Batman: The Animated Series, Season 1

Dr. March:
You donate a few million, and you think you own the place. I understand I'm to analyze something for you?

Bruce Wayne:
Yeah, doc. See, I keep hearing squeaks in my chimney, and I found these in my empty fireplace. They look like hairs. I thought maybe you could tell me if I have a bat problem.

Dr. March:
And what if they are bats, Mr. Wayne? What then? Destroy them like insects? We won't survive the next evolutionary cataclysm, but bats will! They're survivors, Mr. Wayne, not pests! You should understand that!

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
[enters laboratory upon hearing noises] Who's back there? [Spots Batman] YOU!

Batman:
I'm looking for Dr. March.

Langstrom He's not here, Batman.

Batman:
Where is he?

Langstrom:
Giving a lecture on human extinction and bat evolution, he's really quite brilliant.

Batman:
He's misguided, and a thief. [Holds up a vial of the serum]

Langstrom:
He's just a theorist, he was afraid to put it to the test. But I wasn't. I knew he'd discovered a formula to create a totally new species, neither man nor bat. And once I started taking it, I couldn't stop. I desperately wanted to, but it took over. Francine and March tried to protect me, but it was too late. The beast knew what chemicals were needed to bring itself about! It was out of my control! And it only needs one more component to complete the process - [voice lowering] it's in ME, Batman! [Laughs maniacally and begins to change into Man-Bat]

[the Arkham Asylum inmates practice signing Jingle Bells as other inmates set up a giant Christmas tree]

Joker:
Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! [gets a tree-topper and climbs to install it] The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay! [attaches the ornament and the Christmas Tree ignites, revealed as a rocket. Joker clambers at it launches] Crashing through the roof! In a one-horse-open tree! Busting out I go! Laughing all the WHEEEEE! [the "rocket-tree" flies off into the distance as he sings]

[At the Christmas with the Joker show]

Joker:
Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.

Laugh track:
Yea!

Joker:
And since I don't have one of my own...

Laugh track:
Aww...

Joker:
I decided to STEAL one!

Laugh track:
Yea!

Joker:
And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family! [lights turn on and reveal Gordon, Summer, and Bullock tied up and gagged] Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?

Batman:
[watching in the Batmobile] It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker:
Meet Daddy Lawful! [ungags Gordon]

Commissioner Gordon:
You diseased maniac! I'll- [Joker gags him again]

Joker:
Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful! [ungags Summer]

Summer Gleason:
Help! Somebody please help us- [Joker gags her again]

Joker:
Ho ho ho, isn't she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! [ungags Bullock]

Detective Bullock:
When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your- [Joker gags him again]

Joker:
I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them... [points to clock showing 10:30PM] if he can find them by midnight! Otherwise... [makes a throat-slashing motion and laughs]

[Bruce is introduced to Dr. Long and he offers a handshake]

Dr. Long:
[looks at hand and pouts off] Your father and I attended university together. He had big plans for you.

Bruce Wayne:
Well, I guess he'd be pleased. Wayne Industries is more prosperous than ever.

Dr. Long:
Pleased? When your father was alive, Wayne was a name that commanded great respect. Now all Wayne stands for is a self-centered jet-setting playboy. It's lucky your father didn't live to see what you've done to his good name. He'd have died of shame.

[Batman has been exposed to Scarecrow's fear toxin]

Thomas Wayne:
Bruce...

Batman:
No... not now...

Thomas Wayne:
You are a disgrace! [turns into the Grim Reaper]

Batman:
No... You are NOT my father. I am NOT a disgrace! I am vengeance, I am the night. I...AM...BATMAN!

Summer Gleeson:
I'm here in Downtown Gotham where corporate CEOs have gone stark, raving mad. It would appear that the collapse of the stock market is now imminent. The question is: Will April Fools' Day mark the end of Gotham City as we know it?

Joker:
The only things gaining now are the laughing stocks! [laughs]

Batman:
Justice WILL be served, Joker.

Joker:
Service with a smile? [He tosses a razor card at Batman. Batman dodges it just in time.]

Batman:
Clean up your act, Joker.

Joker:
Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke!

Dent:
So, what do you think?

Bruce:
Does she have a sister?

Dent:
Nope. Pam's one of a kind. That's why I asked her to marry me.

Bruce:
[spits out his water upon hearing this] WHAT?!

Dent:
Yup, that's the page one headline. Hey... is it starting to get warm?

Bruce:
You're still flushed from that last kiss. Harvey, you just met her last week!

Dent:
And I already know she's the one. Gosh, it's hot in here...

Bruce:
Marriage is a major step, Harvs. Don't you think you're rushing it?

Dent:
No way. The moment I laid eyes on Pam, her love hit me right in the face. [falls right into the food he ordered]

Bruce:
[laughs] Harvey, you've lost your mind. Knock it off. [sees him unresponsive] Harvs? Harvey! [Later sees Harvey carried into an ambulance and climbs inside] Hang on, Harvey. Hang on.

Poison Ivy:
[chuckles] Batman! A late night rendezvous? To what do I owe the honor?

Batman:
Harvey Dent!

Poison Ivy:
Oh, the poor district attorney. I hear he's not expected to live. Oh, it's so sad... [feigns crying, which quickly turns to insane laughter]

Batman:
Why, Poison Ivy?

Poison Ivy:
Oh, please, call me Poison Ivy. You see, Harvey had to pay for his crime.

Batman:
What crime?

Poison Ivy:
Why, murder, of course! Plowing up a field of beautiful wildflowers for that silly penitentiary of his. This little rose would be extinct today if I hadn't saved my precious from those horrible bulldozers! The blood of those flowers are on his hands! [calms down after her tantrum] So his fate was sealed [applies lipstick] ...with a kiss. And now, so is yours. [Ivy's plant holds Batman still as she kisses him; he tries to spit away the poison] Oh, what's wrong? Afraid I have cooties? [laughs] Oh, now you've gone and hurt my feelings. Too bad. I was going to share the antidote with you. [opens a bottle and waves it under his nose] Lovely fragrance, don't you think? [applies a drop to her face] I call it "Rose From the Dead".

Batman:
I don't pass sentence. That's for the courts to decide. But this time - this time - I am sorely tempted to do the job myself!

The Sewer King:
Lesson number one is - NOOOOO TAAAALKING!

Batman:
Are you alright?

[Machine gun bullets hit around Batman and Officer Montoya, causing both of them to duck]

Officer Montoya:
Dandy.

Batman:
Then don't go away.

Officer Montoya:
[Batman leaves as more machine gun bullets hit. Montoya stays down] Count on it.

Hackle:
What collar? She's suspended!

Commissioner Gordon:
This farce has gone far enough, Hackle! We apprehended the suspects and recovered our money. The investigation is closed![shoves Hackle aside and hands Officer Montoya back her badge] Officer Montoya earned this collar.

Officer Montoya:
[declines badge] The collar belongs to all three of us, Commissioner. [Gordon returns all three confiscated badges; Montoya accepts hers and hands Wilkes back his badge]

Patrolman Wilkes:
Thank you so much, partner!

Officer Montoya:
[overhears Det. Bullock muttering] What was that, Bullock?

Detective Bullock:
[gets badge] Thanks a lot, Montoya.

Bruce:
What is this?

Smith:
If it's moving, it's a rat. If it isn't, it's a cooked rat.

Alfred:
[Alfred flies the Batwing to the tracking device's location] This must be the place! Bring us down!

Batwing Computer:
Negative.

Alfred:
[pressing buttons madly] But Master Bruce is down there! We HAVE to land!

Computer:
Impossible. Area too confined.

Alfred:
[pounds the console] Land, you bucket of bolts!

Computer:
Your funeral.

Alfred:
Oh, dear...! [The Batwing flies down abruptly. Bruce, escaping the mine, sees the Batwing fly over]

Bruce:
[Smiles] Son of a gun!

