Bottom

Eddie:
That's right, me old cockaleeky-mate-flap-sparrow-Cockney-rhyming-bollocks!

Richie:
Don't touch my brick while I'm gone... I said "brick"! Not "penis"!

Richie:
: Ah, Monica. You were the first, and you'll be the last. You took my cherry... right off!

Richie:
: [laughs] Sit down Eddie... I've got some sad and tragic news [laughs]. I've got some sad and tragic news. [laughs]

Eddie:
: You don't look very upset about it. You looked a lot sadder than that in rehearsals. [to audience] It made me cry.

Richie:
JUST SIT DOWN! I've decided to kill myself, Eddie... because I'm so tragically in debt.

Eddie:
F***ing Hell! A line from the play!

Richie:
: Just SHUT UP and watch the play, right? (points to Eddie) You, leave me alone: we're never gonna get out of South-f***ing-hampton.

Eddie:
Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks?

Richie:
: Yes!

Eddie:
Well that's an unusual philosophical stance.

Richie:
: Yeah, I think I put my trousers on too quickly just now. But stick to the point, Eddie, I thought we were talking philosophy?

Eddie:
Well, we were, but your philosophy is bollocks!

Richie:
: So let's talk bollocks!

Eddie:
BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!

Richie:
: So let's do what we always do!

Eddie:
Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?

Eddie:
Alan Rickman eat your heart out! [towards Richie] And cue.

Richie:
: [Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?

Eddie:
[Laughs to himself] Yeah, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's good to be home!

Richie:
: Oh, Eddie, Eddie, you were born in Southampton? WOW! Why did you ever leave?

Eddie:
That was a bit below the belt. [thinks of a comeback] Because... I found the railway station!

Richie:
: [towards the audience] Stop f***ing clapping! [imitates them] Bastards! [towards someone in the front of the upper circle] Especially you! You oughtta f***ing jump!

Eddie:
That's no way to talk to my mother [towards the audience] Sorry Mum.

Richie:
Eddie, I understand you're trying to put a brave face on, but don't you think that that particular face was just a little bit too f***ing brave?!

Richie:
Eddie, I have good news and bad. there is some yoghurt, but if you want to eat you're gonna have to shave it first. Er, theres also a sausage, but it appears to have already been digested...twice. and theres also a rather unpleasant and completely useless piece of human excrement in there, but i think it might just be Graham Taylor.

Richie:
So, whats it going to be for breakfast this time, me old buster?

Eddie(from toilet):
I'll have a curry.

Richie:
No you bloody well won't! The last one you had has a half-life of five hundred years! We should have your rectum sealed in concrete and dumped in the north sea. now hurry up and eat your breakfast before Saddam Hussein gets a whiff of your bot and tries to dump you on the Kurds!

Eddie:
Righto!

Richie:
(breaking character, aside to door) Now you listen to me buster, you're just a door. I'm Rik f***ing Mayall! CLOSE!

Eddie:
I know what you're thinking, Parrot. You're thinking "How many shots did I fire, back there in Act 2 Scene 1?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement of of Richie forgetting most of his f***ing lines, I've kind of forgotten myself. So, Parrot, do you feel lucky? Come on, make my day!

Parrot:
You fired six you big fat bastard!

Eddie:
That's right!

Eddie:
But I f***ing RELOADED!

Richie:
(calling) Semtex! Ah...it's a heck of a snitching, Eddie. Almost dislocated me shoulder twice wheeling it down the corrid--

Richie:
Who f***ed up with this bloody thing!? BASTARDS!!! I'm on the f***ing television as well!

Eddie:
Right, that's it. I'm getting me dark glasses on and getting on a ferry to Belgium.

Richie:
No, no, no!! It's alright, it's alright. The cunts didn't notice!

Eddie:
The Queen?

Richie:
Yes, and stand up when you say that.

Eddie:
[stands up] The Queen?

Richie:
Yes, and kneel down when you say that.

Eddie:
[kneels down] It's no wonder why she's so f***ing unpopular.

Richie:
I don't believe it! We've won the Lottery!

Eddie:
[returns through the window] We've what?

Richie:
Oh you're back are you? Oh yes, one sniff of ginger and your knickers are around your ankles.

Eddie:
Still talking bollocks, that's my twat.

Richie:
Is it? What's it doing on my back? It'll make it all sticky!

Eddie:
Did I hear you say "We've won the Lottery"?

Richie:
Yes-yes! We've bloody-blimey, trousery-bra-ry, won the ruddy, flipping, nippley Lottery!

