The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

[repeated line]

Zack Martin:
[to Maddie] Hey, Sweet thang!

[repeated line]

London:
Yay, me!

[repeated line]

Esteban:
Oh, this is a DISASTER!

[repeated line]

London:
Whatcha doin'?

Zack Martin:
Hey Vannessa, we have something in common- we both like staring at you.

Agnes:
What part did you get Zackykins?

Zack Martin:
Lysander; sounds like a mouthwash.

Gwen:
[after zack gets lysander and gwen gets hermia] Wait, what part did you get?

Cody Martin:
I got bottom!

Bob:
That part must stink.

Cody Martin:
Bottom's a donkey.

Bob:
A donkey named Bottom. That must really stink.

Bob:
Well, whatever part I got it has to be better than Bottom.

Agnes:
[looks at casting list] You're Puck, the fairy.

Bob:
A fairy? I hate my mom.

Gwen:
Get away from my boyfriend!

Agnes:
Your boyfriend? Alright someone's getting banished now!

Cody Martin:
But first, you must changeth me back into a dude!

Zack Martin:
[excited, to Cody] Did you hear that? Maddy wants me to go to the prom with her! I better practice my kissing.

Cody Martin:
[to Zack] Don't look at me!

London:
[talking to two nuns] So what company do you two work for again?

Maddie:
Stop making Jeff think you're fabulous. I want him to think *I'm* fabulous.

London:
Is he rich?

Maddie:
No, but he's sweet, kind, smart and funny.

London:
Ew, loser, you can have him.

Zack Martin:
No I don't know what the fat content is! Just stick it in the mustard, stick it in your mouth, and walk away!

Maddie:
When did you suddenly become so interested in school?

Zack Martin:
When you said you wanted someone smart.

Maddie:
That may be the most wonderful thing any boy... man has ever said to me.

Zack Martin:
Hey there, Sweet Thang! Got any tall, blond, and

[mimes hourglass shape]

Zack Martin:
Curvy?

Maddie:
Sorry, we're fresh out.

Zack Martin:
My English teacher is right. I *am* completely unkempt at everything.

Carey Martin:
I think you mean 'inept,' honey.

Zack Martin:
You see?

Hector:
Your bank accounts have been unfrozen and now you are rich.

Esteban:
Really? Rich enough to my pet chicken a coop?

Hector:
A solid gold coop with a doorman!

London Tipton:
Moseby, why did you fire Esteban? Sure, he is incompetent, you can barely understand a word he says, his best friend is a chicken... where was I?

London Tipton:
[talking about Esteban's apartment] Why are you going to that ratty little place?

Esteban:
How do you know what my place looks like?

London Tipton:
Because compared to where I live, everyone has a ratty little place!

London Tipton:
We can be BFFWLSAGSAL!

Mr. Moseby, Esteban:
What?

London Tipton:
"Best Friends Forever Who Love Spending and Go Shopping A Lot".

Kurt:
Well, boys, you better do your homework. It's a school night.

Zack Martin:
Mom always lets us watch "Wrestle Smackathon".

Kurt:
Oh, really? Cause on the "Don't" list, [picks up the list provided by Carey and reads it] "Don't let them convince you I let them watch 'Wrestle Smackathon' before they do their homework".

Zack Martin:
Right. Jelly babies, cherry soda and cheese products in a can. All the ingredients of romance!

Cody Martin:
Pate - low fat, crackers - low sodium and chocolate cake - low nothing. Room freshener - forest pine. [inhales] All the ingredients of romance!

Cody Martin:
You have nothing to fear from a man who only seeks to adore you.

Barbara Brownstein:
Oh, that is sweet. And if you try to try to go too far, I have a black belt in karate and can snap your arm like a twig.

Mr. Moseby:
You must have some money saved.

Esteban:
Yes, I do. I saved about a million pestabas.

Mr. Moseby:
Well, that's good.

Esteban:
Except for in this country, it comes to about $1.40.

Esteban:
Oh, Mr. Moseby, I should've listened to you instead of Miss Spend-Now-Save-Never!

Mr. Moseby:
It's OK, Esteban. It's times like these that a man shows his true character.

Esteban:
You're right. I must show that I'm strong and I'm in control. [pause] Oh, I want that money!

Kurt:
[to Zack and Cody, before playing a Viking at the theatre] You are so grounded, I'm going to spend the entire second act thinking of punishments that a Viking would find cruel!

Abby:
[After Kurt walks in dressed as a Viking] Why is there a Viking in your apartment?

Zack Martin:
Er... we ordered German take-out?

Kurt:
First of all, Vikings are from Scandinavia. And second of all, I'm their father.

Warren:
My maple leaf, actually smells like maple.

Bob:
I don't understand why my oak leaf doesn't smell like oak.

Mr. Moseby:
That's because it's poison oak.

Bob:
[quickly drops his leaf] That must explain the itching.

Mr. Moseby:
That's okay I've got some ointment for that, it is critical that you don't...

Bob:
[grabbing Moesby's arm] What!

Mr. Moseby:
...touch anyone.

Mr. Moseby:
Cody, didn't I tell you to tie the food bag up with a rope?

Cody Martin:
Yes, but as a ranking koala bear, I decided to delegate, so I asked Bob to do it.

Bob:
And I asked Warren to do it.

Warren:
And I forgot to do it!

Cody Martin:
Oh, no! We've been ransacked by a bear!

Zack Martin:
Yeah! A bear with feet the size of a racoon!

Cody Martin:
Oh, no! We've been ransacked by a bear-coon!

Warren:
Hey, the food's gone!

Cody Martin:
Oh, no! This is not good! That bag was part of a matching set!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[Maddie asks Carey whether it is right for her to date London's ex] He's smart, cute and he's rich.

Carey Martin:
[sarcastically] Wow, that's a problem. [normal voice] Does he have a brother?

Veronica:
Is he a brother?

Cody Martin:
I'm the smart one! I'm the smart one!

Zack Martin:
Oh yeah, What's the capital of Honduras?

Cody Martin:
Tegucigalpa.

Zack Martin:
You really are the smart one!

Arwin:
[as Arwinstein, exhausted from carrying Carey] Ahhh!

Carey Martin:
[shrugging, a bit nervous] I know I know I gained a few pounds but I go jogging everyday.

Arwin:
[as Arwinstein, not believing] Ahhh?

Carey Martin:
Would you believe three times a week?

Arwin:
[as Arwinstein, still not believing] Ah?

Carey Martin:
[defeated] Ok, I went yesterday.

Arwin:
[as Arwinstein, convinced] Ahhhhh!

Zack Martin:
Arwin, there's something in the basement in your secret room!

Arwin:
[anxious] I don't know anything about a secret room.

Cody Martin:
[insisting] The one behind the bookcase!

Arwin:
I don't know anything about a bookcase.

Zack Martin:
Arwin!

Arwin:
[walking away] I don't know any Arwin!

[explaining who's in charge of which department of the school newspaper]

Cody Martin:
Wally's our weather guy, Barbara's our investigative reporter, Alexis is our copy girl, Vance is our photographer, and the lovely Janice and Jessica are doing Health and Beauty.

Janice:
I'm doing health.

Jessica:
I thought I was doing health.

Janice:
You're doing beauty.

Jessica:
Yes, but I'd rather be healthy than beautiful.

Janice:
But I'm really healthy.

Jessica:
But I'm really, really healthy.

Barbara Brownstein:
And I'm, really, really glad you're not triplets.

London:
[On the phone] Maddie, I can't sleep, what should I do?

Maddie:
[On the phone] Okay the first thing you have to do... is hang up the phone.

London:
Right.

[Hangs up]

London:
NOW WHAT?

Mr. Moseby:
First relax your muscles from your head to your toes.

[London shakes her body]

Mr. Moseby:
Then count backwards from 100.

London:
Okay, 100...

Mr. Moseby:
[Groans] 99...

London:
You do it Moseby, your better at the alphabet.

London:
[counting backwards, trying to fall asleep] You do it Mosby, you're better at the alphabet.

Zack Martin:
Cody, if you don't give me a job in the paper, I'll keep on making scary monster sounds when you're sleeping.

Cody Martin:
You're Mr. Spooky Head?

Zack Martin:
Just ask me out honey and hope I say yes.

Cody Martin:
[to Zack] You really think your advice is going to work? "Take a chance. Ask him out for a milkshake." [Zack and Cody walk over to Darlene]

Darlene:
Hey, Zack. Just taking a chance here. Would you like to go for a milkshake?

[repeated line]

Esteban:
Pushing the pause button... *now*!

Zack Martin:
[yelling at Jamie, who is leaving] The Jamie I knew wasn't a quitter! But if that's what you want, then fine! Just keep on walking! [to Daryl] That was a poor choice of words.

London Tipton:
Maddie, that makeup you're wearing makes you look all sad.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I *am* sad.

London Tipton:
Oh, no... now you're probably going to tell me why and I'm gonna have to pretend to care...

Lance:
Sorry I'm late. Some kid threw up in the hot tub... kinda hard to pick up the chunks when they're all swirling around like that...

Zack Martin:
[over the phone, to his wheelchair-bound friend, Jamie] Dude, you gotta get over here right now! Jessica Simpson is in the hotel!

Carey Martin:
Jessica Simpson is here? Oh, maybe I can get her to sing for our PTA fundraiser. [holds up a burnt pastry] I don't think the bake sale's going to go very well.

Zack Martin:
[putting the phone to his chest so Jamie can't hear him] Don't be silly, Jessica Simpson's not here! [talking to Jamie again] Oh, I just saw her walk by! Hi, Jessica! [gives the phone to Cody]

Cody Martin:
[tries to do his best Jessica Simpson impression, complete with Southern accent] Hey y'all! Wanna come hang out with me by the pool? I need someone to help rub in my suntan lotion!

Millicent:
I still don't understand. If I'm working your shift so you can go to a concert, then why are you getting paid?

Nia:
Duh! It's my shift.

Millicent:
Oh, thanks for explaining.

Zack Martin:
Hey, Millicent, we'll take a chocolate Crispy Bar.

Cody Martin:
Heh, it's my money. We'll take some Twisty Corn Puffs.

Zack Martin:
Crispy Bar.

Cody Martin:
Twisty Puffs.

Zack Martin:
Crispy Bar.

Cody Martin:
Twisty Puffs.

Millicent:
[interrupts them] Okay, that's it! It's because of you people that I wake up in the middle of the night screaming! Well, I kinda did that before... but it's gotten worse since I started working here! Eat this

[reaches for a magazine]

Millicent:
and LIKE IT!

Zack Martin:
Wow, Millicent, I've never seen you stand up for yourself like this.

Millicent:
Yeah, it feels good.

[she falls to the ground unconscious]

Wayne Wormser:
It's not over until the fat lady sings. Oops, I didn't mean to bring your mother into this.

Zack Martin:
What rhymes with orange?

Max:
Nothing! Everyone knows nothing rhymes with orange!

Tapeworm:
Oh yea what about... phnaorange

Max:
Thank you, Dr.Suess.

London:
I'm not sure I like this tangerine!

Maddie:
No, London. That's a tam*bour*ine. A tan*ger*ine is what the audience is going to throw at you.

Tapeworm:
[opens the closet to see that Zack and Cody are gone] Oh, no, there gone! They've been sucked into a black hole and are hurdling through time and space.

Max:
Or they crawled through that vent.

Tapeworm:
Now let's not get carried away.

Zack Martin:
We're gonna beat you in the battle of the bands.

Maddie:
No you're not.

Zack Martin:
Yeah, we have great looks, a great song and... we're 12 and cute!

Maddie:
Yeah. well I'm 15 and hot.

Zack Martin:
You are good.

Lance:
Water spilled all on our instrument and like now they're like wet and don't work. I thought water was good but I quess it has a dark side.

Maddie:
London, I should have told you that you weren't a very good singer.

London:
A very 'well' singer.

[Mr. Moseby is at a Red Sox vs. Yankees game with Zach and Cody]

Mr. Moseby:
Stealing a base, while "theatrical," is statistically inadvisable!

Fan:
I'll tell you what's inadvisable. Shooting off your mouth when you don't know diddly!

Mr. Moseby:
Well, I'm sure that this Diddly is a fine fellow!

Mr. Moseby:
Ho many times have I told you not to disturb the guests?

Cody Martin:
2708

Zack Martin:
But it never gets old...

Cody Martin:
Hey mom! e got 3 tickets so you can take us to the game tomorro!

Zack Martin:
Won't that be fun?

Mr. Moseby:
[scene change] Not fun!

Maitre'd:
Well, if it isn't little miss "I'm sorry, but this hotel doesn't stock your favorite flavor of gum."

Maddie:
Maitre'd, no-one likes coconut-flavored gum.

Maitre'd:
I do, so apparently, I'm a nobody.

Carey Martin:
The more you connect with them the less your stuff they'll break.

Mr. Moseby:
You really expect me to believe that?

Carey Martin:
No... Mr. Moesby, please, please, please, please, please! I never get a day to myself and the boys love you.

Mr. Moseby:
They love me?

Carey Martin:
No, but they might if you took them to a baseball game.

Guest #1:
Well, I can't believe that hotel guy won't take his own kids to a baseball game.

Mr. Moseby:
They're not my...

Guest #2:
That's just not right.

Mr. Moseby:
But I hate baseball.

Guest #1:
Now that's just un-American.

Guest #2:
Can you believe this guy? I guess you hate apple pie too, huh, fella? And puppies. And your own mama.

Mr. Moseby:
Sir...

[shouts]

Mr. Moseby:
I love my mama!

[to Carey]

Mr. Moseby:
I'd love to take the boys to the game. What time is kick-off?

Cody Martin:
There's life in me!

Patrick:
Mr. Moseby. Joining us for dinner? Might I suggest the duck a la splat?

[Patrick and Maddie laugh]

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, you heard, huh?

Patrick:
Or the chicken bomb bay?

[Maddie and Patrick laugh again, Moseby scowls at them]

Patrick:
A little bird told me.

[Maddie and Patrick laugh yet again]

Mr. Moseby:
Mmm-hmm. That's very funny, Patrick. Keep it up, and the next restaurant you work at, you'll be wearing a paper hat.

Patrick:
Okay, okay, I'm done. That last one was pretty cheap.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Cheep-cheep.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[Mr. Moseby wants the hawk to be taken to the zoo to get it away from the hotel] I know Cody. And he'll never put his baby in a cage!

Mr. Moseby:
Oh! Well, maybe the zoo will also take the twins! Oh, happy day!

Cody Martin:
Don't you know anything about parenting?

Carey Martin:
Apparantly not.

Cody Martin:
[the hawk he hatched and raised flies off] Look at him go.

Carey Martin:
He's beautiful.

Cody Martin:
Mom, when you moved out, did your mother cry? [breaks down crying]

Carey Martin:
Only after I was gone.

[repeated line]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
The Tipton hates hawks! The Tipton hates hawks!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
And that's why it should be able to fly free!

Mr. Moseby:
[the hawk splats on his shoulder once more] And that's why I'm running out of suits...

Zack Martin:
[filming the egg] Make it do something.

Cody Martin:
It's an egg. What do you want it to do? Stupid egg tricks?

Zack Martin:
[interestedly] Can it?

Cody Martin:
Who came up with those rules?

Bob:
Nine Finger Nick

London:
Do you promise not to tell?

Maddie:
I promise. Or may the evil Fitzpatrick leprechaun steal me away in the night!

London:
You believe in "evil" leprechauns?