[The Batwing reaches a flat area near Bruce and lands. The cockpit opens.]

Computer:
Watch your step.

Alfred:
[tumbles out, dazed] I-I-I claim this land... for Spain. [collapses]

Summer Gleason:
[on TV, reporting about the Mayor's missing son] The Mayor declined, however, to confirm that his son Jordan was missing.

Jekko:
Missing?

Jordan:
It's me, Jekko. I ran away.

Jekko:
You did WHAT?!?

Jordan:
I want to be a magician, like you.

Jekko:
Why, you... [laughs] Well, kid, you got step one right! Come on in. I've been thinking about a protege.

[Batman is trapped inside a tank filled with water, having removed a straitjacket and leg restraints]

Jordan:
He can't get out! What's the trick?

Jekko:
That's just it! THERE IS NO TRICK!

Jordan:
No! He'll drown! [Jordan grabs an axe and strikes the side of the tank to try and free Batman, Joker takes the axe away]

Jekko/Joker:
That's why they call it a finale! [discards his Jekko the Clown mask] Now sit down and enjoy the show!

[Dent's raid on Thorne has been aborted by the judge due to supposed lack of reliable evidence]

Dent:
No! NO! I SPENT THREE MONTHS ON THAT RAID! He can't overturn! The fool! HE'S BEEN BOUGHT! LIKE ALL THE REST!

Bruce Wayne:
[tries to restrain him] Harvey, please try to calm down. This sort of behavior doesn't run well with the voters-

Dent:
LET GO OF ME, YOU RICH TWIT!

Rupert Thorne:
[Reading Harvey's file] Listen to this boys. Says here that when Harvey was a little boy, he was bothered by a bully. Everyday the bully would bug him after school, until one day little Harvey got so mad, he slugged him one.

Thorne's Thugs:
Oooh.

Rupert Thorne:
Of course, the bully ran away, which made little Harvey very proud. Until he heard that the bully was in the hospital.

Candace:
That was some punch.

Rupert Thorne:
[chuckles] That's what Harvey thought. Except the guy was in the hospital for appendicitis. [chuckles again] But poor Harvey felt so guilty, he never showed his anger again. And that was the start of Big Bad Harv.

Dent:
What do you want?

Rupert Thorne:
Just a few favors from the D.A.'s office.

Dent:
You're dreaming.

Rupert Thorne:
Otherwise, as a concerned citizen, I'd be compelled to give this to the press. After all, the people of Gotham have a right to know the kind of person... or should I say "persons", they've elected. So, what do you say, Harvey? Do we have a deal?

[Harvey's face has contorted in building rage the entire time, but suddenly relaxes into deceptive docility]

Dent:
There's just one problem...

Rupert Thorne:
What's that?

Dent:
[in Big Bad Harv's voice] You're talking to the wrong Harvey.

[Bruce Wayne is having a nightmare]

Bruce Wayne:
Harvey please, let me help you!

Harvey Dent:
You?! You saw what was happening! You knew that something was terribly wrong with me! I thought you were my friend! You should have been able to help me - but you didn't! [Harvey turns around, now transmuted into Two-Face]

Two-Face:
NOW LOOK AT ME!

Bruce Wayne:
But I tried, Harvey. I... Harvey!

Two-Face:
[Falling from a bridge to his death] Why couldn't you save me?!

[Two-Face vanishes, and is replaced by Thomas and Martha Wayne]

Thomas Wayne:
Why couldn't you save us, son?

[Bruce wakes up, sweating. He then turns to a photo of Two-Face from a newspaper]

Bruce Wayne:
What are you dreaming tonight, Harvey? Peaceful dreams? Nightmares? Maybe both at once. Sleep well, my friend. Whether you are, whatever you've become... I will save you. I swear.

Father Michael Stromwell:
Arnold? That's one soul I wish I could give up on.

Arnold Stromwell:
I don't need your help!

Michael Stromwell:
Is that a fact? An empire crumbling? A marriage shattered? A son lost? Sure, you're doing fine.

Mrs. Grant:
You're not trying to make gunpowder again, are you?

Sherman:
No, Mom! Honest!

Roberta:
We just saved Batman's life, Mrs. Grant, and now we're hiding him from some bad criminals.

Mrs. Grant:
That's good, just don't make a mess.

Sherman:
Mom, this is Batman. Batman, this is my mother.

Batman:
Ma'am.

Mrs. Grant:
Oh... hello.

Sherman:
Say, Batman, you wouldn't happen to be single, would you?

[Batman infiltrates an office in GothCorp headquarters and sees a file with a videotape and medical records of a woman named Nora Fries. He plays the tape on a nearby VCR]

Victor Fries:
[on the tape] My name is Doctor Victor Fries. I am recording what I pray would be mankind's first step toward immortality. [camera pans to a large machine with a glass capsule and a woman inside it] Behind me, you see the CC-100, a cryogenic freezing chamber of my own design. I created it for the express purpose of freezing subjects stricken with inoperable ailments. Subjects like... my own beloved wife, Nora. Once a remedy has been found-- [reacts to a loud banging on the door]

Ferris Boyle:
[Behind the door] Open this door! Open it now! [A security guard kicks the door down, Ferris and another guard step into the room. Boyle confronts Fries angrily.] Get away from that equipment! [Orders his guards] Shut this stuff down.

Fries:
[Panicked] Stop! This is my experiment!

Boyle:
Your unauthorized experiment. I ordered funding suspended weeks ago! I'm already three million in debt thanks to you!

Fries:
You can't stop it now! My wife is in there!

Boyle:
So bring her out!

Fries:
You can't interrupt the process now!

Boyle:
[to guard] Open it.

Fries:
[desperately holds on to Boyle] It's her only chance!

Boyle:
[shrugs off Fries] This is my equipment! MINE! I have every legal right to use it or not use it as I see fit. I say this project ends now!

Fries:
[grabs pistol from security guard and aims it at Ferris] NO! Stay away from her, murderer!

Boyle:
Victor... I'm sorry... I lost my temper. It doesn't have to come to this. We can talk! [Fries calms down and Boyle kicks him into a table of cryonic chemicals. Victor screams in pain as the cloud of volatile chemicals engulf him. Boyle steps away in fear and runs out of the room with his guards] Get out. Get out!

Fries:
[Clinging to his freezing chamber, screaming through the glass] Nora! NORA...! [passes out. The tape ends]

Batman:
[Horrified] My God!

[A voice rings out--it's Mr Freeze, who just snuck in the room]

Mr. Freeze:
Yes. It would move me to tears if I still had tears to shed. [freezes Batman with his cryo-gun]

[Mr. Freeze raids the award ceremony and confronts Ferris Boyle, who is receiving a humanitarian award]

Mr. Freeze:
The cold eyes of vengeance are upon you, Boyle.

Ferris Boyle:
Who...who are you?

Mr. Freeze:
Come, now. Surely you remember your old colleague... Victor Fries.

[Mr. Freeze aims and fires his freezing gun at Boyle's feet, ice slowly covering up his legs to his waist]

Boyle:
[cries in pain] NO! No...! Stop... please... I... b-beg you! [Mr. Freeze stops his freezing gun for a moment of clarity]

Mr. Freeze:
You... beg? In my nightmares I see my Nora behind the glass, begging to me with frozen eyes. How I've longed to see that look frozen on you.

[Batman batarangs Mr Freeze's cryo-gun and attacks him. Mr Freeze overpowers Batman and throws him off]

Mr. Freeze:
The advanced circuitry that powers my suit also triples my strength! [engages Batman, and lifts him off the ground] Sooner or later, all who stand in my way must feel the icy touch of death!

[Mr Freeze is about to kill Batman, but collapses when Batman smashes his glass helmet with a thermos full of chicken soup]

Summer Gleeson:
What was that stuff?

