he has virtually admitted to having tried to illegally bribe the town officials to choose him] I-I wouldn't THINK - -!

Red Green:
But what I can't understand, Harold, is why they'd want to hire someone like you. I applied for that job, you know.

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[with a hint of amused unimpressed sarcasm] Yeah, I know - a lot of you guys did. That REALLY HELPED me get the job - thanks.

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[feeling somewhat shy and uncertain to just come out and tell Red that he'd missed him while he was employed at MultiCorp Inc] But you know... truth be told... I, uh... well, I missed... um... I missed... you know... everybody.

Red Green:
[in a crisply direct tone, the entire opposite of how Harold had spoken] Did you miss ME, Harold?

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[also in a direct manner, his uncertain feelings having been mercifully and refreshingly broken by his uncle's unabashed speech] Well, did you miss ME?

Red Green:
[with a warm-hearted grin] I wasn't even SHOOTIN' at ya, Harold!

Kevin Black:
Yeah, I think we should just take that right to bed, see how it creases the sheets.

Red Green:
[complaining about shoddy mailing services that often cause your parcels to arrive battered and damaged] And it's no good to write "THIS END UP" on the package - that only means that THEY will decide how THIS ENDS UP!

Red Green:
One of the things that changes as you get older is your attitude towards parties. That's because after you've been married for a while, you realize that men and women have totally different approaches to them. The woman wants to know who's coming to the party. The man just wants to know who's bringing the beer. The woman cleans up whatever is lying around the home so the guests will think she keeps a neat house. The man actually leaves tools lying around the home so the guests will help build a deck. The woman wants to know what's going on with everybody. The man avoids that information. It's safer. It prevents him from blurting out something he's not supposed to know in front of someone who's not supposed to hear it, especially if that someone is carrying one of the tools I mentioned earlier. So my advice is when you get to our age, stop going to parties. Bringing friends together for the sole purpose of letting loose is not a good idea. People are like nuts and bolts: they don't work well loose; there's too much play. If you want to have a wingding, you're better off in a bar full of strangers than a house full of friends. You want to go where the lights are low and people are all the same; you want to go where nobody knows your name.

Patrick McKenna as Harold Green:
[having heard about Red's purchase of a worthless uninhabitable hotel that he will probably now have to pay to have demolished and removed] Well, well, well - if it isn't Donald Chump!

Edgar Montrose:
Ever notice that fast-burning fuse looks exactly the same as slow-burning fuse? I didn't...

Red Green:
[after hearing an answering machine message that Hap claims came from Gwyneth Paltrow during a supposed romance with her, but which is obviously just Hap's own voice very poorly disguised in a higher-pitched nasally tone to imitate a love-struck lady's voice] She sounds like somebody else, Hap.

Gordon Pinsent as Hap Shaughnessy:
[innocently and casually] Well, of COURSE she does, Red - - she's a GREAT ACTRESS! They're EXPERT at disguising their voices.

Red Green:
[in a lackluster tone of unimpressed derision] You might wanna think about BEING AN ACTOR YOURSELF, Hap.

Gordon Pinsent as Hap Shaughnessy:
[feigning amused modesty] I know, but I could never go into that line of work, Red. To be an actor, you have to PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT.

Red Green:
[valiantly trying not to snicker, since he knows that this is precisely what the self-aggrandizing Hap does all the time] Uh-huh.

Gordon Pinsent as Hap Shaughnessy:
Yeah, they're PROFESSIONAL LIARS, Red! What kinda man would I be if I got PAID TO LIE?

Red Green:
A BILLionaire!

Red Green:
You understand relativity, Hap?

Hap Shaughnessy:
Yeah, just the, the stuff I worked on.

Harold Green:
But I thought Einstein worked on relativity when he was really young.

Hap Shaughnessy:
Yeah, cute kid. He had some good ideas. They were rough, but good. I didn't mind giving him a hand with his... relative-itty.

Harold Green:
Excuse me, Mr. Shaughnessy, but I don't understand how Einstein is younger than you.

Hap Shaughnessy:
WAS, Harold, WAS. I worked a lot faster than Albert, that's all. Much, much faster. So we aged, at different rates.

Red Green:
Oh, that's possible. I just felt a little older there, myself.

Red Green:
If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home and I'm bringing another bunch of flowers tonight. I do this a few times a year 'cause I'm really not too sure when our anniversary is and this way, everybody wins.

Red Green:
[Harold is trying to get Red excited for the New Year] Where did we go wrong with you, Harold?

Harold Green:
Well, it was all those years of not getting the respect I deserved.

Red Green:
You got what you deserved, it just wasn't respect, that's all.

