Xena: Warrior Princess

Autolycus:
Distracts me? A beautiful woman lying naked in a bathtub? [Laughs]... Where was I?

Gabrielle:
Another one's fallen for you.

Xena:
Again? What is it?

Gabrielle:
Oh, the blue eyes... the leather. Men love leather.

Xena:
I think it's time for a wardrobe change.

Gabrielle:
Yeah. You could try wearing chainmail.

Xena:
Nah. That'd just attract a kinkier group.

Xena:
Oh... that's enough, Minya!

Gabrielle:
She's in that, "I'll do anything for the Warrior Princess" haze!

Gabrielle:
You know, her boyfriend is in love with you. Guess I'll have to straighten that out too.

Xena:
You? Why you?

Gabrielle:
Because *I* do the sensitive chats.

Gabrielle:
[Xena has destroyed a frying pan using it as a weapon] Xena, this was our only frying pan. Why do you do that? You do have weapons, don't you?

Xena:
I like to be creative in a fight. It gets my juices going.

Gabrielle:
Can we cook with your juices?

Hower:
Let me ask you something, Gabrielle. Does Xena ever think about... settling down and getting married?

Gabrielle:
No... she likes what I do. [Xena throws a fish on her face] I think she likes what she's doing.

Minya:
[Minya is playing with Xena's whip] The rotten thing came back and bit me!

Xena:
You gotta be careful with it. What are you doing with my whip, anyway?

Minya:
It isn't your whip, anymore. I traded my best frying pan for it, fair and square.

Gabrielle:
Look, we have to cook our food. I am still waiting for the fish I had for lunch to stop brying to swim upstream!

Xena:
No, this isn't about cooking, is it?

Gabrielle:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Xena:
I messed with your scroll, so you... You traded my whip for a frying pan? I want it back.

Minya:
No! It belongs to me! You don't get that concept very well, do you? The whip is mine. The frying pan's yours. Hower is mine! She's yours.

Xena:
[in a bathtub with Gabrielle] Are you sitting on the soap?

Gabrielle:
I was wondering what that was... Hmmm...

Gabrielle:
[Referring to a man who is leading Xena and Gabrielle to his village to for them to protect] Another one's fallen for you.

Xena:
Again? Why does this always happen?

Gabrielle:
It's the blue eyes, the leather. Some guys just love leather.

Xena:
I think a wardrobe change is in order

Gabrielle:
You could wear chain mail.

Xena:
Yeah, but I think that'd just attract a kinkier group.

Xena:
[Sees Gabrielle using her chakram weapon to cut fish] Gabrielle! What do you think you're doing? Oh, that's just great. It's gonna smell like fish for days!

Gabrielle:
Well what was I supposed to use, huh? You threw our only good cutting knife at a warlord last week.

Joxer:
[to Lila] Any sister of Gabrielle's is like a member of the family.

Gabrielle:
You can't sweet-talk information out of me - wrong target.

Petrocles:
Oh, I don't know. Some people consider me the king of sweet-talk.

Gabrielle:
Well, hand over the crown, 'cause you just met your match. When I was five, I talked my parents into giving me my own pony.

Petrocles:
When I was fifteen, I talked a warlord into giving me his army.

Gabrielle:
I once talked a Cyclops out of his dinner. And I was the dinner.

Petrocles:
I talked Xena into marrying me.

Xena:
[Far from both of them] Gabrielle, why don't you walk up here with me?

Gabrielle:
You can keep your crown.

Xena:
Gabrielle, if I only had thirty seconds to live, this is how I'd want to live them - looking into your eyes.

Gabrielle:
Stop this. Stop it.

Xena:
Always remember... I love you.

Xena:
If there is a reason for our travels together it's because I had to learn from you enough to know the final, the good, the right thing to do. I can't come back. I can't.

Gabrielle:
I love you, Xena. How am I supposed to go on without you?

Xena:
I'll always be with you, Gabrielle. Always.

Gabrielle:
A life of journeying has brought you to the farthest lands to the very edges of the Earth.

Xena:
And to the place where I'll always remain... your heart. So, where to, now?

Gabrielle:
I think we should go south... to to the land of the Pharaohs. I heard they need a girl with a chakram.

Xena:
Where you go... I'm at your side.

Gabrielle:
I knew you'd say that.

Xena:
War's a b*tch.

Xena:
Callisto, I didn't come here for this! [meaning "to fight"]

Callisto:
Well, then... you shouldn't have come at all.

Xena:
You may be immortal but I can still do damage. How'd you like to spend eternity in 5 pieces?

Velasca:
Artemis, you fake! Where were you when our nation died? Where were you when the many Amazon tribes were scattered and destroyed? Where were you when the word 'Amazon' became a joke told by old men in taverns? I was once your subject, now I'm your equal... and your enemy!

Callisto:
[to a rat, she has picked up] No, no, no - relax my fur little friend. No you're not dinner. That's boring part of immortality, no your defiantly not food. You're my little Hercules. Hercules trapped me in this little resort and I owe him a lot. I'm planning on paying him back for kindness, soon. Soon, [Lets the rat go] So, run away like a good little Hercules. Run away. Run away. Run away [Stabs it and laughs] Very soon.

Callisto:
Such a pretty day for a blood bath.

Callisto:
How've you been? Any new husbands since the last one I killed?

Gabrielle:
Xena... Do you think that, deep down, Callisto feels sorry for the things that she's done?

Xena:
No!

Gabrielle:
I do. I have to or I can't forgive her. And if I can't forgive her, I can't move on. Goodbye, Callisto.

Gabrielle:
And from that day on, we've honored and celebrated it. It's a time of rebirth for our wishes and our dreams. A time of coming together in joy and peace. It's the shortest day of the year and the longest night. But on this special night a new light, a new chance, is born to us all. So it's a time for miracles and goodwill towards all living creatures. That's why the Winter's Solstice means so much and touches us all so deeply.

King Silvus:
Wait a minute. You're one of those Solstice lovers, aren't you? One of those rebels who thinks that everything and everyone should stop once a year just to raise a glass, eat a goose, unwrap gifts! Well, you know what I say to that?

Xena:
Bet I can guess.

Melana:
But here, celebrating the Winter's Solstice is a crime. And anyone who gets caught can expect to pay a price.

Xena:
[voice-over] [after Xena kills an elk and mounts it on her horse] Gabrielle... I'm entering a world of darkness I promised myself I'd never return to, but it's the only way I can see you again. [Xena is in a cave with the dead elk skinned. She starts to dance] My mind has lost it's center. It's turning... turning. Can't hold. I can't hold... [pause] I hear you, or is it the wind? As I travel along paths left long ago, I'm engulfed by my memories. They consume me.

Alti:
[talking to Xena] You want to know what they are. Your friend you told me about, Lao Ma, her powers come from denial, self sacrifice, from the light. That's not for people like you and me. I want to tap into the heart of darkness. The sheer, naked will behind all craving. The hatred and violence. I'll become the face of death itself, capable of destroying not only a person's body but their soul. Help me and I'll make you Destroyer of Nations.

Cyane:
[as Xena approaches the Amazon Land of the Dead] What are you doing here, Xena? You're *not* welcome.

Xena:
Cyane, why are you still in the Land of the Dead? You should have crossed over into Eternity.

Cyane:
Answer me first! What do you want?

Xena:
I'm looking for a friend. A Greek Amazon...

Cyane:
[scoffs] An Amazon is your friend.

Xena:
That's right. Her name is Gabrielle...

Cyane:
[Xena looks to see a large group of Amazons in the Land of the Dead] You see, Xena, none of us can pass through the gate to Eternity. We're doomed to wander the Land of the Dead forever.

Xena:
Alti did this to you...

Cyane:
Yes... Alti.

Chalcis:
We caught these two lurking in the camp. The hag says she's a shamaness. Claims she can help us beat the Amazons.

Xena:
[to Alti] How can you do that?

Alti:
I was once an Amazon myself, but they expelled me from their number because my power was too great.

Otere:
Xena. Xena, um, there's something that you might not remember that I've been wanting...

Xena:
Your father died defending his village against my army.

Otere:
[nods] Mmm-hmm...

Xena:
You must feel a lot of anger towards me...

Otere:
Yes, but in some strange way, I owe you something. I mean, you- you taught me how to stay alive...

Xena:
No! No, Otere. If you learn anything from that monster I used to be, it was how to stay dead. How to be numb to anything that is beautiful, or meaningful. And I can never ask your forgiveness, but I do ask that you let me help you build a new life. That's what my friend Gabrielle did for me.

Otere:
[pauses and then nods] All right.

Xena:
Thank you. [starts crying] I've got a lot of work to do.

Xena:
I thought I told you to wait for me at the cave.

Gabrielle:
I did. And then this rock told me I had to come find you.

Xena:
The rock spoke to you?

Gabrielle:
Oh. yeah. I mean, his voice was a little gravelly, but I understood.

Xena:
[after Xena's mom catches her making out with Ares] This is not what it looks like!

Ares, God of War:
Yeah, it is.

Ares:
[Athena is walking amongst her troops when Ares materializes beside her] So, Sis! How goes the siege?

Athena:
I'm about to start catapulting dead cows into the village.

Ares:
And a classic it is!

Ares:
Hey, Sis! How goes the siege?

Athena:
[smirking] I'm about to start catapulting dead cows into the village.

Ares:
Always a classic!

Athena:
[after healing Ilainus' cheek] You have my favor Ilainus, always. But take care. It doesn't make you any less mortal.

Ilainus:
I saw the child. I could have killed her for you.

Athena:
You're a fine warrior Ilainus. The most dangerous animal on Earth is a mother protecting her young. In the name of Zeus, I will kill the child myself.

Xena:
[Xena speaks to the group of villagers gathered in Cyrene's tavern] All right, listen up. The last thing I wanted to do was to bring an army down on your heads, but I'm *not* sacrificing my child. Not for the sake of a *selfish* pack of Gods who don't give a *damn* about the human suffering they cause!

Xena:
Why are you doing this, Athena? Ares I could understand; he's always out for himself, and Zeus was just clinging to power, but you... [pause] Of all the Olympians, you were the only one who ever seemed to deserve my respect.

Athena:
I have no choice! The Fates have decreed it...

Xena:
Warriors like us make our own fate!

Athena:
[after hitting Ares down, Athena stands before him] What's the matter, bro? Worried about your girlfriend? [Xena is fighting Ilainus in the background]

Ares:
Me? Oh, no! [Xena shoves Ilainus back and hits her] Worried about yours? [Athena looks back; she sees that Xena is defeating Ilainus]

Ilainus:
[Xena continues avoiding Ilainus' sword blows as she keeps striking her. Xena then thrusts her sword deep in Ilainus' abdomen] UGH! OH! [she moans in pain]

Athena:
ILAINUS! [Ilainus falls down; Athena runs to her and examines her wound] Your wound is beyond my healing...

Ilainus:
[breathing heavily as Athena cradles her] Do I still have your favor, A-Athena?

Athena:
Always... [Ilainus takes her last breath, leans her head back and dies; Athena holds her] Take a good look, Ares! We're next; all of us! [Athena disappears with Ilainus' body]

Xena:
Maybe you didn't hear me, Doctor. Getting pregnant requires a certain physical element that I haven't had for a long time... I'm talking a VERY long time. I am a love-free zone, so it is utterly *impossible* that I be up the duff! What's your diagnosis *now*?

Gabrielle:
You don't have the slightest idea?

Xena:
No. Look, we've been through this a thousand times. I don't.

Gabrielle:
How can you not know? I just find that hard to believe, you know.

Xena:
Tell me.

Gabrielle:
Ares. Maybe he did... a god thing.

Xena:
No.

Gabrielle:
OK, fine. When was the last time we saw Hercules?

Gabrielle:
Come on, Xena. Race ya to Greece?

Xena:
I don't know if you're ready for that.

Gabrielle:
Are you chicken?

Xena:
No, just being considerate. We race to Greece, and you won't be able to walk straight for a month.

Joxer:
[to Amarice] What do you know about guys? You're an Amazon! All you know is shopping for bows and arrows and emasculation!

Amarice:
I know you don't have to live with pigs to recognize one!

Joxer:
You know? I'm so glad all women aren't like you!

Amarice:
All the women I know are. We don't need a man to get along. In fact as far as they're concerned you guys are totally dispensable!

Xena:
See how calm the surface of the water is. That was me once. And then [Xena throws a stone in the water], the water ripples and churns. That's what I became.

Gabrielle:
But if we sit here long enough it will go back to being still again; go back to being calm.

Xena:
But the stone is still under there. It's now part of the lake. It might look as it did before, but it's forever changed.

Gabrielle:
We've repeated the that many times

Xena:
Yes

Gabrielle:
But I...

Xena:
No, No, Yes, No, I tired that, yes both ways, no I don't know, no again, are there any more questions? Good

Joxer:
[repeated lines and actions throughout episode] [Joxer opens barn door] Rise and shine everyone! [comes in barn] Rise and shine!

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle emerges from a stack of hay] I'll rise, but I refuse to shine!

Joxer:
Well, I got us breakfast. [Joxer takes an egg from his helmet he's holding] Goose eggs!

Gabrielle:
Xena, it just doesn't make sense. Who do you think?

Xena:
It's not the Fates; it's not Ares; it's not something that I ate. No, I have no poison dart marks. I have no Bacchae bites. [Shows her neck]

Joxer:
Is that a hickey? [Both Xena and Gabrielle look away slightly embarrassed]

Joxer:
You know the enemy of my enemy is often considered my friend.

Xena:
[exasperated] Joxer... [pauses and looks at Lycos and Menos] Go ahead.

Joxer:
[surprised] Really?

Xena:
Go ahead.

Joxer:
Yeah but you don't eve... I knew this would happen someday, you and me on the same wavelength, two great minds, one thought.

Gabrielle:
Only half a wit.

Joxer:
Oh! Oh! I know! I know! Wait a minute. What if none if this is really happening, and like we're all in somebody else's head, and they're making us up?

Gabrielle:
[Xena hums the funeral song as Joxer's body burns on a floating pyre in the river. Gabrielle looks at Xena] Xena, I shouldn't have sent him after those goose eggs...

Xena:
[quietly] Gabrielle, Joxer died a hero, just like he always wanted. [pause] There's no blame here! [Gabrielle starts to cry as Xena holds her] Hey, come here. Maybe we should get some rest, hmm?

Gabrielle:
[cries] No, I don't think I can...

Xena:
Yeah, sure you can. Come on. [pause] Sleep now. It'll hurt less in the morning...

Joxer:
[Morning; the rooster crows again and Xena wakes up, finding herself and Gabrielle in the same barn as the morning before. Joxer comes in the barn] Rise and shine, everyone! [pause] Rise and shine! [Xena just stares at him, completely shocked]

Xena:
Joxer. Joxer? You should be dead!

Joxer:
True! A man like me should have died a thousand times, if not for my prodigious skill and nerves of steel! Yeah.

Xena:
COME HERE, YOU! [Xena happily grabs Joxer's head and gives him a noogie]

Joxer:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Xena:
[to herself while Joxer listens] Every day, the rooster crows, Joxer walks in, the horseshoe falls, I save the old man, stop a duel and then the whole thing starts all over again...

