The Royle Family

Denise Royle:
Dad, stop fiddling with yourself.

Jim Royle:
I'm not fiddling with meself, I paid a quid for these underpants and I've got about 50 pence worth stuck up me arse.

Barbara Royle:
She's right. If you're not picking you're arse, you're pecking you're teeth.

Jim Royle:
I'll pick what I want in me own house and when she gets her own house she can pick what she likes - her nose, her arse, her teeth. Just go and treat yourself.

Barbara Royle:
Oh, I'm ashamed of this family, I am really.

Denise Royle:
You're tight as a crab's arse, you, Dad.

Jim Royle:
Crab's arse, my arse, it's two pound fifty phoning next door!

Jim Royle:
Anne Robinson, my arse! Watchdog? I am watching a bloody dog!

[On hearing that Denise is pregnant]

Jim Royle:
At least you can do something bloody properly!

[it's Christmas day and Emma and her parents have been invited to the house - Jim is telling Roger about his career prospects]

Jim Royle:
I've joined the dance

Roger Kavanagh:
What dance is that, Jim?

Jim Royle:
The REDUNdance

Barbara Royle:
[about her mother on the phone] It's shocking, really, you know - she's 82.

Jim Royle:
Why what's happened?

Barbara Royle:
Well, she went down the precinct and she had this voucher - and it was one day out of date and the miserable sod of a manager wouldn't let her have the money off!

Jim Royle:
How much was it worth?

Barbara Royle:
20p.

Jim Royle:
20p? It'll cost her more than that to ring every bugger she knows to tell!

Barbara Royle:
Antony, take that chicken out to the bins, will you, love? That chicken will start to stink if we leave it out.

Antony Royle:
Mam, I've just sat down [points at Jim] what about lazy-arse here!

Barbara Royle:
'Ey! There's to much swearing in this house [turns to Jim] that's you that is Jim, you've taught him that!

Jim Royle:
Taught him my arse!

Denise Royle:
Shall we go down The Feathers for the last hour?

Dave Best:
No, I'm knackered.

Denise Royle:
Ok. I'm not bothered anyway - we can always stay in and watch the telly.

Dave Best:
Is there 'owt on?

Denise Royle:
No.

Dave Best:
Well, we may as well go down the feathers then.

Denise Royle:
You were too knackered to go a minute ago!

Barbara Royle:
Oh, let him go for a drink if that's what he wants!

Denise Royle:
I just asked him! He said he was too knackered to go!

Dave Best:
Do you wanna' go or what?

Denise Royle:
I wanted to go in the first place. I'm not going now anyway - you've annoyed me.

Barbara Royle:
[talking to Denise who obviously isn't listening] Oh - you know that Donna who works with me. Well, she only works half days - afternoons. And her Mam usually picks the kids up for her; anyway - her Mam's going into hospital and she won't be able to pick the kids up for her. So, Donna, wants to swap to mornings', so - she has to see Pauline. So, she goes and sees Pauline and she says "Can I swap to mornings?" and she tells her, you know, about her Mam going to hospital and all that. And Pauline's not having any of it - she's got herself in a right pickle. What's she going to do?

Denise Royle:
What are you on about?

Barbara Royle:
Donna!

Jim Royle:
What's the matter with her?

Barbara Royle:
Well, her Mam you see normally picks the kids up for her in the afternoons' after school - but she's going into hospital so she won't be able to. So Donna wanted to swap - Pauline won't let her. So she's stuck with someone to pick the kids' up for her, ain't she.

Jim Royle:
Well, what's that got to do with you? I mean it's not your bloody problem is it?

Barbara Royle:
I'm just telling you!

Jim Royle:
Well, don't you think I've got enough to worry about myself?

Barbara Royle:
[sighs] You've no interest in anyone but yourself, Jim.

Norma Speakman:
I never drink me, just a sherry at Christmas, whiskey at new year and a bottle of stout.

Mary Carroll:
Look at Anthony's hair. He looks like a little choir boy.

Jim Royle:
He looks like a little gay boy.

Jim Royle:
Woah-ho, if you lot take my advice, you won't go near that lavatory for at least half an hour and whatever you do don't strike a bloody match.

Denise Royle:
Dad, we've got company.

Jim Royle:
Well, it's only Dave, he's as bloody bad.

Denise Royle:
Why do you have to announce it every time you go to the toilet.

Jim Royle:
I'm only making polite conversation, what's the do with her?

Denise Royle:
Well, we could do without it, thanks all the same.

Jim Royle:
[to Barbara] And what do you keep buying that bloody cheap toilet paper for? It's cutting my arse to ribbons.

