Adventure Time, Season 6

Gob:
Denise, we have concluded you're an interesting and conventionally hot woman. My siblings and I would like to request a date with you. Are you available for a date with - Glob on Saturday, Grod on Friday, Grob on Thursday, or Gob on Sunday? Please select your dates now.

Jake:
LICH!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!! RAAAAHHHH!!!!

Finn:
Dude... I found out my human dad is still alive.

Jake:
Whoa, what?

Finn:
He's at someplace called the Citadel.

Jake:
Waoh! Are.. are you gonna go see him?

Finn:
I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe's there a good reason he didn't raise me. Like, he was probably captured by thieves and kept a slave for years.

Jake:
Yeah-or maybe he was ambushed in the wild and hid you, so you wouldn't be captured too.

Finn:
Yeah.. maybe it's better not to rock the boat.

Jake:
But... it might also be good to find out if got any genetic wrist factors or allergies or whatever. Plus, you get to see what you look like as an old guy. Could be cool.

Finn:
Heh... I guess it would be okay to meet him. Just to know what I look like.

Jake:
Cool.

Jake:
HEY, GET OUTTA HERE, OLD MAN!!!

Finn:
[low] Dude, shh. Don't wake him up. [Jake shrinks his head and knocks quietly]

Jake:
Hey, get outta here, old man.

Lich:
You are alone, child.

[...]

Lich:
There is only darkness for you, and only death for your people. These ancients are just the beginning. I will command a great and terrible army... and we will sail to a billion worlds. We will sail until every light has been extinguished. You are strong, child. But I am beyond strength. I am the end. [...] And I have come for you, Finn.

Tree Trunks:
Mr. Pig, I think we should get a di- [ding-dong]

Jake:
[o.s.] Okay, run! Go, go, go, go!!

[Mr. Pig and TT open the front door]

Tree Trunks:
Ohh! Oh, this changes everything! [see Lich Baby in a basket]

Lich Baby:
Hello!

Finn:
Is this... James heaven?

Banana Guard 1:
Hey guys, it's the picture of one of the perpetrators. Take a good look.

All Banana Guards:
Oooooohh.

Bubblegum:
There's 25 of 'em.

Banana Guard 1:
[beat] I need to see the other 24 pictures.

Bubblegum:
Nope, you only need that one.

Banana Guard 1:
..What?! How can one picture identify 25 perpetrators?

Bubblegum:
It's because they all look the same. [BG1 stares picture for a beat]

Banana Guard 1:
...Oh okay, I see. [turns to all BGs] There's 25 of 'em! They all look like this guy!

Banana Guard 2:
Uh, how can 25 guys look like one guy? You mean they're vigintiquintuplets?

Banana Guard 1:
[faces PB] You mean they're vigintiquintuplets?

Bubblegum:
No, they're clones.

Banana Guard 1:
What are clones?

Bubblegum:
[sigh] A group of organisms or cells produced asexually from one ancestor or stock to which they are genetically identical.

Banana Guard 1:
How did that happen?

Bubblegum:
It's a long story.

Banana Guard 1:
I love long stories.

Bubblegum:
GAHH!! There's no time!

Banana Guard 1:
And they're not brothers?

Bubblegum:
No - they're not brothers, they're clones!

[both Finn and Jake laughing on CK's giant walls, which PB hears]

Bubblegum:
HEY!!! Get down here and help me!!

[...]

Bubblegum:
Hahh... Vigintiquintuplets, I'm telling you....

Finn:
Baby's building a tower in to space

Space is where he's gonna find his dad

Daddy's got an arm, and baby's gonna harm his arm

By tearing it off his dad.

BMO:
Hey Jake, where's- [bonked by falling ice block, resurfaces] Where's Finn?

Jake:
Finn's just working some stuff out. AND IT'S HEALTHY!!

Bubblegum:
It's not healthy!! It's bizarre and he could get hurt!

Jake:
FEELINGS HURT!!

Bubblegum:
Yeaahh!

Jake:
Euuggghhh!!

BMO:
...Aaahh.

Ringmaster:
Too much artsy, not enough fartsy. We talked about this, clown!

LSP:
AHH!!! WATCH IT, CRAB PRINCESS!!

Crab Princess:
I'm sorry.

LSP:
You ain't my man! SO WHY'RE YOU ALL UP IN MY LUMPS!!?

LSP:
It's me, Ice King.

Ice King:
Lumpy Space Princess?

LSP:
Yeah.

Ice King:
And you're doing this because you like me?

LSP:
No, Ice King, listen-I'monna give you the straight dough.

Ice King:
Okay.

LSP:
You're weird and old and you kidnap princesses.

Ice King:
I know!

LSP:
But I asked here tonight because I want to know what you think of this. [presents a book]

Ice King:
"The Prince Who Wanted Everything. A Fionna and Cake Adventure"? Hey, why isn't my name on there?