Joxer:
Maybe it's the rooster. [Xena suddenly jerks her head up] [Sundown; the rooster clucks. Xena throws her chakramn at the rooster and its feathers fly everywhere]

Xena:
Gabrielle, did you know that Joxer simply adores you?

Joxer:
Could I speak to you privately?

Xena:
He would crawl 50 miles on broken glass, just to sweat in your shadow.

On screen:
What we sow in this life, we reap in our future lives. This is our karma.

Gabrielle:
This karma that you're talking about, can you see mine? Can you see how much Xena's a part of that?

Naima:
Yes, in many lives, past and future. You are right. But if you are to go, I must give you the weapon I could not give her. You must learn the menhdi.

Gabrielle:
Teach me.

Alti:
What's she told you about me, little girl? Has she told you about my powers? Has she told you about this? [Alti used her powers to show Gabrielle how she's going to die crucified with Xena] That's my gift to you! That's your future! She's responsible for your death!

Xena:
You b*tch!

Naima:
Thank you, Xena. You destroyed Alti at the one time in her karma when she was most powerful.

Xena:
The one time?

Naima:
Oh, yes. Her soul is not destroyed. It will return many times, filled with evil, but you will always be there to meet it. And you, Gabrielle, you both walk a path together. Think of yourselfves as lines in the menhdi, separated but forever connected. Menhdi contains truth.

Gabrielle:
I guess it's a day for changes.

Xena:
Oh, yeah. How does this feel?

Gabrielle:
Feels pretty good. I wish I had some word in it, though. You know? It was like this in that vision. [about her hair]

Xena:
I know. I've been thinking about that.

Gabrielle:
Xena, Alti was evil. Why should we believe anything she showed us? The menhdi contains the truth. I wish there was some way that... that we could do that again, just... just to really know.

Xena:
Naima could have told us.

Gabrielle:
Yeah. There's so many questions I wish I had asked her, about what this all means. You know what she said? She said that your karma and mine... they're intertwined.

Xena:
Well, maybe it's not the first time we've walked down this road, huh?

Gabrielle:
Maybe it won't be the last. How would I recognize you?

Xena:
We need a sign. This way, no matter how we look, we'll always remember the women we were. [She paints a cross on her foot] Like it?

Gabrielle:
I love it.

Gabrielle:
It's the latest rage in India. You know what they say: 'When in Rome... '

Xena:
Oh, please.

Gabrielle:
OK, different analogy. Uhm... when you want to fly with eagles...

Xena:
Don't dress like a turkey?

Gabrielle:
Do you want to go back for the horse? It's bound to be a collectors' item?

Xena:
Only if you're gonna pull it.

Gabrielle:
Nah.

Xena:
Beware Greeks bearing gifts, Paris.

Xena:
Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to you without a fair trial.

Callisto:
You know, there used to be a little respect mixed up in my hatred for you... but not anymore. Your petty scruples are embarrassing. As a villian, you were awesome. As a hero, you're a sentimental fool.

Callisto:
The sight, just the *sight*, of Xena, Warrior Princess arguing on *my* behalf amuses me, so let me tell you. Let me answer your question about what I'd do if you let me go. You let me go, and I'll dedicate my life to killing everything you love. Your friends, your family, your reputation - even your horse. I'm being so honest with you, because the idea of your pity is worse than death for me. You see, you created a monster with integrity, Xena. Scary, isn't it?

Gabrielle:
You know, she'll do anything for revenge.

Xena:
I don't blame her.

Gabrielle:
Uh, I do. When will this end? Look at Melas. I know that he's a good man, but, this hate is making him an obsessed killer. Somebody has to say no to this lust for revenge.

Xena:
That is so hard to do.

Gabrielle:
You did it! When your village was destroyed, you were infected with bloodlust. But you overcame it!

Xena:
I was lucky. I saw what I'd become, and I was able to turn around. But if something happened to Mother, or Hercules, or you, I might do just the same.

Gabrielle:
No... No, look, you promise me. If something happens to me, you will not become a monster. There's only one way to end this cycle of hatred, and it's through love, and forgiveness.

Xena:
Don't you go changing, Gabrielle. I like you just the way you are. Go get some sleep.

Gabrielle:
No, no, you promise me.

Xena:
I promise. Go, go on.

Callisto:
[Fighting Xena for the first time] I'm good! As good as you, and why not? You made me!

Xena:
[the two warrior women proceed to fight each other] It was you who shot me with that poison dart?

Callisto:
Yes, you see, it left me free to revive your reputation as a wanted killer of women and children.

Xena:
I never killed women and children!

Callisto:
Well, you have now! [They continue crossing swords]

Xena:
What did you when you said I made you?

Callisto:
Do you remember Cirra? [Callisto attacks Xena one more time before jumping on her horse and riding away]

Joxer:
I can't have you dying again and not have you know.

Gabrielle:
Know what?

Joxer:
Oh. Brother, I had this all worked out in my head and now...

Gabrielle:
Please, will you hurry? Please.

Joxer:
I love you. I'm in love with you.

Gabrielle:
I'm looking for my best friend, maybe you've seen her? Six foot tall, dark hair, lots of leather, fights like the Harpies in a bad mood.

Gabrielle:
[to Xena] I don't want to wind up some lonely, pathetic woman like... never mind.

Xena:
You call that a jump?

Gabrielle:
No! It was a frantic leap. Best I could do.

Xena:
Don't tell me that was HIM?

Gabrielle:
'Fraid so.

Xena:
Remind me to have a talk to you about your taste in men.

Gabrielle:
Do you want me to drive?

Xena:
Not on your life. Not on my life.

Xena:
I need someone to distract them.

Gabrielle:
I'm not very good at this horse thing!

Gabrielle:
My mother always wanted me to get married and have kids. And I remember telling her that I'd always be grateful for the way that she raised me, but she couldn't expect me to pay for that with my future.

Drunk:
*burps: Come on Blondie, tell me a story!

Eve:
Believe me. You don't want to make me angry.

Ares:
I guess I'm finally getting to you.

Xena:
You always got to me. But you were bad for me, Ares. You still are.

Ares:
Xena, is there even a chance we could be together one day? I don't know, maybe, you know... one in a thousand?

Xena:
More like one in a billion.

Ares:
So you're saying there is a chance.

Varia:
[as she observes an old scar on Eve's leg] That old scar's a bad one. Take a look at this. [Varia shows Eve a larger scar on her shoulder]

Eve:
Wow...

Varia:
A Roman short sword. The man who did it died before he had time to wipe his blade!

Eve:
Hmm... [Eve shows another scar left on her back] Gaelic spear. The man who did it, his entire regiment, his village and two neighboring villages; destroyed before the sun went down!

Eve:
The quiet after a tough battle...

Varia:
Yeah.

Eve:
Victory snatched from the jaws of defeat, death so close, then suddenly driven away! [pause] No, I don't miss it.

Varia:
Will you teach me some moves?

Eve:
Will you use them to hurt others?

Varia:
For defense only.

Eve:
Okay. [Cut to a scene where Varia uses one of Eve's fighting methods to fight an Amazon] Very good! You're a natural.

Varia:
Thanks! [pause] Come on. Show me another one!

Eve:
[sulks] No, I can't!

Varia:
Admit you enjoyed teaching me that.

Eve:
It was all right...

Varia:
Then one more. Your best move!

Eve:
Okay. Say you're being charged by two lines of infantry and you don't have the angle to flip over them? You do this! [Eve runs at Varia. She grabs Varia's shoulders and flips over her and does her battle yell; Eve lands, puts her foot on Varia's back and then throws Varia over her] See, that'll put you right through...

Varia:
[Varia suddenly holds her sword at Eve's throat] I've only seen one warrior do that move! I knew I recognized you from someplace! You're LIVIA, THE B*TCH OF ROME!

Pandora:
My name is Pandora.

Gabrielle:
Pandora. The one who opened the box?

Pandora:
That was my grandmother, but yes, I still carry the box.

Gabrielle:
[Nodding] The box. [pause] The box!

Nemos:
You Spoke of Pleasure?

Xena:
[Hits Him] And you spoke of pain.

Xena:
You're smarter than you look. Now, who's Gregor, and what's all this about?

Gabrielle:
[crying sound is heard] What's that? Is that a cat?

Xena:
[draws sword]

Gabrielle:
A big cat?

Xena:
Like a rock.

Xena:
If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already.

Xena:
And, because of you, fir the first time ever, there's peace between us and the Hor-... the Pomira.

Gabrielle:
I did all that?

Xena:
Mmhmm.

Gabrielle:
And they call you the hero? Hmm...

Xena:
Ya wanna switch? Fine, you kick butt, I'll take notes.

Xena:
[about to scalp Milo unless he abstains from scalping a child of the Horde] It's a lovely day for scalping.

Xena:
- I promise you, Toris, if you murder Cortese, you'll become what I was.

Toris:
I've seen you kill, Xena. What's the difference?

Xena:
Maybe it's just a difference in my head, but the pure evil of murder's it is premeditated - it is not in the heat of the battle, and it's not for self-defence - you have been planning this for years.

Gabrielle:
Xena, life is eternal. It has no beginning and no end. The loving friends we meet on our journey, return to us, time after time. We never die, because we were never really born.

Annie:
[to the tune of "Joxer the Mighty"] Annie, Banannie. She kicks fanny! Dangerous with sword and knife, Learned her skills in that past life! Never will you outfox her, She's as good as all Joxer! I'm Annie, I'm Annie the Mighty!

Gabrielle:
You've changed, Xena. Like this valley. Once it was a place full of death and violence. But now it's full of beauty and life. The same kind of change has happened to you.

Xena:
Oh, that's right. You're fated to rule the world. Do you really believe that?

Julius Caesar:
Of course. Each event in our life is part of a great plan. There are no accidents. Only destiny.

Xena:
And who shapes this destiny - the gods?

Julius Caesar:
Perhaps. Or it's the blood in our veins, our souls, our desires, our will. They're all in it, together, weaving a tapestry we call 'destiny'.

Xena:
Well, I can tell you one thing about your destiny: you're fated to have dinner in my cabin tonight.

Xena:
You'll be dead in thirty seconds. But know this: you won't be the last. Tell Hades to prepare himself. A new Xena is born tonight, with a new purpose in life: death.

Xena:
[To Gabrielle] If you can run, run. If you can't run, surrender, then run. If you're outnumbered, let them fight each other while you run....

Gabrielle:
You think you're man enough to test my blade? Do you? Your type are all cowards! I've met and defeated tens of hundreds of your type. So come on, make your move. Or are you waiting for me to make the first move? First mistake? Well that's your first mistake, waiting for my mistake, cause I don't make mistakes!

[attacks the log she's been talking to]

Xena:
The moment you pick up a sword you become a target. The moment you kill everything changes.

Xena:
[Glancing at her breast] What's the matter with you? You just seem... bigger.

Gabrielle:
No, I'm not. It's the mountain air. I feel motivated.

Xena:
You didn't hire a sorcerer to enhance your... motives... did you?

Storekeeper:
You don't don't look like a fighter. Sure...that's your strength. Like a beautiful seed in an eagle's dung.

Gabrielle:
Nice image...

Xena:
[Picks up Gabrielle's breast dagger] I'll keep this for the time being.

Gabrielle:
Ha, it's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough!

Gabrielle:
Take my word for it, I'm not the wifey type. I sleep late. I don't know a lick about housework. And look at these hips. No way.

Xena:
See how calm the surface of the water is. That was me once. And then... [throws stone in water] The water ripples and churns; that's what I became.

Gabrielle:
But if we sit here long enough it will go back to being still again. It will go back to being calm.

Xena:
But the stone's still under there. It's now part of the lake. It might look as it did before, but it's forever changed.

Gabrielle:
You would make a better Queen than I.

Chilapa:
But you have wisdom that I don't have.

Gabrielle:
There's a trick to that. When you need to make a decision, think of Ephiny. Do what she would do.

Amarice:
[thinking she must protect Gabrielle from Xena] What are you waiting for? Run! I'll hold her off!

Xena:
Oh, no! I surrender before Gabrielle.

Xena:
[after just having put "The Pinch" on Brutus] All right. You know the drill. 30 seconds, you die, no blood to the brain.

Gabrielle:
[as Brutus is being brought before Gabrielle] Hello, Brutus.

Brutus:
Gabrielle, they told me you were the new leader of this tribe...

Gabrielle:
[sarcastically] Thanks to you! You killed Ephiny! Our queen... [pause] My friend!

Brutus:
Ephiny, that was her name. One of the best fighters I've met. She died as a warrior. And for that, I have no guilt in my actions...

Xena:
[to Amarice] You know Amarice that wasn't your fault. If it wasn't for women like Ephiny, the Amazon nation would have died out a long time ago. [pause] But you and I and Gabrielle aren't gonna let that happen!

Julius Caesar:
[Brutus drops the sack Xena gave him at Caesar's feet. Caesar picks it up and looks inside, only to find Pompey's severed head] Pompey's changed his hairstyle. Too bad! [he and his guards chuckle]

Xena:
[while capturing Brutus by dragging him by rope on horseback] This one's for *you*, Ephiny! YAH!

Joxer:
Why didn't you love me, Gabrielle?

Gabrielle:
I do love you. It's just not the way that you want it, I guess. I wish I did.

Ares, God of War:
[to Xena] I would sooner die in your arms than live without you in mine.

Joxer:
Why is everybody telling me to think? I think, I just don't show it.

Eve:
Time to put you out of my misery.

Xena:
Listen to your heart.

Eve:
My heart is a traitor.

Eve:
Rome needs no mother.

Eve:
Eli's followers are vermin. They hide amongst true Romans, spreading like a sickness. If a few innocents must die to stop their heresy... so be it. And if it vexes Xena... so much the better!

Eve:
Good - the sheep are all here. Aren't you afraid of me? You think Eli's gonna save you? Glad you could make it, Xena. I hope you're not going to ruin my day with more of your excruciating mother-daughter platitudes.

Xena:
No. I'm done talking, Livia.

Gabrielle:
Your mother loves you.

Eve:
Then why is she trying to destroy me?

Gabrielle:
Xena wants to protect you. She won't fight you.

Eve:
Well, maybe she just hasn't been properly motivated.

[Livia puts a blade to Gabrielle's throat]

[Gabrielle has been turned into a demon]

Gabrielle:
Callisto... when Xena burned your family did you see them on fire? Did you... did you smell their flesh sizzling? Do you know what I think? You wanted them to die so you'd have a reason to be a b*tch.

Callisto:
Love is the way.

Gabrielle:
[singing] Well, listen to my story 'bout Gabrielle, cute little gal that's looking really swell. Perfect hair, such a lovely lass. Nice round breasts and a firm young...

Xena:
[slaps hand over Gabrielle's mouth] Are you out of your MIND?

Gabrielle:
Too loud? Are you afraid we're gonna get there and the fish will be gone?

Xena:
I'm afraid we're gonna get there and the fish will be ARMED.

Xena:
Come on, Gabrielle! Let's get WET! Come on, Gabrielle! Get your gear off!

Xena:
[to Joxer about Gabrielle] MONKEY MAN, YOU BRING HER BACK!

