Family Guy, Season 13

Bart:
Eat my shorts!

Stewie:
"Eat my shorts". I love that. Is that a popular expression like "what the deuce"?

Brian:
Probably more popular.

[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]

Peter:
That's pretty good, right?

Homer:
No.

Peter:
Huh?

Homer:
It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff!

Peter:
Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction.

Homer:
No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse!

Peter:
Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood!

Moe:
[takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. [Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath] Huh?!

Homer:
[gasps] IT IS DUFF! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own!

Peter:
Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great.

Homer:
[gasps] Duff is an ICON!

Peter:
Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years.

[Blue Haired Lawyer appears]

Blue Haired Lawyer:
Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement.

Homer:
Ah-ha! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that, Griffin?!

Peter:
D'oh!

Peter:
Come on, Joe. You can't be afraid, What if Bono had been afraid to wear sunglasses? Then nobody would know about Africa.

Lois:
Was someone wearing my new high heels?

Stewie:
You dick.

Stewie:
Lois! Lois! Mommy!

Brian:
Stewie, what's going on? You should be asleep by now.

Stewie:
I can't sleep, Brian. Where's the woman? I need her to read me a bedtime story.

Brian:
Oh, she's busy with the blood drive. Maybe I can help. [grabs a book] How about I read you this one? It's called "Apathetic George". [reads the book] "George used to be a curious monkey, but after a month in captivity, all he did was wait for food. The zoo people wanted him to mate, but he lost interest in that, too. Twenty years and millions of dollars in zoo revenue later, he died."

Stewie:
Okay, I've had enough.

Brian:
All right, you know what? I know something that will help you sleep. Wait here.

Stewie:
Well, I hope so, because I've tried everything. Counting sheep and thinking sleepy thoughts. I even hired the Sandman.

[Cutaway to the said guy throwing sand all over Stewie]

Peter:
Sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and good night!

Mosquito:
Hi, I'm the new nurse.

Peter:
Get outta here. The blood's not for you.

Mosquito:
Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again.

Brian:
[injured because of Peter's greed] Damn it, Peter! What the hell were you thinking?! This has to be the dumbest thing you've ever done!

Chris:
No, the dumbest thing I ever did was turn the bubbles off in a hot tub. [cut to the said incident] Yeah, party! [shuts off the bubbles] Eww, baths with friends.

Quagmire:
You are such a scumbag. You know, when you were poor, you were always a douche, but at least you came by it honestly. But now? Screwin' over the people who helped you?! I don't know how you sleep at night.

Brian:
[sighs] My God. You're right! I'm a jerk. I'm a selfish and pretentious jerk, and you're the only guy in town who's ever called me out on my crap. You know, I used to hate you for it, but now I think you're the only person who is trying to be my friend.

Quagmire:
No, I think you're misunderstanding me.

Brian:
No, I'm serious. Even though I know you never liked me, you still helped me when I needed it. That says a lot about your character. I'm ashamed of myself because I am none of the things you are. You're honest and direct and compassionate and... [his phone chimes] that is 72 hours! Enjoy your craphole, dumbass!

Quagmire:
[enraged] YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [picks up a lamp and bashes Brian with it, breaking all his teeth and knocking him to the ground]

[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]

Brian:
Peter, what the hell?! You chose a turkey over me?! I almost died!

Peter:
I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater.

Joe:
Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs?

Peter:
Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.

Jesus:
Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended.

Peter:
What lesson?

Jesus:
Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation.

Lois:
Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.

Jesus:
Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done...

Peter:
Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.

Jesus:
Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas.

Rupert the Teddy Bear:
Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight!

1st German Soldier:
Heil Hooters!

Otto:
Careful, it might be a "booby-trap".

Brian:
I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off as a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby.

Stewie:
Hey! We have fun.

Brian:
Well, there's only one thing we can do: shrink down to microscopic size, enter Brian's brain and destroy the tumor from within. [Peter grabs a shrink ray and reduces himself down to microscopic size, but then resizes four seconds later] I was raped by a bug.

