George Lopez, Season 2

Angie:
Where is the water and shelter for this animal?

Homeless Man:
It's in my vacation box at the beach.

Angie:
But they're mean to Toby and Toby is your best friend.

Carmen:
But she won't be there!

George:
Oh, see that only make sense because you're using teenager logic. It's the same kind of logic that gets your kind killed in horror films.

[George and Angie talk to Carmen]

Angie:
Look, honey, I know what you're going through. There was a time when I had to choose between the popular crowd and a sweet pudgy kid eating all by himself.

George:
Who was that?

Angie:
You don't know him.

[George straightens up]

George:
By the way, you didn't pick the pudgy kid. Pudgy kid picked you.

Mrs. Wilder:
Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, thank you for coming down. Let me start by saying Max is a joy to have in class.

Angie:
He's a joy at home.

George:
You know, and he likes you too. He draws all his favorite people in hell.

Mrs. Wilder:
Good! Look, Max is having real problems with his reading. Have you seen his centipede?

George:
...I don't know what that's gotta do with reading, but in our house we call that a "weenus."

Angie:
You know, kids need to be kept busy, or sooner or later they get into trouble. There's a report out that says that most underage sex, drinking, and hooliganism happens between 3:00 and 6:00 PM.

George:
Hooliganism? How old is that report?

Ernie:
Hey, what are you doing?

George:
Well, I'm still trying to find my dad. So I'm gonna run an ad in all the newspapers up in Northern California. What do you think? "I lost my father as a boy, mother told me he was dead. Found out he's alive, am now seeking to re-unite with him. Manny Lopez, 5'10", latino male, mid-50's. Will pay for any information leading to contact.

Ernie:
Hey, take a little advice from somebody who's written more than his fair share of personal ads. They charge you by the word. You can say the same thing with a lot less.

Ernie [crossing out words in George's ad]:
Just get rid of this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. Now read it to me.

George:
"Boy seeking latino male. Will pay for contact."

Ernie:
Well, at least it grabs you.

George:
Yeah, but where?

[Debbie knocks on the door at George's house]

Angie [waving at Debbie]:
Oh no, that's Debbie Mickens with the PTA coming to collect the money.

George:
"Collect the money"? What is she, the mob?

Angie:
Just write the check and we can go to the PTA meeting tonight.

George:
Alright. I don't want anyone making fun of Max. But this has gotten way out of hand. Not to mention, 500 bucks down the drain. That's a month of groceries. Couple months of gas, a new set of tires. 500 items from the 99 Cents store.

Angie:
Sign it.

George:
...25 anniversary gifts.

Curtis:
Man, you're still frozen on this website. What's... "Find a Family"?

George:
Oh, I'm trying to find my father. It turns out he's alive, man, my mom's lied to me my whole life.

Curtis:
Your mom's behind you, G.

George [yelling]:
TURNS OUT HE'S ALIVE. MY MOM'S LIED TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE.

[When George and Angie are showing Carmen pictures of sexually transmitted diseases]

George:
This is gonorrhea! [Carmen squeezes her eyes shut and moans] Bet you're not glad now you talked me into getting that color printer. [to Angie] The red really pops.

Benny [to Carmen] Your father didn't ruin my life. I ruined my life. Look, when you're young, you meet a guy who seems great and you forget about what's right or wrong and go to bed with him, and it's pretty good!

George:
Mom!

Benny:
I'm not going to lie. But then, he doesn't turn out to be as great as you thought and the next thing you know, you're alone with a baby. And while all the rest of your friends are out having a great time, you're up to your stretch marks in dirty diapers. I gave up all my pretty years for him. [points to George]

George [about Adam]:
Angie, does that moron have a hickey?

Angie:
Yep.

Carmen:
Run, Adam!

Angie:
You better run, moron!

George:
I gotta tell the kids I found their grandpa. Carmen, Max, get down here!

Angie:
You know you have to explain about his partner, Charles, too?

George:
Oh. Take your time, kids.

Carmen:
What's up?

George:
I got some great news and some interesting news. I think I found your grandpa.

Max:
Really?

George:
I might have even found you two grandpas!

Marisol:
[on the phone] Hey Junior. Nah, that was that fool I was telling you about. It's okay, I can talk.

....I know huh? I know huh? I know huh!

[George hangs up the phone]

Marisol:
Hey! That wasn't cool!

George:
I KNOW HUH! Sorry, no personal calls at work!

Benny:
[referring to Marisol] How's it going with Miss Home Invasion over here?

George:
I never should've let Angie talk me into bringing this girl here! She's sarcastic, she's rude... she's like you but with estrogen!