Maddie:
They're not all nice you know!

Zack Martin:
Why don't you bake me cookies whenever I get a C?

Carey Martin:
There's not enough dough in the world

Zack Martin:
Well it's true!

London:
[puts hand up as if she is about to talk] . "London's talking."

Mr. Woodburn:
Remember, this counts towards one third of your final grade.

Cody Martin:
[shrieks]

Zack Martin:
Would you relax? You're gonna do fine.

Bob:
No, he won't. He's hopeless.

Zack Martin:
Not helping!

Bob:
Not lying!

Maddie:
[after being punished for something London did] That is cruel and unusual punishment.

Sister Dominick:
No, reading your Svetlana story was. "Gently froze to death." Give me a break!

Zack Martin:
Hey, why don't you make cookies for me when I get a C?

Carey Martin:
There's not enough dough in the world.

Carey Martin:
Well, the best part is I've got this clock and this wonderful wheelbarrow.

Cody Martin:
It's a birdhouse!

Carey Martin:
That's what I said.

[a mall security guard arrests Zack and Prince Sanjei for stealing clothes]

Prince Sanjei:
You are the one who's being in trouble.

[clapping]

Prince Sanjei:
I banish you.

Delilah:
And yet, I'm still here.

Zack Martin:
[tells Sanjei and cody] This is a sure-fire plan!

Cody Martin:
[turns to Sanjei] That's what he says right before we get grounded.

Zack Martin:
I consider you more like a friend.

Carey Martin:
And friends don't give friends their allowances.

Zack Martin:
I've got a plan!

Prince Sanjei:
I will summon them! [claps] You may aproach me! [girls leave]

Zack Martin:
Hey ladies! Didn't I see you on the cover of I Like Blonde Guys magazine? [girls leave]

Prince Sanjei:
If you were a snake charmer, you'd be dead! [laughs]

London Tipton:
I looked out my window and saw this big, glowing disc in the sky!

Cody Martin:
That's called the moon.

London Tipton:
I knew that! And during the day, it's called the sun. [walks off]

London Tipton:
Maddie, if an alien were really cute, would you date him?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
No. I don't belive in long-distance relationships. Would you?

London Tipton:
Yeah. If his spaceship was a convertable.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Say, creme brulee?

London Tipton:
[imitating Maddie] Creme brulee.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Just order it to room service. [handing London the phone]

Cody Martin:
[praying and staring to the ceiling] Forgive him Great Kanish. He's lost his lentils.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[Zack steps out of elevator] Playing elevator football again?

Zack Martin:
Yeah, you can be the cheerleader. [Cody's elevator opens]

Zack Martin:
Hut, hike! [tackles Cody]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[Mr. Moseby walks up from behind] 3,5,7,9, Moseby's gonna kick your behind!

Carey:
Zack?

Zack Martin:
Mom!

Mr. Babalabaloo:
Prince Sanjei!

Prince Sanjei:
Mr. Babalabaloo!

Delilah:
Carey?

Carey:
Delilah?

Mr. Moseby:
You two know each other?

Carey:
From my book club.

Delilah:
So, these are your twins.

Carey:
Unfortunately, yes.

Alien #1:
Boy humans are ugly!

London Tipton:
Who you callin' ugly Mr. Avacado-head?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
mmhhmmm

[does the whole click,click thing while moving her head from side to side]

Alien #1:
[sneaking around London and Maddie's room] You are afraid of an inferior life form! You are unworthy of our mission!

Alien #2:
Mom said use your words!

Alien #1:
Mom's two trillion light-years away! Deal with it!

Maddie:
Give me liberty!

Cody Martin:
Or give me death!

Zack Martin:
Is there a third choice?

Zack Martin:
Oh no he di-int!

Carey Martin:
I once dated this guy...

[Zack and Cody groan]

Carey Martin:
What?

Cody Martin:
You fought against City Hall and won.

Zack Martin:
And then he dumped you.

Carey Martin:
Have I told you this story before?

Zack Martin:
No. That's just how all your boyfriend stories end.

Carey Martin:
You boys need to do your American History homework

Zack Martin:
Mother, there is no American History. Yesterday we got here on the boat and today we bathed in the creek!

Zack Martin:
I just had a dream that taught me two things; No matter how small you are, if you're fighting for something you believe in, you could win.

Cody Martin:
What's the second thing?

Zack Martin:
Bob looks terrible in petticoats.

Carey:
What are you doing?

Zack Martin:
Counting my armpit hair. One... done.

Carey:
[to Cody] That's my little warrior!

Zack Martin:
Ha! Your little warrior sleeps with a bunny-rabbit nightlight.

Maddie:
Ok Esteban. Who was the first president of the United States?

Esteban:
It's...

London Tipton:
Oo! I know this one. He chopped down a cherry tree, icky wooden teeth. Don't tell me.

Esteban:
It's George Washington!

London Tipton:
No, that's not it.

Maddie:
Yes. It is. The guy on the one dollar bill.

London Tipton:
They make a one dollar bill?

Maddie:
I bet you can't name a single Founding Father.

London Tipton:
Can so. My father founded Tipton Industries!

Maddie:
But that's not...

London Tipton:
I'm bored. Bye! [London walks off]

London Tipton:
Stop! If you get any dirt on this dress, daddy will take away your bully dozer!

[dodges the bulldozer]

Esteban:
I know that one! It's when the colonist rebelled against the British because of texas.

Maddie:
You mean, taxes?

Esteban:
That's what I said, texas!

Carey:
Wow, how'd you figure that out?

Cody Martin:
Zack did.

Carey, Arwin:
No, seriously.

Zack Martin:
You know, I wish you people would realize that I'm a thoughtful and intelligent person.

Carey:
I realize that, honey.

Zack Martin:
We're gonna go lay down in front of the bulldozers.

Carey:
I spoke too soon!

Mr. Moseby:
Maddie we need to raise the prices

Maddie:
These prices are so high I won't even be able to get afford a used horse [in a girly voice] And I'm like getting my license like this year

Mr. Moseby:
[looks at Esteban confused]

Esteban:
She's a valley forge girl.

[repeated line]

Zack Martin, Cody Martin, Carey, Mr. Moseby, London, Maddie:
WHAT!

Arwin:
Mother was giving me a pep talk from the side lines.

Cody Martin:
Whoa! Look at all the lights on that Christmas tree! There must be like a million bulbs!

Arwin:
Yeah! Buy 999,999, get one free.

[Mary and Joseph, two new guests at the Tipton, are about to have a baby]

Cody Martin:
Isn't this weird? Mary and Joseph are traveling together...

Zack Martin:
On Christmas Eve...

Maddie:
And there's no room for them in the inn...

Arwin:
And a child is born.

Esteban:
What a coincidence!

London:
I don't get it.

Arwin:
[singing after being ordered to burn furniture] Joy to the World \ Let's burn some chairs.

Joe:
Who is helping my wife give birth?

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, just a couple of twelve year old boys.

Carey Martin:
But don't worry one of them is really smart.

Kurt:
Yeah, and the other one watches alot of medical shows.

London:
Yeh M-A-T-E-E.

Cody Martin:
London drives?

Zack Martin:
Yeah, but not very fast. That's why it took us five hours to get here.

Carey:
[frantic] Mr. Moseby, Zach just left for the math camp.

Mr. Moseby:
Perfect, it's like falling in love twice!

Carey:
But it's worse than that. London's driving.

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, no.

Carey:
So how do we find them?

Mr. Moseby:
Simple. Look for the only car on the highway going in reverse.

Carey:
Esteban, have you seen Zack?

Esteban:
Zack? Zack who?

Carey:
Esteban, do you like nature films?

Esteban:
Oh, I love nature films.

Carey:
Did you ever seen the one in how the mother bear cares for her cubs?

Esteban:
London's driving him and Maddie to math camp. Please don't eat me!

Carey:
Moseby, Zack's gone to math camp.

Mr. Moseby:
Good. Now they're both gone. It's like falling in love twice.

Carey:
But it's worse than that. London's driving.

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, no!

Carey:
Oh, yes!

Mr. Moseby:
We'll find the only car on the highway going in reverse.

Tapeworm:
You know, I've got a calculator that runs on moonlight.

London:
Ooh. Let's go figure out how rich I am!

Carey:
Can you believe him? He actually criticized my driving, while HE was driving!

Mr. Moseby:
Now, are you familiar with the gear shift?

London:
You mean... the prindle?

Mr. Moseby:
The what?

London:
The PRINDLE!

Mr. Moseby:
Are you referring to the shift lever that says P-R-N-D-L?

London:
I'm not a child, Moseby, I know how to spell prindle.

Mr. Moseby:
It is not something you spell. It is a gear shift. The letters stand for: PARK, REVERSE, NEUTRAL, DRIVE and LOW!

London:
You're making me nervous with all this... technical talk!

Mr. Moseby:
Oh! I'm sorry. Why don't we just *relax* and turn on the *radio*? Would you like AHM OR FIM?

Mr. Moseby:
[Teaching London how to drive] Okay, lets start with the gearshift.

London:
You mean the PRNDL?

Zack Martin:
You're not going to tell, are you?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Well, only if you do it.

Zack Martin:
Grab her!

[London and Zack drag her away]

London:
[to Esteban] You saw nothing.

Esteban:
Okay. Have fun!

Warren:
I got the blonde.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
You'll get nothing and like it.

Warren:
Sassy.

Herman Spatz:
[to Cody] Who and what are you?

London:
[sings really badly] Cause bling is my favorite thing

London:
[crosses hands to form an "X"] But not talking zirconium

London:
I am going to sing and dance at the same time.

Herman Spatz:
And i'll try to watch and hold my lunch down at the Same time.

London:
Come and stay at the...

Mr. Moseby:
It's your name!

London:
Oh! Come and stay at the London!

Mr. Moseby:
Your last name!

Zack Martin:
This is great! This is our chance to get on TV!

Cody Martin:
Yeah, I always thought you'd be on TV. I just assumed you'd be in handcuffs.

Zack Martin:
You mean, as a magician?

Cody Martin:
[sarcastically] Yeah, that's it.

Herman Spatz:
Why on EARTH should I put you in my commercial?

London:
Because my daddy owns this hotel, and signs your checks.

Herman Spatz:
Brilliant! YOU are hired!

Herman Spatz:
[after Mr.Moesby preforms spectacularly] Please, tell me we got that on film!

Assistant #2:
I WOULD but I'd be lying! We wasted all the film on the air-head heiress!

Esteban:
Welcome to the Tipton!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Where everything is sweet!

Patrick:
Try joining us for dinner, may we offer you a seat?

Mr. Moseby:
[singing] Next time stay at the Tipton/The Tipton puts you on top/When you stay at the Tipton/The good times, they never stop

Esteban, Maddie Fitzpatrick, Patrick, Carey Martin, Arwin, Mr. Moseby:
[singing] Because you're the star when you travel far/The food is always gourmet/At the Tipton, at the Tipton/At the Tipton, it's your place to stay!

Mr. Moseby:
Check in!

Esteban:
Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez.

Mr. Moseby:
[to Ilsa] I thought I smelled a rat, but it turned out to be a mole.

Ilsa:
[confused] [German accent] What mole?

Mr. Moseby:
Do you *own* a mirror?

[about her forbidden boyfriend Todd]

London:
Wait, I want to give him something! Quick, what's romantical?

Maddie:
A lock of your hair.

London:
Great!

[gives Maddie her entire pony-tail of hair extensions]

[after being forbidden from seeing Todd]

Mr. Moseby:
Hey, you really like this boy, don't you?

London:
I would love him even if he were poor.

Mr. Moseby:
Really?

London:
[pauses to think about her answer] Yes.

Cody Martin:
Mr. Moseby! Mr. Moseby! It's a hideous monster, and it's coming this way!

Mr. Moseby:
Boys, I can assure you there are no such things as monsters.

Zack Martin:
Oh, yeah? Look!

Ilsa:
[enters lobby] I'm back.

[Zach, Cody, Mr. Moseby and Carey scream]

Carey:
Quick, get behind me, boys and don't look her in the mol... the eye!

[Mr. Moseby tries to hide, but ends up facing Ilsa]

Ilsa:
Mr. Moseby.

Mr. Moseby:
Ms. Schiklegoobermeyger.

Ilsa:
Actually, since you had me fired from the Tipton organization, I've gotten married.

Carey:
You're kidding.

Ilsa:
No. My married name is Ilsa Schiklegoobermeyger-Vanhelsingdekeppeloogerhoffer.

Carey:
You're kidding.

London:
Todd!

Todd St. Mark:
London!

Ilsa:
Todd!

Mr. Moseby:
London!

Maddie:
Maddie!

London:
What about the people with tperyodactilitus?

Todd St. Mark:
And when I do become a dentist, I will fix that overbite!

Maddie:
[gasping and covering her mouth] Some people think it's... [covering her overbite with her lip] cute. [walks away]

Maddie:
So you got everything you ever wanted?

London:
Uh huh.

Maddie:
Even on your birthday?

London:
Uh huh. And Hannauka.

Maddie:
But you're not Jewish.

London:
And miss the 8 days of presents. Tshh, not this chick.

Carey:
Cody, don't you have something to say to your brother?

Cody Martin:
I'm sorry I flicked flour in your face.

Carey:
Zack?

Zack Martin:
I'm sorry you're my brother.

London:
[about Todd] I'd love him even if he were poor.

Mr. Moseby:
Really?

London:
[beat] Yeah.

London:
Maddie... that Romeo and Juliet book has a happy ending, right?

Maddie:
Uh... yeah! [London walks away; Maddie shakes her head and mouths "no"]

London:
[London is walking down the staircase, looking at herself in the mirror, until she loses concentration and bumps into a tall, dark and handsome guy] Hey! Would you watch where you're going? [he picks up her mirror and gazes into his eyes romantically]

Todd St. Mark:
I am so sorry.

London:
No, no, it was my fault.

Todd St. Mark:
[looking at London's shiny white teeth] Forgive me for staring, but, your teeth! [London smiles at him] They're like perfect little pearls!

London:
Oh, thanks. You're kinda cute yourself... for a dentist.

Todd St. Mark:
I wish! My dream is to attend the Zurich Dental Institute, and make the world safe from chronic periodontitis.

London:
[smiles and gazes at him romantically, not paying attention to what he said] I don't know what you just said, but it sounds so... [sighs] medical!

Ilsa:
[marching over to Moseby's front desk] Moseby! Yeah, I just wanted to see if the Japanese ambassador had checked in yet. Oh wait, he couldn't have! Because he's staying at the St. Mark!

Mr. Moseby:
[gasps] That's impossible! He *always* stays here at the Tipton!

Ilsa:
Well it seems he heard you were having a problem with cockerlockers. That's German for [yelling out loud in front of guests] COCKROACHES! [stamps foot trying to squash them]

Mr. Moseby:
Well he must've heard *that* lie from the head cockerlocker herself!

Todd St. Mark:
[sees Ilsa, gasps and hides] It's Ilsa!

London:
You know her?

Todd St. Mark:
Yeah, he runs my dad's hotel across the street. If he finds out I'm here, I'll be in *big* trouble!

London:
*You're* Todd St. Mark? *I'm* London Tipton! My dad hates *your* dad!

Todd St. Mark:
My dad hates *your* dad!

London:
We have so much in common! [giggles]

Ilsa:
Todd! [spots Todd hiding behind London] Ooh, good hiding place. It was so hard to see you behind the 4-foot Cupie doll! You know your father doesn't approve of your dental dream. Or this *Tipton*! It is verboten! Come with me! Mach Schnell!

