Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Season 1

Meatwad:
What's wrong with your elbow?

Romulox:
Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry.

Meatwad:
We don't have insurance.

Romulox:
Only two people in the world have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named Bruce Willis.

Carl:
Look at my friggin' car, it's crushed to bejesus and back!

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare!

Steve:
Uh, Dr. Weird —

Dr. Weird:
Behold...

Steve:
I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and ….

Dr. Weird:
The grant?! What is that?!

Steve:
Dyuhhh ….

Dr. Weird:
Shut up. Behold! The Rabbot! [The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]

Steve:
But, Dr. Weird —

Dr. Weird:
Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! [The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume] Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! [The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall] The Rabbot! My creation! [The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]

Dr. Weird:
What has science doooone?

[the Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]

Dr. Weird:
Well uh... Unleash the machanical frog! (The door opens revealing a huge robot frog.

Carl:
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!

Master Shake:
Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'?

Carl:
Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there, Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is crushed...to bajesus and back.

Master Shake:
Have you gotten any estimates?

Carl:
Ah, for the love of--I just found it this way.

Master Shake:
Carl...

Carl:
I just walked out here, for frickin' sake!

Master Shake:
Hey Carl, its okay...it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think...meteors did it! That'll be $20.

Frylock:
Hey, Carl.

Carl:
Great, we got the Fryman up here.

Master Shake:
I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here?

Frylock:
I live here.

Master Shake:
Well, quit hovering. I am the leader!

Frylock:
Man, your car is messed up! How are you going to get to work, Carl?

Carl:
I work out of the home.

Master Shake:
Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20.

Carl:
I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me.

Master Shake:
Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work?

Carl:
I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the Freak Beam!

Master Shake:
Send Carl to the home then!

Frylock:
To the home!

Carl:
STAY OUT OF MY POOL!! [Frylock beams Carl up and drops him flat on his back on his roof] Ow, my hip!

Master Shake:
Okay, that'll be $20.

Frylock:
So, what now, Shake?

Master Shake:
We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool!

Carl:
: OH, NO, DON'T GOT TO MY POOL!!!

Master Shake:
Goin' to the bank!

[in Carl's pool]

Frylock:
This is a fun pool. I do like splashing.

Master Shake:
Yes, playing is for pleasure. We should have a pool. Make us one from the sky. I command it.

Frylock:
[sarcasm] Yeah, yeah, I'll do that.

Master Shake:
Seriously, I do command it

Frylock:
I wonder who killed Carl's car.

Master Shake:
A car cannot be "killed"! It was murdered by someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. JEALOUSY is the motivation!

Schoolly D:
Man everybody know meat don't sleep.

[Meatwad is dancing, before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's boom-box and destroys it.]

Master Shake:
Dancing is forbidden!

Meatwad:
Where are we going?

Master Shake:
Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I NAIL it shut!

Frylock:
The scent seems to be coming from that mall

Master Shake:
I know!

Meatwad:
All right! I want some jeans!

Master Shake:
(pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans!

Master Shake:
How did you get back there?! That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there!

[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]

Meatwad:
Here. Take the Meat Bridge! It's right here!

Master Shake:
Meat Bridge? No.

[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]

Meatwad:
Fine. Don't take the Meat Bridge.

Master Shake:
Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab.

Frylock:
I need to go back to the lab.

Master Shake:
God! That'll take a thousand hours!

Master Shake:
Does it LOOK like I'm OK?! Stand back, and I shall destroy him! SHAKE POWER ACTIVATE! [Shake huffs and puffs and excretes a glob of milkshake onto the road]] Now come over here and slip on it, if you dare, rabbit!

Master Shake:
I have called this meeting to say that downtown is no longer safe.

[Cut to the Rabbot who is still causing havoc in the city]

Master Shake:
So, in short, we need to pick some new restaurants and night clubs.

Carl:
GET OUTTA MY FRICKIN' POOL!

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen! I have created... this thing!

Steve:
What is it?

Dr Weird:
I don't know. Stand over here.

Steve:
Uh, you mean right here? (gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)

Dr. Weird:
It WORKS! I am one can short of a six pack! Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Meatwad:
[in the pool for the first time] Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hasn't happened yet!

Meatwad:
Look, I have a brain! (pause) I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet!

Frylock:
Yeah, man. He took his brain out. It's cool!

Carl:
All right, I'm gonna give this "Rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am goin' down to the store and gettin' a hot-rod magazine, 'cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there!

Flargan:
[looking at Carl through binoculars] Excellent, another victim falls prey to me brilliant e-mail plan. Soon we will have enough treasure to rule all of New Jersey.

Merle:
Flargan, he doesn't really look like he has any money...or a job, or a wallet.

Flargan:
Well I...I'm sure he has some decent tennis shoes.

Merle:
He doesn't even have pockets. Look, he's wearing sweatpants.

Flargan:
Dingle, engage the rainbow machine!

Dingle:
Feet!

[Dingle turns on the machine]

Carl:
Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. :[He gets sucked up in the rainbow, and lands flat on his back in the forest]

Flargan:
Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you!

Carl:
Hey there, where's the gold there?

Flargan:
Flip-flops? What is this!?

Merle:
What did I say? No money, no job, no taste.

Merle:
[upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad] What in the hell is that?! You know this whole plan is attractin' nothin' but a bunch of goobers.

Flargan:
What do their shoes look like?

Merle:
Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes.

Flargan:
It's not just for shoes! It's...it's for...

Merle:
It's for what? This Bananarama tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we, buddy?

Meatwad:
He told me to get in the freezer 'cause there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got mushed up against a chicken.

Master Shake:
Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there.

Meatwad:
Look, a Bananarama tape!

Master Shake:
That's mine! Drop it where you are!

Meatwad:
You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in Sugar-Covered Chocolate Gumdrop Land.

Master Shake:
No way in hell.

Meatwad:
All right! The real rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all!

[a rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]

Master Shake:
Wow!

Carl:
Oh, good.

[Awkward silence.]

Meatwad:
Well, I gotta go...see ya later.

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- (Mothmonsterman flies off) Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back!

Steve:
He has escaped.

Dr. Weird:
Yes, through the hole. [slips and falls] My banana!

Meatwad:
Good morning, Carl!

Carl:
Yeah, it is a good morning there little man...it's three in the morning!!!!!!!!

