Kitchen Nightmares, Season 5

[Gordon sees a wok where Shelly's cooking her food on]

Gordon:
Am I seeing right? You've got a three-burner wok there. Is that a pizza oven?

Shelly:
Yes, that is my pizza oven. And the wok. I love it, chef.

Portia:
(passes between Gordon and Shelly) Sorry, chef.

Gordon:
Shelly, how can you cook soul food in a wok?

Shelly:
Watch me, chef! Watch me!

Mateen:
(interview) Soul food is supposed to be cooked slowly. Soul food is cooked with love and soul. Not in a wok. Shelly's cooking green beans in a wok, cooking rice in a wok, cabbage in a wok. We're not a Chinese soul-food restaurant. We don't need a wok, ok?

Gordon:
(to Mateen) That's a first to me. A Southern food restaurant with a Chinese wok and a pizza oven?

Mateen:
Yeah, the oven that doesn't work, right there.

Gordon:
Tell me what's working, apart from you.

David:
I follow the recipes as I am told by the owners and if I try to change the recipes, I am tossed out of here.

Gordon:
What?!

Alan:
That's not quite true.

David:
It's not true?

Gordon:
Come on, guys, man up.

David:
[mutters] Been drinking again.

Gordon:
Drinking again?

Gen:
My husband doesn't drink.

David:
I don't know. I don't know. I can't get the truth out of anybody here.

Gordon:
Explain this to me, Gen.

Gen:
He does have a lot of control in the kitchen.

David:
That's not true, chef.

Gen:
What about the mushrooms? You changed the whole recipe and you added wine.

David:
You didn't want salt on the mushrooms. Let's tell the truth.

Gen:
Did you add wine to the mushroom recipe?

David:
That's how you make sautéed mushrooms.

Gen:
I just asked you a question. Did you add wine?

David:
Yes, ma'am.

Gen:
You didn't tell anyone that you added wine to the mushrooms.

Alan:
Honey, you're missing the point. You're focusing on a mushroom.

Gen:
Mushrooms are important to me. I'm from Poland.

[Gordon shakes his head in disbelief]

David:
I think a lot of the problem is, instead of putting sugar in that coffee, put a little Prozac in it.

Gen:
David, I just want the truth.

David:
This is the truth: I would be better off as a brain surgeon than you running this restaurant.

David:
That Gen is a liar, dude. She can't tell the truth.

Chef:
She's crazy.

David:
The whole place should be on (bleep) LSD, man.

[Gordon has found rotting food in the refrigerator]

Gordon:
[showing moldy lemons] Look what's in the box. Who turns the produce over? Who turns the freshness?

Jorge:
That's my staff.

Gordon:
Really? [tosses the lemons away] (Bleep) me! Seriously?

Jorge:
Why throw my lemons like that for? Why are you taking my product and throwing it away?

Gordon:
THEY'RE MOLDY YOU PILLOCK! Do you want to see some more? Stay there! Chicken. (smells) (Bleep) hell! Look at this. What's this for? [Shows dehydrated potatoes] When were those made?

Jorge:
Those were made today. Those are not going to be served to the public.

Gordon:
They're not going to be served to the public.

Jorge:
I'm telling you that I'm not going to serve those!

Gordon:
So you're saving them for what? Talk to me then.

Jorge:
Those were from this morning.

Gordon:
You (bleep) little (bleep)!

Jorge:
You're the little (bleep)! I'm telling you, those were made today.

Gordon:
Oh, right!

Jorge:
If you don't believe me, that's your responsibility.

Gordon:
Okay, so, you're lying through your teeth!

Jorge:
I am not lying through my teeth.

Gordon:
Yes you are! You can't even tell me the truth. Do you know why? Because you don't know and you're a (bleep) joke!

Jorge:
[throws the potatoes away] You're a joke too, man!

Gordon:
Are you going to walk off then?

Jorge:
All you're doing is hammering it!

