Adventure Time, Season 3

Finn:
Get the camera, Jake!

Jake:
I can't! I'm paralyzed by the cuteness!

Finn and Jake:
Beemo! Beemo! Beemo! Beemo!

BMO:
[pushes Finn and Jake aside] What? What? What? What?

Finn and Jake:
Beemo, get the camera!

BMO:
BMO is camera.

Finn:
I'm gonna go manhandle those guyses banandles!

Jake:
AHH!! MY BURRITO!!

Finn:
It's perfectly fine!

Jake:
No, Finn... They probably POISONED it!!

Finn:
Nahhhhh.

Jake:
They knew my name... They knew about the burrito...

Finn:
Man, you're letting your brain dial turn your fear volume up. You'll see. Those Cuties are nothing but an afternoon's delight.

Jake:
Oh no! AHH NO!!

Finn:
Jake, what is it?

Jake:
Ahh no! It's a dead goat, man! Its guts are all over the place! It's all chopped up and spread around and... Ah no, wait, it's just a blanket.

Finn:
What's for B-fast, Jake?

Jake:
Everything Burrito!

Finn:
Hahh!

[Jake wraps the burrito]

Jake:
I love you, Everything Burrito.

Finn:
Get ready, y'all. Together, we FALL. [CB falls]

LSP:
Not yet, Cinnamon Bun!

Cute King:
I command you to make me a sandwich!

Ice King:
WHAT!?? No one demands the Ice King to make no sandwich!

Jake:
Gotta liven up this unhallowed ground.. for Finn.

On a tropical island

Underneath a molten lava moon

Hangin' with the hula dancers

Asking questions cos they got all the answers...

Baby Finn:
I'm a buff baby that can dance like a man,

I can shake-ah my fanny, I can shake-ah my can!

I'm a tough tootin' baby, I can punch-ah yo' buns!

Punch-ah yo' buns, I can punch all yo' buns!

If you're an evil witch, I will punch you for fun!

Marceline:
That's the last straw, Ash! That's it! You're a psycho jerk and you ruined my life...

Ash:
But... But not all of it-

Marceline:
IT'S OVER, YOU PSYCHO!!!!

Jake:
Hey wizard, how'd you know Marceline?

Wizard:
I'm her spirit animal.

Jake:
Oh.

[Finn and Jake watch a familiar person eating fries]

Finn:
[whisper] Yo, man.

Marceline's Dad:
Whua??

Finn:
Don't eat those.

[a younger hipster Marceline enters the scene]

Marceline's Dad:
[spluttering] Marceline!

Marceline:
[sniff] Daddy? Why?

Wizard:
Faster! She's in danger!

Jake:
Who's he talking about?

Finn:
I have NO idea.

Jake:
What!? Then why'm I runnin' so hard?

Finn:
Because…

Wizard:
Because she's in trouble!

Finn and Jake:
Who is?

Wizard:
MARCELI-I-I-INE!!

Finn:
Faster, Jake!

Jake:
She's in trouble!

Wizard:
If you fail, Marceline will be trapped in eternal sleep.. FOREVER!!!

[both gasp!]

Wizard:
And everr! And everrr~!!

Finn:
Ice King! How many times have we warned you about using love potion?

Ice King:
That's why I'm using honey.

Jake:
Man, who cares if it's honey? You stink anyways!

Finn:
YOU'RE GROUNDED!!!

Ice King:
I know but.. SHUSH!!

Jake:
Dude, you see my masterpiece coming together, right?

Finn:
Mine's whack.

Jake:
Well put some meat in there!

Finn:
Huh. What kinda meat is that?

Jake:
That's Meat Man's meat.

Finn:
Do ya think it hurts Meat Man when he gives us his meat?

Jake:
I dunno, I can't read his mind.

Ice King:
Whoa, you are fast! [beat] And quiet. [long beat] And very good at dramatic silence, I like it.

Ice King:
"Dear Mr. Scorcher, I would like you to hit to people. Neat name by the way. Love, the Ice King."

Jake:
Hey Finn, you awake yet?

Finn:
[lying down] I'm trying...

Jake:
I had a dream about Meat Man.

Finn:
Oh yeah?

Jake:
I think I'm gonna stop eating Meat Man.

Ice King:
Hey guys, guess what? You're grounded - underneath my butt!

Lemongrab:
[growing steadily louder] This castle is in unacceptable condition! UNACCEPTABLE!

Lemongrab:
[yelling] One million years dungeon!

Grandmaster Wizard:
To enter Wizard Battle, you must be... A WIZARD!!

Finn:
Wizard Battle is starting soon!

Jake:
Rrrohh... I know! We got here 6 hours early, you dork! Just wake me up when start selling hot dogs. Whoa! Whaddaya know!?

Fionna:
Ice Queen, why are you always predatoring on dudes?!