Carl:
Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off.

Master Shake:
We are truly sorry, Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back?

Carl:
No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways.

Mothmonsterman:
Oh, hey, where you guys been?

Master Shake:
Memphis.

Mothmonsterman:
Really?! That's awesome. How was it?

Master Shake:
Oh, it was very nice. They light up the bridge. We had fried catfish.

Meatwad:
When did you have fried catfish?

[Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad return home to find Carl tied up with silk, hanging from the ceiling]

Frylock:
What have you done with him?

Mothmonsterman:
I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's bein' a baby about it.

Frylock:
You know, we have a cloner.

Mothmonsterman:
Seriously?

[Inside Frylock's office, a timer dings]

Frylock:
Oh, no- the cloner!

Master Shake:
The brownies!

Meatwad:
My brownies!

[Winged monsters, made from a mix of insect and brownie DNA, burst out of Frylock's office]

Master Shake:
Run! To the pool!

[Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad run outside]

Mothmonsterman:
Wait, you have a pool? [Brownie monsters swarm the living room] Oh, my God-

[Out in the backyard]

Frylock:
You put a brownie in my cloning device, didn't you?

Master Shake:
No! Yes. I don't know. Maybe! Look, that was six weeks ago! I locked the door; let 'em just duke it out.

Meatwad':
You didn't lock the door, it was out in the yard...!

[A huge swarm of brownie monsters attacks]

Ignignokt:
(knocks on Carl's door) Hello, Carl. I am Ignignokt, and this is Err.

Err:
I am Err!

Ignignokt:
We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon.

Err:
You said it right!

Ignignokt:
Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours.

Err:
Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?!

Ignignokt:
Some would say that the Earth is our moon.

Err:
We're the moon.

Ignignokt:
But that would belittle the name of our moon... which is the Moon.

Err:
The point is, we're at the center. Not you!

Carl:
No, the real point is: I don't give a damn! (slams door)

Ignignokt:
Your jambox is now his by way of our actions.

Master Shake:
Yes, Meatwad, with actions!

Err:
Shoot him the bird!

Ignignokt:
Yes, give him the finger.

Meatwad:
The finger? Like this? (turns into a hot-dog)

Ignignokt:
No. Not at all like that.

Err:
We smoke as we shoot the bird!

Ignignokt:
You and your "third dimension."

Frylock:
Yeah? What about it?

Ignignokt:
Oh, nothing. It's cute. We have five.

Err:
Th-thousand.

Ignignokt:
Yes, five thousand.

Err:
Don't question it!

Frylock:
Oh yeah? Well, I only see two.

Ignignokt:
Well, that sounds like a personal problem.

Frylock:
I don't think Meatwad should be hanging around with these Moon people.

Master Shake:
I don't think I should be playing with these medium strings. I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash!

Ignignokt:
Using keys to gouge expletives onto another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship.

[Cut to Carl standing outside his house, looking at his vandalized car.]

Carl:
Who did this to my frickin' car!!??

Carl:
So maybe you be a good person to ask who wrote The Moon Rulez #1, on my car, with a key!

Carl:
[Effortlessly dodging the Mooninites' shot] Nice shot there, Brick Out. [Unbeknownst to Carl, the shot rebounds off his house and back towards him] Now I want you jokers out of this- [The shot hits Carl and he phases out as he is transported to the moon] OH GOD! MY BACK! WHOOOAAAA...

[Frylock has blown up the TV with his laser vision]

Ignignokt:
What was that?

Err:
Whoa! Did those just come out of your eyes?

Ignignokt:
They're primitive

Err:
Damn! Those are fast, man!

Ignignokt:
We are not impressed

Err:
Hey, wasn't that cool?

Ignignokt:
[Giving Frylock the finger from space] I hope you can see this because I'm doing it as hard as I can.

Carl:
Oh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep!

Frylock:
Grab my potatoes, Carl!

Carl:
Sure, why not?

Shake:
The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer!

Meatwad:
Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. [saying as he gets into the dryer] Now remember, I like it spicy!

Shake:
Ha ha ha! So stupid!

Meatwad:
Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'?

Schoolly D:
Come on, think about it, Meatwad! It's a dryer, man! Of course it's gonna spin!

Frylock:
Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands!

Carl:
Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals.

Meatwad:
Shake, where is my popsicle?

Shake:
Please, wait a second...

Meatwad:
I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo!

Shake:
This is your memo? (holds up a drawing) I don't even know what this is!

Meatwad:
(zaps Shake) You sicken me with your lies.

Shake:
I'll make you some right away!

Meatwad:
"Make" me some? Please do not insult what little intelligence I have. I need it now.

Shake:
Then I'll go to the store! Please sir!

Meatwad:
Yes you will. Now what is the magic word, bitch?

Shake:
PLEASE, let me go to the store and get popsicles for you! Thank you sire!

Meatwad:
That's right. (releases Shake; Shake runs out the door) You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too, or your fate is sealed!

Meatwad:
Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt.

Master Shake:
Will this hurt 'im?

Frylock:
It shouldn't.

Master Shake:
Then why are we doing it?

Master Shake:
[Chasing Meatwad with pencils] This is for shooting me in the roof and sending me to the store making me call you sire!

Frylock:
Go destroy Balloonenstein!

Meatwad:
Do what now?

Frylock:
Pop the balloon with the glass!

Meatwad:
Yeah, yeah, okay. [long pause] Do what now?

Frylock:
Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head!

Meatwad:
Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't yell at me! [pause] Do what now?

Frylock:
Damn it, he needs his brain. Otherwise he "just gonna float around forever sayin' "Do what now?"

Meatwad:
Do what now?

Master Shake:
Guess what? He's not gettin his brain back, because it is now the nerve center for the city of the future: LAS BRAINGELES!

Meatwad:
(now a 50 foot meatball, speaking in a booming voice) Where are my popsicles?!

Frylock:
Damn!

Master Shake:
(scared) Is that you, God?

Meatwad:
Frylock, get away from the pool.

Frylock:
Aw, hell... (moves away from the pool)

Meatwad:
(leaps into the air) CAN OPENER!!!!!!!!!!!

(Trying to barbecue melons)

Emory:
How do want your melon?

Olgethorpe:
Emory, the melon's on fire!