Batman:
The only way to fight a cold.

Mr Freeze:
[as his suit falters] It can't end this way... Vengeance...

Batman:
No, justice. A year ago, Ferris Boyle interrupted an experiment, and in the process destroyed two lives. [gives Summer Gleeson the tape he found] Here's the evidence. [walks to a still shivering Boyle; he sneers at Boyle with disgust] Good night, humanitarian! [walks off]

Stern:
Now if you'll excuse me, I've given you all the time I can spare.

Selina Kyle:
You'll find more time for me, Mr. Stern. Before I'm through, I'll have every environmental group and animal rights activist breathing down your neck. They'll be looking at you and your project so closely, you'll feel like a bug in a bell-jar.

Batman:
You're late.

Mob Boss:
Can't you walk up to someone normal-like?

Batman:
I hear you have some information.

Mob Boss:
Under one condition: Lay off the South Side.

Batman:
Keep this up, and I'll be on you from all sides. North, south, east, and west.

Batman:
Red Claw? A woman?

Red Claw:
Do you have a problem with that, Batman?

Batman:
Not at all. I'm an equal opportunity crime fighter!

Batman:
I didn't want you taken away like a common criminal.

Catwoman:
So you do care.

Batman:
[handcuffing her] More than you'll ever know.

Lloyd Ventrix:
See you 'round, Batman! Too bad you can't say the same!

Batman:
Ventrix, the suit! It's poison!

Ventrix:
So what if it is?! I don't care! As long as I have it, I can take my daughter back whenever I want! Her mother won't stop me, AND NEITHER WILL YOU!

[At a video shop, Bruce Wayne asks for Gray Ghost films]

Bruce Wayne:
I'd like the Gray Ghost.

Store Clerk:
[smirks and walks away] Hmm. Name something else.

Wayne:
You said you had everything.

Store Clerk:
Except the Gray Ghost! Nobody has it! The studio that made the show, Spectra? It burned down 20 years ago. The negatives all went up like kindling, real shame.

Wayne:
So the Gray Ghost doesn't exist?

Clerk:
Not anymore. Sorry, pal.

Simon Trent:
[Hands Batman a film reel with the key the mystery] Here's your answer, take it and go!

Batman:
I used to admire what the Gray Ghost stood for...

Simon Trent:
I'm not the Gray Ghost!

Batman:
[coldly] I can see that now.

[At the launch of the Gray Ghost videos]

Bruce:
Could you make this out to 'Bruce'?

Gray Ghost:
[signing autograph] Here you are, Bruce.

Bruce:
Thanks. As a kid, I used to watch you with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.

Gray Ghost:
[realizing] Really...

Bruce:
[smiling] And he still is.

Nostromos:
I predict... you and I are about to become rich as pigs!

Lucas:
No one could've predicted Batman would spot me. Not even the great Nostromos. Besides, how do you know Wayne survived?

Nostromos:
The news said he got off the elevator right before it fell, you pathetic amateur!

Lucas:
Well, you didn't predict he would die, exactly...

[About Matt Hagen's repeated use of "Renuyu" to restore his disfigured face]

Teddy Lupus:
You can't go on like this, Matt. You hurt all the time now.

Matt Hagen:
[irritated] You're just my stand-in, Lupus. Nobody promoted you to nursemaid!

Lupus:
That stuff makes your face like putty, Matt; it can't be good for ya.

Hagen:
It probably ain't good for me. But unless I only want to do horror pictures, it ain't bad for me either.

Batman:
Listen up, scumwad, 'cause I'm only gonna ask you once. Who was Lucius Fox meeting at the tram?

Raymond Bell:
Wayne... Bruce Wayne!

Batman:
You lying sleaze! You wanna rethink that answer?

Matt Hagen:
[testing his new shapeshifting powers] The formula must have soaked every cell in my body.

Teddy Lupus:
It's.... It's some kind of miracle! [sees Matt change back into Clayface] Wha... What are you doing?

Clayface:
No. No! You broke my concentration! It won't work, don't you see?! It's too hard! It's like tensing a muscle - I can't keep it up for long! MY CAREER, MY LIFE - IT IS GONE! AND I CAN NEVER GET IT BACK! [In his rage, Clayface destroys several things in the trailer] I'm not an actor anymore! I'm not even... a man! [Sobs softly]

[Roland Daggett is at a talk show talking about Renuyu facial cream and the host entertains audience questions]

Woman:
I'd like to ask Mr. Daggett about the rumors I've heard. I hear he's selling Renuyu through direct marketing because stores won't carry it due to its harmful side effects.

Roland Daggett:
Well that's, uh, absolutely untrue-

Woman:
[stands up and approaches him] What about the addictive properties of Renuyu, Mr. Daggett? Once you're hooked, you can't stop using it without horrible...pain!

Daggett:
No! I mean... That's just not so!

Woman:
Why don't you show them what an overdose can do, Daggett?! Why don't you tell them [voices goes deeper] about ME?! [transforms into Clayface]

Joker:
[tosses two pennies on the ground] There's your two cents. Now, what are you going to do to me?

Charlie:
Listen.... I... O'm sorry, really! I.... I had a bad day. Boss turned down my raise, and...

Joker:
Now look, my rude friend! We can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It's simply not polite! [jumps down and grabs him] I'm just going to have to teach you some manners. [reaches into his coat]

Charlie:
Please don't! I have a family, a wife, a little boy! Please! I'll do anything to make it up! Anything!

Joker:
Anything, says you? [Charlie nods; Joker releases him] Okee-dokee! Wallet.

Charlie:
Uh, okay. I don't have much cash.

Joker:
Oh, please! Don't insult me! [takes out driver's license] Charles Michael Collins. That's you! Tsk tsk, lousy picture, though. Lousy! Address, height, weight, blah blah blah. [tosses the wallet back and keeps the license] Righty-o, Chuckers! Here's the deal. I'll let you off if you promise to do a little favor for me.

Charlie:
Okay. What?

Joker:
I DON'T KNOW! I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT YET! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life, and when I need you, I'll call. Fair? Good? Great! I'll be in touch. [walks away, laughing maniacally]

Charlie:
Hello?

Joker:
Hello, Charlie.

Charlie:
Wrong number, pal. My name is Don.

Joker:
Oh, no, no, no. This IS the right number, Charles Michael Collins. Oh, I don't know why you changed your name to Don Wallace and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane, Springdale, Ohio. One might think you were trying to skip out on our little deal. [to Harley Quinn] Leave the sideburns.

Charlie:
Uh... how did you find me?

Joker:
Oh, I never lost you, Chaz. You've become my... HOBBY!! [laughs maniacally] Now, listen up, Charlie Brown. You're booked on the next flight to Gotham. Tell the family you have to visit a sick friend. Oh, and let's keep this to ourselves, 'kay? Bad things happen to people who gossip, capisce, Carlo? [Charlie looks out the window to see Joker's henchmen pull up to his house]

Charlie:
Yeah...

Joker:
Good! See ya!

Joker:
You miserable little nobody! If I get caught, your wife and son are history!

Charlie:
You're not getting caught. Not this time. I found this blown out of the van.

[He pulls one of the Joker's bombs from his jacket, and the Joker looks shocked and afraid]

Charlie:
This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes, no grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow, all the papers will say is that the great Joker was found blown to bits in an alley, alongside a "miserable little nobody"! [chuckles] Kinda funny. Ironic, really. See? I can destroy a man's dreams too! And that's really the only dream you've got, isn't it?!

Joker:
[still scared] Look, Charlie, you've had a busy day! All this running around, all this excitement with... [yelling out desperately] BATMAN! Stop! You... you're crazy!

Charlie:
I had a good teacher! [chuckles] Say goodnight, Gracie!