Denise Royle:
Mam, tell him, he's doing it on purpose now.

Barbara Royle:
When I was buying the dear stuff you complained.

Jim Royle:
[taken aback] I didn't.

Barbara Royle:
You did, said you 'may as well wipe your arse on pound notes.

Jim Royle:
[Jim starts to laugh hysterically] Oh, yeah, I did, yeah, I did, yeah.

Barbara Royle:
[in a discussion of homosexuals] Well, I don't care what anybody is - I don't care whether they're gay, straight or Australian. It's what they're like as a person that matters.

Jim Royle:
Aye, aye Barb', steady on there, will ya? This ain't Live Aid you know, its just my bloody birthday.

Barbara Royle:
Oh, you're a sarcastic bugger you are Jim!

Norma Speakman:
[after Dave agrees to take her home] Oh, you're a good'n. I'll leave you something nice in my will.

Dave Best:
Hey - why wait till then? There'll be plenty of room in the back of the van when you get out - I've had my eye on that clock of yours.

Norma Speakman:
Ha, ha - you cheeky begger. Hugh Scully'd give us a few bob for that.

Denise Royle:
Will you stop talking about Nana dying?

Jim Royle:
Yeah! Have a little bit of respect - wait till she's gone out of the door. [laughs] Oh, I'm only joking, Norma - bloody hell, it'll be a sad day in this house when you snuff it... if we don't get that clock.

Barbara Royle:
Oh - he hasn't got a heart, Mam - he's got a swinging brick.

Jim Royle:
Get your coat on, Barb.

Barbara Royle:
Are you taking me with you?

Jim Royle:
No, I'm gonna turn the fire off... of course I'm taking you. I wouldn't leave you here on me birthday, would I? Better bring your purse.

Barbara Royle:
[quietly] Ugh.

Norma Speakman:
May God forgive you Jim Royle for talking ill of the dead like that.

Jim Royle:
I wasn't speaking ill of the dead, I was speaking about you, the living bloody dead!

Denise Royle:
[talking about Dave and Beverly Macca] Every time when I come out of the toilet she was round him, right, like flies, right, round sh*t. [to Dave] And you're the sh*t, and she? she's not even the fly because she's to fat to be the fly and she's the sh*t and that's what they are, they're two shovels of sh*t.

Barbara Royle:
You don't have to bring sh*t into it, love.

Denise Royle:
[to Dave] Every time you do a gig round here, that cow is there!

Jim Royle:
What's going on now?

Barbara Royle:
Oh, they're arguing about Beverly Macca.

Jim Royle:
She's all right ? Beverly. She's a tasty little piece.

Denise Royle:
I'm only not smoking in front of Baby David until he's old enough to get up and walk out of the room, then it's his choice.

Dave Best:
'Ey, I'm rough today me me guts are well off, I had a bad pint last night.

Jim Royle:
I bet you washed them down with a few more, though, didn't you.

Antony Royle:
How d'ya know if its a bad pint?

Dave Best:
Cos you can sh*t through the eye of a needle.

Jim Royle:
Where did you go?

Dave Best:
Pear tree.

Jim Royle:
Bloody hell, you don't wanna drink in there.

Dave Best:
Well, I know that now, don't I?

Jim Royle:
Bloody hell, He doesn't clean his pumps him.

Antony Royle:
No, actually the lagers all right.

Jim Royle:
How would you know, soft lad?

Antony Royle:
Dad, I'm 15.

Jim Royle:
'Ey! listen if I ever catch you in The Feathers I'll clip you round the bloody ear, you do not sh*t on your own doorstep!

Dave Best:
I nearly did last night, I couldn't get the key in quick enough.

Barbara Royle:
How's your diet going, Cheryl?

Cheryl Carroll:
Oh, all right thanks, yeah, Barbara, I lost 4 pounds... and then I put 2 back on and then another 2. But I've not gained any.

Barbara Royle:
Oh, well I think you're doing ever so well to stick to it, love.

Norma Speakman:
[talking about Dave and Denise's honeymoon] So, where is it you're going again?

Denise Royle:
Tenerife.

Norma Speakman:
Ooh, that'll be gorgeous, won't it! Me and your grandad went to Blackpool for a week in a B&B. It's a Harry Ramsden's now, which is quite fitting as we met in a fish shop, It was after the town hall dance, I went there with my friend Betty.

Barbara Royle:
Oh, Betty.

Barbara Royle:
She married a joiner, moved to Leeds, he knocked her about a bit, but her home was lovely.

Mary Carroll:
Do you ever hear from her, Norma?

Norma Speakman:
No, I never liked her even when we were best friends.

Jim Royle:
[talking about Joe] Look out, here comes Mastermind.