Ice Queen:
Ha! You should talk! Keeping all the babes to yourself, totally ice-blocking my game!

Cake:
Why're y'all breathless if we're the ones runnin'.

Cake:
CAT NIP! Sweet babies!

Cake:
[barges] WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN HERE-!??

Gumball:
Fionna, come to the ball with me.

Fionna:
As your.. chum?

Gumball:
No, as my... GIRLFRIEND.

Cake:
Psst! Fi! Tell Gumball that you think he's HAWT.

Fionna:
[chiding] What? No!

Cake:
GUYS LIKE TO HEAR THAT THEY'RE HOT!!

Fionna:
Will you keep your voice down??

Fionna:
Ice King is the hottest hottie, and I can't wait to marry him....

Ice King:
"..said Fionna! Then she turned to Prince Gumball and said, 'I hope Ice King will sweep me off my feet and take me to the farthest corner of Ooo, where we will do nothing but kiss and eat a whole bunch till we get fat and die!' The end." So, what did you think of the fan fiction I wrote about you guys?

Finn:
[encased with Jake with manuscripts beside Gunter] Uuhh...

Ice King:
Tell me you though it was good!!

Finn:
[squeaked] Awh, it's good, it's good! It's REALLY good dude, it was amazing!

Finn:
I'll get your kid back, toy!

Finn:
I wonder what it liked, or what was missing.

Jake:
Well, I know what's missing - talent! I'm getting outta here, you hacks! Talentless hacks!!

Marceline:
STOP STARING AT ME!! Ugh, you threw me off!

Jake:
Don't worry, bro. We won't tell anyone about the private time you spend with your wad of Princess Bubblegum's hair.

Marceline:
You... kept the shirt I gave you?

PB:
Yeah.. it uh, means a lot to me.

Marceline:
But you never wore it.

PB:
Dude, I wear it all the time! As pajamas.

PB:
Marceline, that's too distasteful!

Marceline:
Oh.. You don't like that? Or do you just not like ME!?

Finn:
What is this gripagrap?!

PB:
It's the door of the Door Lord, Finn. We used to lock them up but they kept breaking out. Cos they're Door Lords.

Marceline:
They broke out because YOU let them live.

Marceline:
Ha!! Looks like you aren't as perfect as you thought. Guess you can't judge me anymore.

PB:
I never said you had to be perfect!

Tree Trunks:
Without my apples, I won't make any more apple pies....

Finn and Jake:
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!

Jake:
I'm Randy Butternubs.

Gummybuns (LSP):
Ah gross. Ahh, my lumping body's all hollow now, I gotta put something in it.

Gummybuns:
Maybe he'll be a steaming hot BABE with huge monay.

Butternubs (Jake):
Tut-tut, Lumpy Space Princess! What would your boyfriend Brad say?

Gummybuns:
Brad and I broke up a long time ago, duh!

[gasp!]

Guy Farting (CB):
Now's my chance!

Gummybuns:
No. WAY.

Guy Farting:
But... I can make you happy!

Gummybuns:
Puke OFF!! You big donut!

Hotbod (Finn):
Where's Beemo?

Butternubs:
The ghost got him!

Hotbod:
Don't you mean YOU got him? [throws PB off the balcony to couch and himself] GHOST??

Bubblegum:
Cinnamon Bun? What did you... EEEEEEK!!!

Cinnamon Bun:
SUGAR..!!

Bubblegum:
Just let Science to the work! Science is... MOOORRRAAAHHHH...!!!

Finn:
NAAAAAOOH!!!

LSP:
GET THAT ZOMBIE OUTTA HERE! RAHH!!

Finn:
RAAGH!!

LSP:
Aw naw. I am not getting eaten by zombies tonight. [...] GET THE LUMP.. OUTTA.. HERE!!

LSP:
Oh.. my.. Glob!!

Finn:
Jake, I think this little guy have serious dance fever.

Finn:
Hazelnut! Hazelnut! What if your name was Zelnut, and then I'll be like "Hey, Zelnut!"

Jake:
That's terrible!

Finn:
Hey, Zelnut!

Jake:
NoooOOOOHH!! Stop!

Finn:
[poking] Jake! Jake!

Jake:
Mmh... what..?

Finn:
I heard a sound coming from the sewer! We should check it out!

Jake:
No man, no, surprise party me when they're ready. Be patient.

Finn:
I'm being patient! I waited all day, Jake!

Jake:
Well, I've been waiting six months!

("Six months... Six months... Six months... Six months...")

Finn:
Wait... What're you saying?

Jake:
Everything's gonna be fine... [yawn] even if we have to wait... FOREVER....

Finn:
Boy, it sure is quiet around here! Uh-huh! I'd probably pee all over myself if somebody jumped out and surprised me!

Snow Golem:
You... the.. real good. Nice... home.

