Becker, Season 1

Jake Malinak:
(first lines) Becker's here!

(three people run out the door as Becker comes in)

Dr. John Becker:
What I like about this place is that anytime I walk in, there's always a seat.

Dr. John Becker:
You know what's killing this country? TV talk shows. I watched one last night. I should've just stuck a fork in my eye. You know, it's like America stepped in something and is scraping it off its shoe directly over my TV set. I'm telling you. Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, they're all broadcasting straight from Hell! When I watched one the other day... I don't even know what the hell it was. Apparently, some guy wanted to be a woman, so he chops it off. Then he decides he likes chicks after all, so he becomes a lesbian. Tell me there's not a wasted step in there somewhere.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
You know, Becker, you could've changed the channel.

Dr. John Becker:
I did. I ran across a bisexual guy having a three-way with his aunt and uncle. I tell you, if I were his dog, I'd be on my toes.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Well, here's a wacky idea: turn it off!

Jake Malinak:
Don't you see it, Reggie? He leaves the TV on so he can get upset!

Dr. John Becker:
Nobody called on you. It doesn't matter if you turn the set off. The people are still in there! And, frankly, I like knowing what they're up to. Trust me on this one. White trash is the only natural resource this country will never run out of!

Man:
You sure he's really a doctor? I mean, he's such an ass.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
He's not just a doctor. He's a brilliant doctor. As far I as I can tell, that's his only flaw, otherwise he'd be a perfect ass.

Annette Johnson:
You just may go to Heaven whether you like it or not.

Dr. John Becker:
Thanks. It's the first time someone suggested I go in that direction.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
So, what kind of car are you looking for?

Dr. John Becker:
Basic transportation. Something to get me from here to there.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Get a bicycle.

Jake Malinak:
Uh-oh.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
What? They're inexpensive, great exercise, and pollution-free.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, yeah. That's just what I want to be. Another schmuck riding down the street with a little bell and stupid helmet trying to save the environment. Like my little two-wheeler's going to make a difference in a city with fifty-million cabs belching out toxic smoke. "Oh, little Timmy can't breathe! But don't worry! Becker's riding a bike!"

Jake Malinak:
(to Reggie) I tried to warn you.

Dr. John Becker:
My car broke down, so I had to take the bus. Have you done that lately? It's like being in an ethanol-powered Fellini film. The first thing I see is some woman breastfeeding her son- her ADULT son. Behind them is someone in this lovely Chanel evening gown who's either an attractive man or a really unattractive woman. The only seat I could find was next to some guy who claims he's Moses. He may well have been, too. He smelled like some guy who'd been dead for 3,000 years.

Margaret:
Mrs. Cooper called at 11:00 last night. She didn't want to alarm us, but she wasn't sure she would make it through the night. 7:00 this morning, Mrs. Cooper called again. Apparently, she made it. 8:15, Mrs. Cooper called...

Dr. John Becker:
She's here, isn't she?

Margaret:
Room two.

Dr. John Becker:
All right, give me the TV Guide. Let's see what we're dealing with.

Margaret:
Already checked. There were two movies of the week last night. Lindsey Wagner had kidney failure and Patty Duke was going deaf. Usual bet?

Dr. John Becker:
Fine. I'll take deafness, you've got renal shutdown. [Enters exam room] Mrs. Cooper, how are we doing today?

Patient:
Excuse me, doctor. Could you speak up?

Dr. John Becker:
(yells out to Margaret) Patty Duke!

Margaret:
Damn!

Linda:
(whispering) Dr. Becker, do you need any help?

Dr. John Becker:
(whispers) No.

Linda:
(still whispering) Are you sure?

Dr. John Becker:
(whispers) Yes.

Patient:
Oh, no. I am going deaf! I can hardly hear either one of you!

Dr. John Becker:
That's because we were whispering.

Patient:
What don't you want me to know?

Dr. John Becker:
(to Mr. Marino, who claims he "forgot" to take his medications) You remembered to keep smoking.

Mr. Marino:
Who says I'm smoking?

Dr. John Becker:
You're a lying, smoking bastard! I know because I'm one, too. Look, right now, you're being stupid. Do you want to be stupid and dead?

Mr. Marino:
You use that mouth with all your patients?

