George Lopez, Season 4

George:
[to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.

Carmen:
I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult and tomorrow night, I'm going out.

George:
[to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same. They're worse.

George:
[to Carmen] You were in hotel rooms. Don't think I'm going to believe nothing happened.

Carmen:
Nothing did happen! You want to take me to a doctor and get me tested? I'm still a virgin.

George:
We'll go to the doctor. It's 9:00 at night, We'll go to the emergency room.

Carmen:
Dad, I didn't do anything!

George:
Don't lie to me!

Carmen:
I didn't! You raised me better that that!

George:
No, I didn't. I was never there, I was always busy, I was too hard on you.

Carmen:
Yeah, you were. And every time Zack tried to get me to do something with him, I heard you tell me, "Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me or your mother about."

George:
Carmen, get your stuff. I'm taking you home.

Carmen:
No. No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with my friends.

George:
Friends? How do you even know all these people?

Carmen:
Well, Zack broke up with me in a club and I was crying in the bathroom and one of Chingy's dancers was there to cheer me up, so we just started hanging.

George:
Who's Chingy? [everyone in the room looks at George weirdly]

Carmen:
Who's Chingy?! I can't believe you. His videos are on all the time. "Balla Baby"? "Holidae Inn"?

Vic:
Hey, George ,you find Carmen yet? Hey, what's Chingy doing here?

[after Max went upstairs to bed]

George:
[to Carmen] All right. What the hell happened out there?

Angie:
Now is not the time, George.

Carmen:
It's none of your business anyway.

George:
Everything you do is my business.

Carmen:
You have issues.

George:
You're damn right I have issues. Look, I tried to give you everything I never had and you run away from it.

Carmen:
Oh, yeah. I have everything. I have a father and a mother who treat me like a baby and control everything I do.

George:
Carmen, you're lucky you have parents who care. Look, I didn't have a dad and I prayed that my mom would come home at 6:00 so I could see her before bedtime. If I was lucky, she came home drunk with the spins, so she'd have to hold on to me! That was my hug!

Angie:
George! Remember the literature? She's home safe and sound. We should be happy now.

George:
Look, Angie, don't try to pretend like everything's alright. Okay, it wasn't alright when last night you were crying.

Carmen:
Maybe you should've thought of that when you told me to leave.

Angie:
Stop it! We all need to give each other time to accept... [reaches for her brochure in her back pocket, reads it, then puts it back]... to accept the reunification process.

Carmen [about the mannequin sticking out of her bedroom wall]:
The mannequin represents my spirit trying to get out of a spiritual prison.

George:
Is your spirit so dumb it can't use the door?

Carmen:
You know, I still have my bag packed upstairs.

Angie:
Then go get it.

Carmen:
You don't mean that.

Angie:
Yeah, I do, because having you stay out all night at parties is no different than having you run away.

Max:
[to George] If you can't afford to buy Mom the ring, why don't you just tell her the truth?

George:
Max, someday you'll meet a woman and you will disappoint her. You'll lie and you'll feel bad, and that's how you know it's love. Now say goodbye to your bike and go do your homework.

[Vic arrives in the backyard and George gets his attention]

George:
Hey, Vic.

Vic:
Ah.

George:
Hold up. [goes into the garage and gets a golf club] Hey, man, I know you're having trouble with your game. How would you like my lucky putter?

Vic:
I can't just take your lucky putter, George, come on.

George:
You're right, give me $1,000.

Vic:
$1,000? What's going on? Money problems again?

George:
Angie picked out this ring I can't afford, and she thinks I'm gonna get it for her.

Vic:
George, George. A ring means nothing. I gave my wife a three-carat stone. But that didn't stop her from cheating on me. She even threw the ring at me during counseling when I called her a mattress-hopping whore frog.

[George goes into the kitchen and Vic closes the patio door]

Vic:
Change of plans, don't give her the ring.

George:
What? I just gave it to her. What do you think this was about, that shirt?

Vic:
You got me this for Christmas.

George:
Hey. [does a thumbs up] What's going on?

Vic:
Well, last night, I did something very stupid. I went to Happy Hour at Baja Beach, and you know, they got those giant margaritas.

George:
Get to the point.

Vic:
Well, I was drunk. So I called Angie's mother and told her I gave her diamond to a younger woman.

George:
What?!

Vic:
Oh, the whole bar cheered for me, man. [does a crazy dance and chanting] Whore frog! Whore frog! Whore frog!

George:
Vic!

Vic:
Sorry, George. Legally, the ring is hers from the ceruman that she demanded it back.