Red Green:
[explaining why Bernice wasn't satisfied with his merely being a "silent companion" to her while she was shopping for "the perfect set of heels", without his actively taking part in the browsing process] I realize now that it's not enough that I *go* shopping with my wife - I have to *want* to go shopping with my wife. Which is why I've signed up for ACTING LESSONS.

Winston Rothschild:
You think 'Fear Factor' is gross? I eat with these hands!

[Dalton crashes his car after adding Red's barbecue sauce/gasoline additive]

Dalton Humphrey:
[irritated] Red, I need to talk to you.

Red Green:
What explosion? I didn't hear anything.

Red Green:
Having used my lawn-mower handle for this project means that I'll no longer be able to cut my lawn - - but I'll get over it!

Red Green:
[wanting Mike to think of saying the phrase, "a word game"] What are we doing here? What is all of this?

Mike Hamar (Robson, Wayne):
Television?

Red Green:
Well, I know, but WHAT are we DOING here?

Mike Hamar (Robson, Wayne):
That's what everyone else wants to know!

Bonnie:
[having grave concerns about Harold's safety after seeing the disastrous aftermath of Harold's and Red's crazy whitewater-rafting adventure on a "two-man kayak" made from washing machines, and so she has breezed in to the lodge to earnestly ask Red to please "be careful to not accidentally kill Harold before the wedding"; Red consents, and so Bonnie turns to Harold and gives him a huge mushy "sucking face" kiss] Okay, well, I'll see you later, then, Pookie.

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[delighted to be engaged to Bonnie] See you later, Mrs. Pookie.

Red Green:
[after going through his traditional "If my wife is watching" speech] And for the rest of you, on behalf of myself and "Pookie" and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice.

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
I asked Bonnie to marry me.

Red Green:
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, Harold.

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[meekly] Well, she said yes.

Red Green:
[with a slightly shocked stare at the audience] I stand corrected!

Hap Shaughnessy:
[recounting one of his outrageously fantastical stories of personal glamor and grandeur in the past, this one about a supposed near-death/out-of-body experience] My spirit was floating above the ground, and my body was lying flat on the pavement. I could SEE I was lying there.

Red Green:
[sarcastically] Oh, Hap - EVERYBODY can see you're lying there!

Hap Shaughnessy:
[recounting his supposed near-death/out-of-body experience] So yeah, there is an afterlife waiting for us, and it's FULL.

Red Green:
[sarcastically] Yeah, but unfortunately, the afterlife is full of the same stuff THIS one is!

Red Green:
Okay, so Old Man Sedgwick's son has moved back in with him, and you can tell by the broken furniture out on the front lawn, and the duct tape they got dividing the rooms exactly in half, and things are really not going all that well. Now, you tell me, what is the worst thing that could happen out of that scenario?

Harold:
Well, they could be heating their cabin, like, with a high-sulfur coal, you know? Then meanwhile, on top of the wood stove, both men are rinsing their teeth in the same pewter jar, right? And that would create this symbiotic hydrolysis, right? And then there'd be a thermal inversion, right? And then all of a sudden, the... the sulfur and ions, they... they'd have to COLLIDE with the DENTAL PLAQUE, right? And that'd ACCELERATE the electrons to the point where there'd be this MASSIVE NUCLEAR REACTION, right? Bbut it wouldn't KILL them! Oh, no, it wouldn't KILL them, Uncle Red! But indeed, yes, it would render them ABSOLUTELY STERILE for the REST OF THEIR LIVES! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Harold composes himself again]

Harold:
I'm writing an episode of "The Outer Limits".

Red Green:
Harold, you ARE an episode of "The Outer Limits"!

Arnie Dogen:
[singing] I loved her on the rooftop... but she didn't like my flashin'... she threw my heart in the down spout, and now I drink... a lot, and drive trucks.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, I have an old car; the seats are all stained / It was old when I bought it, and that hasn't changed / I had my first date in it, my first kiss, my first pass / My first romantic encounter when I ran out of gas / My first parking infraction, my first toxic leak / And still not my first car payment, but I'm hoping to have the money together by early next week.

Harold Green:
[referring to Old Man Sedgwick's being released into Red's custody] So, are you ready to be responsible for a messed-up social misfit who performs senseless acts?

Red Green:
[peering significantly at Harold] I'm pretty much used to THAT, actually.

Harold Green:
Tell them about Flinty McClintock parking his car on his neighbor's roof.

Red Green:
That was an accident, Harold.

Harold Green:
Not when it's on the roof. When it's in the living room or the kitchen, maybe.

Garth Harble:
I lay in that cave for half a day, unconscious. When my boss Leo found out, he docked me four hours pay.

