Archer, Season 5

Sterling Archer:
[To Lana] But the point is we are highly trained covert operatives who am extremely dangerous set of skills. [To Pam] PAM! LEG!. [Back To Lana] Since the government has unjustly accused us of treason. We are now forced to transfer those skills from Espionage to criminal activity. Kind of like the A-Team but we sell drugs.

Malory:
Amphetamines?!

Pam:
Right? And I know it sounds crazy, but I like them as much as cocaine!

Krieger:
[seeing the Yakuza at the door on a monitor] Hey, so, did somebody order Chinese?

Malory They're Japanese, you idiot!

Krieger:
[to his virtual girlfriend] Oh, for... I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede! Either time that happened!

Malory:
Well, what did he say?

Pam:
Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not gonna be playing the violin any time soon.

Archer:
Because?

Pam:
Because a violin would probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in.

Everyone else:
Ew!

Lana:
But if all Moto wants is his drugs...

Malory:
Then he can give us a refund.

Lana:
Of worthless counterfeit money?

Cyril:
It's not exactly worthless. The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar for it.

Malory:
What?! Why didn't you say that?!

Cyril:
Uh, I don't know. I assumed you knew.

Ron:
Everybody knows that.

Cheryl:
$1 million! Yes, real dollars. Duh, look at my house. I bet I got rugs worth a... Ugh! Fine, $2 million. Okay, $5 million. Fine, $10 million! $50 million! A jillion million! Jesus! Be more gross and Chinese-y!

[Hangs up. Archer plays the Price Is Right losing horn on his phone]

Archer:
Been waiting forever to use that.

Lana:
Okay, listen up, there are way too many windows and doors to cover, so we need to concentrate on chokepoints. [Cheryl excitedly laughs] Not that kind of chokepoints.

Malory:
[handing Ron a rifle] Here.

Ron:
Noop

Malory:
What do you mean, "noop"? Take it!

Ron:
Woman, I am not getting in a shootout with the goddamn Yakuza because you people decided to steal their drugs!

Malory:
Well, I support you in your work! Not that you ever do any, but...

Ron:
If you were honest with yourself, you would realize I have been incredibly supportive of you! Get arrested for treason, I stand by you; become a drug dealer, I stand by you. Oh-oh-oh! And you don't seem to mind driving around in a new Cadillac, do you?

Malory:
A floor model.

Ron:
Next time, remind me to get shot in the head.

Archer:
Ron, next time, get shot in the head.

Lana:
What are you eating?

Pam:
Yogurt.

Malory:
[snatching spoon] Give me that! Lick it.

Archer:
Well, can't unhear that. [Takes lick from spoon] Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?

Lana:
How have you never tried yogurt?

Archer:
Mmm, I didn't know it was that good.

Malory:
It's good because it's cocaine!

Archer:
Oh, my God, and little kids eat it?

Cheryl:
[as Pam carries her off] This is only somewhat like that old Gypsy woman said!

Cyril:
How do you not know the different kinds of porn?

Archer:
Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing and a sock

Cyril:
What do crocodiles eat?

Archer:
EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!

Archer:
Goddammit, how are we not doing "phrasing"?!

Pam:
Yeah, they're shooting at you!

Archer:
Who?

Cheryl:
The storm ninjas!

Archer:
What? That's not a thing, idiot! [beat] Oh. I stand corrected.

Lana:
Son of a...bitches, I am pregnant!

Cyril:
Yes! Who could forget, with the bastard spawn of a total stranger.

Lana:
Okay, first of all... [flashbang lands near Cyril] Cover your eyes and ears!

Cyril:
You're not the boss of me! [flashbang goes off] Meep? Meep?

Archer:
Well, he died doing what he loved...getting shot.

FBI Agent:
Uh, sir? It's like you said. He's dug in there like a tick and...

Krieger:
Never! You'll never take me alive!

Agent Holly:
[sighs] Okay, breach it.

