Friends, Season 4

[Ross, Chandler and Joey are at Central Perk, talking about Rachel's 18-page letter.]

Ross:
She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went went wrong in our relationship! She goes on for five pages about how I was "unfaithful" to her! WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Chandler:
If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!

Ross:
Fine! But this breakup was not all my fault. And at then she goes, "If you accept full responsibility-full responsibility-I can begin to trust you again. Does that sound like something you can do? Does it?

Joey:
No...

Chandler:
Look, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel! If you bring this up, you'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Ross:
You're right... Okay, I'll let it go. But you realize how hard it is to forget about it!

Joey:
Sure it's hard! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that beach trip that we should [turns to Chandler] never EVER talk about!

Ross:
What the hell happened on that beach?!

Joey:
It's between us and the sea, Ross!

Ross:
And for the record, it took two people to break this relationship!

Rachel:
Yeah! You and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!

Ross:
I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! I didn't finish the letter!

Rachel:
What?

Ross:
I fell asleep!

Rachel:
You fell a-SLEEP?!

Ross:
It was five-thirty in the morning! And you had rambled on for eighteen pages! Front and back! [leaves the room, then turns around] And by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e is "you are". Y-o-u-r is "your"!

Rachel:
I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you! We are soooo over!

Ross:
[fakes beginning of sniveling and interrupts it saying...] FINE BY ME!

Rachel:
And those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're home on Saturday nights playing scrabble with Monica!

Monica:
Hey!

Rachel:
Sorry! But I feel bad about all that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!

Ross:
Oh, no, don't worry about me "falling asleep." I still have your letter! [walks out]

Rachel:
And, hey, just so you know - it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal! [slams door, revealing Chandler behind it]

Chandler:
I knew it!

Rachel:
Wow, they really got you guys, your T.V., the chairs...

Phoebe:
Yeah. Your microwave, the stereo...

Joey:
Aw, man! He took the five of spades! 
[looks through deck] 
Oh no, no, here it is.

Joey:
[reffering to the guy that just robbed them] You know what I'm going to do next time I see that guy?

Chandler:
Bend over?!

[Monica has just walked in on Joey and Chandler's apartment freshly robbed because of a stupid move by Joey]

Monica:
What happened?

Chandler:
Well, let's see, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed.

Joanna:
What are you doing?

Chandler:
I'm getting dressed.

Joanna:
Why?

Chandler:
When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

[Joanna runs into her fawning assistant Sophie.]

Sophie:
Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!

Joanna:
Oh, great! I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.

Joey:
Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out! This wasn't their fault, it was mine.

Mr. Treeger:
You want me to kick you guys out instead?

Joey:
No, you can't do that. Where would the chick and the duck live?

Mr. Treeger:
You have pets?

Joey:
No-no-no-no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.

Mr. Treeger:
Huh... I would've thought it was the other way around.

Mr. Treeger:
Hey, Duck. Is Chick here?

Chandler:
Yeah... bunny... rabbit.

Joey:
What the hell was that?

Chandler:
What?

Joey:
Kathy was being nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal.

Chandler:
What do you want from me?

Joey:
I want you to like her! But if that's too damn difficult for you, then the least you could do is pretend!

Chandler:
I AM pretending.

Joey:
Well, then do it better.

Chandler:
Okay, uh, what do you say I go over there and tell her how much I like her? [Joey gives Chandler a thumbs-up.] No, no, it'll be good. I can tell her how much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment we met. That I'm so fantastically over-the-top want-to-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!

Joey:
Well, that's pretty good, but you wanna tone it down a little.

Rachel:
You know what else is really great about him? Oh, what is the word for an adult who doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?

Ross:
Oh... [knocks his fists together at Rachel]

Rachel:
What was that?

Ross:
Monica knows.

Monica:
It's this dumb thing that Ross made up just to try to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger without actually having to give it. [to Ross] I remember I cried the night you made that up. It was the first time I realized I was cooler than my big brother.