Benny:
I told you it was a bad idea to take her into your home, and it's a bad idea to bring her to work!

[phone rings, Marisol answers]

Marisol:
Powers Brothers Aviation....[to George] It's Mrs. Lopez.

George:
Oh, that's for me.

Marisol:
Sorry, no personal calls at work. [hangs up phone]

Benny:
I like her.

George:
What's with all the seniors? I can handle dog smell but old people smell?

Angie:
They're part of "Operation Christmas Rescue", they're wrapping gifts for disadvantaged children.

George:
This is your third new charity, I thought you were only going to do a couple hours a week?

Angie:
Well the gang people introduced me to the clothesdry people and it's really hard to say no when you're needed so much!

George:
Alright, but just don't bring any of your charity cases in my office.

Angie:
Why? What happened with Marisol?

George:
She's horrible! You know that guy who got fired and then came back to try and shoot up the plant? HE had a better attitude!

Angie:
You're just overreacting!

George:
Oh yeah? Well her and Ernie were playing chicken with forklifts, except Ernie wasn't even in a forklift, he was just running.

George:
[to Angie] I thought we were gonna watch movies tonight, I already rented some.

Angie:
Well I can't right now, George.

George:
Oh, this changes everything, I coulda gotten a movie I like. Instead of one that"ll..."Touch your heart and celebrate the triumph of the human- [snores]"

Angie:
Alright, alright, that is IT. A week ago, you guys didn't need me for anything but as soon as I find something I wanna do, you're helpless! Carmen, there's a sewing book by the machine, FIGURE IT OUT. And Max, I bet if you cleaned your room, you would find your bookbag, and George, make your own dinner and watch your CHICK FLICK. Everybody stop asking me to do things you could be doing on your own! I swear I've never met a more selfish bunch of people. [storms off]

[the seniors stare]

George:
What are you looking at, mind your own buisness.

[the seniors continue staring]

George:
I said mind your own buisness!

Angie:
[comes back] THEY'RE DEAF, GEORGE.

George:
Were there any calls?

Marisol:
Yeah.

George:
Well, who called?

[Marisol hands over a note with the messages she wrote down]

George [reading from the note]:
"The towers are moving and blowing the heating." That doesn't make any sense.

Marisol:
I know, huh?

George:
"The towers are moving and blowing the heating"... "The Powers are moving the Boeing meeting"!

Marisol:
Hey! Now this other message makes sense!

George [reading from Marisol's other note]:
"You missed your heating."

George:
Max, you wanna see the veins on grandpa's forehead pop out?

Max:
Yeah!

George:
Tell him how great Castro looks for his age.

Max [running to Vic]:
Grandpaaaa!

Benny:
Oh, hey, Mr. Peepers. Next show starts tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. sharp.

George:
I hope there's a 20 drink minimum.

[George and Angie talk about re-modelling Benny's bathroom]

Angie:
This is a big job. Shouldn't you hire professionals?

George:
Professionals?! Angie, please! I got this!

[Benny and Angie are talking about George]

Benny:
Oh, he's scared of death. Ever since he was a kid.

Angie:
He never told me that. Did something happen?

Benny:
Oh, just the kind of stuff that really is out of a parent's control.

Angie:
Like what?

Benny:
Like, um, I lied to him and told him that his dad died when he was four. That probably didn't help.

Angie:
Mm-hmm.

Benny:
And then, he was really scared, and he asked me if he was ever gonna die.

Angie:
And what did you say?

Benny:
I said no. I said, "When you grow up, they will have cured all of the diseases and you're gonna live forever." Now, that one wasn't my fault. Science let me down.

Ernie:
I'm sorry, George. I didn't know Marisol was coming back. I tried to paint it myself, but halfway through, it started looking like a monkey with boobs.

Marisol:
I know one monkey with boobs that owes me some money!

Ernie:
Oh, yeah? Well, get it from Mariah Carey, 'cause that's who you painted!

[Adam is throwing pebbles at Carmen's window; George throws one at the back of Adam's head; Adam turns around, startled]

Adam:
Please don't kill me, Mr. Lopez!

George:
I'm not gonna kill you. Back in the zoo, the bears don't kill their prey. They play with them a little first, then kill them. So come on, lets play!

Adam:
[scared] I don't want to play, sir.

Adam:
Can you give this poem I wrote to Carmen?

George:
Adam, there's a word for what you're going through. It's called being a giant wuss!

Adam:
Hey, I am not a wuss. [George rips Adam's poem in half] My poem!

George:
[to Adam] You realize that if I ever catch you around here again, I'll have to bury you next to Justin.

