Gossip Girl, Season 1

Gossip Girl:
Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

Gossip Girl:
Who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl:
There's nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a good catfight and this could be a classic.

Chuck:
[Suggestively] If you want to thank me...

Serena:
It's a sandwich, Chuck.

Chuck:
Serena looked effing hot last night. There's something wrong with that level of perfection. It needs to be... violated.

Nate:
You are deeply disturbed.

Chuck:
And yet, you know I'm right. You're telling me if you had the chance-

Nate:
I have a girlfriend.

Chuck:
You guys have been dating since kindergarden and you haven't sealed the deal.

Nate:
Who says "seal the deal"?

Chuck:
Are you following us or something?

Dan:
No. I, uh, I go to your school. [He gestures to their outfits]Identical uniforms. Kind of a tip-off.

Nate:
[Sarcastically] That's funny.

[They exit the bus]

Dan:
[Sarcastically, to himself] So, you guys wanna sit together at lunch?

Chuck:
[Smoking a joint] This is some good stuff.

Nate:
Yeah, I'm gonna need it. Blair's mom is in the country house.

Chuck:
Well then maybe I should swipe some of my dad's Viagra, or my mom's Paxil... Nathaniel! You're finally about to have sex with your girlfriend and it's like you're headed to your execution.

Nate:
Nah, man, I'm good.

Chuck:
Talk to Chuck, buddy. You and Blair have been dating forever. All of a sudden there's a problem?

Nate:
There's no problem. It's just, do you ever feel like our whole lives have been planned out for us? Like we're just gonna end up like our parents?

Chuck:
That's a dark thought.

Nate:
Aren't we entitled to choose, just to...be happy?

Chuck:
Look, easy, Socrates. What we're entitled to is a trust fund, maybe a house in the Hamptons, a prescription drug problem. But happiness does not seem to be on the menu, so smoke up and seal the deal with Blair, cause you're also entitled to tap that ass.

Rufus:
Guess whose dad is cool?!

Jenny:
It's a trick question.

Dan:
Yeah, 'cause it can't be ours.

Rufus:
Ha ha, ha ha. Look at this: [He hands Dan a magazine]

Dan:
Top Ten Forgotten Bands of the '90's.

Rufus:
Yeah, check out who is number nine.

Jenny:
He's very proud.

Dan:
Hey. Hey, way to be forgotten!

Rufus:
But that's how you get remembered!

Serena:
So, how's your mom doing? With the divorce and everything.

Blair:
Great. So, my dad left her for another man. She lost fifteen pounds, got an eye lift. It's been good for her.

Serena:
I'm really sorry.

Blair:
Yeah, I could tell, since you didn't call or write the entire time it was happening.

Serena:
I, I know, it's just... boarding school-

Blair:
I don't even know why you went to boarding school to begin with. Do you know how it felt calling your house when you didn't show up at school and having your mom say "Serena didn't tell you? That she moved to Connecticut?"

Serena:
I just... I had to go, I... needed to get away from everything. Please, just trust me.

Blair:
How can I trust you when I feel like I don't even know you?

Serena:
Well, let's fix that. I saw you at school with Kati and Is and I get it. I don't wanna take any of that away from you.

Blair:
Because it's just yours to take if you want it.

Serena:
No, that's not what I mean. I miss you. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. You know, walking to school together, dancing on tables at Bungalow, night swimming at your mom's country house? You're like my sister. Y'know, with our families... we need each other.

Blair:
Well, you missed some classic Eleanor Waldorf meltdowns. If it wasn't such a tragedy it would've been funny. Actually, it kinda was.

[They laugh]

Serena:
Well, I wish I could have been there.

Blair:
You are now. Well, I have to go meet Nate. We kind of have something special planned.

Serena:
Well, I don't want to keep you, but, um... [She hugs Blair] I love you, B.

Blair:
I love you too, S.

Chuck:
I love this town. I'm going to have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors.

Serena:
And if you get a drink, they're also serving pigs.

Chuck:
Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty.

Serena:
You just love when a girl talks to you.

Chuck:
Actually, I prefer them when they're not talking.

Serena:
[Sarcastically] Mm. I've missed your witty banter.

Chuck:
Let's catch up! Take our clothes off, stare at each other.

Serena:
How about I just get a bite to eat. I'm drinking on an empty stomach.

Chuck:
I heard you didn't do that anymore.

Serena:
Special occasion.

Chuck:
Well, how about a grilled cheese with truffle oil? You love truffles.

Serena:
Enough to know it's not on the menu.

Chuck:
I'm connected.

Serena:
Only 'cause I'm hungry.

Serena:
Pick me up at 8?

Dan:
You'd really go out with some guy you don't know?

Serena:
Well, you can't be any worse than the guys I do know.

Serena:
So, you took me to meet your dad on the first date?

Dan:
So, this... this is a date? Oh. Maybe I should've worn my loafers, then. Dress down a little bit.

Gossip Girl:
S's new boy's name is- oh, who cares?

Jenny:
The question is, how are you?

Dan:
Me? Why wouldn't I be okay?

Jenny:
At the end of the night with Serena and the... [She imitates his wave]

Dan:
Was it really that bad?

[It cuts to a flashback to the previous night in the taxi]

Serena:
So, this is me. So, uh... good night.

Dan:
Yeah, uh... good night.

[Serena exits the taxi]

Jenny:
Ugh! Go! Walk her to the door! Something! Go!

[He's about to exit when he hits his head on the door]

Dan:
Uh, I think I have brain damage.

Nate:
That kid popped you pretty good, huh? Never mess with a guy's sister.

Chuck:
If I knew his name, I would hunt him down and kill him.

Nate:
Because you kill people now? You gonna strangle him with your scarf?

Chuck:
Don't mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It's my signature.

Nate:
I'm just saying, death by scarf? Not that intimidating.

Blair:
You know, I always knew you were a whore... I never took you for a liar, too.

Serena:
Blair... how can I fix this?

Blair:
You don't, Serena. You just stay away. From me, my boyfriend, and my friends. You're done here.

Blair:
Chuck likes to brag about his conquests, not his victims.

Chuck:
What are you doing here?

Dan:
What? Is this your hotel?

Nate:
Actually, it is.

[Dan looks up at the building, confused]

Chuck:
Yeah, so unless you have a reason to be here I'll have to ask you to wait on the curb with the rest of the trash.

Dan:
Trash? Look, man, I live in Brooklyn, alright? Not the Ozarks. No offense to the Ozarks.

Dan:
Did you talk to my sister?

Chuck:
Ah, yes. Little Jenny, I do believe she and I have some unfnished business.

Dan:
You stay away from her.

Chuck:
Poor Daniel, so little time so many sluts to defend-[Dan pushes Chuck into a waiter carrying a tray, both of which fall to the ground and cause glass to shatter in the process. Chuck watches in amusement as everyone stares at Dan, horrified.]

Chuck:
This isn't over.

Dan:
Hey, anytime, man. That one black eye looks a little lonely.

Jenny:
Wow, these dolls are great. Oh my God, you have Cabbage Patch! My brother used to have one of these, his name was Cedric.

Blair:
[Snorts] Your brother's name is Cedric?

Blair:
I can't believe Serena came to this brunch. I told her to stay away.