Eddie:
[incredulously] The "Hammersmith Bugle" Lottery?

Richie:
Yeah! Go on; phone them up, check the numbers! Oh God, I can't believe it, we've won the Lottery! [Eddie walks off to the phone and makes the call whilst Richie continues...] I wonder how much it is this week. [masturbates the ceiling post] Eighteen million? Twenty million? [realises what he is doing and stops] Shit! What will I do? What will I do?! I've got it: I'm going to employ a prositute. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do-oo it! I don't believe it; my wildest dream come true!

Eddie:
A-ha! [hangs up the phone]

Richie:
Well Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?

Eddie:
One pound.

Richie:
ONE BLODDY PPppppp... pound?

Eddie:
Yes, you see the flaw in our fiendish masterplan was that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who bought a f***ing Lottery ticket(!)

Richie:
One pound?

Eddie:
...ish. Yeah, you see after admin costs and a "donation to charity", we actually come out with 5p. And we've just spent 10p on the phonecall finding that out.

Richie:
So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?

Eddie:
That's correct, yes. Well done.

Richie:
Well, it's a result Eddie!

Eddie:
Yes! Yes! Yes, it's... it's a crap result!

Richie:
What were the charges again?

Eddie:
Attempted asphyxiation of the entire population of West London, detonation of 400lbs of Semtex under contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray, and wiggling our todgers at the Queen.

Richie:
So, its a first offense. I mean talk about Draconian!

Eddie:
I can't, I dunno what it means.

Richie:
Poor, Eddie - raped to death! Raped to death and then cast aside like some soggy tissue... Good! I hope they ruddy well hurt you up the garden path area, you little shit! You little monkey prick!... Bat shit features! No, I've got a really sweary one... Michael Portillo...(Eddie suddenly and unexpectedly punches Richie in the groin) AAAARRRRGGGH! My knob! MY KNOB! I THINK IT SNAPPED!

Eddie:
Hey, my Great Uncle was in the Great War

Richie:
What do mean 'Great War', there aren't any great wars, they were all frightful

Eddie:
Alright then he was in the crap war!

Richie:
Wow! The crap war! Far out! Which side was he on?

Eddie:
Both

Richie:
Wow!

Eddie:
Well it depended on which direction he was facing at the time y'know. Had a little bit of a drink problem. He took out a machine-gun nest single-handly you know!

Richie:
Did he?

Eddie:
Yeah...But they made him bring it back, he was trying to flog it to the Germans

Richie:
Hey, wasn't he the last bloke shot before the Armistice?

Eddie:
Yes, that's right. Just firing off a few rounds in celebration but... stupid twat had his gun the wrong way round. Oh, they don't make 'em like Great Uncle Susan any more.

Richie:
That's marvellous stuff Eddie, but, what the f***'s it got to do with anything?

Richie:
Welcome to sophisticated Oxford. (mimes masturbating and puts on an Oxford accent) "Have a wank, professor!" "May as well: the only other thing to do is catch a f***ing BUS!" (huge applause)

Eddie:
Are you finished now? Only, I'm beginning to see why Stephen Fry f***ed off. (huge applause and Richie kneels to bow to Eddie)

Richie:
Yes. Brambles. So, one bush or two?

Eddie:
I beg your pardon?

Richie:
God, it's just sex-sex-sex with you, isn't it?

Eddie:
What do you mean, I was just asking you to repeat the question!

Richie:
No you weren't! You were accusing me of accusing you of having three pubic thatches!!

Eddie:
WHEN? When was this?

Richie:
Just now you very well know, Lord Haw Haw! Honestly, I work my aching fingers to the bone to pep up your diet, (beat) to insert some jazz into your food!

Eddie:
(Deliberately) I beg your pardon!

Richie:
There you go again!

Eddie:
No, no! I just didn't hear what you said very well.

Richie:
Not true. Not true at all! You were accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!

Richie:
Why are you doing this? Why? Wh-hy? Wh-h-h-hy? You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? Yes! You're trying to send me round the twist. Your're trying to make me lose the plot.

Eddie:
Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we? (audience laughs)

Richie:
Very much so, young man. (starts corpsing) it's just-well-not-very well-f***.

Richie:
Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare.

Eddie:
They disappeared.

Richie:
Yeah, cos you threw them into the f***ing audience!

Eddie:
Hey, they reappeared.

Richie:
Yeah, they f***ing threw them back!

