All in the Family, Season 3

Mike:
Would you stand up and cheer if it was me at the door?

Archie:
Well that depends, Meathead, on whether you was coming in or going out.

(looking up the right to bear arms in the U.S. Constitution)

Archie:
It's right there in your Second Ammendment.

Edith:
Oh no, Archie. That's the one that says "Thou shalt not make any graven image."

Archie:
That ain't the Constitution, Edith. What you said is the Gettysburg Address.

Gloria:
Did you know that 65% of the people murdered in this country were killed by handguns?

Archie:
Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?

Mr. Bennett:
So how do you propose to stop people killing people?

Archie:
That's easy, you bring back the death penalty!

Bennett:
(on the phone) Get Johnson in here. I want him to see something before it becomes extinct.

Mike:
Drivers don't mean to kill people.

Archie:
Oh no? You ain't driven a cab yet, bud.

Archie:
(on TV) Now I wanna talk about another thing that's on everybody's mind today and that's your stickups and your skyjackings. Which if that was up to me, I could end the skyjackings tomorrow.

Mike:
(at home) You could?

Archie:
All you gotta do, is arm all your passengers. Your skyjacker knows the passengers are armed, and then he ain't got no more superiorority there, he ain't gonna dare to pull out no rod. And then your airlines, they wouldn't have to search the passengers on the ground no more; they just pass out the pistols at the beginning of the trip, and pick 'em up again at the end. Case closed.

Mike:
I'm tired. I had a rough day.

Archie:
Yeah, what'd you do? Bend your library card?

Mike:
You could never do what I did today.

Archie:
Yeah? What was you doing?

Mike:
Thinking.

Edith:
I don't want you going to jail, Archie.

Archie:
I ain't going to jail!

Edith:
You never could get used to a strange bathroom.

Edith:
Maybe the answer has something to do with people that come back from the hereafter. Like that milk company.

Gloria:
Oh, reincarnation?

Edith:
Yeah!

Barney:
Hey, do you know any Polish jokes?

Archie:
Are you kidding? I got one living in the house with me!

Linda:
Okay, Uncle Archie, you're on my plane. Now pretend you're a gentleman flying first-class.

Mike:
That's going to take a lot of pretending.

Gloria:
Was your father strict with you, I mean, on who you went out with?

Edith:
Oh, yeah. The boy had to be kind, and thoughtful, and a gentleman.

Mike:
How did Archie ever pass that test?

Edith:
Well, Dad died a year before I met Archie.

Archie:
If God had intended white people to dance with coloreds—

Mike:
He'd have given us rhythm, too.

Gloria:
Mr. and Mrs. Rempley. Have I ever met them?

Edith:
No. Neither have I.

Archie:
What's this all about here?

Edith:
Oh, I don't know. I won't know until tomorrow.

Archie:
You know, you better keep a sharp lookout.

Edith:
What for?

Archie:
For the dingbat catcher.

Edith:
Your letter said you was coming tomorrow night.

Ruth Rempley:
I wrote the letter yesterday. So when I said "tomorrow", I meant today.

Edith:
But I read the letter today. And when you read "tomorrow" today, tomorrow is tomorrow.

Ruth Rempley:
We were drowning. Swinging saved us!

Edith:
I think I would rather have drowned.

Archie:
First time in my life, I bowled a 227 game. Now what do you got to say about that?

Edith:
I was arrested.

Archie:
No dice to no psychiatrist!

Mike:
Why not?

Archie:
Anybody that goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined!

Edith:
How was your day?

Mike:
Well, it was rough, ma—

Archie:
Wait a minute, she's asking me about my day, not yours.

Mike:
Since when do you own the day? I had a day, too.

Archie:
She's asking me about my day, right, Edith?

Edith:
Yeah. I was gonna ask you, Mike, but I was asking Archie first. How was your day?

Archie:
I don't wanna talk about it.

Archie:
Lucky me. I got the only Polack who showers regularly.

Mike:
Here's a dime, Arch.

Archie:
Oh, a dime ain't going to pay for all your showers.

Mike:
No, but it'll pay for yours.

Edith:
If it wasn't for his Uncle Alex, Mike would be in Poland right now!

