It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 9

Dennis:
Oh, Dee... Oh! Snyder?

Dee:
Mm-hmm.

Dennis:
He's clearly using you. Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.

Dee:
I am not using him.

Dennis:
Oh, you're not using him?

Dee:
Nope.

Dennis:
Oh, good, good, good, good. So, you like him?

Dee:
Mm-hmm.

Dennis:
Find him attractive?

Dee:
Absolutely.

Dennis:
Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.

Dee:
[scoffs] He's got... he's got all of his skin still.

Dennis:
Well, I would hope so.

Dee:
And that he has plenty of... teeth... to get...

Dennis:
But not all of them?

Dee:
No, not all of them.

Dee:
[performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.

[audience laughter]

Mac:
She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."

Frank:
That's what makes it funny!

Dennis:
Tasteless.

Dee:
[robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.

[makes fart noises]

Dennis:
And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

Dee:
So I decided to stop showering.

Frank:
Ha-ha!

Newscaster:
Good morning, Philadelphia. With us today is Frank Reynolds - local business owner, and a man with a harrowing story.

Frank:
That's right. A few days ago, three thugs tried to mug me. Now, I want to be very clear about something. (eats a sandwich)

Newscaster:
Um, Mr-

Frank:
These pieces of garbage, they don't know who the hell they're dealing with.

Newscaster:
Mr. Reynolds, excuse me? Do you think maybe you could eat that sandwich later?

Frank:
I'm starving. You didn't have nothing to eat in this show.

Newscaster:
Let's get back to your... story-

Frank:
Right, so these punks, I don't know if they wanted money, or they wanted something more sexual... but it's a lucky thing I had my pieces.

Newscaster:
Your pieces?

Frank:
(pulls out two guns) My guns! Anyway, I started blasting. Bang! Bow! I don't see so good, so I missed, then they ran away. I ran after them, bang! Tried to shoot them in the back, but I don't run so good either. Anyway, you guys all think I'm a hero, and I'll accept that responsibility.

Newscaster:
Now, weren't you concerned that an innocent bystander may have-

Frank:
Look, crime in this city is out of control. Thank God I went down to Gunther's Guns and picked up a spare. I don't think one woulda done it! I'm gonna go out and buy some more.

Newscaster:
Okay-

Frank:
And I think you should, too. Don't be a victim, it's time to fight back.

Mac:
Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I would like to recommend to first-timers our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise. People say it's better than an orgasm.

Dennis:
Not that he's ever had one.

Mac:
I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms! I've had one with your mom, dude! I will strangle you, I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!

Customer:
Hi, can I get a drink?

Mac:
Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than bustin' a nut.

Customer:
Excuse me?

Mac:
Bustin' a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowin' your load.

Dennis:
Oh, God.

Mac:
He said it was a funny joke. [pointing to Dennis]

Dennis:
Well, no... Hold on.

Mac:
Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.

Dennis:
Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.

Mac:
Sorry. We jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.

Dennis:
No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.

Mac:
Well, where do I jizz?

Dennis:
You don't jizz.

Mac:
How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?

Dennis:
No, ma'am, I think what...

Mac:
Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.

Dennis:
Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.

Dee:
Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm. [Laughs]

Dennis:
Holy shit, you're late.

Mac:
She was late.

Dennis:
Go back in your light.

Charlie:
got it! I got it! Got what? The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song. It's amazing. Get with the program.

Dee:
Yes, Charlie, please. We're all clamoring to hear.

Charlie:
Whoa, they say "The world's your oyster" Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me. You're the belle of the ball But you ain't my cup of tea. They always vote you best in Show But this doggie disagrees. 'Cause I like life In Paddy's Pub...There's a place for me It's the place I go Where the beer is cheap, and the lights are low It's Paddy's Pub. I like Paddy's Pub. Let the record show The greatest place to go Is that bar called Paddy's Pub. [Harmonica playing]. I like life at Paddy's Pub.