FBI Agent:
Roger that. [detonates breaching charge]

Krieger:
On second thought, I very much prefer to be taken alive. Just let me clear the ol' browser history and—no, no, no, no, n— [agents choke-tackle him] OOF! Oh, come on!

Ray:
I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of the KGB for like 30 years.

Cheryl:
Yeah, until he got blown up. Which was actually my fault.

Cyril:
Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg who then became the new head of the KGB.

Krieger:
Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts. And a corpse.

Cyril:
Oh, Jesus I forgot about the...

Cheryl:
Giant pot farm in West Virginia.

Pam:
And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.

Ray:
Irish mob.

Cheryl:
Piracy.

Cyril:
White slavery.

Pam:
No, actual piracy. With, like, boats.

Krieger:
Is it murder if they were my own clones? [beat] I'm seriously asking.

Krieger:
Defiling a corpse.

Cyril:
Defiling a different corpse.

Pam:
Kidnapping the Pope...

Cheryl:
[laughs] Faking my own kidnapping! Arson...

Pam:
Bum fights! You know like when you pay bums to...

Cyril:
Destroy an oil pipeline in...

Cheryl:
I wanna say Burt Reynolds!

Cyril:
Turkmenistan?

Archer:
Archer Vice.

Lana:
What?

Archer:
Nothing. Shut up.

Lana:
What's in Miami?

Malory:
Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth?

Archer:
That sounds high.

Lana:
[to Archer] If anything goes wrong, I'm holding you responsible.

Archer:
[sarcastically] Yeah, that'll teach me.

Malory:
[Dismissively] Metric. Who uses metric?

Lana:
Every single country on the planet except for us, Liberia, and Burma.

[After Lana knock down a biker at the "Now leaving Texarkana" sign]

Lana:
[Laughing] Yeah, bitch! That's how I— [Seeing Archer and Pam] Ohh, shit!

[Cherlene screams, Lana breaks]

Archer:
Even a goddamn baby knows, in craps you never bet on the hard way! [Pam slap Archer who sees the bus about to hit them] OHHHHHHHHHHHH—

Lana, Cyril, Cherlene, and Malory:
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—

[The bus runs over Archer's car which spins, while Cherlene's bus crashes into a hill]

Pam:
You mad?

Archer:
Give you three guesses, Pam!

Pam:
No...? No...? No!

Archer:
Wrong, Pam!

Archer:
Cyril, shut your pout-hole, accept that Lana was so far out of your league that impregnating her would've basically been interspecies breeding, and get on with your life!

Archer:
No, Kenny Loggins! Nothing can make up for almost killing me over a briefcase of what I can only assume is either plutonium or a human soul!

[Before they sing a duet of Danger Zone]

Cherlene:
It's in D-minor. Do you know what that is? Or even what chords are?

Kenny Loggins:
[sigh] Yes.

Cherlene:
Wow, snotty. OK, fine. So during the boring parts, just scream "Outlaw Country".

Kenny Loggins:
Absolutely not.

Archer:
It's time to gather some intel.

Ray:
Intel? No, do not compare what we do now to intelligence work.

Archer:
Don't worry, I won't. Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really compare to helping overthrow democratically elected governments. Like the U.S. did in Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua, uh... oh, Iran! Because, spoiler alert, those didn't really work out so great! But that's OK, because I'm pinning my hopes for the future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that ragtag bunch of mujaheddin heroes in Afghanistan!

Cyril:
Why are you so afraid of crocodiles?

Archer:
Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T Extinction.

Cyril:
The...?

Archer:
Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of coldblooded fury with a bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...

Ray:
[Interrupts, breaking into song] Waiting for the Night!

Archer:
Lana, in case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.

Pam:
And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise the strip in the bed of their Monster truck with a big rebel flag on it, flinging empty longnecks at people!

Lana:
Yeah, those aren't actually the good kind either.

Pam:
Now who's racist?!

