How I Met Your Mother, Season 6

[Barney has just called dibs on a hot girl Ted asked him to make a short glance at. Ted is not amused]

Ted:
You can't call dibs on a girl that I've been sitting here thinking about eventually talking to at some point!

Barney:
You never called dibs.

Ted:
Dibs were implied!

Barney:
"Implied" dibs?

Ted:
Yeah.

Barney:
Ted, you are spitting on the grave of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib. It was 1652, the SS Dibs was lost at sea-

Ted:
I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep [points pen at Barney] this simple: You go over there and talk to that girl, I'll see you in court.

Barney:
Who's gonna represent you? Dibs-on-Marshall's-my-lawyer!

[Lily's caught by surprise at learning that Marshall's parents will live with them in the baby's first three months]

Lily:
You know what, Marshall, why don't you have a baby with your Dad?

Marshall:
Oh okay, Lily. Why don't you have a baby with your butt?

Lily:
What?

Marshall:
AAARGH! [stands up] I can't think straight! Why do you have to wear that shirt? [referring to Lily's shirt showing much cleavage] This is NOT HOW I THOUGHT THIS NIGHT WAS GOING TO GO!

[Inside the Move This truck on the way to Sam Gibbs' house, Ted and Robin discuss how to market him to a blind date.]

Ted:
[to Robin typing on Blackberry] Ted Mosby is solid as a rock. No, dependable. No, rugged. No-

Robin:
Why don't I go to the Chevy website and copy down the adjectives?

Ted:
I just want to hit that perfect middle ground.

Robin:
How about if we just go wildly to both extremes and let them balance each other out? [reads message] "Ted Mosby is really handsome but extremely violent and really rich, but lacks bladder control-" [truck hits bump; Ted and Robin are jolted] Oh damn, that last bump just made me hit Send.

Ted:
No, no.

Robin:
Don't worry, everyone will get it's a joke.

Ted:
No they won't, they'll think…wait. Everyone?

[Lily, Marshall, James, and Barney at the cab also received the message]

Barney:
[reads message] "Really rich"? [Everyone laughs]

[The gang just saw James finally meet his real dad and Barney acts like he found his father as well]

Lily:
Don't worry, we'll snap Barney out of this one when he gets back.

Marshall:
Or we could just let him have this one.

Lily:
Are you kidding?

Marshall:
Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home, he finally admitted Bob Barker's not his dad, and he watched James meet his real father, it's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. Can't we just let the guy be black for a day?

[Ted has decided not to take GNB's offer to design the headquarters again]

Lily:
But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.

Ted:
I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.

Marshall:
Dude, none taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...

Ted:
For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.

Marshall:
...But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan…with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.

Ted:
[addressing his architecture class] Unfinished. Gaudí to his credit never gave up on his dream, but that's not usually how it goes. It usually isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown pointy church from getting built, most of the time it is too difficult or expensive, or too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there and until you finish it always will be.

[The gang debates about what the essence of being New Yorkers really is]

Ted:
I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.

Lily:
No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.

Marshall:
No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.

Robin:
Those rules are all stupid, okay? I've never done any of those things

Future Ted:
By the end of this day, Robin would have done all of those things.

[Future Ted is explaining why Barney needed to win the race]

Barney:
[excited] And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary, and this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group…

Future Ted:
[interrupting the story] Actually, Barney did not need a win.

[Ted and Barney discuss the GNB headquarters project, which may involve tearing down the classic Arcadian theater]

Barney:
Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.

Ted:
New is always better?

Barney:
Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

[In Marshall's mind, virtual versions of Lily and Robin watch him and Lily have sex over drinks]

Virtual Lily:
Ugh, he thinks I like this [Marshall looks at Virtual Lily] and it feels disgusting.

Virtual Robin:
Uh, it looks disgusting.

Marshall:
[to Lily] Is this working for you?

Virtual Lily:
[mocks Marshall] Is this working for you?

Virtual Robin:
Of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like Lennie from Of Mice and Men?

Virtual Lily:
Oh, you're bad!

Virtual Robin:
More Cosmos? [share toast]

Robin:
Hey.

Barney:
Hey!

Robin:
Hey. Um, when we were dating, did - did I make you feel needed?

Barney:
No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.

Robin:
[sighs] That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry. [turns to leave]

Barney:
Wait, where are you g- that's a compliment! You're the least needy woman I've ever met. That's awesome! No guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky; you're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged.

[Goliath National Bank's ad]

Voice-over:
What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, We Care.

Barney:
[holding a recycling bin] I care about our precious Earth. [puts in spent soft drink can]

Randy:
[opening the door for an old woman] I care about old people.