Gordon:
Do you know what? What upsets me more than anything is that you don't realize you're playing at running a restaurant. And the minute you start looking at yourself in the mirror and stop blaming the people around you, the quicker you may get this place turned around. Got it? Good! (Bleep) joke!

[During dinner service for relaunch night]

Matt:
This is (bleep) ridiculous!

Gordon:
Come on, Matt. I know you hate the wings but just serve them please. Hate me, don't hate the wings.

Matt:
You got your orange shorts? Orange shorts!

Gordon:
Cut the (bleep) till the end of service. Okay big boy?

Matt:
Come on!

Gordon:
Hey you, why do you want to (bleep) around and take the piss? Let me tell you something really important.

Matt:
What's that?

Gordon:
I have (bleep) forgotten more than you know. Just serve the food and shut the (bleep) up, smart-arse!

Jorge:
Matt, what is the big deal?

Matt:
I'm trying to have a good time.

Jorge:
You're not having a good time, you're trying to make life tough.

Matt:
I'm having a good time.

Gordon:
Why is he acting like this?

Melanie:
Because he's a jackass. (interview) Matt is beyond the weakest link. You're here to do a job, do it!

Matt:
Pork belly's in the window.

Gordon:
Matt, that's overcooked. I know you don't care but I do. And you're supposed to be working hard tonight to get this place turned around. Why are you now trying to sabotage it? Mr. (bleep) thinks he can't (bleep) cook a chicken wing! Can't even drop a piece of pork belly in the fryer. Look at it, dry, piece of overcooked pork belly! You're going to start sending us down.

Jorge:
Matt, you're seriously going to (bleep) me over right now?

Matt:
No.

Jorge:
Why are you being a piece of (bleep) with me?

Richard:
(interview) I don't know if there's something wrong with Matt or not. I'm not a violent man by any means, but if he (bleep) it up for me tonight, I will literally...do something.

Gordon:
Wow. Look at that sign. What is that? ... that big capital S. Let's hope that doesn't stand for (bleep).

Gordon:
Nicely, not like you're about to stab Saki. [removes the fork and hands it back to her] There you go.

Gordon:
(to Tatiana about bad meatballs) What's your complaint about the meatballs?

Tatiana:
He said it was toasted on one side, not toasted on the other.

Gordon:
Really? How about telling your (bleep) chef?!

Casimiro:
Okay, you cook it!

Gordon:
Now's he's getting upset with me because I called him out. When a guy can't make a meatball or even season one, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. And then when I watch a chef that cooks and sticks food up there and holds it, and we're not talking homemade food, we're talking bought in store bought. My god, it hurts.

Casimiro:
Okay, you cook it!

Gordon:
And look at that for a stinking attitude! Look at that! A disgusting attitude! Ask him to put his house in the (bleep) mix. If his house was on the line, he wouldn't be cooking like a (bleep) idiot! (Casimiro laughs) Now he thinks it's funny!

Tatiana:
What the (bleep) are we gonna do?

Gordon:
You think it's funny? Yeah? It's a joke!

Gordon:
Oh (Bleep), uh what the (Bleep) is that all about?

Greg:
It's (Bleep).

Gordon:
Honestly?

Greg:
Yeah.

Gordon:
(Shakes head) I mean is she really like that?

Greg:
Yes.

Gordon:
How do you concentrate like that?

Greg:
You can't, I mean you really can't!

Gordon:
Not only is she 86ing everything in the middle of service.

Greg:
I really can't tell you.

Gordon:
Wow, it's crazy. How does the family restaurant not run as a family?

Dominica:
They don't get along.

Grace:
Because he doesn't belong in this restaurant. (to Luigi) Is is true, or no?

Luigi:
Yeah. We have laziness, it's like an infection. What happens is, when Tony is here, and Linda's here, they have no understanding that number one is the customer. No sitting around. No looking at the TV.

Gordon:
Watching TV when customers come? Is that true?

Tony:
I don't -- I don't think that's true.

Grace:
Tony, he don't care about the customer. He wants to sit and play the computer.

Tony:
I care about this restaurant. Now, honestly...

Grace:
No. He play with the computer here, come on!