Todd St. Mark:
But...

Ilsa:
Dut, dut, dut! [leading Todd to a military march] Left, left, [Todd looks at London] Don't look back! Left, left, left!

Agnes:
This is so romantic. Do you like it when I feed you?

Cody Martin:
Yes. Although, I could feed myself if you untied me.

Agnes:
But if I untied you, you might try to run away again.

Cody Martin:
No I wouldn't. And it's not because you nailed my feet to the floor, which by the way, is taking most of the enjoyment out of this tasty mac and cheese.

Agnes:
Let me pull those nails right out!

Cody Martin:
AAAARRGGGHHH!

Cody Martin:
[Wakes up from his nightmare] Man! I just had the scariest dream in the history of scary dreams.

Agnes:
What was it about, honey?

Cody Martin:
AAGGHH!

Zack Martin:
Hey, guys.

Cody Martin:
How'd she get in here?

Zack Martin:
I let her in.

Cody Martin:
Why?

Zack Martin:
[Shrugs] Kicks. By the way, you'd better get dressed. Your wedding's in 10 minutes!

Cody Martin:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wedding?

Agnes:
[Suddenly appearing in a wedding dress] Hi, hubby-wubby!

Carey:
[Showing Cody his wedding tux] Told ya it'd all work out!

Cody Martin:
[Wakes up from nightmare] AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

Zack Martin:
Man, I've been watching you scream for 10 minutes.

Cody Martin:
Why didn't you wake me?

Zack Martin:
There was nothing on TV.

Zack Martin:
Maybe she'll have a lousy time on your date. You are as boring as a stick. Actually, you could play with a stick

Cody Martin:
Thanks for trying to cheer me up. But I'm a goner. Nothing I do bothers her.

Zack Martin:
That's because you're too nice do something to gross her out. Sneeze on her, pick some eye boogers, braid your nose hairs.

Cody Martin:
Eww! That's gross!

Zack Martin:
That's the point!

Agnes:
Where'd he go?

Cody Martin:
Nothing you can do will make me tell.

Agnes:
Five bucks.

Cody Martin:
Soccer practice.

[On Cody's girlfriend, Agnes]

Carey:
She's a keeper.

Zack Martin:
Yeah, in the basement.

Agnes:
Excuse me. Could you play the violin when my date arrives?

Maitre'd:
[Sarcastically] Of course. Then I'll ride a unicycle and juggle some bananas.

Agnes:
Could you?

Maitre'd:
[to himself] Could this evening get any worse?

Zack Martin:
Yo, dude!

Maitre'd:
Apparently, it can.

Lord Corcoran:
Oh, and on Mumsy's side, I had a Great-Great Uncle who's human was the Duke of Windsor.

Ivana:
He may be a Windsor, but you are a loser.

Agnes:
Do you like it when I feed you?

Cody Martin:
Yes. But I could feed myself if you untied me.

Agnes:
You're MY little rebel.

Zack Martin:
[whimpers] But, you like Cody!

Mr. Moseby:
Please don't tell me you've lost your dog in my hotel.

Maddie:
No! We're just playing hide and seek... and he's winning!

Esteban:
Oh, he's very good. Marco!

[puts his hand over his mouth]

Esteban:
Puayo!

Mr. Moseby:
First of all, that's not hide and seek. Secondly, you don't answer yourself, and thirdly it's "Polo!" Find that dog, and remove him from the premises, or I will remove both of you permanently!

[Moseby walks away, Maddie approaches Esteban]

Maddie:
PUAYO?

London:
In 30 minutes, Ivana's picture will be floating all over Boston.

Maddie:
What about Scamp?

London:
Get your own blimp!

Cody Martin:
Welcome to planet Whoooooo!

[Maddie got caught sneaking her dog into work]

Mr. Moseby:
Now Madeline, we have strict rules about dogs in this hotel.

Maddie:
But, Ivana gets to stay in the hotel with London.

Mr. Moseby:
She's a Tipton.

Maddie:
But my house is being fumigated and Scamp has nowhere to go.

[baby talk]

Maddie:
Please? Wook at his wittle face.

[Maddie, Scamp, and Esteban give him puppy dog pouts]

Mr. Moseby:
Very well, but I don't want my rug soiled. That goes for all of you.

Agnes:
Shh, don't speak!

[puts a finger on Zacks lips]

Agnes:
Your eyes speak for you!

Zack Martin:
I wish they'd shut up!

Maddie:
We're going to be in-laws!

London:
Noooooooo!

Agnes:
That popping noise you hear? Yeah! That's my shoulder!

Cody Martin:
Agnes, what Zack is trying to say is, you came on a little strong.

Zack Martin:
No, what Zack is trying to say is...

[opens door]

Zack Martin:
...leave.

Zack Martin:
You gotta stop being such a pushover. Now go do my homework like you promised.

Cody Martin:
Okay... but you're only getting a B.

Zack Martin:
Yes! My first B!

[Esteban, Maddie are playing with puppies]

Esteban:
I'm going to name my puppy... Maria Consuelo Margurito Francesca de Ciello

Maddie:
I think I'll name this one Scruffy.

London:
You call those names? Prince Percival Persimmon Du Loc. Now that's a name.

Maddie:
Sure, if you want him to get beat up at the dog park.

[last lines]

Mr. Moseby:
What part of 'no dogs in the lobby' don't you understand? Now, whoever's father doesn't own this hotel is fired.

[Maddie hands him a puppy]

Mr. Moseby:
Aww, wook at the wittle faces.

[watching Ivana and Lord Corcoran have dinner]

London:
I smell puppies!

Patrick:
Whatever you're smelling, I'm not picking it up.

Cody Martin:
I'd like you to know that unlike you, I'm not enjoying your pain. Oh, hi, Agnes.

Zack Martin:
Very funny, but that won't work.

Agnes:
[Comes up behind Zack] Hi, Zack.

Zack Martin:
ARGH!

Cody Martin:
OK, now I'm enjoying it!

Ivana:
I don't know about you, but I smell wedding bells.

Maddie:
Well, this ought to bring mommy down. Now we'll be in-laws!

London:
Noooooo!

Esteban:
Does he know any tricks?

Maddie:
Tons. Here's his best one. [to Scamp] Mr Moseby's coming! hide! [Scamp runs]

Esteban:
Oh, I know that one! But he always finds me.

Agnes:
[after discovering Zack is impersonating Cody on their date] You're not my Codikins! I don't like to be fooled... Zack.

Zack Martin:
But I...

Agnes:
I know what's going on.

Zack Martin:
You do?

Agnes:
Yeah. You want me for yourself.

Zack Martin:
Whoa, there, girl! I hawked on your food, I pulled pasta out of my nose.

Agnes:
And strangely, I loved it. And you.

Zack Martin:
[Whimpers] But you love Cody!

Agnes:
I know. But you are exciting and unpredictable. You're my little rebel. Agnes likes!

Zack Martin:
But...

Agnes:
Shh! Don't speak! Your eyes speak for you.

Zack Martin:
I wish they'd shut up!

Mr. Moseby:
Mr Ambassador, I'm sure you'll love everything in our Imperial suite. It has four bathrooms, three bedrooms and [shocked after seeing Scamp and Ivana] two dogs making kissy-face on the couch?

Scamp Fitzpatrick:
Hey, do we walk in on you when we... OK, we do.

Carey:
Agnes tells me you guys have a date tomorrow.

Cody Martin:
We don't have a date.

Carey:
OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What do you call it when one friend goes out to dinner with another friend?

Zack Martin:
Creepy beyond belief.

Carey:
Don't be jealous, Zack. You'll have a special friend some day, too.

Zack Martin:
Yeah, hopefully, my friend won't be from Planet Whoo!

Carey:
Cody, your little girlfriend is so sweet.

Cody Martin:
My girlfriend?

Carey:
Oh, I get it. OK. Your friend that just happens to be a girl. [to Agnes] Boys!

London:
Snookums, say hi to Lord Corcoran.

Ivana:
How do you do?

Lord Corcoran:
Oh, fabulous. I just won the English Kennel Club's best in show.

Ivana:
Who came in second place? A cat?

London:
I think they like each other.

Ivana:
You also think one and one is four.

Cody Martin:
Our children will be Agnes Jr and Cody Jr. Our dog's name is Agnody. [Pulls Agnes to him] Right, honey bear?

Zack Martin:
[Pulls Agnes to him] She's not your honey bear, she's my sugar muffin!

Cody Martin:
[Pulls Agnes to him] Tell him you're mine, cutie-patootie!

Zack Martin:
[Pulls Agnes to him] No one tells my rosie posie what to do!

Agnes:
That popping noise you hear? Yeah, that was my shoulder.

Cody Martin:
Oh, I'm sorry. Let me rub that for you, sweetie tweetie.

Zack Martin:
[Pulls Agnes to him] No one touches my lovey bunny but me!

Cody Martin:
Oh, yeah?

Cody Martin:
Yeah!

Agnes:
You know, I've never had two guys fight over me before. Agnes likes!

Carey:
Time to do your homework.

Cody Martin:
I already did mine.

Zack Martin:
You disgust me.

Carey:
Look, tell me he's okay and he doesn't have any tattoos.

Kurt:
He's okay. And it says "Mom."

[Kurt and Zack chuckle]

Kurt:
Oh, come on. Have a sense of humor.

Carey:
I married you, didn't I?

Kurt:
Oh, yeah. There it is.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Ok, what's first?

London Tipton:
Ok, first off, that outfit, horrible.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Two.

London Tipton:
Your hair...

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Three!

London Tipton:
Ok, show me how many push-ups you can do.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Ok.

[struggles to get up]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Grrrrrr.

London Tipton:
Ok. That was the push. Later we'll work on the up.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Can we go back to my hair?

London Tipton:
Yes. It's as weak and brittle as you.

Kurt:
Look, I know you're mad.

Carey:
Oh, I'm not mad. I was mad when you sold our to buy a new guitar. I was mad when you brought home the wrong twins from the school playground.

Kurt:
It was an honest mistake.

Carey:
They were girls!

Cody Martin:
[grabbing the other walkie-talkie] We are dealing with an evil genius.

Maddie:
Hmm, what's this?

[picks up a rose with a card attached]

Maddie:
"To Maddie, you make me wish I was a better person. Love, Randall."

[pauses]

Maddie:
Aww, that is so sweet.

Zack Martin:
I can't believe I'm losing you to a younger man!

Esteban:
Rock a bye chicken in the tree top. Watch out for the farmer. Your head he will chop.

Zack Martin:
You'll be surprised to see how this father to be has corralled these young suckers.

[they turn the corner to see Cody bound and gagged]

Maddie:
[taking the gag off Cody] How could you let this happen?

Cody Martin:
Well, the blonde one tripped me and the rest is a blur.

Johnny:
Do you like coloring?

Cody Martin:
I sure do, little one! In the first grade, I won a free ice cream sundae for my work on the "Enchanted Pony Island Coloring Book"!

Johnny:
You're weird.

Zack Martin:
He's got you pegged.

[boy kicks Cody's shin]

Cody Martin:
Ow! Little boy, don't you know it's not nice to kick people in the shin?

[boy steps on his foot]

Cody Martin:
Ow! Look, Kid, I know Santa, and someone just made the Naughty List!

Johnny:
I'm Jewish.

Cody Martin:
[referring to Zack] Everone has more armpit hair than him

Zack Martin:
They're blonde and hard to see!

Randall:
Yeah, all two of them! [he and Cody laugh]

London:
Moseby, I'm not going to let you stop. Like you didn't let me stop when you were teaching me the Alphabet.

Mr. Moseby:
But that took 14 years!

London:
And now I know my ABD's.

Emily:
I want my dolly!

Esteban:
Okay, okay. Is this your dolly?

Emily:
No.

Esteban:
Is this your dolly?

Emily:
No.

Esteban:
Is THIS your dolly? Please say yes.

Emily:
Um... no!

Esteban:
Okay, were was the last time you saw your dolly?

Emily:
At the park... last summer.

Randall:
I bet I have more armpit hair than you!

Cody Martin:
Everybody has more armpit hair than Zack.

Zack Martin:
They're blonde, and hard to see!

Randall:
Yeah, all two of 'em!

Zack Martin:
Did I ever tell you how pretty you looked when you're angry?

Maddie:
Well I must look gorgeous right now because I'm furious!

Cody Martin:
Zack, don't just stand there! Do something!

Emily:
[to Zack] You're not my mommy! I want my mommy!

Zack Martin:
Cody, I think she wants you.

Esteban:
I can't leave little people with little-er people!

Maddie:
Hey, Esteban! Cute baby.

Esteban:
Thanks.

Maddie:
Where are the little kids! I put you in charge!

Esteban:
But Mr. Moseby put me in charge of everything else. Don't worry. Zack and Cody have everything under control.

Zack Martin:
[Randall rides the luggage cart while Zack chases after him] Get back here, young man!

Randall:
Not gonna happen, old man!

Randall:
[rides past Maddie] I'll be back for you, my love!

Esteban:
Where are the little-er people?

Zack Martin:
We're playing hide-and-seek.

Cody Martin:
And we lose.

Zack Martin:
What do you mean?

Cody Martin:
They're gone!

Zack Martin:
Don't worry, Esteban. Taking care of kids is easy.

Randall:
[to Zack] I'm bored.

Zack Martin:
Good, then go to sleep.

Maddie:
[to Zack and Cody] If you're going to help, don't act like children in front of the children!

Maddie:
I'm sorry, Mr. Moseby, but I had to leave for a family emergency, and I had to leave Esteban in charge.

Esteban:
And I had to take care of everything you put me in charge for, so I had to leave Zack and Cody in charge.

Zack Martin:
Which means this is clearly your fault, Mr. Moseby.

Cody Martin:
But rest assure, we forgive you.

Mr. Moseby:
[takes a soda can from Cody] You can't touch that man's can, and why are you dragging that bag through my lobby? [Cody puts the garbage bag down and it breaks] Oh, what else could go wrong today? [a woman falls on the garbage] Well, that answers that.

Zack Martin:
Hey, Maddie, I'm recycling. You know why? Because I love this planet almost as much as I love you.

Maddie:
[rubs Zack's hair] Good for you.

Zack Martin:
She wants me.

Randall:
My parents paid good money for me to have fun, and guess what?

Zack Martin:
You want to give me a tip?

Randall:
Sure. You should do something about your disproportionate head.

Zack Martin:
It was a bad haircut!

Randall:
I want to ride in the air vents.

Zack Martin:
You're not ready for that.

Randall:
Surfing on the luggage cart?

Zack Martin:
Overrated.

Randall:
Fishing in the restaurant aquarium?

Zack Martin:
No... hmm, interesting.

Zack Martin:
[to Cody while he's holding a baby] You're good at this. How'd you figure out that rock and bounce technique?

Cody Martin:
It's not a technique. I just really have to go to the bathroom.

Maddie:
[to Emily] Now, Emily, I don't care what your teddy told you to do, but it's not nice to stick crayons down someone's back.

Zack Martin:
[holds a teddy bear around the corner; talks as the bear] Hi, there, Emily!

Emily:
[looks at the bear] Teddy?

Zack Martin:
[puts a black market to the bear's face] Come quietly or the bear gets a mustache.

Emily:
No! [runs to the bear, but gets caught by Zack] I hate you.

Zack Martin:
Get in line.