Emory:
Well of course they're on fire. They're not made to be cooked.

Oglethorpe:
What do you know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't!

Oglethorpe:
I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah!

Emory:
I thought the plan was to barbecue with him.

Oglethorpe:
Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night!

Emory:
Why don't we just...talk to him and stuff?

Oglethorpe:
Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change?

Oglethorpe:
Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there [Points to the melting chamber]...WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID! [begins stomping on the frisbee]

Oglethorpe:
We are on a top secret mission of world domination!

Frylock:
World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O!

Emory:
Hey, is that, like, an important place or something?

Oglethorpe:
[threateningly] Where is it?

[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]

Frylock:
Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here?

Oglethorpe:
Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all!

[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]

Emory:
All right, party time!

Oglethorpe:
Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking!

[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]

Shake:
Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy?

Frylock:
Shake, how did you get in this beam?

Shake:
Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do.

Oglethorpe:
You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet!

Master Shake:
Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine.

Emory:
You really think we need to blow up their planet?

Oglethorpe:
That's what I said, blow it up! Let's blow it up!

Emory:
Alright, fine.

[Oglethorpe pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays again.]

Emory:
...Did it blow up, man?

Frylock:
You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad!

Meatwad:
Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street?

Carl:
(banging on the Aqua Teen's door) Open this damn door now!

Meatwad:
Oh, is he mad? Don't open it.

Carl:
I heard that! Open this door!

[the Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber.]

Emory:
Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on.

Oglethorpe:
Well, it's not! I'm looking right at it and it's not on.

Emory:
Maybe we need the remote.

Oglethorpe:
Well, maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheisskopf!

Emory:
Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em!

Oglethorpe:
NOW, WHERE'S THAT DAMN REMOTE?!?!

[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]

Oglethorpe:
What in the hell was that?!

Emory:
That was the, uh...escape pod.

Oglethorpe:
Damn it!

Oglethorpe:
Stop pressing the buttons in there!

Shake:
This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry!

Oglethorpe:
You will eat what we say!

Emory:
You will eat when we say. That's right.

Frylock:
Uh, Shake...

Shake:
What do you want?

Frylock:
Carl is here...

Shake:
How did you get this--I'm not here!

[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]

Carl:
Oh, you're not there?

Shake:
Hello, Carl.

Carl:
Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!

Shake:
But the grass is gone---

Carl:
Oh yea the grass is gone, just like how your face is gonna be gone after I SHOVE IT IN A PASTRAMI SLICER!!!

[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]

Female Computer Voice:
Welcome to this horse's anus.

Meatwad:
[after Carl's house has burned down] Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug?

Carl:
What's the frickin' point, Meatman?

Meatwad:
So you can give me some money.

[The Plutonians enact a plan to get rid of Shake]

Oglethorpe:
Oh, look over there! One hundred dollars! On the wing of the ship!

Shake:
[Shoves Oglethorpe out of the way] Oh, that's mine! I dropped it! Now where is it again?

Oglethorpe:
Right there. Do you see it? It's there.

Shake:
Why, this could be very dangerous. I...I should go.

Oglethorpe:
Oh, would you? Please save us...from all the money.

[Cut to Shake in a pod in space, looking for the money]

Shake:
Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it!

Oglethorpe:
Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you!

[the ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]

Shake:
Wait! Jackass!

[Carl is holding a tire iron.]

Carl:
Hey, buddy!

Shake:
Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great!

Carl:
Likin' it?

Shake:
Why's your house all curled up?

Carl:
I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that.

Shake:
Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours?

Carl:
Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close.

[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]

Carl:
Taste the chrome!

[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen, be-

Steve:
Uhh, you know, you can just call me Steve. I mean, there's no one else here.

[The creature from the black lagoon suddenly appears behind Steve]

Steve:
Right?

Dr. Weird:
MY MIND!

Frylock:
You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?!

Master Shake:
No.

Frylock:
You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here!

Master Shake:
Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door.

Frylock:
No, no MY ASS, YOU WILL!

Master Shake:
Drape a tarp over it.

Frylock:
Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies!

Meatwad:
What's goin' on?

Master Shake:
Look at this mess! Did you do this? [long pause] Fine, alright!. I'll do it, but it's my decision to do this, I declare it.

Schoolly D:
Yo, man. I think that mold is a-movin'. If it move one more time, I’m gettin' my gat.

Meatwad:
This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewey, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married.

Master Shake:
(angrily enters the house) Where's Meatwad?!

Frylock:
What're you doing with that gutter?

Master Shake:
What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist!

Master Shake:
My telescope! And you've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again?

Meatwad:
This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain.

Master Shake:
He does what?! You've got mental problems. [Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter] Taste the chrome!

Ol' Drippy:
[walking in with the "doll"] What's it taste like?

Master Shake:
Your mother's... [sees Ol' Drippy for the first time] AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!!

Carl:
Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here?

Frylock:
Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store?

Carl:
Uhh...no.

Carl:
You two-timin' bitch!

Carl:
Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat.

Ol' Drippy:
Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that.

[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]

Shake:
[sarcastically] Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, I don't know what came over me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?! I'm apologizing to your best friend in the whole universe!

Frylock:
Shake, what is wrong with you?

Master Shake:
What's wrong with you? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority!

Carl:
[at the door] Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes?

Master Shake:
Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery.

Carl:
The battery?

Master Shake:
Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does.

Carl:
No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open?

Ol' Drippy:
Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say.

Master Shake:
What? I'm a little what?

Carl:
Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. [To Master Shake] And you oughta take lessons from him!

Frylock:
[agreeing with Carl] That's right!

Meatwad:
[agreeing with both Frylock and Carl] Yeah, Shake. That's right!

Master Shake:
Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert.

Meatwad:
Well, get out of here! What are you waiting on? I’m gonna chase you outta here!

Shake:
[Making a post-and-lintel structure out of sofa cushions] That’s good. Okay, that’s all right. That looks good. Hey, who says I couldn’t do this, huh?[Lightning strikes the sofa cushions apart] AAAAHHH! Let me in! Will you let me in, dammit! I mean, guys! Hey-hey! Somebody wanna let me in, please?[Frylock goes to open the door for Shake]

Frylock:
Well, Shake! I thought you moved.

Shake:
What?! I never said that! Who said that!?(He starts coughing)

Ol Drippy:
Oh my. You’re burning up.