Archie:
Out of respect for the dead, I ain't going to say nothing.

Archie:
They don't like a guy like McGovern who's running around changing his mind all the time. They want a man like Nixon who don't change for nothing!

Mike:
You're right about that, Arch. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.

Mike:
Actually, your father is on his best behavior tonight. He only called me an "unbeautiful thing". Could've called me an "unbeautiful Polack".

Archie:
The night is young, meathead.

Archie:
(regarding Mike's Uncle Casimir) He's got two strikes against him from the start.

Mike:
What do you mean by that?

Archie:
Well, he's Polish, strike one... and, he's Polish, strike two.

Mike:
It's very simple, Mrs. Bunker. I'm an Agnostic.

Edith:
Ohhh... You mean you want a Rabbi?

Archie:
It's worse than that, Edith! I think it means he can't have kids!

Mike:
(to Archie) Whether you like it or not, people do make love every now and then.

Edith:
More then than now.

Edith:
I'm sorry, Archie. I ain't myself today.

Archie:
That might be an improvement, Edith.

Mike:
Doubleheader today, huh, Arch?

Archie:
What do you mean by that?

Mike:
You're going to cheat the insurance company and Ma.

Deliveryman:
Look at this, Angelo. A whole half a buck.

Angelo:
Why don't you tell (Archie) what he can do with it?

Deliveryman:
I'd rather see him do it with the TV set.

Gloria:
(to Mike, about his appendix) If it's gotta go, it's gotta go. Why hang on to something that's useless?

Archie:
That's what I've been asking you ever since you married him.

Gloria:
Michael, that's our money. We each contribute in our own way.

Archie:
That's right. You contribute deposits, he contributes withdrawls.

Edith:
I wonder what they say when they sneeze...

Archie:
Who's that, Edith?

Edith:
The Chinese. I mean, do they say "God bless you" or "Buddha bless you"?

Archie:
You really wanna know, the Chinks just sneeze and say nothing. They can't speak English.

Mike:
Why couldn't they say "Buddha bless you" in Chinese?

Archie:
Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".

Mike:
That's Japanese.

Archie:
Same thing.

Mike:
It's NOT the same thing.

Archie:
You put a Jap and a Chink together, you're going to tell me which is which?

Mike:
That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.

Archie:
Sure, you'd talk to them. You'd say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"

Mike:
I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.

Archie:
Why don't you take a short walk on a long pier?

Mike:
You can't even get THAT right! It's "Why don't you take a LONG walk on a SHORT pier?

Archie:
Then do THAT.

Mike:
C'mon, Archie, two measly dollars. Didn't you ever bet on anything?

Archie:
Yes... I bet that my daughter would marry a human being and lost!

Henry Jefferson:
Bunker, you ain't going to get away with this. You've been cheating us for 400 years!

Archie:
What are you talking about? You've only been on the block for two years.

Henry:
I'm talking about how you white people come to Africa to steal us, and then when you was through stealing us, and when we went around to watch you, you stolen our whole country!

Archie:
I've never even BEEN to Africa!

Henry:
Neither have I, and THAT'S your fault, too!

Archie:
This is one of the greatest days of my life.

Edith:
That's wonderful. What is it?

Archie:
Oh, boy, sensational news. Are you ready?

Edith:
Yeah, I can hardly wait.

Archie:
Remember Hank Phillips from the gas station?

Edith:
Yeah.

Archie:
He's dead.

Edith:
Oh my!

Mike:
A guy dies and you're happy?

Archie:
Will you wait a minute, I didn't say that. I'm only happy because the guy can't bowl no more. That's all. See, I'm waiting six years to get a spot on this special bowling team, and now there's a spot opened up. I'm sorry the guy is dead, but that's life.

Mike:
Arch, it's discrimination keeping out a guy because of what he is.

Archie:
They don't keep nobody out because of what he is. They keep a guy out maybe because of what he ain't. Like, for instance if he ain't a good bowler, he ain't gettin' in—and if he ain't white and Protestant. What could be fairer than that?

Mike:
Letting in anybody in, no matter what color he is, no matter what religion he is. That's what this country is supposed to be about.