Chuck:
Are you worried about Nate? [Blair glares at him]Just a shot in the dark. I think you know what you need to do to get his attention. [Holds up a key]

Blair:
And what's that?

Chuck:
Key to my suite, Nate's heart and your future happiness. [Blair considers this and then takes the key]I'm honored to be playing even a small role in your deflowering.

Blair:
You're disgusting.

Chuck:
Yes I am. So why be shy?Why don't you grab Nate and finish this. Report back with details.

Dan:
I was in the neighbourhood. Uh, give or take 70 blocks.

Chuck:
Better a broken nose than a broken heart.

Gossip Girl:
looks like blair and chuck showed up with quite an apetite , for destruction that is.

Gossip Girl:
Looks like the ultimate insider has become a total outsider. It's your move, Serena. You know who'll be watching, Gossip Girl

Dartmouth interviewer:
Why should Dartmouth pick you as an usher?

Dan:
I believe I am the ideal Dartmouth candidate. I've been dreaming of Dartmouth for years. And I haven't asked Dartmouth...but I think she's been dreaming of me too.

[Dartmouth interviewer looks confused]

Dan:
That was supposed to be a joke.

Dartmouth interviewer:
Why should Dartmouth pick you as an usher?

Chuck:
Why should I be chosen as an usher? [Thinks] I'm Chuck Bass.

Dan:
[Talking about Nate] The guy had one original thought last year. It died of loneliness.

Blair:
[Answers her phone] Finally

Chuck:
Hello to you too. Heard about the field hockey throw down. All those mouth guards and short skirts, I hope somebody filmed it.

Blair:
[Scoffs] You're heinous.

Chuck:
Which is probably why you called.

Blair:
You know me well.

Chuck:
Women like to pretend their complicated, I know better.

Chuck:
[Showing Blair photos of Serena entering the Ostroff Center] Admit it, even for me this is good.

Blair:
If you weren't such a perv, I'm sure the CIA would hire you in a second.

Chuck:
Defending my country...there's a future I never imagined.

Blair:
With good reason....What is she doing there?

Chuck:
What's anyone doing there? It's a facility for the disturbed or addicted.

Blair:
You must have your own wing.

Chuck:
You don't get nearly enough credit for your wit.

Serena:
Are you here for another catfight?

[Blair pulls an envelope out of her purse]

Serena:
What's that?

Blair:
A letter. I wrote it to you when you were away at boarding school. I never sent it. [She begins to read it] Dear Serena. My world is falling apart and you're the only one who would understand. My father left my mother for a 31 year-old model. A male model [She scoffs]. I feel like screaming because I don't have anyone to talk to. You're gone, my dad's gone, Nate's acting weird... where are you? [Crying] Why don't you call? Why did you leave without saying goodbye? You're supposed to be my best friend. I miss you so much. Love, Blair.

Serena:
[Tearing up, she trys to regain her composure] Why didn't you send it? I would've

Blair:
You would've what? You knew, Serena. And you didn't even call.

Serena:
I didn't know what to say to you, or even how to be your friend after what I did. [She also begins to cry] I'm so sorry.

Gossip Girl:
Spotted in Central Park. Two white flags waving. Could an Upper East Side peace accord be that far off? So what will it be? Truce or consequences? We all know one nation can't have two queens. What happens next ? Only time will tell. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

Serena:
Britney with the umbrella!...Posh Spice in America!

Gossip Girl:
Hey, Upper East Siders, there's nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a surprise. And we hear Blair Waldorf got a two-for-one special: her mom, Eleanor, who has just returned from Paris, and Serena van der Woodsen... brunch buddies.

Gossip Girl:
Doesn't Chuck know that a party isn't a party until someone crashes?

Gossip Girl:
Is that a smile we see on B's lips? The spotlight is on her, for once, and S actually helped her get it. I guess miracles can happen.

Blair:
What are you doing here? [Referring to Dan] Do I smell pork... and cheese? [To Serena] Okay, well, when you're done with your charity work, why don't you come find me?

Chuck:
[On Carter Baizen] Anyone who trades their trust fund for a fanny pack flies in the face of all that is holy to Chuck Bass.

Blair:
[To Serena's voice mail] Maybe we should crash the shoot, anyway. See who they replaced me with. Make fun of that skinny bitch.

Chuck:
[Hosting a lost weekend] You've lived through Ivy League! And hopefully gained entry to the college of your choice. Now, let's ruin those chances. Let me remind you of the rules. As of this moment, there is no outside world that I do not show you. You eat what I provide, practice what I preach, and till I say so, the only girls you talk to are the ones I've paid for. Let the lost weekend commence.

Carter:
Once you turn away from money you see that it doesn't buy you freedom, it pays for your prison. They say I disappeared, but all I did was break out.

Nate:
So where'd you go?

Carter:
Where didn't I? I did cleanup post Katrina, spent a year rebuilding Manchu Pichu, which let me tell you, changed my life. I bought at HD cam and started filming if for a documentary-

Chuck:
You're the guy who gave us our first joint, snuck us into our first club and you're gonna tell me the life of a YouTube filmaker is better than this. You invented the Lost Weekend.

Nate:
Who cares about a party when you can travel the world? [Chuck scoffs]

Carter:
Exactly, in the real world, all that matters is who you are. Not what you own.

Chuck:
As much as I love the speech about not needing material things from a guy who has that much product in his hair, this party is about excess, not exposition. Stop talking, start partying.

Rufus:
I dated a girl like Serena, once. Actually, a lot like Serena. And girls like that might be challenging. That's true. And they're complicated, and enigmatic. And usually worth it. And the only way you know for sure is to jump it with both feet.

Dan:
What happened with you?

Rufus:
I swam for a while. Till I drowned.

Dan:
Oh. Well, thanks, dad. That's a great story.

Serena:
I'm sorry. You were right.

Blair:
I know.

Serena:
When I got that call, I should have known you had nothing to do with it. I know I should have never pushed you to do this whole thing in the first place.

Blair:
Actually, I'm glad you pushed me. It ended up being a very important day for me. I just thought it was going to be more fun.

Serena:
I know, me too.

Nate:
It's exactly what he [Carter] said. The money, the drugs, the privileges, they're just keeping us numb, so we don't notice it's better out there in the real world.

Chuck:
The real world? Everyone out there wants to be us. We are what you aspire to, not run away from.

Nate:
[Scoffs] You really don't get me do you?

Chuck:
That dream of yours, what is it really? Cause I hear you talk about how you don't wanna go to Dartmouth and how you don't wanna follow in your father's footsteps, but what exactly do you want?

Nate:
All I know is it's not this.

Chuck:
Well you better discover what it is before you throw everything away trying to find it.

Gossip Girl:
Spotted: Lonely Boy's rude awakening. Upper East Side Queens aren't born at the top. They climb their way up in heels, no matter who they have to tread on to do it.

Gossip Girl:
This just then, S and B committing a crime of fashion. Who doesn't love a five fingers discount, especially if one of those fingers is the middle one... Everyone knows you can't choose your family but you can choose you friends. And in a world ruled by bloodlines and bank accounts, it pays to have a pal. As much as a BFF can make you go WTF, there's no denying we'd all be a little less rich without them. And Serena and Blair? They do best friends better than anyone. No, that's not a tear in my eye, it's just allergies. Without you, I'm nothing. Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl:
Here's an inside tip, Little J: the faster you rise, the harder you fall. Hope that Hello Kitty sleeping bag doubles as a parachute.

