Frisky Dingo, Season 2

X-tacles:
(playing with beach ball, while everyone else screams) Boosh, boosh, boosh, boosh...

Killface:
Would've died, too, if those couplings hadn't melted.

Interviewer:
'Cause your plan was to push the Earth into the sun, right?

Killface:
Obviously not, because, you know...end result

Killface:
Where are we, what are we doing?

Dottie:
We're going broke, is what we're doing

Killface:
Well, that's hard to believe. I know we're all making sacrifices.

Dottie:
(on €149 Schnapps) But I paid for this personally.

Killface:
No, you didn't.

Killface:
Oh, the smell of those barbecues. It's like, just put my nose in a saddle. "Mmm, whose saddle is this? That's uncle Taint's. How long's he been ridin' Tex? Oh, pert near three days. Well, let's eat... buddy."

Mr. Ford:
Well... bad is a relative term.

(On the phone at his office)

Mr. Ford:
I said, what you think about global warming? Huh? Well, get a job, you damn hippie! Huh? Aww, f*** you.

(Back to documentary interview)

Mr. Ford:
Basically, I just make stuff up and fax it over there.

(cut from Mr. Ford's fax machine to Killface's)

Killface:
Oh! Ooh! There's a fax coming!

(Back to documentary interview)

Mr. Ford:
Some weeks he doin' good, other weeks, he's not doin'... he's not doin' any good.

Killface:
(campaign stop at A.M.E. Zion Church, dressed like Michael Vick) Hello, African Zionists. Pleasure to be here, and how about that Jesus Christ, hmm? He's one bad mother--

Churchgoer:
You Hush your mouth!

Killface:
I'm just talkin' 'bout Christ.

(At apartment)

Killface:
We should send them a pie basket.

Dottie:
They don't eat pie.

Killface:
Yes, they do.

Dottie:
Have you ever actually met a black person?

Killface:
Of course! Sinn was black.

Dottie:
I don't think a servant...

Killface:
Indentured servant...technically

Dottie:
How did you ever win the primary?

(Shot of Killface on top of bus in ticker-tape parade, banner reading "Thanks Killface. Global Warming Cured")

Killface:
Duh.

Taqu'il:
He's a one-hit wonder: global warming.

Killface:
Cured it. (Baby Lamont chirps)

Taqu'il:
Shut up, Baby Lamont.

Killface:
Hey, bro!

Taqu'il:
His foreign policy is unrealistic...

Killface:
Global warming.

Taqu'il:
His domestic policy is non-existent...

Killface:
Global warming.

Taqu'il:
Health care...

Killface:
Global warming.

Taqu'il:
Immigration...

Killface:
Global warming.

Taqu'il:
Welfare reform...

Killface:
Global warming.

Taqu'il:
Man, do you even know what these terms mean?

Killface:
I...know that I cured global warming.

Taqu'il:
See? He's a one-trick pony.

Killface:
Well, it's a pretty big pony.

Dottie:
I either just had a stroke, or the most brilliant idea ever.

Killface:
Well, your blood's too thin for a stroke, so let's hear it.

Wendell:
(To Camera-man) Hey! Isn't that rival documentarian Michael Moore's fat ass?

Cameraman:
what? where?

Wendell:
just, look... Just, Point the camera over there.

Cameraman:
Huh?

[The camera goes to the side. A gunshot is heard. The camera goes back.]

Wendell:
Cheese and rice, he shot himself! [There is a pause.] With my gun somehow.

Camera Man:
Excuse me!

[Camera zooms in on Xander, standing in the street, with a see-through pink shirt, and pink shorts. There is a pause.]

Xander:
.....What?!

Camera Man:
This is a documentary about Killface.

Xander:
Killfa-[Scoffs]-is it called Check Me Out, I Suck? Guk-guk-guk [deapthroating sounds]

Xander:
Can you even be gay for a robot? [in robot tone] Beep-beep, I am a gay-bot!

Xtacle:
..Y-..you think we're robots?!

Xander:
[in robot tone] May I offer you a robot blowjob?

Xtacle:
..this-this is just armor! [clanks helmet]

Xander:
Power down gay robot; that is an an earthman order!

Xtacle:
Okay, hang on...

