Veronica Mars, Season 1

Veronica:
"Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always to be blest: the soul, uneasy and confined from home, rests and expatiates in a life to come."

Mrs. Murphy:
And what do you suppose Pope meant by that?

Veronica:
Life's a bitch until you die.

Weevil:
Sister. The only time I care what a woman has to say is when she's riding my big old hog. Even then, it's not so much words, just a bunch of "oohs" and "ahs" you know?

Veronica:
So it's big, huh?

Weevil:
Legendary.

Veronica:
Well , let's see it. I mean if it's as big as you say, I'll be your girlfriend. [bats eyes and gasps] We could go to prom together. What? What seems to be the problem? I'm on a schedule here, vato.

Felix Toombs:
Weevil, don't let blondie talk to you like that.

Veronica:
Sounds like your buddy here wants to see it too.

Felix:
Oh, hell, I'll show you mine!

Vice Principal Clemmons:
Felix Toombs. What on God's green Earth is going on here? All right, gentleman, move along. [Weevil, Felix and others leave] Veronica, why does trouble follow you around? [Clemmons leaves]

Fire Chief:
[about Veronica] Well, if it isn't Smokey the Barely Legal.

Logan:
Hey, Veronica Mars. Do you know what your little joke cost me?

Veronica:
Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.

Logan:
[smashes a headlight] Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?

Veronica:
Clearly your sense of humor.

Logan:
[smashes other headlight] Nope. And you're usually so good at pop quizzes. No, the correct answer is: my car. That's right, my Daddy took my T-bird away. And you know what I won't be having? Fun, fun, fun.

Wallace:
I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from The Outsiders.

Veronica:
Be cool, Sodapop.

Wallace:
Another big Friday night. You got plans?

Veronica:
I don't know. I might take Backup for a run or rent a movie, maybe.

Wallace:
Hey, congratulations. You are officially Neptune High's most boring person.

Veronica:
Did I mention the movie might be PG-13?

Wallace:
Oh, jump back, wild child!

Veronica:
What about you, Wallace? Your life still a non-stop Nelly video?

Wallace:
Hey, at least I want my life to be a non-stop Nelly video.

Veronica:
I gotta run. The counselor wants to see me before class.

Keith:
About what?

Veronica:
Uh, my schedule and my attitude, not necessarily in that order. Her words.

Veronica:
I printed out the entire browser history from Logan Echolls's computer in his fourth period computer lab class.

Wallace:
So is he guilty?

Veronica:
Well, of wanting desperately to see pictures of Alyssa Milano naked, yes.

Troy:
Flat?

Veronica:
Just as God made me.

Troy:
Are you always this persnickety?

Veronica:
Sometimes I'm even persnicketier.

Veronica:
[voiceover] They gave me a choice. I could stand by my dad, or stand by Duncan and my dead best friend's family. I chose Dad. It's a decision I live with every day. And you want to know the kicker? I don't even know what's true anymore. Maybe everyone else is right. Maybe Dad screwed up the investigation. Maybe I gave up my circle of friends - my life - over an error in Dad's judgment.

Troy:
Guess what I'm doing this weekend.

Veronica:
I'm guessing it involves autoeroticism.

Keith:
Have you been playing nice with the other children?

Veronica:
You know Dad, I'm old school, an eye for an eye.

Keith:
I think that's actually Old Testament.

Keith:
So how did she rope you into this?

Wallace:
She promised me all the answer keys to… Just promised to be my friend.

Keith:
I'd have held out for a better offer.

Keith:
It's just that I never want you to think your mom's the villain in all this.

Veronica:
Isn't she?

Keith:
No, it's not that simple.

Veronica:
Yeah, it is. The hero is the one that stays and the villain is the one that splits.

Keith:
I don't think that's a healthy perspective.

Veronica:
It's healthier than me pining away everyday, praying she'll come home.

Veronica:
[voiceover] Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything, creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle, and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild. Because after disaster strikes, the important thing is that you move on. But if you're like me, you just keep chasing the storm. (pause) The problem with chasing the storm is that it wears you down, breaks your spirit. Even the experts agree, a girl needs closure.

[Veronica arrives home from a date.]

Veronica:
So, what did you think of him?

Keith:
Oh, hey, you're home early.

Veronica:
Oh, hey, did you run his license plate or did you get fingerprints?

