Family Guy, Season 1

Stewie:
Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Lois:
Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he had ever seen.

Stewie:
But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!

Peter:
Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.

Lois:
Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?

[cutaway to a priest giving a sermon at church]

Priest:
And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...

God:
[sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.

Priest:
...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.

Peter:
[He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ?

Priest:
Yes.

Peter:
Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?

[cut back to the kitchen]

Lois:
And then there was that time at the ice cream store...

[cutaway to the family at an ice cream store]

Peter:
Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks and passes out immediately]

[cut back to the kitchen]

Brian:
And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?

[cutaway to a movie theater. Everyone is sobbing, except for Peter who stares blankly, then claps his hands]

Peter:
I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch!

Hanks:
[on screen] I have AIDS.

[Peter laughing]

Stewie:
[playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!

Phone:
Do you know what sound a cow makes?

Stewie:
Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?

Phone:
Can you count to three?

Stewie:
Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli]

Stewie:
Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!

Lois:
My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.

Stewie:
Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?

Lois:
Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.

Stewie:
Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

[in Lois' womb]

Stewie:
[in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.

Peter:
[after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

Soccer Mom:
That's the tenth time today! Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!

Peter:
Hey, hey, hey, easy, fella, that's my kid! Now apologize.

Soccer Mom:
Okay, I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinkin' blue cheese [As he knocks the can of beer out of Peter's hand] fat ass!

Peter:
Alright, that's it! [He punches Soccer Dad and everyone gasps]

Chris:
Way to go, Dad!

Boy:
Hey, you hit my mom!

Peter:
No, I hit your dad.

Man:
Whoa! Stand back! Give her some air!

Peter:
You mean, give "him" some air.

Woman:
Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!

Peter:
You...you mean, "he's" going into labor... [sound of baby wailing] Whoops.

Stewie:
Shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Brian:
Gee, I would love to help you, Peter, but I gotta go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Meg:
So, do you like music?

Kevin:
Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?

Meg:
Uh, you first.

Kevin:
I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.

[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]

Peter:
Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.

[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]

WASP Father:
My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.

WASP Mother:
Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.

WASP Father:
[after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

Stewie:
Stupid greedy savages.

Peter:
Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.

Stewie:
Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.

Meg:
Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?

Peter:
Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks!

[Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy]

Trebek:
[reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.

Peter:
[rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?

[after seeing the news about the heat wave]

Chris:
[about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!

Lois:
Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.