[Xtacle takes off helmet, revealing a human head.]

Xander:
[Gasp]

Xander:
Oh my... god...

Xtacle:
That's what I've been saying.

Xander:
You look.. so... real!

Xtacle:
[exhasperated sigh] Look-

Xander:
Can I... touch you?

Xtacle:
Kinda prefer you didn't.

Xander:
Just be still.

Xtacle:
No, hey, come on!

Xander:
Feel my touch.

[Xander sucker punches the Xtacle in the face, knocking him unconscious]

Camera Man:
Ah, so they kicked you out for hitting Jimbo?

Xander:
[Clears throat] More for right after that, uhh...

[Pause]

Xander:
When I tried to take him apart.

[Cut to interior of Xcalibur. Xander can be heard offscreen in a distressed voice]

Xander:
Power on robot! [Clanking and whirring sound]

Xander:
Your Earth-Man commands you! [Clanking and whirring sound]

[Xander stands up into frame, covered in blood and holding a medical rotary reciprocating saw]

Xander:
Why won't you power on-ah-ah-aaaaaaaaaah...?! [wailing and sobbing continues]

[Cut returns to Xander in the empty lot]

Xander:
Yeah, at first I thought it was hydrolic fluid, but man it sure wasn't!

Camera Man:
Well, it's been a year now-

Xander:
A Year?! It's really been a whole year? What's today?

Camera Man:
Thursday.

Xander:
Oh my God, it has been a year.

Camera Man:
Why not just go live with your girlfriend?

[Clip shows, of Grace Ryan standing outside her door with a pie.]

Xander:
If I wanted to be smothered to death, I'd go back to the Xcalibur and fess up. If I go back to the Xcalibur and fess up, I'll be smothered to death. That's in our Charter.

Xander:
So, what's this whole movie deal about Killface?

Camera Man:
Actually, he's running for president.

Xander:
He's what?! How?!

Camera Man:
Yeah, cause when he activated the Anihalatrix, he cured Global Warming.

Xander:
Wait, no, I turned it on!

Camera Man:
Well, he says he did.

Xander:
Son of a BITCH!

Cmaera Man:
Yeah, so do cabs ever come by here?

Xander:
Well, you know what? If he's running for President, then so am I!

Camera Man:
Well, it takes, like, tons and tons of money to run for president.

Xander:
[Holds up check containing his billions.] Well, is that enough? Ka-kow!

Camera Man:
Hey, when did you get the check back?

Xander:
Oh, just right after that whole incident with it blowing away. [Flashback, Xander comes down from Annihilatrix in elevator] Xander: Yeah, have fun getting the shit stomped outta you by the Xtacles when I go back to my house to get my Awesome X gear from that hooker who was living there the last time I... [check blows into his face] ...checked.

[Flashback, Xander comes down from Annihilatrix in elevator]

Xander:
Yeah, have fun getting the shit stomped outta you by the Xtacles when I go back to my house to get my Awesome X gear from that hooker who was living there the last time I... [check blows into his face] ...checked.

Xander:
Apparently, it's been here the whole time...SUCKERS!!

Carter:
Mr. Ford, via satellite. American voters--what do they want?

Mr. Ford:
Really, all Americans want is cold beer, warm pussy, and someplace to take a shit with a door on it.

[Pause, everyone staring at the camera blankly]

Carter:
Up next...

Mr. Ford:
(interrupting) I mean you don't want the dog looking at you.

Carter:
Ok...

Carter:
Immigration--why not have a massive pedestrian overpass to Canada?

[TV shuts off]

Xander:
Man, I was gonna do a pedestrian overpass to Canada. I was gonna call it the "Spicspan."

Xander:
I need somebody who gets me, and also somebody who's a fighter, Stan. Just a tenacious smashin' bastard.

Stan:
Yep.

Xander:
He may be a little older...

Stan:
Mm-hmmm.

Xander:
Maybe a little balder...

Stan:
Well...

Xander:
But he's still the only player in NFL history to get two safeties in a single game.

Stan:
[pause] I'm sorry?

Xander:
Yes, Stan--two-time Pro Bowler Fred Dryer!

Stan:
You mean, TV's Hunter?

Xander:
He was Hunter?!

