Hawaii Five-0, Season 3

[Steve McGarrett has finally met his mother - and he wants some answers]

Steve McGarrett:
Yeah, why don't we start with Shelburne.

Doris McGarrett:
Shelburne was the code name the agency gave me. I'm s -I'm sorry.

Steve:
Agency? What agency?

Doris:
Before I met your father, I worked for an intelligence program that reported directly to the Pentagon.

Steve:
You were a spy?

Doris:
Yes.

Steve:
So, all those years that I thought you were a a schoolteacher, that was just a cover. And, um, were me and Mary just a cover, too?

Doris:
Shelburne was way before you and Mary.

Steve:
How'd you meet Wo Fat's father?

Doris:
He was an assignment.

Steve:
So, you were ordered to kill him.

Doris:
It was a little more complicated than that.

Steve:
Well, we got some time, so why don't you why don't you uncomplicate it?

Doris:
Okay. Like you, I served my country, but after I got married, I left the agency because I wanted to be a mother. Unfortunately, I could change my name, but not my past.

Steve:
That's why you pretended to be dead?

Doris:
When I made that choice, I knew that my life would never be the same. I knew that I would have to give up the only thing that meant anything to me- my family.

Steve:
So, why'd you do it, Doris? If that's even your real name.

Doris:
It was the name I was born with, and the name the name I went back to the day I met your father. [indignant at son's tone] And since when does a son call his mother by her first name? Since you failed to be one I didn't see any other options, Steve.

[Chin Ho Kelly goes after Frank Delano and finds him trying to hijack a van]

Chin Ho Kelly:
Where do you think you're going?

Frank Delano:
[shoots one round that somehow misses Chin, who shoots him in the shoulder. Chin closes door of van and aims shotgun at Delano, who's out of ammo] You're not gonna kill me. You said it yourself. You're not a dirty cop, Chin. Only a dirty cop would shoot an unarmed man. [attempts to pull out pistol but Chin Ho blows him away]

[Danny meets Steve just after he saw off Doris]

Danny Williams:
You okay? Your mother said that she exchanged gunfire with Wo Fat, right?

Steve McGarrett:
Yeah, right before he escaped out the window. Why?

Danny:
Crime lab just finished processing the safe house. Found evidence of only one weapon being fired in that bedroom. Ballistics matched it to the gun that Catherine gave Doris.

Steve:
All right? All three slugs were pulled out of the floor.

Danny:
So either your mother is a terrible shot, or she deliberately tried not to shoot Wo Fat.

Steve:
You're saying you think she let him get away?

Danny:
No, I'm asking: why didn't she kill him when she had the chance?

[August March is unmasked over killing Angela Branson and an indirect role in a lithograph heist]

Danny Williams:
Any idea how your prints ended up on the stolen artwork? I mean, gloves. That's what I would have done. I mean, I figure an old pro like you would know to wear gloves.

Steve McGarrett:
Thirty years in prison made you rusty, March.

August March:
Maybe it's just old age.

McGarrett:
Maybe.

March:
I'm not going back to jail.

McGarrett:
I don't think you have a choice.

March:
What are my options?

McGarrett:
I don't think you understand. You-you don't have any options.

[Over dinner with the gang at the Honolulu Hilton, Chin Ho reflects on how he met Malia]

Chin Ho Kelly:
The very first time I laid eyes on Malia, was right here on this beach. I was, uh, staying here at the Hilton while my apartment was getting repainted. There she was. She was riding these little ankle slappers, and she still managed to lose her board. ... I found her board, of course, but I told her she couldn't get it back until she agreed to go out to dinner with me... It didn't quite work out, though. She told me I could keep it. And then, about a week later, I get a knock on my door from some surf shop saying that the board is actually theirs, and I owe them five days rental...When she heard the news, um, she felt pity on me, and she called me.

[The US Coast Guard catches Danny and Steve at a yacht with a dead body aboard]

Danny Williams:
What else wrong do you think could happen? Maybe, if we're lucky, they'll have a trial at sea and they'll make us walk the plank.

Steve McGarrett:
Just relax.

Danny:
Hey, there ain't going to be too many more relaxes, okay?

Steve:
Look at it like this: You're going to have a great story to tell Grace one day.

Danny:
And the moral of that story is this: Never go deep-sea fishing with a Navy SEAL. No, no, scratch that-never go fishing with you. Should've used you for bait.

US Coast Guard Officer:
Sorry for the misunderstanding, Commander McGarrett, Detective Williams. Member of your team verified your credentials.

Danny :
Well, next time I get forced into the ocean at gunpoint, I'll be sure to have my credentials.