Keith:
I'm sorry, honey, what?

Veronica:
You know you're not fooling me.

Keith:
Okay. Veronica, I have no idea what you're talking about. [Veronica scoffs and starts to go to her room] Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you. If he's gonna be kissing my daughter on my porch for eight-and-a-half minutes, I'll need to meet him. Sweet dreams, honey.

Veronica:
Is that really necessary?

Keith:
He's taking up a lot of daddy/daughter time.

Wallace:
It's not going to work. You can't take the cool out of me. Look, pocket protector and I'm still full of pimp juice.

[Playing "I Never"]

Logan:
I've never taken matters into my own hand in the boys' locker room after watching the cheerleader tryouts.

[Veronica and Lilly gasp]

Duncan:
Dude, you are so dead.

Lilly:
Very pervy, Duncan. I'm a little impressed though.

Logan:
You must drink, comrade.

Veronica:
Please tell me that was before we started dating.

Duncan:
[drinking] Of course. I've never, um, I've never seen my parents having sex. [Lilly drinks, everyone gasps] No way, no way.

Lilly:
Yeah, I went into their room to borrow Mom's black sweater.

Duncan:
No, just shut up.

Lilly:
Mom was on top of Dad.

Duncan:
Oh my God, I don't wanna see this!

Lilly:
Hold on a second! She was like this. Watch. She was like this. [moaning] Ohh. Ohh. [yawning] Ohh.

Duncan:
Lilly, that is so wrong.

Lilly:
I think Dad probably thought so too.

Keith:
So, Veronica tells me, um, well, actually she hasn't told me anything about you.

Troy:
Well, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Keith:
Neither do I. [both laugh]

Troy:
Well, if you have any questions or you know, you want a list of references or anything...

Keith:
So, you going to the homecoming dance?

Troy:
Oh yes, sir, if that's okay with you.

Keith:
Oh, of course. And after the dance?

Troy:
Well I think that Veronica said that she had to be right home after.

Keith:
Yeah, good. And you're gonna stay for the whole dance. I mean, you're not gonna leave early and go to a party or a hotel, and still make it back by curfew?

Troy:
No, uh, I mean, the whole point of going to the dance... is to go to the dance.

Keith:
Good. Good. So you won't mind then, that I canceled your reservation at the Four Seasons?

Duncan:
Oh, my God. They called the cops.

Veronica:
They called my dad.

Lilly:
This is like, the best dance EVER.

Veronica:
[to Troy, about Logan] Uh, your monkey's gonna have to ride in the back.

Logan:
Ha ha. Nice car. God, it must've been a huge cereal box.

Veronica:
[voiceover] You know those people who can predict when change is coming in their life? I'm not one of them. Change has a way of just walking up and punching me in the face.

Veronica:
So far it's been a whole lot of brick walls, but I talked to my buddy Earl yesterday at the impound yard.

Troy:
What do I love more? That you have a buddy named Earl or that he works at the impound yard?

Veronica:
I'm guessing both. No sign of the Beamer. But he can get you a great deal on a Good Times van.

Troy:
I'll pass that on to my dad when he gets back. Maybe it'll take his mind off of loading his gun.

Veronica:
Here's a thought: If Tijuana was Logan's idea, then stealing the car could have been the master plan.

Troy:
It was more of a meeting of the minds, if you will.

Veronica:
Ah, so what was on the menu for this night of grand debauchery?

Troy:
Let's see, uh, from eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. After that, it was, uh, yeah, it was all donkey shows.

Veronica:
Ah, so the usual?

Troy:
Pretty much.

Veronica:
I obviously know nothing about relationships.

Keith:
But you can bake, and that's important.

Duncan:
Thanks, Dad. You know, I polled the rest of the soccer team. None of them want to see my junk.

Jake:
Well, now you're covered.

Veronica:
Tough day?

Keith:
[imitating Phillip Marlowe] That ain't the half of it. See, this dame walks in, and you should've seen the getaway sticks on her. Says something's hinky with her old man.

Veronica:
[imitating Marlowe] Did ya put the screws to him?

Keith:
You ain't kiddin', he sang like a canary.

Veronica:
[normal voice] You're in luck, Phillip Marlowe, because it's dessert for dinner night, and I've got a sundae thing set up here.

Keith:
[normal voice] If child services finds out about this, they will take you away.