Dr. John Becker:
Only the stupid ones! It's real simple, Mr. Marino: You're walking across the street. A bus is coming at you. I'm trying to help you get out of the way. Even a five year-old is smart enough to do that. You think you might take directions as well as a five year-old?

Mr. Marino:
You know what? I got some directions for you, pal! Why don't you go straight to Hell, take a left at Up Yours, and then make a right at Kiss my Ass!

[after watching Mr. Marino arguing with his wife]

Dr. John Becker:
(to Mrs. Marino) I know why you want to kill him. (to Mr. Marino) And now I know why you want to die. Best of luck to both of you.

Dr. John Becker:
What is this, National Sex Day? I got a woman doing it in a parked car. This clown wants Viagra. Everybody I see this morning has sex on the brain.

Dr. John Becker:
Hey, M.J. How are you doing?

Marvin Johnson:
Where do babies come from?

Dr. John Becker:
(pause) Europe.

Radiator Repairman:
Hey, doc? When was the last time you got it serviced?

Dr. John Becker:
Excuse me?

Radiator Repairman:
Your system. How long's it been since you blew your pipes out?

Radiator Repairman:
I'm glad you got me over here, doc. Your system is getting ready to blow!

Dr. John Becker:
Stay away from me!

(Becker turns on the TV)

Woman on TV:
Hi. I'm Tiffany. I want to tell you things I've never told anyone. Hot, nasty, thi--

(changes channel)

Woman on TV:
You want firm, tasty, sexy fun? I mean, just look at these!

(changes channel)

Woman on TV:
Jerry, I don't think nymphomaniac is a big enough word to describe me.

(changes channel)

Reporter:
And in our final story tonight, we'd like to wish a special happy birthday to Hazel Meyers. Today, the oldest woman in New York is 106 years old.

Dr. John Becker:
And not lookin' to bad, either.

Dr. John Becker:
Jake, let me give you a little tip: whatever you do, never, ever, go to a hospital. You got a problem, throw yourself in front of a train. It's quicker, it's cheaper and it's a hell of a lot less paperwork. Patient of mine went to this morning for surgery. By the time I get there, he's gone.

Jake Malinak:
Oh, John. I'm sorry.

Dr. John Becker:
No, he's not dead! He's gone! They lost him! They physically lost the entire person! Oh, yeah, they keep track of their $25 aspirin there, $40 Q-tips, but apparently poor, unconscious Mr. Barelli was just a little too slippery for them! But at least it was all worthwhile. When I got Mr. Barelli up to his room, he found the perfect way to thank me. Threw up all over my shoes.

Dr. John Becker:
Know what I'm doing right now?

Jake Malinak:
Hm?

Dr. John Becker:
Giving you the finger.

Jake Malinak:
John, I'm blind, I'm poor and I'm running a newsstand in the Bronx. God gave me the finger long before you ever did.

Dr. John Becker:
You know, I can't help but notice you're acting a little- what's that word you used, Jake? Oh, yeah. Bitchy.

Jake Malinak:
I never said that. I agree, but I never said that.

(after he arranged the chess pieces on the board)

Mr. Schmalen:
Hey sweetheart, tell the doctor I’m ready and I’m white.

Linda:
Excuse me sir, but the doctor does not discriminate, he takes patients in the order they come in.

Mr. Schmalen:
Hey doc, are we playing chess today or should I just go screw myself?

Dr. John Becker:
Nah.. we’ll finish the game. Aha! Got your rook!

Mr. Schmalen:
Aha! Checkmate!

Dr. John Becker:
You beat me, how did you do that?

Mr. Schmalen:
I have a nephew, 38, we have to pin his bus pass to his sleeve, he could beat you.

(to Linda as he’s leaving Dr. Becker’s office)

Mr. Schmalen:
Honey, a little tip, next time I come in, it wouldn’t kill you to offer me a little coffee, maybe a Danish. And by the way, they invented brassieres for a reason!

Dr. John Becker:
Margret, there’s a reason why they named a blind date after a disabling condition.

Dr. John Becker:
If you and I were the only people on the face of the Earth, that would be the only thing we'd have in common.

[Becker walks into the diner]

Dr. John Becker:
You guys see the paper this morning?