Archer:
Those guys, Pam. Those exact same guys you just described.

Lana:
This is how you steal a painting. Did you never see The Thomas Crown Affair?

Archer:
No. Not a huge Steve McQueen fan.

Lana:
[Laughs] Oh, my God, are you... Archer, you used to moan about him in your sleep!

Archer:
I... I... No, I didn't.

Lana:
I just this second realised why you want to stay down here! Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.

Malory:
Is that a reference I should get, or...

Lana:
Seriously?

Malory:
Well I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.

Lana:
It's from... No, y'know what, never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine.

Cyril:
Hey.

Cherlene:
But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.

Pam:
Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.

Lana:
What?

Cyril:
Hey.

Malory:
Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.

Lana:
It cannot possibly!

Archer:
Where did you get that?!

Cherlene:
Let's just say I honestly don't remember.

Archer:
[To Caldarone] Did you ever think maybe your fleet of priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a rebellion?

Caldarone:
I'm fighting the rebels because that is what we do. My Father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels.

Cherlene:
So like a family business.

Archer:
That manufactures oppression!

Caldarone:
Well, and cocaine.

[looking at a tiger in the zoo]

Archer:
They should have sent a poet. Oh, and some meat. Do we have any meat?

Caldarone:
[An elephant trumpets offscreen] Literally tons.

Archer:
No, I didn't mean another animal. I meant like a steak.

Caldarone:
Typical American! You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in nice plastic wrap.

Archer:
Yeah, you're describing meat.

Caldarone:
No, no, no. Meat is blood and bones and sinew.

Archer:
Well, now you're describing not-meat.

Caldarone:
Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat. Because God made him the boss and all the other animals his food.

[The tiger roars]

Archer:
[to tiger] Hang on, buddy. [To Caldarone] And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in defense of totalitarianism! But I'm not feeding Shane an elephant.

Julianna:
You are not robbing my palace!

Malory:
Oh yes, we are. And if you've got any sense, you'll fill your pockets too. Because your regime is officially over. I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar and this is how it ends. In the trunk of a taxi to the airport, your belly full of diamonds and vodka, praying your driver doesn't rat you out to the Reds at the last checkpoint. Because then the last thing you'll ever hear, besides a pistol cocking behind your head, is Ivan's laugh... [Pam starts laughing] What in the name of God is funny?!

Pam:
You said you'd seen cooze!

Cherlene:
[Picks up M16] Private Me, reporting for Sploosh.

Krieger:
[on the nerve gas] Come on, you don't want a thing like that falling into the wrong hands. The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing.

Malory:
Said the clone of Adolf Hitler.

Krieger:
Well... Edmund Burke, but... doesn't matter who.

Lana:
Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?

Archer:
[laughs] Um... uh, vaguely.

Lana:
Okay, well, we all thought you were gonna die. And one night you got really drunk and we almost had sex, and right before you passed out, you told me Malory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like "huh, weird." And then you didn't die, [Archer starts zoning out into a gradually increasing high-pitched tone] and a few years went by and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single and all the other stuff aside, physically you're an amazing human being. And all the other other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample sitting there at Dr. Feldman's, whose security system is a JOKE, by the way, and so I guess it maybe wasn't the most ethical thing I've ever done in my entire life.... Uhhh... Archer? ...Archer? ...Archer?

[Archer snaps out of it]

Archer:
What's that?! Wait, wait... huh? What?!

Lana:
You okay?

Archer:
Yeah, sorry. For a second I thought I was just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago. [Archer takes a drink] Lana? Am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?

Lana:
No.

Archer:
Hmm. Lana? Am I just NOW coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?

Lana:
No.

Archer:
Then, what are you... [Archer looks at the baby] Baby, what is she saying? Baby? Baby?! Baby?!?! [Baby holds up a finger as she nurses on Lana] M-meep...

Lana:
Sterling Archer...

Archer:
...Meep.

Lana:
...I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abbiejean.