Red Green:
[complaining that his doctor always makes him get weighed during every visit to the doctor's office, no matter what illness or injury he's there for; it's always, "Up on the scale, please, Mr. Green," even if his present health concern has absolutely nothing to do with his weight] And now the doctor says he'd like for me to lose some weight. Well, I'D like for HIM to DROP DEAD! But I've got another solution - - it's not as violent, but it IS dishonest, so it's got that going for it.

Red Green:
[pulls the Possum Van up to the drive-thru order-box at the local "greasy spoon", holding a large battery-powered megaphone; he's totally fed up with the order-box's atrociously poor and garbled sound quality - it merely makes incoherent "honky" noises that sound like a cross between Donald Duck and a nasally goose - so he's soaked the megaphone in water to create an equally unintelligible gargley "come-back" device to talk to the order-box]

Drive-thru order-box:
Huh-hoh, huhh-huh-huh-huhuh huh. Huh-huh-huhuhuh-uh-huh? [Hello, welcome to Sloppy Joe's. May I take your order, please?]

Red Green:
Uhlglh, yealghgl, I'llghl hlaghl thughl glehgluglxghl doughgl cheeghglburghle wlugh egglstrughl mayglogl, aghl lglahgle frighglsl, andgl aghl lglahgle rooglht bgleerglh. [Uh, yeah, I'll have the deluxe double-cheeseburger with extra mayo, a large order of fries, and a large root beer]

Drive-thru order-box:
[miraculously having completely understood what menu items that Red had wanted to order in spite of his totally muddled words - - perhaps the idea is that the obnoxious sound-box can also actually "perform in reverse", and so it is able to "de-garble" unclear words as spoken by the customers, just as it starts out with the clear words spoken by the order-taker and mushes them up into a meaningless whiny babble] Hoh-huh, huh-huh huh-huhuh, huh-huh huh huh-huh. Huh huh-huh huh huh huh-huhhuh, huh huhuh huh huh-huhuh huhhuh. [Okay, double cheeseburger, large fries and root beer. Please pull up to window two, and thanks for visiting Sloppy Joe's]

Red Green:
Ohglglay, thglangl sglo mglugl, anlgl ghlyougl hglagh yglorslgelglh agl GLHOOGLH GLDAYLGH. [Okay, thanks so much, and you have yourself a GOOD DAY]

Mike Hamar:
[as he, Red and Dalton fish together] I was thinking about regrets the other day. Do you have any regrets, Mr. Green?

Red Green:
Well, not so far, but this conversation has potential.

Red Green:
[to Mike] You must have a ton of regrets.

Mike Hamar:
Well, only one: children. I regret not having any children.

Dalton Humphrey:
Yeah, I feel exactly the same way. Or did you say you regret *not* having children?

Red Green:
My dad used to tell me that a man's home is his castle. He also told me to learn Esperanto and buy an amphibious car. My dad was wrong. The only time a man's home is his castle is when the queen is out at the mall.

Winston Rothschild, III:
I need an heir!

Red Green:
You already have an air. What you need is a shower!

Red Green:
Edgar, I understand you blew up the old flour mill from off of Port Asbestos.

Edgar Montrose:
Yeah, I did, didn't I? Boy, that baby went off like a dry sneeze. A huge mushroom cloud of durum semolina. Talk about presifted.

Red Green:
How much would you get paid for a demolition job like that?

Edgar Montrose:
Pay? Oh, no, just seeing 300 tons of flour suspended over Possum Lake is all the payment I need. I mean, to flatten that flour mill and not even scratch the gas station right next door.

Red Green:
Gas station? No, next to the flour mill is the old railway shed and then the bowling alley and the fountain and then there's the gas station. It's not next door to the flour mill.

Edgar Montrose:
It is now.

Red Green:
[Harold chops at the surface of the frozen lake, and a large chip of ice shears off and goes into his mouth] Good job, Harold - - you put ice on that injury right away.

Dalton Humphrey:
[wrapping up his "triumph over stress" speech at the "Men Anonymous" meeting] I just need the group to help me with one thing.

Harold Green:
[in an almost anxious tone of helpful eagerness] Anything, Dalton - - what can we do?

Dalton Humphrey:
[raising his arms above the podium and showing his hands for the first time; he has a car steering-wheel gripped convulsively in his fists, with the bearing and a forcibly torn-out part of the dashboard still attached to the wheel and swivelling loosely around on it] Help me get my fingers unclamped from this steering wheel!

Harold Green:
I told Tubby's dad that you would come over and clobber him for treating me that way. And he said, fine, send him over, and if he's too chicken to show up, I'll come over and beat him up publicly on his own television show...

Red Green:
[disgusted that Harold had "volunteered" his uncle's "pummelling services"] Okay, fine - - let's go over there.

Harold Green:
[delighted] All RIIIGGGGHHHTT - - Let's go and kick his butt!