Joker:
[terrified, trying to crawl away] NO! BATMAN! BATMAN! [sees Batman in the shadows, and gasps with relief and annoyance] How long have you been there?!

Batman:
Long enough. Put it down, Charlie.

Charlie:
You know he'll just escape again! This is the only way my family stays safe!

Joker:
All right, you win! Take it easy! [surrenders his notebook to Batman] Here's everything on his blasted family - names, addresses, it's all there! You're no fun anymore, Charlie.

Charlie:
Hey, Joker! [throws the bomb at the Joker, who cowers behind Batman - only for the "bomb" to release harmless confetti] Gotcha!

[Batman lets out a short laugh]

Joker:
[dryly] Oh, very funny. A million laughs.

Batman:
Here's how it works, slimeball. I have questions, and if you have answers, I'll leave you alone.

Rupert Thorne:
Oh, I have plenty of answers... thirty-eight caliber answers. Now then, you were saying?

Batman:
[Using Thorne as a shield] I was saying, you'd better hope your men are very good shots. It's too hot in here. Let's get some air.

Killer Croc:
Terrific. Just what I need now. The freak job in the cape.

Batman:
You're no prize yourself.

Killer Croc:
[strangling Batman] What can I tell you now? Being a reptile man ain't pretty... but it's got its upside. Like having the strength of a crocodile, for instance. But I guess you've learned that by now, huh? [forcing Batman into the water] The hard way. You know they used to call "Killer Croc" the meanest dude in the Wrestling Federation. Now they'll call him the guy who iced the Batman.

Batman:
[flip-kicks Killer Croc really hard and gets out of the water] Don't hold your breath.

Mr. Lucky:
Lost? You have that bewildered look, but your sort always does.

Thug:
[grabs him threateningly] I ain't lost. I'm lookin' for you! I wanna know how come you always win, Mr. Lucky.

Mr. Lucky:
It's quite simple, actually. I fix the games.

Thug:
You can't fix all those sports. Nobody can!

Mr. Lucky:
Oh, ye of little brain, allow me to illustrate. [hands the thug an envelope laced in fear toxin] Here. You can read, can't you?

Thug:
[reads it] "Boo!" Hey, is this some kinda joke?

Mr. Lucky:
It's no joke, I assure you. It's the fear of victory, and the agony of... [The Thug pulls Mr. Lucky out of the shadows, revealing his true identity] the Scarecrow!

[The thug gasps in fear, now a victim of his toxin]

Scarecrow:
So now you understand Step One in how I fix an athletic contest. [Scarecrow comes closer to the thug, causing him to fall into some stacks of hay] I shall proceed to Step Two! [chuckles evilly]

Thug:
No! NO! GET AWAY!

Batman:
Say, change of luck, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow:
YOU!

Batman:
You're aware that gambling is illegal in Gotham?

Scarecrow:
I need the money, Batman! You know the cost of chemicals these days. And it will take much more than this to bring every single pathetic person in Gotham to their knees kissing my feet! [reveals a vial of his fear chemical and dangles it above the crowd]

Fugate:
(after judgment has been passed) No! You can't! I'll be ruined!

Judge:
Then perhaps this will teach you to be on time for a change.

Batman:
What kind of a saboteur uses a six-thousand dollar Metronex to set a time bomb?

Alfred:
A saboteur with too much money?

Batman:
Hold it!

Fugate:
Well, well. The Batman. It's about time you showed up! I suppose you want to know why I've brought Downtown Gotham to a standstill, Batman. Hm? Well, let's just say it's because I'm a civic minded citizen with a lot of time on his hands.

Batman:
I want some answers, wise guy. Talk!

Fugate:
A pity, I don't know what to tell you, Batman, except perhaps that the 9:15 is always six minutes early.

(He falls off the building and lands safely on the roof of an oncoming train as it speeds away)

[Mayor Hill is tied to the hands of a huge clock]

Clock King:
Comfortable, Hill? Well you won't be for long! At 3:15 on the dot, those hands will come together and you'll be crushed like an insect. 3:15, Hill. Does that time hold any meaning for you?

Mayor Hill:
I don't know what you're talking about!

Clock King:
You told me to take my coffee break at 3:15.

Mayor Hill:
What?!

Clock King:
You don't remember?! My court date!!

Mayor Hill:
[finally realizing] Oh my Lord! The lawsuit! Fugate! I swear I was only trying to help!

Clock King:
Don't hand me that! You did it on purpose! The plaintiffs were represented by your law firm, Mr. Mayor!

Mayor Hill:
But I had nothing to do with that case, Fugate!

Clock King:
(To Hill) Not that it matters anymore. Now that you have an appointment to keep, at 3:15 precisely—with the Grim Reaper! [Fugate begins laughing maniacally]

Batman:
I'm here to clean your clock, Fugate.

Fugate:
Don't count on it, Batman. When it comes to clocks, I am king. En garde!

Batman:
Stop this, Fugate! Hill committed no crime against you!

Temple Fugate:
He did worse than that! He made me late!

Batman:
Fugate! You can't escape!

Clock King:
Au contraire, Batman. You of all people should know there's always a way out!

(Fugate begins laughing maniacally as a huge clock wheel falls on him, sending him to his apparent death)

Bruce Wayne:
Roland Daggett's up to something, Alfred.

Alfred:
That almost goes without saying, doesn't it, sir?

Dr. Leslie Thompkins:
This used to be a beautiful street. Good people lived here once.

Batman:
[placing two roses on the ground] Good people still live in Crime Alley.

Jervis Tetch:
[Discussing the subject of Alice to his lab rats.] Of course, intellectually I know it's wrong. After all, she has a boyfriend. Better to withdraw like a gentleman- forget her, turn my heart to other pursuits. [Brief pause] NEVER! After all, I've created a chip strong enough to control a human brain! It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love ME! But...that would reduce her to a soulless shell. No...not my Alice.

[Batman has cornered Jervis Tetch, who just subdued Alice with her mindcontrol card and is at a dinner table with him]

Jervis Tetch/Mad Hatter:
I'll cut that cowl off your neck before you'll take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!

Batman:
Then all you've waited for is a puppet. A soulless little doll.

Mad Hatter:
It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her!

Batman:
"There's always time to heal", the doctor told me, but he was wrong. There was no time left. Not for me, not for him, and not for Gotham City. And as long as I remained trapped in Arkham, there was nothing I could do, except wait for the end and remember the beginning.

Scarecrow:
An entire city, screaming in fear... I wonder if we'll be able to hear it...

Mrs. Thomas:
You wicked, evil-

Poison Ivy:
Evil, Mrs. Thomas? I don't control a company that leveled a thousand-year-old forest for a strip mine! THAT'S evil! [sprays a gas which causes Mrs. Thomas to become petrified; steals a pair of earrings] You and your kind owe Mother Nature a big debt, and I am here to make sure you pay up.

Poison Ivy:
Right now, the bark is merely exoskeletal. It will take months of additional spraying before the transformations become irreversible. But, of course, I have the patience of a redwood.

Batman:
[snarling] And the convictions of a fanatic!

Poison Ivy:
Well, if you're not going to be part of the solution, you're obviously part of the problem. Ladies?

[Ivy's henchwomen begin to spray Batman with the growth formula]

Poison Ivy:
This spray is triple-strength, Batman! It will start the transformation without any preliminaries! [Nothing seems to happen to Batman as he unties his hands] He should be sprouting leaves by now!

Batman:
[Unties his hands and stands up, blocking the spray with his cape as he advances] You made your secret too accessible, Ivy! I coated my outfit with a herbicidal antidote!

Poison Ivy:
Keep spraying! [Violet and Lily back away, still spraying, but Batman subdues them both]

Bruce Wayne:
[Looking down off the ledge, preparing to jump] You're wrong! There IS a way out!