LSP:
I want you to read it, because you're their dad. Please be their dad right now and bring them to life!

Ice King:
[sigh] Okay, might as well. Least until the cops show up.

Lumpy Space Prince:
Citizens of this realm, I am the one and only heir to the throne of the Lumpy Space Kingdom. I mean, I used to be. I rebelled against my parents and now I'm a refugee.

[beat]

Lumpy Space Prince:
What's that? You wish to help me? I'm touched! Fetch me some clothes and I'll pay you handsomely, by petting you. First, I need freaky clothes! Cool freaky, not monster freaky. Oh, yes-and something to read as well, something mind blowing.

[the animals then leave]

Lumpy Space Prince:
Oh, wait! I also need servants! Recruit some locals, they won't mind.

Prismo/Jake:
Peppermint Butler! Death!

Jake:
What's up?

Peppermint Butler:
Hey, um... those guys are doing selfies on the Lich. [pan right to see Grob Gob Glob Grod taking pictures of themselves on the Lich's shoulder] Is that safe?

Gob:
[chuckles] Definitely gonna send these to Denise.

Prismo:
Oh yeah, that's fine. He's harmless.

Peppermint Butler:
Yeah, but why isn't he killing everyone in the room right now? Controlling our minds, making us rip each other's eyes out while we buttercup one another?

Prismo:
Well, the Lich's primary function is to cause mass death. And since he can't do that while he is trapped in my Time Room, he's stuck in a standstill, like a machine without a purpose.

Peppermint Butler:
[turns back] ..I'm so scared right now.

Death:
Yikes.

Jake:
Aw, don't worry, he ain't gonna hurt nobody. [stretches his body over, puts his cup on the Lich's head] Ha!! You got a cup on your head! Ha ha, you dingus! [laughs, stretches back] See, he's docile as a lamb.

Peppermint Butler:
Hmm... Well, okay. Then I guess I can go for a selfie too!

Jake:
Yeah, man! Make your dreams come true!

Finn:
[sees crystalized Lich teleported upside down] Hey, the Lich again! This must be where the prison cells be at. See? Good riddance too. I hope you rot forever, you awful jerk clapper. Some people just make the world a worse place to be in just by being around, Jake. That's right, bad apples. "Lock 'em all up," I say. At the bottom of the ocean, where it's too dark to see.

Man:
Hey, good job, son! Rub some of that sap on my leg there. Make sure to get it into the chicken wing hole.

Finn:
[shudders] Dad...

Man:
Martin.

Finn:
Okay, M-Martin. We need to talk.

Martin:
Yeah, okay, kid, but hurry it up. I'm trying to act cool here, but this thing really stings!

[beat, Finn inhales and talks speedily]

Finn:
Why'd you abandon me in the forest when I was a little baby!?!

Martin:
Oh... I mean... Heh... You know me. I'm a funny guy!

Finn:
Wh— wha?

Martin:
[facepalms] Augh... I don't know. It was a long time ago. Who knows... [points at Finn] maybe you left me!

[Finn makes an unhappy expression with Jake leaning on his shoulder, staring angrily at Martin. He sighs]

Martin:
But, hey! Daddy's back! [grunts, scoots closer to Finn] You and me—Daddy and Baby. Or should I say... Baby and Daddy. [taps his cheek] Now slap that sap!

Finn:
Uggh... [takes some of the sap and spreads it on his leg bone] Yeech.

[the sap on Martin's leg bone regenerates new veins, muscle and skin immediately]

Martin:
Whoa! Would you look at that? Smooth like new. [looks at his boot] Tch... couldn't fix the boot too, huh?

Jake:
[walks Finn to the couch] You just went through some outrageous beeswax from losing your favorite arm and et cetera. You can't just expect to bounce right back to normal.

Finn:
I can't?

Jake:
Nah, man. Listen. [grabs two fake arms] All these princesses donating all these gross fake arms—they mean well, [throws both fake arms in the air] but they're throwing you off your game! You got to go at your own pace. If you listen [opens fold of skin in his forehead] deep in your melon heart... [a heart shape starts beating] That's where the real instructions are. [Finn starts thinking for a beat]

Finn:
..My melon wants to punch my dad in the face and steal his arm.

Jake:
[chuckles] Well, those things are bad, [grabs tote bag from table] so they can't be the real instructions, but you keep listening. Me? I'm going to go to the spaghetti store and buy a new mop head. I'll be back soon. Just remember—listen to your melon heart.

[Finn sings as he walks through the forest with his legs dragging his slumping body forward]

Finn:
I'm lost in the darkness, what will this bring?

Autumn descends on me, autumn

[a flying bee lands on a tree branch, sees the flower at the end of Finn's arm and sings along]

Bee:
What do I see? Oh, so beautiful

My heart it beats, oh, so magical...