Ross:
Well, I'm gonna go get ready... [knocks his fists at Monica]

[Ross and Cheryl are at her apartment.]

Cheryl:
Would you like to come in?

Ross:
Did homo erectus hunt with wooden tools?

Cheryl:
According to recent findings!

Joey:
Her place was really that bad?

Ross:
You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Well, like that - only, instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time and garbage is all that has survived!

Chandler:
Look, I just think it's time for you to settle down, you know? Make a choice, pick a lane!

Joey:
Who's Elaine?

Joey:
And what? Did you sleep with her?

Chandler:
No! No, I just kissed her.

Joey:
What?! That's even worse!

Chandler:
...How is that worse?!

Joey:
I don't know, but it's the same!

Chandler:
Look, Joey, I'm sorry, but I couldn't help myself. I think I'm in love with her.

Joey:
Who cares?! You went behind my back? I would never do that to you!

Chandler:
You're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.

Joey:
Over the line? You - you're - you're so far past the line, that you - you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

Monica:
How cute is the on-call doctor?

Rachel:
So cute I'm thinking of jabbing this pen in my eye.

Phoebe:
Yeah, but, Monica - do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase "That's not how your dad used to do it"?

Monica:
[indicating each of the group in succession] Fine! Judge all you want to, but: [to Ross] married a lesbian; [to Rachel] left a man at the altar; [to Phoebe] fell in love with a gay ice dancer; [to Joey] threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire; [to Chandler] living in a box!

Ross:
Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?

Joey:
No, I had sex in high school.

Rachel:
No 'accountants'. And no one from 'Legal'... I don't like guys with boring jobs...

Chandler:
And Ross was what? A LION TAMER?

Rachel:
You have the best taste in men.

Chandler:
Yeah.. Like father.. Like son...

Monica:
[to Chandler] All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rache, hand me that pad please.[starts to draw]

Chandler:
Well, you don't have to draw an actual woma- whoa, she's hot.

Monica:
Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones, you got one, two, three... four... five... six and seven.

Chandler:
There are seven?

Rachel:
Let me see that. Oh. Yep.

Chandler:
[points] That's one?

Monica:
Kind of an important one.

Chandler:
Oh, you know what? I was looking at it upside down.

Rachel:
Well, you know, sometimes that helps. [Chandler gapes.]

Monica:
All right. Now most guys will hit one, two, three and then go to seven and set up camp.

Chandler:
And that's bad?

Rachel:
Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.

Chandler:
Well, you might, if it were anything like seven.

Monica:
All right. Uh, the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. Keep them on their toes.

Rachel:
Oooooo, toes! [Chandler stares.] For some people!

Monica:
All right. You could start out with a little one, a two, a one two three, a three, a five, a four, a three two, two, a two four six, a two four six, four, two, two, four seven, five seven, six seven, [starts shouting] seven. Seven seven SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN [leans back in ecstasy with eyes closed and holds up the number seven]... And there you are.

Rachel:
Yeah, that'll work.

[They stand up awkwardly. Rachel and Monica go in their rooms. Chandler goes into the bathroom. They all shut their doors.]

Phoebe:
You know I'll be giving them the greatest gift ever.

Chandler:
You're going to carry their baby and buy them a Sony PlayStation?

[At the doctor's office, Phoebe sits before a Petri dish with her brother and sister-in-law's embryos]

Phoebe:
Hello, teeny embryos. I'm, I'm Phoebe Buffay. Hi! I'm, I'm, I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know that we're doing this for Frank and Alice - who you know! You've been there! You know, they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on! Okay? And, and I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you're ready to have them take you home. So. Okay. Oh! And, also, um, next time you see me, if I'm screaming, don't worry - that's what's supposed to happen.

[Ross begins the lightning round with questions for Joey and Chandler]

Ross:
What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?

Joey:
Big Fat Goalie.