Shake:
Yes, I’m very... sick.(He coughs some more)

Ol Drippy:
Frylock, he needs medical help.

Frylock:
He needs an ass-whooping is what he needs.

Ol Drippy:
There’s no time! Here Shake, eat my head!

Shake:
Here! Kiss my ass! Forget about it!!

Ol Drippy:
I’m serious. Coat me with ranch. Chase me with cheese if you must, I don’t care. It’s the only way.

Frylock:
Drippy, don’t! What are you doing?

Meatwad:
Don’t do that, that’s going to hurt you!

Ol Drippy:
I’m saving his life! I’m half penicillin!

Frylock:
Well, I have some penicillin in my lab if that’s what this is all about.

Ol Drippy:
Oh, really? Well then, just give him some of that man, I mean-

Shake:
No, wait. Now, hold on a minute, I- I kind of like the taste of your head. I mean, you said it was the only way, right?(coughs again)

Meatwad:
Where are you going, Drippy? I- I love you!

Ol Drippy:
I'm going away for a while, Meatwad. And I may never come back. But I'll always be here, inside.

Shake:
Yeah, in my stomach, baby.

Ol' Drippy:
Close your eyes, Meatwad. [Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy] AAH!

Shake:
Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma.

[Shake is eating fried chicken in the pool after Drippy got hit by a truck while saving his life]

Shake:
Look...he pushed me.

Fryock:
He pushed you out of the way of that truck.

Shake:
Listen...he's in a better place.

Frylock:
He's in the grill of the truck!

Meatwad:
He was my best friend.

Shake:
Ah, well then you should know something. When he was pushing me...he mentioned something about not liking you.

Frylock:
Ah, man.

Shake:
I clearly heard it.

Meatwad:
Did he really?

Shake:
That stuck out.

Meatwad:
Well...I guess I'll have one of those wings then. Gimme one.

Shake:
[Throws a wing towards Meatwad] Here, fetch.

Meatwad:
Where's the meat?! This is a bone!

Shake:
Go make a doll out of that!

Meatwad:
How am I ever gonna win that ten speed?

Master Shake:
How are you ever gonna ride a ten speed with no frickin' legs?! You're just gonna bust the ass that you don't even have! Who bothered to spawn you...and why?!

Ignignokt:
Fryman, we're full of religion. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious.

Err:
Do it or I'll bow 'em for ya!

[Frylock throws the Mooninites out of the house]

Ignignokt:
You have deeply offended us and our god, and our god is a god of vengeance...and horror

Err:
And action!

Ignignokt:
Our god is an Indian that turns into a wolf

Err:
That's Wolfen, man.

Ignignokt:
Well...the Wolfen will come for you with his razor.

Meatwad:
I do not want to do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten speed and if anybody testifies against me, I'll gouge their eyes out.

Err:
Let's go get drunk and rip off a ten speed!

Meatwad:
Yeah, we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle.

Err:
Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into children and laugh at their parents and then we'll...get on the... ohh man, I'm toasted!

Ignignokt:
The innocent shall suffer... big time.

[Ignignokt shows Carl the Foreigner Belt]

Carl:
Wait a second...is that from the '83 tour? Yeah! I saw those guys in the Meadow Lands with Bryan Adams! That was a kickass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad when they were playing Urgent. Every time I hear Urgent on the radio I think of that girl's boobs and...covered in vomit.

Meatwad:
Oh, yeah baby! That's a neat car she's washin'! You think that's a straight six?

Err:
I think I have a straight six!

Ignignokt:
Ooh, Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless!

Ignignokt:
Torch the dresser, Meatwad.

Meatwad:
But, this is where Carl keeps his clothes.

Ignignokt:
Look, these women don't have any clothes and they're not complaining.

Err:
Yeah, man. They're kissin' each other!

Ignignokt:
And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you?

Meatwad:
Well, I guess so..

Ignignokt:
Your neighbor Carl was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason.

Carl:
I don't need no instructions to know how to rock!

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen, behold! My beautiful fiancée!

Steve:
Uh, I think that's a giant spider.

[MC Pee Pants grabs Dr. Weird and starts to mangle him]

Dr. Weird:
You're right! I've been betrayed! Run!

Frylock:
[listening to Bach] Yeah, now listen to that beat. Now that's a kickin' glissando!

Shake:
I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day!

Carl:
Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy", for a frickin' week?!?!

Frylock:
It was your other neighbor.

Shake:
Meatwad.

Carl:
You know what? At this point, it doesn't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet!

Master Shake:
[notices Carl's mouth is full] What you eating there, Carl? (walks over to him) You gonna show me some love?

Carl:
Jawbreakers. For some reason, I can't get enough of 'em.

Master Shake:
Is that why your teeth are blue?

Carl:
Uh... no.

Master Shake:
Oh. Uh... So, why are you...

Carl:
Shut up. [brief silence, then begins singing] I like candy, bubblegum and ta--DAMN IT!!

Meatwad:
Trick or treat, smell my meat...[Carl shuts the door]] ...Ah, man.

Carl:
[Opens the door] Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'?! It's frickin' May.

Meatwad:
Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to lose some teeth?

Carl:
I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I need candy and I don't know why.

Meatwad:
Shhh... I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he needs it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult... of my maturity... bunnies!

Carl:
Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean, warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off 'em.

Frylock:
You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately.

Shake:
What, you want 'em to stop? (yelling out the front door) Rape, rape, oh rape!

Frylock:
No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight...and they're still doing it?

Shake:
Look, people do things, it's a fact.

Frylock:
Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?!

Master Shake:
Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles.

Carl:
612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Shakers...th-the Gentlemen's Club.

Shake:
I should not walk so a child may live. [pause] That's what it does.

Frylock:
Get up!

Carl:
Why aren't your lips moving?

MC Pee Pants:
Look, my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, okay? You know what I'm sayin'? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much!

Frylock:
You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people—

MC Pee Pants:
No, I love the liquid inside people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater!

[In hell]

MC Pee Pants:
Hey guys. Hey man, who's into rap yo?

Satan:
Now you listen to me scab! We listen to speed metal!

MC Pee Pants:
Hey man it's cool. [Satan blasts MC P Pants with fire] AAAHH!

Satan:
No, it isn't!