Killface:
[Observing the campaign bus for the first time} Wendell, you've outdone yourself!

Wendell:
Well, now I know how Diego Rivera must have felt when he was banging Frida Kahlo. Tea bagging the unibrow.

Killface:
If there's a few bucks left over, you know, go get something nice.

[24 hours earlier in a hotel]

Wendell:
[into phone] Yeah, hey I'd like a $9,000 prostitute, please. Oh, do you have nine $1,000 ones? Yeah, good, and if you got an albino, send her up too. In 20 minutes, I'm gonna be asleep, so get 'em up here. [Hangs up] Had, like, half a bottle of melatonin, six beers, this whole f***ing bucket of chicken--the sandman is comin'.

Killface:
Wendell, this is the greatest campaign in the history of the wo--

[Xander's low-flying campaign jet buzzes the bus, blowing out the windows]

Killface:
Son of a WHORE!

Killface:
Don't you have any sodding leads?

Wendell:
[holding panties] Just these, I guess the assassin must've dropped them.

Val:
[whispering, hidden in closet] Damn it!

Wendell:
Which... [inhaling deeply from panties] actually might just be a red herring.

Xander:
You, Grace, do the roar.

Grace:
What?

Xander:
Roar like the "Team Jaguar" jaguar. [Grace roars quietly] Damn it, you're an apex predator. [Grace roars louder] Yeah! That's how she sounds when I'm bangin' her.

[Talking head]

Grace:
I know, I just...can't stay mad at him. I'm gonna have his babies. [Holds up vial labelled "Xander Crews"]

Camera Man:
Is that...?

Grace:
Uh-huh.

Camera Man:
Shouldn't that be in a freezer?

Grace:
Sometimes I like to hold them.

Dottie:
We can't afford an airplane.

Killface:
Well, maybe if you'd lay off the platinum-infused highballs.

Dottie:
You couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the directions were on the heel.

Wendell:
Woman, they had pricing tiers!

Dottie:
Oh, go tell it to your albino whores.

Wendell:
I...will not even dignify that with a response.

Killface:
Yeah, please don't.

Taqu'il:
We can win this election.

Killface:
How? Giving out free bus rides?

Dottie:
Well, who wants to ride in some crappy old bus with no windows? [Baby Lamont happily chirps] Oh, you just like trips.

Killface:
[after Simon shoots down Xander's plane] Take that, you bum-snacking Republican!

Taqu'il:
Damn it, I thought we were going to campaign on the issues!

Killface:
Oh, lighten up.

Grace:
If you leave me to burn to death in this plane, we are just finished!

Xander:
Well...we'll always have Vegas.

Grace:
That wasn't me!

Xander:
Well...okay.

[Xander, with Stan on his back, jumps out]

Grace:
You bastard! God, still can't stay mad at him! [Jumps out after him]

Stan:
Thank you for saving me.

Xander:
Hey, don't get all Sophie's Choice, man. You know, think of all the sympathy cooz I'm gonna get. "Oh, where's your girlfriend," "Oh, she burned to death," "Oh, my god, put your penis in my vagina." I'll be killin' it, man.

Xander:
You are like a bad penny.

Xander:
[talking head] So, this is probably on the down-low, [picture of Xander standing over a shot panda] but every year I go on these sorta...well, I guess they're like "grey market safaris."

Interviewer:
Is that a panda bear?

Xander:
Yep, the most dangerous game.

Interviewer:
Man! Man is the most dangerous game.

Xander:
Well, tell that to a mommy panda protecting her cubs.

Interviewer:
That's disgusting!

Xander:
You should see when they skin it. [Xander pulls the microphone down to his mouth] No, seriously. You'd puke your guts out

Killface:
You should be out doing this too.

Taqu'il:
Two movies: Surviving the Game, Deliverance. Not gonna happen.

Stan:
And so now, Mr. Crews will hunt.

Xander:
Well, then, put down the bamboo.

Stan:
What f***ing bamboo?

Xander:
You gotta put a big pile of it down, and then the mommy panda comes out and she's all, "gotta find some bamboo for my babies," and you're like [fires shotgun] POW! Peel'er one

Xander:
You think they're looking for us?

Killface:
Both presidential candidates lost in a...duck bog? They must be.