Mad Hatter:
Now, now wait just a minute! You don't want to do anything foolish! This isn't an ordinary dream! What if you're wrong?!

Bruce Wayne:
THEN I'LL SEE YOU IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!

Batman:
WHY? Why did you do it?!

Mad Hatter:
You, of all people, have the GALL to ask me that? You RUINED MY LIFE! I was willing to give you WHATEVER life you wanted, JUST TO KEEP YOU OUT OF MINE!

Commissioner Gordon:
Look up "slippery" in the dictionary and you get Josiah Wormwood.

Batman:
[About the Bat-Signal] Got a new toy, I see.

Gordon:
I figured it might come in handy.

[Robin and Batman are doing a stakeout]

Robin:
If I knew it was going to take THIS long, I would've brought my homework. You sure about this extortion ring?

Batman:
[Looking at the construction site through binoculars] Uh-huh.

Robin:
It's been four hours.

Batman:
Uh-huh.

Robin:
You still think they'll show?

Batman:
Uh-huh.

Robin:
Lucky for me, you're such a good conversationalist.

Batman:
If you protect him, Stromwell, I'll be very... GRUMPY. You don't want to see me when I'm grumpy.

Tony Zucco:
I'm not back in town five minutes - FIVE MINUTES - and he's on my tail. You don't know the Bat. He don't let up! He's the dark angel of death, man, and he wants ME!

Mick:
... Why you, boss?

Zucco:
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?!

[Robin is about to throw Tony Zucco off the pier]

Tony Zucco:
No, don't! Please...

Batman:
Robin! Enough. [limps towards him] You can't let your emotions get the best of you.

Robin:
Stuff your advice, Batman! You and your stone-cold heart! You don't know how I feel. HOW COULD YOU?!? [Batman looks at him, and Robin realizes what he said] Batman, I didn't mean to... I'm sorry. [after he sees the police coming, Robin seemingly readies to throw Zucco off the pier but simply throws him to the ground. The cops arrive and arrest Zucco.] You were right, you know, not bringing me along. You knew I'd take it too personally.

Batman:
It wasn't that, Robin. It wasn't that at all. Zucco's taken so much, caused you so much pain. I couldn't stand the thought that he might... take you, too.

Robin:
[putting a hand on Batman's shoulder] Come on, partner. It's been a long night.

Alfred:
[seeing Batman with a Joker Fish] Dining in tonight, sir?

Batman:
[sighs] The dissection tray, please, Alfred...

Harley Quinn:
Look Alive, Wage Slaves. Presenting that caliph of clowns, that mogul of mountebanks, the one and only Joker!

Joker:
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)

Francis:
Great Scott.

Joker:
Actually, I'm Irish. Good morning, Mr. Francis. Please allow me to introduce my associates. Miss Quinn.

Harley Quinn:
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Joker:
And Messrs, uh...Their names escape me for the moment. No matter.

Joker:
We gentlemen of business have arrangements to discuss.

Francis:
A... Arrangements?

Joker:
[drops a Joker Fish onto his desk] For my fish, of course! This has all been worked out far in advance, Francis. You are merely the last tiny cog in my grand design! So don't speak to me again, 'kay? Now, what is everyone in town talking about?

Francis:
Err... your fish?

Joker:
[smacks him with the fish] I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK!

Harley:
[sniffs Francis] Ooh, fish stink-a-roony! [sprays him with a substance from a perfume bottle, making him cough] All better!

Joker:
As I was saying, since every fish in Gotham now bares my famous and frankly FABULOUS face, I should be getting a profit from every fish product sold. [one of his thugs pours out a pile of products] Let's say a nickel per fish sandwich, fifty cents for sardines - millions of dollars a day to finance my happily hedonistic lifestyle! So which of your tedious copyright forms do I fill out first? You may speak now.

Francis:
No one can copyright fish. They're a natural resource.

Joker:
But they share my unique face! Colonel What's-His-Name has chickens, and they don't even have moustaches!

Francis:
I can't help it, it's the law!

Joker:
Oh! Trying to cheat the Joker, are ya?! Well, we'll see who has the last laugh. You have until midnight to change your mind, Francis, or you'll be the poorest fish of all! [leaves, laughing madly]

Kyodai Ken:
[Throwing Bruce] Don't be depressed, Wayne-san. You're not bad for a rich man's pampered son.

Sensei:
[Leaps across room and throws Kyodai] There's always someone better, Kyodai.

Batman:
His name is Kyodai Ken. He was good.

Robin:
Yeah? How good?

Batman:
[Quickly] Good.

Robin:
I see.

Selina Kyle:
Don't tell me you're my very own private probation officer. How often would you like me to check in?

Batman:
"Viral Antitoxins". For a plague that doesn't exist, yet, but if the plague is introduced via stray dogs and cats, it will blanket Gotham City within weeks!

Roland Daggett:
Days, actually. You know how many strays there are in Gotham, Batman? Three hundred thousand! Imagine if even a tenth of them carried the virus. Not only will this little bottle make me a hero, it'll make me a fortune as well.

[Joker, Two-Face, and Penguin are bidding over Batman's secret identity]

Two-Face:
$500,000

Penguin:
Poof. Chicken feed. I'll bet a million!

Two-Face:
TWO Million!

Strange:
I have two million. Do I hear three?

Joker:
Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT!

Two-Face:
Get outta my face, clown!

Joker:
Which one?

[An angered Two-Face is about to attack Joker, but Penguin intervenes]

Penguin:
Gentlemen, it behooves us not to fight amongst ourselves.

Joker:
Well put, sardine breath! I think we should pool our resources on this. $51,240,685! [gets out a little coin purse, and pours out some coins] And uh, 53 cents.

Strange:
Sold!

Strange:
Joker, please! I was set up! Bruce Wayne is Batman!

Two-Face:
That's absurd! I know Bruce Wayne. If he's Batman, I'm the King of England!

Joker:
And people say I'M crazy!

Bruce Wayne:
And who's your little friend?

[Barbara takes a teddy bear out of her purse]

Barbara Gordon:
Oh, this is Wubby. I've had him forever. Dad won't pick me up at the airport without bringing him along.

Commissioner Gordon:
[blushing] Well... he knows the way better than I do.

Alfred:
[After learning about the AI project] Sounds as if the human race could become quite expendable, except for butlers, of course.

Batman:
Of course.

Randa:
You have immobilized the maker.

HARDAC:
His human imperfection endangers the plan. He must be improved upon.

HARDAC:
The maker's concept was sound, but he did not go far enough - which is why I have taken over.

Edward Nygma:
[Being cheated out of the sales of his game] You are a fool, Mockridge, to think you can get away with this! Your amoral greed is no match for an intellect like mine!

Mockridge:
Oh, yeah? Then tell me something, Eddie: if you're so smart, why aren't you RICH?

[Batman reprograms the Hand of Fate, and uses it to carry himself and Robin to the centre of the maze]

Riddler:
That is grand-scale CHEATING, Batman! You're not allowed to tamper with the Hand of Fate!

Batman:
I don't believe in fate!

Riddler:
You probably don't believe in Minotaurs either, but you'll still have to answer the Riddle.

Minotaur Robot:
I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscles, yet I move two hemispheres. What am I?

Batman:
[pauses in thought] That's simple: the human brain. [The Minotaur backs away] It has billions of optic and auditory nerves, four lobes and two hemispheres, and it's the only thing Edward Nygma respects.

Riddler:
A lucky guess, that's all! But it won't save you, Batman! [to the Minotaur] DESTROY THEM!

Poison Ivy:
[as Joker changes the channel in the TV] Hey, I was watching that!

Joker:
And now you're watching this!

Poison Ivy:
Change it back!

Joker:
Nope, nope, nope, nope, don't want to.

Poison Ivy:
Guard!

Security Guard:
What's the problem?