Dr Weird:
Gentleman, behold. My time space contin- [freezes]

Steve:
What? [long pause] Uhhh....Dr. Weird? [pushes over Dr. Weird, and he explodes] See you later have a good weekend!

Shake:
[After running over Meatwad's toys with a lawnmower] Hey, your astronauts better watch where they land their ship next time, 'cause they might get overrun by the alien life form, hahaha!

Meatwad:
They don't use ships, they use rocket boots.

Shake:
They don't use nothin' now, do they?

Happy-Time Harry:
No, no I don't have a firearm, I just got these...action bills.

Meatwad:
Frylock, where are the pills?

Frylock:
Pills? What do you need pills for?

Meatwad:
Well, Happy-Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away.

Frylock:
[Writes on a post-it note] Alright Meatwad, this is a prescription from Dr. Frylock for Jolly Sunshine Happiness!

Meatwad:
Oh, you think this is a game?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how's he gonna pay child support then, huh? I'll tell ya, he ain't!

Happy-Time Harry:
Look man, all you had was root beer and triple sec.

Frylock:
I was gonna make margaritas with that!

Happy-Time Harry:
Ah man, you had tequila the whole time?! Well, where the...where is it?

Frylock:
[To Meatwad] Tomorrow I'm getting you a new doll with a sunnier attitude!

Happy-Time Harry:
Hey man, while you're there, you get me that Happy-Time Dialysis Machine.

Frylock:
Dialysis?

Happy-Time Harry:
Yeah. I had half my liver removed and I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do.

Happy-Time Harry:
Go ahead, man. Let's do this thing.

Master Shake:
I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! [With Shake turned away, Harry pours gasoline over himself] Come to the window! Big time fun... you know what I mean?

Happy-Time Harry:
Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT!

Master Shake:
Well.. shoot... I mean I was just going to sort of blow your jaw off with a firecracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray.

[Cut to Meatwad's room]

Happy-Time Harry:
Yo, that milkshake's got no guts, man.

Meatwad:
You know, Happy-Time...Just being around you kinda makes me wanna die...

Jiggle Billy:
So... [dances] we jigglin' or-

Happy-Time Harry:
Hey! Backwoods retard. Not now, not ever!

Jiggle Billy:
Okay! Naptime! [dances]

Happy-Time Harry:
You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just...cut myself. [Chuckles] See how hard I can do it before I just...pass out, man.

Jiggle Billy:
Shoo...well, uhh...commence the jigglin' y'all!

Happy-Time Harry:
Hey, check it out, man. You know why you came in that box, right? That's 'cause someone put you there...to die.

Jiggle Billy:
That ain't true now. I...I got me these night-vision goggles [Puts the goggles on]

Happy-Time Harry:
[Knocks the goggles off] For what? You're a hillbilly! You don't even know who you are, do you? Look at you, you're a clown. You're a joke.

Jiggle Billy:
[Pathetically] I don't know why I have these goggles.

Frylock:
You’re gonna chuck him off a cliff? Shake, we could have chucked him off the roof and stayed at home.

Master Shake:
No, This is a magic cliff here, like in The Highlander. So, you will become The Highlander, and you’ll roam the earth forever, trying to kill yourself, but you wouldn’t be able to, because you’ll be…immortal. Won’t that suck, little man? [laughs]

Meatwad:
Well actually, That sounds kinda cool.

Master Shake:
Yeah, it does.

Meatwad:
Then I’m gonna do it.

Master Shake:
NO, YOU’RE NOT! I’m doing it!

Frylock:
Shake, Wait! The Highlander was just a movie. I mean-

Master Shake:
Oh Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happen in real time.

Meatwad:
So, this cliff is magic?

Master Shake:
Oh yeah, Big time.

Meatwad:
I’m doing it now.

Happy-Time Harry:
No man, Look you gotta be born a Highlander, You can’t just…become one.

Frylock:
See, he saw the movie too.

Meatwad:
You know, that’s right.

Master Shake:
I know, I saw cliffs, Okay. And there’s lots of magic everywhere…And Mel Gibson.

Happy-Time Harry:
Uhh, Braveheart? Hello?

Master Shake:
Oh, You think you’re the expert? Let's see how much your ass know about FLYING! [throws Happy-Time off a cliff.] Yeah! that’s what I’m talking about.

Frylock:
You done? Because that took forever...

Master Shake:
I am-Well I am foreverrr.....I AM IMMORTAL!!!

Frylock:
Shake, No! [Master Shake jumps off the cliff, his straw clinging to a branch]

Master Shake:
Damn branch…Wait! I'm not immortal here, Okay?

Frylock:
Hang on Shake, we'll call for help!

Meatwad:
No, tell him to let go.

Master Shake:
Yeah, Hurry! I think that the branch will hold for... [branch breaks] IT'S NOT HOLDING!!

Frylock:
(Floating in the pool with Meatwad) So, I guess the Highlander comes out of traction today.

Meatwad:
Well, I hoped they fixed his eyes. They got messed up pretty bad in that fall.

Frylock:
Well, the doctors gave him some hard plastic replacements, So don't stare at them, Okay? He’s real self conscious about it.

Meatwad:
Okay.

Shake:
(comes in on wheelchair with large eyes) Alas, I return.

Frylock:
Oh! There you are!

Master Shake:
Where are you?

Meatwad:
Dang! What happened to your eyes?! They look weird.

Frylock:
Shhh!

Shake:
Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!” (Lifts up a sword and lightning strikes it, and then he drops it and falls out of the chair and is set on fire).

Meatwad:
We grillin' tonight.

[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]

Dr. Weird:
Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix!

Steve:
Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix?

Dr. Weird:
Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe!

Oglethorpe:
Look at it [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool.

Master Shake:
Look at him and tell me there's a God.

Meatwad:
He made me in His own image.

Master Shake:
Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Meatwad:
He is.

Master Shake:
Does he stink like you do?

Meatwad:
Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. [pause] With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ...

Emory:
Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]?

Oglethorpe:
I'm starting to.

Emory:
And how annoying he was.

Oglethorpe:
Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines!

Emory:
So, uh, what were we gonna do with him?

Ogletorpe:
...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night!

Emory:
But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night.

Oglethorpe:
Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser!

Shake:
You know, I know you from somewere.

Oglethorpe:
He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room!