Randall:
[while asleep] Maddie... must destroy Zack!

Zack Martin:
That kid should be locked up somewhere.

Zack Martin:
Mr. Moseby, you just don't know what it's like to deal with kids.

Cody Martin:
They don't listen to you, they have no respect for authority, they run all over the lobby like maniacs...

Mr. Moseby:
Welcome to my world.

Zack Martin:
[over the walkie-talkie to Cody] Papa Bear to Mama Bear.

Cody Martin:
[to Zack over the walkie-talkie] Why do I have to be Mama Bear?

Zack Martin:
[to Cody over the walkie-talkie] Fine. Papa Bear to Goldilocks. [two little kids laugh]

Cody Martin:
[to Zack over the walkie-talkie] I hate you.

Tia:
[during yoga class] Let's start with a Bhastrika breathing technique.

London:
[laughs] Where'd you get that? The back of a cereal box? [laughs again]

Tia:
Excuse me?

London:
Well, it's just when I was taught yoga, the right way, we always began with a Bhramari breathing technique.

Tia:
I'll have you know I have been teaching yoga for twenty years.

London:
[coughs] Badly!

London:
[during yoga class] Could I make a suggestion?

Tia:
If it's another comment about my split ends, I would prefer you didn't.

London:
It's not. It's about your lousy yoga technique and your split ends.

Tia:
Before I taught yoga, I was a female Golden Glove champion.

London:
So what? All my gloves are golden.

Tia:
I'm trying to teach a class here!

London:
You're trying, but not succeeding.

Randall:
Maddie, I hurt my finger again. Can you kiss it?

Maddie:
Randall, I've already kissed it five times.

Randall:
I think I cut my lips.

Maddie:
Nice try.

Randall:
[to Johnny] She wants me.

Carey Martin:
[punishing Zack and Cody] I am so steamed right now, that if I were a mirror, you wouldn't see yourself!

Mr. Moseby:
[after hearing Carey grounding Zack and Cody] Might I suggest 20 years on an island with boy-eating birds?

Carey Martin:
You might. Odd, but you might.

Carey Martin:
Apparently in your room, there's too much fun. This time, you're grounded in the living room.

Zack Martin:
OK. [switches on TV]

Carey Martin:
And no TV. [takes remote off Zack and switches TV off]

Zack Martin:
Oh, man!

Cody Martin:
Zack, we don't need TV or video games to entertain ourselves.

Carey Martin:
And no cooking.

Cody Martin:
Oh, man!

Zack Martin:
How did I miss The Cheetah Girls?

Cody Martin:
You were tackling that flower maid.

Zack Martin:
For a seven-year-old, she was tough. She had a mean left hook!

London Tipton:
I didn't really put you in my will.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[gasps] But you said you...

London Tipton:
I lied. I needed a way to get you up here.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
What's wrong with "Maddie, get up here?"

London Tipton:
Oh, right. I forgot about that. Sorry.

Mr. Moseby:
I don't know what hurt more - this little bride that jabbed me in the kidneys or the real one that kicked me in the shins!

London Tipton:
So do you enjoy living in the vast forest in the Great Northwest?

Chris Brown:
I live in a loft in New York.

London Tipton:
Interesting, interesting. How difficult is it to find shoes with such big feet?

Chris Brown:
I only wear size 11.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
London, those are the questions for Bigfoot.

Chris Brown:
[in excitement] Bigfoot's on the show?

Cody Martin:
You know, it's funny, we've been crawling around in these vents for years without any problems and these things are only meant to carry air.

Zack Martin:
And we're bigger than we used to be.

Cody Martin:
And if you think about it, I'm amazed that these things can hold us up.

Zack Martin:
Well, chalk it up to good old American craftsmanship.

[Vent creaks]

Cody Martin, Zack Martin:
Uh-oh!

Mr. Moseby:
I have often said that you that you are a terrible mother.

Carey Martin:
You have?

Mr. Moseby:
[pause] Maybe to other people.

Carey Martin:
I am so sick of this constant cycle of breaking the rules, getting grounded, sneaking out, getting grounded, breaking the rules...

Zack Martin:
Well, maybe you can break the cycle this time by not grounding us.

Carey Martin:
[to Zack and Cody] That is it! You are beyond grounded. The next time you see sunlight - no, oh, actually, no! You're never going to see sunlight again! Because by the time your punishment is over, the sun will have burnt out, collapsed into a black hole and the last remnants of mankind will be living on a rusty little spaceship as the cold silence of space slowly drives them mad!

Chris Brown:
I think she's halfway there!

Carey Martin:
No laughing in the big house.

Zack Martin:
Um, do I get a last meal?

Carey Martin:
Yes, and I'm cooking it.

Zack Martin:
Aren't I being punished enough?

Bob:
Remember: a vote for Bob is a vote for Bob.

Cody Martin:
Just promise me no one will get hurt

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I can't make that promise

Cody Martin:
Oddly, I'm okay with that

Cody Martin:
I have your hair and your smile!

Zack Martin:
Yeah, but on me, it works!

Cody Martin:
Mom agrees with me!

Zack Martin:
Mom's on my side now! [in a little kid's voice] Right, Mommy?

Carey:
Aw, I'm on both of your sides.

Zack Martin:
That's a cop out!

Carey:
Yes it is. Have some cake.

Cody Martin:
[talking about a school election] I thought you were voting for me!

Max:
I was... but Zack promised I could be an ambassador.

Cody Martin:
An ambassador to what?

Max:
Who cares? I get a jacket!

[Chef Paolo tries to protect his cake from London and Maddie's dueling]

Chef Paolo:
Hey, surfer dudes!

Maddie Fitzpatrick, London Tipton:
Where?

[while they're distracted, Chef Paolo moves his cake]

Mr. Moseby:
Esteban I need you.

Esteban:
When I am good and ready!

Mr. Moseby:
What did you say?

Esteban:
Now I am good and ready!

Maddie:
London, money can't buy you friends. You make friends by being nice to people.

London:
But that seems harder.

Maddie:
No, no, no, no. It's really easy to say nice things to people. Watch. London, you are, uh...

London:
Yes?

Maddie:
This is hard. Oh, wait, got one. Deep down, I suspect you're a good person.

London:
Aww, thank you.

Maddie:
Uh, you're supposed to say something nice back.

London:
Well, I said thank you.

Maddie:
You're welcome.

Max:
Zack, would you like to be my partner?

Zack Martin:
Sure. I'd love to be on TV, and I also have the face for it.

Cody Martin:
I have the same face!

Zack Martin:
Yeah, but your face can't dance.

Cody Martin:
Hey, Max!

Max:
Hey, Cody! Where's Zack?

Zack Martin:
I'm Zack! Hey, there, sweet thang!

Max:
He hurt himself, didn't he?

Cody Martin:
Yep.

Cody Martin:
I call it trip-hop.

Max:
I call it last place!

Mr. Moseby:
[the twins and Max are playing basketball in the lobby] No B-Ball today. Game has been cancelled on account of "This-is-a-hotel".

Esteban:
[claps] That was wonderful! It is amazing how your lips and his move at the same time!

Cody Martin:
That's not supposed to happen.

Esteban:
Oh, well, in that case, you're no good. I am off.

Esteban:
Maddie, London is treating you like a dog.

Maddie:
Oh, I wish! No, her dog's upstairs in the hot tub. Which reminds me, I have to give it a massage.

Esteban:
I can't believe she's making you give her Schitzu a shiatsu!

Mr. Moseby:
[see Maddie's massaging London] What's going on with them?

Esteban:
Well, I do not think I just talk about Maddie personal business with her employer, sir.

Mr. Moseby:
Don't tell me. [puts doll on the counter] Tell the dummy

Esteban:
[talk to the dummy] Can you keep a secret?

Mr. Moseby:
[as the dummy] My lips are sealed.

Esteban:
Good.

London:
But we were having so much fun.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
You were having fun, I was watching you have fun.

London:
But what could be more fun?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Hmm, root canal you don't need?

Zack Martin:
Mom! We're gonna be on TV!

Carey Martin:
[worriedly] Oh, boy. What did you set on fire?

Cody Martin:
[after a dance move gone bad] I call it trip-hop.

Max:
I call it last place!

London:
[about Corrie, who seems to be obsessed with London] She scares me!

Corrie:
I can't believe London Tipton is in our English class!

London:
[pulls Maddie up to show Moseby the school uniform] You mean I have to wear plaid three times a week?

Mr. Moseby:
School is five days a week.

Mr. Moseby:
[both London and Maddie burst into tears] Glad to see your bonding.

[after damaging a wall]

Cody Martin:
Oh, no. What's Mr. Moseby going to say?

Mr. Moseby:
Well, I don't know. Let's ask him.

London:
Somebody's in trouble!

Corrie:
[Mimics London] Yeah Somebody's in trouble

Sister Dominick:
Actually, two somebody's!

London:
Who who? The creepy weird girl

Corrie:
[Corrie throws London a shocked look]

Sister Dominick:
No, the spoiled hotel heiress!

London:
Is Paris Hilton in this class?

Sister Dominick:
No, I'm talking about you. You and your friend Maddie just bought yourselves two hours of detention

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
But I've never gotten a detention in my entire life?

London:
Me either!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
That's because you never go to school!

London:
And now you know why! Thanks to you, Mary-Margaret and I can't go to the fashion show. I hate you

Mary-Margaret:
You were gonna take me?

London:
Yeah

Mary-Margaret:
I hate you too!

London:
[after Maddie throws a crumpled-up piece of paper at Sister Dominic] Ooh, somebody's in trouble!

Sister Dominick:
No, TWO somebodies are in trouble.

London:
Oh! Who? [points to Corrie] The creepy, weird girl?

Sister Dominick:
No, the rich, spoiled hotel heiress.

London:
Is Paris Hilton in this class?

Zack Martin:
The red-headed goalie is mine. Keep your eyes off her

Cody Martin:
You can have have her. I like the mid-fielder who's reading. Would you read cody-wody a bedtime story? I knew that you would

Zack Martin:
Times up Bob. Please come again

Bob:
Okay, Well I did find out that the blonde likes boys who are honest, sincere, and trustworthy.

Zack Martin:
Great, if you ever date her, be sure to tell her that you first spotted her through a hole in the walll

Bob:
Maybe I'll leave that part out

Corrie:
London Tipton's undercover!

London:
London Tipton's gonna smack you silly if you don't shut up!

Corrie:
I love this one!

Mary-Margaret:
It's gibberish

Corrie:
Wait, I thought it was Finnish?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I promised Sister Dominic, Mr. Moesby, and God, that I would look after you, and right now I'm not sure who I'm more scared of!

Mary-Margaret:
You're supposed to be in detention!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I think I'm going to a much worst place

Mary-Margaret:
I'll pray for you

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Now I'm not even going to get into Big Al's Beauty School

London:
Not with that hair!

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, Pish Posh you people were peeping!

London:
Shamen ona yugen [making the shame sign with er fingers]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
You're a painen in my flugen! [walking away agrily]

London:
Casafrugen, Boston?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Ishelsnikker yummy, yummy!

[rubbing her stomach]

London:
Lots of cute boys!

[the group of nuns gasp in astonishment]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Your a painen in my flugen [walks away angrily]

London:
Love you too!

Soccer Player #1:
You know what I really like? When a boy strokes my hair

Soccer Player #2:
Yeah, and I really love a foot rub.

Bob:
Whoa, this is getting good!

Cody Martin:
Is somebody writing this stuff down?

Zack Martin:
[Has spent a few seconds writing on wall above the peephole he is using] Got it.

Soccer Player #1:
You know what really makes me melt? A good poke in the eye! [Zack, Cody, Bob and Warren are all poked in the eye]

London:
This is where you eat? Where are the tablecloths, the candles, the string quartet?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
You had a string quartet at your school?

London:
For breakfast. At lunch, it was the Philharmonic.

London:
Listen, Sister Dominick, it wasn't Maddie's fault. I was the one who escape from detention and make us put on the ugly dresses that you wear. [Sister Dominick give London a mad look] No offense! Maddie did her best to get me back inside so I wouldn't get any more trouble. So, don't blame her, blame me.

Bob:
Hey guys, we've got to get to the park. The ice cream hit a tree and there's ice cream everywhere!

Zack Martin:
Who cares? I hit the wall and it's raining girls in there.

Cody Martin:
We are unravelling the mystery that is woman.

Bob:
So you're peeping.

Cody Martin:
For science.

Bob:
I love science. That's my favorite subject.

Carey Martin:
I thought I taught you to have more respect towards women.

Zack Martin:
You did! But those weekends with Dad...

Carey Martin:
Enough!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[to Zeke] Open the door!

Zeke:
I'm too big a loser to open the door.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
That doesn't even make sense.

Zeke:
I'm too big a loser to make sense.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Oh shut up!

Zeke:
I'm too big a loser to... [Maddie slams the door, scaring Zeke and makes him pull down the window cover]

London:
This is just like prison! But the outfits are worse!

Carey Martin:
You're gonna write those girls an apology and an essay on why peeping is wrong. 500 words each.

Zack Martin:
500 words? Couldn't you just ground us?

Carey Martin:
1,000.

Zack Martin:
1,000?

Carey Martin:
2,000. You wanna go for 3?

Cody Martin:
Quit while we're behind. You don't even know 3,000 words.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
London, think. The show is in New York, which is over an hour away, even by private jet.

London:
Ah, you forget the time change.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
There's no time difference between Boston and New York.

London:
Really? No wonder I'm always late.

London:
Look, sis, um, can I get that assignment thingy to you another day?

Sister Dominick:
Sure, Lon. Any day in particular you had in mind?

London:
[checks her electronic organizer] Friday won't work because I have yoga, and already on Monday. Can I have my people get back to your people?

Sister Dominick:
[points up] My people are hard to reach. It's a long distance call.

London:
[to Maddie] Thanks to you, Mary Margaret and I can't go to the fashion show. I hate you!

Mary-Margaret:
You were gonna take me?

London:
Yeah.

Mary-Margaret:
[to Maddie] I hate you, too!

London:
[to Maddie] What are you doing?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Homework.

London:
There was school today? I thought it was a long weekend.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
It's Wednesday.

London:
Oh, so it's almost the weekend again. Well, no point in going now.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Hey, guys, I'd like you to meet...

Corrie:
London Tipton! I can't believe London Tipton's in our cafeteria!

London:
Me neither.

Corrie:
I just met London Tipton!

Mary-Margaret:
I met her months ago. Believe me, the thrill wears off.

London:
Oh, well, then I guess I'm not inviting you to the Bandini Fashion Show today.

Mary-Margaret:
The thrill is back! Wanna be best friends? [London nods]

London:
[gasps] I made a friend at prison!

London:
Oh, table for two. Something with a view, please.

Sister Dominick:
Certainly. Why don't you sit at table one It has a lovely view of table two.

London:
Oh, I understand. [winks at Maddie; gives Sister Dominick some money]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Sorry, Sister. Please excuse my friend. She's new here and doesn't get it.

Sister Dominick:
Well, I'm making it your responsibility to make sure she does get it. Got it?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Got it! [to London] Got it?

London:
Got it! What'd I get?

Arwin:
All right, guys, in order to properly re-plaster this wall, ironically, we must first make this hole slightly bigger.

Zack Martin:
All right! [hits the wall with hammer]

Arwin:
Not that big! We're going to need more plaster. Luckily, Mother got me some for Christmas.

Cody Martin:
What'd she get you for your birthday, grout? [laughs]

Arwin:
No, spackle.