[In Killface's apartment, Dottie and Taqu'il watch a NASCAR race]

Taqu'il:
Man, I can't believe this.

Dottie:
Well, it's not like we can stay out there all night.

Taqu'il:
No, I can't believe I've been missing out on this white-knuckle thrill ride. Lookit, Junior's makin' a move!

Dottie:
God love him.

Stan:
All right, who's ready for another Tom Collins?

Dottie:
See, now he gets me.

Killface:
[going towards duck call] Come on, it's over that way.

Xander:
Dibs on the dark meat...

Killface:
Shut up!

Xander:
...she said.

Killface:
Turn six!

Killface:
It's the international, you know, cry for help in the wilderness, bang bang bang, three quick shots.

Xander:
Where'd you hear that?

Killface:
It was in...oh, God, what was it? There was this whacking great bear...

Xander:
Oh, was it that movie The Bear?

Killface:
Shut up, no, it was...

Xander:
B.J. and the Bear?

Killface:
Tony Hopkins was in it.

Xander:
Oh, God, is he great?

Killface:
I could watch him read the phone book.

Xander:
And pay money to see it.

Killface:
I'd like to just smell his hair.

Killface:
Do you want to argue over it until we both die of hypothermia?

Xander:
No, but I'm prepared to!

Killface:
Fine, we'll do it together.

[Xander chuckles]

Killface:
Would you turn six, please?!

Killface:
Three quick ones, on three...one...

Xander:
Wait, why do you get to count?

Killface:
God, all right, you count!

Xander:
All I'm asking. One...

Killface:
Oh, my God!

Xander:
Damn it!

Killface:
The Edge! Tony Hopkins, Alec Baldwin, Elle Macpherson, black guy from Oz, whacking great bear, The Edge. Why aren't you counting?

Xander:
Two...

[Val pops up from marsh with rifle and fires three shots, followed by two off-screen splashes]

Val:
Three. [Makes duck call]

Killface:
Barnaby, my God, did you see that?

Xander:
Yeah, and I'm curious to know where the f*** she got robot pants!

Dottie:
...and, as you know, American voters insist on a Christian president.

Killface:
That's me. I'm Christian in spades!

Dottie:
But you have to be subtle about it.

Killface:
I'm subtle in spades!

Taqu'il:
They also don't want you to use the word "spades" all the damn time.

Grace:
As a Democrat, don't you support a woman's right to choose?

Killface:
You mean her right to be a whore?

Xander:
(on headline outing Simon) BOOSH! Dude, we have got to jump on this with both feet.

Stan:
Nope.

Xander:
I want WebTV, I want Bluetube...

Stan:
Nope, we leave this one alone.

Xander:
Why?

Stan:
Because two words: John Kerry.

Xander:
Who?

Stan:
Exactly.

Xander:
[Beat] ...He some sort of famous gay dude?

Wendell:
[Wendell is visiting Cody in jail. Cody has the appearance of a stereotypical 'prison bitch'.] So, you think you could move some product in here?

Cody:
[sighs] I'll...have to check with Gary.

Wendell:
Who the hell's Gary? [long pause as Cody looks down] Ohhh.

Xander:
I do have shortlist of four tentative maybes.

Stan:
[grabbing list]] Let's see here...

Xander:
Okay, Snatch-mo.

Stan:
[reading] Roxanne, the Real Roxanne, Roxanne Shanté, and Salman Rushdie.

Xander:
Which...I think it's actually "Salmon."

Xander:
Huh, well, we'll just see what old Wikipedia has to say about this Canada business... Why is, um... nothing's happening here.

Stan:
You're not connected to the Internet!

Xander:
The what?

Stan:
How good is... your reading?

Xander:
Not great.

[Fifty minutes after the computer goes down]

Stan:
No, what are the last three digits?

Xander:
I don't even see the I.P. address.

Stan:
It's right up...

Xander:
Now I'm thinking of I.P Freely. Now I'm thinking of Ace Frehley. Stan, Ace Frehley...

Stan:
Oh, for f***'s sake...

Xander:
Put him in on list.

Stan:
Why is the damn thing turned off?

Xander:
You said shut down.

Stan:
Momentarily, a half an hour ago!

Xander:
Well, I didn't go to computer academy!