Red Green:
No, Harold... I'm gonna kick YOUR butt!

Red Green:
[having given an optimistic but unconvincing speech about a man's bald spot actually being a lot younger and more full of life than the rest of his body] There - - now do you feel better about your bald spot? Me, neither!

Harold Green:
Tonight's contestant is Mr. Winston Rothschild of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

Winston Rothschild:
Where our motto is, "Service with a smile - even on hot days."

Red Green:
[opening monologue] Uhh, hello. Thank you. Welcome to the show, and a very special hello to all the security guards out there who have chosen to watch us rather than the lobby monitor.

Red Green:
When all else fails, use more duct tape!

Ranger Gord:
Here's a new joke I just made up: "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "No one." "No one who?" "No one. Just no one. Ever."

Harold Green:
I cannot believe Old Man Sedgwick still drinks to excess. He should start acting his age.

Red Green:
If Old Man Sedgwick acted his age, he'd be ten years dead.

Ranger Gord:
Having a groovy pajama party - bring all your Abba albums.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, there's a hole in my tent and the water's coming in./It's rainin' on my hat, and it's drippin' on my chin./Always remember camping lesson number one./If there're bugs in your tent, don't shoot 'em with a gun.

Harold Green:
[smiling in happy relief upon hearing Red shamefacedly report that none of the macho Possum Lodge members could bring themselves to kill a cow so that it could be slaughtered] Well, I am very proud of you guys, Uncle Red! It makes a sensitive-hearted vegetarian like me feel so good to hear something like that.

Red Green:
[a little sulkily] Don't make it worse, Harold.

Red Green:
[talking about the lodge members' plan to slaughter the cow] Stinky's bringing the cow over in the back seat of his '69 Cadillac. He's got twice as much legroom there, which is good, 'cause the cow's got twice as much leg.

Harold Green:
Stinky's putting a FARM ANIMAL in the back of his CADILLAC? What about the SMELL?

Red Green:
The cow didn't seem to mind.

Red Green:
Eating meat is like having kids - the less you know about it, the more likely you are to go ahead.

Red Green:
Two things you need at a bar is ice and water; water for mixing drinks and ice to drop into people's shorts and into their hats, depending on where their hangover is.

Dougie Franklin:
You're watching "The Red Green Show" and nobody can stop you.

Red Green:
[Reads a poem called "Tiny Shoots"] Tiny shoots come out of the ground. Crocuses, tulips and daffodils rise to a height of 2 1/2 inches and are frozen in time, not by a late frost, but by a dirty lawnmower.

Red Green:
[Enters the room, gagging] Blecch! Hmm. Well, I have no idea what we did wrong, but our first batch of homemade beer did not taste all that great.

Harold Green:
Well, Uncle Red, did you boil and sterilize all the beer vats and beer bottles?

Red Green:
How do you mean?

Harold Green:
Well, you gotta boil everything to make sure all the germs have been removed.

Red Green:
Well, we wipe them on our shirts. Our shirts are clean.

[sniffs his sleeve]

Harold Green:
Uncle Red, you gotta make sure the canisters are perfectly sterile.

Red Green:
Harold, the only thing perfectly sterile up here is Old Man Sedgwick. Besides, how can you boil a hot tub?

Harold Green:
Okay, but you know what happens when you get in one of those unwanted nasty little germs and bacteria...

Red Green:
Yeah, they end up producing your show.

Harold Green:
But Uncle Red, you cannot make a fine quality lager using Kool-Aid technology!

Harold Green:
You know, the ancient Romans brewed beer, Harold. In fact, every great Western civilization brewed beer. Did you know that?

Red Green:
Yes, I did. And did you know that, at some point, every great civilization collapsed? Connection, perhaps?

Red Green:
Harold, if it's good enough for Julius Caesar, it's good enough for Possum Lodge.

Harold Green:
Veni, vidi, vomiti. I came, I saw, I ralphed.

Red Green:
[discussing middle-aged men's declining good looks] You may think that your handsome youthful looks are behind you, but the people who are standing back there may not share that opinion!

Red Green:
I don't want to argue with anyone larger than my van.

Red Green:
Red [in a quietly dignified and mildly reproachful voice after Harold's criticizing/protesting about Red's self-serving and not-totally-honest behavior towards the Gorgonites; he feels somewhat holy and above rebuke when dressed in his fancy red ceremonial robe] Well, now, I don't think the Grand Master appreciates that tone.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, my uncle has a dairy farm; a man who likes to putter/He slipped and fell off the roof one day and landed in the butter/He flipped and flopped for an hour or more 'til he was rescued by his wife/She warned him that butter is bad for his health, but he claims it saved his life.