Ice King:
You know... maybe we could all learn a thing or two from those sandwiches.

Jake:
Finn, when I die, my individual Earth consciousness is gonna go all over everywhere while Glob tallies my deeds.

Finn:
..What?

Jake:
I'm gonna be all around you. In your nose and your dreams and socks - I'll be part of your Earth mind! It's gonna be great!

Finn:
Dude. Stop. Saying. All this. Crazy. Nonsense. It's making me messed up. I'm 13. You're messin' me up.

Finn:
Oh, what!? He build his house on the Sun!? This guy's insane!

Jake:
Finn, did you eat your breakfast?

Finn:
No. Why?

Jake:
Because you forgot how the Sun works. The Sun is actually far away. It's not sitting on the horizon.

Finn:
[beat] Oh. Right on. Let's chase after him!

Jake:
You gotta eat your breakfast, man, you need that protein. Helps your brain!

Finn:
Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Mom. Let's go!

Jake:
Who is it?

Finn:
...It's the Banana Man.

Jake:
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFF!!!

Finn:
SHHHH!!!

Finn:
OK.. you can play this, right Beemo?

BMO:
Yes, Finn. [turns around] It goes in my butt.

Ice King:
"Secret tapes"!?? I wanna watch!

Finn:
Thanks, Gunther.

[Jake laughs, both munch their biscuits]

Jake:
You're Gunther.

Finn:
There's gotta be some evil secrets in here. I wanna keep watching.

Jake:
Okay.. Well, why don't I make us some snacks? [sluggish] So I don't have to watch this...

BMO:
Can we sit on the floor? I feel so far away from you guys.

Ice King:
[thru Beemo video] "So there we are-Turtle Princess is frozen and in my little ice wheelbarrow and there was.. magic in the air. We were both feeling it... [beat] But before I can leave the library, Finn and Jake show up! You know how Jake is-stretch this, stretch that, bah! He knocks off my crown and then Finn bonks me on the nose! Still hurts too. The worst part is, Turtle Princess took away my library card! [sigh] Y'know, dear diary.. I'm starting to worry that all these entries sound exactly the same, and that my life is just me running in place on some... giant hamster wheel."

BMO:
My alarm says it's time for Finn's bath time. Finn, get naked.

Finn:
Oh my Glob, Jake. Is this it? Could this be the Ice King's evil secret? [shows ASCII art of Gunther] WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!??

Jake:
DRAMA BO~MB!!

Ice King:
"Well, there ya have it, folks. People are very upset that Gunther tried to eat Ice King's socks. VERY upset. That's why Gunther has to stay in the corner."

Ice King:
Oh, isn't this fun? We're giving each other presents, we're wearing silly clothes, there's snow everywhere... Let's do this every day!

Jake:
Uh...

Finn:
How about once every year?

Ice King:
[chuckles] Okay, that sounds good.

Simon:
"I know my mind is changing... but I'm already too far gone to know what to do. I want people to know that... if I do things... If I do things that hurt anyone, please.. please forgive me...."

Shelby:
And so it was decided that once every year when the weather got chilly that Finn, Jake, the Ice King, BMO, Princess Bubblegum, Marceline the Vampire Queen, Cinnamon Bun, Peppermint Butler, Phil, a candy cane man, one of the Gumdrop girls, Lady Rainicorn, Lumpy Space Princess, that guy, the other guy, a pig, Tree Trunks, a two-headed duck, the old crazy Tart Toter, the Punchbowl, a booger, and Gunter would get together while wearing really big sweaters and watch videos on the floor next to a fire to celebrate the day when Finn and Jake had a fleeting moment of empathy for the biggest weirdo in Ooo. It was a miracle. Good night.

Finn:
Do you think it's right for Marceline to invite us to jam without Princess and Beemo?

Jake:
It's just a jam sesh. Is that what you're gonna jam with?

Finn:
Yeah, man. Balloon music is the future.

Finn:
Hey, this table is wobbly. We gotta take it to the Lost Tinker Goblin of Fog Mountain to fix it.

Jake:
Dude, I would love to go on some crazy, made-up adventure with you, but I really gotta read this. So from here on out, I'm just gonna ignore you.

Jake:
I paid them up front. They don't leave until the job's done. Besides... [honk honk honk!] they're funny. [HHHOOO-PWWOOO!!!] Heheheh! Look! She just farted!

Shrub:
IT'S THE ONLY WAY, YOU UGLY, FAT-SMELLING FATHEAD!!

Finn:
NO!! MY WAY!!!

Stump:
Look, there's only two choices, bro. Take your pick. There's a path on the left. Hair fall out path. No more hair again EVER!!! Or the path on the right. Smelly path. Makes you smelly forever. Mmhm. You won't believe it.

Clown Nurse:
IT'S THE ONLY WAY!!! AH HA HA HA HA!!!