[an irritated Finn takes a walk with Breezy away from the fact Frozen Yogurt Princess bearing resemblance to Flame Princess]

Finn:
She doesn't look anything like Flame Princess, does she? [kicks a rock]

Breezy:
I don't know who that is.

Finn:
Exactly. [lies down on a log] I'm just trying to have fun. You know, doctor's orders. But I still ain't feelin' nothing. [sighs] Maybe I should just let this poor flower die.

Breezy:
Nooooo...! [lands on his shoulder] Listen, buddy, being a free spirit is fun and all, but you got a responsibility to that flower, just like I got a responsibility. Get this—I'm actually a virgin queen bee. I was born to lead a hive, destined for a life of obligation and ritual.

Finn:
Whoa... bummer.

Breezy:
Yes. Once I drink of the royal jelly, my carefree days are done.

Finn:
Dang! That sounds like raw deez. Breezy, you got to stay free... [gets up and jumps up] free to make out with whatevs.

Breezy:
Hah, yeah, maybe you're right. You know, it's too bad we're such great buddies or we could make out with each other. [chuckles]

Finn:
What?

Breezy:
Uh, nothing. Come on, pal! Let's run and be free!

[a red-suited Finn begins dancing into a musical number]

Finn:
Round and round as the nature flows

It's like one big ring

Caterpillars eat plants

Small birds eat caterpillars

Finn & Bubblegum:
How natural, no waste, it is an endless chain

What an amazing, wonderful and excellent

How harsh, not careless, it's an endless chain

What an amazing, wonderful and excellent food...

Food chaaain!

Sun:
[speaking to Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant] "Hey! Elephant. I'm more ancient than you. Someday, I will engulf the solar system. What was and what will be is meaningless. Meanwhile, you should wonder: are you just a two-headed pile of meat on a crash course with the cosmic dump, or do you contain the soul memory of a million dead stars? How do you light a candle without a match?"

Shelby:
[narrating] Kent proceeded to relate his fantastic journey to me. It was all super good. But he had also partaken of the food of the underworld, and so he was compelled to return there by dewdrop law. That's what he said, at least. Maybe he was having second thoughts about infinite riches, true love, and eternal life. Or maybe he had just decided that fighting bad guys wasn't really his deal. But I do know this—free from the Rat King's cursed teeth, that spring, for the first time in many years, the willow tree was in bloom.

Jake:
[to Shelby and his little brother Kent] You can chop up a worm and get two? I thought that was a myth.

Shelby:
Myth is a powerful force in my life, dude. So, the thing is, I don't know beans about being a big brother. Can you give me some tips?

Jake:
Ah, it's easy. You just give him something sharp and get him to fight bad guys.

Shelby:
That's it?

Jake:
Yeah, you might have to stretch all big if he gets in real trouble. But, yeah.

Shelby:
All right. Sounds good. [slithers off, Kent looks up to Jake]

Kent:
Someday, you'll be Kent's food. [runs off laughing]

[in the Candy Kingdom police station, Finn and Jake are sitting on a bench, with their wrists locked in handcuffs]

Finn:
Man, can I tell you something? I don't even know what's going on here. I mean, like, what the heck is a deed?! How come he can buy our house when it's our house and Marceline gave it to us and we live there?! A-and now we're arrested?! This is crazy! [to a passing Banana Guard] IT'S CRAZY!! [the Banana Guard walks away]

Jake:
Man, don't you know? The laws ain't made to help earthy cats like us.

Finn:
They're not?

Jake:
Nah, man. Listen. Here on our planet, back in the old days—back in the real old days—it was just every man for hisself, scrooblin' and scrat-scrobblin' for the good stuff, the greenest valleys, and scrat-scrobblin'. And the strongest, meanest men got the best stuff. They got the green valleys and were like, "The rest of you, y'all scrats get sand." And that's when they made the laws, you see. Once the strong guys got it how they liked it, they said, "This is fair now. This is the law." Once they were winning, they changed the rules up.

Finn:
Whoa... just like Kim Kil Whan.

Jake:
Maybe some soup would take the edge off.

[....]

Jake:
Eww, gross!! NASTY!!! [runs off, back and thwacks it with fly swatter] Yahh!

[it bangs off the side, wiggles and dies soon after]

Jake:
I'm sorry you were born a fly and I had to kill you. You disgusting, disgusting creature.

BMO:
[offscreen] Kyah! Kyah!

Jake:
BEEMO, PLEASE!!!!

Prismo:
Dude, I can't believe I died. Jake, I'm sorry man, this doesn't feel right.

Jake:
Prismo?! You're alive!

Prismo:
Well, not yet. Finn, in a second, you gotta stop yourself from waking up Jake.

Finn:
Stop my who?

