Flight of the Conchords, Series 2

Jemaine:
Women love weaving, they love to weave.

Bret:
No, weaving is a man's game.

Jemaine:
Bret, you put a woman in front of weaving machine and just watch her go.

Bret:
No, honestly, my Dad weaves, my grandfather was a weaver... I come from a family of weavers.

Jemaine:
I've never seen a man weave.

Bret:
I love weaving. I'm weaving at the moment, making a pair of trousers.

Murray:
Bret, could you get a pencil out of my stationery cabinet, please?

Bret:
Where's that?

Murray:
Just the glove box.

Bret:
It's ringing.

Jemaine:
Oh, no, not me. I'm a pushover.

Bret:
No.

Jemaine:
I'll just agree to everything.

Bret:
You're good. It's ringing.

[[Jemaine shoots Bret a dirty look and answers the phone]

Jemaine:
Hello? Yes, I'm calling on behalf of my band... Uh, there's two of us... Non-smoking... Cool, yeah... Um... Yeah, 8:30's fine... [to Bret] Herbert... 8:30... [to the phone] Thank you, yes, I'm looking forward to it. Thank you.

Bret:
Sweet.

Jemaine:
No, I just made a reservation for two at 8:30. You should call, I think.

[[Bret dials the phone]

Bret:
[to Jemaine] No-one can understand me. [to the person over the phone] Hi, I'm wondering if you have any gigs available?... Wondering if you have any gigs available?... Gigs. Gigs. For a band?... Yeah... A band. We're a band. A band?... Yeah. Uh... A- a bowl of tuna salad?... Great, okay, um... it's Bret. B... [He pronounces "r" as "ah"] R... R... R... R!... R!!!...

Jemaine:
[quietly] There's too many "r" s...

Bret:
R- Ah-rr... E-T. Yes... That's... OK, that's good.

Jemaine:
[quietly] And Jemaine...

Bret:
Yes, Jemaine is the other guy. Jemaine. Jemaine. Ah, don't- don't worry, just- just use my name... You'll meet him tonight.

Jemaine:
[Leans over to look at Bret's cup] What's that?

Bret:
It's a cup.

Jemaine:
What, a new cup?

Bret:
Yeah. I got a new cup. Do you like it?

Jemaine:
We've got a cup.

Bret:
I know, we've got one cup. We needed two cups.

Jemaine:
Why would we need two cups?

Bret:
So I can have a cup of tea at the same time as you.

Jemaine:
Bret, do you even pay any attention to the cup roster?

Bret:
Your cup roster? That means I can't drink a cup of tea between seven and nine P.M.

Jemaine:
Well, I have it until nine o'clock and then you get it for two hours. Then I use it from eleven 'till one... Then you use it from one 'till three—

Bret:
I know, but I have to wait until one if I want another cup.

Jemaine:
...And then we give the cup a rest.

Bret:
...It was only $2.79.

Jemaine:
$2.79?

Bret:
Yeah, I thought that was quite good.

Jemaine:
[sighs] Okay, well, I just need a second to calm down.

Bret:
...Well that's alright, isn't it?

Jemaine:
I suppose...

[One Month Later]

Jemaine:
Bret... Bret!

Bret:
[playing guitar] Uh-huh?

Jemaine:
Our check for the phone bill bounced. Says here, in our bank statement, that our account was short... By $2... and 79 cents... How much was that cup again?

Bret:
2.79.

Jemaine:
[smugly] Oh? That's quite interesting, isn't it? ...Well, because our check bounced we got charged a $30 overdraft fee. Which made our gas bill bounce.

Bret:
Yep, that's boring, man.

Jemaine:
Yes, but the point is because of your $2.79 spending spree, we now owe $60, and our phone and gas are gonna be cut off.

Bret:
[sarcastically] Interesting.

[All of the lights go out]

Bret:
Ah. We got a letter from the electricity company.

Jemaine:
What did it say...?

Bret:
...I didn't read it.

Murray:
Bret, you should have a guitar.

Bret:
I sold it to pay the bills.

Murray:
You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the big guitar that Jemaine plays?

Jemaine:
Bass. It's called a bass guitar.

Murray:
Well, I call it the '"Dad guitar" 'cause it's more like [deep voice] "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's "Mum guitar" to add the beautiful tones. [high voice] "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" [deep voice] "I was just havin' a few beers."

Bret:
It'll sound fine.