Gabrielle:
They say that the paintings of women in Aphrodite's temple represent her many phases, right? Well, based on this, I'd have to say that she's pretty full of herself!

Aphrodite:
[Aphrodite, unseen as a Goddess, walks over to Gabrielle] Oh, really? [Aphrodite blows the Obsession potion in her face]

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle looks into a mirror and stares at her reflection] Pretty!

Xena:
They've probably headed for Parnassus. The priest there is an expert astrologer. Who knows what *stupid* thing Aphrodite would want him to do with it? [Xena picks up a fish]

Aphrodite:
[unseen as a Goddess] Nice! Double dose for you, Warrior Babe!

Xena:
Hmm, a walleye.

Aphrodite:
Big mistake. You're *never* getting that smell off your hands now... [she blows the Obsession potion on Xena]

Xena:
I've got it! I know what to do! The North Star is on the verge of extinction. The fate of the whole world lies in our hands. We've got no choice. [pause] We're going fishing!

Gabrielle:
I'm in love with you?

Joxer:
Yes. Yes, you are.

Gabrielle:
I think I knew that.

Ares, God of War:
Pain is just nature's way of saying: "Hey! I'm alive!".

Gabrielle:
If you don't have the bad memories, you'll never know how good the good ones are, right?

Gabrielle:
There's something that I'm not getting. There's something you're not telling me.

Xena:
She reminds me a little bit of me.

Gabrielle:
Oh no. I knew you were evil, but you were obnoxious, too?

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle starts writing on her scroll; Tara throws her drink at her] Did you throw that?

Tara:
[smirks] Yeah!

Gabrielle:
What's your problem?

Tara:
Your face!

Gabrielle:
Then don't look at it!

Tara:
Xena! I'm here to replace Blondie!

Gabrielle:
[to Xena] Wonder girl took matters into her own hands again.

Tara:
Everything would have been fine if you just let go of my foot!

Gabrielle:
You would be dead if I didn't grab your foot!

Xena:
Oh, BOY!

Dorus:
[a young man pours water from it into a small bowl the Priest of Apollo holds] Worshippers of Apollo, you have come to this temple on this day of cleansing to be purified for past misdeeds. This blessing is of no worth if you leave here and once again soil your souls with willful and selfish acts, but if you truly desire to make a new start, the blessed Urn of Apollo will anoint you with the purity of hope. Please come forward...

[a man and woman step before him and kneel. He touches the water and rubs a small circle on their foreheads]

Dorus:
You are forgiven for past misdeeds. Now go and do good. You are forgiven for past misdeeds. Now go and do good.

[They leave and two thugs kneel. Dorus rubs the circle on Micah]

Dorus:
You are forgiven for past misdeeds. Now go and do good. You are...

Wayan:
[Wayan suddenly draws a dagger and holds it to Dorus' neck] You pour that stuff on my head and you're a dead man!

Micah:
Hold it right there! [he grabs the Urn of Apollo]

Dorus:
You're stealing the Urn of Apollo!

Wayan:
Very good!

Micah:
And who said priests were dumb?

Wayan:
[smirks] By the way... [he pours water on his hand] You're forgiven! [he punches Dorus. The thugs laugh and run out of the temple with the Urn of Apollo]

Gabrielle:
[after Tara beats her up and Xena breaks them apart] Xena, I'll understand, just this once if you're so angry, you wanna pummel her for a while...

Xena:
I'm not gonna do that.

Gabrielle:
WELL THEN HOLD HER WHILE I DO IT! [charges at Tara but Xena holds them both back again]

Tara:
You want some more, Blondie? Come on! Huh? Come on!

Xena:
[grabs Tara] You listen to me, little girl! I've got no interest in making a change. Blondie - Gabrielle, here, is my partner, and that's the way it's gonna stay! So, get lost, huh?

Tara:
But you don't know how valuable I could be to you!

Xena:
Take some advice, don't get in our way again, or next time you're gonna get a real beating!

Tara:
I know who stole Apollo's urn, the Red...

Xena:
-Valley Gang. They're the only bunch in the area who'd make a move like that. I'm not impressed.

Tara:
Well, I know where one of their hideouts is!

Xena:
How do you know that?

Tara:
I used to hang with some of them guys!

Gabrielle:
[touches her hurt ear] Figures!

Tara:
[looks at Gabrielle] Hey, look! I never said I was a goody-two-shoes, but I'm here to turn it around! I wanna be a hero and fight for good, protect wimps and kick the crap out of jerks. [pause] I know I could do it if somebody would just give me a chance! Come on! Let me just show you where their hideout is! [pause] I won't pick on your little buddy anymore!

Xena:
We don't need your help. [she and Gabrielle start to leave the tavern]

Tara:
I heard you were pretty bad once upon a time. [Xena stops] Somebody must have given you a chance to turn it all around. [watches as Xena leaves] What a crock!

Caswallawn:
Difficult times call for unique measures.

Xena:
Find a way to make him presentable, and then we'll leave.

Joxer:
Wait a minute. What did she mean, make you presentable?

Orpheus:
She doesn't want me to look like you

Xena:
This kid's going to change our lives completely.

Gabrielle:
Yeah. I'm gonna be more alert Xena. I'm worried about its safety.

Xena:
We do seem to find our share of trouble...

Hercules:
[Hercules suddenly enters with a stuffed hydra toy] Yeah, like the big trouble you found when you forgot to tell an old friend of yours you were about to have a baby!

Xena:
Hey old friend, did you hear that I'm about to have a baby?

Hercules:
Well, then I would say congratulations are in order! [he hugs Xena]

Xena:
Good to see ya!

Hercules:
Aw, it's good to see you! [to Gabrielle] And you! [pause] Wasn't your hair a little bit longer last time I saw you?

Gabrielle:
I was gonna ask you the same thing...

Hercules:
Xena, I would die before I'd let anyone hurt your child!

Xena:
It's the only way I know to get into Tartarus.

Gabrielle:
Are you all right?

Xena:
It's always going to be this way, isn't it? My child will always face an uphill battle to be happy.

Gabrielle:
Xena, your baby won't have to do it alone. You will always be there!

Xena:
I couldn't save my son...

Gabrielle:
Xena, that was not your fault. We both have regrets about Solan. This is going to be different! You and I will dedicate our lives to protect your baby. [pause] Come on, you can't fail!

Eve:
I can feel it... there's something evil here. Something's not right.

Gabrielle:
That's because you're standing next to the portal to hell.

[Virgil tries to fill Gabrielle's cup with more wine]

Gabrielle:
No, no, I've had enough!

Virgil:
Perhaps. But it would help us bridge a gap more easily since we last saw each other.

Gabrielle:
You mean it would make me drunk and loose.

Virgil:
No one understands my words better than you, Gabrielle.

Archangel Michael:
You dare talk of heaven, when you've besmirched so many souls with your nefarious filth?

Xena:
Besmirched... is that even a real word?

Xena:
You and I have much in common.

Lucifer:
Of course we do. You're a mortal female with a lying tongue, savage tendencies, and a blonde girlfriend. I'm a celibate archangel in the service of the Lord.

Eve:
The heart can betray but the sword never lies.

Xena:
Eve, sweetheart... if you can't stand the heat... then maybe you should get the hell out of my kitchen!

Eve:
Or stay and put out the fire.

[Gabrielle hits Eve on the head with a metal fish statue]

Gabrielle:
No one likes a party-pooper.

Xena:
[to Lucifer] You don't mind if I call Luci, do you?

Lucifer:
Red is definitely your color.

Virgil:
Come on ladies! I am ALL yours! [as he bumps into Eve with one girl on each arm] Get out of the way, Eve! [he laughs]

Gabrielle:
[after Xena failed to send Lucifer into the portal of Hell] You were supposed to throw him in the portal.

Xena:
Yeah? Well, he wasn't ready!

Gabrielle:
Xena, no one is *ready* to go to Hell. That's the point.

Xena:
Really? Well, you and Virgil were lookin' ready to burn not long ago!

Gabrielle:
[shrugs] Yeah? So what?

Xena:
[smiles] Evil, the dark side! It's intoxicating, isn't it?

Gabrielle:
Oh yeah, it's intoxicating!

Virgil:
[screams] Let's party!

Eve:
You may not be descending to Mephistopheles' throne voluntarily, but obviously it's coming up to claim its new queen...

Xena:
You mean its rightful ruler.

Gabrielle:
That would be you.

Xena:
Not if I can find someone else to take my place. [looks at Lucifer] Him.

Gabrielle:
You're gonna turn an archangel into the king of Hell?

Xena:
Oh, he's less of an angel than I am. He just doesn't know it yet!

Gabrielle:
So, how do you plan on making him *see* the light?

Xena:
[coolly] By showing him how much he's gonna *love* the dark!

Eve:
Eli says, "To corrupt another is to corrupt yourself..."

Xena:
Evie!

[She stands and leads Eve with her to look at Lucifer]

Xena:
Listen. Fruit rots from the inside out. It's not called corruption if you just peel away the layers to expose the rotten core.

[pause]

Xena:
That is, unless you want Mommy to go to Hell.

[Eve shakes her head]

Xena:
Well, then...

Eve:
[when Xena and her friends crashes the temple to party] Mother, your purpose will not be served by subjecting this temple or this town to further desecration!

Xena:
It's not desecration, Eve! We're just throwing a farewell bash for our celestial guest, assuming that he'll give us the pleasure.

Lucifer:
The pleasure's all mine, Xena; because the farewell I'll be celebrating is yours.

Gabrielle:
You should listen to your mother, Eve. She knows what she's doing.

Eve:
I wouldn't be so sure, Gabrielle! Not anymore.

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle shows Xena a long stick] It's a walking stick. It's very useful. You can walk with it, you can lean on it, if you need a rest and you can kill nasty little critters if you wanna lie down. Yeah. It's got a good feel!

Xena:
Let me look at this. [Xena takes the stick and shows off] Hmm... not bad!

Gabrielle:
Or you could that, yeah!

Xena:
[being caught in Amazon territory] We'd like safe passage through your hunting grounds.

Terreis:
My name is Terreis. You know the Amazon ways and yet, you're not one of us. [turns to Gabrielle] And you're *really* not one of us!

Gabrielle:
Hey, don't judge a scroll by its paper!

Xena:
[as Ephiny stares at Xena] Something about me you find interesting?

Ephiny:
Yes.

Xena:
Wanna tell me?

Ephiny:
No.

Xena:
Then stop starin' at me before I take your eyes out!

Xena:
Making war is simple. Making peace is never easy. If it was, everyone would do it.

Gabrielle:
[after unfortunate tongue-numbing incident] Theena hath jutht cut off the flow of blood to your brain.

Euryalus:
[choking] What?! What did you say?!

Gabrielle:
I thaid that Theena hath jutht cut off the flow of blood to your brain. Talk. Talk! Tell uth what you know!

Xena:
Gabrielle, come on. You're going to be fine! [Gabrielle starts convulsing. Her body is jerking uncontrollably]

Marmax:
What's happening?

Xena:
I don't know! Gabrielle!

Hippocrates:
[Gabrielle suddenly stops and lies still] [pause] She's dead.

Xena:
No, she is not dead. I wouldn't let her. [Xena starts stroking Gabrielle to wake her up] Come on, Gabrielle, wake up. Come on, wake up. Come on, wake up. You're scaring me, wake up! [Xena grabs Gabrielle and cradles her lifeless body] Gabrielle, breathe. Wake up and breathe!

Marmax:
[Over Gabrielle dying] Xena. [pause] Xena! It's time to stop now. Let her cross over peacefully...

Xena:
What do you know? You've killed so many!

Marmax:
So have you.

Hippocrates:
We'd like to observe your work.

Xena:
These people need care, not another pair of eyes gawking at them. You got a lot of customers. Get to work. It's too late for him, but there are others that can be saved. [pause] You need to separate out the ones that can be saved from the ones that can't.

Hippocrates:
How can we be sure?

Xena:
You need to choose.

Marmax:
[as Gabrielle changes his bandages] Tell me a story.

Gabrielle:
Okay. [pause] There was once this king, his name was Libarius. He was a brave warrior, a great hunter.

Marmax:
Ha, I like it already!

Gabrielle:
He was so proud of his hunting skills that he decided to test them in the sacred forest, of the great Goddess Artemis.

Marmax:
That sounds like a mistake.

Gabrielle:
She was so angry with him that she turned him into a deer.

Marmax:
He became the hunted; the worst thing that can happen to a great hunter!

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle smiles] That's what he thought at first. But then he became so fond of the peaceful ways of the deer, that he actually grew to love them. Of course, he still missed his friends and family, which made him very sad. So Artemis took pity on him, turned him back into his human form.

Marmax:
A happy ending. But what a nightmare, a warrior having to live the life of a deer.

Gabrielle:
Actually, it was the best thing that ever happened to him. He became a better king after the experience. A much happier man.

Marmax:
Why is that?

Gabrielle:
'Cause he learned the true secret of life is to find peace in yourself and to share it with the world.

Marmax:
It's a pretty story. Too bad it has nothing to do with real life.

Gabrielle:
[smiles] Life is only what you make of it.

Ephiny:
My husband was ripped apart by Mitoan hunting dogs, while your men watched and laughed!

Marmax:
This can't be...

Ephiny:
Phantes was once my sworn enemy. Then I learned forgiveness and from that I learned love. [pause] I just hope my child grows up to live in a world free from your blind hatred.

Marmax:
You despise me for this.

Ephiny:
I don't despise you, but you've got to think of the children! Is bloodshed all you want them to know?

Xena:
[as she treats the wounded Gabrielle] Keep that soldier awake. If he falls asleep, he may never wake up.

Galen:
She should have hit him an inch lower. She could have killed the monster.

Xena:
She knew that, that's why he's still alive.

Marmax:
Are you telling me that she'd rather die than take the life of a man she doesn't even know?

Marmax:
Gabrielle lives by her own code. That code doesn't include killing.

Xena:
[as she moves over to Gabrielle's unconscious body] Gabrielle, you know, if I could do it all over again, I'd take the southern route. [sadly] I'm so sorry!

Marmax:
She may well pull through...

Xena:
You were right, I shouldn't have brought her here...

Marmax:
I guess we all make mistakes...

Xena:
My pride may have killed my best friend.

Gabrielle:
I can't bear to think of all the innocents who suffer because of this madness! Someone has to stop it. Come on, Xena, not even you can stop an entire war! [Xena raises her head] All right! Well look, I did not mean that as a challenge...

Xena:
Stay here with Ephiny.

Gabrielle:
What are- what are you going to do?

Xena:
I'm gonna find a safe place for Ephiny to have her baby. [pause] And then I'm gonna stop this war. [Xena walks away]

Gabrielle:
[whispers loudly] I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut!

Xena:
[while Gabrielle is riding on Argo with a swollen ankle] No, you are *not* getting off. Your ankle's too swollen...

Gabrielle:
I'm telling you, Xena, this sprain is not half as bad as the last one...

Xena:
The less you're on it, the faster it'll heal. Besides, when we hook up with Joxer, we'll stop and make camp. It's not like him to be late.

Gabrielle:
What do to want to bet that he stopped to watch the paint dry or the grass grow and he completely forgot...

Xena:
Huh?

Gabrielle:
Hmm? [pause] Believe me, I know Joxer almost as well as I know you.