Archie:
Get out of here, that's only for the civil service.

(Louise & Lionel are visiting Archie in the hospital)

Mr. Duval:
Archie! Aren't you going to introduce me to your family? Your wife (Louise) looks charming!

Archie:
Jean, listen. Her and me ain't married.

Mr. Duval:
Even better! She gave you a fine-looking son anyway.

Archie:
She never gave me nothing but chicken soup here. Lionel, tell Jean you ain't my son.

Lionel:
Okay, whatever you say, Pop.

Archie:
Where's Gloria?

Mike:
Oh, she said she'd stop by on her way from work.

Archie:
I wish you could say you'd stop by on the way from work.

Mike:
(sarcastic) You know Arch, it's really a thrill visiting you.

Edith:
Everybody has a little trouble seeing the words close-up after they pass a certain age.

Archie:
I told you, it ain't age! It's the ink they use in the newspaper.

Edith:
I've needed glasses for years, and you're older than I am.

Archie:
That's only because I was born first.

Archie:
(to Kelsey) Why don't you go back to bartender's school and take a course in "shut up"?

Archie:
You're Bill Mulherin's kid brother.

Bill:
Better than that, I'm Bill Mulherin.

Archie:
Naaah.

Bill:
I am.

Archie:
You're Bill Mulhe-

Bill:
Uh-huh.

Archie:
Well I'll be, you are. Hey, come over here. How are you. How've you been?

Bill:
Great, great. Just great. Now can I ask you a question?

Archie:
Yeah, sure.

Bill:
Who are you?

Archie:
You don't remember me, Archie Bunker?

Bill:
Archie Bunker? I thought you were dead.

Archie:
How do you do it? How do you stay so young?

Bill:
It's like I told you before, Arch. The secret is up here (pointing to his head). You want to stay young, you think young, and wait until you get a load of the young friend that's meeting me. One look at her and you feel 10 years younger.

Archie:
Oh, you're meetin' a girl in here, huh Bill?

Bill:
When she gets here, call me Brad.

Archie:
Brad? What for?

Bill:
Well, it sounds younger. Bill ain't got no pizazz to it. People start calling you Brad, and you, you feel like a Brad.

Archie:
Your room is still in my house, which means I got the right to search it.

Mike:
(to Gloria) We're living in the Watergate Hotel here.

Mike:
What about your father? How can you trust him again? The next thing you know, he's going to be bugging our bed!

Archie:
The only bug in your bed is when you hop in it!

(Gloria is crying after Mike walks out)

Edith:
He'll be back as soon as he gets over being mad.

Archie:
Yeah, which should be around dinnertime.

Archie:
Wait a minute, where are you going?

Edith:
I'm her mother, that's where I'm going!

(doorbell rings)

Archie:
Ringing the bell on a Sunday, it's a day of rest! Don't people read their Bibles no more? What happened to Christianity anyhow?... Whoever that is, tell them to get the hell outta here!

Edith:
(referring to Mavis Pike) She's a women's lib! It means she's not a "Mrs.", and she's not a "Ms." neither.

Archie:
What does that make her, a near-Ms.?

Mavis:
Edith, I was going to ask you if you've had an interesting life... but he saved me the trouble.

Willie:
Tony Roselli!

Archie:
Huh?

Willie:
Tony Roselli... I never forget a face!

Archie:
You just broke your record.

(demonstrating the new watch's alarm)

Archie:
That's for suppertime, see? And that's the alarm you're gonna hear every night around this time, Edith, to show you that supper should be on the table.

Edith:
Well, suppose I'm in another room and I don't hear it?

Gloria:
Then you'll hear the old alarm, Ma... Edith, get supper on the table!

Edith:
Archie, that sounded just like you!

Archie:
Oh, really? Then why don't it make you move?

Archie:
What the hell am I eating?

Edith:
"Yankee Stew."

Archie:
Well, the Yankees struck out.

Edith:
I saw something about a watch like that on Mannix.

Archie:
Yeah, what?

Edith:
Or was it Let's Make A Deal?

Paul:
I wouldn't have known it from looking at you. You don't look Jewish.

Archie:
There is a good reason for that. I'm not.