Dee:
[Sigh]

Mac:
What's wrong, Dee? Oh, nothing. Let me guess-- boyfriend troubles? This guy doesn't know what he's got. He's really ugly, too.

Guy at the bar:
I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

Mac:
Yeah. I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.

Dee:
Okay, he's not ugly, all right? That wouldn't make any sense. That's-that... He's not ugly.

Mac:
Dude's a total tool, too.

Dee:
You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother.

Mac:
[Chokes Dee] What?! Don't talk shit about my mom!

Charlie:
Attention, attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub. I'm-a siiiing it!

Mac:
Charlie's doing the song. The song was light. The song was light. That'll lighten things up. Do the song, dude, do the song.

Dennis:
Please enjoy this song.

Charlie:
There is a spider, spider Spider. He's deep in my soul, soul. He's lived here for years Years. He just won't let go. He's laying around. He's got a mean bite. Now he's ready To fight...And stand up for what he knows...I don't need your trophies or your gold I just want to tell you all Go fuck yourselves...

Z:
[laughing] Oh, shit.

Charlie:
Go fuck yourselves...[spits] Ooh, wah-ooh...

Mac:
Is he spitting? Is he spitting? Oh, he's spitting at them. Is that the sign?

Dennis:
That's the sign. Spit! Spit! [The Gang spits on the crowd]

Charlie:
All right, I'm sold. I'm in.

Mac:
Of course you're buying it, because you're as big of an idiot as she is. You're getting scammed, Dee!

Dee:
It's not a scam!

Dennis:
You walked into a room that you could have walked out of with a free set of golf clubs, but instead you got got.

Mac:
Hey, I say we get ourselves a new pair of golf clubs, huh?

Dennis:
Yeah, well, we won't get got though. We gonna get. See, Dee, people like us, we don't get got. We go get.

Mac:
That's right. You won't see us getting scammed.

Dennis:
No way. (laughs)

Frank:
Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man standing on the bridge.

Dennis:
What?! Yes, he looks like...Look at that.

Charlie:
His name is Mac.

Dennis:
No, we don't know his name.

Charlie:
We don't know it. Oh.

Dee:
His name is Rudy, I believe, you guys.

Charlie:
That's what it was-- Rudy.

Dennis:
We don't know what his name is, and that's okay, but we don't know each other. Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Frank:
Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like he may commit suicide. Suicide is badass.

Singer:
Life's a lot of trouble. House is a mess. Life as a single parent is full of stress. Makes you want to put a gun in your mouth or get real high. With a little help, I think we'll just get by.

Dennis:
[in his fantasy after being shot directly in the head; he briefly reacts as if he had been merely punched, much to even the robber's and clerk's confusion] Shit. Ah, whoah! I dares it... I ders-darse-der... A crammy hand- a crammy handlebit. A crammy handle bit, ayeeee...... Der. [finally collapses to the ground]

Dennis:
Y'know, I don't know about you guys, and I don't know why this is happening, but I actually feel a lot better.

Charlie:
You look better. You guys all look bett- I'm actually feeling better, too.

Dee:
I feel great.

Mac:
How is that even possible? All we've been doing is sitting here and drinking, how could we have gotten better so quickly?

Dee:
Oh my god, you guys... you guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined ourselves in the bar. At least, since we got stuck in the bathroom.

Charlie:
Oh, that's right!

Dennis:
Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying? That... we'd never had the flu, we were just having alcohol withdrawl?

Dee:
Yeah.

Mac:
Alcohol withdrawls? That's great!

Dee:
Is is great? That means we're all alcoholics!

Charlie:
Mmm, right... well, what do we do with that information?

Dennis:
What do you do with any information? You just stuff it deep down inside, and - keep an eye on it.

Dee:
You keep it.

Charlie:
Ohhhh!

Dennis:
I'm certainly not going to stop drinking.

Mac:
I mean, I physically can't!

Charlie:
Nah, nah, nah, not at this point. We're in- we're in too deep.

Dennis:
I mean, I'm a young guy!

Mac:
We're just kids having fun, right?