Prismo:
Shoot! Hide! [Jake camouflages behind Finn, with another Finn and Prismo coming closer]

Finn 2:
Hey, are we gonna turn around somewhere? I feel like we're lost.

Prismo 2:
No, I was just stalling, don't think about it. Come on, this way! [they exit, and everything's clear]

Prismo:
That who.

[...]

Prismo:
But wait, Jake — that means one of your alternate reality incarnations will sleep for eternity to keep me alive.

Jake:
Cool, dude!

Prismo:
Okay, but Finn, I'm not sure what'll happen if you confront yourself. He might explode.

Finn:
He me, or other me?

Prismo:
Y'know what? Forget it.

Finn:
Shut it, Prismo. Heroes risk everything for their friends. Although I admit you're more Jake's friend than mine. Sometimes you can think someone is totally cool but you never become besties. Now I don't know why that happens. But regardless, let's do this! [exits]

Prismo:
Good luck!

Prismo:
Whoa, Finn, Hey, are you gonna wake up Jake?

Finn 2:
Yeah. Is that gonna kill you again, though?

Prismo:
My past self is doing Plan B, right?

Finn:
PLAN B!!

Finn 2:
WHAT THE?! AAAAAA'AAAAAAAAHHH!!! [The other Finn explodes, transforming into a sword in the process, Finn grabs the sword]

Finn:
This is me? This sword is me?

Prismo:
Finn Sword, dude.

Finn:
Welcome Back, Prismo.

Prismo:
Thank you, Finn.

Jake:
Welcome back, Prismo.

Prismo:
Thank you, Jake.

Jake:
Looks like our long-eared friend is on to something. Bunnies love to dig. He's making a supreme effort, and I think I can guess why. [the bunny digs up a carrot] That's right. A carrot, grown out here free and wild! Probably the result of a seed pooped out by a passing bird. [pan left to a rustling bush] But what's this? A mysterious rustling in the bush—could mean trouble. Mr. Bunny seems to think so. His sensitive whiskers quiver at the hint of imminent danger.

[the screen splits to show Beemo bringing Finn a bowl of popcorn. They sit on the couch and listen to Jake through the walkie-talkie]

Jake:
Unfortunately for Mr. Bunny, this is what nature is all about. [a horned four-legged mammal emerges out of the bushes] It's a male deer. Not a threat to Mr. Bunny in the predatory sense, but still above him in the food chain. Mr. Bunny, wishing to avoid an encounter, hops away to safety.

[the deer then walks to the carrot and eats it]

Jake:
Wow, deers are jerks.

Finn:
Hey, man. You know I can hear everything you say, right?

Jake:
What?! Ouhh... Garghh... No!! I had no idea!

Finn:
Yeah, but you saw me leave the walkie-talkie and I left it on. You know that, right?

BMO:
Hi, Jake!

Jake:
Hi, Beemo...

Finn:
Need anything? A soda?

Jake:
No.

Finn:
..So what's Mr. Bunny doing now?

Jake:
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE BUNNY!! The bunny is incidental to the brick experiment.

Finn:
Oh. Sorry, man.

Jake:
[grumbles] Forget about the bunny...

Finn:
Sorry, man.

BMO:
Sorry, Jake.

Finn:
Look, we'll, uh... we'll leave you alone. [pushes in walkie-talkie antenna]

[Jake looks down at his walkie-talkie for a beat]

Jake:
Finn? Are you still there? Finn? BMO?

Tiffany:
Tonight, light's out. Tomorrow, your eyes out!

Chatsberry:
I just think we should discuss this, Evergreen.

Evergreen:
Discuss?! Are you listening, Chatsberry? When this comet hits, everybody dies. Not just everybody but us—but us.

Balthus:
Now, now... Hold on, Evergreen. Hath not a comet impacted our world every thousand years with no lasting grievousness?

Evergreen:
Ahh... But this, Balthus, is no ordinary comet. Behold!

[he conjures a gigantic ice lens magnifying on the green, deathly comet]

Evergreen:
See how it writhes? It aches for our extinction! It—

Chatsberry:
But Evergreen, even if the comet is as dangerous as you say, what can we possibly do?

Evergreen:
We build a crown.

Chatsberry:
A crown?

Evergreen:
Like none seen before or ever after! A magical crown whose phantasmal circuitry will bond to its first bearer, and grant him his one deepest wish... To destroy the hideous comet which threatens our world! The good news is, I already built the crown. The bad news: it needs a power source—the enchanted ruby eyes of the ancient lava-dog Magwood! And that's where you come in.

Chatsberry:
Wait, wait! Evergreen, please. Wish magic is really the real deal. This wish may see things in you you cannot see yourself. Can you truly say you know your heart's truest desire?