Arthur Hobbs:
I care about high-yield, offshore investments, and so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat? [plays with dog]

Marshall:
[at his office, eating salad] Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet!

[Ted consults Lily about what to do with his students after they walk out, thanks to Zoey. Lily described what she did to Johnny Marley]

Ted:
Lily. You're a psychopath.

Lily:
Little bit. [to student who gave her a panda drawing] Ah, a panda!

Future Ted:
I thought about Lily's advice, and I figured, fear was worth a try. [Ted walks to picket line]

Zoey:
Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?

Ted:
[to students] Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an F. [students are shocked]

[at MacLaren's]

Lily:
You said that?

Future Ted:
Well, technically they'd get an "Incomplete," but I thought "F" had a nice, scary ring to it.

[Lily sees a College Marshall exhibit and she asks College Marshall to return to her]

College Marshall:
You can't have me. Look at the sign. [Lily sees EXTINCT tag at exhibit signage] I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction.

Lily:
Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together.

College Marshall:
They did?!

Lily:
Yeah, they've done a few tours, they've put out a new album.

College Marshall:
Are you serious? That is awesome! Are they just as good?

Lily:
[pause] Sure.

[Barney and Robin have just been summoned to the Natural History Museum security office for pulling off pranks. An unexpected revelation about Barney's uncle actually being his father hits him hard.]

Robin:
So, when was the last time you saw him?

Barney:
It was that day, July 23rd, 1981. My mom got pretty upset he let me destroy a New York City landmark.

Robin:
[scoffs] Moms.

Barney:
He never came around anymore after that. Think he moved away.

Robin:
Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong, you never know-

Barney:
You do know, you do know, that's the thing, you know. He's my dad. [long pause]

Robin:
Barney, do you wanna-

Barney:
[emotionally] I don't wanna do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?

[At Ted's apartment, Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many]

Robin:
Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!

Lily:
What does that supposed to mean?

Robin:
It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!

Lily:
Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.

[Barney quotes the sign-off phrases of multiple reality TV shows, when telling Ted that he needs to tell Punchy to leave.]

Barney:
You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.

Ted:
OK, yeah I know...

Barney:
You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

Ted:
Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!

Lily:
Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!

Ted:
THAT'S KATE HUDSON!

Lily:
Oh yeah…That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.

Zoey:
I'm coming with you.

Ted:
No…I baste alone.

Zoey:
Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

Ted:
Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?

Lily:
Sorry, I'm ummmm…I don't know, washing my hair.

Marshall:
Running the water.

Robin:
Holding the towel.

Barney:
I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.

[Ted meets The Captain on his boat]

Ted:
Where's Zoey?

The Captain:
Well, I'm afraid she's feeling under the weather. Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.

Ted:
Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?

[Barney makes a proposition to Sam Gibbs]

Barney:
I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.

Sam Gibbs:
Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.

Barney:
No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail. What up? [poses for a high-five]

Gibbs:
Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]

Ted:
[to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!

Barney:
[after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble…

Ted:
And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.

Barney:
I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.

Ted:
[shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]

Robin:
So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -

Ted:
And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

[Robin is introduced to World Wide News' anchor, who is very familiar]

WWN Employee:
Robin, this is -

Sandy Rivers:
Robin!

WWN Employee:
You two know each other?

Rivers:
Know each other? We've had sex! [employees are aghast]

[Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile]

Lily:
Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.

Marshall:
I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.

Barney:
Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant - that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.

[At the Eriksen wake, a man approaches Robin.]

Man:
I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.

Robin:
I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.

Man:
I need vodka and dirty playing cards.

Robin:
[looks around] I gotcha. [leaves with man]

[Marshall is incensed because his father's last message to him appears to be a pocket dial.]

Marshall:
You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher…and he was my best friend. He always came through for me…and now he's just gone. And what am I left with? [holds up his phone with scratchy electronic sounds; looks to sky] Thanks a lot, God. Thank You! You took my father…the greatest man that I have ever known, and You whipped him off this Earth way too young! [to Lily] And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voicemail. [to the sky] Thank You so much for the voicemail. It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely, or sad or, you know what, maybe a little bit cheated, at least I have the sound of his pocket to console me.

Lily:
Marshall…

Marshall:
How is this fair? An entire human life, and it just ends for no reason, and what are we left with? [phone cracks in]

Marvin Eriksen:
Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? [laughs] Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. [hangs up]

[Ted is trying to narrate his story to Marshall over the phone about him dropping Zoey as a friend, however…]

Judy Eriksen:
[listening in on another phone] Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's, you want anything?

Marshall:
Mom, get off the phone!