Murray:
It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! [Bret plays his air guitar] I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.

Jemaine:
It's dark, Bret.

Bret:
Yeah, I know.

Jemaine:
What expression is on your face?

Bret:
Umm. Guilty expression. What expression is on your face?

Jemaine:
Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied because I was right about the cup.

Bret:
That's a weird expression.

[Murray has told the band that their lack of a guitar has given them bad reviews]

Bret:
Can we use the emergency band funds to get my guitar back?

Murray:
Well that's... Actually tied up in an investment at the moment.

Jemaine:
What's this investment?

Murray:
It's a friend of mine from Nigeria, Nigel Soladu.

Jemaine:
When did you go to Nigeria?

Murray:
Well, I didn't go. That's the best bit, Jemaine. He just randomly sent me an internet letter, offering me a business opportunity. And I went with it. In a few days time, he'll return the money I invested, plus 1000% interest [Bret and Jemaine shake their heads in disbelief] and a share in his family fortunes.

Jemaine:
It's a scam.

Murray:
[Outraged] It is not a scam! Why would someone want to scam me, Jemaine!? And on the internet service, one of the trusted... things of today's society!

[Brett has informed Murray that Jemaine is prostituting himself. A middle-aged African gentleman in a suit, who has been sitting quietly behind Murray the the entire time, tuts disapprovingly]

Murray:
Jemaine shouldn't be doing this.

Man:
Indeed, he should not.

Bret:
Well... [to Murray] Murray, who's... who's this guy?

Murray:
Oh, this is Nigel Soladu. He's my new business partner.

Bret:
[Surprised] From the internet?

Murray:
Yes! Can you imagine it? Out of the hundreds of people using he internet, only I was willing to help him.

Mel:
Oh, you're like a samurai, like a massage samurai.

Jemaine:
I'm just patting you.

Mel:
Oh I feel like I've hired a gigolo. Haha! I'm just kidding I would never hire— I mean I would. [turns to jemaine] I would, I would pay you so much money... That's not who I am, that's not what I'm about. Heh, I'm joking. I'm not. I am. I'm not.

Murray:
Oh, I've got another note here. "Dissing" — does that make any sense to you?

Jemaine:
Bret dissed a lot of people in that rap thing that he did.

Murray:
Who were these people you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy! What's your problem with him?

Bret:
No, Snoop Dogg.

Murray:
Yeah, I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out every once in a while. But, Snoopy's lovable! Leave him alone.

Bret:
No, he's a rapper. They're all rappers. I was dissing rappers.

Murray:
Well, just keep your dissing private, okay?

Mel:
[about her hideous painting of Jemaine] You should hang it on your wall so you can see how big and powerful you are, like Ra - the sun god Ra. You're like a pharaoh.

Jemaine:
I'm not as muscly as that.

Doug:
Yeah, that's what I said.

Mel:
Be quiet, Doug!

Jemaine:
Yeah, be quiet, Doug.

Jemaine:
Bret?... Bret?... Bret?... Bret!

[Bret wakes with a start and sits bolt upright, hands ready to karate chop someone]

Bret:
Please don't chop off my penis!

Johnny Boy:
Did that nosebleed put you up to this? [Jemaine cringes] I'll wring his scrawny neck!

Bret:
[Phone rings] Hello. Bret speaking.

Jemaine:
Bret, it's Jemaine speaking.

Bret:
Oh, hey, man. Where are you? Did you run away?

Jemaine:
No, I went home with a girl.

Bret:
What?

Jemaine:
Bret... I think she might be Australian.

Bret:
Are you sure she's Australian?

Jemaine:
Either she's Australian, or sh-she really likes Australia.

Bret:
Ugh! You gotta get outta there! Just get outta there!

Jemaine:
I-I'm locked in, she's trapped me.

Bret:
I'm not surprised... Okay, erm... Keep calm, jump out of the window.

Jemaine:
Good idea... Oh, it's too high!

Bret:
Okay, well do one of those dive rolls... When you land.

Jemaine:
Okay, I'll try.

Aussie girl:
[strong Aussie accent] G'day.

Jemaine:
Oh... Hey...

Aussie girl:
Jesus... Got a tongue like a badger's arsehole. What'cha doing there, big J?

Jemaine:
Just talking to a friend of mine.

Bret:
[over the phone] Don't talk to her! She's definitely Australian...

Jemaine:
I'm not sure I got your name.