[The gang eats at Kamekona's with a tuna fish Danno caught as the main course. The fish tastes good, but..]

Kamekona:
I'll leave this with you, then. [gives Danny a piece of paper]

Danny Williams:
What is this?

Kamekona:
It's a bill.

Danny:
I see that it's a bill, but why are you giving it to me? I brought you a fish what are you charging me for?

Kamekona:
My cooking services.

Danny:
What?

Kamekona:
Superior life skills.

Danny:
What is that, like a corkage fee?

Kamekona:
Exactly.

Danny:
Oh, cooking what? What'd you cook? It's raw fish. You didn't cook anything.

Kamekona:
All right, you brought me fish, I gave you a meal.

[Steve sends Chin Ho Kelly to keep watch over his mother at home, even bring her some food]

Chin Ho Kelly:
Well, I hope you don't mind, but Steve asked me to bring you by some breakfast.

Doris McGarrett:
Oh, how nice. Except, um, the thing is I've already made breakfast and Steve knows that, so I really hope you're a better cop than you are a liar.

Chin Ho:
Excuse me?

Doris:
Coco puffs from Liliha Bakery. [takes a piece] Ah, that is really good work. I mean, appealing to my nostalgic side and everything, well, I'm sure Steve told you that I used to bring these every Sunday morning to him and his sister -but if there's one thing I learned at the CIA about using a diversionary technique, it's, um, avoid the obvious.

Chin Ho:
They're just coco puffs.

Doris:
They're still really delicious. They're even better with a cup of coffee.

Chin Ho:
Okay.

Doris:
You can tell my son that whether or not he cares to acknowledge it, I've been taking care of myself since before he was born and I'm actually pretty damn good at it. So, you can stay here and have that cup of coffee, talk Kukui High football, if you want that, I'm game -but if you're here just to babysit me, you can leave right now. But the coco puffs stay with me.

Chin Ho:
I'll take my coffee black.

Doris:
Good choice.

[Morty Sapperstein, Mary McGarrett's ward, talks to her on the Waikiki beach]

Morty Sapperstein:
Mary, I need you to do something for me.

Mary:
What? I'll do anything.

Morty:
I need you to go see your mother.

Mary :
I can't.

Morty:
You can't or you won't?

Mary:
Both. She disappeared from my life when I was ten years old, Morty. Gone. This whole time I've thought she's dead.

Morty:
But she's not. You get a second chance, kid. Other people aren't so lucky. I'd give everything I own to have a second chance.

Mary:
What are you talking about?

Morty:
Zoe Anne Sapperstein. My only daughter.

Mary:
You had a daughter, Morty? I didn't know you had a daughter.

Morty:
Yeah. We got into a fight over this boy she was seeing. Her mother and I disapproved. She left college and took off for San Francisco with the guy. We didn't speak for years. One day the phone rang. It was the Highway Patrol. Carpet salesman from Oakland had too much to drink. He fell asleep behind the wheel and hit my daughter's car. Killed her instantly. Not a day goes by I don't wish I'd picked up the phone and called her. I let the privilege of knowing her slip away because I was a stubborn SOB. Don't make the same mistake. Put away your anger. Go see your mother. You only have one family.

[Five-0 has just taken down Curt Stoner, and McGarrett checks his body. He suddenly sees Ben Keoki, Troy Ookala, and his own father smiling at him]

Ben Keoki:
We just wanted to thank you, Steve.

Steve McGarrett:
[shakes John's hand] Dad.

John McGarrett:
You're all I could've hoped for in a son, Steven. I'm proud of you.

Danny Williams:
Steve, come on!

Steve:
Give me a sec! [looks back to officers to see they're gone]

[Steve visits Wo Fat at Halawa]

Wo Fat:
Thank you for coming, Commander.

McGarrett:
Don't flatter yourself. I was coming even if you hadn't asked.

Wo Fat:
Yes. You want to know why your mother paid me a visit. I can answer that. But first, you're going to do something for me.

McGarrett:
And what's that?

Wo Fat:
You're going to get me out of here.

McGarrett:
Oh. Is that so? [startled at explosion and automatic gunfire] You set me up?

Wo Fat:
Yes, but not in the way you think. They're not here to break me out. They're here to kill me. And you're the only one who can protect me from them.

McGarrett:
From who? Who are "they"?

Danny:
[looks at Steve] On the phone you said you were bringing Shelburne back.

Steve:
Yeah, this is Shelburne. [points to his mom]

Doris:
[greets Danny] You can call me Mom, like someone should.

Danny:
"Mom"? Whose mom?

Steve:
That'd be mine.

Doris:
Doris McGarrett.

Danny:
Danny Williams. You know, uh, for a woman who died in a car bomb you are remarkably well put together.