Sister Dominick:
Ms. Tipton, you have a comment?

London:
Yes. You know, about that assignment thingy?

Sister Dominick:
Yes?

London:
It doesn't work for me.

Sister Dominick:
Oh. Do you have other plans?

London:
As a matter of fact, I do.

Sister Dominick:
Well, what works for you?

London:
[to Maddie] Look how reasonable she is. I don't know why you keep saying these nuns are so mean.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Sister, I never said that. I said how much you... mean to me.

London:
That's not what you said.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Shut up!

Sister Dominick:
We don't say shut up.

London:
Somebody just did.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
But I've never gotten detention in my entire life!

London:
Neither have I!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
That's because you never go to school!

London:
And now you know why.

Zeke:
The name is Zeke. First time in detention?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I've never even gotten a "B" before.

London, Zeke:
Me neither.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
And now I'm stuck in here with a bunch of losers!

London:
[to Zeke] What are you in for?

Zeke:
[looks at Maddie] I hit a kid who called me a loser.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Sister, save me!

Mr. Moseby:
London, I have a message from your father. He is outraged your poor attendance record at school.

London:
How'd he find out?

Mr. Moseby:
He went to your school open house, and they've never heard of you.

Cody Martin:
Aw, Tippy!

Zack Martin:
That wasn't Tippy.

[Zack & Cody were mistaken for Orphan by a hotel patron]

Carey:
Are you talking about my sons?

Zack Martin:
Mom? I can't believe we finally found you!

Cody Martin:
Which way do you think he went?

Zack Martin:
I'd say standing up.

[London realizes she has designer clothes specifically for dumpster-diving]

Carey:
Must be nice being rich.

London Tipton:
You should try it.

Esteban:
No one assaults a woman by Esteban Julio Ricardo Mon...

Maddie:
No, we don't have enough time for your whole name!

Cody Martin:
I'm going to go speak the language of love with MY girlfriend.

Zack Martin:
[sarcastically] Darn you, DARN YOU TO HECK!

Jolie:
Bye, Cody! See you, er, yesterday!

Cody Martin:
'Yesterday'. She means 'tomorrow'. Isn't that the cutest thing?

Carey Martin:
So I take it you like this French girl too?

Cody Martin:
Le duh!

Zack Martin:
Hey beautiful. You know I don't always smell like this. Unless you like it

Zack Martin:
Hey, hot babe.

Jolie:
Je ne comprende pas, je suis d?sol?.

Zack Martin:
Oh, that's a cool name. D?sol?!

Mr. Moseby:
No, Zack, "d?sol?" means "sorry". She can't understand you. And her name is Jolie.

Zack Martin:
Oh, okay.

Cody Martin:
So, how do I look? And be brutal.

Zack Martin:
Like a backstabbing French girl stealing jerk in a goofy sweater vest.

Cody Martin:
You really think it's goofy?

Jolie:
[in French] Papa, Cody m'a demander de sortir avec lui demain soir. P'ui j'aller? [Daddy, Cody asked me out for a date with him tomorrow night. Can I go? ]

Maurice Fruggard:
A date? You will need a chaperone!

Mr. Moseby:
I completely agree.

Maurice Fruggard:
Good. So you'll do it!

Mr. Moseby:
Say what?

Maurice Fruggard:
Say yes, or we're checking out.

[Maddie comes in carrying a bunch of boxes]

Maddie:
Can someone maybe give me a hand?

London:
I don't see anyone else in here.

Zack Martin:
Woaw! How did you do that?

Cody Martin:
Easy I think of a happy place and concentrate on it.

Zack Martin:
Well where's your happy place?

Cody Martin:
Can't say, you might show up

Cody Martin:
So Arwin... you think of your happy place yet?

Arwin:
Well first it was a tropical cruise with mother... then a storm came and the waves knocked mother of her chair and she was thrown inot the sea as I yelled "mother throw me the house keys!"

Zack Martin:
okay...

Cody Martin:
So, Arwin, have you thought of your happy place yet?

Arwin:
Well, at first, it was me and Mother on a tropical cruise. But then a storm hit and her wheelchair rolled off the side and I was screaming, "MOTHER! THROW ME THE HOUSE KEYS!"

Zack Martin:
Okay...

Arwin:
[panting]

Zack Martin:
How about a nice cookie?

Arwin:
Oh, yeah. [stares toward the ceiling with a dreamy expression on his face]

London:
So, Maddie, have we sold anything yet?

Maddie:
Yes, four items.

London:
That's not bad.

Maddie:
Considering you bought them and used your 100% employee discount on ALL of them... it ain't good!

London:
Ugh, this store is a total failure. What are you doing wrong, Maddie?

Maddie:
Working for you!

London:
Hey, Maddie? Why don't you come work for me here? You know, and do all of that business stuff for me?

Maddie:
Sorry, I already have a job.

Mr. Moseby:
Which you're not doing right now.

Maddie:
[starts to walk away]

London:
I'll pay you double!

Maddie:
[turns back to London] And now I have a new job! [turns to Mr. Moseby] Sorry, Mr. Moseby. I'm moving on to bigger and better things. Bet you're gonna regret giving me that raise now.

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, no! Where am I going to find another teenager looking for employment at a five-star hotel? I know! I'll just yell out the door.

Mr. Moseby:
London, how's the store coming along?

London:
Great! I'm going to put the purses over here, and matching belts over there!

Mr. Moseby:
Ah! Do you have a business plan?

London:
Weren't you listening? I said I'm going to put the purses over here, and matching belts over there!

Maddie:
No, no, no. You see, he means financial plannings. You know, taking stock, inventory...?

London:
[adopts annoyed expression] Like I said. I'm going to put purses over here, and matching belts over there!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I'm gonna put purses over here and matching belt over there.

Carey Martin:
Ah... and do you have a bussiness plan?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Weren't you listening, I'm gonna put purses over here and matching belt over there.

London:
No, no, no he talking about financial planning. Ordering stocks taking inventory.

London:
[getting mad] I said, I'm gonna put purses over here and matching belt over there.

Cody Martin:
Don't you think it's weird how Irv knew that Arwin did it wrong?

Zack Martin:
What do you mean?

Cody Martin:
[digs through Irv's bag] The Fonzarelli 22! Do you know what this means?

Zack Martin:
I will as soon as you tell me!

Mr. Moseby:
[about Irv] What a hot dog!

Carey Martin:
Well, you are what you eat.

Mr. Moseby:
Ooh.

Zack Martin:
You can take that guy Arwin.

Cody Martin:
Maybe not in a donut eating contest!

Cody Martin:
The Fonzarelli 22! Do you know what this means?

Zack Martin:
I will... as soon as you tell me!

Cody Martin:
[Looks at Zack with a stupid face] It means that Irv is cheating!

Zack Martin:
I wonder what he was doing in there.

Cody Martin:
Irv put diagrams on the toilet paper!

Zack Martin:
That's silly! Everyone knows how to use toilet paper!

London:
What's going on here? Why are you packing up all the clothes?

Maddie:
Because you quit.

London:
Quit? I don't know the meaning of the word quit!

Maddie:
Wouldn't it just be easier if you told me the meaning of the words you do know the meaning of?

Kurt:
[looking at the picture of the girl in the bikini] Whoa, she's hot. [Carey gives him a look] Cause she's at the beach... where it's hot, which is why she's in a bikini!

Zack Martin:
I don't deserve this.

Carey Martin:
Sure you do, honey. We are all so proud of you.

Zack Martin:
But...

Kurt:
Yeah pal, you made us so proud.

Zack Martin:
No, I didn't! Cause I didn't graduate!

[everyone gasps]

Mr. Moseby:
[sarcastic tone] There's a shock.

Barbara Brownstein:
You know when we get to high school, I'm taking five AP classes!

Cody Martin:
I'm taking six! [Barbara stomps on Cody's foot, only to hurt herself] Steel-toe boots! [dances away with glee]

Cody Martin:
You know, Mom's really gonna be mad when she finds out you're not graduating.

Zack Martin:
Well she can't be too mad when she finds out I saved a life.

Cody Martin:
Whose life did you save?

Zack Martin:
[trying to shove an apple in his mouth] Here, choke on this.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
What took you so long? Did the storm slow you down?

London Tipton:
No, I added an extra twenty minutes to my massage because your call really stressed me out.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I hate you!

London Tipton:
I have the helicopter.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Love you. Let's go!

Zack Martin:
What are you doing here?

Maddie:
Saving your butt before I kick it!

Zack Martin:
[smiling deviously] Is that a threat or a promise?

Zack Martin:
Hey there sweet thang!

Carey:
You had your underwear dry-cleaned?

Zack Martin:
Feels good!

Tuck:
The paparazzi are paying $20,000 to get a picture of that wedding.

Zack Martin, Cody Martin:
We'd be rich!

Cody Martin:
And we could pay mom back!

Zack Martin:
We'd be rich!

Cody Martin:
We wouldn't be burdens!

Zack Martin:
We'd be rich!

Cody Martin:
We could give the rest of the money to charity!

Zack Martin:
I swear we're not related.

Carey:
[talking about baby-sitters] I was thinking maybe Maddie - works in the gift shop. She needs the money, like us.

Cody Martin:
Oh, Maddie.

Zack Martin:
[to Cody, miming hourglass shape] Baby's got it going on!

Carey:
She's got what going where?

Zack Martin:
I don't know what I'm saying.

Carey:
Yeah, you better not.

Maddie:
[to the Twins] So I've re-arranged the candy bar, so tell me, what draws your eye?

Zack Martin:
You do, Sweet Thang!

Maddie:
Please, some of this candy is older than you.

Mr. Moseby:
I understand how it is; children can sometimes be a burden!

Carey:
Aww, you have kids?

Mr. Moseby:
Nope, and after seeing yours, not gonna happen!

Carey:
We may live in a palace, but we're not royalty.

Zack Martin:
I think you're a queen, Mommy.

Carey:
Aww. Put a sock in it!

London Tipton:
When I inherit this hotel, you are so fired!

Maddie:
Oh, you'll be too busy getting face-lifts!

Carey Martin:
What brings you up so early?

Mr. Moseby:
Couldn't sleep. [looks at Zack and Cody] Nightmares!

Zack Martin:
[entering the Tipton while talking to Cody] I'm telling you. She's full of evil. I bet her head spins around. [swirls finger]

Francesca:
Your butt, is huge!

London Tipton:
[gasp]

Francesca:
And you have chicken legs

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[gasp]

Zack Martin:
What are you, my mother?

Cody Martin:
What's wrong, Chef Paolo?

Chef Paolo:
[sobbing] My cholesterol test... it did not turn out so good.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Oh, come on, how bad can it be?

Chef Paolo:
They found bacon bits.

London Tipton:
I'm so hungry that I'm dizzy... and I keep smelling hamburgers.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
That's me. I'm sweating beef juice.

Carey Martin:
[to Zack] Honey, you have a problem.

Zack Martin:
I do not!

Carey Martin:
I found licorice in your underwear drawer!

London Tipton:
Francesca, could you please stop insulting Maddie? Her life is pathetic enough without you. [turns to Maddie] Don't say I never defend you.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Can I say you never defend me well?

Cody Martin:
[to Cody] You know, this health questionnaire is really interesting. I'd like to show you, but you might eat it.

Zack Martin:
Not unless it's made of chocolate.

Zack Martin:
Cake is dessert, pie is dessert, ice cream is dessert. Fruit salad is not dessert, it's not even a salad! What the heck is it?

Carey Martin:
Zack, do you realize that kids who eat to much sugar increase their risk of getting diabetes?

Zack Martin:
So we'll compromise. I won't put sugar on my cake anymore!

London Tipton:
I'm hosting a junior fashion show at The Tipton to go along with the health and fitness week. We're raising money to get kids free infections!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
You mean injections?

London Tipton:
Details...

Zack Martin:
What's going on?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Cholesterol test.

Cody Martin:
Probably the only test Zack could pass.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[to Cody] Am I starting to get that full figure look?

Cody Martin:
Well, your right hip looks little bigger.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Ooh... [feels hip]... Oh, wait that's my bus pass.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[holds up dress] Ooh, what do you think of this one?

Francesca:
Oh, it's hideous.

Carey Martin:
I think it's gorgeous.

Francesca:
Thank you, but we really don't need an opinion from the help.

Carey Martin:
I'm not help.

Francesca:
You're telling me. I ordered a mocha frappe 10 minutes ago, and nothing.

Carey Martin:
Oh, I'll give you a frappe.

Chef Paolo:
Hey Zack, have you ever dipped chocolate in gravy?

Zack Martin:
No.

Chef Paolo:
Well, you won't be able to say that anymore.

London Tipton:
[to Maddie] Come by the ballroom later to pick up the outfits you wanna wear. Get there early because Francesca Grubman will be there!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I thought you couldn't stand her.

London Tipton:
[in a angry tone] I can't; she's a horrible person, she's nasty, catty, and rude!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Then why did you invite her?

London Tipton:
[in a happy tone] Because she's one of my best friends!

London Tipton:
Francesca, remember that we only criticize people that we pay.

Francesca:
[to London] All right, your butt is huge. [to Maddie] And you have chicken legs. [Hands them both money] Best 50 bucks I ever spent. [Walks away]

Cody Martin:
[with chocolate sauce all over his face] You two should be ashamed of yourselves!

Chef Paolo:
Cody is right.

London Tipton:
Yeah.

Chef Paolo:
[whispers] Psst, there's still some chocolate left on his face.

London Tipton:
Let's lick it off!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[Talking about needle] Mr. Moseby's afraid.

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, pish posh! I'd laugh at that needle! Ha!

Zack Martin:
Well here's your chance. It's right there.

[Mr. Moseby turns around, sees needle, then faints]

Zack Martin, Carey Martin, London Tipton, Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[stomping on a lobster] What?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
We're making the famous Tipton Spinning salad bowl as we have done a thousand times before.

London:
[giggles nervously] We have?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Yes! London lettuce!

London:
Let us what?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
The green stuff!

London:
[giggles nervously again] Oh right!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[to man at restaurant] You are going to love it, it is so good.

London Tipton:
How do I know when it's boiling?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
When you put your hand in and say 'ow!'.

Cody Martin:
[Cody has severly burned a seafood medley] Oh no, my seafood medley!

Zack Martin:
It's seafood deadly now.

Maddie:
[to London] Teach me to be mean!

London:
[to Maddie] Teach me to be smart!

Maddie, London:
[hugging and crying] HELP ME!

Cody Martin:
What kind of name is Tapeworm?

Max:
The kind you get when you eat 20 hotdogs in 2 minutes!

Cody Martin:
Wow! Beats my record!

Zack Martin:
By 18

London:
[London is talking to Mr Mosby] When will he learn that education and me just don't mix?

Maddie:
It's education and I.

London:
Hello, this isn't about you!

Zack Martin:
Mom, what are you doing?

Carey Martin:
Apparently I'm embarassing myself in fron of you're new friends. You made friends!

Max:
Maybe...

Esteban:
Mr. Moseby, a fax has arrived from Tipton headquarters. They are coming for a surprise inspection!

Mr. Moseby:
How can it be a surprise inspection if they're telling us now?

Esteban:
Because they sent the fax two weeks ago and I forgot to give it to you. Surprise!

Zack Martin:
So is the evil hotel inspector gone yet?

Ilsa:
No, she is right here.

Zack Martin:
Whoa! What's that on your face?