Veronica:
Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Keith:
Honey, shouldn't we try something at the base of the food pyramid? You know - fruits and vegetables.

Veronica:
[gasps] What is that? A maraschino cherry?

Lilly:
Check you out, Veronica Mars. You're like a rocker chick now. You and I, we'd have a lot of fun together. Yeah, if, um, if I wasn't dead and stuff.

Veronica:
Why are you here?

Lilly:
Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served.

Veronica:
Really?

Lilly:
Yeah, that, and as kinda a side project, I dispense fashion advice.

Ms. Dent:
Good morning, Veronica. I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in covering the election for the student newspaper.

Veronica:
Sure, I'll write it up this afternoon.

Ms. Dent:
The election's tomorrow.

Veronica:
And I can already see the headline: "Brown-Nosing Resumé Packer Wins in a Landslide."

Clemmons:
Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?

Logan:
"Anthropomorphic." All yours, big guy.

Clemmons:
Oh. [fake laugh] Your father has generously offered to donate a pair of boots for our school fundraising auction.

Logan:
Not the ones made for walking? God, I love those boots.

Logan:
They teach you manners in ESL?

Weevil:
If I was gonna cheat, don't you think I'd pick somebody smart?

Logan:
If you "was gonna"?

Mr. Daniels:
Ah, alas, you both get zeroes. No talking during tests.

Logan:
I guess Mrs. Daniels ain't giving it up at home, huh?

Mr. Daniels:
You know, the glow of your father's wealth and celebrity may be enough to sustain you through high school, Mr. Echolls, but do you know what it will get you in the real world?

Logan:
[sarcastically] Please say "high school English teacher." Please...say "high school English teacher." [Weevil snickers]

Mr. Daniels:
Mr. Navarro. I wonder if you'll find Mr. Echolls so amusing ten years from now - when you're pumping his gas.

Mr Daniels:
This is punishment, gentlemen, not party time.

Logan:
Well, that would explain the absence of balloon animals.

Veronica:
Did you hear something last night?

Keith:
What kind of something?

Veronica:
Like a loud thump from upstairs.

Keith:
I don't know. But you know me, I can sleep through an earthquake. Why?

Veronica:
I don't know. It sounded like a falling body. It really freaked me out.

Keith:
A falling body?

Veronica:
Yes, a falling body.

Keith:
Would you describe the sound as "Hitchcockian"?

Veronica:
I'm glad you're able to entertain yourself.

Keith:
Oh, sweetie, don't sell yourself short. I find you completely entertaining.

Veronica:
Think I've got a future in the biz?

Keith:
I think you've got a future as a highly paid Ivy League-educated executive of some sort who never thinks about private investigation again in her perfect life. Now... let's do something normal fathers and daughters do.

Veronica:
Buy me a pony?

Keith:
I was thinking I'd watch TV and you'd rub my feet.

Veronica:
Hmm. Yeah, that's normal.

Meg:
Veronica? Did you find your clothes? [looks down at the toilet to see Veronica's clothes almost flushed]

Veronica:
Well, does this towel make me look fat?

Meg:
You need something to wear? [they walk out of school with Veronica wearing a cheerleading uniform] I usually have sweats in my locker. Sorry.

Veronica:
No, this is perfect. I just have to resist the urge to do a cartwheel.

Keith:
Wallace's mom had a plan, and I didn't want to overstep.

Veronica:
Overstepping is your main form of transportation.

Veronica:
Oh, God.

Mac:
What?

Veronica:
My outbox. There's an e-mail from me to my ex-boyfriend.

Mac:
Duncan Kane? [Veronica looks at Mac] You used to be all anyone gossiped about. You still are. Just... a different way. So, what does it say?

Veronica:
"Dear Duncan, I want you to know that I still love you very much, and I think about you constantly. Every time I see you, my heart breaks. I need to tell you that when we were dating, I had VD. I hope you didn't catch anything from me." Am I naked? Because in my nightmares, I'm usually naked.

Veronica:
Funny. No one's come running up to me.

Meg:
It's because people are afraid of you.

Veronica:
Then something's working.

Meg:
Getting tough? Yeah, that was good advice. And I needed that. The getting even part? You might want to rethink that one. You do have friends, Veronica.

'Meg:
You believe me?

Veronica:
Meg, you're the last good person at this school. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. If you want, I can find who posted that test for you. We'll clear your name and make somebody pay.