Stan:
Oh, shut the f*** up!

Waitress:
Sir, care to sample a yummy wee-muf?

Stan:
[typing] Why the hell would you come over here and presume that I would want a yummy... mmmmmiss-muf?

Stan:
Hahaha! See! It's not Vice President of the United States and Canada!

Killface:
[looking at Lamont's homemade "get well soob" card] Damn it, Lamont, what did I say about the macaroni?!

Stan:
Give my regards to Hooper.

Xander:
[in Awesome X gear]And what's that supposed to mean? You know, I hate it...with your little snotty foreshadowing.

Deceptacle #1:
Hooper's in charge now.

Awesome X:
How and why is Hooper in charge?!

Deceptacle #1:
Well...you know, he's...got a lot of great ideas and...um...leadership...ideas.

Awesome X:
It's his tits, isn't it!

Deceptacle #1:
Oh, my God, are his tits not insane?

Awesome X:
[sighs] They totally are.

Deceptacle #2:
Oh, and not just his tits either.

Awesome X and Decepatacle #2:
His ass.

Awesome X:
It's like a peach, I've seen it.

Deceptacle #3:
Sing the song, dude.

Awesome X:
There's a song?!

Deceptacle #3:
[singing] Deceptacles...

Deceptacles:
[joining in] More than you bargained for. [One does a drum solo]

Deceptacle #4:
Way to ruin it, "Neil Peart"

Deceptacle #1:
Let's hear it for Hooper's titties!

Hooper/Sinn:
You, Awesome X, are now my prisoner.

Awesome X:
Yeah, well, I got your prisoner right here! [Points guns at her] So, swirl that softly and gently around your erect nipples.

Hooper/Sinn:
Deceptacles.

[All Deceptacle point guns at Awesome X]

Awesome X:
You know...

Deceptacle:
[taking X's guns] I'm just gonna hold these...

Awesome X:
That's why I never let y'all have a song.

Dottie:
[Dottie's hair is comming off in clumps] How do you expect to win this debate if you're not prepared?

Killface:
Well, how do you expect me to prepare with you sloughing off fuzz like a new towel?

Interviewer:
There's no record of you ever working for the Department of Labor.

Wendell:
Well, duh! I was on loan from the CIA.

Interviewer:
Yeah, we contacted them too, and they won't confirm or deny your story.

Wendell:
That's the beauty of it--nobody knows if I worked there or not.

Wendell:
So, yeah. This is, uh... I'm undercover.

Killface:
Undercover for what?

Dottie:
Uh, aiy... Wendell's volunteered to look into some new fundraising avenues.

Wendell:
Yeeeep! Commence Operation: Meth Nazi!

Killface:
Operation WHAT?

[Wendell drives off on moped, crashing into glass]

Killface:
Wendell!

Wendell:
Oi!

Killface:
I...don't have a great feeling about this.

Dottie:
Oh, grow up. Do you know how many American politicians are funded by the Neo-Nazis?

Killface:
Wh...shut up.

Dottie:
My God, there's Congressman [bleep], and Senator [bleep], not to mention Vice-[bleep] [bleep].

[Cut to talking head]

Killface:
Going to bleep those, I hope.

Interviewer:
So you and Ronnie... A little history?

Xander Crews:
A little bit, yeah... [Flashback to Ronnie preparing to rape Xander in season 1] Which... Not what I call making love. I'd call it "The Shame-spear... of... hurt".

Awesome X:
We need to go warn Killface.

Ronnie:
But why to help not only mortal enemy, but also political opponent?

Awesome X:
Not that it's any of your business, but...I have no plausible explanation.

Killface:
How about this: vote for me, or I push this dung heap of a planet smack into the sun!

Dottie:
Look, I worked hard on those, and since the Annihilatrix couldn't push me to the store, I'd appreciate it if you'd focus on the damn talking p--!

[Killface shoots her in the head]

Killface:
Oh, that reminds me--should fix the Annihilatrix.

Awesome X:
[flying through air with Ronnie on his back] Quit grinding your f***ing dick on me!

Ronnie:
I cannot find comfort.

Awesome X:
How about finding Killface's house?

Ronnie:
Okay, but first, guess what.

Awesome X:
What?