Jake Malinak:
John, we keep going over this. I'm blind. I haven't seen anything for five years.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, well it's unbelievable. Some kid in West Virginia gets a bad grade, grabs his daddy's rifle and shoots out his teacher's tyres. Another slice of Americana brought to you by those card-carrying lunatics who think they're defending the Second Amendment! Lord knows when I want the Constitution explained to me, the first place I turn to is some toothless cretin with a third-grade education and an Elmer Fudd cap! Not that I have anything against hunting; if it makes you feel more like a man to blow Bambi's head off, knock yourself out! Just lock up the damn gun so when little Billy Bob, you know, flunks gym, he doesn't throw a hissy fit and take out half the faculty!

Jake Malinak:
Reg, we gotta get to the paper before he does so we can cut out everything that'll piss him off!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
That pretty much leaves the weather and Charlie Brown.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, you know I hate that pathetic little clod! How hard is it to kick a damn football?!

[Linda wants to rename the exam rooms A, B and C and put the patients in them according to the letter of their ailment]

Dr. John Becker:
There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?

Linda:
Headache, "A" for ache.

Dr. John Becker:
Pregnancy?

Linda:
"B" for baby.

Dr. John Becker:
X-ray?

Linda:
"C" for see-through.

(after he introduces two old patients to each other)

Dr. John Becker:
Just call me Dr. Becker, the geriatric pimp.

Dr John. Becker:
[talking to a pregnant patient] Okay, Mrs. Capelos, you're gonna be just fine. In a couple of weeks, you're gonna be flat on your back with your legs in the air, screaming like a banshee. [after she leaves, under his breath] Pretty much what put you in that condition in the first place!

[Becker opens his door to two Jehovah's Witnesses]

Jehovah's Witness:
Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

John Becker:
Depends. Are you two gonna be there?

Jehovah's Witness:
Why yes- [Becker slams the door]

Dr John Becker:
[to an elderly woman] Come on, lady! I've seen continents drift faster than this!

Becker:
I'd love to set you straight, but I gotta go heal the sick!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Do you really heal the sick or do you just harangue the disease out of the person like an exorcism?

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[about Becker] Oh I hate it when he's like that!

Jake Malinak:
Smug?

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
No, breathing!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Look, Jake, not that I don't enjoy this sucking up, but if you want the hockey ticket, you're gonna have to do better than this; after all, there are other men in my life! [Bob walks in]

Bob:
Hello, losers! That's right, Bob's back! [Reggie rolls her eyes]

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
I've got to get a bug-zapper in here!

Bob:
Notice anything different about Bob?

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[indifferent] You shed a layer of skin?

Bob:
You're closer than you think. Bob had a makeover; I've been loofahed, polished, waxed and buffed to a high sheen! I've had a facial, and for the first time in the salon's history, a back-al! I'll show you later!

Jake Malinak:
Thank God I'm blind!

Becker:
[repeated line when someone knocks on his door] If this is about my car blocking your space, I'm not moving! If this is about my laundry in all of the machines, it's not moving!

Margaret:
[coming into Becker's apartment] Did you know it smells like cabbage out there?

Becker:
Yeah, it's the old couple at the end of the hallway. Either they cook sauerkraut every night, or they've been dead since Tuesday!

Becker:
[shouting at a Chinese takeaway worker] Hey, how many times I gotta tell you?! Quit sliding menus under my door! Look, I've eaten in this crappy restaurant! And don't think I don't know what's going on down there too! I've seen that dumpster full of dog collars!

Dr. John Becker:
Tetzloff, you are a lying, bottom feeding, low-life publicity whore!

Phil Morrison:
Dr. Becker, please. Come in. Sit down. [ushers Becker into a chair]

Dr. John Becker:
What? No, I don't want to talk on the radio -

Phil Morrison:
This'll be fine, seriously. Sit down. [into the radio mike] This is great. We have John Becker here, the racist doctor Mr. Tetzloff wrote about. [to Becker] Go ahead. You're on the air. Talk. Talk into the mike.

Dr. John Becker:
All right. This guy took a private conversation and he turned it into something that it wasn't.

Tetzloff:
Well, then maybe you could tell me what it was. You said to an Asian man, "You people can't drive."