Finn:
I need to cross the river. The Cyclops is over there.

Shrub:
You can't cross this river, it's impossible! Look! The current is so fast, it'll turn your butt inside-out for real, doofus. And the water's so acidic it'll crump your boat in half. It's like orange juice, it's gross. There's a bridge, but it's a trap! Plus, the water's jamming with electric eels! Wow, so weird. ..Anyway, that's it, there's no other way around, you dummy.

Finn:
I was wrong

Was I wrong?

No

Yes, yes

I was wrong

How could it be?

I trusted in my guts

But ended up all nuts

I was wrong

How could it be?

Listened to my brain

But ended up insane

How did I go... too far?

Finn:
How much softy cheesy for your deezy? A little? A lot?

Jake:
Bleech! NONE!!

Finn:
But you used to love softy cheese!

Jake:
I don't wanna talk about it....

That Guy:
Wait! Why don't you wanna take my path?

Jake:
Because. You're super gross, man.

Holo-Joshua:
"The dungeon's 80 paces west of here under a dumb-looking rock. And Finn, this dungeon's gonna kick your tail. I bet you won't even get past the first trial, you whiny baby! "

Holo-Joshua:
"Jake, I need your help. You gotta call Finn a whiny baby."

Jake:
But-

Holo-Joshua:
"Buts are for pooping! Do it for Poppy."

Holo-Joshua:
"Finn, if you're seeing this pre-recorded holo-message, it's because you've finished the dungeon that I made for you. I'm proud of you. You're gonna do great things in this world. I love you, son."

Demon:
Joshua! Return my blood to me! Or by demon's law, I will cut off your love-handles! Joshua, we go way back! [Jake inserts cartridge] C'mon! Just give me back my blood!

Holo-Joshua:
"Kee Oth Rama Pancake! "

Demon:
NOOOOOOOHHH...!!!!

Jake:
[thru Beemo cam] Aw Finn, I'm sorry bro.

Finn:
[weeping] "Beemo, go away! " [turns away, Beemo claps his hands together slowly to his crack]

BMO:
"Woop! Duck.. duck.. duck.. GOOSE!! "

Finn:
"AAHHHH!!!! "

Finn:
And hey, guys... Let's keep the acting subtle. Less is more.

Lumpy Space Princess:
No way! First, I'm gonna fall in love with one of those little guys, and then I'm gonna fall out of love, And then, I'm gonna totally fake die of a fake heart attack! "OH! MY HEART! MY HEART HURTS BECAUSE I FELL OUT OF LOVE! AND NOW I HAVE TO DIE! OOOOHHHHH!!!"

Jake:
Come on Finn lest go home my thighs hurt

Finn:
Okay Im keeping the branch

Fight King:
[waves his sword and arms of dirt start to drag Finn and Jake]Fools you don't leave until you de

Jake:
Gotta liven up this unhallowed ground.. for Finn.] Fools you do not leave until you defeated all my glayator ghost.

[Finn, Jake and a wizard run into Marceline's house to find her unconscious on the floor]

Finn:
Marceline! What's wrong with her?!

Wizard:
She accidentally cast a sleep spell on herself, and now she's trapped in eternal slumber!

Finn:
Tell us how to break the spell!

Wizard:
I'll transport you into Marceline's mind, where you will walk through her memories and find the memory core.

Jake:
Then what?

Wizard:
Find the memory of Marceline casting the sleep spell on herself. At your touch, you and the memory will be transported back to reality.

Jake:
But like, if you know all this, why not just do it yourself?

Wizard:
Entering a person's mind can be dangerous. And I don't have any arms. Just legs. [stretches his right leg] Ungh... Yeah, here we go... Oh... [jabs his toe at Finn's forehead]

Finn:
What? [a bright white light flashes out of his forehead] What'd you do to my forehead?

Wizard:
When you get close to the memory, your forehead will glow. Here, take this. It's a sack of magic powder. Sit on the couch and sprinkle the powder on your head.

Finn:
Like this? [he and Jake sprinkle the powder on their heads]

Wizard:
Yep. Like that. Feel sleepy?

Both:
[yawning] Mm-hm...

Wizard:
Good. Sleep now. But know this!

Both:
Huh?! / Whua?!

Wizard:
If you fail, Marceline will be trapped in eternal sleep... FOREVER!!! [both gasp] And everr! And everrr~!!