Meg:
Really?

Veronica:
Unless there is a Fairy godmother already on it.

Keith:
It's a waterbed.

Veronica:
Alright.

Keith:
Come on, you've wanted one of these things since, like, you were 5 years old.

Veronica:
I also wanted to marry Vanilla Ice and build the world's largest collection of Zbots.

Wallace:
Hacky Sack? The final arena of unquestioned white domination.

Veronica:
Dad, you're an ex-cop. You know gangland-enforcer types. Can't you find someone to intimidate the maintenance supe into fixing the hot water problem?

Veronica:
[voiceover] Forbidden barn? Check. Implied polygamy? Check. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a cult.

Veronica:
[voiceover] I can't get it out of my mind. Somewhere in Pennsylvania a lab tech is determining if I'm heir to a billion-dollar fortune. It's not about the money. It's about making Jake Kane pay. But if I am an heiress, [Southern accent] as God is my witness, I'll never take cold showers again!

Veronica:
Someone stole your laptop?

Duncan:
There was this poker game at Logan's last night. Weevil won five grand and someone stole the money. This is his way of collecting.

Veronica:
You lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas.

Duncan:
I didn't invite him.

Veronica:
I wasn't talking about Weevil.

Veronica:
[tilts head] Hey.

Weevil:
See, there you go with that head tilt thing. You know, you think you're all bad-ass, but whenever you need something, it's all [mimics Veronica's head tilt] "Hey."

Veronica:
Just be glad I don't flip my hair. I'd own you.

Veronica:
[voiceover] What was I thinking? Christmas in Neptune is, was, and always will be, about the trappings: the lights and the tinsel they use to cover up the sordidness, the corruption. No, Veronica, there is no Santa Claus.

Veronica:
Oh, I am so sick of not having money. I'd be the best rich person. Seriously. I'd be the perfect combination of frivolous and sensible. Money is so wasted on the wealthy.

Veronica:
You know.. there are some people who think Christmas is about the birth of Christ, not baseball.

Keith:
Well.. we're all entitled to our own religions Veronica.

Keith:
You don't go to the Oceanside bars that the college kids hang out at, do you?

Veronica:
I prefer the biker bar by the train station. I get more attention there.

Jackson:
I hear you do detective stuff for people.

Veronica:
I do favors for friends.

Jackson:
I can pay.

Veronica:
Sit down, friend.

Lamb:
Veronica Mars. Is your daddy here or is he busy peeking in people's windows?

Veronica:
You stop dressing up like Little Bo Peep, he'll stop peeking.

Mac:
[to Veronica] With your sleuth prowess and my programming skills, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that we would rule the entire known universe.

Lamb:
Strapping on a guitar... does it get rid of feelings of inadequacy?

Gabe:
Does strapping on a gun?

Veronica:
[in jail] Know any good lawyers?

Cliff:
Very cute. I know an adequate one that just posted your $500 bail.

Veronica:
They take Diner's Club here?

Wallace:
This mission better involve me seducing the head cheerleader.

Veronica:
I need you to poke around and see if you can get me a fake ID. If you must seduce the head cheerleader in order to accomplish your mission, so be it.

Wallace:
No sweat! How do I do it?

Veronica:
Play on her insecurity.

Wallace:
I meant the fake ID.

Miss James:
You know what, it sounds like you blame Veronica.

Logan:
You know, Veronica was my friend too. And if she hadn't ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn't have been alone that day. I would have been there. So, yeah, I blame Veronica. And I blame myself for being stupid. And I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week.

Miss James:
You know, there is another way of looking at this, Logan. If you'd still been together, you might be dead too.

Logan:
And what is so great about living?

[Veronica]:
[In Lamb's office] And I'll be over here chillin' like a villain.

Lamb:
[reading off of a $50 bill] Veronica Mars is... smarter than me.

Veronica:
[slaps Lamb playfully] Oh, you stop it!

Veronica:
Next time remember: Lift drunk combative bail-jumpers with your legs, not your back.

Keith:
Hey honey, what's cooking?

Veronica:
Not sure myself. Something that ends in -aroni.

Aaron:
Have you heard from your sister?

Logan:
She sent a telegram. Heartbroken. Stop. Can't make it back from Sydney. Stop. Underwater shoot starts tomorrow. Stop. Entire crew said prayer for Mom. Stop. Love you. Stop.