Richie:
We were not so much a two hour diversion than a twenty-four hour pitch battle in the main dining room area. We were awful.

Eddie:
Oh come on. We weren't that bad. We had a great name. 'The Great Arsehole and Norman'.

Richie:
[astonished] We weren't that bad, "Norman"?!

Richie:
Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.

Eddie:
Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?

Richie:
Wait, there's something written on the side.

Richie:
"Le Danger"..."Le Nuclear Bombe". Shit, it's all in French.

Richie:
You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? You're trying to send me round the twist. You're trying to make me lose the plot.

Eddie:
Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we?

Richie:
You stupid f***ing ring-sausage!

Eddie:
I see your point.

Richie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

Eddie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

Richie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

Eddie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down?

Eddie:
Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of knob gag Bermuda Triangle!

Richie:
Quick! Change routine! Change routine!

Eddie:
Oh look! Knackers!

Eddie:
All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still.

Richie:
How long for?

Eddie:
Until the end of time.

Richie:
Righto.

Eddie:
I'm also going to fleetingly return to the script, if that's all right with you.

Richie:
You thorough and total wank biscuit!

Eddie:
How did you actually catch this fish?

Richie:
I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no. I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water.

Eddie:
So it was dead already?

Richie:
Well it was on its way out, yes. It was coughing very violently, bringing up this extraordinary green bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills.

Eddie:
Was this in Bluffman's Cove?

Richie:
Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine.

Richie:
So when you ask me,

Richie:
"Uh, what's for breakfast?" I would say 'something a little unusual.

Eddie:
What, like a really crap impression of me? All of a sudden? 10 weeks into the tour? Just 'cos the cameras are on?

Richie:
Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.

Eddie:
Really, how does she feel?

Richie:
She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!

Richie:
Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, modern comedians do that joke.

Eddie:
Yeah, why's that?

Richie:
'Cos it's shit!

Eddie:
Well, how d'you know they're cannibals?

Richie:
Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway. They're cooking someone in a pot.

Eddie:
No, he's just having a bath, isn't he?

Richie:
What, with an onion up his bum?

Eddie:
He could be French.

Eddie:
ufasa retanga eranu uvavu

Richie:
Eddie, have you been stealing material again?

Richie:
Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing... like a script!

Eddie:
Well, we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't f***ing remember it.

Richie:
Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?

Eddie:
Angus Deayton.

Richie:
Angus Deayton, why?

Eddie:
Because he's got autocue.

Richie:
Oh yeah, lucky bastard.

Eddie:
Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you?

Richie:
[Over-dramatic] Oh, fate! Ohhh, nemesis!

Eddie:
Ohhhhhh, f***.

Richie:
Marooned! Maroooned! Marooooooooned! Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus.

Richie:
Hey Eddie, fancy a cocktail before bed? How 'bout a Bloody Mavis?

Eddie:
Now, that's the one that's made from gin, blood, and porcupine shit? Without the gin?

Richie:
Alright, how about a Coconut Surprise?

Eddie:
[Whining] Is that the one with Napalm?

Richie:
No! No! ...well, maybe a bit.

Richie:
Why are the Scots such arseholes, Eddie?

Eddie:
Do you mind? I happen to be part Scottish myself, you know!

Richie:
Really, Eddie? Which part?

Eddie:
My arsehole.

Richie:
What sort of bloke?

Eddie:
Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman.

Richie:
A what?

Eddie:
I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman.

Eddie:
F*** off, you paid.

Richie:
God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored.

Eddie:
We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!

Richie:
I think my theory holds water.

Eddie:
And what theory is that?

Richie:
That our diet has got something to do with what we eat.

Eddie:
I thought it was your pants that had something to do with what you'd eat.

Eddie:
Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half.

Richie:
HE was a volunteer.

Eddie:
No, no, HE was trying to stop the show.

Richie:
Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half!

Eddie:
Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together.

Richie:
Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache.

Eddie:
No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours!

Eddie:
Oh, I'm gone, man, solid gone.

Richie:
Eddie, will you stop this Disney shite? We're going to get sued to buggery quite apart from eaten to f***!

Richie:
Well it just goes to show there's no escape for us that way is there eddie? if we even think to take on the dangers of the-m-mighty pacific (pause)(the audience cheer)

Richie:
....Fish are f***ing frisky tonight! if we even think of taking on the mighty pacific (audience murmurs) i haven't finished yet! we'd almost certainly trip over a few little bits of wire (waits for audiences response which is dismal)

Eddie:
Yeeeees...or get a papercut

Richie:
Oh Eddie!

