King of the Hill, Season 4

Didi Hill:
What's his name?

Hank Hill:
Dad, this isn't right. If you call him Good Hank, it makes it sound like I'm Bad Hank.

Cotton Hill:
Well, you burnt my burgers, didn't you, B.H.?

Bill:
(Trying to put on his old football helmet) Hank, how did my head get so fat?

Carl Moss:
We don't have money for all these fancy teaching aides... like wood.

Hank Hill:
You know, the Carl Moss I knew wouldn'-

Carl Moss:
Give it a rest, Hank. All parents care about these days is zero-tolerance drug policies and literacy. "Why can't Johnny read?" "Why can't Johnny read?" God, that gets old.

Hank:
But Carl, shop is the foundation of all learning. And I'll tell you what, a youngster with a tool in both hands has no hands left to do drugs.

Carl Moss:
(exasperated) They'll just put the tools down if they want to do the drugs bad enough.

Hank:
Using a saw for a weapon makes about as much sense as using a gun to cut a two-by-four. That's how my dad built my treehouse... how he cleaned it, too.

(Hank has stated that he won't be able to continue teaching shop)

Hank:
But that shouldn't stop you from pursuing your own dreams of wood, plywood, pressed fiberboard, and, if you've got the talent, metal! Y'see, shop doesn't have to happen in any special place - as long as it's well lit, and the outlets are grounded. Because shop is bigger than any classroom, or garage, or stupid policy that makes tools illegal - it's in our hearts.

Connie:
Well, um, you see, uhh...

Hank:
What?

Hank:
(Reading the note) 'Mr. Hill, I just got my first period.' Bwaaaaah!

Peggy:
'Hank do you want to be in Charge?'

Hank:
'No.'

Hank:
It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.

Dale:
I am the hoe master! Watch me hoe! [nearly runs over Hank and Bill and damages Bill's wall]

Dale:
(Talking into tape recorder) 10:15. Hank picks up Hal.

Bill:
What?

Dale:
(On tape recorder) 10:15. Hank picks up Hal.

Bill:
(On tape recorder) What?

Dale:
I said, "10:15, Hank picks up Hal!"

Hank:
Bobby, you name a pet, you name a guitar, but you do not name a filthy animal!

Dale:
[while standing on a tree branch] This...isn't...over. So long, suckers! [caws like a bird]

Dale:
[while laying face down in the dirt] Hank, I can see your house from up here.

Dale Gribble:
How could you do this to me Puff-puff

Dale Gribble:
My gerbil screwed me!

Chappy:
I live in a shack, I poop in an outhouse, I eat what I kill.

Hank Hill:
There isn't a Mrs. Chappy, is there Chappy?

Luanne Platter:
(sighs) Mr. Strickland's wife is beautiful.

Hank Hill:
That's NOT his wife. That's Debbie from work. Pretty girl like that should have been able to get a date.

Peggy gives Hank a look as if he has no clue about his boss' reputation

Hank Hill:
The "S" stands for service. The "T" is for trust. (Mr. Strickland and Debbie make out) "R" is for reliability. (doors are heard opening and closing) Now the "I", that stands for...

Woman's voice{offscreen}:
Jackass!

Camera shows that Elizabeth "Miz Liz" Strickland has entered the banquet

Jerry Sandoval{offscreen}:
Oh ho, it is Miz Liz! This ought to be good!

Hank Hill:
No, heh, heh. It's for integrity. That's not even the right letter.

Mr. Strickland:
Now, now Miz Liz. We're in public.

Miz Liz:
YOU ARE IN PUBLIC WITH THIS LITTLE BIMBO...IN FRONT OF HALF OUR CHRISTMAS CARD LIST! (notices Debbie's earrings) Are those my mother's earrings?!

Hank Hill:
"C" is for compassion....

Miz Liz:
I WANT YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

Mr. Strickland:
But Miz L...

Miz Liz:
AND OUT OF THE LAKE HOUSE!!

Mr. Strickland:
The lake house?

Miz Liz:
Please forgive me for stealing your thunder Hank. Please continue.

Miz Liz departs banquet hall

Hank Hill:
Okay now, where was I?

off-screen voice (possibly Thatherton):
How about "D" for done?!

Bobby Hill:
: Dad! Dad, the police are lookin' for you!