Adam:
Who's Justin?

George:
[stares at garden and sighs] He's what makes my roses bloom...

[Adam stares at the garden for a moment, then runs away frantically]

George:
Carmen, get down here!

Angie:
(to Benny) So, how did it go with the kids?

Benny:
Was I babysitting?

Angie:
Yes.

Benny:
In that case, they were a handful. You owe me twenty bucks.

George:
Carmen, good news.

Angie:
You're not suspended. Piper is.

George:
You can go back to school. Mr. Durango's gonna make sure none of the kids ever mess with you again.

Carmen:
I'm not going back.

Angie:
Carmen, everything is gonna be better now. Adam's gonna tell everyone that he lied.

Carmen:
You don't understand. It's too late. I'm the school whore now.

Angie:
Carmen, I think you're getting a little carried away. [Carmen walks over to the answering machine and turns it on]

Teenage Boy:
[over the answering machine] Yeah. This is Jason. I'd like to leave a message for the school whore. [he and another boy start laughing]

George:
Who are those boys? I'll get 'em suspended.

Carmen:
[starts to cry] Then suspend everybody! You know what else happened today? A boy followed me in the bathroom and asked me if I wanted to do it!

Angie:
[as she tries to comfort Carmen] Honey...

Carmen:
Another boy pulled up my shirt when I was walking down the hall! [cries] Please don't make me go back. Please! [hugs George as she cries]

George:
It's okay, baby. We'll figure something out. Go upstairs so your mom and I can talk. [Carmen goes upstairs]

Angie:
She's not wrong. She can never get her reputation back.

George:
I don't want to see her suffer like this for three more years.

Angie:
Me either. What are you thinking?

George:
Private school.

Angie:
That's what I was thinking. Can we afford it?

George:
No. We'll have to sell the boy.

George:
Is there a George Lopez here?

George II:
You got it, man.

George:
So you're George Lopez?

George II:
If we're playing 20 questions, it should be 20 different questions.

George:
[taking a look at a T-shirt] How does that work for you, man? You having fun being George Edward Lopez?

George II:
I didn't say my middle name.

George:
No, you didn't, did you?

[George II stands up, concerned]

George II:
Look, buddy, I got a button right here behind the counter.

George:
Hey, press it. I want the cops to come. Because *I'm* the real George Lopez.

George II:
Dude, what are you talking about?

George:
You went on the internet, got my information and stole my identity. You ruined my credit. What the hell is your real name?

[George II gets his wallet out]

George II:
[shows his license] It's George Lopez.

George:
Anybody could get a fake license. Quick, what's your social security number?

George II:
Psst. [grabs a skateboard and walks out from behind the counter] I'm not giving out my social security number.

George:
Why not?

George II:
Somebody might steal my identity.

[puts it with the others]

George:
Alright, I'll tell you mine. We'll say it at the same time. Ready? Go.

George & George II:
849-220-6460.

[George turns away, then back, looking serious. George II glares]

George:
Oh, no, you're good.

George II:
Look, I don't know how this makes up happening. I got some credit problems, but... I'm not a thief, man.

George:
Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Be at my work tomorrow at 9:00 AM. I wanna see your birth certificate, or I'm calling the cops. And if the cops don't find you, I will, and I'll kick your ass.

George II:
Kick all you want, dude. I skateboard. I can't feel anything down there. [George glares at him] I'll be there.

[George walks out]

Max:
Aunt Gloria kissed Dad!

Angie:
That's how people say goodbye, Max.

Max:
No, in the garage last night.

George:
Ohh...

Angie:
What?!

Max:
In her nightgown. The red one, not the black one! Dad said we should wait 'til she left to tell you.

George:
Left the city, man. Not the porch!

Jack:
You like me?

George:
Not really.

Jack:
That's 'cause I don't let you in. You know, George, sometimes late at night, I'm balled up in the fetal position, I'm naked, I'm holding a double bourbon and I am crying like a baby. But you will never see that.

George:
Thank you, Jack.

Gina:
Hey Benny, it must be nice to have a three-hour lunch break. I wish my son were the manager.

Benny:
Oh, have you got a son? I just thought a chunk of ugly fell off you.

Angie [to Max]:
Hey honey, you hungry? I made some veggie burgers. I got one left!

Max:
No way. Vegetarians are left-wing nutjobs. They undermine the beef industry and put a lot of good, hard-working Americans out on their butts.

Angie:
...What?!

Max:
That's what my head ranger, Mr. Dugan, says.

George:
Man, what are they teaching you over there? You're supposed to be learning about knots and wood carving.

Max:
Wood carving? Ha! Try to get a piece of lumber nowadays, with all these liberal tree-huggers.