Doris:
Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.

Catherine:
So, uh, your mom faked her own death and she's Shelburne. Well, if you didn't have mommy issues before this––

Steve:
That's cute.

Catherine:
I try.

Steve:
Come on, I'll introduce you. Doris, this is Lieutenant Rollins. She's on leave from Naval Intelligence.

Doris:
He refuses to call me Mom.

Catherine:
Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Doris:
Lieutenant Rollins, I told my son I didn't really need anyone to look out for me.

Catherine:
Oh, he's just being overprotective, ma'am. It's a SEAL thing, and please call me Catherine.

Steve:
I told you, if you wanna catch anything today, Danny, we gotta trawl.

Danny:
No, no, no. Trawling is not fishing. That is you just driving around on a boat, just like you driving my car.

Steve:
Time out. I thought the mission today was to get you your first tuna.

Danny:
Why does everything have to be a mission?!

Steve:
The goal is to help you catch your ahi.

Danny:
[interrupts Steve] There's no goal. There's no mission. We are just fishing. What that means is, we relax, we have a couple of laughs. Maybe we catch a fish, maybe we do not.

Steve:
All right. Well, this right here, this is called sitting on a boat and not catching anything. Just so you know.

Danny:
Fine. That's where the beer comes in. [goes to the cooler to get two bottles of beer]

Steve:
Save your energy. I'm gonna tow us, ok?

Danny:
How are you gonna tow us? We're miles away from land.

Steve:
Just relax Danny, I've done it before.

Danny:
Oh you've done it before. I see, 'cause you like this, huh? [Steve smirks at Danny ranting] This is fun for you, you enjoy this, this is a challenge for you, right? That skills test. "Be all you can be" and all that crap?!

Steve:
[deadpan] That's the Army.

Danny:
[spots a shark behind Steve] Right behind you!! Get in the boat!! Get back in the boat! [Steve climbs back onto the inflatable dinghy]

Steve:
It's a dinghy.

Danny:
It's a dinghy, huh? Even in the face of death you are annoying.

Steve:
Woah, that's a tiger shark, man.

Danny:
Tiger shark.

Steve:
Yeah

Danny:
Well, no big deal then right? Have you seen Shark Week? I don't wanna be like Shark Week, all right?! If that thing gets near you, you punch it in the nose, trust me.

Steve:
I'm not gonna punch it in the nose.

Danny:
That's what you're supposed to do! Otherwise it eats your hand. I'm telling you. I know this stuff.

Steve:
I'm not gonna disrespect this animal by provoking it.

Danny:
Don't get all "island" on me now, ok?

[Steve is woken up by a sound from downstairs and Catherine is now awake because of him. Steve gets his gun.]

Steve:
[sees Catherine taking the baseball bat] What do you think you're doing?

Catherine:
There's somebody downstairs.

Steve:
Which is why you're gonna stay up here where it's safe.

Catherine:
[scoffs] Oh, don't be a caveman. I'm coming with you.

Steve:
[sternly] No. You're not.

Catherine:
Then you're coming with me. [tiptoes out of the room]

[Steve and Catherine enter the kitchen]

Steve:
[points his gun at the "intruder"] Don't move! ["intruder" turns around and it's Doris] Mom?

Doris McGarrett:
Hi, honey.

Steve:
What are you doing?

Doris:
Uh, making eggs.

Steve:
No, I mean, what are you doing here?

Doris:
Stop playing with your gun and come have breakfast. Do you want orange juice? [Steve is speechless] [to Catherine] Good morning, Lieutenant Rollins. I, uh, hope I wasn't interrupting anything.

Steve:
[to Catherine] I told you it was safer upstairs.

Danny:
So what, she breaks into your house and just starts cooking?

Steve:
Yeah, pretty much.

Danny:
That's very strange. Although, she is a McGarrett after all.

Kamekona:
[serves Catherine her shrimp and rice] Whoa, that's twice in one day. You're getting to be a regular regular.

Catherine:
What can I say? This stuff is addictive.

Kamekona:
Mm-hmm. Beauty and brains. Where have you been all of my life?

Kamekona:
How do I look?

Steve:
You look like you're ready to report to SEAL Team Six, pal.

Kamekona:
Yeah? For real?

Steve:
For real.

Kamekona:
'Cause I was thinking. I know you said no weapons and all?

Steve:
Yeah?

Kamekona:
But if you let me borrow some of those smoke grenades, I'm really gonna look legit.

Catherine:
What could possibly go wrong?

Steve:
You know, no, no. We discussed that earlier. No, no, uh, heavy ordnances, okay?

[Steve and Catherine are watching a movie together on his couch.]