Joker:
Don't look now, Sonny Jim, but the plant lady's gone whackers again.

Poison Ivy:
He started it. I was just sitting here.

Joker:
That's right, you're always blaming me. And the children wonder why we fight!

Cameron Kaiser:
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the Joker's Wild!

[Cameron Kaiser cuts the ribbon and unveils a casino with a gigantic Joker head. He is seen spoken to by Summer Gleeson]

Summer Gleeson:
Ugh, that is disgusting!

Cameraman:
Psst, Summer! We're on the air!

Summer Gleeson:
[mortified] Oh! Uh... there you have it! Let's get a reaction from the guests. Mr. Wayne?

Bruce Wayne:
[equally nauseated] No comment.

Summer Gleeson:
Mr. Kaiser, why build a casino seemingly in honor of one of history's most notorious outlaws?

Cameron Kaiser:
Summer, please! Wild Joker is a classic symbol long associated with cards and games. I can't help it if there's a some passing resemblance to some criminal fruitcake.

Joker:
How dare that smug, preening fool try to cash in on MY image!

Poison Ivy:
Now who should lighten up?

Joker:
Don't get cute with me, Ives. He's ripping me off. I'll protest.

Dorian:
I want to test Tygrus' reflexes and feral strength, and who better to pit him against than you? I'll give you a generous head start before I release Tygrus. If you defeat him, I shall relinquish this, the antigen to reverse Catwoman's mutation.

Batman:
How do I know you'll keep your word?

Dorian:
You don't. The clock is ticking, Batman.

Batman:
So you CAN talk.

Tygrus:
My father taught me.

Batman:
Your father was a test tube.

Professor Milo:
What you're suffering from is an early stage of lycanthropy, more commonly known as werewolfism; for that I have no treatment. However, advanced werewolfism can be cured.

Anthony Romulus:
[after a wolf howls, Anthony starts transforming] Ohhh, you fool! There's no telling what the werewolf might do!

Professor Milo:
Hey, ask me if I care.

Batman:
Do me a favor, shaggy: stay down!

Bullock:
No trace of Wolfie! We checked the shoreline for miles! But in four weeks there's another full moon. Then we'll know for sure.

[Batman swoops away after rescuing his Sensei's student, Kairi]

Kairi:
[In Japanese] Spirit of the bat...

Yoru:
If you see Batman, tell him I have great respect for him.

Bruce:
Why? He's as much a ninja as Kyodai was.

Yoru:
Not so. Batman offered to help his adversary, and a lesser man would have used the secrets of the Onemuri touch against his opponent. Batman is the essence of samurai, Wayne-san. You would do well to remember that.

Bruce:
[bows] Domo arigato, sensei.

Batman:
Reports of a huge bat creature the size of a man. Remind you of anybody?

Alfred:
Present company excluded?

March:
[confronting Batman with a tranquilizer rifle] My new serum could be even more powerful than Kirk's!

Batman:
[after disarming March] COULD be? What do you mean?

March:
I needed to test it, but before I had the chance....

Batman:
[clearly surprised] You mean you HAVEN'T' taken it?

March:
Of COURSE NOT! The experimental batch was destroyed. I'll have to....

Batman:
Destroyed? How?

March:
I'd been working through the night. I was just completing the final combination. [remembers incident at his lab as he drops the beaker of mutagen upon Francine's surprise entry] Francine burst in. I was startled. You have to understand I was very tired, I accidentally dropped the beaker. The whole night's work, ruined! Francine never guessed what I was doing, she even helped me clean up the mess. All that....glass! [recalls Francine licking her finger after it is pricked by a small shard of glass] Oh, my Lord, Francine, the mutagen...it's in HER bloodstream now! [breaks down at his folly as Batman loads tranquilizer into a pistol of his and then gives March the formula paperwork]

Batman:
Is THAT what it's going to take? Your daughter's life, before you END this insanity?

Joker:
I want a nice clean game, gentlemen.

Penguin:
That'll be a first. So, I hear 'you-know-who' nailed the Mad Hatter last week.

Joker:
No kidding. He sure gets around for one guy.

Two-Face:
Yeah, well that's where you're wrong. I don't think it IS one guy.

Killer Croc:
Huh?

Two-Face:
The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of 'em stashed someplace like a SWAT team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but-

Joker:
Meh. You're always seeing double.

Penguin:
It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.

Joker:
Sure! He could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! [as Two-Face crushes a milk carton] Uh, no offense, Harv.

Two-Face:
Just deal.

Killer Croc:
Well, ya know what I think?

Joker:
Not the robot theory again...

Killer Croc:
Well, he COULD be.

Two-Face:
Poison Ivy...

Poison Ivy:
It's been a long time Harvey. You're still looking...halfway decent.

Two-Face:
Half of me wants to strangle ya.

Poison Ivy:
And what's the other part want?

Two-Face:
To hit you with a truck!

Poison Ivy:
[to the others] We used to date.

Penguin/Joker:
Ah.

Batman:
Wherever you go, I'll be right behind you.

Penguin:
Precisely where you belong.

Batman:
He wasn't with them?

Penguin:
That's right, you vulgar vigilante! In my day, I associated with a much higher class of riff-raff!

Batman:
"Where does a 500 pound gorilla sleep?" "What's worse than a millipede with flat feet?" "How do you stuff five elephants into a compact car?"

Alfred:
Anywhere it wants, a giraffe with a sore throat, and two in the front seat, two in the back, and one in the trunk.

Batman:
Yeah, Yeah. I know, I know. Any schoolboy knows those But brain teasers are the Riddler's M.O. Not corny old jokes like these.

Alfred:
Perhaps the questions are the clues, not the answers For example, they all seem to involve animals.

Batman:
Also numbers. A 500 pound gorilla. A millipede, meaning a thousand legs. And five elephants. Now let's convert them to Roman numerals. [he does, revealing the letters DMV] Look!

Alfred:
DMV...

Batman and Alfred:
Department of Motor Vehicles!

Alfred:
But I recall you mentioning he'd already obliterated his records there, so why return?

Batman:
For the hard copy.

Riddler:
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no tales.

Batman:
Another riddle, Nygma?

[Four quarters and a single penny emerge from the return change chute]

Riddler:
It all makes sense when you add it up!

[In the Batmobile]

Alfred:
Four quarters and a penny, sir?

Batman:
Penny... Penny... Cent... Red cent... Copper. It's made of copper.

Alfred:
And "copper" is another word for a policeman.

Batman:
And "no tails" would be heads. Police head... Quarters!

Alfred:
Police Headquarters. Bravo, sir! It does make "cents" when you add it up!

Robin:
He can't be online! I searched through every file.

Riddler:
You searched the software. Had you bothered to examine the hardware you would have discovered a cordless modem line.

Riddler:
A pity you can't earn extra lives in this game.Quite an experience being riddled with questions, isn't it, Batman

Robin:
Batman dont open that door Crazy Intent means Loco Motion!

Riddler:
Only Batman can put the King in check and you have to move according to the rules or its the end of the day

Robin:
They call you the dark Knight..so you have to move like a knight

Batman:
You may control this world, Nygma, but I still control myself!

Riddler:
The name is "Riddler"! Edward Nygma doesn't exist anymore! You may recall that he was once fired by an ungrateful employer! That was a private matter and was meant to remain one!

Batman:
Attempted homicide is never a "private matter", Nygma!

Riddler:
No, but it would have been if you hadn't interfered and turned Edward Nygma into a fugitive! So I deleted Nygma. Just as I'm about to delete you, Batman.

Riddler:
Careful, vigilante, you know what they say, "Curiosity killed the Bat".

Batman:
Can you solve it?

Robin:
Are you kidding? You're looking at the guy who solved the Baxter's Box puzzle in 37 seconds! Course, this time I don't have a sledge hammer...