Blair:
Martini?

Jenny:
No thanks, I don't like vodka.

Blair:
Well, that's good. Because this is gin, as it should be.

Serena:
Are you sure you didn't want any of my dinner? Your entrée was so small.

Dan:
No no, it was amazing. I didn't realize fish could be creamed.

Lily:
So where are you taking my daughter this evening?

Dan:
[Sarcastically] Well, I thought we'd do a tour of New York underground. You know, go visit my friends, the mole people?

Vanessa:
The Pacifier played for like a year.

Dan:
And they said Vin Diesel couldn't do comedy.

Jenny:
Let's play a game.

Chuck:
I'd say strip poker, but I don't have any cards.

Rufus:
Since when were you the patron saint of former rock stars?

Lily:
Since when were you a rock star?

Dan:
Let me just say. For the record. I like you. Only you.

Serena:
Well, that's good because I feel the same about you.

Dan:
Glad that's cleared up.

Gossip Girl:
What was it we say about appearances? Yes, they can be deceiving. But most of the time, what you see is what you get.

Gossip Girl:
Why is it that friends of Serena van der Woodsen have to search for her suitor? Have fables fallen so out of fashion that Princesses have to do everything themselves? Call us old school, but sometimes the Fairy Tale ending requires the Knight to get off his ass and saddle up his steed.

Blair:
Who does this Dan Humphrey think he is? Serena is putting up a strong front, but I can see how hurt she is. We have to help her heal her heart.

Kati:
Blair, it is pretty late notice.

Isabel:
Most of the good ones are already taken.

Blair:
No more excuses! Serena must have the hottest date ever. If he's got plans, he'll change it. If he's got a girlfriend, he'll dump her. If he's out of town, he'll charter a G5 and fly home. Make it happen.

Blair:
Is that a bong, Mother? I didn't take you for a stoner...

Bart Bass:
[to Chuck] What's with the business formal? Are you being arraigned for something?

Gossip Girl:
Spotted: Bass, drunk off his ass, at The Palace bar drinking away his woes... and his investment capital.

Blair:
You want your dad to invest in a strip joint. How midtown.

Chuck:
Hey, burlesque club! A respectable place, where people can be transported to another time. Feel free to let loose with no judgement, pure escape. What happens in Victrola stays in Victrola.

Blair:
Well, it does have franchise potential. Chuck Bass, I do believe all your years of underage boozing and womanizing have finally paid off. Truly, I am proud.

Chuck:
Well, you are my toughest critic. Well, second toughest.

Gossip Girl:
As you might have guessed, Upper East Siders, prohibition never stood a chance against exhibition. It's human nature to be free. And no matter how long you try to be good, you can't keep a bad girl down.

Serena:
So, do you think we should talk about it?

Dan:
Abo- You mean, about, about Vanessa? No, you know what? She's like family, it feels comfortable. So, therefore, she often shows up without calling.

Serena:
No, I mean, about what almost, maybe, might have just happened.

Dan:
Oh, you mean if Vanessa hadn't entered and we...

Serena:
Or we can not talk about it. [Leans in to kiss Dan]

Rufus:
[From outside the room] Dan! We're home. We got breakfast.

Dan:
[Sits up from the bed and turns to Serena] Hungry?

Blair:
So, I heard on Gossip Girl that you were having sex with Dan out here...in streaming video.

Serena:
Oh, God. Kati and Is filmed us?

Blair:
Well, it's not very high school musical scandalous. And no, they haven't streamed it...yet. But, I heard it was aggressive.

Serena:
I must say, Dan has been surprisingly good at everything we've done.

Blair:
Which is? Everything?

Serena:
No! But, feel free to ask any personal questions.

Blair:
But you've talked about it, right?

Serena:
No, mom! We haven't.

Blair:
May I remind you that this is your first real boyfriend, S. And in relationships, you talk about stuff.

Serena:
I know, but, I don't know. Sometimes talking about it or planning it can ruin a good thing, you know?

Blair:
I would know. Well, as long as you're not worried.

Serena:
Well, I'm not. But, I don't know, he might be. Is it possible for a guy to want to slow things down?

Blair:
Only the guys we like. [They both laugh] But with you, I can't imagine why.

Blair:
You know I got moves.

Chuck:
Really? Then why don't you get up there?

Blair:
I'm just saying I have moves.

Chuck:
Come on, you're ten times hotter than any of those girls.

Blair:
I know what you're doing, Bass. [Pause] You really don't think I'll go up there.

Chuck:
I know you won't do it.

Blair:
Guard my drink.

Drag Queen:
Who's that girl?

Chuck:
I have no idea.

Gossip Girl:
As you might have guessed, Upper East Siders, prohibition never stood a chance against exhibition. It's human nature to be free. And no matter how long you try to be good, you can't keep a bad girl down.

Blair:
[On the phone] Hi, this is Blair Waldorf, I was wondering if any of the pieces I put on hold today were picked up. The diamond necklace. Okay, thank you. [Looking up at the ceiling] Thank you, thank you!

Anne:
May I remind you that it was your own rash actions that got us into this predicament.

Nate:
We're in this predicament because Dad has a drug problem. I was trying to help him.

Anne:
Then help him.

Nate:
[About his mom] She wants me to give Blair her ring.

Chuck:
What? You guys broke up.

Nate:
Yeah, I know. I mean, wait, how did you know?

Chuck:
Predictably, your ex ran the old, uh, grill-the-best-friend play.

Gossip Girl:
Whoever thought monarchy was dead didn't realize it just changed zip codes. So, what will it be, Nate? Blair Waldorf's hand or your father's head?

Chuck:
Something as beautiful deserves to be seen on someone worthy of its beauty.

Serena:
Blair, stop. You can talk to me.

Blair:
[Crying] We ended it. I wanted to tell you, but a part of me thought that if I didn't say it out loud, then it wouldn't be true. It was my birthday wish for us to get back together, but now, I think it's really over.

Gossip Girl:
Speak of the devil and he doth appear-wearing his trademark scarf. Careful, B, hell hath no fury like a Chuck Bass scorned.

Chuck:
Are you ready for your present? [Blair pulls his hair] Ow! If you wanted to play rough all you had to do was ask.

Blair:
[Lets go of Chuck's hair] You nauseate me.

Chuck:
All this talk about how you have to be with Nate or the world will end, face it. It's over.

Blair:
You sound like a jealous boyfriend.

Chuck:
Yeah, right. You wish.

Blair:
[Thinks and then lets out a laugh] No... You wish.

Chuck:
Please, you're forgetting who you're talking to.

Blair:
So do you. Do you...like me?

Chuck:
[Pauses] Define like.

Blair:
You've got to be kidding. I do not believe this.

Chuck:
How do you think I feel? I haven't slept, I feel sick, like there's something in my stomach. Fluttering.

Blair:
Butterflies? [Chuck looks horrified] Oh no, no, no, no, this is not happening.

Chuck:
Believe me, no one is more surprised or ashamed than I am.