Red Green:
There are two kinds of people: those who do things and those who write manuals.

Red Green:
Oh, Harold... nobody in his RIGHT MIND would give YOU driving lessons.

Harold Green:
Oh, you will? Oh, THANK you!

Hap Shaughnessy:
I quit whaling after my near fatal encounter with the great white whale Moby Richard.

Harold Green:
I think you mean Moby Dick.

Hap Shaughnessy:
No, I didn't know him that well.

Red Green:
[singing] Trapper Jack was hunting bear, a dangerous hobby at best / We brought him back to the doctor in town, and he was a heck of a mess / There was some assembly required, mostly teeth and bones and hair / Jack had always been good with a knife / But unfortunately... not quite as good as the bear.

Dalton Humphries:
Never say to a woman that anything she does is silly.

Red Green:
Otherwise, she might mention that spice rack you built her.

Dalton Humphries:
Or that new fishing hat.

Red Green:
Or that silly lodge you joined.

Mike Hamar:
[as he and Red use popcorn to insulate a house] It's all set. It's all done. That popcorn's in there for life. Er, 25 to life.

Red Green:
[to camera] Well, he would know.

Red Green:
Maybe it's time to replace the words "Watch this," with phrases that are more suited to your current physical condition. Phrases like "Where are my glasses?" or "Where are my other glasses?" or the ever-popular "Honey, I swear it must've been the dog."

Red Green:
[remonstrating with Harold about his disgust for "modern art"] If it weren't for modern art, we wouldn't have the singing bass, the black-velvet paintings, or the "I'M WITH STUPID" t-shirts. Would you really want to live in a world like that, Harold?

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[with delicate dignity] Yes...! Actually, I would!

Red Green:
[referring to the lodge's cantankerous chef's having quit in a huff] Well, we may have lost Eddie as cook, but there is a DOWNSIDE, too.

Arnie Dogen:
[describes his favorite car in song] She's made of steel and naugahyde... with five wheels, countin' the spare... you never knew where you were going... but you were pretty sure you'd be able to thumb a ride back... I remember the night of the accident... nothing was left but the radio aerial... the doctors couldn't remove it, so now I walk with a limp... but I get over 200 stations.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, a horse with a horn is called a unicorn/A horse with stripes is called a zebra/A horse with wings is called Pegasus/And a horse with a broken leg is called glue.

Mike Hamar:
My parents had their eighth anniversary when my youngest brother was 23.

Red Green:
[holding up a dark blue debit card and seemingly lecturing teenage viewers to "not spend more than you earn"] So don't ever think that an ATM card like this is like a bottomless pit of cash that just lets you spend whatever you want... for that, you need this... [holds up a gold card] A credit card!

Winston Rothschild:
Winston Rothschild here for Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, where we put the P.U. in pump!

Buzz Sherwood:
If you can't be with the plane you love, love the plane you're with.

Movie-trailer's narrator, dressed as highway patrolman:
[speaking over the police car's radio/P.A. system] If that unit reaches 55 m.p.h. before it hits Dead Man's Curve, there's gonna be a BLOODBATH.

Movie-trailer's narrator, dressed as highway patrolman:
[realizes about the truck's enormous tank full of sewage, then amends his previous radio transmission] Well, SOME kinda bath...

Red Green:
[advising "you middle-aged guys out there" about the virtues of taking a course and getting a trade-certificate] So get yourself some training, and if that doesn't work out, well, just tell any prospective employer that you do everything that Red Green says, and that'll PROVE that you're certifiable!

Ranger Gord (Peter Keleghan):
[letting his inflated ego blatantly show itself on his animated movie credits] Ranger Gord presents - Ranger Gord in: Ranger Gord's Educational Films. Written, drawn, animated, and voiced by: Ranger Gord. Starring Ranger Gord!

Harold Green:
How can you stand there and say things that don't have a shred of truth to them?

Red Green:
Well, that's something that married people just do, Harold.

[Red turns to the camera and waves]

Red Green:
Except us, Bernice!

Red Green:
[opening monologue] Uhh, Hello, Thank you. Welcome to the show, and a very special hello to all the security guards out there who have chosen to watch us rather than the lobby monitor.

Red Green:
[singing] Hey kids, can you turn the music up? Can you play that song a bit louder? Can you pump up the bass and treble, and increase the output power? Hey kids, can you turn up the boom box? Can you find louder music to play? 'Cause I've just done a really stupid thing, and I rather not hear what my wife has to say.

[Imitating Forrest Gump]

Buzz Sherwood:
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates... SO PIG OUT! Hahahahahahaha!