Aaron:
Logan...

Logan:
Stop?

Lilly:
I'm ditching his party this weekend 'cause I don't want him getting all crazy violent every time a boy undresses me with his eyes, which happens all the time. It's not my fault. I can't help it--God made me fabulous.

Logan:
You know what Mom would have wanted? She would have wanted you to not sleep with all her friends. She would have wanted you to care as much about her as your career. So okay, Dad, let's be honest. Maybe we both wished we'd been better. But she's only gone because of you.

Logan:
There's a woman who saw my mom get out of her car and get in a van with a "mysterious stranger."

Veronica:
There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid.

Logan:
So the girl with a pig arm can't really bowl?

Veronica:
I just don't want you to get your hopes up.

Logan:
I'm not paying you to worry about my hopes; I'm paying you to follow leads.

Veronica:
I wasn't aware you were paying me.

Logan:
This isn't a favor. It's a job, you know. I mean, we're not exchanging friendship bracelets.

Veronica:
I'll stop braiding.

[Trying to filch info on her father's case, Veronica sets off a blue-dye packet in a trap he set for her.]

Keith:
Hey, honey. What have you been up to?

Veronica:
Tell me where to put your Father of the Year trophy, 'cause there's some place I'd like to put it!

Keith:
Wow. Good thing I didn't go with the bear trap.

Veronica:
This is not funny! I need to see that diary! She's lying. I know it. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.

Keith:
Honey, you don't have to get all blue in the face.

Veronica:
You're patronizing me?

Keith:
To be fair, I am your patron.

[Veronica is looking at a trophy case.]

Weevil:
If you're looking for my trophy, it's back by auto shop.

Veronica:
Lube job? Or, can you medal in stealing hub caps?

Weevil:
Is this 1970? Rims, baby.

Veronica:
So you got a trophy for a rim job?

Weevil:
Forget it. Look, I got some information for you.

Veronica:
Finally! A Deep Throat to call my own.

Weevil:
I'm not going to touch that one.

Veronica:
How hard can it be to find an actor named Tom Cruz?

Wallace:
Tom Cruise? Not as good a private eye as I thought.

Wallace:
Damn. This dog is a freak show. He oughta be in show biz.

Veronica:
D'you think that's some kind of rare breed or something?

Wallace:
That or a drunk dingo had a three-way with an ocelot and a porcupine.

Wallace:
Mexican hairless. What's the point of having a dog if it's bald? What are you gonna pet? Skin?

Keith:
Don't forget. You're a high school girl. Do some high school girl things now and then.

Veronica:
Relax, Dad. I'm cutting pictures of Ashton out of Teen People as we speak.

Meg:
[about Leo] Wow, Veronica, he totally wants to protect and serve you.

Duncan:
Great game the other night man. Eighteen points, eight assists.

Wallace:
On the streets we call those dimes.

Veronica:
Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.

Veronica:
[as "Betty"] At my old school I was Horny! [receives odd looks] We were the Rhinos. I was the mascot.

Richie:
And what school was that?

Veronica:
Riverdale.

Richie:
Never heard of it.

Weevil:
Wait a minute. You went to a pet store and took a picture of yourself with a parrot so people would think you were cool?

Wilson:
Yeah. All right?

Weevil:
That's this close [uses thumb and finger to illustrate] to taking a hot cousin to your prom. Go home.

Leo:
I hate to bribe you, but... I'm fairly certain that aiding and abetting qualifies me for a dinner date.

Veronica:
Actually, it qualifies you for dinner and a movie, but you undershot, so...

Leo:
Damn!

Veronica:
Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?

Wallace:
Isn't that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?

Veronica:
Caz, I'm kind of busy so let's play this at fast forward. I ask you to stop harassing Sabrina Fuller. You deny it. I eventually catch you. You're suspended, dropped from basketball and made the subject of a news blurb that everyone chuckles at in the papers. So stop harassing Sabrina, okay?

Caz:
Look, I'm not harassing Sabrina.

Veronica:
Caz, did you listen?

Keith:
Look, I don't know if you were looking for "Pimp" in the phone book and just stopped at P.I....

Veronica:
Hello? Yes, this is 'Miss Sabrina'. A bad boy? Well...Nestor Greely of Encinitas, twenty grand on credit cards, two divorces, and a repo'd Sebring. You have been a bad boy! Miss Sabrina commands you: put your pants back on and get a job!