Aussie girl:
It's Keitha.

Jemaine:
... Pardon?

Keitha:
Keitha.

Jemaine:
[confused] Keitha?

Keitha:
Yeah, it's like Keith. But with an 'a' at the end. I was named after mi'dad.

Jemaine:
Umm...

Bret:
She's got a man's name!

Jemaine:
Keitha, that's a lovely name...

Keitha:
So, how about we go back to bed?

Bret:
Definitely don't do that!

Jemaine:
Uhm... [Exhales deeply] ...No, I can't.

Keitha:
[Disappointed] Oh.

Jemaine:
Would you be able to... unlock the door?

Bret:
I would never go out with an Australian!

Jemaine:
But if you were to, I would be fine with it.

Bret:
When I first met you you tried to have me deported from New Zealand because you thought I was an Australian.

Jemaine:
That was a misunderstanding; you were wearing a vest top.

Bret:
My mum gave me that; thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.

Jemaine:
Well it didn't, it made you look like an Australian.

Bret:
Did she sound Australian? Australian accent?

Jemaine:
Yes, yes.

Bret:
What did it sound like?

Jemaine:
Kind of like an evil version of our accent.

[Speaking about Jemaine and Keitha the night before]

Bret:
Did you use protection?

Jemaine:
Yes, but only on my penis.

Keitha:
[Strong Aussie accent] Mum says I sound like Marilyn Monroe.

Murray:
[To Bret] Did you catch that?

Keitha:
What? Are you deaf? Marilyn Monroe.

Murray:
Oh, Marilyn Monroe.

Keitha:
Yeah.

Bret:
What about her?

Keitha:
I talk like her now!

Jemaine:
She sounds like her.

Murray:
Yeah, she does a bit.

Keitha:
[annoyed] I talk like her now...

Murray:
Yeah, I suppose if you squint your ears...

Dave:
Okay, they're gone.

Jemaine:
Thank you, Dave.

Dave:
Yeah, don't worry about it, guys. I just think it's really cool that you love each other, even though you're from Austria and you're from some place no one's even fucking heard of.

Keitha:
Australia.

Jemaine:
New Zealand.

Dave:
Exactly. Because it shouldn't matter where you're from when love's involved. It's like that movie "Interracial Hole Stretchers 2" — she was white; they were black. But it didn't matter in the end, did it? Because they were in love.

Jemaine:
I haven't... I haven't seen that one.

Dave:
Well, it really affected me.

[singing]

Bret:
Send a cheque in a letter to make a Setter feel better.

Jemaine:
Come on, make a donation to save a shakin' Dalmatian.

Bret:
So, Brahbrah, how long has Charlie been gone?

Brahbrah:
Six years.

Brahbrah:
I thought you guys were gay.

Murray:
We've still got the barbecue to look forward to.

Prime Minister:
Yeah, I was thinking about that, Murray; a barbecue's a little bit old-fashioned, don't you think? What about a fondue party instead?

Murray:
Yes!

Prime Minister:
Yes, I mean I've got the cheese covered. [pulls single block of cheese from suitcase]

Murray:
Nice.

Prime Minister:
What could you bring, Murray, the salads perhaps?

Murray:
Definitely.

Prime Minister:
Bret, what can you bring?

Bret:
I could make half a dozen croutons.

Prime Minister:
Half a dozen, do you think you could go higher than half a dozen?

Bret:
Nine hundred.

Murray:
They'd have to be very small, almost like crumbs.

Prime Minister:
Nine hundred, I think that's too many; try and split the difference, try and come down from nine hundred but up from six or seven.

Bret:
I could probably make fifty croutons if you like.

Prime Minister:
Excellent, excellent idea. You're showing promise, young man.

Murray:
Alright, [makes note in pad] Bret's shown promise.

Jemaine:
Bret, are you rehearsing Paul Simon's solo stuff?

Bret:
... No.

Bret:
I've got a girlfriend.

Dave:
No!

Bret:
Well, no. Not really a girlfriend. She doesn't know I exist.

Dave:
But you do, you do exist, don't you? [pokes Bret]

Bret:
Yeah, I exist.

Dave:
'Cause you guys said you didn't exist before.

Jemaine:
Yeah, we exist.

Dave:
Why did you tell me you were from Never Neverland?

Jemaine:
New Zealand.

Dave:
But you said you guys flew here!

Jemaine:
On a plane. On a plane, Dave.