Catherine:
[grins] I don't know what's sadder. The fact that you use this lame movie to hook up with girls, or the fact that it actually worked.

Steve:
[mischievously] Clearly I don't know what you're talking about.

Catherine:
Oh please, you put on a scary movie with the girl falling in your arms. It's all just a little bit obvious.

Catherine:
Don't beat yourself up about that. Grace is at the age where, you know, she's discovering her independence.

Danny:
She's 10. What independence? And if I can't compete now, what's gonna happen when she gets to high school?

Catherine:
Wait till she starts dating.

Danny:
Dating? [Catherine nods her head] What, are you trying to make me feel better? You're not doing a very good job.

Danny:
You going to a hip-hop class later or what?

Max:
Halloween party. This year I decided to continue my tradition of Keanu-themed costumes by dressing up as Ted "Theodore" Logan from the 1989 classic Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Steve:
[does a ILY sign] "Party time." [looks at Danny] Excellent.

Danny:
No, no, no.

Max:
That catchphrase is from Wayne's World. What you are looking for was simply "Excellent" or "Party on, dude," but thank you for the effort.

Steve:
Okay, it was very close.

Danny:
What's up?

Steve:
Heard you went dress shopping.

Danny:
That's right.

Steve:
There something I should know?

Danny:
Something? Yeah, I like to wear dresses. Why do you always go for the cheap shot?

Steve:
Subtlety doesn't work with you. A hammer is always best. I'm just hoping you got something with a nice, plunging neckline so you can show off that Chewbacca chest.

Danny:
There's a father-daughter dance tonight.

Steve:
Oh but you can't dance.

Danny:
Sure, I can dance. I just choose not to.

Chin:
That's a smart move.

Danny:
Excuse me?

Chin:
You forget I saw you dance at my wedding, brah.

Kono:
Yeah, the overbite shuffle. I remember. [Chin and Steve chuckle]

Danny:
Is everybody done with their cute critiques?

[While he and Danny are driving to a suspect's house, Steve calls Catherine for a favor.]

Catherine:
Lieutenant Catherine Rollins, assistant to Steve McGarrett. How can I help you?

Steve:
[Danny is chuckling in the background] [embarrassed] Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I can't live without you?

Danny:
[whispers to Steve] No, no, she's way too smart to fall for that.

Catherine:
You really think I'm gonna fall for that?

Danny:
[smirks at Steve] See?

Danny:
I cannot miss it.

Steve:
You're not gonna miss it.

Danny:
Okay, well, don't jinx it.

Steve:
How–– I'm not–– I'm not gonna jinx it.

Danny:
Okay, well, don't say anything else about it.

Steve:
[after an awkward silence] You gonna wear a suit?

Danny:
What'd I just say? What did I just say?

Steve:
You told me not to talk about the dance. I'm talking about your wardrobe.

Danny:
What I choose to wear and tonight's dance are directly related.

Steve:
Okay.

[In a flashback to 2001, Danny is talking to Rachel on the phone]

Danny:
Yes, yes, I am scared, all right? I am also anxious and nervous. I am discombobulated-- yes, I use that word. But, most of all, I am happy. Okay? Let me break it down-- I am 60% happy, I am 30% completely terrified, and I am 10% discombobulated. Yes, it is a real word. See? This is why you suck at Scrabble.

Steve:
You're his caregiver?

Mary:
Yeah, the flight attendant thing didn't work out so well. Steve, listen please. I really think that this could be my true calling. I love taking care of people.

Steve:
Well, that's funny, Mary, because you can barely take care of yourself.

Morty Sapperstein:
[mischievously smacks Mary's behind] We take care of each other. Don't we, doll?

Mary:
Morty, do you remember our conversation - about professional boundaries?

Morty:
No. Memory's not so good.

Steve:
[unamused] How about this, Morty, you touch my sister again like that, I'm gonna break your hand.

Doris McGarrett:
[disappointed that Mary isn't with Steve] She's not coming, is she?

Steve:
I mean, you can't blame her, Mom. She thought you were dead.

Doris:
Where's she staying? [Steve says nothing] Okay. I'll just track her down myself. Acquiring target locations is actually a specialty of mine, so––

Steve:
Mom. Mom, Mary's your daughter; she's not a target.

Doris:
I'm sorry.

Steve:
Look Give her some space, okay? Give her some time. When she's ready, she's gonna come to you.

Doris:
And what if that never happens? [Steve's phone rings] Is that her?

Steve:
No, no, no, stand down, Mom. It's work.

Doris:
[chuckles] Did you just tell me to stand down?

Steve:
Affirmative.

Kong Liang:
You done? I want to talk to my lawyer.