Batman:
Tell me this..Riddler how can you spread your conscious thirty-two times..and still have the concentration to keep your world together? YOU CANT!

Riddler:
No....NO..... I can escape that easy...but if the Planet was equitable...I'd still have my old Job....No...wait...IM ...not Ready.....AHHHHH'

Gordon:
But we'll never find him

Batman:
I think he left us a clue..."If the planet were equitable, I'd still have my old job".

Robin:
Of course. If the "World's Fair," I'd still have my "Ex-position". Oh, give me a break.

Batman:
Looks like he didn't escape his virtual reality in time.

Robin:
You mean he's been trapped inside his own program?

Batman:
Could be and how to get him out may be a riddle no one can solve.

Batman:
A weary body can be dealt with. But a weary spirit? That's something else.

Batman:
Sometimes, old friend, I wonder if I'm really doing any good out there.

Alfred:
How can you doubt it? The lives you've saved, the criminals you've brought to justice-

Batman:
I've put out a few fires, yes. Won a few battles. But the war goes on, Alfred. On and on...

Dr. Leslie Thompkins:
You seem quieter than usual tonight.

Batman:
Every year, I come here and wonder if it should be the last time. If I should put the past behind me, try to lead a normal life.

Dr. Thompkins:
Santayana says, Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.

Batman:
He also said a fanatic is someone who redoubles his efforts while losing sight of his goal.

Batman:
I chose this life. I use the night -- I became the night. Sooner or later, I'll go down. It might be the Joker, or Two-Face, or just some punk who gets lucky. My decision, no regrets. But I can't let anyone else pay for my mistakes.

Batman:
When you look too long into the abyss, the abyss looks back through you. Maybe it's time for Batman to return to the night that spawned him, before anyone else gets hurt!

Talia:
My contact lenses! I lost them when we fell! They counter the distortion effect. Without them, I'm as helpless as you.

Batman:
I don't do helpless.

Ra's al Ghul:
So even in defeat, the detective manages to achieve some small measure of victory. As you said, detective: this is not over.

Joker:
You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sid. No body. No BATUS DELECTI so to speak. We need to pull a job tonight just to make sure.

Murphy, Joker's henchman:
Make sure what, boss?

Joker:
[surprised by Murphy's question] Why that old Batsy's bought the cave of course, and one more thing Murphy.....[turning more annoyed] don't ask stupid questions. [pushes Murphy to the hyenas who scratch and lick him crazily, to Joker's satisfaction]

Harley Quinn:
I'll get the mop.

Joker:
When the cops come, stall them for awhile, just until Batman arrives. Got it?

Henchman:
Right, boss.

Joker:
[to Murphy, still scarred from the hyenas] Any questions, Murph?

Murphy:
No sir!

Joker:
[to Sid The Squid] Good man. And if Batman hasn't really gone to his final reward, we'll see that he gets there!

Joker:
Dear friends... today is the day the Clown cried. And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream. The dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy. For it was the Batman who made me the happy soul I am today. How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that. Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face. Or an exploding whoopie-cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile. But those dreams were dashed by the weaselly little gunsel sitting there in our midst. The cowardly insignificant gonif who probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the slime trail this loser left behind him. This mound of diseased hyena filth who's not fit to lick the dirt from my spats...! But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed. It's time to look to a future filled with smiles. And I'll be smiling again just as soon as we take that man THERE...and slap him in that box THERE...and roll him into that vat of acid THERE! Well that was fun...who's for Chinese?!

Clayface:
[After civilians flee in terror upon seeing his true form] That's right, run! Run for your measly lives! Run from Clayface!

Clayface:
You've upstaged me for the last time, Batman. Time to bring down the curtain!

Rupert Thorne:
You think you iced the Batman, huh? Heh heh heh... Not on your best day, Jake! I'd cover my back if I were you.

Bruce Wayne:
Bruce Wayne, Dr. Thorne. Thomas Wayne's son. Did you get my letter?

Matthew Thorne:
Yes. Thomas Wayne...

Bruce Wayne:
I told you I can help with your legal costs, maybe even put in a good word with the judge.

Matthew Thorne:
Yes, but what do you get out of it?

Bruce Wayne:
Well, there is something you can do for me.

Matthew Thorne:
I knew it! I knew there'd be a catch. Sorry, Mr. Wayne. Matthew Thorne is no longer for sale!

Bruce Wayne:
I'm not looking for any illegal favors.

Matthew Thorne:
What then?

Bruce Wayne:
Something you know. Something only you can give me. [pause] Tell me about my father.

[Dr. Thorne grins and camera pans out as he ushers Bruce to resume his seat]

Zatanna:
What do you care about some leggy dame in nylons- or have I just answered my own question?

Zatanna:
[About Batman's mask] What happened that made you put this on?

Batman:
A painful memory, and a promise.

The Penguin:
[furious at his men for stealing the wrong stamps by mistake] These are terrible! Terrible!

Eagleton:
[indignant] Come on, boss. Give me a break. We got you the stamps. What more do you want?

The Penguin:
[tossing the worthless stamps angrily] I wanted the rare ones! The reversed Audubons! These aren't worth enough to pay for the repairs to the limousine.

Earl Cooper:
[sees the damaged Batmobile] You been letting the kid drive again?

Robin:
Ha ha. Actually we were playing chicken with a penguin.

Batman:
Or three of his men.

Joker:
NO, we didn't get the diamond! The Dork Knight showed up before we even got to the museum! I had a great shot at him, too. Except... my dear little Harley Quinn handed me the wrong gun!

Harley Quinn:
But puddin', it was kinda funny watching you shoot at him with the bang flag! [Rocco and Henshaw can't help laughing then stifle it as the Joker glares at them]

Joker:
[turning back to Harley] Funny? You presume to tell me what I should think is funny?!?

Harley Quinn:
[Poison Ivy trips the alarm, spoiling and hers and Harley Quinn's separate robberies] Nice going, butterfingers! Why not turn on the Bat-Signal while you're at it?

Poison Ivy:
I wasn't TRYING to get caught!

Harley Quinn:
Could've fooled me! Hey, aren't you that plant lady Poison Oakie?

Poison Ivy:
Ivy! Poison IVY, not Oakie!

Harley Quinn:
Sorry! Harley Quinn, please to meet ya!

[Poison Ivy is about to give an injection to Harley Quinn]

Harley Quinn:
I hate shots! I hate shots!

Poison Ivy:
Now, now. You're not immune to poison like I am, and you won't last ten minutes here in Toxic Acres without my antidote. [gives the injection]

Harley Quinn:
Oooh! Whew, you'd think after livin' with Mr. J, I'd be used to a little pain.

Poison Ivy:
Why do you put up with that clown?

Harley Quinn:
Don't get me wrong. My puddin's a little rough sometimes, but he loves me, really.

Poison Ivy:
[sarcastically] Sure he does. You're just one big, forgiving doormat, aren't you?

Harley Quinn:
I am NOT a doormat! ...Am I?

Poison Ivy:
If you had a middle name, it would be Welcome. But cheer up, kid. You just need some lessons in good old female self-esteem. In other words, let's play with the boys on our terms.

Poison Ivy:
That should keep you big strong men busy while we weak little girls loot your trophy room.

Harley Quinn:
Gee, Ives, you got style!

Harley Quinn:
[sighs softly] No offense, Ives, but I'm not very hungry. Somehow I don't feel like my old perky self.

Harley Quinn:
[to Poison Ivy] I remember when I would go driving like this with Mr. J.

Poison Ivy:
[imitating Harley Quinn] "Mr. J, Mr. J." Oh, change the record, Harls!

Bruce Wayne:
[indignant after reading about James Gordon's arrest] We'll see about this.

Barbara Gordon:
So Batman can't help me? Fine. Let's see what Batgirl can do!