Emory:
Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that.

Frylock:
Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare.

Meatwad:
But, look at him.

Major Shake:
No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous.

Meatwad:
No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here.

Oglethorpe:
Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings!

[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]

Oglethorpe:
You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half!

[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]

Master Shake:
Yelloo?

Oglethorpe:
The laser rings!

Master Shake:
Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights.

Emory:
No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him.

Oglethorpe:
Don't listen to him, for he is a witch!

Oglethorpe:
Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet.

Emory:
Or is that not possible.

Major Shake:
Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan?

Oglethorpe:
Well, one of them. We have many plans.

Major Shake:
Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is.

Oglethorpe:
Look, settle down. It's all cool.

Major Shake:
No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Frylock:
Did they not see us sitting here?

Major Shake:
No, I'm sure it'll come to them.

(On the ship)

Oglethorpe:
Oh, damn it!

Emory:
What?

Oglethorpe:
That was that man, the fry-man!

Meatwad:
So, is he like replicating it?

Frylock:
No, he's hotwiring it.

Meatwad:
Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock?

Frylock:
Yeah it sure is Meatwad...

Meatwad:
Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly.

Frylock:
Shut up, Damn!

Frylock:
So, did they, um … ever find your car?

Carl:
Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a trestle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at?

Frylock:
Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon.

Carl:
Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course.

Frylock:
He was … seriously.

Carl:
I hate you!

Emory:
So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner?

Oglethorpe:
We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus.

[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]

Oglethorpe:
Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use?

Shake:
Meatwad, get in this bag!

Frylock:
What?!

Shake:
What? I got airholes... it's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat.

[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]

Shake:
Now you stay in that bag!

Meatwad:
So is this where the camp is?

Shake:
Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay?

Meatwad:
Smells like vomit.

Shake:
Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you right back home if you talk and you'll never learn RAM!

Meatwad:
Okay Shake, see you in a week.

Shake:
Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell!

Meatwad:
Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs?

Randy:
Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words.

Meatwad:
...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now?

Randy:
GROW INTO A MOUNTAIN DAMNIT! Terrify me!

Meatwad:
Now see, I don't do that but I can do this (turns into a hotdog) and this. (turns into a igloo) Ta-da!

Randy:
Ripped off again.

Carl:
Hey, where's Meat Mountain there?

Frylock:
You mean Meatwad.

Carl:
Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night.

Shake:
Okay, I'm gonna go.

Frylock:
You're not going anywhere Shake.

Carl:
Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im.

Frylock:
My goodness! Where was this?!

Carl:
The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place.

Frylock:
Uh, no, I don't know Carl.

Carl:
Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh!

Frylock:
I don't think so Carl.

Carl:
What, you gay?

Frylock:
You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?!

Shake:
Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have.

Frylock:
How much, Shake?

Shake:
Two.

Frylock:
Two? Two what?

Shake:
Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that?

[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]

Shake:
Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?!

Carl:
Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on!

Frylock:
Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this.

Carl:
Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?!

Carl:
Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers?

Randy:
Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself.

Carl:
Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car!

Meatwad:
Randy, he [Shake] ain't from space.

Randy:
Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter.

Meatwad:
You never told me that.

Randy:
See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by infiltrating your gene pool, know what I mean? [chuckles] Know what I mean?

Meatwad:
No

Randy:
Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar.

Meatwad:
Which bar?

Meatwad:
Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different.

Randy:
Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be.

Meatwad:
...Whatever.

[Shake comes disguised As Meatwad]

Shake:
Hey, look at me! I'm stupid as hell, I can't even breathe properly, let alone read! What's that?

Randy:
And now.. the Amazing Arctic Igloo!

Shake:
What?!

Frylock:
Yeah, turn into that Igloo!

Carl:
Take your top off!!

Frylock:
Carl...

Randy:
Yeah..so..where is that, Milkshake?

Shake:
Well I uh.. (takes off his costume and shows it's really him in disguise with hair under his eyes) Look it's the Amazing Milkshake with the Bearded Eyes!!

Meatwad:
And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp.

Frylock:
Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again?

Meatwad:
Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days.

Shake:
Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious.

Meatwad:
...You're joking, right?

Shake:
No, I'm not.

Meatwad:
...NOOOOOOOOO!!!

[Mummy is yelling in the basement]

Frylock:
Shake? [Yelling Continues] Shake! Turn those damn monster movies down-- [Notices nobody in the living room] Shake?

[Master Shake and Meatwad enter living room]

Master Shake:
Who's watching my TV? Because I...

Meatwad:
I bought the damn TV!

Frylock:
Will you two shut up and listen? [Yelling Continues] It sounds like it's coming from the floor.

Master Shake:
[beats the floor with a broomstick] Will you SHUT UP?! You hear me?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I need to sleep! [Frylock knocks him out with chloroform]

Meatwad:
Hey, can I have some of that?

Frylock:
Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning.

Meatwad:
Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tomorrow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. [Frylock prepares a dose of chloroform] And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha-- oh. [Knocked out by chloroform]

Meatwad:
No, here's a better idea: Hell no.

Meatwad:
Why does he get a lobster?

Frylock:
'Cause he's the mummy, damn it! Now shut up!

Master Shake:
Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep. [Notices the mummy] Whose mummy?

Frylock:
I found it in the crawlspace.

Master Shake:
So you were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh?

[Mummy giggles]

Master Shake:
Shake, you don't wanna piss him off. He has the power to curse you.

Meatwad:
Do it, Shake. Piss him off.

Master Shake:
I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and no mummy— you hear me, Band-Aid...

Meatwad:
Here it comes.

Master Shake:
No mummy is gonna tell me what to do.

Mummy:
Curse! Curse!! CURSE!!!

Meatwad:
Oh, damn.

Master Shake:
You done? We all done...

Mummy:
CURSE!!!

Master Shake:
Now are you done?

Mummy:
Yes.

Master Shake:
Cause I'm done listening to you. I got a curse for you. It's called, "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed!

Mummy:
Curse.

Master Shake:
I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse!

Frylock:
Shake, I think he may have cursed you.

Master Shake:
(sarcastically) Oh, je-ya think? Cuz, I mean, he only said it about a thousand times!

Frylock:
(reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wives tale. The real curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying Mummies for Dummies.

Carl:
[Wearing the Mummy's Hat] I'm the King! King Carl!