Hank Hill:
(whispering to himself) Oh, god! Debbie's hippie roommate turned me in for smokin' narcotics!

Peggy Hill:
Haaaank!

Buck Strickland:
I like to hump, I like to eat, and I don't like to drive.

Hank:
I am inducing vomiting!

Hank:
How long does it take Debbie to throw in a load of laundry? I really need to talk to her.

Debbie's roommate:
She should be right up. Debbie said you were gonna... HEY!

Hank:
No, we were not. It was a trick.

Debbie's roommate:
Is $300 too much for a Hot Wheels VW Purple Evil Weevil?

Hank:
(sighs) Yeah, I could use one too.

Debbie's roommate:
Damn, the ebay auction closed. I lost my weevil.

Hank:
Dang it. Could I get a light off yours? Huh, that's a funny looking cigarette. You roll it yourself?

Debbie's roommate:
Yeah.

Hank:
You got a weak flame on this thing. (Hank breathes it and coughs) This isn't one of them clove cigarettes, is it?

Debbie's roommate:
No man. That's the chronic, from Mexico.

Hank:
Huh, damn NAFTA. It's clearly an inferior tobacco.

Debbie's roommate:
So, does your wife party too?

Hank:
Party? Uh, we throw a party for Fourth of July and Labor Day.

Debbie's roommate:
No, I mean party, you know. Get high. Get stoned.

Hank:
BWAHHHHHHH!

Luanne:
My class was cancelled and the library was closed. I love college.

Dale Gribble:
C'mon, I'm not leaving without my kiss. I can wait.... I can destroy you.

Bobby:
Mrs. Johnson's bag has six puppies. Mr. Peterson's bag has minus four puppies...

Joseph:
Why don't your doors have keyholes?

Bobby:
You're really starting to creep me out, now go home!

Luanne:
Bobby, it's perfectly natural to want to see a woman naked, but I am your cousin. Now, the first time was an accident, but if I catch you again, you are going to hell.

Bobby:
Are you crazy? We're going to get caught. I could go to hell!

Joseph:
I can't help myself. I've got a monkey on my back and it wants to see Luanne naked!

Dale Gribble:
Hey you, crazy guy. I'll give you a smoke if you trade clothes with me.

Dale Gribble:
Infiltration of mental hospital complete. Proceed to phase two; exfiltration of mental hospital.

Dale Gribble:
Apparently this door has some kind of anti-opening device.

Dale Gribble:
...which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They're tired of being eaten, and now they're fighting back.

Psychiatrist:
I see.

Dale Gribble:
Anyhoo, I just stopped by to pick up my buddy Boomhauer. You see, we're both in here by mistake. Now I can't vouch for Boomhauer, but I am most definitely not crazy.

Psychiatrist:
Go on.

Dale Gribble:
Did you just say, "Go Mom"? Now who's the crazy one?

Bill:
(In a self-help class in a mental hospital) It's just that in the alley, no one cares what I have to say, but here, I feel heard and accepted and dare I say... loved?

Dale:
We gotta get out of here. The smoking breaks are too short, the food is good at best and the anti-depressants are making my mouth dry and happy.

Bill:
(shouting) Can I get some glitter please?

Bill:
Why don't we just call Hank?

Dale:
No. Hank must never know we were in here. Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill... and rightfully so, these people are nuts!

Hank:
(Hank realizes he's all alone and sighs. Then he sees Khan starting to build a fence.) Hey Khan. I thought I heard someone mixing concrete.

Khan:
Oh, that's right. I'm building fence. Big fence. Eight feet tall between your house and my house.

Hank:
Eight feet huh? Yeah, you see Khan, in this neighborhood, side fences have to be 5'6 or under. It's not in the code or anything, it's just something I'm trying to enforce.

Khan:
You really want to help me, Hank Hill? You keep your dirty little boy's hands off my innocent genius daughter!

Hank:
Now what's that supposed to mean?

Khan:
Last night, I catch Bobby half-naked in Connie's room!

Hank:
Bobby?!

Khan:
The truth about your little boy not so pretty after all, is it, Hank Hill?! He girl-crazy sex-fiend!

Hank:
Well, that boy's gonna get a talking to, I tell ya what! (Hank walks away and secretly laughs) Whew.

Luanne Platter:
Aunt Peggy, Mister Kahn saw me naked!

Joseph:
(driving by on his bike) Oh man!