Ice King:
Okay, mister, you are really trying my patience! How clear can I be?! All I want you to do is hit them—on the shoulder, or something. [punches Scorcher's shoulder] Are you even listening? Oh, I get it. [takes a wad of dollar bills] Here's double the grease to not kill Finn and Jake. [Scorches incinerates money] You trying to hustle me, Scorcher? Okay. I'll play this game. How about this prize piece for your pad? [turns on sining deer head on a plague]

Singing Deer Head:
I wanna live, live, live I wanna live, live, live— [Scorcher burns it]

Ice King:
NOOOOOO!!! Huh. Okay... How about these bad boys—night vision x-ray goggles for when you have a lady houseguest? [Scorcher burns goggles off his face] Auh!! Come on! At least renegotiate the target! You can destroy my least favorite princesses. What about Lumpy Space Princess? [Scorcher burns LSP picture] Ghost Princess? I can't even hold her with my love mitts. [Scorcher burns GP picture] Aw, geez! Uh... [Scorches blasts fire in front of his face] Oh! A-A leg cramp, in my leg! Ow, ow! O-Oh, this is so embarrassing. I'll be right back. Ow! Ow!

[he hides behind left side of the entry]

Ice King:
[sighs] Think, baby. Come on. Ah! [pulls laptop out of his beard; starts typing "hitman hitman"] All right, let's hit the hitman, right? There's got to be a... Ah! "Blastronaut—#1 solution for all hitman problems." Sheesh! $99.95?! That's nuts! [clicks "place order"; enters target name] "Scor... cher." ["target acquired"]

[as Scorchers reads pages on a table, the wall suddenly explodes and Blastronaut bursts in, shooting lasers everywhere]

Ice King:
Sweet!

[Scorcher remains still until advancing to slice Blastronaut in half; a naked goblin jumps out of the suit. He sees Ice King behind him and jumps off the mountain]

Ice King:
No!! Come back, you wussy!! [turns to Scorcher] Ooh, that was weird. [Scorcher clenches his fiery fist] Was that your friend, or something? [chuckles nervously] Look, a supermodel! Look, a hoverboard! Look, the apocalypse! Someone got hit in the boingloings. [beat] Hit in the boingloings! ..Boingloings! Boingloings! Somebody got hit in them. [Scorcher turns left] Peace out!

[he freezes Scorcher and flies away, not before Scorcher starts melting his icy chamber]

Ice King:
Oh! Freakin' butt! Butt, butt, butt!

Jake:
Hey Finn you awake

Finn:
Well not really

Jake:
I had a dream about meatman last night

Finn:
[appears next to him] Wow really?

Lemongrab:
This castle is in... unacceptable CONDITION!! UNACCEPTABLE!!!

[...]

Lemongrab:
30 days in the dungeon!

Cinnamon Bun:
For who?

Lemongrab:
Everyone in this room... MHAHHH!!!

Bubblegum:
Wait! Wait! You can't give orders like that! I'm in charge here, Lemongrab!

Lemongrab:
TOO YOUNG!! She's too young to rule the kingdom!

Finn:
[slap!] Watch your manners with the Princess!

Lemongrab:
WHOOOOOOO!!?

Finn:
What the huh?

Lemongrab:
Well, well, well... This is everyone, then?

Peppermint Butler:
Yes, all the castle staff.

Lemongrab:
So which one of yooou was it? Who did the thing!?

Candy Person:
The... thing?

Lemongrab:
FFF-FF-FFFFFNNNNUH!!! [unfolds the Dog Buns note] THE THING!!! THE THING!!!

Peppermint Butler:
Hey, man! Calm down! It's just a prank, man! For laughs!

Lemongrab:
Prank? For l-laughs? ..Yes, of course. Just a harmless prank. For laughs. Ahhh... [jiggling his head all-around laughing]

Peppermint Butler:
Ha... heh-heh-heh...

Lemongrab:
Twelve years dungeon. All of you — dungeon. Seven years, no trials. Come on! Let's move it!

Finn:
Dude, I know where Lumpy Space Princess is! She's in the woods eating beans.

Jake:
Mhmm! This is gonna be easy as...uhh...hmmm...

Finn:
Easy as childbirth!

Jake:
Yeah, okay.

Lumpy Space Princess:
I knew, that if my parents could see me now, they'd be jealous of how lumpin' awesome I am.

Jake:
Why are you doing this, Ice King?

Ice King:
Why? Because I love you guys! But you don't love me, do ya?

Jake:
You tried to kill us, like, four times!

Ice King:
I only try to kill you 'cuz you're PRINCESS-BLOCKIN' ME ALL THE TIME!

Ice King:
Well, how 'bout I make us some omelets?

Jake:
...That sounds pretty good, actually.

Ice King:
I'm going to put my foot in it. Eating a part of me will bring us closer together! I'll be inside of you! [laughs]

Cake:
Oh, it's a date!

Fionna:
No, it's not. I'm sure when he said "go out," he meant "go out," not "go out!"

Cake:
Shut up! He's into you!

Fionna:
Come on, you heard what he said. I'm like his guy-friend.

Cake:
Well, that could change tonight.

Fionna:
If it's a date, why are you coming?

Cake:
I'm comin' to help you! Hold on. I'm bringing my dulcimer.