Luigi:
The complaints say the people feel neglected.

Tony:
But the complaints, like, "I don't want to come here when she's there!"

Gordon:
Customers that don't want to come when you're working? What's that all about?

Grace:
I don't know.

Gordon:
I was just asking. I'm listening.

Tony:
She's got people that she kisses ass, and they love her. She's got other people that gets blunt in her face, and hate her. Is it right to basically go up to the customer and say, "F*** you! Get the f*** out of here"?

Grace:
NO! I DIDN'T SAY THAT! I DIDN'T SAY, "(bleep) YOU!" NOW TELL THAT IS (bleep), OKAY? SAY THE TRUTH!

Tony:
That's what you said.

Grace:
NO! I DIDN'T SAY, "(bleep) YOU!"

Linda:
(to Gordon) This is what happens.

Grace:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. (to Gordon) You tell, I did it right or did it wrong?

Gordon:
I'm just trying to figure out what happened. I mean, I wasn't here. Did she say, "(bleep) you"? Did she not say, "(bleep) you"?

Tony:
I thought she did.

Luigi:
She said that to you.

Tony:
Oh, yes, she did.

Gordon:
What did you hear?

Luigi:
She didn't say that. She said that to you! You forget!

Tony:
No, no. She got into...

Luigi:
Why are you forgetful? YOU GOT TO BE HONEST!

Tony:
I'm being honest!

Luigi:
You want this guy (Gordon) to help you, or not?

Tony:
I'm trying to get him to help me!

Luigi:
Then, you got to say what it is!

Tony:
I AM!

Luigi:
NO, YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE LYING!

Tony:
I'M NOT LYING! YOU GUYS ARE LYING!

Luigi:
"I think she said, '(bleep) you!'" YOU THINK OR SHE DID?

Grace:
OKAY! ALL RIGHT!

Tony:
SHE DID SAY, "(bleep) YOU!"

Luigi:
WHO THE (bleep) YOU ARE TO TALK?! We are losing the business...

Grace:
(points at Tony) BECAUSE OF HIM!!! BECAUSE OF HIM!!!

Tony:
(to Gordon) See, that's why we don't get along.

Gordon:
[reads menu] Executive chef... David Blaine?

Alan:
Yes.

Gordon:
What, the magician?

Alan:
No, no, no, he's not the magician. It's just coincidentally the same name. He was the head pastry chef at the Peninsula Hotel.

Gordon:
Now he's the executive chef of the burger restaurant?

Alan:
Yes.

Gordon:
David Copperfield your dessert chef?

Alan:
[humorlessly] No.

Gen:
[giving David his final paycheck] And for the record, I'm not on Prozac dear.

David:
And for the record, YOU SHOULD BE!!

[During prep for relaunch night]

Jorge:
Okay, so you do the frying station.

Matt:
I will not cook a chicken wing.

Jorge:
What's that?

Matt:
I do not feel comfortable frying a chicken wing unless she wants to put on a pair of orange shorts and serve it.

Jorge:
They're here to train us. Are you going to turn around and give them a hard time? Check yourself before you check them out, okay? Not gonna happen again. (interview) He has this huge ego about frying chicken. It's really irrelevant. He's here to do what I tell him to do, not what he wants to do.

[Jorge and Richard bring Matt outside to talk with Gordon]

Gordon:
What's going on?

Matt:
You put a bunch of (bleep) chicken wings on the menu and somebody ought to (bleep) put on some orange shorts out there and serve it.

Gordon:
Okay, so how about a little bit of respect and showing these two guys?

Matt:
Well how about (bleep) respect a fine dining restaurant and not (bleep) put chicken wings on the menu?

Gordon:
A fine dining restaurant?

Jorge:
Are you (bleep) listening to us?

Gordon:
Who the (bleep) do you think you are?

Matt:
Who do you think I am? A guy who knows when a menu sucks!

Gordon:
How dare you get jumped up and tell the owners that the menu's (bleep) because you think you know better? Well, why aren't you doing better? Why haven't you got a restaurant? How about having the intelligence to calm down and to start again?