[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]

Stewie:
Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right.

Brian:
What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back?

Stewie:
How about I take the head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes?

Brian:
Okay, you can have those.

Stewie:
You just gave away the store mister.

Meg:
All right. See you later.

Lois:
Where are you off to?

Meg:
Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him.

[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]

Peter:
[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois] Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective.

Lois:
Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your ears off?

Peter:
It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. [Collapses]

Judge:
I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison!

[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]

Female Voice:
Oh no you don't!

[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]

Quagmire:
Mom?

All the men in the courtroom, except for the main characters:
Crystal?

Mayor West:
Hah! She's enjoyed many men.

Peter:
[singing through microphone after waiting long about throwing up in the sink] Out here in the fields… You know, that was me. I was the one who threw up in the sink.

Lois:
Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just...

Chris:
It's made of Skittles! Do you want to eat the baby together on the way home?

Lois:
Yeah, I'd like that.

Peter:
Now, what are the ingredients of a viral internet video?

Joe:
Cats.

Peter:
Remember how everyone liked that video of the monkey performing a sex act on that frog at the zoo?

Joe:
You mean that frog?

Peter:
What?

Joe:
The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox.

[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to Bon Jovi's You Give Love A Bad Name while a group of male monkeys looks on]

Peter:
[filming on his phone] Bingo.

Joe:
[with a worried expression] I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes.

[Peter takes Lois golfing]

Lois:
So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond?

Peter:
No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.

Lois:
But you hit it into the water.

Peter:
[exasperated] I know I hit it into the water.

Lois:
But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there?

Peter:
BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! [growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]

Lois:
Look! It went further than your ball!

[Lois and Cleveland finish a therapy session and return to the lobby where Peter is waiting]

Peter:
Get all of her squawking out, doc?

Cleveland:
Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem. Didn't we, Lois?

Lois:
Absolutely.

Peter:
Alright! Let's dope her up good. Turn that mouth off.

TSA Agent:
There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us.

Meg:
What? What does that even mean?

TSA Agent:
It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend.

Meg:
You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy.

Joe:
Peter, be careful up there.

[Peter flips Joe the bird]

Peter:
Is this being careful enough, Joe?

[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]

Peter:
[to Quagmire and Cleveland] Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this!

TV Announcer:
We now return to yet another Indiana Jones movie.

Indiana Jones:
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Snake:
Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?

Brian:
Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm?

Lois:
Brian, are you feeling all right?

Brian:
Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly)

Lois:
Oh, my God!

Peter:
Oh, Lois, your dog threw up.

Lois:
Peter, Brian's not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet.

Meg:
Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night.

Peter:
Good start. Keep it up, snack pack.

Brian:
(chuckles) (retching loudly)

Lois:
Peter, you got to take him now!

Brian:
Lois, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line.

Peter:
Alright, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet.

Brian:
Uh, yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we normally roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me?

Peter:
Yeah, I guess.

Quagmire:
But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas?

Lois:
Peter, you're loud. You can't hold down a job. You got high blood pressure. You could be black if you didn't have a tiny ding-a-ling!

[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]

Stewie:
Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do. I know what she should do: get your tubes tied, ya kook!

(Chris dresses as Mrs. Potato Head to lure Liam Neeson out, but ends up getting the attention of Colin Farrell, who pushes him down and rapes him)

Miss Tammy:
(as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented): The back is all mashed potatoes now.

(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")

Lois:
I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me.

Peter:
Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm.

Lois:
I feel like you should help out more around the house.

Cleveland:
I feel salty and sweet. (to the counselor): You got white-chocolate French fries?

Kimi:
I feel like my cervix hurts.

Quagmire (smiles):
I feel pride.

Counselor:
Peter, when is Lois' birthday?

Peter:
Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday?

Counselor:
April 20th.

Peter:
Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes.

Counselor:
Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?

Joe:
Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food.

Counselor:
Cleveland-

Cleveland:
Pass.

Counselor:
Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes?

Quagmire:
Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question?