Norma Speakman:
Is this hat too far forward?

Jim Royle:
No, we can still see your face.

Norma Speakman:
Would you like a sandwich, love?

Dave Best:
No thanks, Nana.

Norma Speakman:
There's no Picalilly left in this jar.

Jim Royle:
You're joking. Do you think we can continue with the celebrations in the face of that revelation?

Norma Speakman:
Where's your best man, Barry in't it?

Dave Best:
No, Gary. He's got to work he can't get the morning off, he's coming straight from the butchers.

Jim Royle:
It's all we want, innit,tThe church stinking of bloody mince.

Twiggy:
Ey, you know what'll happen, don't ya, he'll put his hand in his pocket for the ring and pull out a pork chop.

Barbara Royle:
Give us a go of that new lippy, Denise. It's a lovely colour, in't it? You know I can't usually wear red, it does nothing for me. Can't wear red, can I, Jim?

Jim Royle:
No, that's what's held you back all these years.

Barbara Royle:
D'ya know I am looking my age, it's these last few months it's crept up on me. Mind you it could be worse at least I've still got me schoolgirl figure.

Jim Royle:
I must clean that mirror.

Denise Royle:
Get lost, Dad, Mam's got a great figure for a woman her age.

Barbara Royle:
It's gonna be really tempting working at that Bakers. I don't wanna put any weight on before the wedding, I want to get meself a really nice little suit.

Jim Royle:
Why don't you go in your school uniform, it still fits you, doesn't it?

Norma Speakman:
Ey, I tell you who is in hospital, Gwen's husband.

Barbara Royle:
Ooh, what's he having done?

Norma Speakman:
He's having something fitted.

Jim Royle:
What - a wardrobe?

Barbara Royle:
[talking about Cheryl] Have you asked her to be bridesmaid?

Denise Royle:
Aw, yeah, aw, she was thrilled.

Jim Royle:
Bridesmaid, my arse, she'll look like a bloody Easter egg on legs.

Antony Royle:
Yeah, and the only reason you're having her as a bridesmaid is to make you look better.

Denise Royle:
Get lost, Anthony!

Barbara Royle:
Is she really on a diet?

Denise Royle:
Yeah.

Barbara Royle:
D'ya think she'll ever get married?

Antony Royle:
Who'd have her?

Jim Royle:
Stevie Wonder.

Antony Royle:
[laughs] Yeah.

Jim Royle:
Anthony, if that's the invisible man, tell him I can't see him.

Barbara Royle:
Get the door, will ya, Anthony?

Antony Royle:
I have to do everything around here!

Jim Royle:
It's probably Snow White looking for you, Grumpy!

Jim Royle:
I'm gonna go and have a chat with the Arabs.

Cheryl Carroll:
What d'ya mean Jim?

Jim Royle:
Mustapha Crap.

Antony Royle:
Who's stunk that toilet out?

Barbara Royle:
Who d'ya think.

Jim Royle:
Well that's what its for isn't it, where d'you expect me to sh*t? You'd soon have something to worry about if I crapped in the kitchen.

Barbara Royle:
Is there 'owt on, Jim?

Jim Royle:
No

Barbara Royle:
'Ey Jim, Jim, d'ya fancy an early night?

Jim Royle:
There must be bloody something on, mustn't there!

Denise Royle:
Dad! Your flies are undone!

Jim Royle:
Ah, the cage might be open, but the beast is asleep.

Barbara Royle:
Beast my arse!

Jim Royle:
[on Christmas Day] This is one day of the year we all get together to watch the bloody television, and look at this shite they put on!

Cheryl Carroll:
[talking about Anthony] Has he got a girlfriend yet?

Denise Royle:
Yeah... His hand

Norma Speakman:
[about her eye surgeon] D'ya know what he said, Barbara? He said, even though I'm taking the cataract out of your eye, I'm leaving the twinkle in.

Dave Best:
[Jim, Dave and Denise are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The previous question was Ethanol is a form of which substance?] Alcohol. I thought you would've known that, Denise.

Denise Royle:
I've never even drank ethanol.

Denise Royle:
[yelling at Dave after going into labour with him not there] Trust you not to be here when me waters broke! You right useless lump of shite!

Mary Carroll:
Michelle, I think I have one of your children in my class.

Michelle:
Are you a teacher Mary?

Mary Carroll:
Yes.

Barbara Royle:
No you're not a teacher, you're a dinnerlady!

Mary Carroll:
Oh yes.

Jim Royle:
Your bloody Nana's bloody more interested in bloody Coronation bloody Street than the baby!

Barbara Royle:
Jim, how many bloodies is that?