[Carey covers his mouth]

Mr. Moseby:
It's a beauty mark!

Cody Martin:
But it has a hair on it!

[Carey covers his mouth]

Carey:
It's good I don't have triplets! I would run out of hands!

Ilsa:
You there, candy girl.

Maddie:
My name's Maddie.

Ilsa:
Ya, candy girl. I see you punched in at 4:01. You were supposed to be here at 4:00 to work on London's poochie party.

Maddie:
Oh, sorry.

Ilsa:
4:00 means 4:00. I am docking you for that minute.

Maddie:
That's a dime.

Ilsa:
A dime you'll never see!

Mr. Moseby:
[hearing the Tipton is in trouble] I'm coming, Mama!

Carey:
He's just trying to keep this hotel running smoothly, and you guys tend to be *un-smooth*.

Cody Martin:
Yeah. Un-smooth like when mom doesn't shave her legs for two weeks.

Maddie:
London, we have a problem!

London:
Maddie, what are you doing out here? You're supposed to be making balloon people for the guests.

Maddie:
Yeah, but two of your guests bit me and one of them went tinkle on my leg.

London Tipton:
It's me. Not you. Back from Peru!

Zack Martin:
Don't worry. I've got a plan.

Cody Martin:
No.

Zack Martin:
You don't even know what I was thinking.

Cody Martin:
You were thinking of wrapping me up in that gauze, going and getting the real mummy, and then switching us back later.

Zack Martin:
OK, so you do know what I was thinking.

Cody Martin:
I've got a bad feeling about this.

Zack Martin:
Come on, what could possibly go wrong?

Cody Martin:
I have to go potty.

Carey Martin:
Oh, sweetie, are you okay? We better get you unwrapped. After all that time, you must really have to go.

Cody Martin:
Not anymore. This gauze is really absorbant.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
We're going to wrap Holly in this, then get it by past Skippy so we can switch it with the real mummy, bring it down here and give it to Ambassador Pepe. He's going home in time for the iguanas.

Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya De la Rosa Ramirez:
He is? Oh, man, I can't believe I missed again! I love the Running of the Iguanas.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
The Running of the Iguanas?

Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya De la Rosa Ramirez:
We used to have the Running of the Chameleons, but nobody could see them.

Zack Martin:
[after seeing Cody being taken away to the hotel's mummy exhibition dressed as a mummy] Great! Now I have to pay $32.50 just to see my brother!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
It's my old dolly Holly!

Esteban:
Well they should have called her Scary Mary.

Cody Martin:
There's nothing you can do to make us tell

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[flirtatiously] Zackie?

Zack Martin:
There's treasure hidden in the hotel

Zack Martin:
I like the way you think, sweet thang!

Cody Martin:
You like anything she thinks, desperate thang!

Zack Martin:
I don't get what I ever saw in you.

Maddie:
Don't make me come down there.

[Esteban, Maddie, London, Zack, and Cody are arguing about who is going to get the biggest cut of the treasure]

Arwin:
[interrupting] Dogs have cleaner tongues than people!

[everyone backs away from him]

Zack Martin:
Ahh!

[he falls, and sees Maddie]

Zack Martin:
Oh yeah. Why catch me when you can make-out with a broom?

[a large hole has been blown into the wall and everyone has taken some of the money in there, believing it's a hidden treasure. A guard inside tells them that the hole leads to the Bank of Boston]

Security Guard:
You know, if you want to make a withdrawal, there's always the cashomats.

Mr. Moseby:
[sarcastically] I know but, the lines!

Cody Martin:
Do you want my defense sign?

Theo Cavenaugh:
Thats ok. I've already got my "I'm A Dork" t-shirt in the car.

Cody Martin:
[after finishing reading his speech] Like it?

Maddie:
[wakes up from a nap] Huh?

Cody Martin:
Guess not.

Maddie:
Sorry Cody, it's just that I'm exhausted. I was up all night taking care of the baby.

Cody Martin:
What baby? I didn't even know you got married!

Maddie:
Please, Cody. I'm only sixteen. And I've never even kissed a boy!

Cody Martin:
Oh, please. Save it for the nuns.

Maddie:
Esteban is our nanny? The man's best friend is poultry!

Zack Martin:
[Zack and Max both reach for a piece of cake at the same time and their hands touch. They both jerk their hands back immediately] I'm not hungry!

Max:
Me neither!

Carey:
Huh... Wonder what's wrong with them?

Arwin:
Isn't it obvious?

[Leans in closer toward Carey]

Arwin:
They're not hungry!

Arwin:
Way not to break anything, Cody! At least, I hope not, because I haven't filled out those forms yet.

London:
I'm going to a party and I have nothing to wear!

Maddie:
Well, what about this? It's brand new.

London:
Oh, that hideous thing? I just bought that so someone else couldn't!

Cody Martin, Tapeworm:
Zack kissed a girl! Zack kissed a girl!

Carey:
Boys, stop teasing Zack and be mature.

[they stop]

Arwin:
Zack kissed a girl! Zack kissed a girl! Zack kissed a girl! He kissed a girl, a female! A female...

[Arwin stops, but accidentally sticks his hand in some cake, then eats it]

Arwin:
Cake makes me crazy.

Patrick:
Tonight's special is chicken fingers. They come with curly fries, and a free ice cream shaped like a clown.

Max:
Is it modeled after you?

Arwin:
OK! Let's get out there and kick some...

[Carey clears throat]

Arwin:
fun!

Arwin:
OK, we're only down by five and we haven't been playing our best.

Max:
Zack.

Arwin:
I don't want to single anyone out.

Max:
Zack.

Arwin:
And we need to get our heads in the game.

Max:
Right, Zack?

Arwin:
OK, check in, Cody.

Cody Martin:
In where?

Arwin:
In the game!

Cody Martin:
I can't go out there, they're playing!

Cody Martin:
What role are you hoping to get?

Maddie Fizpatrick:
Sharpay. Everyone says I look just like the girl who plays her!

Cody Martin:
Really? I don't see it...

Carey Martin:
[trying to teach London to sing] Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do.

London Tipton:
How am I gonna remember all that?

Carey Martin:
Maybe you could think of something that reminds you of each note.

[sings]

Carey Martin:
Do.

London Tipton:
Dough. That means money!

Carey Martin:
[sings]... Re, mi.

London Tipton:
Re, mi... yay, me!

[claps]

Carey Martin:
[sings] Fa, so...

London Tipton:
Oh! When something's *far*, I say, "so?" 'Cause I have a private jet!

Carey Martin:
[sings] La...

London Tipton:
Law is something you get to break when ! y ou're rich.

[points to self]

Carey Martin:
[sings] Ti...

London Tipton:
My favorite vowel!

Carey Martin:
[sings] Do.

London Tipton:
Yay, more money!

[sings her version of the scale, very off-key and breaks a wine glass]

London Tipton:
Mazel tov!

Carey Martin:
[attempting to give London a singing lesson] Learning a song is easy if you can handle a scale.

[meaning musical scale]

London Tipton:
No problem, you just step on it, then subtract five pounds.

Mr. Blaine:
Okay Maddie, are we ready to bop to the top, cause remember, we're all in this together.

Maddie Fizpatrick:
Okay, you're pushing it to the limit.

Cody Martin:
[to Moseby] I prepared it in the original Greek.

Zack Martin:
You mean the original geek?

Antonio:
[referring to London's horrible singing] What you do is considered a capital crime in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.

Mr. Blaine:
[to Cody] You know you even look kind of like Zac Efron?

Maddie Fizpatrick:
And I don't look like Ashley Tisdale? You people are all crazy!

Mr. Moseby:
What was that terrible noise?

London Tipton:
I was singing

Mr. Moseby:
Not that noise. The other noise with someone else is making that drowned up your wonderful singing

Carey Martin:
Nice save.

Mr. Moseby:
London, Shall we get this dance lesson started? I want to get your moneys worth.

Carey Martin:
How much is she paying you?

Mr. Moseby:
3 diamonds an hour

Carey Martin:
I am only getting two. I got robbed.

London Tipton:
Hey are we going to dance or what?

Mr. Moseby:
Yes. Yes. Now a good dancer dances from his soul. Step, step, kick, and shimmy shimmy shimmy, one two boogie and shortie short shortie short, fish tale fish tale, and crazy legs crazy legs, just square just square and big finish.

[Esteban teaches Zack, Cody, Janice, and Jessica to dance]

Esteban:
You must hold each other so closely...

[places magazines between their bodies]

Esteban:
...that this magazine won't fall.

Zack Martin:
Excellent. You got a thinner magazine?

Esteban:
Oh, my poor sister will never be a woman.

Esteban:
[after winning the dance competition] I would like to thank everyone from the heart of my bottom!

Zack Martin:
Uh, you mean, "bottom of my heart".

Esteban:
That too.

Zack Martin:
Have I ever told you that I love you?

Cody Martin:
No.

Zack Martin:
Hmm... you'd think I would have.

Mr. Moseby:
[shouting] How do you lose a woman?

Cody Martin:
You forget to cherish her.

Zack Martin:
[wearing a kimono] Nice tie.

Mr. Moseby:
[looks at Zack's kimono] Nice dress.

Zack Martin:
Touche.

Cody Martin:
What do you think of my model of the Eiffel Tower?

Janice:
That's the Eiffel Tower? I thought it was an oil derrek!

Kumiko Mori:
We should sing something we both know. [thinks, and then sings a series of very vibrato, operatic high notes]

Carey Martin:
Yeah, I can't do that since I had kids.

[Carey and Kumiko are unable to find a song they both know how to sing]

Mr. Moseby:
Ugh. Right now, I'd be happy if you sung "If You're Happy and You Know It".

Carey Martin, Kumiko Mori:
I know that one! [Mr. Moseby groans]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[to London] Okay, maybe I was too subtle. When I said give them to a friend, I meant me! You know, sometimes you are dumber than a sack of hammers.

London Tipton:
Would a friend call another friend a dumber than a sack of hammers?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
If they were really close, like we are. Friends tease.

London Tipton:
Oh, I get it. So why don't you come up before school tomorrow and take what you want from my closet, you stick-legged, frizzy-haired freak!

Mr. Moseby:
Maddie, did you stock the sushi candy?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
And the seaweed cookies. Yum!

Zack Martin:
What are we having, a convention of seals? [he barks and claps like a seal; Maddie throws him a piece of candy]

Mr. Moseby:
No, an important Japanese company is coming, and it would be swell if they came again next year. So I would like them to feel at home.

Cody Martin:
How come you never want us to feel at home?

Mr. Moseby:
You're kidding, right?

Mr. Moseby:
[trying to escort Kumiko away from the twins] Okay, let me show you to your room.

Cody Martin:
Wait! I want to practice my Japanese. [says to Kumiko in Japanese:] My belly button grows watermelons.

Kumiko Mori:
[to Moseby, uneasily] Don't send the fruit basket to my room.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[Cody speaks to Maddie in a foreign language] Okay, should I thank you or slap you?

Cody Martin:
It's international week at school and I've learned to say things in ten different languages.

Zack Martin:
And I've learned to snore in ten different languages.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I am so hungry. I missed breakfast.

London Tipton:
I hear you. This morning, my hollandaise sauce was curdled, so all I had was a caviar omelet and French toast with a banana nut muffin on the side.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Even when I've had breakfast, I've never had breakfast like that.

Cody Martin:
The first thing we have to do is to get you an Imperial Suite.

Maddie:
Do you know how much those costs?

Zack Martin:
Awww, that's sweet! You thought we're gonna pay.

Zack Martin:
No, we don't pay here, baby.

Jason Harrington:
Hey, man! Recycle that!

Kyle:
You serious?

Maddie:
[running over to Jason] You recycle?

Jason Harrington:
Sure. Bottles, cans, everything.

Maddie:
Since when?

Jason Harrington:
Since my father bought Oregon and started chopping down the trees. You've heard of Octicorp?

Maddie:
The center of all evil?

Jason Harrington:
That's Dad!

Maddie:
We get to meet Usher?

London:
Sweetie, Usher gets to meet us.

[looking at Maddie through their spy hole thing]

Zack Martin:
Boy, if I were five years older, two feet taller...

Cody Martin:
I'd be squashed!

Maddie:
If I tell the truth, then Jason would look like a fool and I would look like a...

Cody Martin:
...a lying gold digger?

Zack Martin:
Do they have a hall of fame for this stuff?

Mr. Moseby:
Yes, it's called prison.

Jason Harrington:
Hi.

Maddie:
Hi.

Maddie:
Look, I'm sorry I pretended to be something I wanted. I just thought that since you were rich, you would be like all other rich guys.

Jason Harrington:
Well, I'm not. You pretty much overlooked me.

Maddie:
I'm really sorry.

Jason Harrington:
So I guess this is good-bye.

Maddie:
Yeah... bye

Jason Harrington:
You do remember what we do when we say good-bye, right?

Maddie:
Yeah, I think so.

Zack Martin:
How many times to they have to say goodbye!

Cody Martin:
Oh Come on!

London:
Gloss me!

Zack Martin:
Sorry. We're watching the counter for Maddie. We are not allowed to accept money, make change, or touch any of the merchandise!

London:
Is there anything you can do?

Cody Martin:
I can shove 12 Gummy Worms up my nose, wanna see?

Maddie:
Thanks guys!

Zack Martin:
No problem sweet thang!

Maddie:
Awwww... Call me in 10 years!

Carey Martin:
[to Zack] And let's get something straight. Girls can do anything boys can do, and we can do it while wearing high heels.

Tiffany:
Who cares? That would be like my brother dating Chelsea.

Chelsea:
Oh, just because my family's yacht is smaller than yours, you think you're better than me?

Tiffany:
Well... yeah!

Chelsea:
And, by the way, I did date your brother. He's an idiot.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Yikes.

London Tipton:
Girls, girls, please. It's okay for rich people to hang out with other people who have less money than they do. I mean, I hang out with you guys.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Double yikes!

Tiffany:
[to London] Well, at least my daddy's not an innkeeper!

London Tipton:
[gasps] How dare you! [spills her drink on Tiffany's dress]

Tiffany:
Did you just purposely throw tea on my new dress?

London Tipton:
Honey, what does it matter? It's probably a knockoff anyway.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Uh, ladies, shouldn't we get back to the book?

Tiffany:
[puts a pie on London's head] Oops.

London Tipton:
I'll have you know, I'm too much of a lady to engage in your low-class behavior. Oh, who am I kidding? [Hits Tiffany in the back of the head with another pie]

Chelsea:
Girls, girls. It doesn't matter what you have in the bank. All that matters is what you have on your face. [Hits Tiffany in the face with a pie]

Tiffany:
That better be low-fat!

Chelsea:
Well, let's ask London. [Hits London in the face with a pie]

London Tipton, Tiffany:
[hits Chelsea in the face with another pie] Oops.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
All right, I'll just be going, then!

Mr. Moseby:
Thought your shift was over, Madeline?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
It is, but I thought I'd stay and, uh, do a little inventory.

Mr. Moseby:
Couldn't resist listening in on London's book club, could you?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I can't help it! It's just too bizarre!

Chelsea:
[to the girls in the book club] Okay, everyone, let's get the discussion started.

London Tipton:
It's about time. [Opens her book] Can we talk about Paris? [Closes her book] Did you guys see that hideous pink dress she wore to the Gala last night? It looked like she threw up a flamingo!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
They're not even discussing the book!

Mr. Moseby:
And you're surprised because?