Marcus Eriksen:
[from yet another phone] Could you get some more Bugles, please?

Judy Eriksen:
Of course, dear.

Marshall:
Marcus, hang up! Both of you, HANG UP! And we need ice cream.

[At Honey's place, Barney and Honey are ready to get it on]

Barney:
Who's your daddy?

Honey:
[laughs] Who's your daddy?

Barney:
[shaky voice] I...don't...KNOW!!! [breaks down]

[Barney explains the origins of Desperation Day]

Barney:
Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.

Robin:
That's not a thing.

Barney:
It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.

Ted:
[impressed] That's actually true.

Barney:
Wait. There's more.

Ted:
This won't be.

Barney:
And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.

[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks like Robin.] St. Desperatius:
Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X. St. Valentine: Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives] Woman: Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried. St. Desperatius: And I thought Pompeii was smoking. [woman smiles]

St. Desperatius:
Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.

St. Valentine:
Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives]

Woman:
Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.

St. Desperatius:
And I thought Pompeii was smoking. [woman smiles]

Barney:
Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.

[Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help.]

Lily:
Marshall, I'm going home.

Marshall:
[pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?

Lily:
I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.

Marshall:
I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.

Lily:
Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day…

Ted:
[surprised] You have Super Mario Kart!?

Marshall:
Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]

Lily:
…but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.

Marshall:
Baby, don't go.

Lily:
[kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.

[At his study, The Captain talks to Ted about Zoey leaving him for another man]

The Captain:
Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel. [imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted] Zoey: Oh man, this movie is scary. Scoundrel Ted: I know, right?

Zoey:
Oh man, this movie is scary.

Scoundrel Ted:
I know, right?

The Captain:
I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.

Ted:
Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.

The Captain:
Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.

Ted:
And the, that was the last time you saw her...

The Captain:
...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night -

Ted:
[spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.

Barney:
[refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!

[during Nora's date with Barney]

Nora:
Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.

Barney:
Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?

Nora:
I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

[Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby's missing from the apartment]

Ted:
Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.

Robin:
Got out? What do you mean?

Ted:
He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.

Marshall:
It wasn't me.

Lily:
Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!

Ted:
He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!

Marshall:
I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.

[flashback to Robin and her marine biologist boyfriend]

Scott:
This really sucks but I'm gonna be at the North Pole for the next three months.

Robin:
[sarcastically] Seriously? The North Pole? Okay pal, if you wanna break up with me, just tell it to me straight, don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. [laughs]

Scott:
Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-

Robin:
Of who, Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know what, I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia, works it's way up to Candyland, and then hey, congratulate me, I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!

Scott:
Robin, the North Pole is a real place, you know that right?

Robin:
...So, you wanna get pizza later or-

Scott:
I think we should break up.

[Jerome "Jerry" Whittaker sees Barney try to dismantle a basketball hoop over his driveway]

Jerry:
Barney, what is going on?

Barney:
This is mine.

Jerry:
I don't understand.

Barney:
JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.

Jerry:
Please, just come down and talk to me.

Barney:
Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.

Jerry:
Why does that make you so mad?

Barney:
Because if you were gonna be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me!?!?

Jerry:
Barney, I know I screwed up.

Barney:
Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through-

Jerry:
I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! [Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.

[At JFK Airport, Ted and Lily have just picked up a professor for Marshall's fundraiser. Ted suddenly sees Lily about to enter the terminal with some luggage]

Ted:
Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?

Lily:
You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]

Ted:
[sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?

Lily:
I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!

Ted:
[looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.

Lily:
I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not fine with guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.

Ted:
Lily…

Lily:
I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]

[The gang sees Barney at his deathbed in 2021]

Robin:
You're too young, it's unfair!

Marshall:
We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.

Barney:
Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?

Marshall:
Yes, yes, of course, anything.

Barney:
Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]

Marshall:
Where did you get this-

Barney:
[winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!

Marshall:
[unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]

Barney:
[gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!

Ted:
Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas.

[Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]

[The gang is at MacLaren's Bar with Jerry trying to figure out which club to go to]

Barney:
Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong…

Marshall:
Um, those places shut down a long time ago.

Barney:
Oh no.

Marshall:
Oh No shut down too.

Ted:
There's Where.

Jerry:
Where's Where?

Lily:
Where's where Was was, isn't it?

Barney:
No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?

Jerry:
Okay…

Ted:
Not Okay. That place is lame.

Robin:
Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?

Marshall:
That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.

Barney:
Guys, focus.

Robin:
Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.

Ted:
Where?

Robin:
Not Where, Focus.

Lily:
I thought Focus was closed.

Barney:
No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.