Paul:
One day you will find that this (curling Mike's hand into a fist) is the only answer.

Mike:
What I've learned is that "this"...only gets you "this" (holding up the other fist.)

Mike:
(regarding the restaurant) We'd thought you'd like this place.

Archie:
What would make you think that?

Mike:
It's cheap.

Evil Archie:
You dumb meatheaded, unemployed, oversexed pinko Professor of Polack you!

Good Mike:
Those are not very kind things to say. But I'll try to do better.

Evil Mike:
You're saying I'm the one that broke the refrigerator. Well, I'm not the only one who uses it, you know! I'm not the only one who eats around here, you know! We all eat! You eat as much as I do!

Evil Gloria:
Michael's right, daddy. He's right and he's always right! Did you hear me? He's always right!

Good Archie:
Well of course he is, he's a college boy.

Evil Jack:
You best tell the dude this house call's gonna cost him 32 bills, for openers.

Evil Repairman:
And sixteen bucks for every five minutes after the half-hour.

Good Archie:
Very reasonable.

Good Repairman:
Before it broke down, was the light working, Mrs. Bunker?

Edith:
Well, off and on.

Good Repairman:
How do you mean?

Edith:
Well, on when I opened it... and off when I closed it.

Evil Jack:
You know something? You irritate me.

Good" Archie:
Maybe we can sit down and discuss it, and I'll learn how to improve myself.

Mike:
(back in the restraunt) You're crazy! You are crazy! You never talked that rational in your life!

Archie:
I don't talk rational, because I make sense!

Edith:
"Nothing" just came into my mind.

Archie:
It must have felt right at home there.

Archie:
How dare (Mike) calls me a bonehead?

Gloria:
And how did you hear that? Did you have your little ears pressed against the wall?

Archie:
No!

Edith:
He listened with this glass.

Mike:
You!

Archie:
What?

Mike:
YOU!

Archie:
What!

Mike:
GAAAAAAHHHH!

Archie:
(to Edith) He made more sense when he was coming through the glass.

Edith:
Do you think I'm something?

Archie:
You, Edith, are something else.

Archie:
All them old Bible people, they was always eating meat, soon as they found out eating apples was wrong... Goats, lambs—who the hell ever heard of sacrificing a head of lettuce?

Lionel:
Now we've been friends, and we can go on being friends. But when it comes to black, white, and all the other wonderful thoughts you have in between—put a lid on that, Archie.

Henry:
If they want to mix up the races, let 'em. But we're going to keep ours pure! No more of that cream into the coffee!

Henry:
(to Archie) If you don't learn to keep your mouth shut, we ain't never gonna get rid of the pollution!

Edith:
(opening a package of perfume) Chanel No.5! That's their highest number!

Archie:
Take your gorilla. Your gorilla wants his kid to grow up better than him too! But the kid grows up, and there he is, still a gorilla!

Archie:
All I'm saying is that I don't want to discuss no wedding arrangements with a substitute-ski!

Edith:
Gloria... The next time I kiss you, you'll be a married woman. Good-bye, Gloria!

Archie:
(to Edith) How is it always when you do the best thing, it turns out the worst?

Archie:
All them surgeons, they're highway robbers. Why do you think they wear masks when they operate?

Archie:
McKenzie costs more because the best always cost more. That's how you tell what's good in America: it costs more.

Classmate:
GOD, he was beautiful!

Mike:
This is Archie Bunker. And I can honestly say that he is not nor has ever been a member of the Jewish faith.

Mike:
Arch, if I did not know better. I'd swear those were your words coming out of his (Paul's) mouth.

Paul:
We tried but you can't talk to fanatics.

Archie:
Do for your own—take care of your own, that's the rule. That's what we done here today. We took care of our own.

Archie:
God don't make no mistakes, that's how he got to be God.

Archie:
Read your story of Adam & Eve there. They had it pretty soft there in paradise, they didn't have no worries, they didn't even know they was naked! And Eve, she wasn't satisfied with that, see? And one day, against direct orders she made poor Adam eat that apple. God got sore, He told them "Get your clothes on and get the hell outta here."

Edith:
So before you two start saying things to each other that you can never take back, stop. And think how much you really mean to each other.