Earl Battersby:
We now have a drive-thru window to serve all your live bait needs. But we've had to go to containers; people feel just a bit skittish about driving through a school zone with a lap full of frogs.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, you never see a vampire with a full grown beard / But a vampire can't see his reflection / So a lack of facial hair is unbelievably weird / 'Cause you'd think shaving would be out of the question.

Harold Green:
That poor old fire station... fire station the Historical Society worked so hard to preserve! Fire station that stood there for 150 years, taking everything Mother Nature could throw at it... but that doesn't include a flaming log cabin coming at twice the speed limit, DOES IT, UNCLE RED?

Harold Green:
Whatcha got there, Uncle Red?

Red Green:
Oh, it's a citation from the Wildlife Department. I shot their truck. You'd be amazed how much a Land Rover looks like a blue rhino.

Harold Green:
Especially with YOUR eyesight.

Red Green:
That's why I have the semi-automatic. The aim is not so crucial, with that one.

Red Green:
As you get older, you realize you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you can get yet another financial setback.

Red Green:
Now, most people would see an animal infestation as a problem, but we lodge-members see it as an OPPORTUNITY.

Harold Green:
[in a slightly sorrowful, reproachful tone] Yeah - - an OPPORTUNITY to HUNT OUT OF SEASON...!

Red Green:
[cockily] No, Harold - - does the term "petting zoo" ring any bells?

Harold Green:
[slightly anxiously] No... but it does SOUND an ALARM!

[Suggested motto for the Possum Lodge Olympics]

Harold Green:
Be the best you can be... considering.

Red Green:
[seeing Harold dressed up in a ridiculous "cowboy" costume with gaudy styles and a shirt covered in bright pink sequins] And who are YOU supposed to be - - LIBERACE Cartwright?

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[in a slightly whiny tone of bruised pride] No - - I'm Little Joe.

Red Green:
Little JOKE, maybe.

Red Green:
[seeing Harold all gussied up in a ridiculously garish black-and-white cowboy/dude outfit and a loud-colored shirt covered in gaudy pink sequins] And who are YOU supposed to be - LIBERACE Cartwright?

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[in a whiny "bruised ego" tone] No - I'm Little Joe.

Red Green:
[sarcastically] No - Little JOKE, maybe.

Male chorus:
[singing] His name is Rothschild, Winston Rothschild. When your tank goes bad and starts to ooze, you need a man with rubber shoes. Call Rothschild, Winston Rothschild. He has real nice clothes, but he's hard on the nose. Still he's the one that we all chose, 'cause you know for sure you'll never get hosed With Rothschild, Winston Rothschild. When your lawn's all muck, and you know you're stuck, You need a guy who's a world-class suck. Call Rothschild, Winston Rothschild. Call Rothschild, Winston Rothschild. Call Rothschild, Winston Rothschild. Call Rothschild, Winston Rothschild.

Red Green:
[describing a scene that shows him stream-fishing with Harold]... and Harold and I are gonna try and have some "quiet time", but he keeps talking!

Red Green:
[preparing to go forward with a handyman project] Sound ingenious? Sound incredible? Sound impossible? Who cares? I'm not listening.

Red Green:
[after putting up the satellite dish] We're going to put a motorized unit on there, so that you can change the aim, you know, from satellite to satellite without leaving the comfort of your TV room.

Harold Green:
Wow, this is great! We can use the satellite to scan the universe for signs of intelligent life!

Red Green:
Oh, we're not interested in intelligent life! We want TELEVISION!

[trying to get Bob to guess the word "marriage" in the Possum Lodge Word Game]

Red Green:
Wedding.

Bob Stuyvesant:
Divorce.

Red Green:
Wedlock.

Bob Stuyvesant:
Headlock.

Red Green:
Matrimony.

Bob Stuyvesant:
Alimony.

Red Green:
Now, Bob, think. You've had five ex-wives, so you've experienced this five times...

Bob Stuyvesant:
[pauses briefly to think] Sex?

Red Green:
If my dog had eaten as much homework as I said he did, he'd be passing firelogs!

Dougie Franklin:
Don't adjust your set... the show's supposed to look like this.

Dougie Franklin:
[in a tone of slightly sad disgust and resigned acceptance] Don't adjust your set - the show is SUPPOSED to look like this!

Red Green:
[explains why men don't ask for directions when they're lost] Primarily, it's a pride thing: we're out there in our own vehicles, burning gas, got the sunglasses on, looking good. People seeing us going by would have no idea where we are. And we're not really excited about sharing that information. A man does not embrace the concept of going up to total strangers and saying, "You may not know this, but I'm a moron," whereas the woman he's with is only too happy to share that information. I think that helps ease her burden a little. See, to a woman, getting lost on a trip is just a blameless act of nature. But to a man, it's a sign of personal failure. He knew where he was when left; he doesn't know where he is now. Somewhere along the way, he crossed the line between the world he knows and the world he doesn't know. And that's exactly how he felt about when he got married, and when he had kids. So if he admits he's lost in his car, he's gonna have to admit he's lost in those other areas as well. That's way too much to ask. So just sit there, bite your tongue, circle the block a couple of times. Men aren't lost, they just take the long way.