Xena:
And how well is that?

Gabrielle:
Well, enough to know what you're thinking most of the time. Like right now, you're thinking, "She thinks she knows me, huh? We'll see about that!"

Xena:
Easy guess!

Gabrielle:
Okay. Now you're thinking, "Oh, wait, I haven't thought of anything yet!" Right?

Xena:
And what am I thinking now? [she smirks and looks over at Gabrielle]

Gabrielle:
You wouldn't dare, not to an injured woman!

Leo:
[Two thugs hold Joxer while Leo beats him. He is battered, bruised and bleeding] For the last time, where's Pop's money? [Joxer doesn't answer; Leo draws his sword] So long, Mr. Lucky!

Gabrielle:
[Xena uses her whip to disarm Leo; he and his gang run away. Gabrielle limps off Argo and checks the beaten, near-dead Joxer. She then looks up to Xena with a worried look] Is he...?

Xena:
If we can treat him and get him to someplace safe, he stands a chance... [pause] Which is more than I can say for the men who did this to him!

Xena:
Never step between two people and their passion.

Eve:
I'll make you wish I'd never been born.

Xena:
You are my daughter. When the gods find out ...

Eve:
Shut up! You are not my mother. Rome is my mother.

Xena:
Eve. I know you're angry. Give us time.

Eve:
Our time ran out 25 years ago.

Xena:
I will never give up on you, Eve, never!

Eve:
[shouts] I'm Livia!

Ares - God of War:
For 25 years, I thought Xena was dead. And now she shows up, not one day older. I had to kiss her... Make sure she was real, not an impostor.

Livia:
You're telling me that you had to kiss her to I.D. her?

Joxer:
[about his name] That's spelled with an X... The X is for 'extra super sexy'.

Ares, God of War:
[to Xena's dead body, about him, Xena and Gabrielle] You're with her now. I handled you all wrong. I know that. She knew what you needed -unconditional and unselfish love... And I couldn't give that to you. But I appreciated you in ways she never could: Your rage... Your violence... Your beauty. When you sacrificed yourself for others, you were hers... But when you kicked ass, you were mine. I love you, Xena.

Ramius:
This isn't just any scroll... [pause] No, my friends, I have in my hand, the last known scroll transcribed by the Bard of Poteidaia herself! [Joxer suddenly turns around to Ramius; viewers see that he's now an old man] It describes, in breathtaking detail, the final adventure of Xena, the legendary Warrior Princess, who dared to defy the Gods!

Joxer:
[Joxer takes the scroll and observes it] Let's see! [he keeps reading] This is Gabrielle's handwriting. This is real!

Ramius:
Ah, sure it is!

Joxer:
"Bard of Poteidaia." You know, I - I knew her. You know, she was a friend of mine. [pause] Xena was my friend too.

Inebriated Patron:
[laughs] Xena was my housemaid!

Ramius:
Well friend, we'd best cut you off. What say I start the bidding at...

Inebriated Patron:
Ten dinars!

Patron #2:
Twenty dinars!

Joxer:
Cover your tab!

Inebriated Patron:
You should talk, Joxer, ya deadbeat! Thirty!

Patron #2:
Thirty-five dinar!

Joxer:
[Joxer tosses a bag full of change on a table] Sixty-five dinars! [pause] SOLD! [Joxer takes the scroll and leaves the tavern]

Ramius:
[shocked] Sixty-five dinars?

Gabrielle:
[sings] Hush now, my little one. Please don't you cry... [Gabrielle hums and then stops; she whispers to baby Eve] One day you'll have your own horse.

Celesta:
By holding me here, you're condemning to eternal suffering those who would otherwise find their peace.

Xena:
Lady, since we last met I've decided you cause a lot more suffering than you end.

Celesta:
Death is nothing to fear Xena, for I only visit those whose rightful time is...

Xena:
Rightful time? [pause] Who decides when it's the rightful time? You are at the beck and call of every warlord and murderer. [pause] Solan, my only son... his rightful time came when someone else decided it should and you came running, no questions asked! You didn't end the suffering of my little boy, Celesta... [pause] You stole his life! And Marcus, and Lyceus...

Celesta:
Your brother...

Gabrielle:
Xena...

Xena:
Lyceus. Lyceus! He wasn't just a brother he was my best friend. You know, growing up, he was everything to me. He accepted me for who and what I was. And if you hadn't taken him, he would have grown up to be something...

Gabrielle:
Xena, don't do this.

Xena:
[crying] What?

Gabrielle:
She's immortal! She'll never understand the pain of losing someone!

Xena:
Yes she will. Yes she will... [to Celesta] 'Cause you have a brother, too.

Celesta:
Yes, Hades. He's my only family, the first to accept me for who and what I am. [pause] I may not agree with his recent actions, Xena, but I believe he thinks he's doing what is right. He's always been true to his convictions and, sometimes that makes him a little stubborn, but I believe it is his noblest quality. To lose him, is, unthinkable. [she starts crying]

Xena:
And what if he lost you? What would he say about that?

Celesta:
[cries] I may never know!

Xena:
[as Xena wipes her tears away] Death can end suffering, Celesta. [pause] Suffering just begins for those left behind.

Theon:
[Old Joxer sits inside his barn with a scroll. His young son and daughter come running in] Is that a story about the harpies, Daddy?

Kara:
What is it? What is it?

Joxer:
No. It's, uh, it's, um, well, it's a story about a beautiful warrior princess. [looks at his kids] Wanna hear a story about a beautiful warrior princess? [his kids gather around and nod eagerly] Okay. Okay... [Joxer clears his throat and then reads the scroll] "Her, uh, her celebrations at Thebes in Egypt were cut short because Xena, the mighty warrior princess, fought both night and day for the life of her newborn child as she continued to sing the rage of her Olympian foes. [pause] Their ceaseless battles finally drove her to the Fates in search of answers...

Joxer:
[Old Joxer continues to read Gabrielle's scroll that revealed Xena's and Gabrielle's fight with Athena and Hades] "After narrowly escaping with our lives, we took shelter for the night in the company of Octavius, the new leader of the Roman army and a new ally unknown to the Gods."

Kara:
[Old Joxer is finished reading Gabrielle's scroll to his kids] What happened, Daddy?

Joxer:
Uh, well it's the end of the scroll, Pumpkin, but it's not the end of the story.

Theon:
How do you know?

Joxer:
Because I was there...

Xena:
[Flashback to younger Joxer as he watches Xena and Gabrielle from the woods; they are seen running away towards a beach on carriage with horses. Presumably, the baby Eve is inside the wagon. Athena's archers line up and fire at the wagon. Xena ducks the arrows as Athena appears. Xena rides the wagon through the archers; they retreat. Xena rides the wagon to the cliff, which looks down over the beach and the ocean. She turns and rides along the edge of the cliff] Come on! [Athena's archers are shown lining up near the cliff prepared to fire] Gabrielle! [Gabrielle throws her sais and kills two of Athena's archers. The rest of the archers regroup and form a line in front of the wagon] Whoa! [as the remaining archer's fire, Xena stops the wagon and throws her chakram, knocking out the archers. Athena draws her sword and raises it over her head. It forms a fireball which hits the wagon and detaches the horses from the wagon] GABRIELLE! [Gabrielle is seemingly struck by Athena's fireball and falls backward on the wagon]

Athena:
It ends now!

Xena:
Gabrielle! [Athena raises her sword, Hephaestus lifts his hammer and Hades is shown raising his hand. Athena throws her sword, Hephaestus throws his hammer and Hades shoots a green bolt; their powers hit the wagon and seemingly annihilates it, sending the wreckage off the ocean cliff and throwing Xena and Gabrielle out on the sand. Xena rises up from the crash and examines the seemingly dead Gabrielle] Gabrielle? [Gabrielle appears to be dead. Xena walks over to the wagon for baby Eve but the wagon is engulfed in flames] Eve? Eve? Eve? [Xena starts to sob] EVE? Oh!

Athena:
[Athena examines the crash] The prophecy has been shattered.

Xena:
[screams] NO!

Joxer:
[Joxer watches Xena from the woods] Oh, no...

Xena:
[Xena moves to the presumed dead Gabrielle] Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Oh Gabrielle! [Xena rolls Gabrielle over and holds her. She starts to cry]

Joxer:
Oh, Gods!

Xena:
[Xena sobs and stands as she faces the Gods] Each to his own. [Xena unshields her sword and places it at her chest] YOU TO YOURS AND ME TO MINE!

Ares, God of War:
[as Xena tries to stab herself, Ares appears and takes her sword away from her] No, Xena! Don't... [Xena takes out a tiny bottle and drinks what it appears to be poison]

Xena:
Ares... you can't stop me this time.

Ares, God of War:
No...

Xena:
It's over. It's over. [pause] Join your family. Tell them it's a package deal. They get me, too! [Xena looks as she's dead as Ares holds her lifeless body]

Joxer:
[as young Joxer falls to his knees to the wreckage, Octavius rides in with Romans] Unbelievable. Where are they? Joxer, good to see you again. Where's Xena and Gabrielle?

Joxer:
Octavius, they're gone. I saw the whole thing but I was too far away. I couldn't help them...

Octavius:
Joxer, they're *not* dead!

Joxer:
[shocked] What? What? [Octavius motions with his hand and a soldier comes over with baby Eve; she's alive and did not die in the crash. Octavius takes her and holds her in front of Joxer] Eve. It can't be. Eve?

Theon:
[Old Joxer is then seen again in front of his children] Dad, how was Eve alive?

Joxer:
Okay, okay. Remember back. What did the Fates tell Xena?

Kara:
That she had to die to save Eve?

Joxer:
That's right. But remember, you can't take what the Fates say literally. They said, "Only...

Clotho:
[in a flashback with Xena talking to the Fates] Only in the essence of death will the child find salvation and the Twilight be set in motion.

Joxer:
You see, Xena never intended to kill death at all. It was Celesta's tears she really needed. The essence of Death... [pause] The only thing Xena realized that could simulate the appearance of their deaths to the Gods, but only after convincing the Gods that Eve had also been killed.

Theon:
But, Eve was in...

Joxer:
Eve was in the wagon. [flashback to younger Joxer with Octavius] Eve was in that cart.

Octavius:
No, Joxer.

Joxer:
[flashback with Octavius leaving with Eve. Xena places a false Eve in the basket] Eve was safe. The tears were collected. Next, release Celesta without it looking suspicious. [pause] Gabrielle got captured on purpose. Trying to rescue me made her capture look like it was unplanned. Gabrielle revealed Xena's location. [pause] The rest of the plan played out. [pause] The Gods assumed Xena and her child were inseparable. My guess, my hope, was that Gabrielle drank the tears first. [pause] From that point, all they had to do was put on a convincing show. [pause] To the Gods, Gabrielle was killed in the crash, Eve was dead; -consumed in the burning wreckage. [pause] And even if they weren't completely convinced, what better way to solve that problem than by Xena taking her own life? [pause] The effect of the tears would soon wear off with Xena, Eve and Gabrielle presumed dead by all of Olympus, the perfect cover. The perfect advantage.

Xena:
You just have to have faith.

Cecrops:
Faith?! Faith has killed more people than war!

Gabrielle:
There's some bad slouvaki going around, so stay away from the slouvaki.

Callisto:
[Hunting down the children] Oh come now this won't hurt... much.

Xena:
What makes you think we can trust this child?

Gabrielle:
What makes you think that we can't? [pause] Xena, she gave us Callisto's plan.

Xena:
Exactly! Callisto wouldn't tell her anything she didn't want us to hear. The child's probably a pawn or worse!

Gabrielle:
That is not true! Xena, you were always so quick to blame her, weren't you? Well, she is not evil! She's NOT!

Xena:
[shocked] Hope? The child is Hope?

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle nods] I'm sorry. I never meant to lie. Xena, I couldn't kill her. She's my daughter. You're a mother, you know this! I had to save her.

Xena:
Maybe it's not too late. She's young; poison'll kill her if her powers aren't mature.

Gabrielle:
Poison? XENA, SHE IS MY CHILD!

Xena:
She is NOT a child! She is a body, a vessel, an instrument for evil, THAT IS ALL!

Gabrielle:
YOU ARE WRONG! [pause] Xena, Hope is the victim here! That is why I sent her to Kaleipus' hut, so she would be safe from Callisto...

Xena:
[pause] You sent her to Kaleipus' hut? [Xena frantically runs to the hut where Solon was left in]

Callisto:
Hurts, doesn't it? Losing your family. Rips out your heart, your guts, your feelings. All that's left is the pain, right? [pause] Welcome to the club. [Callisto fires a bolt at Xena]

Callisto:
[as Xena draws her sword on her] Really, Xena? Is that any way to greet an old friend? [pause] Especially considering the warm welcome I just gave you!

Solan:
[crying about Kaleipus' death] Like my father... [pause]... and my mom. [Xena glances at him] But why does everyone I love die? [pause] Is it me?

Xena:
[quietly] No, no! Of course not...

Solan:
Then why are they dead? Everyone who ever loved me?

Xena:
They're not! You still have me- [Xena stops herself as Solan looks at her]... many, many friends. And they've all said how much they love you and want you to come and live with them...

Solan:
But I don't want to. [pause] I want to live with you.

Xena:
[whispers] What?

Solan:
I won't be any trouble, I promise. I'll catch my own food and keep up. And I'm hardly ever sick...

Xena:
Solan, I don't think...

Solan:
Please! My uncle always said if anything happened to him, you'd be there for me.

Xena:
And he was right. But all your ties are here. Don't you wanna be with someone that you know, someone that you care about?

Solan:
Yes, you! [pause] You said we were friends and real friends are like family, right?

Xena:
[smiles happily] Like family!

Solan:
Then take me with you, please? [pause] Don't leave me!

Xena:
[starts crying] When all this is over, you be packed and ready to go. We've got a lot to talk about. We might as well do it on the road... [she leaves Kaleipus' hut]

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle purchases some goods from a seller in a shopping hut] Thanks... [Gabrielle bumps into Hope who is holding a wooden lamb toy; Hope drops it and Gabrielle picks it up] Where did you get this?

Hope:
I didn't steal it! It's mine. It's always been mine! [pause] The people who found me said so...

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle looks at her showing confusion] Found you?

Hope:
They said it was in the basket with me. All's I remember is lots of water, me crying for my mom... [pause] But she never came.

Ephiny:
[yelling from outside] Gabrielle? [pause] Gabrielle! Xena says to hurry; they're ready to go- [Ephiny notices Gabrielle's distraught face; she looks over at Hope] Is there something wrong?

Gabrielle:
[to Ephiny] No. No, I'll be right there. [Ephiny leaves the hut. Gabrielle, now realizing that the little girl she ran into is her daughter, Hope, talks to her] Look, um, there's something that I have to do, here. So, I want you to do a favor for me, okay? I want you to wait in my hut 'til I get back. And this way, I - I'll know you're safe...

Hope:
[pretending to be distressed] Don't see why *you* care...

Gabrielle:
You will! [pause] Do you promise?

Hope:
I promise.

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle is filled with emotion] Bye! [she quickly leaves the hut]

Hope:
Bye-bye... [pause] Mommy!