Ronnie:
I feel like hobbit...on eagle.

Awesome X:
Well, that's great, Ronnie...

Ronnie:
Oh, Bilbo Baggins.

Awesome X:
[fuel gauge on wrist reads empty] ...because now you guess what. [Both plummet to ground]

Wendell:
This must be the right place then, 'cause I am lookin' at two right now. Ah-ooga, I'm kidding. Did you guys bring the stuff?

Awesome X:
Stuff...

Wendell:
Wait a minute, Gary sent you guys, right?

Awesome X:
Oh, Gary! [nudging Ronnie]

Ronnie:
Gary, you mean G-Money. We know that guy. Sent us here.

Awesome X:
To you, from...somewhere else.

Wendell:
Well then...[revving scooter] get on the scooter!

Xander:
I can't go to a presidential debate dressed like this.

Wendell:
Ya, you kinda look like a boob

Xander:
You have boobs. Snap.

Ronnie:
Baby's lunch bag.

Wendell:
Yum yum yum yum yum

Ronnie:
Eat that lunch baby

Xander:
I should have a tuxedo there. [Cut to Xander in front of mansion, wearing tuxedo t-shirt] ...or this poly-cotton suckfest!

Clerk:
You wanna watch while I call the police?

Wendell:
No, wait, I got some money down here in my sock.

Xander:
See, he's got sock money.

Wendell:
But...

Ronnie:
[with ice cream] Here, you lick...with tongue.

Wendell:
[with Awesome X mask and gun] You got change for a .38?! [Shoots clerk five times]

Xander:
What the f***, Wendell?!

Wendell:
Wendell X.

Decepticle:
I saw the big pants first. The gold doubloon is mine.

Xander:
[last words to Ronnie] Stay gold, Pony Boy.

Grace:
[whispering] Psst, Xander.

Killface:
Wave to Newslady. [Lamont waves and chirps]

Grace:
Hey, you.

Antagone:
Come, my chitinous friend. Your mistress summons you from the briny deep.

Watley:
Ka-Kow!

Carter:
First question, both candidates--Article Two of the Constitution.

Xander:
The what?

Killface:
Um... [Lamont quacks]

Xander:
Why does he get a spirit animal? I think my buzzer's broken!

Killface:
Is that the one about tariffs?

Carter:
No, it's the one that says you have to be at least 35 years old and a US citizen in order to be President.

Killface:
Well, that can't be right. I'm not even a legal resident.

Xander:
And I'm only 33.

Carter:
So, follow-up--why are you idiots wasting everybody's time when you can't even be elected?

Interviewer:
And they are good looking slacks. Are they stain resistant?

Killface:
Well, I certianly hope so.

Interviewer:
And why's that?

Killface:
[shoots Interviewer] ...Because my bird is dead. And now I really shall destroy this VILE PLANET! [Shoots camera]

Hooper/Sinn:
Greetings, America. (removes helmet) I. . .am. . .Sinn. (Deceptacles gasp in surprise, along with Killface, who is watching from home) And I, with my lover, the Dread Lobster...

Watley:
Hi!

Sinn:
And my sisters in chaos, Valerie and the supervillainess Antagone--

(Valerie growls and Antagone steps over with a cackle)

Sinn:
Who is soon to give birth to what I can only assume will be a giant, hideous ant-baby unwittingly sired by crippled billionaire tycoon Xander Crews--

Xander:
(watching in office) God...damn it.

Sinn:
Now control the Annihilatrix, and your new President, in office thanks only to a corrupt Supreme Court...

Taqu'il:
(watching from the Oval Office) And more specifically, Stephen Breyer. Boosh! (Makes toast with Stan)

Stan:
And/or ka-kow!

Sinn:
Is powerless to stop me, for backed by the might of the Annihilatrix, the Sisterhood of Chaos now rules the world! And now, back to the Haggar Pants 500.

(Network turns back to stock car race)

Killface:
How can she afford a media buy? (Simon mumbles) Still...

Deceptacle #1:
All this time we thought you were this super cool dude Hooper, who just happened to have great tits!

Deceptacle #2:
When really, you're some other dude who just happens to have great tits!

Sinn:
I'm a woman! Idiots...

Doctor:
So listen. I can't give you an okay to...