London Tipton:
Girls, let's turn to real issues... what do you think of my hair?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I'm horrified!

Mr. Moseby:
I think her hair looks nice. It's shiny.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Did any of you even read the book?

Tiffany:
Well, my butler was reading it to me, but my cell phone rang. It was Bradley Wiggins!

Chelsea:
Oooh, he's cute!

Tiffany:
I know! And he said he's thinking of dumping Allison for me!

Cody Martin:
I just hope you don't act like a jerk again around Ella.

Zack Martin:
No, no, I'm going to be a perfect gentleman. And we're going back to Putt Putt Party and I'm gonna politely pummel her to a pulp.

[Maddie e-mailed a fake horoscope to London]

Esteban:
Should we be taking advantage of poor Miss London like this?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Please. When she had trouble potty-training her dog, she made you dress like a hydrant.

Esteban:
Ooh, let's really stick it to her gooooooooood!

Spencer Moseby:
[Spencer is apologising to Moseby for his behaviour] Oh, since I'm apologising; I'm sorry I shaved "dork" in your hair when you were five.

Mr. Moseby:
[shocked] You said that was the hair gremlin!

Spencer Moseby:
I lied.

Mr. Moseby:
WHAT? [circling his brother] People called me "dork hair" for years! Including Mom!

Spencer Moseby:
Don't be mad because Mom liked me best!

Mr. Moseby:
Ohhhhhh, she did not! You know the reason why she treated you better!

Spencer Moseby:
Don't go there...

Mr. Moseby:
Oh yeah!

Spencer Moseby:
Don't *go* there!

Mr. Moseby:
Oh yeah! Because you were LACTOSE INTOLERANT!

Spencer Moseby:
Ooooooooohhhhhhh! You *went* there!

Mr. Moseby:
[laughs and taunts him childishly] Who's afraid of cheese? Who's afraid of cheese? [Spencer and Moseby start fighting]

Zack Martin:
[to Maynard] Your a building on feet!

[London is surprised when a needy family baked Maddie a cake]

London Tipton:
Maddie, why didn't they bake me a cake?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Because you didn't give them anything

London Tipton:
I gave them publicity.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[seriously] That was for you.

Corrie:
You are so cool London. Can I name my cat after you?

London Tipton:
Is it a pure bred?

Corrie:
No. [saying it happily]

London Tipton:
No! [Corrie walks off embarrassed]

Cody Martin:
I won! I won! I'm not a loser. I'm a winner. W-I-N-N-E-R

Carey Martin:
Didn't I tell you? Neither a borrower nor lender be?

Zack Martin:
Well, I'm halfway there! I never lend.

Cody Martin:
Okay, you can't go wrong buying jewlery. When buying diamonds, follow the rules of the four "c's;" Cut, clarity, carat, and color.

Zack Martin:
Don't foget about the fifth "c." Crime. Which is the only way were going to get any of this.

Liam Fitzpatrick:
You have no friends! Except this creepy dweeb!

Zack Martin:
Come over here booger! I'll straighten your teeth!

London Tipton:
Well, you're gonna miss Sheryl Crow singing!

Maddie:
Well you're gonna miss my Uncle Seamus singing. And when he does Auld Lang Syne there's not a dry eye in the house!

Zack Martin:
You know, none of the salespeople are gonna take us seriously

Cody Martin:
Of course they will. We just have to act like we know what we're doing. Suave sophisticated. Ahh naked lady! Aaah more naked ladies! Aaaaah!

Zack Martin:
Umm, my brother's just practicing the heimlich maneuver. You can never be too safe!

Snooty Woman:
If I sell ya something cheap do you promise to leave and never come back?

Zack Martin:
How cheap?

Snooty Woman:
The cheapest thing we have is 100 dollars

Zack Martin:
Well, all I have is 12 bucks and a bus token. But I need the bus token to get home

Snooty Woman:
Tell you what. Keep your money and I'll just throw you out for free!

Cody Martin:
But we were just getting to know each other!

Maddie:
Aw, Zack that's so sweet. Did anyone else come with you?

Zack Martin:
No but I'm ready to PARTY!

[Looks around and sees old people playing BINGO]

Zack Martin:
Who died?

Old Guy:
[calling BINGO numbers] I-29? I-29?

Maddie:
I hate my life.

Maddie:
[London walks into the goose lounge where Maddie is having her party] London, what are you doing here?

London:
I got locked out of my own party. I don't need ID do I?

Maddie:
I love your gift.

Zack Martin:
But it wasn't even from me.

Maddie:
You came to my party. That's the greatest gift you could have given me.

Zack Martin:
Women!

[Maddie pulls him into a hug]

Zack Martin:
Women.

Dr. Chip Walters:
So, who's the patient?

Carey Martin:
That would be me, the woman lying in bed, sneezing her guts out.

Dr. Chip Walters:
Actually, you can't really sneeze your guts out. I wrote a paper on it.

Cody Martin:
What grade did you get?

Dr. Chip Walters:
That's not important!

Dr. Chip Walters:
[Carey sneezes on his new stethoscope] EEEWW, you're getting it all boogery!

London Tipton:
Whatcha doing?

Arwin:
Oh, I'm equipping this exterior portal with an infrared trigger device, thus enabling it to open automatically without the need for human interface.

London Tipton:
Whatcha doing?

Arwin:
Stuff.

London Tipton:
Maddie, I really need your help and I won't take no for an answer!

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
No.

London Tipton:
Okay, I tried.

Carey Martin:
So Dr. Walters,

Dr. Chip Walters:
Call me Chip!

Carey Martin:
I'd rather not.

Arwin:
[screaming] IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII FIXED IT!

Mr. Moseby:
Fixed what?

Arwin:
EVERYTHING! [suddenly there is a loud crash]... Except that!

Cody Martin:
Uh oh!

Carey Martin:
What?

Cody Martin:
Your temperature is higher than Zack's IQ!

Cody Martin:
Just because I like to cook and clean doen't mean I can't be tough and macho. [takes drink from his mom's cup]

Zack Martin:
You just drank out of mom's 'sicky' cup.

Cody Martin:
[screams like a girl] Ahhhhhh! Ewww! [scrapes tongue with finger] . Blech!

Zack Martin:
Yeah, that's tough and macho.

Dr. Chip Walters:
[on the phone with his mom] No, I'm not gonna ask if she's single. Her kids are like... my age!

Mr. Moseby:
Good luck with that.

London:
Moseby, which of these phrases makes me sound the most smarticle?

Maddie:
The good news is, nut girl will probably vote for you, unlike me.

Trevor:
Oh yeah? Well I don't need the vote of some tree-hugger.

Maddie:
If you have it your way, there won't be any trees left to hug!

Trevor:
Oh, next you're going to blame the oil companies for global warming.

Maddie:
Yes, 'cause they're to blame.

Trevor:
Oh, cry me a river.

Maddie:
If I did you'd pollute it!

Trevor:
You bleeding heart liberal!

Maddie:
Establishment puppet!

Trevor:
Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?

Maddie:
I'm surprised someone as smart as you would have to ask!

[they kiss]

London:
[to some museum employee] Wow, didn't see that coming.

Maddie:
I hate you!

Trevor:
I hate you more!

[continue kissing]

London:
[to the same employee] Boy, I wonder what they'd do if they liked each other.

London:
Except for what I said about the banana-nut muffin. It's so soft from the bananas, yet crunchy from the nuts.

[smiling and slightly swaying from side to side]

Maddie:
It doesn't get any deeper than that.

London:
[running into the lobby] Moseby! Which of the following phrases sounds the most smarticle?

Mr. Moseby:
The one that doesn't use the word "smarticle".

[London tears off pages]

Maddie:
London, I found something that will make you seem smart.

Mr. Moseby:
Smarticle!

Maddie:
Here have a chip.

[hands the chip to London]

London:
Ooh, I love chocolate!

[sticks it in her mouth]

London:
Ugh, this tastes terrible!

[spits it out and hands it to Maddie]

Maddie:
It's not a chocolate chip, it's a computer chip!

London:
Eew!

[spits it out and hands it to Maddie]

Maddie:
Actually, It's a tiny, very damp...

[shakes off spit]

Maddie:
...hearing device. You put it in your ear and I can talk to you without Trevor even knowing.

Mr. Moseby:
Or you can just tell the boy the truth and see if he likes you for who you are.

Mr. Moseby:
[London and Maddie stare at him] Good luck with the chip!

London:
Are you here for the merit scholar thingy?

Trevor:
Oh, yeah. I'm Trevor - Phi Beta Kappa.

London:
I'm London - Buy Lotsa Stuffa.

Maddie:
All I have to do is repeat everything I say.

London:
All you have to do is repeat everything you say.

Maddie:
Don't start yet, London.

London:
Don't start yet, London.

Maddie:
Stop it.

London:
Stop it.

Maddie:
Ugh, this is so not worth the hundred bucks.

London:
Ugh, this is so not worth the hundred bucks.

Maddie:
Maddie, I'm going to pay you 250 bucks.

London:
Maddie, not gonna happen.

[walks away]

London:
[Reading the board] What is a "scho-lar"?

Maddie:
Well, It is someone who sould read the sign.

Mr. Moseby:
[to London] And it is someone who can pronounce the word "scholar".

Trevor:
Uh, you know your sitting on a master piece?

London:
I knew these pants made me look good.

Trevor:
So, what's your favorite class?

London:
Upper.

Trevor:
That's a great one... if you can get into it.

Maddie:
Your favorite composer is Bach.

London:
Where's he been?

Maddie:
He's dead.

London:
So he came 'Bach' from the dead?

London:
Maddie's been coaching me through this... computer chocolate chip.

Trevor:
Why would you need coaching?... wait a minute, did she just say computer chocolate chip?

Maddie:
[Nods] 'Nuff said.

London:
Oh! I know what genealogy is, it's when you rub a lamp and get three wishes.

Maddie:
I've met bread smarter than you.

Jeremy:
I knew we should go to Australia, it has a lot of poisonous animals

Bob:
For the last time, this is just a game, we don't actually have to go to Australia!

London:
Oh, I know all about geniuses! It's where you rub the lamp and get 3 wishes.

Maddie:
[pause] I've met bread smarter than you.

Trevor:
So, what's your favorite piece of art that you haven't sat on?

London:
I would have to say...

Maddie:
[walks pass them] The Jackson Pollack. He's such a master.

London:
I would have to say the Jackson Paulig, he such a-perportrator heading south McLellan Highway please proceed with caution.

[London stares blankly]

Maddie:
[to London from the chip and behind the wall] Sorry London. Sometimes this thing picks up police frequencies.

[continues to stare blankly at Trevor]

[Mrs. Madigan is terrified that Zack is in her class]

Zack Martin:
That's odd. My new math teacher said the same thing when I walked into his class.

Mrs. Madigan:
That's because there's a "Beware of Zack" poster in the teacher's lounge.

Zack Martin:
Actually, my name stage name is "Nasty Z: The Dark Prince of Awesome!"

Zack Martin:
Cody, there's no need to be jealous. Barbara is crazy about you.

Cody Martin:
Yeah. She did give me an engraved protractor for my birthday.

Zack Martin:
And if that's not nerd love, I don't know what love is.

Cody Martin:
Barbara Simka Brownstein, you have betrayed me, and the love that we shared! I was learning Yiddish for you, and all I get in return is... Tsuris! We're through!

[Cody storms out of class, as Zack plays the kettle drum to the beat of his stomping. Cody gives Zack a dirty look before leaving as Zack continues to play the drum]

Zack Martin:
[to Mrs. Madigan] And you got me playing the triangle. [scoff]

[Cody plays a depressing rendition of a famous musical number on the French horn]

Zack Martin:
Dude, you're bringing me down. What is that?

Cody Martin:
"Ode to Joy".

Zack Martin:
Sergei's in love with Barbara and he's going to take her back to Russia and raise llamas.

Cody Martin:
What?

Zack Martin:
I know. Llamas sound weird. There's more money in alpacas.

Cody Martin:
Barbara, the only reason I broke up with you was because I thought you and Sergei were going to move back to Russia and raise llamas.

Barbara Brownstein:
I'm not interested in Sergei. Plus, the real money is in alpacas.

Cody Martin:
I'd do anything for you. That's why I learned Yiddish. You're my "latke".

Barbara Brownstein:
I'm a potato pancake?

Cody Martin:
Oh. I guess I need to study some more. I was going to say that you're my true love.

Barbara Brownstein:
Close enough.

Cody Martin:
Puberty stinks!

Mr. Moseby:
London, I think you should call your father and tell him that the hotel business is not for you.

London Tipton:
But it is for me. It's in my blood. I'm a Tipton.

Mr. Moseby:
And you do what Tiptons do best.

London Tipton:
Cut down rainforests to put up resorts?

Mr. Moseby:
No.

London Tipton:
Finance takeovers in foreign countries to secure mining rights?

Mr. Moseby:
No, I meant do nothing. No one does nothing and orders people around better than you do.

Cody Martin:
That stupid Sergei thinks he's so great just because he's...

Zack Martin:
Great?

Cody Martin:
Barbara seems to think so. I never want to see his stupid face again.

Zack Martin:
What do you think of the poster I made for your fund-raiser?

[Cody furiously yanks the poster out of Carey's hands and rips it to shreds]

Zack Martin:
A simple "I don't like it" would've been fine.

Zack Martin:
Cody, you're jealous of a rumor. And I'm not even sure I heard it right.

Cody Martin:
[crying] Oh, great! Now I've ruined my life by dumping Barbara, [squeaky] I have NOTHING!

Carey Martin:
You have a family that loves you.

Cody Martin:
[still crying] I mean something that I care about!

[London is trying to operate a vacuum cleaner without electricity]

Carey Martin:
Uh, London dear, you have to turn the vacuum on.

London Tipton:
But I don't like the noise.

Carey Martin:
I don't like the dirt.

London Tipton:
Well, I did it! I've done all the jobs in the hotel, and now I'm ready to do yours.

Mr. Moseby:
Mine? London, you can't...

[London pulls Mr. Moseby out of his chair and sits in it]

London Tipton:
Who do I yell at first?

Mr. Moseby:
My job isn't yelling at people.

London Tipton:
So you just do it for fun?

Mr. Moseby:
[yells] NO!

Cody Martin:
Aw, come on Mr. Moseby they're just trying to do what I said and 'Pilot there own Life'

Mr. Moseby:
You!

Zack Martin:
I'm sure you'll do fine.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I'm sure you'll do fine! What do you know?

Cody Martin:
Remember. If you can conceive, you can achieve and if you can acheive ...

London Tipton:
I hate that saying!

London:
I'll crush you so bad, you won't have a penny to your name. And you'll have to work like a dog for the rest of your life!

Maddie:
Ha! I'm already there!

Maddie:
Well, your mistake was taking on Madeline Margaret Genevieve Catherine Fitzpatrick!

London:
Fine, stay in! I'll beat all of you!

Cody Martin:
[about Maddie and London wrestling] You're right Zack, this would be alot better with pudding!

Cody Martin:
[to Maddie] Don't let fear in your cockpit.

Carey Martin:
Don't let what in your where?

Maddie:
Hey, wanna watch the game?

London:
Sure.

Maddie:
Yo, Sal, throw me some peanuts!

[peanut guy throws peanuts]

London:
And some caviar!

Maddie:
[looks at London funny] *Regular* person?

London:
Yo! Caviar!

Maddie:
Now it's time to strip and make the beds.

London:
Okay, if that's what poor people do.