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle barges into her hut. She's frantically looking for Hope, who's going by the name Fayla] FAYLA! [Gabrielle looks around and throws her staff near her, covering her face with her hands; Fayla then enters the hut. Gabrielle grabs her] Where have you been? I have been looking all over for you! You said that you would wait here, remember?

Hope:
[Hope starts to cry] I'm sorry, but she wouldn't let me! I tried to get away, but she-!

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle hugs her] Who? Who... Callisto?

Hope:
[whispers] Yeah. [pause] I have this power... to move things. I don't know why. She says it's 'cause I'm... evil.

Gabrielle:
That is a lie. You are not evil. Never believe that!

Hope:
My mother thought so. She tried to drown me in a basket. [pause] She wanted me dead.

Gabrielle:
She wasn't trying to drown you. She was trying to save your life...

Hope:
YOU WEREN'T THERE! YOU DON'T KNOW!

Gabrielle:
[starts to sob] I do! [pause] The basket is all there was. I - I had to put you in it or I had to watch you be killed. Now, I had no choice, I LOVED you!

Hope:
[smiles] You... you loved me?

Gabrielle:
I - I prayed that the Gods would protect you, and they did. They brought you home.

Hope:
[they hug] We have to go! I'm sorry, Mommy, it was me; I helped Callisto get out. And now she's coming for the kids. We have to go! Come on, hurry! [Hope starts to leave, but Gabrielle grabs her arm]

Gabrielle:
No. Wait, wait. Xena has to know this.

Hope:
No, Xena hates me!

Gabrielle:
She doesn't hate you. She just doesn't understand. Now, she will see what I've known all along, that you can fight your dark side, just like her!

Hope:
But I'm scared! If Callisto finds out I told, she'll kill me, SHE WILL!

Gabrielle:
She will not find out! [pause] I will take you to the safest place there is until we can go. Okay?

Hope:
[smiles] The safest place? You promise?

Gabrielle:
I cross my heart. Don't be afraid okay? Now, come with me. Let's go. [Gabrielle leads Hope out of her hut]

Callisto:
[as Xena fights Callisto in the cave] You'll trap us both! That's your plan, to trap me here while my pain keeps growing and growing and you die and yours ends!

Xena:
You're wrong, Callisto! You let your pain kill you years ago... I'm gonna live with mine! [Xena escapes and Callisto screams as the cave crumbles on top of her]

Callisto:
[Callisto enters the Ixion caves looking for Hope] Hope? [whispers] Hope? Are you here? [she finds Hope on the ground, weak from killing Kaleipus] Hope! What's happened?

Hope:
Uh, that half-assed old man! He caught me coming for Solan.

Xena:
[to Gabrielle] You lied to me. I trusted you and you lied to me. [pause] And now Solan is dead. [another pause] My son is dead... because of you.

Ares, God of War:
[after Xena shot him with an arrow and is now being tied up] You shot me! I'm the God of War! Nobody shoots the God of War!

Athena:
[shocked] So... you can kill Gods.

Xena:
How does it feel to *smell* your own mortality? You know there's nothing more pathetic than a dead God! [pause] So do yourselves a favor, don't follow us!

Gabrielle:
[shocked after Xena killed three of the Gods] Xena, you can kill Gods! How is that possible?

Xena:
While Eve was being initiated, I was visited by a spirit. He said that Eve's cleansing, gave me the power to kill Gods.

Gabrielle:
What do you mean? What kind of spirit?

Xena:
It was sent by the Archangel Michael.

Gabrielle:
Michael?

Xena:
He said that Eve would prepare the way for the rule of the God of Love.

Gabrielle:
And you're to protect her?

Xena:
I was chosen as the Mother of the Messenger... [pause] As long as Eve lives I have the power to kill Gods.

Hades:
How did you THINK it would end?

Eve:
[as the baptist stares at her] What are you looking at?

John the Baptist:
Suffering. Horrible suffering!

Eve:
[the baptist holds out his hand and Eve moves to him. He puts his hand on her shoulder and moves her to the ocean. They both kneel] I should die for my deeds!

John the Baptist:
You're right. [pause] You must die to the things of the flesh... [he puts water on her head]... and be reborn to the way of love.

John the Baptist:
[as the baptist stares at her] What are you looking at?

Shepherd:
Suffering. Horrible suffering!

John the Baptist:
[the baptist holds out his hand and Eve moves to him. He puts his hand on her shoulder and moves her to the ocean. They both kneel] I should die for my deeds!

Shepherd:
You're right. [pause] You must die to the things of the flesh... [he puts water on her head]... and be reborn to the way of love.

Xena:
My grandmother used to sit in this chair and rock and tell me stories of the Olympian gods.

Ares:
Bet she didn't know you'd grow up to kill most of them.

Xena:
Who are you?

Zeke:
[caught off guard] They call me "Battling Zeke."

Xena:
[with a little half-smile] Nobody ever called you that, you just made that up. But unless you want to be known as "dead Zeke," you'll be moving on.

Xena:
Ares, you've gotta do something that no one would ever suspect of you.

Ares:
Like what?

Xena:
How are you at shovelin' sh*t?

Ares:
[caught in a "sandwich" in bed between Xena and Gabrielle] I'm in Tartarus!

Gabrielle:
We're all gonna die eventually.

Xena:
Not today!

Xena:
How I feel about you doesn't matter. It's you who has to live with yourself.

Gabrielle:
A long time ago, I accepted the consequences of our life together. That it might one day come to this. It has. I'm not afraid.

Xena:
You've always said that I was the brave one. Look at you now. If this is to be our destiny, let's see it out together. Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you.

Ares, God of War:
[Ares hasn't appeared yet but his voice sounds] Xena, tell me, Xena: have you heard the story of the scorpion and the swan?

Xena:
You haven't even got the guts to face me.

Ares, God of War:
See, the scorpion needs to get across the river, and he asks the swan for a ride. And the swan figures: 'It's not much of a risk. The scorpion wouldn't sting the creature who's carrying him over the raging river.'

Xena:
My daughter's about to die because of you, and you're feeding me fairy tales?

Ares, God of War:
[He appears behind Xena and starts touching her] Bear with me, it's worth the wait. So, about halfway across, the scorpion tings the swan, and as they're both being swept to their death, the swan asks the scorpion: 'I was helping you. Why did you sting me?' And the scorpion answers...

Xena:
'It's what I do.'

Ares, God of War:
Yeah, it's what I do.

Ares, God of War:
Hey, can I help it if I've played this like the malevolent genius I am? Remember what the scorpion said.

Xena:
Ares, the scorpion drowned.

Varia:
This woman has pleaded guilty to her crimes. Even she admits she can never do enough good to erase the evil that she has done, and yet, she's willing to keep trying. As queen of the Amazon nation, I hereby sentence Livia, killer of the Amazons, to death... So that Eve, the messenger of peace, may live.

Gabrielle:
You're not much for girl talk, are ya?

[Xena draws her sword]

Gabrielle:
Of course, you're not like most girls.

Hercules:
[about Iolaus] He's strong of heart and hard of head.

Gabrielle:
Once, a long, long time ago, all people had four legs and two heads. And then the gods threw down thunderbolts, and split everyone into two. Each half then had two legs and one head. But the separation left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited. Because they each shared the same soul. And ever since then, all people spend their lives searching for the other half of their soul.

[after Xena is dropped out of the sky and into the arms of Hercules]

Hercules:
Nice of you to drop in.

[first lines]

Gabrielle:
[in voiceover with quill to parchment] It was the kind of night where you could feel time flow over you like the amnesiatic waters of the river Styx. [crumples parchment] That is terrible. 'Amnesiatic', I don't think that's a word.

Aphrodite:
[materializing behind Gabrielle] Boo!

Gabrielle:
Aphrodite?

Aphrodite:
Can't sleep, huh?

Gabrielle:
You scared me.

Aphrodite:
Sorry, I didn't know I had to *knock* in my own temple.

Gabrielle:
You don't, but can you just keep it down, I don't want to wake Xena.

Aphrodite:
Pregnant girl need her rest, huh? I remember when Cupid was on his way...

Gabrielle:
Uh, doesn't a god of your obvious stature have anything better to do than hang out here in the middle of the night?

Aphrodite:
Owwie. What's with the attitude? I let you sleep in my temple. I show real concern for your insomnia, and you treat me like I'm a rash where the sun don't shine.

Aphrodite:
So you shrunk her horse, big deal. Everybody shrinks as they get older. That's why old people are so short.

Gabrielle:
Now that's very constructive. What are you writing?

Aphrodite:
Patient is hostile and insecure, possibly masking some latent tendencies.

Gabrielle:
This is stupid.

Aphrodite:
No, I'm sorry. Look. No more scroll, alright?

Gabrielle:
Latent tendencies? Where did you learn to talk like that?

Aphrodite:
Honey, don't let the blonde hair fool you. Although bombastic forms of circumlocution should be generally avoided, one mustn't shy away from big words in the right context.

Gabrielle:
What?

Xena:
Joxer, never pie a pregnant woman.

[last lines]

Xena:
You know, I gotta tell ya, I am feeling a whole lot better. I mean, life's pretty sweet for me right now. I've got no cooking, no cleaning, and back rubs for a month.

Gabrielle:
Technically, you didn't lose your temper, but Xena, I saw you throwing pies in a less than loving manner.

Joxer:
*Much* less.

Xena:
Oh?

Joxer:
Uh, uh, loving.

Xena:
Yep, loving. That's me. [pie hits her in the face] Who threw that pie?

Callisto:
I never drink intoxicants, Theodorus. I like to experience life in all its agonizing glory. I don't want to dull the sensation for a second.

Xena:
[Praying for Gabrielle] If anyone is listening, you know I'm not much for praying, but I don't know what else to do. I was ready to give up once, and Gabrielle came into my life. Please, don't let that light that shines on her face go out. I couldn't stand the darkness that would follow.

Callisto:
[Xena and Callisto have fallen into quick sound] We're both going to die Xena!... How wonderful, we can spend the rest of eternity in Tartarus together.

Xena:
...Always the optimist.

Callisto:
You're not falling in love with me, are you?

Theodorus:
...Well what if I was?

Callisto:
I'd have to kill you.

Callisto:
I say, before I kill you, I'm going to make you squeal like a pig, you fat pathetic piece of dung.

Callisto:
Love is a trick that nature plays to get us to reproduce.

Lord Erick:
[Looking at Gabrielle] The lady of the ring. The legend of your beauty does you no justice. Your destiny has arrived. I have come to save you.

Beowulf:
Lord Erick! My lord, this is madness. You cannot penetrate the ring of fire. Only Gabrielle's soulmate can pass through the flames. All other flesh is doomed. [He shows his burnt left hand]

Beowulf:
I will return, Gabrielle. I promise you.

Xena:
What's the matter with your men? They look like they've seen a ghost.

Wiglaf:
No, not a ghost: a legend. All these men can talk of is a chance to see you in action. To tell you the truth, I'm...

Beowulf:
...about to go and polish your blade. Is that right, Wiglaf?

Wiglaf:
Fine, send me away.

Xena:
I could have done so much good for the Viking people.

Beowulf:
The Xena I remember could do more good with this sword than a hundred Viking queens could ever do. And the Xena I remember could never forget what happened in that swamp, the face of Gabrielle, the most loyal friend in the world.

Xena:
I remember none of these things.

Beowulf:
You may not remember them, but they are inside you.

Wiglaf:
That's what Vikings do! Fighting gives our lives meaning!

Xena:
Fighting gives your lives meaning. Do you have any idea how stupid that is?

Beowulf:
Yeah? Well, it didn't sound stupid when it came from you.

Xena:
From me?

Beowulf:
Long ago it was Xena who first taught Odin to embrace violence and bloodlust.

Xena:
Well, if that is true then I know I am not this Xena.

Odin:
Do you know who I am?

Xena:
She said your name is Odin, but I don't know you from your horse.

Xena:
[to the vision of Gabrielle] Are you a demon? Or my own mind made mad?

Gabrielle:
[as a vision] I am the truth of who you are. Our souls are united, Xena.

Beowulf:
Xena? Xena, are you all right?

Xena:
Yes. This Gabrielle truly loved Xena, didn't she?

Beowulf:
And will till the end of time. Gabrielle saved you from what you were, as you must now save her.

Beowulf:
I've heard the men talking. They say that Xena created this monster that awaits us.

Beowulf:
Grinhilda.

Xena:
It's true, then.

Beowulf:
I have waited a long time to return this to you. [He gives to Xena her chakram]

Xena:
What's it for?

Beowulf:
You'll know. When the time comes, you'll know.

Brunnhilda:
[as the flame] Xena, Xena. The love in your heart burns stronger than any flame. You belong together, Xena.

Gabrielle:
I dreamed you'd come back for me.

Xena:
It was like I was in a dream, too. I forgot everything. But even though I didn't remember you, I felt your presence, and knew that I would never be complete unless those shadows were brought into the light. Beowulf!

Brunnhilda:
Xena... The ring.

Gabrielle:
The ring. Xena, don't put it on again.

Xena:
[to Monster Grinhilda] I forged this ring. Now I have to use it to undo the evil it has caused. Grinhilda, listen to me. You weren't always this way. It was my actions that turned you into this beast. Grinhilda, I put the evil into this ring. I can undo it, too, if only...! Grinhilda, you must listen to me. Grinhilda, look inside your heart. Find the woman you once were. Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.

Xena:
That's right. Beowulf, I'll always be indebted to you for bringing me back here.

Beowulf:
Hey, I needed the best. The legends didn't lie, Xena, you are the greatest warrior I've ever known.

Gabrielle:
Thank you.

Beowulf:
I'll miss you.

Gabrielle:
You have a good heart, Beowulf. If it weren't for you, I'd still be in Brunhilda's flame.

Beowulf:
I think we both know Xena would have found you eventually.

Beowulf:
[the woman he loves, Gabrielle, has just left] Not a word, Wiglaf... Not a word.

Xena:
Thirty-five years ago... The shame of it makes if feel like it was yesterday.

Gabrielle:
Memories are powerful, Xena. I'm so thankful that yours brought you back to me.

Xena:
But there's one that's still troubling me.

First Rhein Maiden:
What magic has made Xena into such a noble creature, that she would give up the power of the Rheingold?

Xena:
[Looking at Gabrielle] It wasn't magic.

Callisto:
Welcome to my world... now get ready to leave it.

Callisto:
[as Xena thrusts a sword through her] Ouch! Don't do that!

Callisto:
[appears in a hidden cave] Oh, Xena, come on! I know you're here. Still trying to stop me, even though I'm doing you a favor...

Xena:
[Xena flips down over to Callisto] You can do me a favor by handing over Hope!

Callisto:
Oh, you figured it out, did you? Well, no can do! She's not quite up to snuff at the moment. She's cocooned, helpless. She needs her Auntie Callisto. And you would just run her through...

Xena:
That's the idea!

Callisto:
Yeah, well, I can't let it happen! See, I have plans for her. Big plans!

Xena:
[Xena draws her sword] Well, forget about them! [Callisto draws her sword] And hand over that monster! [Xena charges at Callisto and they fight]

Werfner:
[hiding in Ares' castle near Corinth] We thought this place was safe! You told us it was!