Jorge:
Is that possible? Yes or no?

Matt:
It's possible.

Richard:
Will you do it? Yes or no?

Matt:
Yes.

Richard:
Thank you.

[after Matt sends an overcooked pork belly for the second time]

Jorge:
Matt, why are you (bleep) up service tonight? You're making me look like (bleep).

Matt:
Just chill out with the (bleep) drama.

Jorge:
What did you say?

Matt:
Chill out with the drama!

Jorge:
Get out of here! Right now! Get the (bleep) out, right now! You know what? That's it. (shoves Matt) Get out of here!

Matt:
Alright, fine. That's cool if you're going to be serious like that. (leaves)

Richard:
Matt, see ya!

Jen:
I've watched too much CSI! I can't do this!

Gordon:
Oh, come on...

Mikayla:
Oh my God. She's freaking out because she can't handle serving fatty meat? She's gonna have to deal with it.

Gordon:
[Looking for the restaurant] Restaurant with flamingo. [Stops in surprise as he sees a giant pink flamingo above the restaurant] Holy Mackerel. Look at the size of that thing. Wow. Are you serious? Look at that. Wow, wow, wow!

Gordon:
I walked in the front door - a mouse.

Shelly:
The mouse that you planted, I know. They told me. But it's okay!

Gordon:
No, it's not okay.

Shelly:
It's a show.

Gordon:
It's got nothing do with TV, nothing to do with your business in the shit. I am not going to stand there and even attempt to take that crap from you. You can take your restaurant, and stick it. I am gone. I'm out of here.

Shelly:
You're out of here? I'm out of here. (pushing past the others) Excuse me, go. See you later. Shut it down! Let's go, it's over.

[Gordon is inspecting the kitchen during service]

Gordon:
What is that in there? What is that?

Michael:
I think it's veal, chef.

Gordon:
You think it's veal?

Michael:
Pretty sure it's veal.

Gordon:
You didn't put it in there.

Michael:
No, I didn't.

Carchi:
Darryl, what is that?

Darryl:
It looks like meat thrown in a pan.

Michael:
What is it though?

Darryl:
I don't know. It's not labeled.

Gordon:
Oh, my God! Fucking-- Hey. Forget the orders for five minutes. (to Carchi) Come around, you. Darryl, come 'round. Don't worry about the cooking for now. I got more fucking issues. When was the last time this was organised?

Darryl:
It hasn't been organized.

Gordon:
Oh, come on. [pulls out a jar from the fridge] What's that?

Darryl:
Molasses.

Gordon:
Molasses?

Darryl:
Yeah, that's been in there since last Thanksgiving.

Gordon:
What?! It's July! What's that? [pulls out an old piece of meat from a container] Oh, my God! [sniffs the old meat] Oh, shit. This is raw pork. It's not my that you served to me, is it?

Carchi:
No, that's the, uh, the old pork that got left in there.

Gordon:
That's the old pork?! When's this one from? Not Thanksgiving again? Stuffed what?!

Darryl:
Mushrooms.

Gordon:
Smell that! [brings the container to Carchi's nose] Smell it! That's fucking older than me! Smell it! Go on! [brings the container to Darryl's nose]

Michael:
That's your sauce, Darryl.

Gordon:
What in the fuck is this? [Gordon pulls out an old piece of fish] Oh, my God! Is that flounder?

Michael:
It's definitely old.

Gordon:
"Definitely old"?! It's green! Smell that. [brings the flounder to Diana's nose]

Diana:
(interview) It was embarrassing. It was mortifying. He comes in something that is easily identifiable, and no one noticed?

Gordon:
(to Michael) Smell it!

Diana:
(interview) How is that possible?

Gordon:
All of you, come here! Let's go, come here. How can we work like that? You've got ingredients from LAST Thanksgiving! Did you smell the flounder?

Chef:
Yes.

Gordon:
Did you see the cooked chicken, the raw pork, the raw veal? It's a joke! You should be ashamed of yourselves. Under no circumstances, can we continue to serve food. Shut the place down!