[she starts to take her pajamas off]

Maddie:
Whoa there, big girl! I meant strip the sheets off the beds and put on new ones.

London:
Oh.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Ok. It's time to strip and make the bed

London:
Ok, if that's what poor people do... [starts to get undressed]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Whoa there big girl! I meant strip the sheets off the bed and put on new ones.

London:
[tries to open fridge] Your fridge is broken.

Cody Martin:
Other side.

London:
[opens fridge] Fixed it.

Cody Martin:
I'm confused. I thought you hated cheese.

Zack Martin:
Yeah, but you love cheese.

Cody Martin:
Oh.

London:
Oh, they're already in little slices. Cooking is easy.

Cody Martin:
So if I'm Zack and I don't eat cheese, does that mean you're the one that likes ham?

Zack Martin:
No, we both like ham.

Cody Martin:
Then who likes liverwurst?

Zack Martin:
No one.

Cody Martin:
Then why do they make it?

London:
I got this working thing down. [fire alarm goes off] Oh, it must be the cooking timer.

London:
Your grilled cheeses are ready.

Cody Martin:
Next time you might want to put it on bread...and take off the plastic.

Cody Martin:
Let's start off with something simpler... cereal.

London:
Ok. I can handle that. Wait, what goes first the milk or the cereal?

Zack Martin:
Doesn't matter as long as you remember the bowl.

London:
See, I can be a regular person.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Hey, regular person, you want a snack.

London:
Sure.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Sal, send up some peanuts.

London:
and caviar.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Regular person?

London:
Yo, caviar.

Carey Martin:
Whatever's in this envelope [to Cody] you're still Cody and [to Zack] you're still Zack. [Esteban walks by and hears this]

Esteban:
Will I still be Esteban?

Carey Martin:
Yes.

Esteban:
Aw too bad, then I must go get a ton of luggage in room 1217. [he leaves]

Carey Martin:
Before we do...

Zack Martin:
Oh no, she's gonna talk.

Carey Martin:
this is important. Even if you're you and you're you, I'll still love you if he's you and you're him.

Cody Martin:
I couldn't follow that and I'm the smart one.

Carey Martin:
Ok, swirly heels, swirly heels. [to Cody] You're definitely Cody and [to Zack] you're definately Zack.

Zack Martin:
Alright! Now I can go back to chilling and getting by in school. [sees his mom's face] I mean doing my best.

Carey Martin:
It's so nice to have my boys back.

London:
I love the sticky stuff mom puts in our sandwiches. What do you call it?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Peanut Butter.

Mr. Moseby:
[comes over] London, great news!

London:
Me first. I like peanut butter.

Mr. Moseby:
I think you'll like this even more. [holds up a newspaper that say "Tipton Back On Top"] Tipton back on top!

London:
On top of what?

Mr. Moseby:
They struck oil in your father's diamond mine.

London:
Well, that must have made a mess. [Mr. Mosby moans]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
London, it means you're again.

London:
Really? Yay, [jumps up and down and then tosses the sandwich over her shoulder] Goodbye peanut butter and hello lobster dipped in butter. [runs off]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Same old London.

Mr. Moseby:
But on the upside, [does a little dance] you've got your room back to yourself. You've got your room back to yourself.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
I suppose.

Mr. Moseby:
Hey, you did a good thing. [he leaves as London comes back]

London:
Maddie, in all of the excitement, I forgot yopu and I made lunch plans.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Yeah, and then you got rich again.

London:
Which is why I'm taking you to MAson Robert.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Really?

London:
It's the least I can do. I mean you took me in when no one else would. You like me for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness...

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
We're not married London.

London:
But we are friends, right?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Yeah.

London:
[they start to leave but London stops Maddie] Then as a friend, can I tell you something?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Yeah.

London:
That sweater looks like a moldy lemon. [Maddie gives a hurt look] It's ok. We'll get a booth in the back. [they leave]

[repeated line]

Zack Martin, London, Maddie, Cody Martin, Carey, Mr. Moseby:
WHAT!

Mr. Moseby:
You're father is incognito.

London:
Where is cognito?

Mr. Moseby:
In hiding.

London:
Where is hiding?

Mr. Moseby:
For now, your father must remain 'incognito.'

London:
Where is 'Cognito?'

Mr. Moseby:
It means he's in hiding.

London:
Where is 'Hiding?'

Carey Martin:
Aw, guys, it's still alright if you didn't win the trip to Hawaii. Although, I did always want to go to Hawaii... I want to lie down on the beach, with the sound of the waves crashing... the sun in my face... the wind in my hair...

[Breaks down crying]

Carey Martin:
Oh, I wanted that trip so bad!

Cody Martin:
Don't worry, little lady. You're getting tears all over my blue suede shoes.

Zack Martin:
Forget it. She's going to be crying all night. We'll never be able to get any sleep.

[the twins remember their consolation prize]

Cody Martin:
Wait a minute. Didn't we win a free room in this hotel?

Zack Martin:
[mimics the "Risk It All" host] That's right, Cody-cito! You freak!

Cody Martin:
Race you to the front desk!

[They exit]

Carey Martin:
[begins crying again, then hits the back of her head on the chair] Ow!

[about the audiences' goofy costumes]

Jerry Barns:
I'd love to take you all home... but you all look like FREAKS!

[repeated line, with variations]

Jerry Barns:
You're a freak!

London Tipton:
Whatcha doing?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[typing a letter] I'm composing an irate letter to Mr Moseby in order to expunge my inner angst and achieve emotional catharsis.

London Tipton:
[looks puzzled, but then says after a pause] Whatcha doing?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[in feigned politeness] Typing.

Zack Martin:
If you like video games, come over to my place and I'll crush you like the pretty boy you are!

Jesse McCartney:
Hey, that's Mr. Pretty Boy to you!

Zack Martin:
[after stealing Jesse McCartney's lucky bracelet] I'll tell him i found it.

Maddie:
You're gonna tell Jesse McCartney that you found his lucky bracelet that he put in his drawer on his beside table.

London:
[clap, clap, clap, clap, clap] Good plan.

Maddie:
[clap, clap, clap, clap, clap] Bad plan.

Cody Martin:
I'll have to weld the red wire to the blue wire. Which means I will have to use this dangerous welding torch, designed specially for adults.

Arwin:
Maybe I, an adult, should help you, a child.

Cody Martin:
That would be a great idea.

Jesse McCartney:
Excuse me. [points to where Maddie and London are standing, disguised as waiters]

London:
[squeals] He's pointing at me! I think he wants to propose. [rolls up sleeves]

Maddie:
He's pointing at the water, dingbat, he thinks you're a waiter.

London:
Why would he think that?

Maddie:
[looks over at London]

London:
Right.

Maddie:
Can you believe that all these girls are screaming for Jesse McCartney? So lame.

London:
Seriously. They all *think* they have a shot with Jesse, when really, he and I are meant to be. [lovingly gazes at cover of 'Seventeen' magazine with Jesse's picture on it]

Jesse McCartney:
Excuse me, do you know where the manager's office is?

London:
Mmm, over there.

Jesse McCartney:
Thanks. [walks away]

Maddie:
Wasn't that Jesse McCartney?

London:
Hm? [turns around, gasps, turns back around, and faints]

Maddie:
Okay, I need to get a picture of Jesse McCartney for my school newspaper.

London:
Oh, don't worry about it. I have connections with Jesse. After all, he's a celebrity, and I'm a celebrity. We're first celebrities once removed.

Cody Martin:
I'm going to win a Nobel Peace Prize so I can look after my aging mother and pay Zack's bail money.

Arwin:
Zack's in prison?

Cody Martin:
Not yet.

Jesse McCartney:
[after Mattie and London are removed] You hang out with those girls? What are they like two years older then you?

Zack Martin:
Three.

Jesse McCartney:
[high-fives Zack] Impressive dude!

[repeated line]

Carey Martin:
Glad I could help!

Maddie:
How would you feel if people were spreading rumors about you?

London:
London: Hey, every time I'm in the paper, my social life just gets better and better.

Maddie:
Yeah? Well, my social life is going down the tubes because Chuck heard your lie and dumped me!

London:
Oh, honey. I heard a rumor he was gonna dump you anyway.

[Maddie gasps]

London:
I want him locked up in the Tipton dungeon!

Mr. Moseby:
We don't have a dungeon. But I can have him fired.

London:
Out of a cannon?

Mr. Moseby:
I know it was one of you and since I don't know which one, the game room is off limits to the both of you. It feels good to be the manager.

Zack Martin:
Boy, smart people are dumb.

Lance:
[talking to Maddie] You have a dark side. I like it.

Maddie:
So, where's the training dummy?

Lance:
You're looking at him.

Maddie:
I mean the dummy I'm supposed to practice on.

Lance:
You're looking at him.

Maddie:
He was teaching me CPR.

London:
Is that the same as peeling the grape?

Maddie:
It's mouth to mouth.

London:
So it is the same!

Cody Martin:
[after dyeing his hair, which turned out to be very red] Oh, no! The box said it was supposed to be a honey-mist auburn!

Zack Martin:
Well, honey, you missed auburn big time!

Zack Martin:
Way to go, Little Red Riding Nerd.

Cody Martin:
At least when I go away it won't be in handcuffs.

Zack Martin:
That's right. I'm Cody, the smart one!

Cody Martin:
And I'm Zack, the dumb one. Dopey, dopey, do.

Zack Martin:
Don't push it.

Maddie:
Well, you gossiped about me and it spread through the whole hotel!

London:
Well, you gossiped about me and it spread through the whole world!

Maddie:
Well, you started it!

London:
Nuh-uh.

Maddie:
Uh-huh.

London:
Oh, don't you uh-huh my nuh-uh!

Zack Martin:
I would have to say President Carter... he, uh, nails things, uh, builds things, builds houses for uh, nuns, uh, cold people, poor people! Builds houses for poor people! Because I believe people should have a place to sleep and play video games.

Esteban:
Have you heard about Mr. Moseby?

Muriel:
*No!*

Esteban:
Ci!

Cody Martin:
[sees the man for the Weekend Washington is here; hurries to Zack and pulls him away from Maddie.] Zack! The guy from the Weekend Washington is here! He's here to interview me and I can't be me because I don't look like me, I'm supposed to look like you since you look like me you've gotta be me!

Zack Martin:
I can't help you.

Cody Martin:
Why?

Zack Martin:
'Cause I have no idea what you've just said.

Zack Martin:
We didn't see that movie, right Cody?

Cody Martin:
It was Zack's idea.

Zack Martin:
Thanks man.

Carey Martin:
[finding Zack in the lobby, still sleepwalking] Zack, wake up.

Mr. Moseby:
You can't wake him up. I have tried everything.

Carey Martin:
Zack, I'm making chocolate chip pancakes.

Zack Martin:
Cool, I'll have twelve. [he looks around] Hey, where am I? What am I doing in the lobby in my pajamas? [he looks at Cody wrapped up in bubble wrap] Although, as silly outfits go, I come in second.

Carey Martin:
You were sleepwalking, trying to protect yourself from zombie moms.

Zack Martin:
Well, that's strange, because we didn't go to see that scary movie, did we, Cody?

Cody Martin:
It was Zack's idea!

Zack Martin:
Thanks, man.

Mr. Moseby:
[when he catches Zack moving the lobby furniture] A-HA! I caught you red-handed! OK mister, let's have a litle talk about this, shall we? Yes! You're the one who's putting all the furniture... [Zack continues] Where are you going? Whoa, whoa... Listen up. I want you to listen to me young man. I don't want you putting any more furniture... What are you doing? Where were you when I moved out of my parents' place?

Mr. Moseby:
[while Zack is sleepwalking] Now Zack, stop it!

Zack Martin:
[in a monotone] Yes, stop zombies.

Mr. Moseby:
No, stop re-decorating!

Carey Martin:
I'll kiss it, make the boo-boo better.

Lance:
I think that's enough swimming for today.

London Tipton:
Well, maybe you could teach me something else... like the "Kiss of Life"!

Lance:
Okay. What you do is pinch the nose...

London Tipton:
Yeah...

Lance:
Tilt the chin back -

London Tipton:
Oh, just kiss me, you fool! [they kiss]

Lance:
London, are you ready for your swimming lesson?

London Tipton:
Shh! Lower your voice!

Lance:
[in a deep voice] London, are you ready for your swimming lesson?

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
[the girls run into their cabin, screaming frantically, and Maddie shuts the door] And that's why we don't play soccer with a beehive!

London Tipton:
Why did you just kiss the exterminator?

Zack Martin:
Because she may never come back.

Zack Martin:
Now I know not to kiss two girls at the same party...

[Zack pauses for a second]

Zack Martin:
Unless the first girl leaves.

Ed - Mellow Notes, Mel - Mellow Notes, Mitch - Mellow Notes, Murray - Mellow Notes:
[singing] We promise this date will really be tops...

Carey Martin:
[also singing] If I'm not back by ten, call the cops!

Zack Martin:
Dude, this statue of London is freaking me out! Its eyes, they follow you everywhere!

Cody Martin:
As opposed to the real London, whose eyes just stare blankly into space.

Zack Martin:
A:I don't know what you are talking about... And B: Oh yes it will!

Zack Martin:
You dyslexic people seem to have it so easy...

Bob:
Easy? Yeah, the jumbled letters, the humility, the inability to shoot a free throw...

Mr. Forgess:
Bob, dyslexia has nothing to do with your basketball performance.

Bob:
Yeah, I know, but I was on a roll.

Zack Martin:
[to Cody] Well, if you're so smart, what's the capital of North Dakota?

Cody Martin:
Bismarck.

Zack Martin:
I thought Bismarck was the capital of South Dakota.

Cody Martin:
No, that's Pierre.

Zack Martin:
So what's the capital of Wyoming?

Cody Martin:
Cheyenne.

Zack Martin:
Thanks, you just finished my homework... Like shootin' fish in a barrel.

London:
Maddie, what are these little doo-hickies and are they expensive and do I want to buy them?

Maddie:
They're chess pieces. It's a game that's been played for over five thousand years.

London:
Well, someone should have won already.

Zack Martin:
Test?! How could there be a test? Didn't we just get our report cards? Isn't there some down time before we have to start learning again? Ugh! Why do you keep shoving knowledge down our throats?

Cody Martin:
It's school?

Zack Martin:
Yeah, and I don't wanna have to spend my summer here eating vegetables and having you tell me what was on TV last night. There's gotta be a way out!

Cody Martin:
Yeah. Study.

Zack Martin:
Look, you're not gonna take this seriously.

Mr. Moseby:
Millicent, how are the candy sales this morning?

Millicent:
Sales? I'm supposed to charge people for candy? [whimpers]

Mr. Moseby:
Yes, that would explain the cash register.

Millicent:
Oops! I thought it was an ATM! I guess this cash belongs to you.

[gives Mr. Moseby money]

Zack Martin:
[sees a pretty girl in his class] Hi, I'm Zack. And you are?

Haley:
Shy! Painfully shy. Don't look at me!

[puts a paper bag over her head]

Zack Martin:
Oh dude! You got X-Ray vision, didn't ya?

Arwin:
Ooh, if I had a monkey, I'd name him "Bill".

[after tying up Carey, Arwin sings her a song]

Arwin:
[singing off-key] I love Carey./She looks just like a fairy./I love Carey./Please don't be mad if I stare-y.

Carey Martin:
And I thought being tied up was painful.

Zack Martin:
You know, chicks love guys with super powers... I gotta call Maddie!