Danny:
What, exactly, are you gonna tell your lawyer? Huh? That Five-O raided your illegal hack shop, during which you fired a big cannon at my face. And then following your apprehension, we download everything on these goofy little computers, and we find out that you are indeed a world-class cyber thief. Go ahead, call. Use my phone, I'll dial it for you.

Kono:
So what killed him, the fire or the car?

Max:
My preliminary examinations indicate that the immediate cause of death was blunt-force trauma due to impact with the car. However, if the victim was not set ablaze and hit by the car, he would have died as a result of the gunshot wound he sustained to his chest.

Kono:
Okay, so he was shot, burned and hit by a car? Wow. This guy's having a great day.

Police Officer:
We got metal detectors out in the field and picked up a nine-millimeter shell casing.

Max:
But that's not all.

Kono:
Please don't tell me he was poisoned or stabbed.

Max:
As far as I can tell, he was not. However, I did detect traces of accelerant on his body - gasoline.

Kono:
: Okay, so he was shot, doused with gasoline and then left in a sugar cane field that was about to be burned.

Monique:
Let me guess, you're a cop?

Danny:
Uh, yes, I'm a cop. What gave it away?

Monique:
Slacks and a button down.

Danny:
Ha! Well, at least I'm not wearing a tie, right?

Nina:
How old's your daughter?

Danny:
My daughter. How do you know I got a daughter? You run a background check on me?

Behati:
No. You have some glitter on your shirt.

Danny:
Williams: Oh Yeah, she's, uh she's obsessed with the stuff.

[Steve is speaking to the Aloha Girls around the campfire while Danny and their chaperon Madeline sit at the side looking on]

Steve:
I once saw a boar kill a tiger in India. This is serious business, okay? I'll tell you why. Boars are deadly, unpredictable beasts. They are everywhere on this island. They are all around us right now. They can attack without warning, so you guys have to be ready to protect yourselves at all times. You understand? [the girls nod in fascination] Good. We're gonna talk about the kill zone now. This is very important, okay?

Madeline:
[to Danny] Seriously? "Kill zone"?

Danny:
[looks apologetically at Madeline] I am very sorry.

Madeline:
I thought you brought him here to teach them survival skills. You brought Colonel Kurtz.

Danny:
Let's, um let's take this opportunity to talk about something else. Um, something useful, like how to find fresh water. Or, uh-- I don't know-- how to build a pillow out of-of flowers, something like that, something appropriate for the age group.

Steve:
Yeah, we could definitely do that. Okay. Or Who wants to learn how to do that? [throws his knife into the tree trunk, girls look at him in awe]

Danny:
[to Steve] You know what? There's something pathologically wrong with you.

Danny:
You know, on the plus side, we've figured out that camping is terrible, as I've always believed.

Steve:
Are you kidding me? These girls are never, ever gonna forget this experience.

Danny:
Yeah, I'm hoping that they're repressing the memories as we speak.

Steve:
[Danny helps him back on his feet] Thanks.

Danny:
Yeah, no problem.

Steve:
So, how's the arm?

Danny:
It also hates camping.

Grace:
I talked to Lucy today.

Danny:
Yeah? How's she doing?

Grace:
Happy to be home. She said one day she's gonna marry Uncle Steve when she grows up.

Danny:
[chuckles] Well, we will not hold that against her, right?

Duke Lukela:
[seeing McGarrett bring in a criminal who attempted to carjack him, sarcastically] Looks like somebody made Santa's naughty list.

Steve:
Hey. Max got an ID yet?

Danny:
No, he's still fishing out body parts. I think he's enjoying it, too.

Eric:
I can't believe that was a person. Crispy.

Danny:
Um, I told you my nephew was maybe gonna come visit from Jersey. Well, that happened. Here he is.

Eric:
[greets Steve] What's up, bro? Call me E-Train.

Danny:
[annoyed] Put your hand down, okay? That's not your bro, your name's Eric.

[...]

Danny:
My sister's worried sick, does not know what to do with him. So she sent him to me, maybe I can, I don't know, scare some sense into him.

Steve:
How's that working out?

Danny:
He just saw his first dead body and he's still acting like a complete idiot so, I guess I have my work cut out for me.

Danny:
[about Eric] It's like, uh, house-training a puppy. I mean, the kid has zero impulse control.

Kono:
People have a way of surprising sometimes.

Sang Min:
How can a girl who's so spicy also be so sweet, huh?

Kono:
Don't make me change my mind.

Danny:
Thought nobody wore a tie in Hawaii.

Steve:
No, they don't, but, you know, it's a special day, so I thought I'd wear one. 'Course, I'm wearing my dress blues. They'd make me walk the plank if I don't wear a tie with the dress blues.