Fionna:
Awwh, man...!

Cake:
It's a conversation starter. HUH!!

Fionna:
Fine... I'll do this if only to prove you wrong.

Marceline:
La da da da da, I'm gonna bury you in the ground

La da da da da, I'm gonna bury you with my sound

I'm gonna drink the red from your pretty pink face

I'm gonna...

Bubblegum:
Marceline, that's too distasteful!

Marceline:
Oh... You don't like that? ..Or do you just not like ME?!

Well, I shouldn't have to justify what I do

I shouldn't have to prove anything to you

Finn:
It's working! Look at the door!

Marceline:
I'm sorry that I exist, I forget what landed me on your blacklist

But I shouldn't have to be the one that makes up with you.

Finn:
Tree Trunks, is there anyone you can think of who might want to crunk you up?

Tree Trunks:
O-oh no, Finn. I take great care to assure that-that I'm loved by even the most heinous cretins and—

Jake:
Hey, guys! I found something! Look! [Finn and Tree Trunks join Jake near the hole]

Tree Trunks:
Ugh!

Raggedy Princess:
Oh, heheh, hey, Finn! Heheh...

Finn:
Oh, hey, Raggedy Princess. Have you seen anything fishy going on?

Raggedy Princess:
Um, no, heheh. I've been kinda down in this hole for a long time. [laughs nervously] I got knocked down here by some ne'er-do-wells. It was terrible! I was so scared.

Tree Trunks:
Ne'er-do-wells?! They stole my apples! [yells] I'm gonna sass those boys up nasty!

Finn:
[laughs] Awesome. Where do we find these guys?

Jake:
Oh... the Candy Tavern, man. I used to hang out there back when I used to snatch old ladies' purses. [Finn "boops"] Don't worry, I stopped doing that a long time ago. I didn't know it was wrong. [Finn "pings"]

Tree Trunks:
Okay, you two, let's get going.

Bubblegum:
[voiceover] "I was testing a sample of the zombie flesh I had saved when Cinnamon Bun came into the lab. He said he was hungry."

Cinnamon Bun:
I'm hungry!

Bubblegum 2:
Not now, Cinnamon Bun, I'm busy!

Bubblegum 1:
[voiceover] "And that's when I made my mistake. I should have paid more attention to that poor fool."

[CB licks it, then consumes the flesh]

Bubblegum 1:
[voiceover] "The Candy Zombie flesh he ingested was highly contagious." [CB groans, falls to floor behind the counter, and begins groaning violently]

Bubblegum 2:
Cinnamon Bun? What did you... EEEEEEK!!!

Cinnamon Bun:
SUGAR..!!

Cat:
[latches on Jake's mouth] Quiet, or you die!

Jake:
(gasp!) You're the assassin!

Cat:
Me-Mow. Assassin, second class. But once I take out a princess... I g'aduate to full membership.

Jake:
Well, I'm no princess, sister!

Me-Mow:
Yes, I know. But since you've blown my cover, you will slay Wildberry Princess.

Jake:
Whaat!? I'd rather be injected with poison!

Me-Mow:
Oh. Uhh... okay.

Jake:
Uhh.. I mean... I will assassinate Wildberry Princess!

Me-Mow:
Good. Oh, and if you try to trick me, I'll poison you. [climbs into Jake's nose]

Jake:
[squeaks] Mah nose!

Me-Mow:
Blargh! It's like worn garbage up in here!

Me-Mow:
You did it! Well done! I guess I'll be on my way.

Berry Guard 1:
[running to Wildberry Princess with her crown] Princess! Oh, Princess!

Berry Guard 2:
You're alive!

Berry Guard 1:
We saw your crown next to a pile of dirty meat. [Me-Mow gets ticked off] Then we slipped on the meat! And I thought I tasted your juice, [sobbing] but it was just blood from the meat! WE'RE SO GLAD IT WASN'T ACTUALLY YOU!!!

Me-Mow:
[snarls loudly] YOU LIAR!! [stabs nose wall with poison syringe]

Jake:
[collapses] Ough!

Finn:
Jake?

Me-Mow:
Okay, Jake. I've injected you with half the poison, and you'll be dead in 30 minutes, unless you kill the princess, which is when I'll give you the antidote. [Jakes grabs hold on Finn's shirt on the floor]

Jake:
Finn! Help me!

Finn:
What's wrong?

Me-Mow:
If you say anything, I'll stab you in the brain!

Ice King:
"Hello, dear diary. Pretty good day so far. Got up bright and early, had a healthy and slimming breakfast, did fourteen minutes of cardio, and then I finally got around to..." [continues]

Jake:
Dude... what are we watchin'?

Finn:
I think it's the Ice King's diary.