Dr. John Becker:
Yes, yes. You people, as in, you lousy drivers. I didn't care where he came from. All I cared about was where he was going, which was into the side of my car! I never said he was a bad driver because he was Asian.

Tetzloff:
So you do believe Asian Americans are bad drivers?

Dr. John Becker:
I never said that they are bad drivers!

Tetzloff:
"They?"

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, come on! This is stupid!

Tetzloff:
Isn't "they" just a racist code word? Another way of saying "those people?"

Dr. John Becker:
"They" is not a code word. "They" is a pronoun. We can't use pronouns anymore?

Tetzloff:
And by "we," you mean white Americans just like you?

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, come on. White Americans. Do you believe this?

Phil Morrison:
I love this! This is like a real show!

Phil Morrison:
Caller, you're on the air.

Caller:
Yeah, hi, Phil. Long time listener, first time caller. Guys like this doctor make me sick. Can I have a T-shirt?

Phil Morrison:
Good point. No shirt.

Dr. John Becker:
This woman just proves what everything I've been saying for years, that the only thing dumber than talk radio listeners are talk radio callers. It's an entire audience made up of the infirm, the unemployed, and the insane.

Tetzloff:
So, with one sweeping generality, you smeared this man's entire audience.

Phil Morrison:
[covers microphone] It's okay. He's right.

Phil Morrison:
Mr. Tetzloff, in your column, you also say that Dr. Becker insulted a black man...

Tetzloff:
That's correct.

Phil Morrison:
A blind man -

Dr. John Becker:
Hey! Hey, wait a minute. It's the same guy. You can't count him twice.

Jake Malinak:
[listening with Reggie and Bob] Remind me, Reg. Why do I like him?

Reggie:
Come on, Becker. Just say the name of the diner. Just say the name.

Dr. John Becker:
And besides, he's a friend of mine. He's the only reason I go into that place - certainly not for the food.

Reggie:
Don't say the name. Please don't say the name.

Tetzloff:
The whole point of my article was to show that racism is alive in this city and, Dr. Becker, you're its living proof!

Dr. John Becker:
I am not! I have strong opinions. Yeah, I admit that. I have likes, I have dislikes, but none of them are racially motivated! Everything I say is motivated purely by stupidity!

Linda:
[listening with Margaret] Did he mean to say that?

Jake Malinak:
Good one, John.

Dr. John Becker:
You know what I meant.

Tetzloff:
I certainly know what you meant when you maligned rap music, clearly an expression of African American culture!

Dr. John Becker:
I did not! I said I didn't like loud music. You know, all right. I don't like rap music. Is that okay with you? I don't like polka music either, but I like Polish sausage. I hate Chinese checkers, but I love French fries. I hate Belgian waffles, love German Shepherds. Can't stand English muffins! Here's a real puzzler: hate Danish cheese, love cheese danish!

Tetzloff:
Yes, doctor. Very clever, but what about that mean spirited swipe at Puerto Ricans?

Dr. John Becker:
[beat] Puerto Ricans?

Tetzloff:
You made a crack about people who barbecue out on the street.

Dr. John Becker:
Those are Puerto Ricans? You know, I didn't say that.

Tetzloff:
Yes, well, we all know that's what you meant -

Dr. John Becker:
No, that's not what I meant at all. I was talking about some guy who lives down the street from me. I don't know where he comes from, but he cooks his dinner on the sidewalk, and that's just stupid. You know something? You are the one who's making this about Puerto Ricans.

Tetzloff:
That's not what I did at all!

Dr. John Becker:
That's exactly what you did. Same thing with your column. You took a private conversation, you imbued it with racial overtones, all under the guise of political correctness. You know something? That concept was meant to make us more sensitive to each other, but instead, all you did was use it to perpetuate some ugly stereotypes!

Tetzloff:
That-that certainly wasn't my intention-

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, well, that's what you did. You know, let me tell you one more thing I don't like: you. Not because of where you come from. I just don't like you. And you know something, you're free not to like me, either, as long as you do it for the right reasons. And if you don't like that, you can kiss my ass.

[Becker leaves]

Phil Morrison:
Great show!