[Gordon walks outside the restaurant after seeing all the food being microwaved]

Gordon:
This is incredible. The minute you walk into a restaurant with an open kitchen and all the chefs are facing out as opposed to standing in front of the stove, get out. That's what's happening here. Unbelievable.

[After sampling the lamb shank]

Gordon:
Now there's a very anaemic-looking lamb shank. Look at the presentation. It's depressing. Almost like it's been in the microwave for an hour. Surely, they wouldn't microwave a lamb shank. I'm a little bit nervous at how grey the meat is. That is way too salty and badly balanced. (to Dustin) Dustin, I mean... it's so salty. Who cooked that, Dustin?

Dustin:
That's Chef Mike.

Gordon:
Chef who?

Dustin:
Chef Mike. ...It's a microwave.

Gordon:
I thought it was a third chef!

Dustin:
It kind of is. He does a lot of work in the kitchen.

Gordon:
Oh.

Dustin:
[to audience] We use Chef Mike a lot. Whenever there's lights on in this restaurant, Chef Mike's working. He's a dedicated employee.

[Gordon goes to confront Jake about the kitchen’s constant microwaving of food]

Gordon:
Greek restaurant? More like a Greek tragedy.

Jake:
(interview) It pisses me off. What I think about my food is, it's healthy, it's fresh, it's—it's good. It's damn good.

Gordon:
Yeah, reheated microwave food.

Jake:
Listen, it's not microwave food. I mean, how else am I gonna reheat it? You're breaking my balls about getting—reheating it in a microwave.

Gordon:
[points to one of the chefs] He's been cooking 14 years. There's a whole stove there; it’s not even being used! And this guy (Chef Mike) is like this... [opens and closes microwave door three times] Come on, Jake! Fuck me.

Jake:
(interview) I don't use the word “microwave.” I'm not cooking it in the microwave. I'm reheating it in the microwave. Big difference. There's a big difference. (normal) I don't think it compromises the food, reheating it that way, but I mean—

Gordon:
Say that again? You don't think it compromises the food?

Jake:
I don't think so.

Gordon:
Oh, my God!

Athena:
Oh, they’re gonna have a big fight. Oh, my God. [begins praying] Please, God.

Gordon:
It doesn't compromise the standard of food?

Jake:
No.

Gordon:
Wow.

Jake:
Yeah, you fuck off. How's that? There we go. Go. Get out of my line.

Gordon:
Jake.

Jake:
Yeah.

Gordon:
Jake.

Jake:
I gotta—look, I'm trying to put out food...

Gordon:
Yeah, Jake. Let me tell you something.

Jake:
...I'm not here to talk about—

Gordon:
Take your head out of your arse and just start acting like a man and start taking responsibility for something, will you?

Jake:
I am taking responsibility for it.

Gordon:
You are? And you think it's smart, telling me to fuck off?

Jake:
I don’t want to fu—I don't want to fuck around.

Gordon:
So how about showing a little bit of respect for what you're doing?

Jake:
Go. Get off my line and let me do my job. Get out of here.

Gordon:
Jake... Jake, I'll go, with pleasure.

Gordon:
When a chef outlasts two owners already, trust me, there something's not quite right...

Tatiana:
Necesitamos hablar. (We need to talk)

Casimiro:
Si, dimelo. ¿Que pasa, niña? (Yeah, talk to me. What happened, my child?)

Tatiana:
Casimiro, yo pienso que los dos de usted necesitáis ir. ¿Esto me duele mucho, ok? (Casimiro, I think the two of you need to go. This hurts me a lot, ok?)

Casimiro:
Ok.

Tatiana:
Lo siento mucho. Lo siento mucho, Casimiro. (I'm very sorry, I'm very sorry, Casimiro)

Casimiro:
Ok...

Tatiana:
[while trying to hug him]: Sorry, sorry...

Casimiro:
No, no, no... lo sabía... lo sabía. (I knew it)

Casimiro:
[while walking out]: Ciao, guys!