Ice King:
"I mean, I'm not gonna win carpenter of the year or anything, but it's a place to hang up the old toothbrush." [a Gunther jumps on bed]

Gunther:
"Wenk." [walks to the camera]

Ice King:
"Gunther. Hey, Gunther. Get-get away from the camera, sweetie. Papa's recording his innermost thoughts. 'Member, I explained this to you? [Gunther rubs his belly] Hey, Gunther? [Gunther jumps up and down] GUNTHER!!"

Gunther:
"Wenk."

Ice King:
"Well, anyway, as you can see, I'm not wearing my—"

Gunther:
"Wenk."

Ice King:
"I'm not wearing my—"

Gunther:
"Wenk, wenk."

Ice King:
"Sweetie, I raised my voice because you were giving me the silent treatment. You understand?"

Gunther:
"Wenk."

Ice King:
"I love you."

Jake:
Can we fast-forward?

Finn:
N-No, man. We might miss something.

Ice King:
[sighs] "There must be more to life than this."

Gunther:
"Wenk."

Ice King:
"I know, you don't like when I'm contemplative. C-Contemplative? No. Con-tem-plat— C— Let's put on a play!"

Jake:
What?! [cut footage to Ice King in PB makeup and Gunther with crown and beard]

Ice King:
"Oh, Ice King, you're so cool! You take such good care of yourself! I wanna be with you! [Gunter then pulls off beard] No, Gunther, beard stays on."

Gunther:
"Wenk."

Ice King:
"Gunther, I need you to wear the beard!"

Gunther:
"Wenk."

Ice King:
"Gunther!"

Jake:
Hey, pause it, Beemo.

Finn:
There's gotta be some evil secrets in here. I wanna keep watching.

Jake:
Okay.. Well, why don't I make us some snacks? [sluggish] So I don't have to watch this...

BMO:
Can we sit on the floor? I feel so far away from you guys.

Ice King:
"Good morning. You're watching the evening news. There's been an unfortunate event. Let's go talk to some witnesses. [he turns camera to a caged Wildberry Princess] Princess, what is your name?"

Wildberry Princess:
"Please, let me go home!"

Ice King:
"So, Princess Please-let-me-go-home, tell me. What was it like to experience this tragedy?"

Wildberry Princess:
"What? I can— I don't, uh, uh..."

Ice King:
"Yeah, we're on air, honey, so spit it out."

Wildberry Princess:
"I... I don't know what you're talking about."

Ice King:
"Obviously traumatized and in a state of shock. Let's go ask somebody else something. [turns camera upside-down; zooms to Wildberry Princess] Upside-down Princess, do you think things will change politically because of today's events?"

Wildberry Princess:
"You're really frightening me!"

Ice King:
"Well, there you have it, folks. [flips camera back] People are very upset that Gunther tried to eat Ice King's socks. Very upset! That's why Gunther has to stay in the corner."

[Beemo inserts the last VHS tape inside itself. Loading to what seems to be... a person in an art gallery]

Person:
"Hello. My name is Simon Petrikov. I am recording this tape so that people will know my story."

Ice King:
Oh no! Turn it off, Beemo, turn it off!!

Simon:
"I was studying to be an antiquarian of ancient artifacts. Now I never believed in the supernatural stuff myself, just had a fascination with superstitions. But everything changed when I came into contact with this item."

[Simon slowly opens a safe and brings out a golden, three red gem-encrusted crown. Finn and Jake are surprised]

Finn & Jake:
The Ice King! [both seated, with Ice King behind]

Simon:
"After purchasing this crown from an old dock worker in northern Scandinavia, I brought it home and excitedly showed my fiancée Betty, and jokingly put it on my head just for a laugh or something. And that's when it started. The visions... I fought with them... Shouted at them until I realized it wasn't real, it was the crown!! I quickly took it off... and saw my fiancée in front of me — looking at me with such contempt. What had I said? What had I done when I wore this crown? All I know is I never saw Betty again."

[...]

Simon:
"Since then, I see the visions always whether or not I wear the crown. They tell me the secrets... the secrets of the ice and snow... that the power of the crown will save me with its frost. I don't yet know what this means. As you can see, my skin is beginning to turn blue. My body temperature has been lowering at a supernatural rate, to what is now about 30 degrees Celsius. I don't know when it will end. I'm really scared."

[...]

Simon:
"I know my mind is changing... but I'm already too far gone to know what to do. I want people to know that... if I do things... If I do things that hurt anyone, please.. please forgive me...."

[...]

Simon:
"Just watch over me until I can find a way out of this labyrinth in my brain and regain my sanity!! And then maybe Betty, my princess... maybe you will love me again. [sobs] Please love me again, Betty!!"

[Finn crawls slowly down the bedroom ladder, turns back to Jake]

Finn:
Is she awake?

Jake:
Why are you talking?!

Finn:
I'm wondering if she's awake.

Jake:
Well, if she's awake, she can definitely hear you talking!