Ares, God of War:
No, *safe* was not the word I used. When Xena starts to move, nothing is *safe*!

Xena:
[knifing Callisto] No more living for you.

Callisto:
[as Gabrielle is reunited with her murderous daughter] Oh, mother and child reunion... I'm all misty eyed.

Xena:
It's strange... The one I love most in all the world and the one I hate look exactly the same.

Xena:
Let me guess: things didn't work out with Hope quite the way you expected.

Callisto:
No, actually the sight of her and Ares rolling around like weasels made me sick.

Gabrielle:
Hope and Ares?

Callisto:
Oh yes, Gabrielle, it seems your daughter is in heat.

Gabrielle:
[about Callisto] Remember what you said about staying focused? You're letting your anger get in the way here, Xena. It's best if we let her help us.

Xena:
Then just one thing. When I'm gone, I don't want you to feel any guilt.

Gabrielle:
Xena...

Xena:
Listen to me. A lot's happened to us over the past year, and there were times when we were both very confused. But I want you to know that I still think you are the best thing that ever happened to me. You gave my life meaning and joy, and you will be a part of me forever. Ready?

Callisto:
Try not to die before doing me first, or I'll make Gabrielle wish you had. How's that for incentive.

Callisto:
I never thought I'd feel so good again! Seeing poor, dear Gabrielle sacrifice herself makes it all worthwhile. It finally gives me a reason for living, and I have you to thank for it, Xena! [Angry Xena kills her]

Hope:
[hiding in Ares' temple] A temple to a lesser God. Changes are in order...

Callisto:
[inside the temple, Callisto blasts the head off a statue of Ares; she glees] I *always* wanted to do that!

Ares:
[appears suddenly] Tell me how you really feel, Callisto!

Ares, God of War:
[fighting Gabrielle] You'll always be a goodie-two-shoes.

Gabrielle:
Yeah, but with a really big sword! [she attacks Ares]

Eli:
Love will be our shield and our weapon.

Ares, God of War:
Since the beginning of time it's been warriors who have shaped the world!

Eli:
That's about to change.

Xena:
It's easy to preach peace when you live in Heaven.

Xena:
Gabrielle! What's the matter? He gonna hit you with his hankie?

Ares, God of War:
You, on the other hand, have been keeping yourself busy. I wish I'd known you were looking for a father.

Xena:
I'm not.

Ares, God of War:
Oh? Well, somebody clearly got the job.

Xena:
Yeah, Gabrielle.

Ares, God of War:
I would have paid to see that.

Gabrielle:
Hm-m. [blushes]

Eli:
Your enduring faith in one another is the greatest miracle of all. [said to Xena and Gabrielle]

Xena:
[to angel Callisto] What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be floating on a cloud someplace...

Callisto:
[smiles] Thanks to you. You saved me from an eternity in Hell and for that I owe you my soul.

Xena:
You don't owe me anything...

Callisto:
I've been purified by the waters of Heaven and yet, still all you see in me is a black heart.

Xena:
I know that the old Callisto is dead but she's alive in my memory. [pause] Don't expect too much from me.

Callisto:
I've come here to ask you not to interfere with Eli. He'll handle Ares on his own terms.

Xena:
Ares' army's about to march on Pylos. Eli thinks he can stop them with a kind word. He can't. All I'm gonna do is give him a fighting chance.

Callisto:
Eli has a destiny to fulfill. He's brought hope to the world and if that's to survive, he's gonna have to face this challenge alone... [Callisto disappears]

Callisto:
The new world can only be built on the foundation of the old one. The order of the Gods must fall. And you Eli, are the hammer. [pause] There is no reason to be afraid. Your faith is stronger than any who have come before you.

Eli:
Until now...

Callisto:
You said it yourself. "All fear is the fear of loss and only through that fear can we truly love." You wouldn't have been chosen if you weren't afraid. [Eli bows his head. Callisto appears beside him and kisses his cheek] Remember... in everything you do we are always with you. [Eli starts to cry and Callisto disappears]

Callisto:
Xena, my time has come to be reincarnated into the mortal world and the body that will bear my spirit has been ordained. [pause] I can think of no greater mother than you...

Xena:
It was you all along? [pause] You gave me this child?

Callisto:
In the past, I destroyed your life Xena.

Xena:
[on the verge of tears] And I destroyed yours... [pause] Maybe it's time that we both gave back what we once took from each other. [Callisto touches Xena's stomach becomes the soul of the baby. A tear moves down Xena's face]

Eli:
[as an angel] Love is the way. [he disappears]

Xena:
[while putting The Pinch on Mac] I've just shut off the flow of blood to your brain. You'll be dead in thirty seconds unless you tell me what's going on! [Mac checks his wrist watch]

Clea:
[Polly and Mac have dressed Xena and Gabrielle in their season six outfits. Gabrielle's hair has been cut] Oh, no! You CUT her hair! I wanted her to have LONG hair, like classic Gabby!

Mac:
Only in the reruns, babe.

Gabrielle:
[about being cloned] Did Ares do this?

Alti:
No, a higher power, called "science."

Cyclops:
Shut up! I hate chatty food.

Gabrielle:
[to Xena] You've got to take me with you! Teach me everything you know.

Xena:
[as Gabrielle pressures Xena to take her with her] I travel alone.

Gabrielle:
So, where are you headed now?

Xena:
Amphipolis.

Gabrielle:
That's in Thrace, isn't it? I love to study maps and place names! So, what route do you usually take?

Xena:
Don't even *think* about it.

Gabrielle:
What?

Xena:
Following me. [pause] You don't want to make me mad now, do ya? [Gabrielle smiles and shakes her head]

Gabrielle:
[on following Xena] I'm going to be a warrior like her!

Lila:
A warrior? [laughs] Gabrielle, *I* can beat you up!

Gabrielle:
Yeah, well, you're very strong for your age. Lila, you know I'm different from everybody else in this town.

Lila:
I know you're crazy.

Gabrielle:
Well, call it whatever you like. The point is, I don't fit in here. And the idea of marrying Perdicas...

Lila:
He loves you, you know!

Gabrielle:
But I don't love him. [pause] I've got to do this, Lila!

Lila:
[hugs Gabrielle] I'm gonna miss you so much!

Gabrielle:
Cheer up. You'll finally have a room of your own! Take care of Mother. Don't let her carry the water from the well by herself.

Lila:
All right. [Gabrielle leaves]

Meg:
Give me an A! A! Give me an R! R! Give me an S! S! Give me an E! E! Whaddya got? Goooooo Ares!

Ares:
Just out of curiosity... What would have happened here today if I'd really been asking for your hand in marriage, no strings attached?

Xena:
[after kissing Ares] Guess you'll never know.

Joxer:
You know, Xena... Denial ain't just a river in Europe.

Xena:
The Nile's in Africa.

Joxer:
It's that long?

Meg:
[jumps out of cake singing dancing] Who's my little bubba? My little bubba. Who's my little bubba? Chookie chookie chookie... Give me an A! A! Give me an R! R! Give me an S! S! Give me an E! E! What do you got? Go Ares!

Gabrielle:
[as bad guys are seen flying back from fighting] Xena, that guy was mine!

Xena:
I can handle it!

Gabrielle:
Yeah, well, I can help you! Xena!

Xena:
Stay back Gabrielle!

Gabrielle:
[to herself] I'm not a kid anymore. You think that she would know that!

Mavican:
[while fighting Xena] No weapons, no Gabrielle. Just you and me! What's the matter Xena? Can't get in that killing blow? Oh, wait Ares said you can't kill me! Just too much on your mind to fight straight, huh? And the sun's going down. What kind of a fighter are you in the dark?

Xena:
You know what, sweetie? You *talk* too much!

Gabrielle:
Mavican, Amazons invented the technique of fighting from trees. The first thing they teach you is not to let your footprints end where you jump!

Ares, God of War:
Considering all you've been through.

Gabrielle:
[draws her sais] Ares, whatever you're looking for, look somewhere else!

Ares, God of War:
Do I always have to be after something? You've been away awhile. Maybe I missed you. Maybe I'm trying to help...

Gabrielle:
You only help yourself.

Ares, God of War:
Aw, ultimately that is true but it doesn't mean I don't understand. Here, let me take a shot at this. Uh, Xena has been overprotective of you. She's been treatin' you like you're still...

Gabrielle:
They were five bandits, five of them! She could have handled four and I would have been happy with just one. But no, no, she had to take them all!

Ares, God of War:
It is hard to shed your perceptions of a person...

Gabrielle:
[picks up her sais] I'm tired of it!

Ares, God of War:
Hey, I notice you're gettin' pretty good with those!

Gabrielle:
At least someone noticed. So Xena doesn't appreciate that I've been practicing. It's...

Gabrielle:
[Mavican appears] Who are you?

Mavican:
The name is Mavican. I'm looking for Xena.

Gabrielle:
What do you want with her?

Mavican:
I wanna kill her and I understand that killing you is the best way to meet her!

Discord:
So, you're saying that your *horse* killed her?

Xena:
In self-defense!

Discord:
But I can't take back a horse! I don't *do* animals!

Minya:
That's not what I heard! [all laugh]

Discord:
UGH! This job sucks! [she disappears]

Discord:
[Irritated because Xena has not yet solved the murder] Look, Xena, I'm tired of being jerked around!

Xena:
[with a straight face] You gave me 'till sunrise to jerk you around!

Discord:
I lied! [Discord uses her powers to make the clock become lower with sand. She laughs] Time flies when I'm having fun!

Xena:
Autolycus. I wouldn't have picked you for a party boy...

Autolycus:
Well, call me sentimental, but, uh, I hear the words, "cake and ice cream" and I'm there! [he chuckles]

Discord:
[Xena kicks open the door to Ravenica's room. The key in the lock falls out. Xena moves to Ravenica and turns her over. Ravenica has a dagger in her chest. A man in leather shorts attacks Xena. She kicks him and is about to punch his face. Discord sits up on the bed] NO! STOP! Not the face!

Xena:
You're right. I should start at the bottom!

Discord:
[Xena moves to kick him, but Discord sends her flying back with a bolt from her hands. Xena stands] Try that again, you'll be booking a cruise to Tartarus with your friend here, Xena! Oh, sure, I know who you are. All Olympus knows the Warrior Princess. Ares has made sure of that. He's also made me, Goddess of Retribution. Discord's the name!

Xena:
Retribution, huh? [pause] Guess you gotta start somewhere!

Discord:
Where I'll start is with the person who did this. Hand him over!

Xena:
[shrugs to the guy she first found] He's all yours.

Discord:
Very funny, but it just so happens he was... otherwise engaged. [pause] So, cut the comedy.

Xena:
You think *I* did it?

Discord:
I wish. But unfortunately, I saw enough to know it wasn't you...

Xena:
The only other people here are my family and friends. [pause] You're saying one of them is the murderer?

Discord:
No, you're telling me. After all, it takes one to know one, right? And somebody did kill her.

Xena:
Clearly, but...

Discord:
No "but"s! You either cough up the killer by sunrise, or I take one of your buddies! Your choice. But either way, someone's gonna pay!

Discord:
Thanks for the help, tall, dark and... mortal. [pause] I should have known Xena wouldn't have the guts to turn in her own mom. [Discord raises a bow and pulls back the arrow, pointing it at Cyrene. Xena frantically uses her chakram to stop the arrow as it fires at her mother. She looks up at Discord] What's the big idea? I thought you were the poster girl for truth and justice.

Xena:
I am, when I'm sure it's being served. And I'm not. [pause] Come on, Discord, ya gave me 'til sunrise, remember?

Discord:
FINE! Play your little detective games, but time is running out!

Discord:
[after watching all of her men fighting Xena's gang and getting easily defeated] AWWW, you might be *GOOD* in bed, but you're *HOPELESS* in a fight!

Joxer:
Who are you supposed to be, a fierce warrior trapped in the body of Gabrielle?

Ares, God of War:
[after Xena kills someone about to kill him] You saved my life. I won't forget it.

Xena:
Yes, you will.

Xena:
[after another warlord questions her death] Well, as you can see, rumors of my demise were greatly exaggerated.

Gabrielle:
Xena, my reflexes are those of a warrior. My judgment isn't. I'm afraid that's a bad combination.

Callisto:
Absorb thyself in this Great Sea of the waters of life. Dive deep in it until thou has lost thyself. And having lost thyself, then thou shall find thyself again. Even as it is written, she had her dwelling in the Great Sea, and was a fish therein.

Ares, God of War:
[after Xena has killed Gabrielle] Nothing more need be said. Ding dong, the b*tch is dead.

Xena:
I didn't kill you, I killed an illusion!

Gabrielle:
Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Gabrielle:
What's causing that?

Xena:
We are. Or I should say, you are.

Gabrielle:
There you go again. You're always blaming me for everything! [echoes increase] Xena, why is it never your fault?

Xena:
It's the past! Each time we accuse each other about the past, the echoes start and we can't hear one another!

Gabrielle:
How do we stop it?

Xena:
Tell me how you feel! Right now, nothing about the past! Right now!

Xena:
My heart is hurting beyond words. The pain is tearing up my soul. These days have seen my spirit die, my life propelled out of control.

Xena:
My wounds lie naked to the world, my depth of suffering exposed. This damaged past can never heal until this nightmare book is closed.

Gabrielle:
My heart is hurting beyond words. The pain is tearing up my soul. Please tell me, how can I retrieve the life that all this sadness stole?

Xena:
[sings] I never dreamed that we'd be distanced by our hate, that all the trust we had would go...

Gabrielle:
[sings] How could I hate you?

Xena:
[sings] How could it come to pass, this awful twist of fate?

Gabrielle:
[sings] How could I hurt you?

Xena:
[sings] This madness can't be so!

Gabrielle:
[sings] I can't believe it...

Xena:
[sings] I never dreamed that any barriers could rise,

Gabrielle:
[sings] Or that I'd ever see the stranger in your eyes!

Xena:
[sings] Our hearts were hurting both the same...

Gabrielle:
[sings] The hurt was tearing up our souls!

Xena:
[sings] The fury in us made us blind...

Gabrielle:
[sings] We could not see beyond the pain!

Xena:
[sings] If we can turn again to love...

Gabrielle:
[sings] If we can heal these open wounds!

Xena:
[sings] We'll leave this hatred far behind,

Gabrielle:
[sings] So not a trace of hate remains!

Xena, Gabrielle:
[singing] We'll overcome our damaged past, and we'll grow stronger side by side to stand together through the storm. We're safe 'cause love will be our guide!

Xena:
[Xena sees Ares sitting on the throne; Xena talks to him] Ares... I thought as much, but why the big production number? What's the point?

Ares:
[begins singing] You are the most divine delicious warrior. / A man can't help saluting your return. / And if you start my heart it's just the way you slash and burn./ Bewitching woman straining at the armor plates. / You singe me with the ardor you inflame./ And in my carnal heart there's not a solid thread of shame.

[cuts Xena's shoulder straps, causing her dress to fall to the ground around her ankles, leaving her completely naked in front of Ares and his soldiers; Xena glares at him in disbelief and defiance]

Joxer:
Joxer the Mighty, Master of geography. Here to guide you on your way. Stick with me-you'll never stray. If you're in a land that's new, I'm the man who'll get you through, Even if you're slightly nude. I'm Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!