Ross:
Correct. [A stung Monica reacts] Rachel claims this is her favourite movie.

Chandler:
Dangerous Liaisons.

Ross:
Correct. Her actual favourite is-

Joey:
Weekend at Bernie's!

Ross:
Correct. [Rachel gasps] In which part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? [Chandler thinks, then whispers in Ross's ear] Eww, no!! [Monica winces] Her ear! Monica categorises her towels. How many categories are there?

Joey:
Everyday-use.

Chandler:
Fancy.

Joey:
Guest.

Chandler:
Fancy Guest.

Ross:
Two seconds.

Joey:
Eleven?!

Ross:
[clicking time]Eleven. Unbelievable. Eleven is correct. All right, that's four for the guys. Ladies, you're up. [The teams trade places, doing the double-fist bumps to each other] Thirty seconds on the clock. Five correct questions wins the game. The lightning round begins...now. What is Joey's favorite food?

Monica:
Sandwiches.

Ross:
Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?

Rachel:
Fourteen?

Ross:
No, nineteen.

Chandler:
Thanks, man.

Ross:
Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was...

Monica:
Maurice.

Ross:
Correct. His profession was...

Rachel:
Space cowboy.

Ross:
Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job?

Rachel:
Oh, gosh! Does it have something to do with numbers?

Monica:
And processing.

Rachel:
And he carries a briefcase.

Ross:
Ten seconds. You need this or you lose the game.

Monica:
It has something to do with transponding.

Rachel:
Oh, oh! He's a transponds...transponster!

Monica:
That's not even a word! I can get this! I can get this... [Ross clicks time-they've lost the apartment] NO!!!

Kathy:
I'll tell you what, Chandler. Why don't you call me when you grow up!

Chandler:
Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen any time soon!

Phoebe:
Oh!

Monica:
What?

Phoebe:
It kicked! I think the baby kicked!

Monica:
Oh, my...!

Phoebe:
Oh, no, wait. Oh, no, the elastic on my underwear busted.

Chandler:
Where are the guys? I'm ready to get drunk and see some strippers.

Monica:
It's 9:30 in the morning!

Chandler:
They got a breakfast buffet.

Chandler:
I'm getting my nails done. You said it was going to be fun [Looks his fingers] which kind of it is..

Chandler:
You said there would be guys. There are no guys .

Rachel:
There is one right there

Chandler:
That's a mail man.. That's our mail man.....

Monica:
Joe, Let me ask you question. What does this light switch exactly do ?

Joey:
Nothing.

Monica:
Did it drive you crazy to not know?

Joey:
I know what it did.. Nothing

Ross:
I'm man enough to play this sport.

Joey:
You are not even man enough to get the channel that carries the sport.

Ross:
We knew we had two weeks together and that's it.

Joey:
That's what all my relationships are like.

Chandler:
But in Ross's case they both know two weeks is it.

Chandler:
[Phoebe eats his sandwich out of his hand] I've got a Phoebe in my sandwich.

Ross:
If she doesn't call, it is definitely over! No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on, and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.

Joey:
Way to be strong, man!

Chandler:
I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault!

Joey:
Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza-delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money and leaves!

Chandler:
What? No "Nice apartment. I bet the bedrooms are huge?"

Joey:
No! Nothing!

Chandler:
You know what? We have to turn off the porn.

Alice:
I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank Junior Jr.

Chandler:
Wouldn't that be Frank the Third?

Alice:
Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies and, um, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.

Phoebe:
Wow! That's so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar!

Alice:
You think about it.

Chandler:
You're right, it is a ridiculous name!

Joey:
It's not that bad.

Chandler:
Yes, it is! From now on, I have no first name.

Joey:
So you're just "Bing?"

Chandler:
I have no name.

[Ross is sporting an earring.]

Joey:
We don't make enough fun of you already? What? What?

Ross:
Oh, yeah. Emily convinced me to do it.