Jake:
You are having sex with my daughter?

Weevil:
Not right now.

Keith:
Guess who stopped by today?

Veronica:
If you say Josh Hartnett, I'm gonna be so bummed.

[Veronica enters the house after kissing deputy Leo goodnight.]

Keith:
Veronica, we need to talk.

Veronica:
[in Southern accent] He's a fine gentleman, Pa. He'll come up with the dowry to marry me, just you wait.

Veronica:
Dear Seventeen, how can I tell if the really cute boy in my class has a crush on me? No, strike that. Dear Seventeen, how can I tell if the really cute boy in my class murdered his sister?

Wallace:
He's not gropin' her, is he?

Veronica:
No, but earlier I saw him cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket.

Ben:
[talking to Veronica] Is it okay if he goes outside? [referring to Logan] I would like to talk to you.

Logan:
Dream on, Jump Street, I'm not leaving you alone with her.

[Veronica calls Mac for yet another computer-tech favor.]

Mac:
What did you ever do before you met me?

Veronica:
Ever see the first 10 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey? It was a lot like that.

Logan:
So, what do you think?

Veronica:
Like, in general? Or is there a specific area on which you'd like my opinion?

Trina:
Pop Tart?

Logan:
Hmmm, a Tart from a tart.

Trina:
Ye of the sickle wit. Can I ask you something?

Logan:
Hmm, would you look at that? [mimics pulling something from his mouth] There was a string attached to my Pop Tart. [tosses away imaginary string]

Trina:
Yeah. Well, I'm in a little bit of a jam, and I could use a loan.

Logan:
[stops his stopwatch] Twelve hours to hit me up for my dead mother's money. Hmmm, I wonder who had that in the pool.

Trina:
You know I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

Logan:
Oh, I do. I do.

Trina:
Could I just borrow ten grand? Just for a little while.

Logan:
Ten grand?!

Trina:
Will you just hear me out, please? My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago, and now he's bugging me about it. I - I can't get him off my back.

Logan:
Did you try standing up?

Trina:
Is Dad still at dinner?

Logan:
Yeah, but he's not far. I'm sure if you really tried, you could blow smoke up his ass from here. [pauses] Hey, Trin - if you take your top off before you get on the mechanical bull, you won't fall off.

Logan:
Hey, I need your help.

Veronica:
Would it be weird for me to start my own drinking game? Like, I have to do a shot every time someone asks for my help?

Logan:
Do you think Lilly loved Weevil?

Veronica:
I don't know. Um, Lilly never mentioned anything to me about Weevil. I was wondering when you were going to ask me about that.

Logan:
Yeah, well… I don't know. When he's caught in her bedroom, you know, I guess you gotta think.

Veronica:
You're handling it a lot better than I thought you would.

Logan:
I loved Lilly. And Lilly loved guys.

Veronica:
Logan, you know that -

Logan:
You know, she used to say that her… her parents worshiped Duncan and tolerated her. And if she couldn't please 'em, she was going to go out of her way to piss 'em off. Weevil must have been perfect for that.

Veronica:
I know Lilly loved you.

Logan:
Just not like I loved her. [pauses] It's okay. No, you know, it kinda lets me off the hook. You know, I… You know, I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

Veronica:
Feel guilty about what?

Logan:
Movin' on. [he kisses her]

Veronica:
What are we doing? [they giggle]

Logan:
No idea. [resume kissing]

Veronica:
We need to talk about this.

Logan:
I know.

Veronica:
Maybe we should just keep it to ourselves for awhile and see what happens.

Logan:
Meet in mop closets? Pass each other secret notes in the hallway? [pauses] Come on, I'll drive you home on the back streets.

Logan:
I am beyond tardy for my physics class. If I remember right, time travel is not yet possible.

Veronica:
So try petty corruption. Tardy excuse slips, date-stamped, untraceable. [pauses] I know people.

Veronica:
No offense, but you look... odd.

Wallace:
I just watched our parents cuddle on the couch last night. My eyes - they burn.

Veronica:
Any idea what our parents do Mondays and Wednesdays from 6:00 to 10:00 that requires an overnight bag?

Wallace:
As far as I'm concerned, they play bingo at the V.F.W. That's my story. I'm sticking with it.