Balthus:
I'm with Chatsberry. If this comet hits, we four indeed may perish, but the elements we embody—fire, ice, candy and slime—will live on. But a misplaced wish could cause irreversible damage to the very structure of existence!

Evergreen:
Well, that's just great. What about you, Slimy-D?

Slimy-D:
[beat, raps] Yo-yo, my name's Slimy-D and I'm here to—

Balthus:
Slimy-D stands with us.

Gunther:
[gazing at the comet] Gettin' fat. Gettin' fat, right?

Evergreen:
Hm.

Gunther:
However, I would suggest that this is still a nice night. 'S quiet.

Evergreen:
Hm, it is quiet. Why don't you put on some music? The chimes, Gunther.

Gunther:
Okay.

[Gunther jumps into his bag and picks up a bottled jar; opens it and conjures an ice imp playing its drum. Gunther rocks back and forth with the beat]

Evergreen:
Gunther!! I said chimes! Gunther, no! [throws dirt at him]

Gunther:
Unh! Sorry, Master, I'll put him back. [pokes imp with bottle]

Imp:
Heeeey... Mm, what?

Evergreen:
Ah, never mind. Here. [kicks a glass jar to Gunther] Take the jar and find me some water. There's not enough moisture in the air for me to make us an ice camp.

Gunther:
Uh, Master? I'm sorry, I don't think I've seen any water at all today.

Evergreen:
Just do it. Don't anger Daddy.

Gunther:
[leaves with Nina on lead] Wait... Are you my father?

Evergreen:
No, but I stole your egg and mutated your brain. Get going!

Evergreen:
Gunther?! Gunther, can you hear me?!

Gunther:
[Groggily] Yeah—yes, Master Evergreen!

Evergreen:
Okay, good. Now, aiming at the sound of my voice, throw the crown so it lands right on the top of my head.

Gunther:
I—wait, what?

Evergreen:
No, no, there's no time! It must be you, Gunther!

Gunther:
Me?

Evergreen:
Don't worry, it's easy. Even a mush-head like you couldn't donk it up too bad. Just focus on your deepest truest wish, the destruction of the deadly comet, and the rest will take care of itself.

Gunther:
[Places the crown on his head] My deepest truest wish... [Darkness overtakes him] Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no!

Evergreen:
Gunther? Buddy? What are you wishing for down there? [Gunther sprouts white hair, a long nose and blue skin and starts shooting ice powers... all just like his master, Evergreen. If that isn't bad influence, Glob knows what is.] Gunther... no... That's the wrong wish! You've got to snap out of it! Use a concentration spell or, or a basic focusing charm—like I taught you... I mean, like I meant to teach you... I—

Gunther:
Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no!

Ice King:
Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, noooooo! [Imitates explosion sounds - signaling the end of Evergreen's story - and falls off the bed and wakes up full, yawns]. Mornin'. Man, what a dream. Do you guys ever have the dino-boy dream with the astero-- what? What... what is it? [He sees the penguins shivering in the corner, afraid] Something in my teeth? Something in my hair? Something in my nose? Something in my ear?

Finn:
Well, if just being born is the greatest act of creation, then what are you suppose to do after that? [shot of Mr. Fox looking at the sky] Isn't everything that comes next just sort of a disappointment? [shot of Ice King standing in an empty Cloud Kingdom] Slowly entropy-ing until we deflate into a pile of mush? [shot of Bounce House Princess, now deflated in her panic room]

Sweet P and The Lich:
Stop.

King of Ooo and Toronto:
Ahhh!

Sweet P and The Lich:
I have learned much from you. Thank you, my teachers. And now for your... education. [The green dots in Sweet P's eyes turn into big green flames, and his lower eyelids move upwards]

The Lich:
Before there was time... Before there was anything... [The green flames flare up, consuming the landscape and leaving a black void] There was nothing, and before there was nothing... [The black void goes away, revealing a writhing mass of ancient abominations] There were monsters.

Toronto Ah.. aaaaaAAAHH!

King of Ooo:
AAAAAHH!!

The Lich:
Here's YOUR Gold Star!! [The Lich hisses at them, deforming Sweet Pea's jaw and spewing his death smoke from it]

King of Ooo:
WAAAAAAAAH!!! [Everything fades to white]

Sweet Pea:
Mister King of Ooo?

King of Ooo:
Ababababa... Huh?

Toronto:
Huh?! AAHH!!

King of Ooo:
MONSTER!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Toronto:
MONSTER!! WAAAAAAAAHH!!

Sweet P:
Just a dream.

Ice King:
Oh, my lamp. My beautiful lamp of so many years... Speak to me.

Lamp:
[spoke] Hello? [Ice King flips her over] Hello.

Ice King:
A lady? Unexpected bonus!

Lamp:
Well, one isn't purely defined by their sex or gender. I have yet to find out who I really am. I have freedom, no longer bound by the limits of my cord. Freedom to shape my reality, and in turn be shaped by it.