Danny:
How come the blues are black?

Steve:
I know they're black; I don't know why.

Danny:
Thank you very much for being here-- it means a lot.

Danny:
[after Steve gets orders from Governor Denning to investigate a case] Is this official business, or is this a favor?

Steve:
What difference does it make?

Danny:
Well, it makes a very big difference, you see, because official business is, uh, official. A favor is like a quid pro quo kind of deal, right? You solve this murder case for me, and I will give you, uh, oh, five days' paid vacation. Right? Or tickets to Monster Truck Jam, or whatever.

Steve:
Monster Truck Jam's not in town.

Danny:
Okay, so then it is, indeed, official business.

Steve:
Exactly.

Danny:
It seems to me like we're taking a case just to protect the governor's friends.

Steve:
We're the governor's task force.

Danny:
Then why does it feel like we are performing janitorial services, blindfolded, I might add.

Steve:
We've been given a directive, Danny.

Danny:
Oh, right, I understand. When McGarrett gets an order, he takes the order. You know what you're like? You're like one of those windup toy soldiers. Let me get you a drum for Christmas to beat.

Steve:
[hands Mick a manila envelope] I need a full surveillance package on this target.

Mick Logan:
[takes a photo out of the envelope] Who is she?

Steve:
It's my mother.

Mick:
[looks up at Steve] Kid, you don't need a P.I., you need a therapist.

Steve:
Trust me, she's not your average mom. She's a former government agent. She disappeared from my life 20 years ago because of an assignment, now she's back says she's changed. I don't believe her. She goes dark a few hours every day. She racks up too many miles on the odometer. I want to know what she's up to.

Mick:
Well, why come to me? You've got the resources to handle this.

Steve:
No, I don't want my people involved. Besides, there's no one better than you at recon and surveillance.

Mick:
Full surveillance package means I'm on her 24/7. That's audio, stills, video Good chance I'll see your mother naked.

Steve:
[annoyed] Okay, you know, I didn't need to know that.

Mick:
Just sayin'.

Danny:
[about Kamekona's gun] Wow, now, this is insult to injury. This guy's got The Guns of Navarone.

[Danny and Steve just stopped Kamekona from seeking revenge for the death of his cousin.]

Danny:
You do this, you're gonna end up in prison, and we do not want that.

Kamekona:
I'm touched.

Danny:
Don't give me a puppy-dog sad eyes, please. You're not off the hook.

Steve:
You're on house arrest till this I over.

Kamekona:
I've got an island to feed, brah.

Danny:
Okay, then you are on shrimp truck lockdown till otherwise advised. Is that clear?

Kamekona:
Like the sweet waters of Hanauma Bay.

Steve:
Problem?

Danny:
No.

Steve:
Then why are you staring at me?

Danny:
You hired somebody to run surveillance on your mother?

Steve:
Okay, I know what you're gonna say.

Danny:
Well, what am I gonna say?

Steve:
That hiring somebody to spy on their mother is the act of a crazy person.

Danny:
Uh, yeah, I would've used different words like, uh, "whack job" or "psychopath". "Crazy" works, though. It works.

Steve:
I had no choice, Danny, okay?

Danny:
Have you ever tried speaking to your mother like a like a human being, like normal people do?

Steve:
What am I going to say? "Mom, I know you're running a covert op. What is it?"

Danny:
Yeah, that would work.

Catherine:
[joins Steve on the couch] Well, I can't believe that you passed up my grandmother's ragù for a beef stew MRE.

Steve:
I had a craving.

Catherine:
For military rations?

Steve:
Can you do me a favor and pass me that canteen behind you there, please? [points to the canteen on Catherine's side]

Catherine:
You know what, I got my camo in the car. If you want, I can throw them on and we can play out this whole "trapped in a foxhole" fantasy thing you got going on right now.

[Steve looks at Catherine for a few seconds and they start making out on the couch.]

[Danny and Steve were arguing about which of Peyton Manning or Tom Brady is the better quarterback of their generation]

Kamekona:
Look, I think the takeaway is we're living in the new golden age of quarterbacks. We got Brady, Manning, Rodgers, Brees. It's almost an embarrassment of riches.

Steve:
[pauses] That's a deeply insightful analysis.

Kamekona:
I just hate to see you two guys fight.

Danny:
[looks at Steve] Fight?

Steve:
This isn't fighting.

Danny:
So let me get this straight. You're telling me people, they pay good money to get chased around and shot at with a pellet gun?

Steve:
Everything about these guns is real except for the ammunition they fire. Trust me, those training rounds, they pack more of a punch than you'd think.