George:
Oh, man, the ring is Angie's now. Tell Emilina you lost it, tha-tha-tha-that someone stole it.

Vic:
Hey. If I don't give that ring back to Emilina, I would have to pay her $30,000.

Angie:
[to George] You saw me in my dress before I hid, didn't you? That's when the bad luck started!

George:
Sure, Angie. I ruined our string of bad luck with our dyslexic son, our runaway daughter and my mother who shows no sign of aging or disease whatsoever [Benny walks by coughing] A window just opened!

Angie:
[about homeschooling Carmen] Well, George, I do have time now because I'm not working.

George:
But homeschooling, Angie, that's a big commitment. Remember that special moment every morning when Carmen finally leaves for school and you say, "Thank god she's gone!"? You won't have that anymore!

George:
[to Angie] You know what you always say to me when I'm down? A door may have closed, but a window just opened.

Angie:
Am I really that annoying?

George:
Let's not go there while you're down.

Benny:
(as Rosie the Robot in the Jetsons sketch) Here I am, Mrs. J. I was just watching my favorite soap opera, "The Young and the Rustless." [laughs]

Doctor:
(in the Munsters' sketch, listening to George's heart) Your heart is as healthy as a horse's.

George:
(as Herman) It should be. It won the Kentucky Derby.

George:
(as Ward Cleaver, to Max) I'm not going to die. I eat red meat three times a day and smoke like a chimney just like the doctor says.

Angie:
[to Max] I know middle school can be tough, but remember bullies are just friends who don't realize how special you are.

George:
What kind of crap are you teaching him?! No wonder kids of all races are coming together to beat up Max!

[As Angie tries to prevent Max from doing a dangerous skateboarding trick in the backyard with his friends]

Angie:
[to Max] You remember the song Sammy the Skater sang? [sings] "You can still be rad with a helmet and some elbow pads."

George:
Órale, Angie. You know what other song Sammy the Skater sang? [sings in the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel"] "Shut up, shut up. You're making it worse. Now meet me in the kitchen."

George:
Last year, Max waited up for Santa. This year, he and his friends are going to wait on the roof and jack his sleigh. And God only knows what Carmen's going to do with the elves.

Winnie:
[about her daughter] Do you know why I call her Lil' Bit? Cuz she's just my little bit of heaven.

Lil' Bit:
[to Angie] Nice to meet you, ma'am.

George:
(to Carmen and Max) You hear that? She calls your mother "ma'am" and not just cause she's old, but out of respect too.

Lil' Bit:
[to Max] You know why they call me Lil' Bit? I won't do everything, but I'll do a lil' bit.

George:
[to Benny] You behave yourself or else all I have to do is shove you outside, yell "WILD BOAR!" and wait for the shooting to start. Then I'll have you mounted so the high school football team can rub your snout for good luck

[When Carmen shows up for Thanksgiving dinner drunk]

Winnie:
Angie, your daughter's stinking drunk.

Carmen:
I sure 'yam, but what else is there to do here except drink? Unless you want to make out with some tramp behind the Canyon Mart. [sees Lil' Bit] Hey, you're here!

George:
Our kids didn't get in this alone. Somebody gave my son a hickey and somebody gave my 15-year-old daughter beer.

Carmen:
You can get it anywhere around here, Dad. Everybody drinks and nobody cards you.

Winnie:
I'll have you know my oldest son has never had alcohol.

Carmen:
Pot head!

Winnie:
So that's where the ice cream is going.

George:
[to Benny] Just find the end of a pencil and hop on it, troll!

Benny:
You know, when I was a kid, I got a black eye for Christmas and I said thank you.

[When Carmen wants George to buy her a car for her 16th birthday]

Carmen:
Grandma, how old were you when your parents got you a car? [Benny laughs] Okay, Dad. How old were you when Grandma got you a car? ['George and Benny both laugh] Okay, okay. None of you got cars, but aren't you supposed to want better for your kids?

George [breaks out into laughter] HAA!! Hey, ask me how much I'm gonna spend on your wedding! [Benny laughs]

[As Carmen is all dressed up for her school debate]

Carmen:
I'm gonna distract Jason with my body and destroy him with my mind.

Benny:
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I've distracted with my body. Hell, I've destroyed with my body. I remember one time when I distracted one guy while I destroyed the other.

George:
I remember that day. You forgot to put a sock on the front door and I walked in on you. That was not a good Mother's Day for me.

George [to Jason] I want you to admit it. You're pushing my daughter to have sex.

Jason:
I haven't even brought it up.