Gabrielle:
[after Xena abducted her from the Amazon village, dragged her away by rope on horseback and tried throwing her over a waterfall] *I HATE YOU!* [she charges towards Xena and they both fall off the cliff towards the waterfall]

Gabrielle:
[looking around Illusia] The Elysian Fields... only heroes wind up here. [pause] Dead heroes. [realizing her nakedness] Dead naked heroes.

Callisto:
[singing to Xena] Did that fill you with glee, to kill your little friend? Did that ease your suffering, or bring it to an end? Let go... All of your anger would poison you yet, unless you can just let go...

Xena:
[singing to Gabrielle] Forgive me and you'll discover too, that the love of your love is you...

Ox, the brigand:
Looking for the man of your dreams, darling?

Xena:
Yep.

[Xena punches him in the gut]

Xena:
You're not him.

Salmoneus:
You! That's the little Miss Innocent that got me thrown in here in the first place.

Xena:
She's my friend.

Salmoneus:
She's your friend... she's your friend? You have a friend? What, is she a warrior?

Gabrielle:
Hey, hey, back off! You know, you wouldn't be in here in the first place if you'd kept your hands off my tomatoes.

Xena:
Najara, what are you doing here? Don't tell me ya got time off for good behavior.

Najara:
I've changed, Xena. I put down the sword.

Xena:
And I'm the queen of Egypt.

Gabrielle:
I've been thinking. I know there's no excuse for what Najara did.

Xena:
Sure, there is. She's a nut.

Lao Ma:
Fill yourself with desire and see only illusion, empty yourself of desire and understand the great mystery of things.

Lao Ma:
The entire world is driven by a will, blind and ruthless, in order to transcend the limitations of that world, you need to stop willing, stop desiring, stop hating.

Lao Ma:
Heaven endures and the Earth lasts a long time because they do not live for themselves.

Lao Ma:
Therefore, she who would live a long time, should live for others, serve others.

Lao Ma:
To conquer others is to have power, to conquer yourself is to know The Way.

Gabrielle:
Are you going up against a dragon?

Xena:
No...

Gabrielle:
Is the Green Dragon a person?

Xena:
Yes...

Gabrielle:
Which person?

Xena:
That one that I'm gonna kill.

Gabrielle:
I'm sorry, Xena, but I can't help you commit murder.

Xena:
Gabrielle, I am catching a ship here that will carry me close to the kingdom of Chin. If there was ever a time to turn back, it's now. [pause] I understand. [Xena kisses Gabrielle on the head]

Gabrielle:
[as Xena starts to leave to aboard the ship] You owe someone so much that you would just throw away these last few years?

Xena:
[pause] Yes.

Gabrielle:
[as Xena uncovers Ming T'ien's bed covers holding a knife to kill him] I'm sorry Xena, I couldn't let you do this! [Xena stares at Gabrielle, shocked]

Ming T'ien:
[to Xena after she is caught attempting to kill Ming T'ien] Lao Ma said you'd return one day. [to the guards] Lock her up.

Lao Ma:
Nothing is soft as water. Yet, who can withstand the raging flood?

Lao Ma:
To conquer others is to have power. To conquer yourself is to know the way.

Lao Ma:
The entire world is driven by a will - blind and ruthless. In order to transcend the limitations of that world, you need to stop willing, stop desiring, stop hating.

Xena:
How do I do that?

Lao Ma:
Heaven endures, and the Earth lasts a long time, because they do not live for themselves. Therefore, she would live a long time, should live for others, serve others.

Gabrielle:
Can we talk? Of course not. I betrayed you. The pathetic thing is... I thought I was saving you. My reverence for life kept a brutal tyrant in power, and led to my best friend's execution. I know you hate me, Xena... no more than I hate myself.

Xena:
Scratch my nose, will you?

Xena:
Come on. I know you only did what you thought was right. I was angry with you, but I didn't hate you. I never could.

Gabrielle:
I think I understand why you thought you had to kill Ming Tien. It was Lao Ma's last request... and she saved your life.

Xena:
Not just my life. She saved my soul, my spirit, my entire being.

Xena:
You half-witted toady to a third-rate god!

Roman soldier:
[to Gabrielle, who is being crucified] Caesar wanted one more thing. Your legs are to be broken. He said it would mean something to Xena.

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle has made her first kill] Everything's changed... everything.

Xena:
[Xena draws her sword on the beach] Show yourself! I know you're there! [Ares appears on Xena's sword] Ares...

Ares, God of War:
[smirks] You want to move this so we can talk?

Xena:
[smirks back] Oh, I don't know, I kind of like the look of it there!

Xena:
[smiling after slashing the Deliverer with her breast dagger] Well that answers one question. You can get hurt.

Deliverer:
[roars]

Xena:
[laughs] You get pretty mad too.

Deliverer:
[growls]

Xena:
Come and get me then. You half witted toady to a third-rate god, come and get me! Come on.

Xena:
[the Deliverer attacks, Xena flips out of his way. He looks over his shoulder in anger. Xena smirks at him] What's the matter? A mere mortal giving you a problem? I thought your god was all powerful or something.

Deliverer:
You can't talk of the great Dahak like that.

Xena:
Great? Great at what?

Xena:
[circling] All I've seen is a lame attempt at a religion and some fancy fireworks. Are you sure he's what you think he is? Maybe he's got you fooled too? [the Deliverer roars in anger, attacks, and Xena flips him into the fire pit]

Darnelle:
That's not how a princess fights!

Gabrielle:
Amazon Princess!

Xena:
I've got that answer to your question. Are you who you are, or are you who I made you?"

Gabrielle:
And?

Xena:
You're Gabrielle - bard, Amazon Princess... best friend. Nobody made you who you are, it was already there. The question is, who would I be without you?

Agathon:
All I ever wanted was to rule the world.

Ares:
No. Life *isn't* worth living. It's to be *taken*, and *beaten*. And wrestled, and formed in your image. *That's* where the meaning lies. In what you can twist life into. For those who just *endure* life, yeah: it is a very nasty joke. But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way.

Xena:
I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense.

Xena:
Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without me.

Xena:
[after a fight and being enchanted by the Furies] I love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning.

Gabrielle:
[Villagers lie dead in a field. Xena and Gabrielle walk through them] Xena, what kind of animal would do this?

Xena:
[Michael appears. Xena suddenly draws her sword on him] What do you *want*, Michael?

Archangel Michael:
I sense hostility. I want you to know I'm all right with that.

Xena:
Well, that is big of you, considering last time you saw me, you tried to have me cast down into *Hell*...

Archangel Michael:
Desperate times warrant desperate measures. [pause] As you see, some new desperate times have arrived.

Xena:
[referring to the dead innocent villagers] Who *did* this?

Archangel Michael:
Caligula. [pause] You know his reputation.

Xena:
He's a psycho, a sex addict and a murderer; your run-of-the-mill Roman emperor...

Gabrielle:
And he thinks he's a God.

Archangel Michael:
No, he *is* a God.

Xena:
He's immortal? But how did that happen?

Archangel Michael:
I don't know. What's important is that the God of Eli gave you the power to kill Gods. You're the only one who can stop Caligula. He killed Tiberius in order to gain power - murdered every last member of his family. He's slain anybody who won't swear allegiance to his Cult of Blood. He wants to write his name into the history books as one of the Great Gods of the Pantheon. And he'll destroy anyone who won't submit to him.

Xena:
Including angels, no doubt.

Archangel Michael:
[smirks] And, uh, the followers of Eli.

Xena:
[pause] If anything's happened to Eve, Michael...

Archangel Michael:
Not yet, but your daughter has the courage of her convictions. She's gone to confront Caligula's persecution.

Gabrielle:
Eve's in Rome?

Xena:
[aggressively] If I find out that you're behind *any* of this, Michael, I swear, I...

Archangel Michael:
As you well know, Xena, your daughter obeys a higher power than me.

Xena:
Michael, don't forget; if I can kill Gods... I can kill angels, too!

Xena:
[Ares jumps on Xena and prevents her from stabbing Caligula] ARES, YOU FOOL! What do you think you're doing?

Ares:
I can't let you kill my sister!

Xena:
What?

Xena:
Aphrodite and Caligula's lives are bound together. If he dies, you destroy her, too!

Eve:
[Eve is praying with the Elijans, in the middle of a circle of them. Michael appears and touches her forehead. The Elijans are unaware of what is happening] At last.

[pause]

Eve:
I'm ready!

Archangel Michael:
You are ready.

Eve:
Yes, Archangel.

Archangel Michael:
You're afraid...

Eve:
No, it's - I'm...

Archangel Michael:
Have no fear.

[Michael leads Eve away to face Caligula]

Xena:
[as Michael appears and raises his sword above Aphrodite] *MICHAEL*! [Xena runs and kicks Michael in the face] You tried to get Caligula to kill Eve to force my hand. Now, you go after my girlfriends! That's *not* gonna happen! [pause] Bring it on! [Xena and Michael fight]

Aphrodite:
Why are you doing this to me? What do you want?

Gabrielle:
I want my friend back!

Aphrodite:
I've never seen you before today. I could turn you into a mosquito, you know?

Gabrielle:
You could have done that hours ago, but you didn't. You know why? Because you do know me. You don't want to hurt me.

Aphrodite:
Well if we're such good friends, then how come I don't recognize you

Gabrielle:
Because you're giving up your identity to some *maniac* whom you claim to love! [Michael suddenly appears above Aphrodite raising a sword above her head]

Caligula:
Now I remember why I love to kill Elijans, it's the only thing that shuts them up!

Caligula:
Well, the demon with wings said that if I spilt her blood it would ensure my legacy as the greatest of all Gods.

Xena:
The demon with wings? [she pauses and realizes that Michael was who Caligula was referring to] Ah.

Caligula:
Lust and violence or truth and hope. [pause] Hm-m, I think I'll stick with the status quo. [he takes a dagger and poses to kill Eve]

Xena:
[walks in] Oh, fabulous.

Eve:
[angry] What?

Xena:
Caligula, what on Earth did you think you were doing?

Eve:
[Eve turns over to her mother and walks over to her] I don't NEED you, to interfere with my missi- [Xena punches her down] Ugh!

Xena:
Granted she's a bit irritating, but why here and now?

Xena:
It's not about me. It's about these people. That's why we're here. People like this used to be my victims. I keep that in mind every time we come up against a warlord like Talmadeus. It's the greater good. Remember that.

Xena:
My mother's soul is trapped. My daughter is half dead. And the portal to Hell opened up in my backyard!

Xena:
[while fighting Mephistopheles] I'm just a little distracted by your *good looks*!

Mephistopheles:
You're hold back, Xena! Is something bothering you?

Xena:
Other than your *STENCH*?

Mephistopheles:
[angrily] WHAT?

[repeated line]

Eve:
In the name of Eli and all the powers of Heaven, I command this evil presence to be cast out!

Mephistopheles:
[rejoicing after being sent on earth] I AM *AT LAST* MADE *FLESH*!

Xena:
[scoffs] Enjoy it while it lasts!

[Mephistopheles charges towards Xena and they fight]

Xena:
Gabrielle?

Mephistopheles:
[Gabrielle is being possessed by Mephistopheles] She's with me, Xena!

Xena:
Mephistopheles, why are you doing this to my family?

Mephistopheles:
[possessed in Gabrielle's body] I seek the Messenger of Eli... your daughter!

Xena:
What do you want with her?

Eve:
[Eve runs into the room] He knows I can do this... [pause] In the name of Eli and all the powers of Heaven, I command this evil presence to be cast out! [she touches Gabrielle's body, but nothing happens]

Xena:
[to Mephistopheles] Why have you come here?

Mephistopheles:
[possessed through Gabrielle] You killed the Olympian gods, Xena. The time has come for my reign to begin! I shall inherit the Earth! When your blood is spilled, Eve, I'll be made flesh!

Xena:
It will never happen Mephistopheles! Never!

Mephistopheles:
[possessed through Gabrielle] Your mother cried out for you, Xena... even at the end.

Mephistopheles:
[Mephistopheles shows Xena a vision of what happened to her mother when she was burned at the stake and cried out her name as she was dying] I helped eat her soul, Xena! She'll spend eternity reliving only agony you put into her life! Unless you spill your daughter's blood and bring me into the world.

Eve:
No! [Eve repeats her chant]

Mephistopheles:
Damn you! I leave this body, Xena, but I'll keep your mother's soul! Do you want your mommy? Release me into the world!

Xena:
Again, Eve. Do it again, now! [Eve repeats her chant and Mephistopheles is cast out of Gabrielle's body]

Mephistopheles:
You can't hurt me in the spirit world... Xena!

Xena:
[smirks] No harm in trying!

Amarice:
Get real. The only real power is at the end of a sword.

Eli:
And if the other side has more swords?

Amarice:
If you can love your way out of this one, be my guest.

Brutus:
Chain her to the prophet!

Amarice:
Oh please, can't you just break my legs?

Gabrielle:
Xena, you can't just walk into Rome and kill Caesar.

Amarice:
It's an opportunity to kill a lot of Romans. I say we do it.

Xena:
Beware the Ides of March, Brutus.

Xena:
I made you leave the way of love. It was my fault.

Gabrielle:
I had a choice: to do nothing or save my friend. I chose the way of friendship.

Xena:
I'm sorry for all the times I didn't treat you right.

Gabrielle:
Xena, you've brought out the best in me. Before I met you no one saw me for who I was. I felt invisible. But you saw all the things that I could be. You saved me, Xena.

Xena:
I wish, um...

Gabrielle:
What?

Xena:
That I had read your scrolls just once.

Gabrielle:
You would have liked them.

Xena:
I know.

Xena:
Gabrielle, you were the best thing in my life.

Gabrielle:
I love you, Xena.

Ormestin:
TWO Xenas?

Xena:
That's right. Makes ya wanna cry like a baby, doesn't it?

Meg:
[holds up chakram] I got a shamrock and I know how to use it!

Jett (Joxer's evil twin):
Don't let anyone tell you who you are.

Joxer:
I've seen evil and I've changed my ways.

Jett (Joxer's evil twin):
Bro, if you saw evil, you'd have to change your PANTS.

Xena:
Joxer, you can barely kill TIME.

[Autolycus is refusing to help Joxer and Gabrielle]

Gabrielle:
Autolycus, an innocent person is going to die!

Autolycus:
No he isn't, because he's leaving.

Gabrielle:
I've been grabbed more times than the golden fleece.

Autolycus:
A good thief, like a good lover, takes his time... has patience.

Autolycus:
I'm not as dumb as he looks.

Autolycus:
There's a concept called personal space. Look into it.

Autolycus:
Distracts me? A beautiful woman lying naked in a bathtub?

[laughs]

Autolycus:
...Where was I?

Joxer:
There's a lot we can learn from each other, you know.

Autolycus:
Sure. Hey, why don't you start by teaching me how to disappear without a trace?

Joxer:
Okay! First, you...

[offended]

Joxer:
Hey!

Autolycus:
[to Gabrielle] Why is he here?

Gabrielle:
He knows Jett.

Autolycus:
No, in a grander sense - why is he here?

Gabrielle:
That's the point. They're talking politics, when this is all really an affair of the heart

Gabrielle:
Did you ever notice that we never have a problem getting a table?