Blair:
Chuck, you know that I adore all of God's creatures and the metaphors they inspire. But those butterflies, have got to be murdered.

Chuck:
Fine, it wasn't that great anyway.

Blair:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been...awhile since my last confession.

Priest:
What troubles you, my child?

Blair:
[Sighs] After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly twenty minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a Speak-Easy, and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is that he's a total pig who'll act like it never happened, thank God.

Priest:
Ahem.

Blair:
Sorry. Truthfully, I'm not even Catholic.

Priest:
[Sarcastically] You don't say?

Blair:
But losing my virginity to Chuck Bass? None of my friends will ever understand. I'm ready for my punishment. Whatever you and God think is fair. Flogging, fasting, putting that thing with the teeth around my thigh like Silas.

Priest:
How about some food for thought instead? Don't drink, keep your clothes on, try avoiding those who might cause you to stray.

Blair:
Oh, I plan to. Thank you, Father. That was very good advice. [Gets up to leave but comes back] You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?

Priest:
I'm a priest, not a genie.

Blair:
Well, the next time you talk to Him, would you ask Him to send my boyfriend back to me?

Serena:
Mom is such a hypocrite. And all these years, she's been riding me about my behavior.

Eric:
And here, she's just mad at you for being her.

Dan:
And all this time my dad has been giving me advice based on a girl he dated...a girl "a lot like Serena".

Jenny:
Her mom.

Blair:
If you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom was a groupie. I mean, only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your step dads.

Serena:
Blair, can we not talk about my mom's appetite?

Dan:
No, or who satisfied her.

Serena:
That's just...

Dan, Jenny, Eric, and Serena:
Gross!

Rufus:
So, you're not overreacting per se. You're just having a reaction that is so above and beyond what is appropriate.

Alison:
I have been killing myself, trying to make up for what happened in Hudson.

Rufus:
Which is not an overreaction, I might add.

Alison:
And then I find out that the two of you are making out at a party.

Lily:
Uh, it was hardly making out. And there's an explanation.

Serena:
I don't want a bath.

Nate:
Aw, too bad, Blair's direct orders.

Serena:
Blair's not the boss of me.

Nate:
Are you in here? Because Blair is the boss of all of us. Seriously, Serena, you smell like the floor of a brewery.

Serena:
I do not!

Nate:
Yes, you do.

Serena:
Oh, my God. Yes, I do.

Nate:
Yeah.

Serena:
A brewery floor with a hint of second hand smoke.

Nate:
And a pint of Old Spice.

Serena:
I totally need a bath.

Nate:
Yes, you do.

Serena:
Blair's a bossy genius.

Nate:
Yeah, she is.

Serena:
[Using the shower head as a mic] So, what about you?

Nate:
What about me? I don't smell like an ashtray.

Serena:
But you look like an ass-tray.

Lily:
There's nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving.

Serena:
What?!

Lily:
Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever. Look, a pumpkin! It's festive, yes?

Serena:
We're gonna eat a pumpkin?

Gossip Girl:
As per Gossip Girl Thanksgiving tradition, I'm trading my laptop for stove-top. And for the next sixteen hours, the only thing I'm dishing is seconds. When the cat's away, the mice will play. Have fun, little rodents!

Gossip Girl:
Spotted: Chuck Bass losing something no one knew he had to begin with... his heart.

Blair:
What was that?

Chuck:
I should ask you the same question. Perfect gentleman? Perfect date? That broken record was a hit last year. Get with the times, he bores you.

Blair:
You almost made a fool of me in front of the New York Times. Which proves my very point: you can't be trusted. Nate is a gentleman. He would never cause a scene.

Chuck:
Never get your blood going, either.

Blair:
Speaking of going, that's what you should do. Carter Baizen is on his way here, right now.

Chuck:
What? What the hell are you doing with Carter Baizen?

Blair:
He left his jacket here yesterday and I'd rather you be gone when he got here. There have been enough scenes for today.

Gossip Girl:
This just in-we hear there's a cold war brewing between Lonely Boy and a certain blue blood. We never thought we'd say this ourselves...

Serena:
There you are. What's going on?

Dan:
I'll tell you what's going on. I just became your escort to the ball.

Gossip Girl:
But our money's on Brooklyn for the win.

Nate:
I just don't get it. I organized everything the way she likes it. I mean, I even made sure my bow tie matched her dress.

Chuck:
Like the book says, "She's just not that into you."

Gossip Girl:
Serena van der Woodsen, looks like your invitation just arrived...with strings attached. Come out, come out wherever you are.

Blair:
What are you doing here, Nate?

Nate:
Well, I, um... Look, you know, after rehearsal I just, uh, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I mean, the ball's something we've talked about doing together since we were, like ten years old. And I've given you every reason to hate me.

Blair:
True. Keep going.

Nate:
And the Prince, he's a great dancer and all. But, is there any chance you'd go with me instead? For old times' sake.

Blair:
Nate, after what you pulled on my birthday, the only thing we should be doing together is moving on.

Nate:
Yeah, I know. [Pause] Look, I haven't worn this sweater since forever. I just pulled it off, and I found this. [Shows Blair the heart pin]

Blair:
It's my pin. I sewed it there so you would always have my heart on your sleeve.

Nate:
I know. I figured you might want it back or something.

Blair:
No! It was a gift. [Considers Nate's offer] The Prince will understand. Maybe we should go to the ball together... as friends.

Nate:
Absolutely.

Blair:
But only as friends.

Nate:
Just friends.

Chuck:
[Via text message] So how did you fake your virginity for N?

Gossip Girl:
[About Blair] Looks like Daddy's girl isn't sugar and spice and everything nice after all.

Dan:
The arts and crafts were impressive, but how did you manage the real snow?

Serena:
[Laughs] I'm well connected.

Dan:
This is, without question, the best Christmas ever.

Serena:
Ever. In the history of Christmas.

Roman:
Eleanor, we've been friends for a long time. Since before Marc Jacobs went into rehab.

Eleanor:
Friends don't steal other friends' husbands.

Blair:
You know, I called you about an hour ago, BTW. You're late.

Serena:
Um, you're lucky I'm even here at all. It's Christmas Eve and I still haven't found a gift for Dan. Now, all the stores are closing and I'm totally screwed. Do you have any idea what you can buy for under fifty dollars these days?

Blair:
I don't know. A single entrée in a mid-price restaurant? Three-quarters of a DVD box set? Maybe a pair of Wilfrid stockings?

Serena:
Oh, stockings! Yes! Great idea for Dan! Blair, please, this is serious.

Blair:
I don't know, why don't you buy him a gold money clip for forty-nine, ninety-nine. He won't know the difference.

Gossip Girl:
Some families actually do make the Yuletide gay, managing to leave their troubles far away. [scene cuts to the Humphreys] Other families have a merry little Christmas even when their troubles aren't so far away. [scene cuts to the van der Woodsens] Some presents might end up getting returned. Some gifts are for keeps. [scene cuts to Rufus standing outside the Palace] Other presents come when you least expect them. [scene cuts back to Bart Bass down on one knee] And everyone knows the biggest present comes in the smallest box. [scene cuts to Blair picking up her phone to read Chuck's text message] Then there are those boxes you wish you had never opened. Have a holly, jolly Christmas! XOXO Gossip Girl.