Mummy:
[Yelling in the Background]

Carl:
[Mimicing Egyptian Music] Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler!

Mummy:
CURSE! CUUURSE!

Carl:
Huh hun huh hee, yeah [Mummy continuing to yell] SHUT UP!

Meatwad:
Shoot, I'm so dumb as hell I'll never get hired in today's fast-paced world. I'm just gonna go inside and wait for my body to die.

Schoolly D:
[Narrating] Aw, c'mon Meatwad, you can't be that dumb.

[Pan to Meatwad inside Carl's bedroom]

Meatwad:
What, is this not my room?

Carl:
What do you think?

Meatwad:
......Yes?

[Carl throws Meatwad out the window]

Schoolly D:
Well, damn. Maybe Meatwad is that dumb.

Meatwad:
Wait a second. This ain't no brain, this is a damn bee's nest.

Meatwad:
A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast.

Frylock:
Twice as fast at what?

Meatwad:
Information.

Meatwad:
[Reading from "The Tiniest Bullfrog"] Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team.

Meatwad:
One look at Niels Bohr's atomic model makes it abundantly clear that there is a way to pass through solid matter. So in summation, we can have our daily tea-party in the fifth dimension.

Frylock:
Knock-knock. Well, I hope I'm--OH MY GOD!

[Meatwad is about 10-15 times his usual size]

Meatwad:
Frylock, what a pleasant surprise. I'm just finishing up my symposium. You've met my colleagues, Professor Vanessa and Dr. Dewey.

Frylock:
Yeah, what happened to your body, man?!

Meatwad:
Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Thermal expansion.

Frylock:
No, it's not thermal expansion. I know what thermal expansion is.

Meatwad:
Okay, fine, I'm sure that you do. Let's see.. how can I explain this without blowing your mind.

Frylock:
Oh yes, please. Dumb it down for me.

Meatwad:
Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle tells us that at a specific curvature of space, knowledge can be transferred into energy--

Frylock:
Heisenburg's Uncertainty--!

Meatwad:
...and this is key now...matter.

Frylock:
No it does not!

Meatwad:
Well, some people struggle with Heisenburg. [pulls out a yo-yo] Look, here's a toy. It goes up and down on a string. Doesn't that look like fun?

Frylock:
[knocks yo-yo away] Get that out of my face!

Meatwad:
Why don't you take that into the other room while the adults are doing important research here.

Frylock:
Oh, I'm sorry Professor! I didn't realize knowledge could also transform you into an arrogant ass!

Meatwad:
[levitating a boy in a car with his mind] Quiet! I need complete concentration or the child will die.

[Carl's car crashes on his roof]

Carl:
Ohh, do not tell me that that is my car up there on the roof!

Meatwad:
Okay, we won't.

Carl:
Get it down!

Meatwad:
Okay.

Carl:
Wait, wait no don't! [car crashes to the ground] DAMMIT!

Dr Weird:
(his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice) GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON!

Steve:
Okay. (pushes a button to pump Dr Weird's head)

Dr Weird (head gets bigger and bigger) TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

Master Shake:
Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. Ever.

Meatwad:
I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth.

Master Shake:
Well, I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because...I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em.

Meatwad:
If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em.

Shake:
Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy (pause), and Metallica.

Meatwad:
And Justin Timberlake. [Shake ignores him] Do a search for Justin Timberlake. [Shake continues to ignore him] ... J-U-S--

Shake:
Please hush up. The search needs complete silence to work.

Meatwad:
Oh shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry.

Master Shake:
Well, I'm sorry, but if you can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat!

[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]

Master Shake:
All right, okay. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe...

[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Master Shake]

Master Shake:
...when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth.

[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]

Master Shake:
I would think one or the other would be enough.

Meatwad:
All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day!

Master Shake:
Are you kidding?! With APR like that I could just die!

Shake:
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was in the Supreme frickin' Court here!

Meatwad:
Yeah. Neither did I.

Shake:
Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?!

Master Shake:
Is it hot, girl-on-girl action?

Www.yzzerdd.com:
It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1!

Carl:
[appears on a monitor] Hello there, Internet Cyberville. Hey, if your watching this right now, I'm running outta oxygen and I seriously need to get to my bathroom, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING BLOCKED BY SOME STUPID ASS HIT-THE-MONKEY THING! [pop-up falls on Carl's fingers cutting them] Oh god!

Master Shake:
Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that don't have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha-ha!

Www.yzzerdd.com:
But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin.

Frylock:
Decorate this! [uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]

Www.yzzerdd.com:
Okay, okay, okay, okay! Fine! Fine. Don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche.

Www.yzzerdd.com:
And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account. Because banks don't care. It's not their money.

Meatwad:
I'm tired of livin' in this tree, now. How long till we gonna go home?

Frylock:
Two more weeks.

Meatwad:
TWO MORE WEEKS?!

Frylock:
Shut up and eat your squirrel meat!

Shake:
Squirrel meat, bleh.

[Pop up ads begin to appear as the Www.yzzerdd.com cackles in the background]

Shake:
What? I got wireless. What? [An ad hits Shake]

Shake:
Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger!

Frylock:
Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life!

Shake:
Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you?

Frylock:
You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?!

Shake:
Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone!

Shake:
Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters.

Frylock:
But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake?

Shake:
That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work.

Frylock:
Oh, I damn sure better not find that up there!

Master Shake:
Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it.

[Frylock flies to the roof.]

Frylock:
[yelling] Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here!

Meatwad:
I have some parents, Frylock?

Frylock:
Hell no, you don't have any damn parents!

Captain:
This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender.

Meatwad:
Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my Captain EO out of the gutter.

Frylock:
There ain't nothin' down here but tar and a condom wrapper! This is gross!

Captain:
All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or...

Meatwad:
What does that mean?

Frylock:
It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now.

Captain:
Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy.

Captain:
Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him.

Meatwad:
Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain!

Frylock:
No, you don't.

Shake:
Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever!

Romulox:
Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look?

Shake:
I don't know, which one would you do?

Frylock:
Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list—

Meatwad:
Here.

Frylock:
…and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing.

Meatwad:
No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer.

Frylock:
You want a hair dryer?

Meatwad:
Yeah.

Frylock:
For what? You don't have any-

Meatwad:
Keep reading, next to the hair dryer.