Finn:
I'm whispering!

Jake:
Well, now we're both quietly screaming!!

Marceline:
[offscreen] I can hear both of you.

Finn:
Disguise yourself, fool!

[they run up before Marceline turns the light on; see Jake shapeshifted into Finn and Finn with a lampshade over his head]

Marceline:
What are you bozos doing in my lair?

Jake:
Dude, I think she sees us. [Finn takes off lampshade]

Finn:
What the— Dude! You shape-changed to look like me?! [throws lampshade at Jake]

Jake:
[beat] Yeah.

Marceline:
Hey! [hissing] Exssssplain yourselves.

Finn:
[exhales deeply] We were playing hide-and-seek in your closet and you came home, so we hid in there all day. We saw... everything. And, oh Glob! [Jake jumps up and they hold each other] I mean, whatever you do to us, I just wanna say we're sorry!

Jake:
So sorry!

Marceline:
Okay. Apology accepted.

Jake:
What?!

Marceline:
I hide in your house all the time.

Finn:
Uh, Jake, can't we get rid of these clown nurses? They make me feel ridiculous.

Jake:
No way, man.

Finn:
Ugh!

Jake:
Well, now you know we can't jump off of birds. [the big green clown nurse waves a milk-dipped cookie and drop into Jake's mouth] I paid them up front. They don't leave until the job's done. Besides... [honks her nose horn] they're funny. [HHHOOO-PWWOOO!!! ] Heheheh! Look! She just farted!

Clown Nurse:
Time for our love therapy. [walks to Finn's bandaged toe]

Finn:
Wait... what're they doing? [she smooches his toe] Whoa!! Stop!!

Clown Nurse:
Oh, my! Did that hurt, dear?!

Finn:
No! I just don't want you kissing my toe!

Clown Nurse:
Now, now, honey. You gotta understand that this is the only way to foo-foo your boo-boo.

Finn:
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!!

Jake:
I don't know, but I feeling better already. Aah! That tickles!

Green Clown Nurse:
You want me to stop?

Jake:
No, keep going. [she resumes smooching Jake's foot]

Finn:
You're gross, man. [reads his Enchiridion] Look! "Deep in the forest of trees, there's a Cyclops whose magical tears can heal any wound." See?! SEE?!! [the clown nurse takes his Enchiridion away from him]

Clown Nurse:
Maybe you should leave the medical decisions to the medical professionals, and my professional prescription is... you toe need cu-razy smooches! It's the only way! [laughing manically]

Cyclops:
[emerges off the ground, confronts Finn] Hey! I know you're here for my magical tears, but you won't have any because I never cry.

Finn:
I don't want 'em anymore.

Cyclops:
What? Stop lying! You're here for my tears, aren't you?

Finn:
No! I hurt a small, hairy man's wife. I just wanna go home.

Cyclops:
You're just trying to make me feel sad so you can steal my tears when I cry, but I've got a heart of stone, buddy. I'm evil!

Finn:
Dude! What's wrong with you?! I said I don't want your tears!

Cyclops:
YOU'RE LYING!!

Finn:
I'M NOT LYING!!!

Cyclops:
[beat] You stink at lying.

Finn:
Ugh! Fine. Whatever, man. Have it your way.

Cyclops:
Okay... I WILL HAVE IT MY WAY!!!

Finn:
Huh?! [gets pounded into the ground by the Cyclops] Ugghh...

Cyclops:
Beg for mercy, or I'll kill you!

[Finn glances up at the Cyclops' eye; he notices water forming up in the big, round eye. He then mutters something out of earshot]

Cyclops:
[kneels down] Wh-what? [Finn mutters some more] What?! I can't hear you!

Finn:
I said... [punches the eye] MY WAY!!

Finn:
These ghosts think I'm playin'... they think it's all a big game. But y'know what? Y'know what I'm gonna do?

Jake:
What?

Finn:
I'm gonna turn this game UPSIDE DOWN!!!

Flame King:
Excellent! You have indeed proven yourself! Any prince ruthless enough to kill his own buffoon would make an excellent boyfriend!

Jake:
Yeah..!

Flame King:
For my evil daughter!

Jake:
WHAAAAAT?!?!

[for a beat, Flame Princess awakes from the liquid pyrotechnics left by PB and confronts Finn, in a fit of rage]

Flame Princess:
You...! What's wrong with me, huh!? You don't like me!?

Finn:
I like you!

[beat. She becomes blushed for a while soon before enraged]

Flame Princess:
What's wrong with you!!?

[she restores herself and slaps Finn on his left cheek]

Flame Princess:
Don't ever mess with me again!

[she storms out the window through Finn. He stares for a while, then turns to Jake]

Finn:
Who was that?

Jake:
The princess of the Fire Kingdom.... [Finn looks out, back]

Finn:
Dude... I think I have a crush.