Chuck:
How glad are you that our two families are merging together, sis?

Serena:
So glad that if you ever call me that again it will be the last thing you ever say, Chuck!

Gossip Girl:
Who knew B and C were such patrons of the arts? Call it philanthropy or bribery, it looks like everyone has their price...

Vanessa:
You're sick!

Chuck:
You're welcome!

Gossip Girl:
Spotted: Lonely Boy learning that when the punishment fits the crime, there's no reason you can't serve your sentence in style...

Vanessa:
[to Chuck]: What's that? Your stripper money?

Blair:
[to Ms. Queller] I'm innocent. Well, except for a crime of passion. I did something stupid with someone and even worse than doing that stupid thing I did the same stupid thing with someone else and pretended I had never done that stupid thing before. You look confused, should I walk you through it?

Vanessa:
So what will it be, Dan? Cheerios and Chaucer, or an illegal party at your prep school pool with your high society girlfriend and her nasty cohorts?

Dan:
Dad. Vanessa and I are going out.

Chuck:
[to Serena] Why don't I turn that one-piece into a no-piece?

Blair:
If you didn't pay your rent with it, what did you do with Chuck's money?

Vanessa:
I may have created a medical grant for teens with genital herpes. In his name.

Rufus:
I need to know how you and Jenny would feel if I went out tonight, for a drink...with a woman.

Dan:
Well, I guess I'd feel like you shouldn't wear that shirt or there will not be a second date.

Rufus:
Really?

Dan:
Really, really.

Rufus:
Thanks. Now I guess I just have to worry about Jenny then.

[Jenny comes in]

Dan:
Good morning.

Jenny:
Hi.

Rufus:
Good morning sunshine!

Jenny:
Dad. Where'd you get that shirt?

Rufus:
What's wrong with this shirt?

Jenny:
Nothing, as long as you don't plan to wear it out of the house.

Dan:
Worse. He plans on wearing on a date.

Rufus:
For drinks, if that's okay.

Jenny:
Whatever.

Dan:
Hey! What are you doing here?

Serena:
I need to know why you love me.

Dan:
Because I do.

Serena:
I really want to trust you when you say those words, Dan, so maybe if I knew why, I'd stop being so scared of hearing them and afraid to say them.

Dan:
Okay. Well, if you want to talk about why...

Serena:
It has to do with my mom and her many marriages.

Dan:
There. that's why. Because I actually like it when you interrupt me, which is often, by the way. I love you because you make no apologies about being exactly who you are... Beautiful, smart, sexy as hell.

Serena:
Now you're embarrassing me.

Dan:
That's another reason. You're totally unaware of the effects you have on me. You're also completely unaware that you laugh like a 4 year old. [Serena laughs] Just like that. And I love you because you can be with someone like me and still be best friends with someone like Blair.

Serena:
: Yeah, well, I tried to be.

Dan:
I know you do, and that's not easy, but you never give up on her. That is how amazing you are.

Serena:
Well, you're amazing, too, for being able to say all of those things, you just are. [They kiss] And I love you... But I have to go.

Dan:
What? what- what is it this time?

Serena:
One of the many reasons you love me. [Blows Dan a kiss]

Blair:
Is there a reason you're here?

Serena:
Stay. Don't let these things make you run away like it did me. Like it does everybody in our world.

Blair:
Every thing's horrible. My whole life is falling apart.

Serena:
So, rebuild it. You're a Waldorf, remember? People don't tell you who you are, you tell them. Stay and fight. I'll fight with you.

Blair:
I'm so embarrassed. I'm so...

Serena:
So, what? Start over. It can be done, I should know. We can get through this together.

Blair:
Promise?

Serena:
Promise. [hugs Blair]

Blair:
Did you tell Dan I slept with Chuck?

Serena:
What?

Blair:
You did You told your low rent boyfriend and he told his social climbing sister who wears my hand-me-downs who blabbed to Nate!

Serena:
No, Blair - Dan and Jenny aren't like that. They would never do that.

Blair:
You don't get it, do you? The rules are different for the Serena van der Woodsens of the world. People expect you to be party and be wild, sleep with whoever you want, run away, come back...You shot your reputation to hell a long time ago. It doesn't matter what you do but I'm a Waldorf!

Serena:
Well since you and your reputation obviously don't need me and my low rent tastes, you and the Waldorf name can weather this storm alone.

Blair:
I will.

Nate:
Did you sleep with her huh? You son of a bitch, I ought to kill you!

Chuck:
Can we talk about this without your hands around my neck?

Nate:
What did you do? Did you get want you want like you did with all those other girls?

Chuck:
Yes, Nathaniel! I took what Blair kept throwing at you and what you kept throwing back!

Nate:
Oh, so somehow you screwing Blair for sport is my fault?

Chuck:
It wasn't for sport. She needed someone and I was there.

Nate:
Oh, so you cared about her?

Chuck:
You guys were broken up.

Nate:
For how long? A week? An hour?

Chuck:
Look, I am sorry, alright! Look, I know how long you and I have been best friends, okay!

Nate:
No it's not okay, Chuck. From now on you stay away from me. [Walks off]

Chuck:
Nate.

Nate:
You hear what I said? You stay the hell away from me Chuck!

Blair:
You're all I have left.

Chuck:
Actually, you don't even have me.

Blair:
Enough.

Chuck:
I'll try to be more succinct. You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate and untouched. But now you're like...one of the Arabians my father used to own. Rode hard and put away wet. I don't want you anymore and I can't see why anyone else would.

Blair:
Cat! Cat! Cat! Ew!

Nate:
You don't have a cat, Jenny.

Blair:
My name is Blair.

Nate:
You don't have anyone. [Smirking]

Blair:
But I'm Blair! I'M BLAIR!!!

[Blair gets woken up by Dorota from her dream]

Blair:
What's happening?

Dorota:
You have bad dream and you're sleeping with your chocolate.

Blair:
Lady Godiva, my only friend.

Serena:
What are you doing?

Erik:
I'm hiding from my valet. He wanted to put my socks on me this morning. Your servants are very attentive.

Chuck:
You should meet Brigita.

Serena:
No, no, he should not meet Brigita! He's fourteen! Avoid this person.

Chuck:
Do I have to remind you, Serena, that you USED to have a sense of humor?

Serena:
No! [gives death stare]

Lily [to Serena]:
Oh, don't put your dirty package on the table.

Chuck:
If I had a dime for every time I've heard that...

[Erik chuckles at Chuck's comment]

Serena:
Constance bad-girl-turned-good, Serena van der Woodsen, moves in with, Chuck Bass.

[Blair laughs]

Serena:
[To Chuck who is in her bathroom, sitting on the sink with the water in the shower running] What are you doing?

Chuck:
Alright, Ladies, my sister needs to shower. Make room. [Serena looks at the empty shower stall] I'm just messing with you.

Serena:
[Sees his discarded marijuana joints] I can't believe you lit up in my bathroom!

Chuck:
Well if I lit up in mine, the folks would know it was me, sis.

Serena:
Oh okay, let's get one thing straight. Our parents may be insisting on blending households but I am not your sister. I do not share any of your DNA, nor do I ever wish to.

