Cheap Seats, Season 4

Jason:
Hey everybody welcome to Cheap Seats.

Randy:
What are you doing?

Jason:
What am I doing, what are you doing? You look like a star spangled idiot.

Randy:
Ah no I look like Evel Knievel and you were suppose to wear the costume too.

Jason:
Whoa ok no I never said I was going to wear a costume.

Randy:
Earlier today you said we were going to Knievel it up.

Jason:
Right, we're going to go out there Knievel it up get our dare on, go wild.

Randy:
When I hear someone say Knievel it up I assume that means put on a costume.

Jason:
Ok no. I have been Knieveling it up way longer than you have. Ok and if you want to Knievel it up like a master, you're going to have to remember one thing ok. Knieveling it up here, Knieveling it up here, Knieveling it up never here!.

Randy:
So what I'm I suppose to do now.

Jason:
Your're suppose to be Knieveling it up! God!

Jason:
Nothing gets a crowd more pumped for Daredevil action than three cars and a truck driving slower than your grandmother..on a jazzy!

'Randy:
Some call it a performance van.

Jason:
We call it Evel's future home.

Randy:
Why does Evel have a giant magic wand?

Jason:
No the question is how come we don't have magic wands?

Randy:
I know.

(wands magically appear in their hands)

Sklars:
Awesome!!!

(Guy comes into the picture)

Guy:
Here's those tapes you wanted

(Randy uses his wand to turn him into a plate of cookies.)

Randy:
Sweet!

Jason:
No Way!

Randy:
Let's see Dandy Don relax a plate of these.

Jason:
Hey gimmie a cookie.

Randy:
No.

Jason:
Give me a cookie.

Randy:
No.

Jason:
Give me a cookie!

(Randy uses his wand on Jason and turns him into a stuffed animal bar)

Jason:
Dude you're a dick.

Randy:
You're a dick.

Jason:
No you are.

Randy:
You are.

Jason:
You!

(Jason uses his wand on Randy and turns him into a magic wand)

Randy:
Dude you turned me into a magic wand.

Jason:
Yeah I did.

Randy:
Well which wand am I?

Jason:
I don't know!

Randy:
The handle bars in the back end of a motorcycle?

Jason:
Has Evel ever seen a motorcycle?

Jason:
Uhhh how about you come over here Cosell. I just jumped like ten buses while you sat on your fat as.

Randy:
Did Evel just say that his back splattered?

Jason:
It's your back Evel not a watermelon.

Jason:
Is he jumping over the stadium.

Randy:
Doesn't it sound like there's another motorcycle behind him.

Jason:
Damn you Fonzie!

Jason:
All he gets is one dollar. It Broadway Danny Rose he's agent?

Randy:
34? I would have said 64.

Evel:
Well you did what I did you'd be shaking to.

Jason:
What, age too quickly.

Randy:
This woman reminds me of someone.

Jason:
Shanda the dancing intern.

Randy:
No.

Jason:
Dickie Thon?

Randy:
Yes, yes thank you that was going to bother me all day.

Jason:
Shut up nerd.

Randy:
Such a shame.

Jason:
Ah what is.

Randy:
Evel, the man was at the peak of his career here and yet he died penniless.

Jason:
Uhh he's actually still alive and I'm pretty sure he's got some money.

Randy:
Maybe, but he could've had alot more money if he hadn't made that one business decision that was a little too daring.

Jason:
Which business decision?

Randy:
Knievel's Knishes.

Jason:
That's Jewish fast food that doesn't sound very daring.

Randy:
He opened seven locations in the Gaza Strip.

Jason:
uff.

Randy:
Four more in Takiron.

Jason:
Wow.

Randy:
And his opening one more in Damascus.

Jason:
Shut up!

Randy:
Do you care that Evel once beat a writer with a baseball because he didn't like what he wrote about him.

Jason:
Wow, not good to be that guy.

Randy:
No.

Jason:
Wait a minute should we be worried suddenly i do care.

Randy:
Relax Jay, he's dead and penniless now.

Jason:
He's not dead Ran.

Randy:
Alright, well what are the chances he's actually watching this show.

(Phone Rings)

Jason:
Hello, what I'm so sorry.

Randy:
Who's that?

Jason:
It was mom we forgot to get a birthday card for Gordon.

Randy:
Oh my god are we fucked!. Hey Shanda

(Shows Shanda dancing)

Randy:
What the hell am i doing, what the hell am I doing what the hell am I doing!! This was a mistake!