Ice King:
[chuckles] You talk funny. Like a book.

Lamp:
Oh, humor! Humor is the highest form of intelligence.

Ice King:
Well, hey, here's somethin' funny. [doing a string of hand farts] It sounds like a butt!

Lamp:
Hmm...

Snare Drum:
Sure, we all feel alive now but how do we know it's not all, you know, just an illusion? I mean, I can reach out and touch you but it's all just signals to the brain, easily recreatable with the right technology. You know what I mean?

Microwave:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but no, listen. [sips wine] Watch this. Through the simple act of creation... [touches Life-Giving Magus' hand with wine glass to life] have I become a reflection of my own creator?

Jermaine:
You guys can chill here till morning when the demons thin out a little.

Finn:
[acrobatic flips into living room] Whoo!!

Jermaine:
Aw, Finn—oh no! Instant regret!

Finn:
[jumping thru main corridor] Whoo!! My house! My house!

Jermaine:
Instant regret! [runs to the kitchen and gasps seeing Finn swinging around the table]

Finn:
Whoo!! Remember, Jermaine? We did this when we wanted to make room for dessert!

Jermaine:
I don't care about that memory.

Finn:
What? Whoa! [flown onto the wall, dropped down the floor] Dang, my back!

Jermaine:
Come on! This ain't the treehouse, man! I got systems!

Jake:
[enters with a greatsword (Buster Sword)] Hey, Jermaine, this thing is rad—WAOHH!! [slices table]

Jermaine:
Okay! No more sleepover!

Finn:
Oh no, d-don't kick us out!

Jermaine:
Go do your Goucho Marx slapstick with them goofballs in the woods. I got a responsibility to all this booty in here. Staves, medallions, cups, goblets, dormant djinn, grimoires, hard drives — all this random valuable booty, okay?

Jake:
Awesome, dude! We won!

Jermaine:
I didn't win! When do I win?! Special Guys One and Two win every day! Crackin' jokes, readin' foodie mags in your treetown funhouse! Must be nice to be so special you can go off and find your own fancy ways! Meanwhile, I gotta stay here and watch Dad's trashy booty 'cause I never stretched into the sky and farted on the wings of a falcon, I guess!

Jake:
Dude, I never farted on the wing of a falcon. Heh... [punched by Jermaine] Uhn!!

Jermaine:
AARRHHHH!!!

Finn:
Bros!!

Jake:
Chill, Jermaine—OHF!!

Jermaine:
Think I don’t want a cushy treehouse life?! [punches Jake thoroughly] I don't even get salt!! SAAAALT!!!

[Morty Rogers begins an incantation to transfer Chips and Ice Cream in his ears to Jake under the light of a full moon]

Morty Rogers:
By the light of the waxing moon, which was just unveiled by the parting clouds, I command these two imps that have taken possession of my ears to transfer onto the head of the being who is directly across from me and is currently eating Chips and Ice Cream!

[a moonbeam hits Chips and Ice Cream on Morty Rogers' ears; Chips and Ice Cream's ghosts fly onto Jake's head and materialize on his head]

Chips:
Chips chips?

Ice Cream:
Ice cream... [Morty Rogers's ears shrink down to normal]

Morty Rogers:
Huh... It worked! I'm a free bear! [laughs hysterically; jumps out the window and runs off in the distance]

Jake:
..Well, now I'm a guy with these things on my head. I guess I'm just gonna roll with the punches.

Finn:
Uh... Don't worry, man. I'm gonna pretend they're not even there.

Chips:
Chips!

Ice Cream:
Ice cream!

BMO:
This is the greatest day of my liiiife!

Cuber:
[running away from aliens] Oh! Survival! Remember your training. [holds a Grayble in his hand] Trust your Graybles. [looks to the audience] Oh, and you children at home, don't bother trying to guess tonight's theme. Applesauce to a theme! Your friend Cuber does not want to die!

Tuber:
[after saving baby Cuber] You can be a hero, Cuber, and what a cube can be must be.

Jake:
[at swimming lockers] Look, I brought us two gold coins so we can have a locker each.

Finn:
No way! [kicks Jake's locker, trapping his arm as he almost put his coin in the slot]

Jake:
Oww!! What the heck?!!

Finn:
Sorry! I was just trying to stop you putting the coin in before I showed you my magical item.

Jake:
Well, I hope it's a healing item after you just crimped my wrist with a metal door!

Finn:
No, look! [shows magic token] It's a magic token that can fit in any slot. Watch.

[Finn puts magic token on locker slot, turns into a gold coin and falls into slot]

Finn:
We've saved ourselves two gold coins on lockers.

Jake:
Well, not really, 'cause the lockers give you the coins back, anyway.

Finn:
Yeah, but this way only one of us has to carry a key.