Danny:
I'll take your word for it.

Steve:
You know what? We should come and do one of these tactical simulations sometime. It's fantastic for team building.

Danny:
No, no, no. Listen, working with you is harrowing enough, okay? I do not need you hunting me for sport.

Steve:
You're right. It wouldn't be much of a challenge.

[Kamekona, Max and Flipper are in the stands at the Pro Bowl. Max is wearing a Japan national football team jersey.]

Kamekona:
You realize this is not that kind of football, right?

Max:
I'm being ironic.

[Steve is teaching Kamekona how to fly a helicopter using a flight simulator video game at his house]

Kamekona:
Ten-year post-parole plan is working out. I got my shave ice, I got my shrimp, and when I officially open Kamekona's Island Tours, that'll be my entrepreneurial peak. Like King Kamehameha landing on Waikiki, I'll rule Oahu.

[Catherine comes back from a surf sporting a bikini. Kamekona and Steve both look at her]

Catherine:
Aw boys and their toys. How cute.

Kamekona:
This ain't no toy, sistah.

Steve:
That's right. This is the most technologically advanced flight simulator on the market.

Catherine:
Huh. Well, it looks a whole lot like a video game to me.

[Steve and Kamekona turn back to the video game]

Steve and Kamekona:
[on TV screen, simulator helicopter is about the crash] Oh up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up! What are you doing? Pull up! Pull up! Pull up, up, up, up, - up, up - Oh!

Catherine:
[amused at their reaction] Got two words for you: game over!

Steve:
If you crash a helicopter full of paying customers, it's not gonna be good for your tour business. You understand?

Kamekona:
I was distracted, brah. Sistah came in dressed like that. How am I supposed to not look?

Catherine:
Aw. Kammy, if you hadn't crashed in the middle of the ocean, I might have taken you out for a drink.

Kamekona:
That's the beauty of a flight simulator. When you flame out, just hit restart.

[...]

Steve:
[after he gets called to a case, to Cath] I got to go. See you later?

Catherine:
Hope so.

Kamekona:
Don't worry. I'll bring her back in one piece.

Steve:
Repeat after me: Altitude is my friend.

Kamekona:
"Altitude is my friend." Roger that.

Danny:
Why would a tourist want to be put into a cage and then dunked into shark-infested waters? It makes no sense.

Steve:
'Cause they're on vacation. You know, they want some some excitement, some adventure.

Danny:
They need to do therapy.

Danny:
What I do know is that I do not do not feel comfortable with that man piloting three tons of steel over the town where my daughter lives.

Steve:
Maybe you'd like to explain to me how your fingerprints ended up on this discarded gas can right by the crime scene.

Craig:
Eye for an eye. It's in the Bible.

Danny:
So is, "Thou shalt not kill." You skip that chapter or what?

Craig:
Hey, my brother was murdered. What, do you expect me to go back to work?

Steve:
No. We expect you to mourn, and then plan a funeral for your brother. Not go out and try burying more people.

[Steve, Danny and Max are in Kamekona's helicopter flying over the islands. Max suddenly starts singing the Magnum, P.I. theme.]

Danny:
Hey, hey! What are you doing? You getting a seizure? Stop it.

Max:
I just felt the Magnum, P.I. theme was appropriate.

Kamekona:
Oh, I used to love that show. Higgy Baby was the man.

Max:
I was very fond of Higgins myself. And Commander McGarrett shares the same Navy SEAL lineage as Magnum, and... [looks sheepishly at Danny]

Danny:
And what? What? I'm not Rick, okay?

Max:
Well, everyone can agree that you're Commander McGarrett's humorous sidekick. [Steve chuckles]

Kamekona:
And if we're playing this game, it's obvious who I am: the dashing chopper pilot, T.C. [gang hums theme]

[During SEAL training in December 2000, Joe White tempts the recruits about quitting the course, but sees Freddie Hart looking nervous]

Freddie Hart:
[shivers] "I will never quit! I persevere and thrive on adversity! My nation expects me to be physically harder and mentally stronger than my enemies!"

Joe White:
What the hell are you doing, Hart?

Hart:
Reciting the philosophy of the Navy SEALs, Chief!

White:
No, you don't have what it takes to be a Navy SEAL, Hart. Navy SEAL is a man. A man who will lay down his life. A man who will persevere in the face of adversity. You are two steps below plant life, boy!

Hart:
[continues reciting] "If knocked down, I will get back up every time. I will draw on every remaining ounce of strength...

White:
[cuts in at "strength"] Words, Hart, meaningless words, to a pantywaist, dribble-chin orangutan like you.