Becker:
Valentine's Day: the shallowest, greediest exploitation of emotion since my second marriage!

Becker:
The only person who ever celebrated this day right was Al Capone.

Reggie:
You know Becker, I hate Valentine's Day too.

Becker:
Woah! You and I agree on something?

Reggie:
I know, it scares me too! But you're right; all the pressure- 'Will I get a date?', 'Won't I get a date?', 'Gotta get a date', 'Didn't get a date'- who needs it?

Jake:
Congratulations John, you just claimed another soul!

Jake:
Kiss my ass!

Becker:
Certainly not the most romantic invitation I've ever gotten. Oddly enough, not the least either.

[After talking with John's father, Fred]

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
I'm just relieved to know Becker has a father: I was always under the impression he was raised by wolves.

Jake Malinak:
Yeah, really pissy wolves!

[Fred is in John's apartment, trying to get his son to talk to him and going about it as if it were a sales pitch]

John Becker:
[annoyed] Cut the crap, will you!? I'm not a customer; I'm your son! I don't wanna joke, I don't want a pen! Every few years, you show up and we do this ridiculous little dance! You wanna talk to me, talk to me!

Fred Becker:
What do you want to talk about?

John Becker:
No, no, no, no! This time, we're really gonna talk!...I was eleven years old. Why'd you leave?

Fred Becker:
[solemn] Ok, Johnny. Here it is; your mother and I were completely wrong for each other. All we ever did was argue. It got to the place where I took any kind of a job, just to get out of town. Your mother finally got fed up and...told me to keep going.

John Becker:
I didn't ask you to leave! I didn't argue with you, why didn't you at least come back and see me!?

Fred Becker:
Because your mother asked me not to. [John looks stunned] You didn't know that, did you? And yes, I could've insisted I have a bigger part in your life, but I didn't. I took the easy way out and I regret it.

John Becker:
[shocked] She asked you to---?

Fred Becker:
Don't blame her; she was afraid I'd be a bad influence on you. [chuckles] Back in those days, she wasn't entirely wrong. I was...[pause] I took time to look in on you now and again; I saw one of your high school basketball games and...I was there when you graduated from med school.

John Becker:
I know. I saw you. What was with the lime-green leisure suit?

Fred Becker:
It was the 70's! Give me a break!

Becker:
Ah hell, there's that damn meter maid! HEY GRANDMA, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY CAR! WHY AREN'T YOU OUT STEALING KETCHUP PACKETS LIKE NORMAL OLD WOMEN!?

Becker:
[on religion] Religion is supposed to be about people being nice to each other, but frankly, I don't see a lot of that. You know, what I do see is people using the Good Book to say that they're morally superior. I see people building TV stations to bilk Grandma out of her pension cheques, all in the name of God, you know. And how about all those God-fearing people who are killing other God-fearing people because they don't fear God in the same way!?

[Watching a TV program]

Becker:
Oh please! She's no doctor! She's no writer! Hell, she's not even a real blonde!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Come on, Becker! How could you know anything about her!?

Becker:
She's my ex-wife.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
GET OUT OF HERE! She's your ex-wife? Jake, you gotta see this!

Jake Malinak:
Blind!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[winces] Right. [to Becker] She's the woman that you left?

Beck:
Yeah, good old Sandra. She was activating her choices with just about every man she ever met!

Bob:
She has the high fashion, uptown look Bob finds very hot.

Becker:
She'd crush you like a bug!

Bob:
You don't know Bob; he's one tough little insect!

Becker:
You know how it is when you're married; you have those cute little nicknames for each other.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
So what's your name for her?

Becker:
"Castrating bitch from Hell"!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Sounds like you're still carrying a torch for her.

Becker:
Yeah, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

Becker:
Look partner, she's gonna be fine! Why don't you just call your office? Maybe there's someone who missed getting screwed today!

Lawyer:
I really resent that!

Becker:
Well then my work is done!

Sandra:
And you said I wasn't fair to you.

Becker:
Oh come on, that don't count, he's a lawyer. I actually look forward to the day we can hunt them!

Jake Malinak:
Just caught a whiff of something strange from outside. Like a combination of exhaust fumes, hair tonic and really cheap cologne!

[Bob walks in]

Bob:
Hello, wage slaves! Bob's back!