Red Green:
This is a family member, the man who slept with your mother.

Mike Hamar:
...Could you be a little more specific?

Red Green:
Now, I know a lot of you teenagers don't like to hear advice, but communication is an important part of life. And besides, who cares what *you* think?

Red Green:
[singing] This was my granddaddy's farm / A hundred years ago / He won it in a card game / Everyone else had the sense to fold / The ground's as hard as really, really hard material / The water tastes like eggs / But luckily, the government stepped in / And paid him not to grow stuff which was more or less his specialty.

Red Green:
[reading the Salamander Lodge saying] "Quando Omni Flunkus Terra Retreatum"?

Harold Green:
[a bit proudly and grandly] Yes... it means, "When all else fails, hide under a rock".

Red Green:
[in a sneering tone of unimpressed disgust, implying that he thinks that Harold has already failed to be a proper or self-confident grownup, and so he should just hide himself in shame] Okay, then - - you wait here, and I'll go get a ROCK!

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, I know a guy with a car named Sue, he was the butt of many jokes / He had named his car after his wife, 'Cause it's hard to start and it smokes.

Red Green:
You and your wife go out for a walk and you hold...

Dalton Humphries:
My temper.

Red Green:
No, she's feeling romantic so she takes your...

Dalton Humphries:
Wallet?

Red Green:
If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting... and all this lawyer stuff has got me thinkin', maybe later tonight, if you present me with your briefs, I'll recommend a merger.

Red Green:
They say necessity is the mother of invention. Don't know who the father is; probably remorse.

[about sewage]

Winston Rothschild:
It's the last thing people stop doing.

Red Green:
I want to talk to you guys about something that's going to happen to your wife that'll have a tremendous effect on you. You know, a woman gets into those middle years, and she this brief, biological urge to have just the one-more child. I don't know why. Maybe it's because her babies are grown, or maybe she sees a younger woman expecting. Or maybe she realizes that once the kids move out, she'll only have you. But believe me, parenthood at your age is not a good idea. As you're slipping into your second childhood, you don't need somebody around you just starting their first. And you don't want somebody else in the house who goes to the bathroom more often than you do. So here's what you do, okay? Borrow a baby just for the weekend. Find some new parents and babysit. You know, give them a little break. I'll tell ya, by the time you hit the 1 A.M. feeding your wife will be having second thoughts. And then the 3 A.M. colic fits, she'll be asking you to phone the parents. And by the 4 A.M. diaper change, she'll be praying for hot flashes! So just let nature take its course. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, have you ever had a dream you were falling?

Harold Green:
[singing] Falling.

Red Green:
[singing] Well, chances are you weren't really falling.

Harold Green:
[singing] Falling.

Red Green:
[singing] Unless you fell asleep skydiving.

Harold Green:
[singing] Skydiving.

Red Green:
[singing] And that's not really recommended.

Harold Green:
[singing] If you read the instructions, you'd know that.

Harold Green:
I think you should convert the ice cream store into a yogurt shop, because yogurt is good for ya.

Red Green:
[in a slightly cocky tone] Well, I don't LIKE things that are good for me, Harold.

Harold Green:
[in a slightly eager, self-righteous tone] Well, I do - - I LOVE things that are good for me. I ONLY do things that are good for me. I ALWAYS do things that are good for me.

Red Green:
Well, then, stop talking.

Harold Green:
[humbly] Okay.

Red Green:
Stay tuned to find out how the treasure hunt turned out.

Harold Green:
Big hint... we're still doing the show.

Harold Green:
Uncle Red will be right back with his extra terrestrials.

Red Green:
Hey wait a minute! I have the same number of terrestrials as everybody else.

Red Green:
I graduated at age 20.

Harold Green:
I didn't know you went past high school, Uncle Red.

Red Green:
Sure, I did, Harold - - I went past the high school on the way to the Lodge!

Hap Shaughnessy:
All right; I'll pull the little water-skiers.

Red Green:
Great. Thanks, Hap.

Hap Shaughnessy:
It's too bad. I can see me wrestling the great white shark, or riding the great white whale.

Red Green:
Or telling the great white lie.

Red Green:
[poem] It is summer. In the shade of an apple tree, you relax with a mint julep or nine. Summer is no time for stress. You casually forget your aunt's birthday. She thanks you.

Mike Hamar:
I like to listen to the sound of my own heart when I'm... jogging away from things.