George:
Don't lie to me.

Jason:
I'm not. I swear.

George:
Then why did she ask us for birth control pills?

Jason:
[in an excited tone] Really, she asked for birth control? No way! [George gives him a look] No way you should allow her to have those. No.

George:
So this wasn't your idea?

Jason:
Look, Mr. Lopez. I'm walking on eggshells with Carmen as it is, all right? I would never do anything to pressure her. I'm just glad she took me back.

George:
Damn! So it was her idea. All this time, I've been worried about boys pressuring her. I even told her all the tricks that guys would use to get her in bed. Oh, my God, I gave her a playbook! No matter what she says, nobody likes to just lie there naked and hug.

Angie:
[about Tammy taking a pregnancy test] The test was positive, but she's not. There were a few guys right before him.

Benny:
And Ernie was the prize?! What sideshow must have been going on in her bedroom?

George:
Mom, are you pregnant?

Benny:
Screw you! The one day I go without my control tops and I got to hear lip from my kid!

George:
I think Ernie needs to know before he shows up in the delivery room and there's four other guys there with camcorders.

George:
[to Carmen when Max complains about his braces] You're just jealous we fixed his problem, but we can't fix the problem with your legs.

Carmen:
What's wrong with my legs?

George:
Nothing if they come with coleslaw and biscuits, chicken legs!

Dr. Holland:
Kids learn how to deal with pain from watching their parents. Do either of you overreact to the slightest discomfort?

George:
Hey, I know pain. I had to deal with being abandoned by my father and not being abandoned by my mother.

Linda:
[to George] What are my real mother and father like?

George:
Well, our father's easy. He ran out on Mom before you were born. I didn't know him, but I tracked him down last year. I punched him in the face, he asked me for a kidney and he died.

Linda:
And my mother?

George:
Oh, yeah. She's kind of hard to describe in just a few words. She's a short, bitter, drunk. Actually, that covers it.

Linda:
[after finding out she was adopted] I woke up this morning and I was the only child of two loving, Italian parents. Now it's 11:00 p.m. and I'm a Mexican.

Max:
What's going on?

Angie:
Uh, you know how, uh, sometimes strangers come by and we find out they're related to your dad? Uh...uh, this is one of those nights. Go.

Max:
[as he goes upstairs] Carmen, they found another one!

[When everyone rushes out of the house]

Benny:
You big babies. It was just an aftershock. [several plates almost fall on her] What the hell? [another plate falls next to her]

George:
What's with the plates? Come on, God, quit teasing me! Tip over the fridge! Take her out!

[After Benny takes out a wad of cash from a book]

Angie:
Benny, how much money is this?

Benny:
$5,000, but you better not tell anyone what's in this book because I could kill you with what's in that book.

George:
Angie, when we first got married, I thought to myself that I don't deserve you. Now, after eighteen amazing years, I know that I don't. I'm the luckiest guy in the world, Angie and I love you. And if you would just stop trying to go golfing with me and realize that it's my time away from you, we would have the perfect marriage.

[When George and Angie learn that Jason's parents abandoned him]

Angie:
Well, what kind of parents just leave their kid and then go off to live in another country? That can't be legal.

George:
No, it's not. It's called abandonment. At least that's what the cops said they dragged my mom back from Tijuana and made her untie me from the lemon tree.

George:
Where's Carmen?

Angie:
At the library.

George:
Oh yeah? How do you know she didn't sneak over to Jason's house?

Angie:
Because she sent me a picture of her from the library on her cell phone. (hands cell phone to George)

George:
Man, I wish they had these when I was a kid. Mom I woulda sent a picture to Social Services of you hitting me.

Benny:
Come on, if you couldn't hold on to your sippy cup when I smacked you, what makes you think you could've held onto a phone?

(phone rings, Angie answers it)

Angie:
Hello?.....Carmen, slow down, what happened? Okay, we're on our way. (hangs up phone)

George:
What is it?

Angie:
Carmen and Jason just got arrested.

George:
What?! I thought you said she was at the library!

Angie:
She lied to us. There was a party at Jason's house and somebody brought drugs.

George:
Lemme see the camera phone.

(Angie hands over the phone, George takes a picture of Benny)

Benny:
Hey, what's that for?

George:
I'm gonna show her what a hard life of partying does, show me your ankles.

Benny:
Get out, get out. (angrily chases them out the house)

George:
Drugs, Carmen?!

Carmen:
Dad, I can explain. I didn't do any drugs.

George:
Let me guess, you were at the party and the drugs just happened to show up.