Marshall:
So Closed is open.

Robin:
No, Closed is closed.

Jerry:
I don't know. Third base, right?!

Robin:
Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.

Lily:
I'll go any place, okay?

Ted:
Not Okay. Okay is lame.

Robin:
Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.

Lily:
Guys, shut up.

Barney:
No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore.

Marshall:
Guys, just pick a club, okay?

Ted:
Not Okay!

All:
Okay is Lame! Gay bar!

Marshall:
For the record, um, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé.

Barney:
It's Hopeless, isn't it?

[cut to the group at a club called Hopeless]

[Barney talks to his father about how he settled down and how his life had been]

Barney:
When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life and who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.

Jerry:
[looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.

Barney:
So how do you do it?

Jerry:
A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but I'll give you a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.

Barney:
Maybe I've met her already.

[Robin explains what Barney turns into when he drinks peppermint schnapps]

Barney:
[at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling … how you doing? … is this your sister? … Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]

Ted:
Hey, where are our chicken wings?

Barney:
Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]

Robin:
Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]

[At bar, Robin and Lily order gin for Barney and Marshall to start a fight between them, and the effects kick in]

Barney:
Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?

Marshall:
Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?

Barney:
Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?

Marshall:
[infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!

[Ted is roused by someone from his bed and is startled at who it is]

Ted:
Barney, what are you doing here?

Barney:
[in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.

Ted:
Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.

Barney:
[normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so… [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.

Ted:
Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-

Barney:
I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]

Ted:
Whoo, lighting change!

[The Landmark Preservation Commission has come to a decision regarding the Arcadian]

Commission Chairman:
Last night, this committee came to a vote, and while we've all felt from the very beginning that the Arcadian was, well, an eyesore, Mr Mosby's surprising testimony about the lion's head stonework left us with no choice but to declare it a landmark. [Zoey's camp applauds] But then, something else happened last night. That same lion's head stonework…disappeared, [audience is agape in shock] so it makes our job easier. Motion denied. [bangs gavel]

[Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it.]

Robin:
[cutting in partway through the argument] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.

Ted and Barney:
[to each other] She means you.

[Marshall has arrived home from his job interview.]

Lily:
Hey baby, how'd it go?

Marshall:
Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.

Lily:
Baby, come here.

Marshall:
I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.

[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down.]

Future Ted:
And Marshall slept…[the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.

[Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room]

Marshall:
Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.

Lily:
I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands] ...I'm pregnant.

Barney:
It's a sad day in New York, Ted, a sad day indeed. You know what I saw on my way in here? A girl in a sweater. And you know what that means: the season of exposed skin is over, exactly! Gone are the tank-tops, Ted. Gone are the cute little skirts. Gone are the sundresses - the sundresses, Ted! I don't think I can make it another eight months with no sundresses.

Ted:
Barney, I really - I have to grade these papers.

Barney:
I'm sorry, I'll let you work... But first, a riddle. What piece of women's attire, most stokes a man's desire?

Ted:
A sundress.

Barney:
Correct! What lightweight outfit, pink or white, makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?

Ted:
I really have to get this done.

Barney:
Of course, of course. [pause] Sundress, by the way.

Marshall:
How come the creepy kid in a horror movie is always a girl? Or twin girls, who speak in unison.

Lily:
What about Chucky?

Marshall:
A, he was a doll. B, he was possessed by an adult serial killer, and C, how could you bring up Chucky right before bed?

Marshall:
The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold.

Zoey:
Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity.

Ted:
Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-karat diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you.

Steve:
Facial!

Ted:
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste.

Zoey:
I'm coming with you.

Ted:
No…I baste alone.

Zoey:
Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

Ted:
You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also full of drugs.

Robin:
"If"? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. Spoon full of "sugar"? Grow up.

Honey:
My apartment building is so safe. My landlord even installed a security camera in my shower.

Marshall:
Oh, honey...

Honey:
Maybe I should feel weird about giving a stranger my Social Security Number, but the guy's a Nigerian prince!

Marshall:
Oh, honey...

Honey:
I just had a great TV audition... behind the KFC where the executive producer works on the weekend.

Marshall:
Oh, honey...

Ted:
We should buy a bar.

Barney:
We should totally buy a bar!

Marshall:
We should absolutely, totally, buy a bar!

Robin:
Really, the only sensible idea right now.

Marshall:
Oh, oh, and ready?

Barney:
What?

Marshall:
It's a theme bar... it's a courtroom!

Ted:
Yes! Where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes.

Marshall:
Uh, I'll allow it!

Barney:
It's the only court where you show up, then get served!

Robin:
You're judged by a jury of your beers!