Barbara Royle:
[about Norma] To be honest, I think she might have to stay another week.

Jim Royle:
Another bloody week? Over my dead body!

Barbara Royle:
Jim, she thinks the world of you.

Jim Royle:
Thinks the bloody world of me? You'd think when she had a family sized bag of bloody Revels, did she offer me one? Did she shite! She sat on her big fat arse and commented on every single one that she put into her big fat gob!

Jim Royle:
[imitating Norma eating the Revels] Oo, coconut. OH oo orange! Oh Malt bloody Teasers!

Barbara Royle:
Oh? Is that it, then? We can't look after my own mother because she wouldn't share a bag of Revels? Grow up Jim!

Jim Royle:
Me grow up! She makes me un bloody plug everything before we go to bed! And she's got the blanket on all night!

Barbara Royle:
If it had been your mum and dad, God rest their souls, I'd have done anything for them!

Jim Royle:
She should be in her bloody home!

Barbara Royle:
Well she is in a home! She's in our home and that's where she's staying, with her family that loves her!

Jim Royle:
[imitates Norma again] Oo caramel, I think. Oh no, it's not caramel, I think it's er - oh it's coffee I think it's coffee! Greedy old cow!

Barbara Royle:
[Denise's waters have broken] Oh Denise! You're going to give birth on Christmas Day!

Jim Royle:
Jesus!

Antony Royle:
Hey, Dad.

Jim Royle:
[grunting] Hm?

Antony Royle:
Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Because everyone's supposed to remember where they were.

Jim Royle:
Kennedy dead? When? [everyone laughs] I don't know where the bloody hell I was, but wherever I was - there's a bloody good chance our immersion heater was on!

Jim Royle:
I'm off for a chat with the Arabs. Mustafa Crap.

Jim Royle:
I paid a quid for these pants and I've got fifty pence worth stuck up me arse.

Barbara Royle:
Oh, so Cheryl how's the diet coming along?

Cheryl Carroll:
Oh really really well thanks.

Barbara Royle:
Aww, would you like a biscuit?

Cheryl Carroll:
Yeah.

Barbara Royle:
[after finding out about Denise's pregnancy, Barbara starts pouring out champagne] /There we are Denise.

Denise Best:
Oh hey mam, give us another one, I'm drinking for two remember

Little David:
Can I watch The Simpsons, Grandad?

Jim:
Ah ah ah, now what do we say?

Little David:
Can I watch The Simpsons, please?

Jim:
No.

Jim Royle:
The Queen of Bloody Sheba has only stolen the batteries out of me bloody remote control!

Dave Best:
What for?

Jim Royle:
To fan her-bloody-self that's what for! So I've had to sit for an hour and watch 'Location, Location, Lo-bloody-cation'!

Dave Best:
Well, why don't you just turn it over at the telly?

Jim Royle:
Because that's what she wants, can't you see that? Me up and down like a blue arse fly! She's the puppet master! "pulling the strings, up and down up and down" You've got Barbra wiping her arse and plucking her bloody chin every half an hour, and everyone else has to empty her bag because she's too lazy top go for a bloody piss! And do you know what the crafty old cow's done now, the wicked old witch? She's stole the bloody battaries out of my bloody remote! Ya know what? Everything in this house revolves around her now!

Dave Best:
I've not noticed.

Jim Royle:
You've not noticed? Bloody hell lad, she's been lying on her back for the past six months where we used to sit and have our tea! And you haven't noticed? Bloody hell Dave! You go in that room and you tell Barbra I will not set foot in that room until I get me bloody batteries back in that!

Dave Best:
Barbra, Jim said "he's not setting foot in that room until he get's his batteries back"

Barbara Royle:
See what I mean Denise? Well you can tell him he can get off his big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop

Dave Best:
She said "you can get off your big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop"

Jim Royle:
Well you can tell her that if I do have to go to the shop and buy batteries, that have been stolen from my bloody remote, I won't be coming back!

Dave Best:
Barbra... hang on, what did you say Jim?

Jim Royle:
If I do have to go to the shop and buy batteries, that have been stolen from my remote, I won't be coming back!

Dave Best:
He says "if he has to got to the shop, he won't be coming back"

Barbara Royle:
Well you tell him if he thinks more of his remote control then he does of his own family he needn't bother coming back!

Dave Best:
She said...

Jim Royle:
I know what she said, I'm not bloody deaf Dave! I heard her you bloody great streak of piss! Go on, piss off!

Denise Royle:
Aww mam! Will you go and get rid of the knobhead I'm marrying?

Norma Speakman:
Is this hat too far forward?

Jim Royle:
No, we can still see your face. I'm only jokin' Norma.