Carmen:
Yes!

George:
Is that you talking or the monkey on your back? How many colors do you see, huh junkie?

Angie:
George, stop it. STOP IT. (pulls Carmen aside) Carmen, what really happened?

Carmen:
Well, some guys from another school came and crashed the party, and started smoking pot and then the cops came and nobody would admit the drugs were theirs so they brought us all in for questioning.

George:
Oh, honey, why didn't you just say so? Now I believe you.

(flashes a flashlight in her face)

George:
Hurts, doesn't it, junkie?!

Angie:
George!

George:
Angie, her pupils are huge!

Angie:
They're dark brown, that's the way they always look.

George:
Really? They're not green?

Carmen:
What's gonna happen to Jason?

Officer:
Well if there's nobody to release him to, he'll probably end up in a group home.

Carmen:
(turns to George, worried) Dad, a group home!

George:
Oh c'mon Carmen, that sounds like fun! Bunk beds, sing-a-longs. [sings] Drive-bys are bad! Come on, making a quilt with the names of your fallen homies. "Gimme a sequin so I can put a teardrop on Spider."

Carmen:
(to the police officer) Excuse me, when is Jason McNamara gonna be released?

Officer:
He's not. He's a minor and his parents are out of the country. We have no one to release him to.

Carmen:
Jason can't spend the night in jail!

George:
I spent the night in jail once and nothing happened to me.

Carmen:
It's not the same, Dad, Jason's pretty!

Carmen:
Things are pretty good right now.

Kenzie:
No, they're not. You're Mexican. You're in pain. Your people have been raped and pillaged by the conquistadores. I am so jealous.

George:
What are you talking about? She was born in Burbank. She's got her own car and a closet full of clothes. You want to see a Mexican suffering, come back when I have to pay her cell phone bill.

Kenzie:
[to Carmen] You're just going to wait on them like that? You know they're only asking you because you're a girl. That's so sexist.

George:
You know what's funny, Kenzie? I ask Carmen something and sound comes out of your mouth.

Kenzie:
It is so sad. So much head and so little in it. I can hear it rattle.

George:
I never pushed Carmen.

Benny:
George, you can't win. If you push kids and they fail, then it's your fault. And if you push kids and they succeed... actually, I don't know what that's like.

George:
Look, Angie is the most important thing in my life and I'm not going to let some rich, good-looking dude make a move on her. God, I drove her to this. You know, last night, she was wearing the avocado mask and rollers. She had a little leg stubble. I should've just pictured Salma Hayek and went for it.

Vic:
[to Angie about Spencer Vogel] I paid him $10,000 to break it off with you and never see you again.

Angie:
You paid him to get out of my life? How dare you!

George:
Yeah, how dare you! Hey, man, you hated my guts and you never offered me a dime.

George:
Angie, there's something you need to know about your dad. Linda, he kissed our mommy. And I'm not talking about a peck on the cheek. I'm talking full-on mustache to mustache!

Linda:
What?!

Angie:
Daddy?

Vic [to Benny] You told!

Benny:
No, it was Ernie.

Ernie:
Hey, hey. I only told because it wasn't fair, all right? The only reason George let him go out with Linda is because Vic paid him two thousand dollars!

George:
Dude!

Angie:
What?!

Linda:
You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?!

George:
Why you gotta say it like that, negative?

Vic:
[to George] I want to date your sister and I'm going to.

George:
No, you're not because I forbid it!

Vic:
Forbid?! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You do not use that word on Victor Garcia Lantigua Palmero. Castro forbid me from leaving the island, but I did it! My parents forbid me from marrying Emilina, but I did it! The president of my condo association forbid me from having pets, but I feed stray cats every night! I do what I want!

[After George catches Jason in Carmen's room and suspects the two of them had sex]

Jason:
Mr. Lopez, you took me into your house. I wouldn't betray you like that. Besides, you'd be able to hear us. I mean, we can hear everything you're doing.

Angie [to George] You had to be a screamer.

Carmen [to George about Jason's father] Why does Jason keep trying to please him? Nothing he ever does is good enough for him.

George:
When you grow up without love, you'll do anything for it. When I was a kid, I considered lighting myself on fire so my mom would wrap me in a blanket and hug me.

Carmen:
That's awful. You and Mom love me unconditionally, right?

George:
We won't know until you're on fire.

Vic:
Okay, who wants their buns toasted?

George:
Wish me luck. I'm off to broker my first deal as an agent.

Angie:
What's in the briefcase?

George:
Breath mints and a little black comb.