Xander:
Stand those pants up.

Doctor:
...go battle a cadre of supervillains on top of a giant doomsday device.

Xander:
Well, not with that attitude!

Doctor:
Remember when Killface punched you with a penguin at the Haggar Pants Presidential Debate (Turns on X-ray of Xander's spine)

Xander:
Uh, vaguely, yeah.

Doctor:
Well, that cracked your C3 and C4 vertebrae, so... you ever see Hooper?

Xander:
Yeah, that robot with the big tits!

Doctor:
No, but that sounds awesome.

Xander:
It is!

Doctor:
I meant the Burt Reynolds movie where he's a hard-living stuntman.

Xander:
That sounds awesome.

Doctor:
It is. Anyway, one more impact to the neck, and you'll be paralyzed.

Xander:
My third-greatest fear!

Doctor:
Same basic plot as in the movie.

Xander:
God, that sounds awesome.

Doctor:
It is.

Xander:
But who's gonna stop Hooper?

Doctor:
Well, it's already out on DVD.

Xander:
No, I mean the robot with the big tits.

Doctor:
Really sounds awesome.

Xander:
It is.

Doctor:
Anyway...

(Wendell, dressed in Awesome X top, delivers a flying kick to the Doctor)

Wendell:
I actually have some thoughts on that.

Doctor:
Oh my God, now my neck's broken!

Wendell:
What! How could you even say that? I'm a freakin' force of nature here. Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew--

Xander:
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! ::crash::

Wendell:
Oh...I'll get you a new lamp.

Xander:
Yeah, that was actually a sconce.

Wendell:
Still though...

Xander:
Yeah, it's just...I kind of spent a lot of time developing the Awesome X brand.

Wendell:
Totally, yeah and it's understandable, you know, you're protective of it.

Xander:
And I hate for you to go up there and...

Wendell:
I get it.

Xander:
...get your fat ass handed to you.

Wendell:
Wow.

Xander:
Yeah.

Wendell:
You just, ah...went ahead and put it out there.

Xander:
Well...

Wendell:
Muffin Top X!

Xander:
Well...

Wendell:
Just so you know, this armor does not protect my feelings.

Xander:
Ok, you know what? Yeah, do it.

Wendell:
Really?

Xander:
Yeah, because either your dumb ass dies or you somehow manage to kill the unspeakable horror about to spew forth from my ex-girlfriend's womb.

Wendell:
Um...

Xander:
Cause ah, you know, big picture, child support...

Wendell:
You gonna...

Xander:
I'm not saying perform an abortion...

Wendell:
Oh my god...

Xander:
But, let's see if you can't stab that thing while it's still in her belly.

Wendell:
Could maybe stab her in the belly if I had a machete.

Xander:
Well...your words.

Killface:
I want to meet this hobbit of yours--Bobo T. Baggins. [pause] Oh my God, I just got that! I think I'm gonna throw up!

(Antagone is gloating about her soon to be born "chitinous spawn")

Sinn:
You know, I'm REALLY starting to re-think this whole "Sisterhood of Chaos" thing...

Val:
What?

Sinn:
Oh, not you!

Val:
Yeah, cause I'm, like, totally charming!

Sinn:
TOTALLY! (Antagone cackles again) Her, though...

Val:
Worse than Dane Cook.

[baby kicks in Antagone's womb]

Deceptatacle #1:
Whoa! Oh my god, that is adorable!

Antagone:
He's really getting worked up!

Deceptatacle #2:
Oh yeah, definitely some activity down here.

Antagone:
Can you see him, is he crowning?

Deceptatacle #2:
I don't know or care what that means.

Antagone:
He's gonna come soon, I can feel it!

Deceptatacle #2:
You can feel that?

Xander:
Mmm, yeah I'm gonna pass... on that... because it is retarded! Wendell!

Wendell:
Yes?

Xander:
Go kill that baby, buddy.

Scientist:
Now there's a movie I haven't seen.

Xander:
Uhh Vera Drake?

Scientist:
Didn't see it.

Xander:
It's... for an abortion movie? Pretty funny.

Scientist:
Let's rent it.

Xander:
Done! All abort! Toot toot!

Killface:
Son of a filthy, fat-titted whore! (Simon mumbles) Oh, piss on the swear jar!