Two-Face:
Don't get wise with me, Mason. Remember who got you set up as Gordon's assistant?

Gil Mason:
Right, Harvey, right.

Two-Face:
[grabs him] Don't call me that! It's TWO-FACE to you, pretty boy!

Batman:
I should've known it would be Two-Face. It's a perfect two-part plan. He consolidates the gangs while Mason takes over the police.

[Gil Mason is about to murder James Gordon to become commissioner, and later mayor]

Gil Mason:
It's business, Jim. Nothing personal. Matter of fact, I respect you, I do. But a fellow has to take his opportunities where he finds them. And with you out of the way, I'll be mayor inside of a year!

Gordon:
You're SICK, Gil! [glances at Two-Face] A lot sicker than him! At least I can see his bad half!

Mason:
Sorry you feel that way. At least you won't have to worry about Barbara. I'll take good care of her. She's very fond of me, you know.

Gordon:
You piece of scum! I may not be able to stop you, but I know someone who will!

Mason:
I wouldn't get your hopes up. You see, there's been a recent decline in the bat population...

Penguin:
Your aim appears to be a little off today, Batman. I don't think you could hit the broad side of a barn, let alone the broad side of this bird! You're blind as a bat. Sightless and helpless.

Batman:
You've got ONE right.

Alfred:
You have a call on your private line.

Bruce:
Then let's go!

Alfred:
In your condition, sir?

Bruce:
If you think a little inconvenience like this is going to stop me...

[he knocks over a lamp]

Alfred:
Indeed.

Penguin:
[contacting Mayor Hill's office from the Raven] Quite a machine, this Raven. Amazing what its communications equipment can do. Don't you agree? You've received my instructions?

Mayor Hill:
They arrived by messenger this morning. You know, one-hundred million is a a lot of money. It'll take time to raise that much.

Penguin:
You're stalling, Hill. Obviously, you're not taking me seriously. I've warned you not to make that mistake. Apparently, I'll have to show you why.

[shuts off communication and Hill angrily snaps his pencil in half]

Mayor Hill:
Just what I was afraid of. According to the controller's office, we can't come close to putting that ransom together. Not without shutting down basic municipal services.

Detective Bullock:
So what other options do we got?

Batman:
[emerging from the shadows] None, gentlemen. Which is why you're going to do exactly what the Penguin wants you to.

Ra's al Ghul:
As Napoleon told me, "A strong will can fuel a frail physique."

Ra's Al Ghul:
Look at it, detective. One of the last of the rain forests. The world depends upon its oxygen, yet the rich see only profit in its destruction. You, who belong to the over-class, have much to answer for.

Batman:
Bruce Wayne donates millions of dollars a year to preserve these forests.

Ra's Al Ghul:
Which are being depleted at the rate of 120,000 acres a day. Does your money solve this problem? No! It will take more than wealth. It will take power, and I fear, ruthlessness. Humankind must be forced to serve the planet instead of its own appetites.

Batman:
And you're the one who'll do the forcing?

Ra's Al Ghul:
I am... qualified, yes. But I may not have sufficient lifetimes left to me.

Ubu:
Infidel!

Batman:
If you only knew how sick I am of you calling me that!

Ra's al Ghul:
The material of the Pit is an unknown chemical stew that bubbles to the Earth's surface only in certain key places. Even now, my people are placing bombs, such as that one, over the various Lazarus Pits around the world. These bombs are electronically linked to a private satellite already in Earth orbit.

Batman:
Orpheus.

Ra's al Ghul:
Precisely. And at the moment when sun and moon are in proper alignment to cause the greatest upheaval in Earth's geomagnetic field, I shall send a signal to that satellite, beginning a countdown. Five minutes thereafter, one bomb will be lowered deep into the heart of each Pit. The satellite will in turn relay a microwave signal that will detonate all the bombs simultaneously. The multiple explosions will result in a global chain reaction. All the Lazarus Pits throughout the world will overflow. The globe will be saturated with their chemical solution, and when the resultant cataclysm has abated, there will come a blessed peace, and this poor, defiled planet shall find itself restored to its former pristine glory.

Batman:
But that will cost countless lives!

Ra's al Ghul:
Actually, Detective, we HAVE counted: Two billion, fifty-six million, nine hundred and eighty-six thousand! A most impressive plan, would you not agree?

Batman:
Yes... I can see it clearly now for the first time. You are completely out of your mind.

Rossum:
You don't understand. You're not a man's mind in a robot's body. You're a robot. Period.

Bat-Duplicant:
You're lying! It's not possible! I know my family and friends! I remember names, faces, birthdays! I have memories! A past!

Rossum:
You have information. Data. Nothing more. Do you remember your first kiss? Your favorite song? The last time you tasted a really good steak?

Batman:
[about the duplicant] Could it be it had a soul, Alfred? A soul of silicon, but a soul nonetheless.

Stavros:
Please! It's not what you think. I wasn't going to say anything. Honest!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus:
Silence! First, you transgress against me. Then, you force me to descend to the mortal plane. And now, you tell me I know not what I think?!

Stavros:
No!

Zeus:
To the depths of Tartarus with you!

Zeus:
You bore me with these tales of petty human concerns.

Clio:
[annoyed] You're doing it again, Max.

Zeus:
You are Clio, my muse of history. Amuse me with tales of ancient times when mortals trembled at the name of Zeus.

Clio:
You want a story? I got one. Seems there was this guy named Max who, because he'd been lucky so far in the smuggling racket, believed himself to be untouchable, superior, godlike...

Zeus:
There's a cynical edge to your voice I don't appreciate. Know you not, I am above mortal constraints of right and wrong?

Clio:
No one is above the law, Max.

Zeus:
I make my own laws!

Batman:
How do you think I found this place? The phone book? I had help. Inside help.

Scarface:
My premonition! I knew I was right! Which one of you louses is it?!

Rhino:
It ain't me boss!

Scarface:
I know it ain't you, Rhino! You're too stupid to be a traitor!

Rhino:
Thanks, boss.

Scarface:
But whoever it is, they're gonna pay big time! Who is it?! You don't talk, you get the ultimate massage!

Batman:
And if I tell?

Scarface:
Maybe you just get run over by a truck.

Batman:
Tempting, but no.

Scarface:
Have it your way. Rhino!

[Rhino gets ready to pull the lever to lower Batman to a pit of mannequins with razor-sharp fingernails]

Batman:
Hold it!

Scarface:
This is gettin' old, Bats. Last chance, who's the traitor?

Batman:
Him! The Ventriloquist!

[everyone glares at the Ventriloquist]

Ventriloquist:
No, no! He's lying! I told you when he came into my room!

Scarface:
So what? Maybe you did 'cause I had ya cornered. Heard ya talkin' to Batman.

Batman:
[uses his own ventriloquism to imitate the Ventriloquist] Shut up, you blockhead!

Scarface:
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Ventriloquist:
It wasn't me! I didn't say that! My lips didn't move!

Scarface:
So what?! You're a ventriloquist! You're also a lyin' yellow liver-bellied two-face!

Ventriloquist:
No, Scarface! I'm loyal! I'd never!

Batman:
He's been feeding me information, in return for legal protection. [imitates the Ventriloquist again] You're going up the river, sawdust-for-brains!

Scarface:
Why, I oughta...! Waste the floor-flusher! Come on, I gave an order! ICE HIM! DO IT! DO IT NOW!

Muggsy:
But, boss, we ventilate the Ventriloquist, your, y'know...

Scarface:
I'M SURROUNDED BY TRAITORS! Okay, fine. Ya want something done right, do it yourself! [aims his gun at the Ventriloquist]

Veronica:
If ever someone led a worry-free life, it's you, Bruce Wayne.

Mad Hatter:
[preparing a guillotine] As the great Lewis Carroll said: "One, two, one, two, and through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"

Batman finds himself on a chesboard: