Family Guy, Season 2

Peter:
Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.

Brian:
Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with a polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.

Peter:
It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?

Brian:
Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the hell of it, let's try again.

Peter:
[returns home] Lois, put the coffee on!

Lois:
Careful! I just cleaned the floor.

Peter:
Good thing. Huh? [laughs]

[the Pope kisses the floor, smacks his lips, and smiles]

Pope:
Lemony!

[Lois, shocked at the sight of his Holiness, drops a dish]

Lois:
Your Holiness, this is such an honor! Please, go into the living room, and make yourself at home!

Francis:
[shocked at the sight of the Pope] Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father! [kneels before his Holiness] I am not worthy.

Ernie:
Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!

Peter:
NO! [runs over to Trix Rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Ernie] I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Brian:
...besides, this place is paradise.

Old Man:
Sure is, except for Randy Newman.

Peter:
Randy Newman?

Man:
Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.

Newman:
[sings and plays piano] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!

Lois:
Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.

Newman:
[sings] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ....She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!

Lois:
[whispers] Let's get the hell out of here.

Newman:
[sings] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]

Barker:
Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

Brian:
Oh, just die already.

[Meg enters the room and sees a wet stain on the rug]

Meg:
EWW! Mom! Stewie peed on the rug again!

Brian:
NO!

Indian Child:
Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?

Stewie:
Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.

Indian Child:
Li, would your people really do this?

Stewie:
Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who will in turn sell them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?

[Children crying and when Peter falls through the chimney]

Stewie:
Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils!

Peter:
Oh, hey, kids. I'm Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas.

Indian Child:
But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.

African Child:
Don't be stupid! Santa is black!

Indian Child:
Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.

Li:
Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian!

Pablo:
How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan!

Peter:
Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, Stewie!

[Death has a flashback of his teen years when he and his old girlfriend made out in his car; the car rocks]

Death:
Oh, Sandy! Oh, Sandy. Ohh...

[the car stops rocking, all of a sudden; Sandy is silent]

Death:
Sandy? Oh, not again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever! [pause] Or am I?

[he resumes making out with her, and the car begins to rock again]

[the cast of Dawson's Creek catches Peter (as Death) in the cockpit after he knocked out the pilots]

Van Der Beek:
Nice goin', fat!

Peter:
Hey, I was just tryin' to save your lives!

Lois:
Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.

Peter:
That's not true. I wrote The Bonfire of the Vanities.

Lois:
No, you didn't!

Peter:
You win this round, Lois.

Lois:
You're not being creative! You're just destroying a wonderful show!

Peter:
Hey, hey. I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00am.

Lois:
The only thing you create before 9:00am is exactly what you've turned my show into!

Peter:
I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] [laughs] I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

Stewie:
[to Peter] You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Woman 1:
Boy, that lotion sure feels good.

Woman 2:
Sure is hot. [removes her top]

Woman 1:
And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]

Announcer:
Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

Lois:
Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

Peter:
Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

Chef:
[sings as he comes out of the kitchen with...] 10 banana cream pies!

[Lois and Ironbox, still in their catfight, slam into him, and he drops the pies]

Peter:
There's gotta be an explanation for all this!

Brian:
You want an explanation? [smacks Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!

Peter:
I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.

Brian:
Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?

Peter:
...Oh yeah.

Lois:
We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.

Peter:
Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.

Lois:
Peter!

Peter:
I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.

[he points to said man in front of the lockers]

Majors:
What? Women are things.

Mr. Fargas:
Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect...

[he wheels in a stretcher, and exposes...]

Mr. Fargas:
A clown!

[the students, including Peter, gasp, and Mr. Fargas cuts the tissue with his scalpel and looks inside the clown with a strange look on his face]

Mr. Fargas:
Well, no wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with... [extracts from the clown...] CANDY!!

[he tosses the candy to his cheering students]

[through Peter's eyes, which are blindfolded]

Lois:
Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.

Peter:
Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.

[he is actually driving blind]

Lois:
Then at least let me drive!

Peter:
Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] [laughs] that's adorable!

Peter:
[making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.

[cut to Hell; the Devil gets a message instantly]

Devil:
Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.

Assistant:
Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.

Devil:
Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]

Fisherman:
[after Chris fails to dunk him into the tank] Ha! Boy, you throw like a fish wife. C'mon, ya hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!

Peter:
Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?

Chris:
[lividly] NO WAY!!

[he throws his last ball at the target, and it hits, sending the fisherman into the shark-infested tank]

Fisherman:
Oh, for the love of Pete!

[a shark eats him]

Stewie:
What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?!? [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!

[cut to Stewie's room, where later, Stewie sits casually in a chair, doing a "confessional" to the camera]

Stewie:
Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I do. I have no problem. It's just, there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her. It's just-- I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?

Man in Airport:
Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?

Stewie:
Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? [man covers mouth, embarrassed]

Stewie:
Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...oh, yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! [sighs] Only one thing to do. [dials number] 111-1111. Lois? Damn! [dials again] 111-1112. Lois? DAMN! [dials again] 111-1113.

Lois:
Now don't try and pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.

Chris:
Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled my other sister?

Lois:
[nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.

Chris:
But I remember it so clear-

Peter and Lois:
[loudly] It was a dream!

Child on television:
Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Prison?

[jail door closes]

Voiceover:
Just one.

Brian:
[eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.

Stewie:
HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."

Brian:
Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

Stewie:
AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!

Brian:
AHA! Thank you for proving my point.

Stewie:
DAMN!

Janet:
Hi! Cookie?

Stewie:
No, no, actually it's Stewie, but...well, well, you can call me "Cookie" if you like. [chuckles nervously] Yes, I, yes, yes, I've also been known to answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald," and "Snake." Yes, yes, I-I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin... [wiggles his tongue like a snake]

Peter:
Lois has had the car all week, and it's just been hell gettin' around. I actually had to rent a mustang.

[cut to Peter riding a horse instead of the car. He stops at a gas station and grabs a gas nozzle. He looks for a slot to fill with gas, but can't find any. He then slowly lifts the tail and moves the nozzle towards the anus]

Don:
I have asked you in here tonight so that you may perform a service.

Peter:
What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

[Peter has gotten liposuction]

Stewie:
My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

Meg:
Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?

Chris:
Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.

Meg:
Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!

Chris:
Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.

Meg:
I don't have a mustache...do I?

Lois:
Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.

Meg:
But, Mom!

Lois:
Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

[cut to an extremely overweight Stewie sitting on the front doorstep]

Stewie:
Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in Hell... [falls asleep]

[while Lois is home-schooling the kids, Chris passes a note to Meg]

Lois:
Chris, is that a note?

Chris:
...No.

Lois:
Yes, it is. Would you like to read it for the rest of the class?

Chris:
...No!

Meg:
Just read it, lardo.

Chris:
[reading the note] I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.

Lois:
Go to your room.

Chris:
Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.

Peter:
Oh yeah? Him and what army?

Chris:
The U.S. Army. [points to tanks and soldiers on the other side of the fence]

Peter:
Oh, that's a good army.

Lois:
Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.

Stewie:
Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells?

West:
"Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. Oh, and uh, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. [goes to wash his hands]

Meg:
Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...

West:
My God! Somebody's stealing my water!

Meg:
It just went down the drain.

West:
They're crafty, I tell you. [waters a plant] It happens when you least expect it. [to the plant] Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!

Meg:
You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. [leaves]

West:
Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.

Lois:
You're drunk again!

Peter:
No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Lois:
Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!

Peter:
That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Quagmire:
The only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!

Stripper:
How old are you?

Chris:
Old enough to know you're a whore.