Dale Gribble:
The only thing your roommates (ie: enemies) will understand is fear (ie: psychological warfare (ie: dirty tricks)). It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goat's blood. Taint that blood. Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat's blood. It's a perfect plan.

Luanne:
I don't want to hurt anyone... I just want them to do the dishes.

Dale Gribble:
Oh, well in that case stack the dishes in the shower. That's the way Nancy gets me to do them.

Hank:
So you found yourself a project. Do you get the same, uh, high I get from lawn care?

Peggy:
Let's practice. I'll be Kahn. [clears throat] You are a dumb redneck!

Hank:
That sounds more like Mihn.

Peggy:
[still imitating Kahn] Well, leave my wife out of this hillbilly!

Hank:
[chuckles] He, he. I wish they'd move.

Dale:
"Let go of my finger!"

Bill:
"You let go of my beer!"

Dale:
"So help me, Bill don't mess with my trigger finger!"

Bill:
"Oh, what are you going to do, shoot me with my beer? I don't think so!"

Peggy Hill:
Oh yeah? Well my child is God to billions of Asians!

Joe Jack:
"Baby did a bad, bad thing."

Bobby Hilll:
"..Not like butane and those other bastard gasses."

Dale:
Wait a minute. I have a wife; We're a couple! [starts doing a martial dance while singing] I get a free meal! I get a free meal! [to Hank] He, Ha.

Dale Gribble:
Wait a minute. Every time I leave, you call John Redcorn. I know what's going on here. Your headaches are a desperate bid for my attention. But what do I do? I pawn you off on some Indian healer so I can have my Dale time at the gun club, or breeding show turtles, or on the Internet investigating unexplained phenomenonon. God, I am so selfish!

Dale:
[while forming a line while skating with Nancy] Love train! Woo, woo!

Dale:
Aw, I've been at John Redc- uh, the gun club ... playing Russian Roulette.

Nancy:
Did you win?

Dale:
You're not familiar with the game, are you?

Nancy:
No...

Dale:
Yeah, I won.

Hank Hill:
Still?

Bobby Hill:
Dad! I just took a thirty second shower and I'm gonna dry myself off on the lawn!

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
I use secret Asian watering technique! I could spit in a thimble and water Central Park.

Hank Hill:
Well, I don't know. My toilets have given 15 years of dependable service. I'm not one of those guys who turns 40 and runs out and buys fancy new toilets.

Hank Hill:
..But, unfortunately, in the real world, where things don't flush like they do in the movies...

Town Hall

Hank:
Where do I register to run for the zoning board?

Bureaucrat:
Fill out this form.

Hank fills out form and submits it

Hank:
When will the election be?

Bureaucrat:
There is no election. There has been a vacancy on the zoning board for the past three years. The seat is yours.

Bobby:
We won!

Hank:
No Bobby, Arlen won.

Bobby Hill:
Push! Push!

Doctor:
It's all right. The baby's here.

Didi Hill:
What's his name?

Cotton Hill:
Hank, what did you do to your wife?! I didn't teach you that!

Cotton Hill:
(baby-talking to G.H.) You wanna kill a Nazi? You wanna kill a Nazi? A Nazi-Squazzi?

Didi Hill:
Bobby... could you buy me some lottery tickets?

Bobby Hill:
(Outraged yelp) I AM A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD BOY! I AM THIS CHILD'S NEPHEW! I CANNOT DO THIS! I CAN NOT DO THIS!

Bobby gives G.H. to Didi, who is taken aback by Bobby's outburst. Bobby begins walking to the front door.

Bobby Hill:
If anyone makes any dinner, I'll eat. BUT THAT'S IT! ALL I'LL DO IS EAT!!

Bobby leaves and slams the front door behind him.

Bobby:
Well, I need a window seat because this flower is wiltin'.

Hank:
Oh, Lord. All right, everyone in the car now.

Bobby:
[dressed up as a hotel waiter] I do believe I'll give room service a jangle and have them send up some etouffe. [stares at Hank]

Bobby:
Noooooo!!!!! [Hank throws his clothes out the window.]

Dale (to John Redcorn):
Hey do your people even celebrate Thanksgiving?

John Redcorn:
We did, Once.

[Due to inclement weather, the Hills' flight to Montana is delayed]

Hank(on phone):
No Mother Platter, I am not calling from the plane. Those phones are only for emergencies. We merely had a small delay on takeoff.