Keith:
How was school?

Veronica:
You know - mean kids, indifferent teachers, crumbling infrastructure.

Logan:
So, the place is ours. Dad's at class. Trina's at an extremely important purse-store opening in Beverly Hills.

Veronica:
Your Dad is taking classes?

Logan:
Exploring the world outside himself. All part of the new Aaron Echolls. Spanish, ceramics, tae kwon do and today, glassblowing with Silvio Pirelli, master of Old World crystal. [points to glass piece] Nice, huh? Just two lessons.

Veronica:
And he made a bong?

Logan:
An urn for my mom. You know, since there was no body and thus no ashes, he filled it with seawater. Because she jumped into the ocean. Get it? At least it gets him out of the house. [they kiss]

Veronica:
Hey. Do you think this thing... will ever get more normal?

Logan:
What, like, will we ever hang at the mall and hold hands and buy each other teddy bears with hearts that say "I wuv you beary much?"

Veronica:
Yes. Exactly that. Except I want my bear won through some sort of demonstration of ring-tossing ability.

Logan:
Secrets are kinda hot, too. [they kiss]

Logan:
Ah, mass transit. But why take the bus when you can drive your very own rust bucket? I had my dad's driver pick it up. Full of fresh stolen parts, ready to go.

Veronica:
Wow. I'll just try to keep this little gesture in mind this weekend when you and Dick and the Beaver are off getting blasted and scamming cheerleaders.

Logan:
Yeah. Yeah, actually I had to tell Dick I'm not available. Because I have other plans.

Veronica:
There are cheerleaders with low self-esteem available domestically?

Logan:
You do not want to start today with me, Paco.

Weevil:
Are you sure? It was in my day planner under "Goals."

Dick:
Look at that. Beaver's getting all the love, and Dick's flapping out in the breeze.

Luke:
Please. You have like, the hottest girlfriend ever.

Dick:
Much like fake boobs - great to look at, but they don't do as much as you'd like them to.

Veronica:
You can keep asking, but you're not the fairest. Trust me.

Madison:
Well, I can tell you who the pastiest is. What's the deal - can't buy bronzer with food stamps?

Veronica:
You wrote "slut" on my car last year at Shelly's party. Why?

Madison:
Because "whore" had too many letters.

Dick:
[upon seeing Veronica] Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like, some new reality show called My Skank.

Logan:
Goodbye, Dick.

Dick:
What?

Logan:
Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica, you leave. Actually, you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me, so just, like, evaporate or something, I dunno. That's pretty much a general invitation. If you don't like my girlfriend, then start heading towards the big rectangle with the knob.

Logan:
Hey, I have to tell you something.

Veronica:
I'm sorry, we're past the confessional portion of this program. We're on to the make out.

Cliff:
Tell me this is a joke. You want to sue the Kane family?

Keith:
Yes.

Cliff:
Please tell me there's another Kane family in town. Maybe a Boris and Gilda Kane?

Duncan:
So, anyone read the paper today? Garfield - I mean, will he ever learn? Oh yeah, and there was this other thing: I guess Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly. Let's open the floor for discussion on that one.

Lamb:
[tapping finger on table] You said you were in Mexico the day of Lilly's murder. Why?

Logan:
How many episodes of NYPD Blue did you have to watch to get that finger tapping down?

Lamb:
I asked you a question.

Logan:
And I ignored it and moved on. Keep up. [snapping fingers]

Logan:
So I guess we broke up, huh?

Veronica:
What do you want me to say, Logan?

Logan:
"Logan, I'm gonna go home and put my head in the oven because I can't go on living knowing what a heartless bitch I am!" Something like that.

Veronica:
So you're saying you want me dead?

Logan:
Yes.

Veronica:
One word from me and Backup goes for your throat.

Logan:
[scoffs] Is that what you'd do, boy? You'd tear out my throat? [kneels down to dog] Who's a man killer, huh? [Backup kisses Logan] Who's a man killer?

Veronica:
Isn't it better like this?

Lilly:
So much better.

Veronica:
This is how it's supposed to be.

Lilly:
Totally.

Veronica:
This is how it's going to be from now on. Right? Lilly?

Lilly:
[sighs] You know how things are going to be now, don't you? You have to know.

Veronica:
Just like this. Just like this.

Lilly:
Don't forget about me, Veronica.

Veronica:
I could never.