Xena:
It's a mystery to me

Gabrielle:
You see Xena, the way I look at it, life is an adventure to be explored. And, without adventure what's the point? Granted, with you sometimes it gets a little too adventurous, but that's what makes it interesting. Who was it that said "curiosity is the food of life and adventure is a meal?"

Xena:
Sounds like something you might say

Mezentius:
[To a man] You're scared, you're afraid of me ... that's good. And, you turned two of my men ... that's smart. Stop by my office tomorrow and you've got a job.

Theater Critic:
I hear "Buffus the Bacchae Slayer" is playing next door.

Minya:
Gabrielle, I wanted to thank you! I never would have met Paulina if it wasn't for you! In fact, the two of you made me realize something deep down about myself that... I guess I always knew, but... just didn't dare admit. Yes... I'm a... thespian. [She goes away hand in hand with Paulina]

Xena:
Oh. Hah. Congratulations. You managed to touch someone.

Gabrielle:
That's not exactly what I had in mind. I wanted to change... violent people into people of peace, not actors. That is what she said, right? Deep down, she's a thespian? Yeah, um... that's what she... said. Yeah.

Xena:
Why? What'd you think?

Gabrielle:
Thespian...

Gabrielle:
What's this? It's... it's blood. You have a head on your stick. These are your changes? Blood? Sex?

Joxer:
Uh, and a hot tub. I got the guys workin' on it in the back. I thought to myself, 'Joxer, what is it that you like?' And I figured, 'That's what the public wants.'

Gabrielle:
Artists aren't supposed to care what the public wants. We're not doing this for money.

Gabrielle:
No good playwright would have her art reduced to garbage for the sake of a few dinars!

Gabrielle:
What am I doing? All this sex, blood, violence? Have I gone crazy?

Joxer:
Gabrielle! We just sold out the first night!

Gabrielle:
Crazy like a fox! I want more blood! Let's make it gushing!

Dustinus Hoofmanus:
I don't play Quadrapeds!

Autolycus:
Ah, another day, another defilement.

Autolycus:
Choose the one drink you wouln't give your worst enemy, and give me a double.

Xena:
[to Gabrielle] I'll always be with you, Gabrielle. [they kiss]

Autolycus:
[while Xena is possessing him] Hello, ladies - I'm quite mad.

Xena:
[about to take over Autolycus's body] Let go and hold on.

Autolycus:
Let go and hold on? HEY!

Minya:
I expect more from the god of war. I mean without his powers he's just another man. Just another big ol', leather-clad, well-muscled, gorgeous, hunka bad boy... man.

Gabrielle:
How are your hormones?

Minya:
Raging! I think I'll go see Hower.

Joxer:
"Gabrielle awoke with a jerk." Gabrielle awoke with a jerk, that's a funny phrase.

Ares:
She is so darned good at it. You know... what she did when I had her on trial for her life... it... it was amazing!

Gabrielle:
Well, how about what she pulled off with the Furies?

Ares:
Oh... it was brilliant. Yeah. And she does it all with that... that steely gaze, you know?

Gabrielle:
Oh, yeah. I've seen that one a few times.

Barbarian Leader:
We fight with the heart of a lion!

Aphrodite:
And you run with the legs of a chicken!

[Xena has been fishing and Joxer smells the fish]

Joxer:
Wait. Did I smell something?

Aphrodite:
Lay off of me, turkey!

Joxer:
No. Oh, it's fish!

Aphrodite:
I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing!

Ares:
Danger excites you... and as you know I am somewhat dangerous

Xena:
[Written in a letter to Gabrielle] Whatever happens, know that my love for you is endless.

Xena:
[Gabrielle wakes up to see Xena gone and a scroll on her bed. She picks it up and looks at it. It is signed with an "X" and print of Xena's lips. Gabrielle reads Xena's letter] Gabrielle, I've gone to take care of some unfinished business. This mission is so dangerous, I'm afraid I won't survive and I can't ask you to die with me once again. Whatever happens know that my love for you is endless. Xena.

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle rides a white horse. There is an overlapping scene of a moon] [voice-over] I know Xena wouldn't have done this if she didn't feel this was something she had to do by herself. [Gabrielle camps out. She writes on a scroll] I debated whether to respect her wish, but I can't. [Gabrielle rides and camps again] Her path is my path. [she keeps writing] I've been following her now, for weeks. Her trail has taken me North, due North... [Gabrielle writes as she glances up to the full moon] Farther North than I've ever been.

Xena:
[Brunnhilda tells Gabrielle the story of Xena; a flashback of a younger Xena riding slowly through the woods is shown. Odin, the King of the Norse Gods, is heard moaning. Xena rides over to him] Whoa... [She stops her horse to look at Odin. He is crucified on a tree. A raven is with him] Hey, there. Who did you mess with?

Odin:
No one is capable of doing this to me without my consent.

Xena:
What kind of an idiot has himself crucified?

Odin:
I don't wish to take part in the struggle of life anymore.

Xena:
Why would you wanna do that?

Odin:
I am Odin, king of the Norse Gods. It is my duty to bring peace to the Norse country. Yet as I sit in Valhalla, and watch the bitter struggle called life on this Earth, I ask, "Are we doomed to live in a constant state of endless conflict"?

Xena:
Damn straight. That's what makes life so worth living! You know, every day I wake up and I feel pumped by the knowledge that there is always someone around the next corner - someone for me to challenge, to fight, and to conquer.

Odin:
Someday... someone may conquer you.

Xena:
Precisely... which is why I don't have time to waste chatting with a God who doesn't know what to do with his immortality.

Odin:
[as Xena starts to leave with her horse] Wait... who are you?

Xena:
The name's Xena. [pause] You know, you can't escape the struggle, Odin. Ya gotta embrace it!

Brunnhilda:
[voice-over] Xena brought Odin out of his despair by sharing with him her lust for life. He, in turn, made her a Valkyrie.

Xena:
[Brunnhilda tells Gabrielle the story of Xena; a flashback of a younger Xena riding slowly through the woods is shown. Odin, the King of the Norse Gods, is heard moaning. Xena rides over to him] Whoa... [She stops her horse to look at Odin. He is crucified on a tree. A raven is with him] Hey, there. Who did you mess with?

Beowulf:
No one is capable of doing this to me without my consent.

Xena:
What kind of an idiot has himself crucified?

Beowulf:
I don't wish to take part in the struggle of life anymore.

Xena:
Why would you wanna do that?

Beowulf:
I am Odin, king of the Norse Gods. It is my duty to bring peace to the Norse country. Yet as I sit in Valhalla, and watch the bitter struggle called life on this Earth, I ask, "Are we doomed to live in a constant state of endless conflict"?

Xena:
Damn straight. That's what makes life so worth living! You know, every day I wake up and I feel pumped by the knowledge that there is always someone around the next corner - someone for me to challenge, to fight, and to conquer.

Beowulf:
Someday... someone may conquer you.

Xena:
Precisely... which is why I don't have time to waste chatting with a God who doesn't know what to do with his immortality.

Beowulf:
[as Xena starts to leave with her horse] Wait... who are you?

Xena:
The name's Xena. [pause] You know, you can't escape the struggle, Odin. Ya gotta embrace it!

Odin:
[voice-over] Xena brought Odin out of his despair by sharing with him her lust for life. He, in turn, made her a Valkyrie.

Brunnhilda:
Is Xena ALL you think about?

Gabrielle:
She's my family, she's the most important thing in my life!

Gabrielle:
Xena and I have a connection. It's stronger than either one of us. We're soul mates.

Gabrielle:
There's more to being a warrior than skill. There's fighting for what you believe in... For people that you love.

Brunnhilda:
You know, before I met you, I never thought of a warrior as having any love but the love of battle.

Gabrielle:
[to Brunnhilda] What are you fighting for? You want to win my love? You're going to shed blood for what? For me? You call that love? You're sick.

Brunnhilda:
[to Gabrielle] This ring is too powerful to fall into undeserving hands and so are you.

Gabrielle:
Xena and I are meant to be together. We didn't make it that way, it just is.

Autolycus:
Talk is cheap. I have an expensive ear.

Sinteres:
Death has a thousand doors to let out life... and, Prognese, I've saved one just for you.

Robert G. Tapert:
Tell me more about this Xena.

Alti:
[Alti has just captured Gabrielle] Well, if it isn't Xena's little b*tch! Welcome to the doghouse!

Gabrielle:
For many years, I walked in Xena's shadow. I wanted to be her. She taught me something. It's warmer standing in the sun.

Alti:
[Alti appears before Gabrielle in the Spirit Realm] Xena's Little B*tch. Welcome to the doghouse!

Varia:
To a strong Amazon nation.

Gabrielle:
To a strong Amazon nation.

Varia:
How's the eye?

Gabrielle:
How's the hand?

Varia:
Fine. Why?

Gabrielle:
I thought maybe you sprained it on my face.

Cyane:
Lend me some coins?

Gwyn-Teir:
What for? We don't even use the same money.

Cyane:
I know, but knowing my luck, if I owe you money, I'll survive.

Gwyn-Teir:
[Laughs]

Cyane:
No, I'm... I'm serious.

Gabrielle:
[after leaving an almost? dead body to the sharks] Was that honorable? I don't think so.

Xena:
Would you have given yourself for her? [Gabrielle nods] You sent her spirit in peace, Gabrielle. Forward. Come on.

Gabrielle:
Queen Mawu-Ka, Queen Gwyn-Teir, your friend, Bane, their blood, on the shores of this land. Our sisters have died, but death is not an end to their spirits. Death, it's a pathway to an afterlife. And when it is my time to join them, I want to know that I can grasp them by the hands, I can look them, all in the eyes, and tell them, that their blood was not shed without purpose, that we finished the job that they began. More of us may die today, but the Amazon nation... It will live on forever. That is the duty that we carry, and the everlasting honor that we will hold.

Bellerophon:
Oh, you forget, Xena, you can't kill me, 'cause I'm a half-god!

Xena:
You forget you're half mortal, too.

Leah:
You AREN'T virgins?

Gabrielle:
Well, *I* was married at the time.

Leah:
Well, we all have our little EXCUSES, don't we?

Gabrielle:
Believe me, if I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem.

Bordello Girls:
Joxer the Mighty, Master of virility. Every woman wants him, He's so sexy it's a sin. If you want a special tryst, He's the man you can't resist. By every measure he's a prize.

Joxer:
Just check out my shoe size! Ha-ha!

Bordello Girls:
Joxer the Mighty, Captain of debauchery. Never seems to get enough Of our tantalizing stuff. If you need some company, With Joxer there's a guarantee.

Joxer:
Of the highest potency!

Bordello Girl #2:
Heck, I'd even work for free!

Leah:
Take your filthy hands off me!

Bordello Girls:
He's Joxer- Joxer the Mighty!

Leah:
Heathens to the left of me, infidels to the right! Tremendous! Next thing is you will be telling me you're not virgins!

Leah:
You AREN'T virgins?

Gabrielle:
Well, *I* was married at the time.

Leah:
Well, we all have our little EXCUSES, don't we?

Gabrielle:
[Xena smirks] Were you?

Gabrielle:
[she doesn't understand Xena's behaviour] "Big-mouthed idiot". Maybe it's a code. Maybe it means something. Maybe, I'm gonna kill her.

Xena:
[as Empress of Rome in an altered timeline] Leave us.

Joxer:
[as a Roman centurion] But Caesar said...

Xena:
...to enrage the Empress until she beats the tar out of you?

Joxer:
I must have missed that one.

Xena:
You broght the world back to us.

Gabrielle:
I'm glad. I like this one better.

Xena:
Even though you're not a famous playwright?

Gabrielle:
Fame... Who needs it?

Xena:
I will dedicate this life to changing things back to the way they were - and I can do it - because we both know I have *many* skills.

Gabrielle:
Xena, when I'm with you, this emptiness that I have felt my entire life is gone.

Xena:
Hey.

Gabrielle:
Hi.

Eve:
She doesn't have what it takes to kill in cold blood. Do you think I inherited that talent from you, Mother?

Xena:
You certainly had a gift.

Eve:
Yeah, I did.

Eve:
Gabrielle, what's your plan?

Gabrielle:
I get inside Moghador. I kill Gurkhan. And I bring Sarah back.

Eve:
That's your goal. What's your plan?

Gabrielle:
Haven't thought about it.

Eve:
I visited Moghador once.

Gabrielle:
I'm afraid to ask why.

Eve:
You should be.

Gabrielle:
If you're trying to scare me, Eve... why were you in Mogador?

Eve:
I was selling slave girls.

Gabrielle:
Calm way your daughter talks about her past.

Xena:
She knows what I know: there's nothing you can do to change the past. You can only work to make the future better.

Eve:
[about Gabrielle] She wants to kill Gurkhan. For you or me that might have been an interesting challenge once upon a time, but for her...

Xena:
It's a suicide mission.

Woman:
In my village, the choices were: marry a sober poor man... or a drunk poor man. It was a toss-up, really. The sober men would be less likely to beat you... but the drunk men would be less likely to keep you pregnant all the time.

Virgil:
[singing] I sing of Superlious, pirate of the high seas! I capture beautiful maidens and sell them... [He sees Gabrielle] Hi, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle:
No-no-no-no. Don't tell me. You're Superlious, pirate of the high seas?

Gabrielle:
[to Gurkhan] Are you afraid? Afraid like my mother? My father? Like my sister's husband? Right before you cut off their heads? [long pause] If I kill you... you win. I become like you. [pause] [Gabrielle comes back on top of Gurkhan] I hate you! [pause] [Gabrielle starts beating the living daylights out of Gurkhan]

Xena:
[to the slaves girls in Gurkhan's harem] All right, girls... We're going on a cruise. Anyone care to come?

Gabrielle:
Your mother will be so happy to see you.

Sarah:
How could she ever love me again, after what I've become?

Eve:
You don't know mothers very well, do you?

Sarah:
You don't understand. I've done terrible things. How can I ever be forgiven?

Gabrielle:
[Gabrielle, Xena and Eve exchange looks] Are you ever in the right company.

Gurkhan:
[motions to Gabrielle on the other side of the bedroom] Join us, little one...

Xena:
[Xena starts seducing Gurkhan, making him comfortable and relaxed on his bed. She suddenly puts the pinch on him, paralyzing his body so he can't move] Take that, ya dirty bastard!

Xena:
[Xena moves to Gabrielle and holds a very sharp dagger over her shoulder] If you're going to do it, do it now... [Gabrielle closes her eyes, takes the dagger and moves on Gurkhan]

Xena:
[after dancing] I have a request.

Gurkhan:
Yes?

Xena:
Sarah's head on a plate!

Gurkhan:
[startled] Where did you hear that name? [pause] [Gurkhan chuckles] Very well, I'll give you Sarah's head! [he snaps his fingers to the guards]

Sarah:
[shocked] GURKHAN! How can you do this? [his guards lead Sarah in the dungeon]

Xena:
It will have blood, Gabrielle. Blood will have blood!

Gabrielle:
[yeling] Don't talk to me about consequences, Xena! That man murdered my mother and father! [pause] Now I kill him!

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings. A land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. The power, the passion, the danger. Her courage will change the world.