Ranger Gord:
Many people have died at the end of a snake. Many people have died at the end of a rope. Think about it.

Red Green:
Just remember, snakes are just as afraid of you as we are of Ranger Gord.

Red Green:
[singing] Oh, your hands are connected to your arms, your arms are connected to your shoulders, your shoulders are connected to your body, your body is connected to your head. Oh, your head is connected to... nothing... and that explains a lot.

[a spitting cobra is preparing to attack]

Ed Frid:
He's getting ready to spit!

Red Green:
Ohh, so am I!

[pause]

Red Green:
Or, or, or, or, or did you say spit?

Dalton Humphrey:
[eagerly] Come on over here and let me show you how the internet works, Red!

Red Green:
[in a tone of weary disinterest] Yeah, yeah, I already know - - dubya-dubya-dubya-dot-sit-on-your-BUTT-for-twelve-hours-a-day-dot-com!

Dalton Humphrey:
[hearing the squeal of the possum, just moments after having accidentally blown up Red's computer by screwing a plum into the fusebox] Meeting time.

Red Green:
Yeah, you go ahead, Mr. Gates - - I'll be down in a minute.

Red Green:
[reciting the Man's Prayer along with the other lodge members] I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

Dalton Humphrey:
Or get an upgrade! [beat] Computer talk.

Red's computer sound system:
[in a sultry crooning woman's voice] You've got mail...!

Red Green:
So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and yes, I know it's the computer age, but let's not forget about personal interaction. When I get home, I want to show you that I'm user-friendly.

Red Green:
[surprised to learn that Harold's boss at the office is a woman] Harold, you have a woman boss?

Harold Green:
So? So do you! Aunt Bernice!

Red Green:
Harold, that's different.

Harold Green:
[smugly] Yeah, I know - I get paid!

Mike Hamar:
One of my dads used to say, "Do unto others before someone does it to you." He said that's in the Bible.

Red Green:
[doubtfully] Not in the King James version... but maybe the JESSE James version.

Harold Green:
[still wearing the sanitary mask and latex gloves from having helped deliver a baby] Meeting time, Uncle Red.

Red Green:
Yeah, you go ahead, Doctor Strange-Glove - - I'll be down in a minute.

Red Green:
[singing] The fish swam in like horses, and jumped up on the beach / They climbed the split-leaf maple, and each one gave a speech / They sang a bunch of show tunes, then hopped back into the lake / It's amazing what you see up here, after you hit your head really really hard on the dock...

Harold Green:
Oh, come on - - Red Green would make a great Elvis!

Red Green:
[grandly] Red Green has LEFT THE BUILDING.

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
Aw, c'mon, Uncle Red - - you GOTTA play Elvis... you'd be perfect fot the part!

Red Green:
[referring to Elvis's well-known practice of swinging his waist while performing] Read my HIPS, Harold - - it's not gonna happen. But it IS lunchtime, so I'm off to GREASE-LAND.

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[in a cheery confident manner] Aw, I dunno - - I still think Red Green would make a great Elvis!

Red Green:
[turning to go out the door] Red Green has LEFT THE BUILDING.

Harold Green (Patrick McKenna):
[relating to his uncle about how a lot of the Possum Lodge members want to audition for the talent show, but that none of them really have much real talent] **Quantity** we've got - - it's when I mention the word QUALITY that the room gets awfully quiet!

Red Green:
The tire iron - it's a simple tool but it's a useful tool. Rather like my brother-in-law.

Dalton Humphrey:
How deep is the deepest part of the ocean? Mike?

Mike Hamar:
Uh, twelve thousand miles.

Dalton Humphrey:
You're high.

Mike Hamar:
No, I'm just nervous.

Dalton Humphrey (Bob Bainborough):
Red, could you store the boat for me at your house? I'm afraid of what Ann-Marie will say if she finds out I bought a boat.

Red Green:
Aw, c'mon, Dalton - - you can't let your wife scare you or make you bow to her wishes. A husband has the right to make his own decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. You wanted a boat, you bought one - - end of story. Besides, if I bring this boat home, Bernice'll kill me!

Dalton Humphries:
Well, your dad taught you about the birds and the bees, didn't he?

Red Green:
No, he just gave me a book by Mickey Spillane called "Kiss Me Deadly" and he said this is what married people do. I thought he meant shoot each other and have car chases.

Red Green:
Come on, Dalton - you can't advertise caviar in your raffle - you know there isn't any caviar in those rusty old cans!

Bob Bainborough as Dalton Humphrey:
[smugly] Oh, I'm not selling them as caviar - I'm selling the POSSIBILITY of caviar!

Red Green:
[as an aside to the audience] I see the POSSIBILITY of JAIL TIME.