Jason:
He's got it, he's got it he's got it!! He's ehhhh. Is that blood?

Randy:
Usually everything happens so fast in Evel's life.

Jason:
Yeah he's got a lot time now to think about what went wrong here.

Randy:
Until he crashes into the rocks and dies.

Randy:
Land in the water. Land in the water.

Jason:
Boy you know it's serious when they're telling you his real name.

Jason:
I mean it wasn't my fault if that's what your saying no sir, I did my job right. I can't help it if he can't ride a dang rocket.

Jason:
Let's all run in random directions.

Jason:
He didn't do it you stupid idiot.

Jason:
Are they making Evel work the camera as well?

Jason:
Evel may have not nailed that jump but did you know that in 1999 he was inducted into the motorcycle Hall of Fame?

Randy:
I didn't even know there was a motorcycle Hall of Fame. Who else is in there?

Jason:
Relly Leak, Fonzie, Henry Winkler.

Randy:
Whoa whoa whoa isn't that the same guy.

Jason:
No Ran. I watched Fonzie. I love Fonzie. Kelly Leak you are no Fonzie!

(Phone rings)

Randy:
Hello.

Jason:
Who is it?

Randy:
uh huh. uh huh. Hold on. It's Kelly Leak.

Jason:
What does he want?

Randy:
He wants to play me at air hockey. If he wins I gotta go to a movie with him.

Jason:
What if you win?

Randy:
What if I win? I get the tip of his finger.

Jason:
Sweet.

Randy:
Your on (beep). I mean that in the best possible way.

Randy:
Hey everybody welcome back to Cheap Seats. Now the snake river canon jump was a big departure for Evel. It's like when Jordan played for the White Socks or when Shaq did did Kazaam or Blue Chips or tried to rap.

Jason:
But just like Jordan coming back to play for the Wizards. Evel eventually got to his bread and butter.

Randy:
Yelling at Kwame Brown.

Jason:
Yep and jumping buses on a motorcycle.

(Phone Rings)

Jason:
Yello.

Randy:
Who is it?

Jason:
It's Kwame Brown. Oh your mad yeah we don't care because your Kwame Brown Ha!

(Slams the phone down)

Randy:
I feel you were too nice to him.

Jason:
Really?

Randy:
Mmmhmm.

Randy:
Where's my rabbits foot Where's my rabbit's foot! Where the fuck is my rabbit's foot!

Jason:
They're making him hold his own mic.

Jason:
Meatloaf taking time out of his busy fantasy football schedule to record Evel's theme song.

Randy:
Remember when he jumped over a crying Thomas Hill?

Jason:
Well that's our show thanks for watching. Wait when did you put that outfit back on?

Randy:
During the Cheapies.

Jason:
But that was like twenty seconds ago.

Randy:
Yeah listen I wanna go back to something you said earlier on the show about Knieveling it up not being here. I totally disagree and I think you'll agree with me in about three seconds.

Jason:
Oh yeah why's that?

Randy:
Because BANG!

(Randy uses wand on Jason and Jason suddenly is wearing an 80's windbreaker and some fruity pants.)

Jason:
Come on!

Randy:
Because POW!

(Randy uses wand on Jason again and Jason is now wearing a doctor's clothing.)

Jason:
Randy

Randy:
Jesus you know what I think I actually got the price tag up on this one. Because Zim.

(Randy now turns Jason into Shanda the dancing intern.)

Randy:
No.. shoot what if I just Zooy!!

(Randy now puts Jason in a cop uniform)

Jason:
I'am not a cop.

Randy:
Knevely!

(Randy now puts Jason in a cookie uniform the one that a guy was wearing from when they were looking for their own mascot)

Jason:
Not cool Ran not cool!

Randy:
What dude I bought these wands at Costco they were on sale..

Jason:
Good I don't care!

Randy:
I have like a bunch of batteries like six hundred double A batteries. I'm sorry.

(Dramatic music builds)

Randy:
Are you feeling it Jay?

Jason:
Oh I'm feeling it...

Randy and Jason:
Frisbee montage yo!

Randy and Jason: (singing) Frisbee! Now I'm catching the frisbee, Frisbee! I just threw you the frisbee, Frisbee! Now I'm spiking the frisbee tonihihite...Frisbee!

Announcer:
(Ron Artest is shown) Here is Ron Artist...Not sure if I'm pronouncing that right.

Randy:
Don't worry, he's mellow.

Jason:
Land in the water. Sklars: Doh! Jason: Well I guess he's dead what else is on tv tonight?