Benny:
You know what I hate? You can't smoke in restaurants, but a mother can pull out her chi-chi's to feed a baby.

Max [to George]:
Can I get a gun permit?

George:
Dude, you still got cartoons on your underwear. No.

[George and Angie are mad at Carmen]

George:
Carmen, you are so grounded, coffee's gonna look at you and say "DAMN!"

Angie:
[to Marisol] I don't believe you. I bring you into my home and you betray me? There are two things that are keeping me from tearing into you right now, my son is sleeping next door and I'm pretty sure you could kick my ass.

Marisol:
I was only trying to help Carmen.

Angie:
Help Carmen? You could have got her killed. You weren't just going to a club, you were out looking for your psycho boyfriend.

Marisol:
I wasn't looking for Junior.

Angie:
Oh yeah? You don't know where he hangs out? You were shocked to run into him?

Marisol:
I don't know, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Get out of my way, prom queen.

Angie:
No, and you are NOT dealing with the prom queen, I was first runner-up.

Marisol:
[sarcastically] Wow, it's like we've lived the same life.

Angie:
I don't want to hear how tough you've had it. You already quit the gang, you got a job and if it were me, I would start to feel better about myself but I guess you still think you deserve a guy who treats you like CRAP.

Marisol:
Hey, you don't know how hard it was to leave him.

Angie:
Noooo, you're right, it's much easier to stay and be abused. GO AHEAD, throw your life away, cause I don't give a damn anymore. [leaves room]

Marisol:
[mutters] I screwed up, I'm sorry.

Angie:
[enters back in quickly] Now that you've apologized, we can work on your self esteem, I'll talk to George about you staying, nighty night. [closes door again]

Angie:
Where's Carmen? I want to talk to her.

George:
I told her to stay in the living room until Marisol's gone.

Angie:
Listen, I'm sorry, this was all my fault.

George:
Nice try but you're not getting anything out of me.

Angie:
George, it's not a trick, it's my fault, you can agree with me.

George:
So we're never helping anyone out ever again?

Angie:
Never.

George:
If someone's on the side of the road and they're dying, what do we do?

Angie:
Drive on by.

George:
And if somebody leaves a baby on the doorstep?

Angie:
Wait until nightfall and let the coyotes get it!

George:
[laughs] That's my girl. Well in about 10 minutes, This will all be over once Marisol's out of the house.

Angie:
Hey, listen about that-

George:
[interrupts her] NOOOO.

Angie:
You don't even know what I was gonna say! I got an idea.

George:
Angie, do you think the kids have favorites?

Angie:
No, I think they love us both equally.

[Max comes downstairs]

George:
Hey Max.

Max:
Hey dad.

George:
Answer a question for us. Your mom and I are both drowning and there's only one life preserver.

Angie:
George!

Benny:
Hey, so who are they firing? If it's Crazy Carlos, I'm not coming in tomorrow because he's a shooter.

George:
They're not firing anybody. They're making four people team leaders and one of 'em is Ernie.

Benny:
Ernie? Well, he can't lead a fly to dog poop!

[after Max and Ricky burned down the garage]

George:
[to Benny] What the hell were you thinking? How many times have I told you that this isn't putting out a cigarette?

Benny:
It wasn't me. I flick it to the neighbor's yard like decent people.

George:
[to Carmen] What the hell were you thinking?

Carmen:
Why are you accusing me?

George:
You snuck out of the house, you got a hicky, you smoked a cigarette, you are one hard lemonade away from arson.

Max:
I did it.

George:
I knew it. [to Carmen] What did you do to make your brother burn the garage down?

Max:
Ricky gave me a bottle rocket, and I shot it off, but I didn't know it would land on the garage. I'm really sorry, Dad.

George:
Sorry doesn't cut it. You can say goodbye to your allowance for the next year.

Max:
But Dad...

George:
No, I don't want to hear it. Max, you destroyed the garage. [realizes] Oh, man, my golf clubs! No, I put them in the car. No, I put them in the garage to clean them! No, I put them back. I don't remember!

Angie:
Come on you guys, let's just try to forget about the money and have some breakfast. How about some scrambled eggs, we'll call my dad for a loan and maybe some french toast?

George:
No, I'm not taking money from your dad.

Angie:
Okay, okay. Then how about some waffles, please just swallow your pride, and maybe some orange juice?

George:
Alright mom, we're all alone. Let's clear the air. Are there any more lies I should know about?

Benny:
Yes.

George:
What?

Benny:
Well there's a bunch of things. But I'm gonna space 'em out so I won't look like such a bad person.