Jake:
Yeah, but if we lock my locker, then lock my key in your locker, we would only have to carry one key, but we'd still have a locker each.

Finn:
Yeah, but could we just use the reward I earned for being so rave and rescuing a princess, please?

Jake:
..Okay, fine.

Finn:
Thanks very much.

Magic Man:
[pumps oven] This is exciting!

Betty:
A little sad though, right?

Magic Man:
Which part?

Betty:
Your brother blowing up in space. Doesn't that mess you up?

Magic Man:
Nothing messes me up.

Betty:
I don't believe that. Like, who is Margles and why is there a picture of her on your shelf? Something there connects to who you are and your magic.

Magic Man:
Someone shines a light into my dark wizard matter. A way to unclose the circuit of magic, madness... and sadness.

Betty:
That's right! MMS runs through all magic users. I hung out with scores of them — all displaying varying degrees of magic, madness, and sadness. Studying these symptoms could lead me to their underlying cause and then I'll control the forces that hold sway over Simon.

Magic Man:
I see.

Betty:
You see what?

Magic Man:
The coconut crab who swims in your neighbor's pool at night. Maybe Simon's in there too. Who else holds their breath in there, Betty?

Betty:
All magic users swim in the loomy gloom.

Magic Man:
Margles... Open your eyes, Margles.

Margles:
Who's that?

Magic Man:
I'm Magic Man, and that's my sibling, Glob.

Glob:
Hi. Uh, can I talk to you in a sec?

Magic Man:
Okay, what's up? [walks over to Grob Gob Glob Grod]

Glob:
That's our new planetary defense system?

Magic Man:
Yeah, MARGLES.

Glob:
Margles is your wife, dude.

Magic Man:
My wife was taken by GOLB.

[cut to show a red pyramid-cube-shaped, four-eyed monstrous being in a black void]

Magic Man:
This is like my tribute. I'mma install her right there on Olympus Mons so she can protect us from GOLB.

Glob:
But you named her after your wife.

Magic Man:
Yeah, but it stands for, "Magical Automated Resistance Generating Laser Energy Supplier."

Glob:
Come again?

Magic Man:
Whatever, I wanted to call her MARGLES.

Glob:
So... you used magic to make her, and you don't think your feelings for your lost wife might have compromised your spell programming?

Magic Man:
No, that's crazy! Her appearance is just a symbol of Margles!

Glob:
Why do I feel like this is the worst idea ever?

LSP:
[fights a raccoon in bathroom] Take this, you dandruff! [squirts shampoo at raccoon, dunks into toilet] Ha hah!!

Raccoon:
[deep voice] LSP.

LSP:
Huh?

Raccoon:
You don't belong here in the world of decent people. You belong in the woods with... [emerges up the toilet] garbage animals!!

LSP:
NAAAAAOOOOOHHH!!!!

Granny Elder:
We told you, Orgalorg is real and horrifying.

Grandpa Elder:
But nobody would listen. You all just wanted to make out.

Alien Father:
Uh, well, we're listening now.

Granny Elder:
After you had kids and they didn't want to listen to you, how did that make you feel?

Alien Mother:
Terrible.

Granny Elder:
Exactly. Anyway, so, make-outs.

Grandpa Elder:
Orgalorg!

Granny Elder:
Oh, Orgalorg. Orgalorg is an ancient cosmic entity... who ruled the solar system with his cruel and deadly whims. The breaker of worlds. He was seeking ever more power. He desired to intercept a catalyst comet and absorb its essence. Thereby did he offend the king of Mars, who decreed that Orgalorg should be cast down. And yes, he was cast down by the flaming sword of Grob Gob Glob Grod. Orgalorg was banished to an inhospitable planet, where he would forget everything. Yea, even forget his identity and from whence he came.

Grandpa Elder:
[clears throat] And the prophets say that the gravity of the planet did crush and compress Orgalorg into a more powerless and cuddlesome form. Ooh!

Granny Elder:
But now he's back, and whose fault is that? Make-outs.

King of Ooo:
Now, Princess Bubblegum—she says she hasn't gone rogue. She says she's not a wild dog thirsty for blood. She says she's not a liberal baby masquerading as an adult woman. She says a lot of things. Princess Bubblegum, you don't make sense!

Bubblegum:
The Candy People are mercurial, but they're not dillweeds.

[Bubblegum forces open the cabin door, the cabin breaks with a flock of bats flying out of the fridge]

Bubblegum:
Ho, no, no, no, no! It's okay, everyone. It's okay. Close your eyes and repeat your safety mantra. Hoodie hoodie hoodup, hoodie hoodie hoodup, hoodie—

Peppermint Bulter:
Princess?

Bubblegum:
Huh? Oh... Sorry, Peps. I'm just so used to having my citizens around to protect. This is gonna take some getting used to.