Chuck:
Then I suggest you get new hand towels.

Serena:
B, I say this out of love. But you being a bitch is what got dairy in your hair in the first place, okay? Be nice and neutral and things will swing back to normal. You're the Queen Bee, just let nature take its course.

Blair:
What does she think she's doing?

Serena:
She's giving you the perfect opportunity for niceness. C'mon, be nice!

Jenny:
Serena, I know you're doing something with Dan tonight. But Blair, um, we're all going to Butter and I was wondering if you wanted to join us?

Serena:
She'd be delighted. YES! [Serena claps for excitement] BUTTER!

Jenny:
Great.

Serena:
Great! [Serena smiling happily]

Blair:
Very nice.

Serena:
Thank you.

Nate:
Hey, so, I may have told Blair you told me the truth about her and Chuck. And I'm sure she didn't applaud to that. Look, you don't know what you're dealing with here.

Jenny:
I'm not scared of Blair, Nate.

Nate:
No, I'm not talking about... I'm talking about your new circle. I mean, they've been friends with Blair since forever and look what they're doing to her! You fall out of line, what do you think is going to happen to you?

Jenny:
Well, then, I won't fall out of line.

Nate:
I'm not saying you're going to... Look, just, you're not like those girls, Jenny.

Jenny:
That's weird, Nate. You'd think they're my friends, so we'd have some stuff in common.

Nate:
Okay. Well, I will give you this - you've got good aim.

Blair:
How do you manage to get out of everything unscathed?

Serena:
Because I'm nice. You should try it sometime. C'mon, um, compliment me, tell me my hair looks beautiful.

Blair:
But your hair looks disgusting. Did you even shower today?

Nate:
Next time your sister's band is in town, I want front row seats.

Vanessa:
[laughs] You don't strike me as a lesbian punk fan.

Nate:
You know, I'm almost offended by how much you underestimate me, Miss Abrams.

Vanessa:
You like punk?

Nate:
Oh, I didn't hear you... You said punk? Because you had me at lesbian.

Vanessa:
[laughs] Right. Didn't see that coming.

Nate:
Think your parents would adopt an seventeen-year-old?

[Vanessa laughs]

Nate:
Maybe?

Nate:
So...

Vanessa:
So...

Nate:
I guess this is goodnight, then?

Vanessa:
I don't live here, you know.

Nate:
No, I know.

Vanessa:
I'm just grabbing my laptop.

Nate:
Oh. [Nate looks as if he really wants to kiss Vanessa]

Vanessa:
Do you want to come inside?

Nate:
Umm... [looks inside shop]

[awkwardness between Vanessa and Nate]

Vanessa:
God, this does feel like that doorstep moment.

Nate:
And what moment would that be?

[Nate looks at Vanessa and kisses her]

Serena:
You don't even talk to her. Why do you care how she does?

Blair:
Nelly Yuki has her sights sets on Yale, too. What are the odds of them accepting two girls from Constance? And have you seen Nelly Yuki's extra-curriculars? I need to kick her well-rounded ass!

Serena:
And they say you've lost your edge...

Blair:
Nelly Yuki must be destroyed.

Serena:
Why do you keep saying her name?

Blair:
Because it's Nelly Yuki! [Serena laughs] Ew, gross, incoming Chuck. You coming?

Serena:
No, I gotta wait for Dan. He's stressed, he doesn't do very well with tests so...

Blair:
Performance anxiety? [grins at Serena]

Serena:
Bye Blair.

Georgina:
I'd like to propose a toast: To the new you.

Serena:
To the new me.

[a dog barks and chases a ball that landed near Dan]

Dan:
Yo, hey buddy, there you go.

Georgina:
Oh, awww, Georgie, hey, bad boy. Sorry he disturbed you.

Dan:
Well, uh, it's fine. I love dogs.

Georgina:
Really. Do you have any?

Dan:
No, uh, we used to have a cat, uh, but, you know, sister, allergies. Now he lives with my aunt in Florida. Never calls, never writes, never visits...it's all very depressing.

Georgina:
Um, I'm Sarah, by the way. [shakes Dan's hand]

Dan:
I'm Dan. Nice to meet you, Sarah. [shakes Sarah's hand]

Georgina:
Oh, hi, sweetie. Let me just call someone to... [Serena cuts in]

Serena:
I don't want you to ever contact me again.

Georgina:
Just because of a few nights of harmless fun?

Serena:
It wasn't fun waking up and not knowing where I was. It wasn't fun missing the SATs and it DEFINITELY wasn't fun lying to Dan.

Georgina:
[snorts] And this is all my fault because... [Serena cuts in]

Serena:
It's my fault because I make huge mistakes when I'm with you.

Elise:
Jenny, why'd you want to meet here?

Jenny:
Well, I was thinking, what is the one thing that no one in our group has - even Blair?

Elise:
Compassion?

Jenny:
[laughs] No, a boyfriend. If I'm gonna make it to Queen, I need a King.

Elise:
Queen Elizabeth never had a boyfriend.

Jenny:
But she only had the Spanish to conquer and I have Blair Waldorf.

Elise:
What's top qualification?

Jenny:
He has to be cute.

Elise:
But not full of himself. [laughs]

Jenny:
He has to be from the right kind of family. Eugh, but not disgusting.

[Jenny and Elise both laugh]

[Asher walking his dogs accidentally walks into Jenny and she drops her hotdog]

Asher:
Oh, oh, so sorry. Are you okay?

Jenny:
Yeah. [laughs] My lunch isn't though.

Asher:
Uh, let me give you my last dollar.

Jenny:
Oh, I couldn't. You shouldn't be walking the streets with no money.

Asher:
Let's just settle for an IOU, then.

Jenny:
It's just a hotdog.

Asher:
That just makes an excuse to give this to you. It's my number.

Jenny:
[laughs] Thank you, uh, I mean it's fine, I'm not even really that hungry anyway.

Asher:
Well, if you change your mind.

[Asher walks away with his dogs and continuously turns around to look at Jenny, she does the same]

Elise:
[Jenny throws the piece of paper Guy gve her in the bin] What are you doing? He's gorgeous.

Jenny:
He's a dogwalker. I need a King, not a jester. [Jenny sighs] C'mon.

Serena:
This is not about last year, Georgina, it's about last night!

Georgina:
Like you are some innocent bystander who walked in on... [Serena cuts in]

Serena:
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT IT, GEORGINA, OKAY? And neither are you. If I'm going down, you're going down with me. In the meantime? Stay out of my life.

Georgina:
I don't need anyone in my life who doesn't want to be there.

Serena:
Then we're agreed.

[Georgina slams her door angrily]

Lily:
Where do you think you're going?

Serena:
I can't talk right now Mom, I'll explain later.

Lily:
If you invite an old friend to our quiet family dinner, I expect you to stay and eat.

[Georgina walks in the room]

Lily:
You know how I'd always love it when Georgina came around.

Georgina:
I ran into Lily in the lobby. You totally forgot to tell Lily I was coming for dinner.

[Serena and Georgina have an awkward friendly hello kiss]

Georgina:
Did you get my present?

[Georgina grins while Serena fakes a smile and realises that Georgina is up to something]

Blair:
What happened? What's wrong? Talk to me.