Eddie:
And whenever you can't remember you go OH EDDIE.

Richie:
Oh Eddie.

Eddie:
(turns to face Richie) Yes?

Richie:
(panicking) oooooohhhh Eddie...oh god...(relisation hits him)

Eddie:
(cutting off the audience) He probably hasn't got the right one.

Richie:
......F***!

Richie:
Behold the mighty Albatross! See it soar, watch it swoop...

Eddie:
Yes. Watch it circle, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the f***ing prop man sacked!

Richie:
That's lucky, that is!

Eddie:
Lucky you weren't standing over here?

Eddie:
Well, I'm glad I can amuse you all in my own humble little way. Welcome to sophisticated f***ing Bristol. (puts on a Bristol accent) "Ooh, it was f***in' great, f***in' seagull shat on 'is 'ead an' we all f***in' pissed ourselves!"

Eddie:
I hate this island so much I would rather be in Liverpool!

Richie:
Yes...

Eddie:
A scouser's in tonight. F*** off and steal something.

Eddie:
Yes and here they are, the completely wild knives... covered in wild albatross shit.

Eddie:
Yes, look how hard and steely they are. Look how very, very sharp...

Eddie:
Ooh f***in' hell!

Richie:
:

Richie:
Hello?

Eddie:
Hello!

Richie:
No not you!

Eddie:
Maybe I wasn't replying to you.

Richie:
So then, there really is someone else here?

Eddie:
Yeah I'm afraid so.

Richie:
Who is it?

Eddie:
Its me! Hello!

Richie:
Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom!

Eddie:
Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady F***!

Eddie:
Where did you get those?

Richie:
I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse!

Richie:
What was that thing he used to say?

Eddie:
Get off, Get off I'm not a sexual animal?

Richie:
No not that one the other thing?

Eddie:
Oi Richie get me another drink you overweight twat!

Richie:
That's the one.

Richie:
Is Dave attacking that Seagull?

Eddie:
Either that or he's shagging it.

Richie:
No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.

Eddie:
Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!

Richie:
Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?

Eddie:
Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.

Richie:
Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember?

Eddie:
Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.

Eddie:
Where's the bar?

Richie:
There's no bar!

Eddie:
WHAT!? No bar!? What the f*** happened there!? Wh...Wh-what the f*** happened there? What the f*** happened there!? What! The! F***! Happened there!? What the f*** f*** f*** f***ing f***ity f*** f*** f*** f***...f*** f*** f*** f***ing f*** f*** f*** f***ing happened there!? F***!!

Richie:
Language!

Eddie:
English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!

Richie:
What other options do we have? Let's explore our parameters?

Eddie:
You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit there's no corners to hide in!

Richie:
Just a little bit Eddie. Just a little touchy touchy it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch...Oh F***ing Homo!

Richie:
Do you know I went to Yoga? I did! If I'd got up to level twenty I might have been able to f*** myself. As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out. What I thought was a rather funky goatee beard turned out to be my pubic hair. I couldn't see it anyway though because I had two bollocks hanging in front of my eyes. I was in surgery three days, three whole days before the surgeons stopped giggling.

Richie:
Before you go say something nice.

Eddie:
Breasts!

Richie:
No.

Eddie:
Lager!

Richie:
No, something else.

Eddie:
I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and lager are the only nice things I know.

Richie:
Come on Eddie think of the money!

Eddie:
What? Are you getting paid?

Richie:
No, I don't get paid, it's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?

Eddie:
I knew I should have fixed those brakes.

Richie:
What did you say?

Eddie:
I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.

'Richie:
Yeah, he's getting far too old to play me.

Richie:
Who is that awful actor who plays you?

Eddie:
Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that ginger haired cunt is it?

Richie:
Who? Chris Evans?

Eddie:
Yeah.

Richie:
No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.

Richie:
So let me get this straight, we aren't in some dark, godless void on the edge of human misery?

Eddie:
No we're in Nottingham.

Richie:
Same thing isn't it?

Richie:
It's not our fault we have shit actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.

Eddie:
I thought you did.

Richie:
It was one of my great improvisations.

Eddie:
I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.

Richie:
It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?

Eddie:
What were you doing during the interval?

Richie:
Go on, slidle over to the front and... sidle (laughs) slidle over to the front...

Eddie:
You want me slidle over to the front?

Richie:
I often write while I'm on stage. It's a great new word I've invented "slidle".