Frylock:
This—this is a squiggle.

Meatwad:
No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it.

Carl:
Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here?

Master Shake:
Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such.

Carl:
Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal.

Master Shake:
Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around.

Carl:
Well, I guess that makes sense, you know.

Master Shake:
Look merry, dammit!

Meatwad:
Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?!

Frylock:
It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa.

Meatwad:
Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault.

Frylock:
Where do you get this information?

Meatwad:
Regis.

[on a ladder]

Carl:
Look, would you just hold it with your hands?!

Master Shake:
I can do two things at the same time, chubby.

Carl:
No, ya can't!

Master Shake:
[reading a magazine to himself] Huey Lewis making a comeback!

[Carl has broken his neck.]

Carl:
Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here!

Master Shake:
Yeah, I know you do.

[Master Shake walks away.]

Carl:
Get back here!

Master Shake:
Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year.

Frylock:
What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook.

Master Shake:
"Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please.

Frylock:
"Co-"?

Master Shake:
Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner."

Frylock:
You're depraved.

Master Shake:
Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish.

Meatwad:
Carl should remember the reason for the season.

Master Shake:
The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program.

Carl:
Get with what program, Cup?

Carl:
Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall?

Frylock:
What's wrong, Carl?

Carl:
Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something!

Schoolly D:
Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers.

Carl:
Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married.

Meatwad:
Oh Good!

Master Shake:
Yeah, brotha!

Carl:
Let's get married, yeah!

[at Carl's house]

Frylock:
And do you, Svetlana... what does this say?

Carl:
Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right.

Frylock:
Svetlana Smith take Carl...

Carl:
Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters.

Frylock:
...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband...

Master Shake:
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Frylock:
...to honor...

Master Shake:
Back up! Rewind!

Frylock:
...take Carl, and Master Shake...

Master Shake:
That's more like it.

Frylock:
to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live.

Svetlana:
[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]

Carl:
Alright, yeah!

Master Shake:
Alright, score!

Carl:
Sweet nectar!

Frylock:
Okay, now shove the ring under the door.

Master Shake:
No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that.

Frylock:
How can you not have a ring?

Master Shake:
No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up.

Carl:
He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle.

Frylock:
By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door.

Master Shake:
Blow it open Frylock.

Carl:
Do it!

Svetlana:
[speaking Russian; escapes]

Carl:
Svetlana, baby?

Master Shake:
Great! Great!

Carl:
Oh Man! She got the car.

Meatwad:
Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know.

George:
Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski!

Carl:
It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here!

Master Shake:
No way, you are staying! We got him til two.

Cybernetic Ghost:
Now in the future, the past has occurred.

Carl:
You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right?

Cybernetic Ghost:
That is correct.

Carl:
Okay, well... I mean, you know that it's February...right?

Cybernetic Ghost:
[pause] I am a robot.

Carl:
Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid?

Cybernetic Ghost:
[stutters] I will see you in December, tomorrow!

Carl:
Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way-

Cybernetic Ghost:
[breaks through the wall] Do what?

Carl:
Nevermind, just leave!

[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in 1968]

Carl:
[opening his present] Oh boy, oh boy, I hope this is a new mommy!

Carl's Dad:
Yeah, it's not. Unwrap it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour.

Carl:
What is this, da– is this carpet, daddy?

Carl's Dad:
Carpet? No. It's berber; that's an industry term.

Carl:
Hey, it's like a flyin' magic carpet here! Look at this, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland!

Carl's Dad:
[cuts Carl off] Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner.

Carl:
[looking worried] Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy.

Carl's Dad:
No, of course you can't, like that. You gotta boil it, so the glue gets soft, ya know.:[looks at his watch] Oh jeez, look at the time!

Carl:
But it's Christmas, Daddy!

Carl's Dad:
You're not getting out of this! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled a lot of strings to get them to hire an 8-year-old!

Carl:
[crying and muttering to himself] Don't make me go! I don't wanna make insulation!

Carl's Dad:
C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!

Carl:
OH GOD!

[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]

Cybernetic Ghost:
You remember that Christmas, don't you?

Carl:
Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots.

Cybernetic Ghost:
And that is where babies come from... for machines.

Meatwad:
Boy, that's some story. That... kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other... and, you know, physically...

Cybernetic Ghost:
No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange.

Carl:
(after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something!

Frylock:
Wait, wait... who unionized?

Cybernetic Ghost:
Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama.

Meatwad:
Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?!

Frylock:
It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull.

Cybernetic Ghost:
You don't believe?

Frylock:
Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever–

Cybernetic Ghost:
Was an ape. Now he is a machine!

Meatwad:
I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!!

Cybernetic Ghost:
No man, he's an ape. [They look at him questioningly] I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose!

Frylock:
But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands.

Cybernetic Ghost:
Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation.

Frylock:
Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was?

Cybernetic Ghost:
[Fog rolls in] Thousands of years ago-

Frylock:
Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood!

Cybernetic Ghost:
I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting.

Frylock:
You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting".

Cybernetic Ghost:
Oh, I didn't? [pause] Thousands of years ago...

Master Shake:
I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off.

Carl:
All right, fine, we'll do that.

Meatwad:
And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless ….

Cybernetic Ghost:
Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space.

Carl:
I'll do it. What do I do?

Cybernetic Ghost:
You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape.

Carl:
Okay … how much?

Cybernetic Ghost:
Sexually.

Carl:
… wonderful.

Carl:
What did you say your name was again?

Glenn Danzig:
Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls?

Carl:
Lemme go talk to my blood guy over here.

Cybernetic Ghost:
I don't see why not.

Carl:
That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap--

Glenn Danzig:
How much you want?

Carl:
Oh, I dunno...a million?

Glenn Danzig:
Killer. Draft the check tomorrow.

Carl:
You're serious--THANK YOU GOD!!

Glenn Danzig:
Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fuckin' house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother--

Master Shake:
Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you!

Glenn Danzig:
You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fuckin' skull! Verstandlich?!! [Glenn walks away]

Master Shake:
Ok. So... thank you

Meatwad:
[To Cybernetic Ghost] Hey you come out now. He's gone.

Cybernetic Ghost:
(about Danzig) I cannot live with that guy. He is so annoying, he is so frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt.

Master Shake:
You make our house bleed right now!