Chandler:
You do know that Wham! broke up?

Chandler:
So, What do you do when you're not working here?

Gunther:
You don't need to fill these silences.

Chandler:
Okay! Thanks...

Monica:
This isn't even my dress.

Phoebe:
Well at least you didn't rent yours from a store called "It's Not Too Late"!

Chandler:
We have to do something huge .

Joey:
We could climb Mount Everest.

Chandler:
I told we have to do something huge. Not something stupid...

Rachel:
Drive Phoebe to hospital if she goes into labor.

Monica:
You don't have a car.. And your license expired.

Rachel:
[Cries] There's so much to do and I have so less time .

[Chandler is angry that Joey and not himself is going to be Ross's Best Man.]

Chandler:
[to everyone in the room] I've decided that my best man is my best friend Gunther!

Gunther:
What is my last name?

Chandler:
[short pause] Central... Perk?

[Rachel is on a plane to London and talks about her reasons for her journey to a passenger across the aisle while another passenger is trying to sleep next to her]

Rachel:
[to the passenger across the aisle] So then I realised, all the stuff that I had been doing-proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding-was all a way of trying to tell him...

Other Passenger:
[waking up, irritated] OH, OH, OH, OH!! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? I just want to say that you are a horrible, horrible person!!

Rachel:
[surprised] Pardon me?

Other Passenger:
You say you love this man, and yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life! I have to agree with your friend 'Pheebs'! This is a terrible, terrible plan!

Rachel:
But he has to know how I feel!

Other Passenger:
Why? He loves this Emily person! No good can come of this!

Rachel:
I think you're wrong!

Other Passenger:
[sarcastically] Oh, no! [puts his fist in his mouth and is about to put on his headphones]

Rachel:
He doesn't really love her! It's just a rebound thing from me! You'll see.

Other Passenger:
Fortunately, I won't. And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you WERE on a break! [Rachel gasps]

Ross:
[storming into Chandler's room] I'm getting married today!!! Whoo-hoo!!!

Chandler:
[covered up in bed] Morning, Ross.

Ross:
I'm getting married to...day!!!

Chandler:
Yeah, you are.

Ross:
[leaving the room] Whoo-hoo!!!

Monica:
[popping head out from under Chandler's covers] Do you think he knew I was here?

[Emily and Ross are reciting their wedding vows.]

Priest:
I, Ross...

Ross:
I, Ross...

Priest:
... take thee, Emily...

Ross:
... take thee, Rachel...

Chandler:
[Comes home to find all their possessions gone] OH MY GOD!

Joey:
[Yelling from inside the entertainment center] WHAT?

Chandler:
[letting Joey out] Are you alright?

Joey:
Aw man, he said he wouldn't take the chairs!

Chandler:
What the hell happened? How were you locked in and where the hell is all of our stuff?

Joey:
This guy came by to look at the unit and he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man.

Chandler:
So you got in there voluntarily?

Joey:
I was trying to make a sale. Oh man if I ever see that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?

Chandler:
[shouting] Bend over?

Judy Geller:
Well... everyone seems to like your dish.

Monica:
And you?

Judy Geller:
I thought it was... quite tasty.

Monica:
So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success, which would make you...

Judy Geller:
A bitch?

Monica:
Well, I was going for "wrong", but we can use your word.

Monica:
[to Joey] Hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?

Chandler:
The meaning of the box is threefold. One, it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two, it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three... it hurts!

Chandler:
[entering] Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?

Ross:
I don’t know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there’s this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch.

Chandler:
No-no, I don’t think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!

Ross:
Nooo!! Gandalf?! Gandalf is coming to town?

Chandler:
Kathy’s with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandalf dude!

Ross:
Dude, we are sooo gonna party!

Phoebe:
Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy?

Ross:
Mike "Gandalf" Ganderson, only like the funnest guy in the world.

Chandler:
I’m gonna call and get off work tomorrow!