Deceptacle #1:
Who the hell was that?

Deceptacle #2:
That's Steve, from machete squad.

Deceptacle #3:
We have a machete squad?

Deceptacle #2:
Yeah, that guy Steve's on it.

Deceptacle #1:
All right, let me get this straight. You're saying that Steve guy and the crab-man killed Sinn.

Val:
Yeah, then put me in her armor to make it look like I did it...

Deceptacle #2:
Damn, that Steve's crafty.

Val:
...then took off with the bug-lady to give birth in a secret location.

Deceptacle #1:
They're probably starting an ant-baby machete-squad splinter group! (All Decepticles gasp)

Val:
Steve mentioned that.

Wendell:
I just killed a man for her; she don't even know my name. High school all over again.

Doctor:
I can't believe you paid your daughter a million dollars never to contact you again.

Xander:
Hey, she's no angel. She signed the contract too.

Doctor:
Yeah...you were a huge dick.

Antagone:
It hurts!

Wendell:
Yeah, it hurts! It's f***ing ruined!

Wendell:
Big push, big push! Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop!

Antagone:
What?!

Wendell:
I'm gonna throw up. (Hovers to bathroom)

Antagone:
Get back here!

Wendell:
(in bathroom, having vomited) Do you have any Scope?

Antagone:
Get your fat ass back here!

Killface:
What are you doing here?

Xander:
Well, I'm not here to buy douchebags, so it doesn't really concern you.

Wendell:
You ever taken a dump and you throw up on your dick? (Discovers that Cody2 has eaten Antagone's head and right arm) Bad Cody II!

Wendell:
(taking off his belt) We are about to establish some boundaries.

Val:
(seeing Wendell and Cody II escaping) Now what do we do?!

Deceptacle:
Well, for starters, we're gonna need a bigger onesie.

Cliff:
Like, fifty times I said that.

Killface:
All right, robots, make 'em clatter. (Deceptacles do nothing) Means drop your weapons.

Val:
Well, now what do we do?

Deceptacle:
I don't know about you guys, but I'm not just gonna sit here while 600 pounds of crab meat goes bad!

Killface:
What on earth are you wearing?

Xander:
It's a halo, idiot! Not grab bars.

Killface:
Are those underoos?

Xander:
I'm Awesome X!

Killface:
Oh...

Xander:
Ta-da.

Killface:
I don't...know if I ever knew that. (Simon mumbles) Oh, you don't even know if you're gay or not.

Xander:
Snip-snap.

Killface:
Snip-snap, indeed.

Stan:
What about the World Court?

Taqu'il:
C'mon, man, the Hague is a f***ing joke.

Stan:
Good point.

(Xander's Phone):
Ca-at Par-taay...

Xander:
Hang on. Go time.

Killface:
"Cat Party." "Welcome to five months ago!"

Xander:
Welcome to "shut up, I'm on the phone"!

Killface:
I'm down with "Dog Party" now.

(Killface's Phone):
Do-og Par-taay...

Xander:
No wonder he loves cock...ney accents! (hums the opening bars of "Rule, Britannia!")

Deceptacle #1:
Aw yeah, get 'em in there! (Kicks barrel of mini-cobs into pool) Can't have a clambake without corn.

Deceptacle #2:
Can we have one without clams?

Deceptacle #1:
Okay, uh...this is now Lowcountry boil.

Deceptacle #2:
Yeah, I still think that has clams.

Deceptacle #1:
Well, I'm sorry the prison food truck didn't have a fresh load of quahogs, but let's still give it up to Curtis for lettin' us hijack it!

Taqu'il:
Man, this launch panel is just a breeder reactor wired to the ignition of a '98 Celica. Stan, I can hot-wire this.

Stan:
Um, we may have a larger problem. (Killface and Xander are holding him at gunpoint)

Killface:
Yes, I'm afraid you do.

Wendell:
Cody II is down!

Killface:
Mother!

Lady Mom:
Evelyn!

Xander:
Evelyn?!

Killface:
It's a man's name!

Lady Mom:
Why haven't you destroyed this planet?

Killface:
Well, uh, you see...

Lady Mom:
(gasps) And where are your clothes?!

Killface:
Welp... Funny story.