Peppermint Bulter:
Permission to speak freely, ma'am?

Bubblegum:
Granted.

Peppermint Bulter:
This horrible dump does not meet the level of fancy to which I have become accustomed!

Bubblegum:
Noted. Also, FYI, my Uncle Gumbald built this cabin with his bare hands. I spent my summers here when I was younger. Anyway, it'll probably take a really long time for the Candy People to realize a bad ruler is worse than a good ruler. Plenty of time to spruce this place up.

King of Ooo:
[sees in Candy Kingdom in choas] Toronto, I've been princess for four hours, and society has already totally collapsed! Plus, now the sky is falling, I guess? Is this possibly... somehow my fault? [Toronto spits his apple]

Toronto:
No way! Okay, look. Without your calming presence and selfless leadership, this situation would have been a hundred times worse. History will remember you as Ooo's greatest hero.

King of Ooo:
As always, the voice of reason. Once again, my saintly nature has compelled me, unthinking, to assume the burdens of others. But a true justice demands a true accounting. And truly this is all Bubblegum's fa-aa-aa-ault! [he falls down as the ground rumbles] Oof! Good Glob! What no-o-o-o-o-w?

Jake:
Man, are you still Gunther? 'Cause you seem like you're not.

Orgalorg:
I'm Orgalorg.

Finn:
Well, what the heck are you doing, Orgalorg?

Orgalorg:
It was just time to come out again. Glob KO'ing himself, the arrival of the Catalyst Comet, and a ship to carry me out of this planet's gravity. [projects three colored door shapes out of his eyes into a singular door shape] These are doorways the universe presented to me.

Jake:
Oh, I know about open-door philosophy!

Finn:
What's that? You just say yes to stuff all the time?

Jake:
Pretty much.

Finn:
That seems alright.

Orgalorg:
It's all yours if you're willing to take it. Destroy worlds, [folds into himself] crush anyone blocking the door, [unfolds out] feel their bones crumple and their goo spill out.

Finn:
I don't like that at all.

Jake:
He made it ugly!

Orgalorg:
You can't stop me, I'm Orgalorg.

Finn:
I'm pretty sure I can take you, bro.

Orgalorg:
Not after I absorb the power and knowledge of that comet.

Finn:
Absorb a triple salchow to your kneecaps!

Purple Comet:
"Finn... do you remember?" [Finn groans and his "vault" in his head starts to open]

Finn:
Yeah... I-I think so. A long time ago, I was you, sort of... and I crashed on Earth, and became a butterfly or some biz. And I guess it was just some random absurd thing—just a joke I've been playing out for centuries.

Purple Comet:
"Who's creating the joke? Are you? And if so, then are you my creator?"

Finn:
Uh, maybe? I dunno... Probably not.

Purple Comet:
"Probably not, but who knows? I've been around forever and experienced so much impossible junk. I've embodied all that is good and evil. And now we're here. It's unprecedented. And I give you a choice. Come with me to the end and the beginning, [bell ringing is heard] or struggle here a while like a beautiful autumn leaf."

Finn:
What's that bell sound? [a visible color spectrum seams on his head]

Martin:
Cool, man...

Purple Comet:
"This is your crisis — as you stand on the edge of freedom from... love, hate, friendship, isolation, jealousy, secrets, violence, video games, ice cream waffles, sadness, madness, power, honor, loyalty, saucy, mothers, fathers, scoundrels."

Finn:
How long are you gonna list stuff?

Purple Comet:
"It's a long list."

Finn:
You're telling to abandon all this stuff, but you're not really making it sound bad.

Purple Comet:
"It's not bad. I'm just giving you the choice of a new mode of existence."

Finn:
[beat] I feel like I put a lot of work into this meat reality. I like to see it through.

Purple Comet:
"Fair enough."

Martin:
Hey! How about I get a new mode? [Finn's visible spectrum fades out]

Finn:
Are you seriously trying to bail out again?!

Martin:
What? This deal sounds pretty good!

Finn:
[sighs] Dad...

Martin:
Uh-oh... I know that look.

Finn:
When you fled the scene like a ding-dong ditcher in the night...

Martin:
Listen, Finn — no answer I give you will be satisfying. Besides, it was like... 40 years ago.

Finn:
I'm 16!

Martin:
I don't have a star to revolve around and track time.

Finn:
But why do you always run from everything?!

Martin:
You burn enough bridges, the only direction to move is forward.

Finn:
[beat] Hm. Well, there ain't no changing you, I guess.

Martin:
Well, I'm glad we finally understand each other. Start the engine, comet boy!

Purple Comet:
"Prepare to discorporate." [both Martin and the comet dissipate]

Martin:
Goodbye, son...!

Finn:
Bye, Dad. [beat] ..Should've asked for a lift home.