Serena:
[Serena starts crying] I can't.

Blair:
Of course you can.

Serena:
[sobbing] No, no, B, this is the one thing I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone.

Blair:
I'm not anyone. I'm me, you can tell me anything.

Serena:
[sobbing] No I can't, because then you'll be a part of this and I can't let you be a part of this.

Blair:
What are you talking about? You're starting to scare me.

[Serena sobbing]

Blair:
Hey, hey, hey, we're sisters. You're my family. What is you is me. There's nothing that you could ever say to make me let go. I love you.

[Serena still crying tries not to answer the question]

Blair:
What is it?

Serena:
I killed someone.

[Serena stops crying and stares at Blair. Blair is staring back at Serena shocked as ever]

Asher:
Do you really think that someone like me would date someone like you, Jenny from Brooklyn?

Erik:
I mean, people thought that I was Gossip Girl.

Serena:
[laughs] You have to admit, it made sense at the time.

Erik:
Why would I stand here if front of everyone we know and tell them if it wasn't true? I'm gay, and so are you.

Georgina:
Because I can.

Serena:
This is not a game!

Georgina:
Aww c'mon, I'm just having a little fun.

Hazel:
It's kinda hard to party after the gay bomb drops.

Georgina:
I mean there must be love in the New York air. You're engaged, Serena's found a new guy, Erik's found himself a boyfriend...

[Lily, Serena and Erik all are shocked by what Goergina had said]

Erik:
Excuse me?

Lily:
[a bit confused] Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right?

Georgina:
What, you haven't met Serena's new guy?

Lily:
Uh, boyfriend?!

Georgina:
Oh, you mean Erik? You didn't know he was dating someone? I didn't think it was a secret, I mean, I saw them kissing in front of St Jude's this morning for the world to see. [Erik looking uncomfortable while Georgina gladly reveals the secret]Well, don't look so embarassed, E, he is a hot piece. Well done!

Serena:
Please, Georgina, it's not funny, okay?

Georgina:
Oh! Um, you didn't know Erik was dating a boy?

Lily:
That doesn't make any sense because that would mean... that Erik is... and he's not, [sighs uncomfortably] he's just not.

[close up of Erik who is lost for words]

Lily:
Are you? [realising that Georgina was telling the truth] God...

[Erik see his mother's disappointment and runs off]

Serena:
Erik! [sighs] Great, Mom, that's just great. [Serena looks to Georgina] How dare you?!

[Georgina looks innocent as if she has done nothing wrong]

Blair:
My, my. If it isn't Little J, risen from the ashes.

Jenny:
I came to tell you in person. You win.

Blair:
Oh, sweetie, we just started to play.

Jenny:
No, you don't understand. I'm done. With you, with them - all of it.

Blair:
Just like that, you wave the white flag.

Jenny:
I lied. And I stole and I lost the respect of my family. For what, so I can be like you? You asked me before if it was all worth it. And my answer is, it's not.

Blair:
I tried to warn you. There's a price to pay. I always knew a girl like you couldn't afford it.

Jenny:
Well, you were right.

Blair:
[sighs] Well, you put up a good fight. For a freshman.

Jenny:
Thanks.

Blair:
[sarcastically] Hope you don't expect a hug.

Jenny:
I don't expect anything anymore.

Serena:
Salud, Chuck! Yes, I'm still fine. I haven't heard from Georgina in two weeks, so if you'd stop calling me I'd finally be rid of all of my monsters. Bye.

Vanessa:
You can read about it all day long, but you have to walk the city to know it.

Sarah:
Okay, look, anything is better than getting lost of the train every day.

Vanessa:
Subway. Click those heels, you're not in Portland anymore.

Sarah:
Seriously, you and Dan are so sweet to adopt me. And I'd be a mess without you guys. Well, more of a mess then I already am. [laughs]

Sarah:
Are there any new developments?

Dan:
Uh, no, no, more of the same. Jenny and her boyfriend are inseparable and Jenny is more insufferable.

Vanessa:
Give her a break, Asher's her first love.

Dan:
It's infatuation, it's not love.

Sarah:
Yeah, but to a fifteen-year-old girl, there isn't a difference.

[Dan realises Sarah and Vanessa have a point]

Vanessa:
And how long did it take you, Dan?

Dan:
Uh, um, that's a little different, Vanessa. It took me... [Vanessa interrupts]

Vanessa:
Uh, one glance at a ninth grade birthday party.

Dan:
Yes, but two years to obsess over.

Sarah:
So things are better with Serena?

Dan:
Serena, yeah, yeah, good memory.

Sarah:
Right.

Dan:
Things are finally back to normal.

Sarah:
Good. Well, I mean, you know, it's tough making friends in a new city. It would be really nice to meet her.

Dan:
Yeah, Serena would love you. She loves everybody. Not that she wouldn't like you because she doesn't discriminate. Um, see what she meant about that rambling thing? [Vanessa laughs] How's tonight?

Sarah:
Tonight would be perfect.

Dan:
Good. See you.

Gossip Girl:
You know, it's kind of funny, how you can find meaning from things you wouldn't think to look at. Like on a TV show- The truth always comes out, it's one of the fundamental rules of time. And when it comes out it can set you free, or end everything you've fought so hard for. Another way the truth comes out - when you don't even mean it to, or when, without saying a word, it's still heard loud and clear. But the worst thing the truth can do? Is when you finally tell it, it doesn't set you free, but locks you away forever.

Blair:
[to Nate and Chuck] I need your help.

Nate:
What's going on with her?

Chuck:
[on his cell] Serena didn't come home last night.

Dan:
Did you sleep with someone else?

Serena:
Yes.

Dan:
I'm done. [Dan walks away disgusted and angry and Serena starts crying]

Georgina:
From the moment I met you, I've been falling for you.

Dan:
You want to just go somewhere we can talk? Somewhere quiet?

Serena:
Dan puts me on a pedestal. If he knew the truth he would never look at me again.

Chuck:
You're starting to scare even me. What did you do?

Nate:
C'mon, you can tell us.

Blair:
We've seen you with vomit in your hair, making out with investment bankers in the men's room at PJ Clarks. You don't have to hide anything from us.

Nate:
She's right, Serena, I mean none of us are saints.

Blair:
Yeah. [points back at Chuck] I had sex with him in the back of a limo.

Chuck:
Several times.

Nate:
I had sex with you, at a wedding while I was her date. [looks at Chuck] Once.

[Blair looks back at Chuck waiting for him to say something to comfort Serena]

Chuck:
I'm Chuck Bass.

Blair:
You can tell us anything. [Serena shakes her head] We don't judge. We're the non-judging Breakfast Club. We're your best friends. Anything you do is something we did too.

[Serena looks at Blair, Nate and Chuck]

Serena:
If I tell you, it can never leave this room.

Nate:
What about her?

Serena:
Well, something happened the night of the Shepards' wedding.

Blair:
I think we're all aware of what happened that night.

Serena:
No, something else. Something I've tried to escape but Georgina won't let me. And now she's blackmailing me.

Nate:
[shocked] Blackmailing you?

Chuck:
With what, exactly?

Serena:
Well, it started when Blair thought you and I had too much to drink. She told us to get some air, go outside, sober up.