Ross:
I’m gonna call after you!

Chandler:
This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!

Chandler and Ross:
Woooo!!!

Monica:
All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van?

Joey:
Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?

Ross:
Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandalf is like the party wizard!

Joey:
Well, why do you call him Gandalf?

Ross:
Gandalf the wizard. [Joey is still confused] Hello! Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?

Joey:
No, I had sex in high school.

Monica:
I got offered the head chef job at Allessandro's.

Phoebe:
What?

Monica:
It's OK, 'cause you know what, if you think about it you don't really need me for the business.

Phoebe:
You're the cook! Without you it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money!

Phoebe: [singing a Christmas song for her friends] Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. They haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. So don't sing along, Monica; Have a happy Hannakah. Saw Santa Claus, He said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy.And Rachel and Chandler...<br<[mumbling] ... hangler.

[finishes the song]

Phoebe:
Happy Holidays, everybody.

Chandler:
[on why he and Kathy haven't had sex yet] It's just.. her last boyfriend was Joey, and...

Ross:
[chuckles] And you're worried you won't be able to "fill his shoes".

Chandler:
No, I'm worried I won't be able to make love as well as him.

Ross:
I was going for the metaphor.

Chandler:
Yes, and I was using the actual words.

Joey:
Hey look, a new Playboy.

Monica:
Yeah, it's just something I picked up.

Ross:
Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever!

Joey:
OK, for next time, what do you say?

Rachel:
I have an extra ticket, an extra ticket, not two tickets. I have an extra ticket.

Ross:
So the first time you asked a guy out he turned you down?

Rachel:
He didn't turn me down. He's at the game isn't he? I got the date, I'm just not on it.

Joey:
[talking about Chandler being depressed after breaking up with Kathy] Don't worry. He's still in his sweats. That's phase one! Don't worry... I'll be back for phase two.

Monica:
What's phase two?

Joey:
Getting drunk and going to the strip club!

Devon:
We were playing rugby.

Liam:
In fact, we're playing a game at the park tomorrow. You're welcome to play too if you want.

Emily:
[laughs] Ross play rugby? I don't think so.

Ross:
What's uh, what's so funny about that?

Emily:
Well I mean, you're American to start with. You don't even have rugby here.

Ross:
Well, we didn't have freedom here until 1776, either so...

Devon:
So good then! We'll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers!

[Joey and Phoebe ate steaks]

Joey:
Feel better now?

Phoebe:
Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day. I'm going to eat, like you know, millions of cows.

Joey:
Hey, what if I said I could even things out for you, meatwise?

Phoebe:
What?

Joey:
Well, I eat a lot of meat, right?

Phoebe:
Yeah.

Joey:
But suppose until the baby's born, I laid off it? No extra animals would die, you'd just be eating my animals.

Phoebe:
Joey, I can't believe you would do that for me.

Joey:
Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian! There's no meat in beer, right?

Ross:
[about Emily] She lives there. I live here. I mean, she'd have to move here. [pause] She should move here!

Joey:
What?

Ross:
I can ask her to live with me.

Chandler:
Are you serious?

Ross:
Why not? I mean, why not?

Chandler:
Because you've only known her for six weeks! Ok? I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I've had a longer relationship with.

Ross:
Everything so far sounds great, Joey. Just remember, keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out, playing poker. No strippers or anything, okay?

Joey:
You got it!

Ross:
OK, see you later.

Chandler:
Have fun planning your "mellow" bachelor party!

Joey:
Well, there's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers.

Chandler:
He just said, "No strippers."

Joey:
Oh. I chose not to hear that.

Monica:
Guys, hurry up. The flight leaves in four hours. It could take time to get a taxi. There could be traffic. The plane could leave early. When we get to London, there could be a line at customs. Come on!

Chandler:
6-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica.

Phoebe:
[on the phone long distance with Joey] I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you.

Joey:
Thanks Pheebs, that just cost me four bucks.