Jake Malinak:
That explains it!

Bob:
Long time no see! Kinda your life story, eh?

Jake Malinak:
Times like this, I don't mind!

Becker:
Have you ever been robbed?

Margaret:
Oh please, I have lived in New York my whole life. I was held up on Prom Night...by my date!

Bob:
Hey, Doc!

Dr. John Becker:
Hey, dork!

Dr. John Becker:
[to Margaret while looking at travel brochures] What were you thinking?

[slaps brochures on counter]

Dr. John Becker:
Too hot. Too cold. Too stupid. Mexico? What's the point? In a few weeks, they'll all be up here.

[Margaret, Becker and Linda are debating who should take a stray cat found in the office to the vet]

Linda:
Well, I would, but I have to be downtown by 6, and I don't wanna be late for my best friend's wedding 'cause there's a real good chance she could go into labour.

Becker:
Well, fine, fine. Margaret, please?

Margaret:
Now, I would, but I've got a helpless animal of my own at home, and we are having dinner with his parents tonight.

Becker:
Fine. You know, fine. Like I don't have enough two-legged patients to take care of around here! Open up the ark, you know, let in all the animals! Between Mrs. Kramer's cataracts and Mr. Santiago's arthritis, I suppose I could fit in a grooming and the occasional flea dip. [under his breath to Linda] Actually, you know, some of our patients could use a good flea dip.

[After Jake inadvertantly reveals an erotic dream involving him and Reggie]

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!

Jake Malinak:
Oh God! Thanks a lot, John!

Dr. John Becker:
[chuckling] Couldn't resist!

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
What is it with guys and tearing clothes off!? Don't you ever dream of unbuttoning clothes and neatly folding them over a chair?

Jake Malinak:
Look Reg, I'm really sorry. It was just a dream!

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Ah, no big deal. But do me a favour: next time you have a dream about us, can it be somewhere exotic? Even in your dreams, I can't get out of this lousy diner!

Dr. Harvey Cohen:
By the way, what's the cat's name?

Dr. John Becker:
It doesn't have a name.

Dr. Harvey Cohen:
You must love him very much.

Dr. John Becker:
Fine! Put down Harvey Cohen.

Dr. Harvey Cohen:
You're naming the cat after me?

Dr. John Becker:
Why not? It'll be easy for you to give up on a Muffin or Mittens, but you might have to think twice before you pull the plug on Harvey Cohen.

[Becker is eating lunch in the diner]

Dr. John Becker:
What's with the toothpick? What are you, Neil Armstrong, claiming this burger in the name of all mankind?

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
It's a garnish! Sue me, I'm trying to give the place a lift!

Dr. John Becker:
Well if that's what you're after, why don't you try scraping the grime off the walls and emptying the dead bugs out of the light fixtures?

Jake Malinak:
I dunno, John, it kinda dresses things up! I like it!

Dr. John Becker:
Like it? You can't even see it! You didn't think of that, did you Reggie!? I mean, Jake here could put his eye out with one of these things, or I could puncture the roof of my mouth!

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
This puncture, would it shut you up for a couple of days!?

[Becker's cousin Barry has come into the diner]

Jake Malinak:
So you knew John as a kid?

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Let me ask you a question-

Barry Becker:
Exactly the same. He just bitched in a higher voice!

Becker:
This is why I hate coming to New Jersey! As far as I'm concerned, they should tear down the bridge and block both the tunnels!

Becker:
[honking at the car in front] Come on, come on! If you're gonna drive that slow, you shouldn't be on the road!

Margaret:
John, it's a hearse.

Becker:
Just because it's too late for him doesn't mean he has to ruin it for the rest of us.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[to Becker] Would a lucky day destroy your view of life as a bleak and punishing hell?

Jake Malinak:
Ah, took you a while Reg, but you finally figured him out!

Becker:
Why is it the good patients always die and the pain-in-the-asses go on and on?

Margaret:
Yeah, why is that?

Becker:
You gotta accept it, Jake; as soon as you get involved with a woman, it's only a matter of time before you're the next contestant on "Guess Why I'm Mad".

Jake:
Yeah, that's on right before "All I Do For You And This Is The Thanks I Get".