Peggy:
Hank, is that my mother? I want to let her know to have all the ingredients for my brown betty, which I have made every year from 1976 until the year I die, inclusive. I will need margarine and not butter.

[Platter Ranch]

Ma Platter:
Is that Peggy? Tell her we use butter in this house!

[Hank hangs up]

Peggy:
She got butter, didn't she?

Hank Hill:
I am inducing vomiting!

Hank Hill:
It's a side effect of the marijuana poisoning!

Lester Payton:
If you people are just about finished, I'll tell you who killed Debbie. (everyone sits down) Debbie's phone record showed she called Mr. Hank Hill a short while before her death, which means she was home at 6pm. Now, what would she have seen if she had looked out her window at 6pm, hmmm? (Luanne shrugs) Normally, she'd see Sheriff Mumford stuffing some Sugarfoot's ribs into his face. (Sheriff Mumford glares at Payton) But on this night, she saw Mr. Buck and "Miz Liz" Strickland entering the restaurant, (Buck and Miz Liz lovingly look at each other, holding hands) which, according to the Sugarfoot's reservation book, occurred at…

Bobby:
(reads from the reservation book) 6:03, Mr., and 6:04, Mrs..

Payton:
Seeing Buck and Miz Liz back together must've thrown that pretty little tank wipe into a jealous rage, so when she went down to Sugarfoot's, she—

Peggy:
AH! Peggy's Sugarfoot's, at the time it was.

Payton:
Yeah… The point is, she went there to kill Buck Strickland with the 12 gauge shotgun he had stashed in her apartment, (positions two slices of bread to represent a car and a dumpster, the scene fades to a flashback depicting the events leading to Debbie's death) so she climbed in the dumpster right next to his Cadillac to lie in wait. Now, sitting in a dumpster full of half-eaten barbecue can make you hungry…

Debbie:
(sniffs the scent of the trash) Hmmm… (cut to a convenience store across the street)

Payton:
…and sure enough, (cut back to present time) Debbie went across the street to… the Get In Get Out. (winks to Sheriff Mumford, who keeps glaring at Payton, cut to security footage, depicting Debbie making a purchase with the rifle under her arm) According to the store's security video tape and a written deposition from Mr. Freddie Hakime, she purchased a Big Gulp and a 99¢ nacho plate. By buying them together, she saved 23¢. (cut back to present time)

Bobby:
My God, that is one heck of deal!

Payton:
When Debbie returned to the dumpster, (cut to Debbie walking past Buck's Cadillac with the rifle and snacks in her arms) she saw Mr. Strickland's car and assumed he was still there. (cut back to present time) What she didn’t know was that the Stricklands had already left together in Mrs. Strickland's car, having reconciled physically in a store room. And again, in the meat locker. (pan over to Buck cuddling with Miz Liz) And once more, in the slop sink. (cut to Debbie climbing back into the dumpster) She had difficulty juggling the three items as she attempted to negotiate her way back into the dumpster. She put the gun in first. She wouldn’t let go of that junk food. (cut back to present time) And that was the source of her demise, for as Debbie climbed into that dumpster, her foot accidentally tripped the hammer on the gun. (cut to Debbie, with the snacks still in her hands, climbing into the dumpster, the rifle suddenly goes off and shoots her dead, the impact of her body hitting the bottom of the dumpster causes the the cover to fall down and close with her leg sticking out, cut back to present time) So, Debbie Gund's killer… was Debbie Grund.

Kahn:
(yelling in Laotian)

Bobby:
I know a couple of those words. I better go. (kisses Connie goodbye)

Connie:
Bye.

Kahn:
I see you! KAHN SEE EVERYTHING!

Kahn:
You know, you're not too big to be spanked, you dirty little hillbilly!

Hank:
Of course, I'm still in the propane business.

Hank:
[seeing Bobby meditating like a sumo] No way. No got-dang way!

Hank:
Oh God, I need a hair net!

Hank:
Guess who's joining us for dinner?

Peggy:
Dale and Nancy?

Hank:
She already told you?

Peggy:
[Surprised] Oh my god! Hank, I was joking!

Bobby:
I don't need a babysitter.

Hank:
Dammit, Dale. Turn that thing off!

Dale:
I'm just testing my new sound card.