[FLASHBACK - In the bar with Nate at the Shepards' Wedding]

Serena:
If the happy couple didn't want the cashier for the premium bar, they should have made it BYOB.

[PRESENT]

Serena:
Instead, we ended up in the bar and I opened that bottle of champagne and we... well...

Blair:
We can skip that part, okay?

Chuck:
Go ahead, I'll fill her in later.

Serena:
I left in a hurry. I felt so terrible, so guilty for what I'd just done. I just... I had to get out of there.

[FLASHBACK - Serena calling for a cab]

Serena:
[to the cab driver] East Hill Hotel, please.

[PRESENT]

Serena:
Georgina and I had plans to meet up after, so I headed straight to her... little did I know, she had a surprise waiting for me.

Dorota:
'[on the phone with Lily]' I think you should have worry about your daughter. Worry like before she went away.

Serena:
Because I would rather Dan think I cheated on him than know what I really did.

Nate:
What you really did?

Georgina:
It's Serena! She goes down for anything.

[Blair wakes up confused to see Chuck sleeping on her bed and slaps him]

Chuck:
Ow!

Blair:
Who? What? When? Where? Why?

Chuck:
We were up late plotting against Georgina, we must have dozed off.

Blair:
And you were on the floor.

Chuck:
I didn't want to hurt my back.

Blair:
Why? It's not like you ever do anything athletic.

Chuck:
Well, that's not entirely true, now is it?

Blair:
Fine, nothing that requires you removing your scarf.

Chuck:
That was one time, it was chilly.

Blair:
Ugh, enough about the past. Before you landed in my bed, we actually landed on a good idea.

[Chuck looks at his watch]

Chuck:
Well, I trust you can take it from here. I have a best man speech to write and no time to write it.

Blair:
Don't worry, I can be bitch enough for both of us.

Chuck:
I've still got the scars on my back to prove it. [Blair pushes him out the door] You know, they say if you love something, you should set it free.

Blair:
Ugh! They say when you hate something, you should slam the door in its face!

Chuck:
I love it when you talk dirty, Blair. [Blair slams the door in his face]

Gossip Girl:
The only thing feared by the spawn of Satan; Mom and Dad. Leave it to Blair Waldorf to know that bitches don't just happen-they're made.

Blair:
There, there Georgie. It's going to be okay.

Georgina's Mom:
No. This time it won't.

Blair:
Or it won't. Your parents were so worried G. They told me everything. How you were supposed to be on the Equestrian Circuit but sold your show pony for cocaine.

Georgina:
That was a difficult time... but I put that behind me.

Blair:
When? When you were in rehab? It's hard to get cleaned when you hitch-hike in a town, steal a credit card, and book a ticket to Ibiza.

Georgina:
You didn't see where they sent me. I mean, that place was awful. It was..it was in Utah. At least I lasted longer than Lohan.

Blair:
[talking to Georgina] Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here.

Blair:
No one ever enjoys their first time.

Chuck:
Except you.

Serena:
[to Nate] Hey, if you ever want to reflect alone together, I'll be around.

Gossip Girl:
They say love conquers all... but maybe love never met Georgina Sparks. Poor Humphrey. Looks like our resident moral compass isn't such a straight arrow after all.

Serena:
When I told my mom not to go away with Rufus, I told her it was because you and I were forever. I know I was right.

Georgina:
One last battle and the war is won.

Blair:
Best man speech going that well?

Chuck:
There won't be a dry eye in the house, trust me. How did things go with Whore-gina?

Blair:
Not a dry eye there either.

Chuck:
Didn't know I wasn't missed?

Blair:
Dan Humphrey actually lent a hand it was nice to see him get his dirty for once. I'm not sure how much fun he had though, no one ever enjoys their first time. [Fixes Chuck's bowtie.]

Chuck:
Except you, save me a dance? [Blair grabs hold of Chuck who was irritated by what Chuck said]

Blair:
Now that Georgina's done, so are you and I, she was the last thing we had in common. [Kicks Chuck's shin, Chuck grunts after Blair kicks him] Ha, break a leg [sarcastically]

Chuck:
I think I just did.

Chuck:
I need to talk to you. Your father's leaving.

Nate:
He just stepped out to call my mom.

Vanessa:
Everything okay? [Chuck says "no" at the same time that Nate says "yes"]

Chuck:
He had his car brought around.

Nate:
He probably left his phone in it.

Chuck:
Right before the ceremony I saw him with a guy doing a deal. Looked like drugs.

Nate:
My father is clean, Chuck. What are you spying on him?

Chuck:
Look, I know you hate me. I was in love with Blair and I'm sorry. We do not have time to argue about this.

Nate:
Thank you.

Chuck:
It's your dad. It's bigger than...all the other stuff.

Nate:
I'm sorry...for all of it. [They shake hands]

Chuck:
So am I.

Nate:
So you said you loved her. Uh, never heard you say that before...about anyone.

Chuck:
[Giving the best man speech at Bart's wedding to Lilly.] My father is someone who goes after what he wants and Lilly Van der Woodsen is no exception. In typical Bass man fashion his pursuit was direct and at times...not exactly subtle. [Chuck looks at Blair and then puts down his cue cards] One thing I learned from my father's courtship of Lilly is the importance of perseverance, that in the face of true love you don't just give up - even if the object of your affection is begging you to. And one thing I learned from Lilly is the importance of forgiveness. She gave my father the gift of a second chance and in kind, I've watched them become someone actually worthy of that gift. And one day, I hope I'll be lucky enough to find someone who'll do the same for me. To the happy couple.

Blair:
That was quite a speech. All your hard work must've paid off.

Chuck:
That wasn't what I wrote. [They begin to dance] I was inspired in the moment...Look, I know I said some horrible things. Even for me.

Blair:
You mean like blogging to Gossip girl about our sex life and comparing me to your dad's sweaty, old horse?

Chuck What's your point?

Blair:
What's yours?

Chuck:
You don't belong with Nate, never have, never will.

Blair:
You don't belong with anyone. [They kiss.]

Chuck:
Let's take it slow this time. Do it right.

Blair:
Chuck Bass is a romantic. Who knew?

Chuck:
Now you do. That's all that matters.

Nate:
Where's the girl?

Chuck:
In my dreams, I was trying to get some shuteye. What's on your mind?

Nate:
It's my mom.

Chuck:
Sounds Freudian.

Nate:
She wants me to give Blair her ring.

Chuck:
What? You guys broke up.

Nate:
Yeah, I know. I mean, wait, how did you know?

Chuck:
Predictably, your ex ran the old, uh, grill-the-best-friend play. Tried to find out where your head was at. So uh...where is your head?

Nate:
Spinning. I mean, my mom wants me to get back with Blair so Eleanor won't pull out of their business deal. It's all cause of my dad's whole trial thing, you know?

Chuck:
Hey, I'm sorry about all that. But look, if you're done with Blair, be done. Don't cave to your parents wishes if they're not your desires.

Nate:
Excuse me? Where's my boy? Seal the deal, tap that ass? Money marries bigger money?

Chuck:
Look, I care about three things Nathaniel. Money, the pleasures money brings me and you. I'm just trying to have your back here. Your parents have been controlling you your whole life, if it doesn't end now, when will it ever?