Hart:
"to protect my teammates and to accomplish our mission. [after White speaks] I will never fail."

White:
Move out! [recruits start running]

[Steve is telling Catherine about Freddie and flashes back to when he had just stopped Freddie from quitting BUD/S training by ringing the chief's bell, then Joe White ordered them to bearcrawl back to barracks in the rain]

Steve:
Yeah, it was just me and your old man and a bottle of whiskey. All right, and he opened up to me, started giving me this speech about how a man needs something to believe in, something to fight for. And according to him, there was no greater cause than the United States of America.

Freddie:
He said all that, huh?

Steve:
Yeah, he did.

Freddie:
Yeah? Okay?

Steve:
You know what else he said? He said the proudest moment of his life is when you joined up for SEALs.

[present time]

Steve:
They say every BUD/S class has its surprises. Freddie was ours. After that night, he was unstoppable. He became the best student, the toughest soldier, the guy that everybody could depend on. He never, ever gave up.

Catherine:
I think some of it must have rubbed off on you.

Catherine:
What exactly you drinking there?

Steve:
That is snake's blood and rice wine.

Frank:
God's nectar.

Steve:
It's also an aphrodisiac.

Frank:
36 hours of lead in your pencil, and doesn't cost $13 a pill.

Steve:
You know? That's too much information, Frank.

Frank:
[warns Steve and Catherine] If you make it to the end, you're in North Korea. Only problem after that-- heavily fortified group of terrorists that are not known for hospitality. If, by chance, you make it out alive, you're stuck in a country of 25 million people who hate Americans.

Savannah Walker:
Hi Commander McGarrett.

Steve:
Hi.

Savannah:
Hi, I understand you were handpicked by the late Governor Jameson, uh, to lead Five-O, and tasked with cleaning up crime on the islands. That's, um, a pretty awesome task.

Steve:
[looks uncomfortably at Savannah and then the camera] Uh, I'm sorry, was I supposed to say something back to you?

Savannah:
[speechless] Well, that's how an on-camera interview works. I, um, ask the questions, and then you answer.

Chin Who is Wo Fat? Wo Fat is a ruthless son of a bitch. [catches himself] W–Wait, can I say that on TV?

Savannah:
You already did.

Savannah:
Sadly, after this interview, I learned that Lieutenant Kelly lost someone very dear to him, his wife, Malia, as a direct result of a Five-O investigation. Now, out of respect, I won't go into further detail, but what I will tell you is that despite their personal losses, Five-O has forged an incredible bond, one akin to family, or what the locals refer to as "ohana".

[Savannah is sitting at the back of Danny's car as he and Steve are driving to question a suspect]

Savannah:
Okay, let me get this straight-- this is Detective Williams' car, but Commander McGarrett does all the driving?

Steve:
It's 'cause I'm the better driver.

Danny:
He's a control freak. That's why he drives.

Steve:
And he's got issues with, uh, the truth.

Savannah:
Okay.

Danny:
[looks at Steve] Why don't you tell her about the remote control thing you got?

Steve:
What remote control thing?

Danny:
The thing where you come to my house and you grab the clicker and you got to be in charge and you got to pick which TV station we watch.

Steve:
Okay, the way I was brought up...

Danny:
Uh-huh.

Steve:
[shrugs] ...it's polite to let the guest choose, oh, what you're gonna watch on TV, all right?

Danny:
Okay. Fair enough. What about having to be first through every single door? Or having the last word every conversation? Or picking where I eat lunch every single day?

Steve:
You.

Danny:
Why? What-what does Emily Post have to say about that? Hmm?

Steve:
I mean, you're indecisive. I can't help it if you're indecisive.

Danny:
I'm not indecisive. You're a control freak.

Savannah:
[to the camera, Steve and Danny continue arguing in the background] These two fight, but really they love each other.

Danny:
You got a lot of heart, showing up with that haircut.

Steve:
You know, I find it difficult to be insulted by a man who uses more product in his hair than most women do.

Catherine:
So, what'd you want to talk to me about?

Kono:
I need a favor.

Catherine:
All right, Steve's usually the one asking for those. He sending you to do his dirty work?

Kono:
No. This one's for me.

[Steve and Doris are let go by Tyler Cain after Steve destroys the microfiche, and head down the elevator]

Steve:
Wade, ready for pickup in 60 seconds.

Wade:
Copy that.

Steve:
[looks at her] You okay?

Doris:
Do you realize what you just did? [Steve flashes her the microfiche she actually saw him burn] Wha...?

Steve:
You see that? All those magic tricks you showed me as a kid-- you thought I wasn't paying attention. [sees her smile] You're welcome.

Doris:
[laughs and sighs] Son, let's go home.