Life on Mars, Series 1

[To a murder suspect, regarding an entry in his diary]

Sam Tyler:
From the diary, quote, "I killed her. She's been killed. I'm a killer, an ace killer." That particular entry is not awash with ambiguity.

Chris Skelton:
Someone needs to take a look at you boss, you're as white as a ginger bird's arse!

[After Sam, disorientated and confused by his new surroundings, has challenged Gene's authority]

Gene Hunt:
They reckon you've got concussion - I couldn't give a tart's furry cup if half your brains are falling out. Don't ever waltz into my kingdom acting king of the jungle.

Sam Tyler:
Who the hell are you?

Gene Hunt:
Gene Hunt. Your DCI. And it's 1973. Nearly dinner time. I'm 'aving 'oops.

[Trying to call a mobile phone number]

Sam Tyler:
I need you to connect me to a Virgin number -

Operator:
Don't you start that sexy business with me, young man. I can trace this call.

[Annie complies with Sam's request to hit him by punching him in the kidneys - when he wasn't expecting it]

Sam Tyler:
Ow! Shit!

Annie Cartwright:
I'm sorry, sir!

[Gene enters, seeing the two bent over]

Gene Hunt:
Hey hey, good girl, prostate probe and no jelly!

Gene Hunt:
[To Sam] Where are you today, then? Here, or Planet of the Clangers?

[Open University is on TV, presenter's geometry-exercising turns into medical diagnostics from 2006.]

Sam:
[alerted and denying he'd be in a deep coma] Wait! I'm in BUPA! Get me out of here!

Gene Hunt:
Right, we pulled a bird in, Dora Keanes. She was the last person to see the victim alive.

Sam Tyler:
Is she a suspect?

Gene Hunt:
Nope, just a pain in the arse.

Sam Tyler:
Okay, alright, brief me in full. What do I need to know?

Gene Hunt:
[confused] She's a pain in the arse!

[They arrive outside the lost property office]

Sam Tyler:
What, so you've handed her into lost property?

Chris Skelton:
Well, we could use the canteen, but she's a right mouthy bird, this one.

Sam Tyler:
Hang on, you're going to do the interview in there?

Gene Hunt:
Thick walls.

[Gene Hunt violently pushes a table aside]

Gene Hunt:
I'm done with this game. Let's play another. Let's play, eh, hopscotch or pin the tail on a donkey. You pick, Dora.

Dora Keens:
I want a lawyer.

Gene Hunt:
I wanna hump Britt Eklund, what are we gonna do?

Sam Tyler:
I need a drink.

Gene Hunt:
That's the first sensible thing you've said since you got here.

Sam Tyler:
[To Nelson] And which part of my subconcious do you hail from?

Gene Hunt:
I may be a sheriff, but I'm a deputy to the law.

Nelson:
What can I get you, man, raise your spirits?

Sam Tyler:
Diet Coke, please.

[Nelson looks blank]

Sam Tyler:
Just kidding, a pint of bitter.

Sam Tyler:
Large whiskey please.

Nelson:
[With heavy Jamaican accent] Drink ain't gonna fix things. What am I saying? I run a pub. Of course it will fix things!

Sam Tyler:
I'm lost, Nelson. I'm really lost.

Nelson:
[Suddenly switching to a Mancunian accent] You ain't lost, pal. You're where you are, and you have to make the best of it. It's all you can do.

[Sam looks surprised]

Nelson:
Keep it to yourself, eh? Folks just seem happier with the other Nelson.

[Sam has asked Annie to contribute to the investigation - much to the jeers of the other male detectives]

Sam Tyler:
Now the victim wasn't gagged. Why didn't he gag her, Annie?

Annie Cartwright:
Because he needed to, er, he needed to see her mouth, her lips. We have to see the things that we value.

Sam Tyler:
Now put yourselves in the mind of this man. You're lonely. Every night you dream of this girl, and she's got big eyes and red ruby lips. So you go out and you find that girl, and you bring her home. But you don't gag her, cos you want to see those ruby lips, but you just can't bring yourself to kiss 'em.

Annie Cartwright:
He'd get embarrassed, angry, he'd start to blame the girl. It's her fault, she's taunting him by just being there.

Sam Tyler:
And then one day you just snap. Strangle her, using bootlace, and the cycle starts all over again with a different girl. And this time, you're positive that you're going to be brave enough to kiss her.

Annie Cartwright:
Only you won't be.

[To a handful of kids, staring at his car]

Gene Hunt:
Anything happens to this motor, I'll come 'round your houses and stamp on all your toys. Got it? Good kids.

[Sam stands on a building roof, planning to jump to wake up from his coma]

Annie Cartwright:
We all feel like jumping sometimes, Sam. But we don't, you and me. Because we're not cowards.

[After taking Annie's hand]

Sam Tyler:
What's that on your hand? Is that grit?

Annie Cartwright:
Sand. When I was running up here, I tripped and I fell against the fire bucket.

Sam Tyler:
See, why would I think of something like that? Why would I put that kind of detail in it?

Annie Cartwright:
You wouldn't.

Sam Tyler:
What should I do, Annie?

Annie Cartwright:
Stay.

[credits introduction to every episode apart from episode 1]

Sam Tyler:
My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident, and I woke up in 1973. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time? Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet. Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home.

[Sam Tyler asks Leonard, a witness, the registration number of the car that he saw]

Leonard:
E... dunno.

Gene Hunt:
Sorry, was that you saying the letter E and then you don't know the rest, or was that you saying "Ee, I dunno!"?

Sam Tyler:
This place is like Guantanamo Bay.

Gene Hunt:
Give over, it's nothing like Spain.

[To Phyllis Dobbs, custody sergeant, talking about a witness that he's just brought in]

Sam Tyler:
He's a key witness. So could you treat him like a person, Phyllis? D'you remember "people"? You used to be one!

[Gene is looking at a poster for The Good, The Bad And The Ugly]

Sam Tyler:
Which one are you?

Gene Hunt:
All three.

Test Card Girl:
Do you not like me with my clown? I can see I make you frown. When on Earth will all this end? I'm your friend, your only friend.

Gene Hunt:
Tits in a jumper, maybe a result.

[Sam & Gene are questioning a suspect]

Gene Hunt:
You know, if you were Pinocchio you'd have just poked my eye out!

[Sam and Annie are standing on the steps outside, Gene Hunt approaches with Leonard, a witness who Annie has just agreed to watch overnight]

Sam Tyler:
Annie's going to sit with him tonight.

Gene Hunt:
Hey, Leonard! Fanny in the flat! Nice work!

Sam Tyler:
Look, I was thinking, guv. I know having me here is difficult for you. What if I went back?

Gene Hunt:
To Hyde?

Sam Tyler:
Is that possible?

Gene Hunt:
I'll get on the blower.

[Gene picks up the phone]

Sam Tyler:
You can do that? You can just send me back to where I came from?

Gene Hunt:
[on phone] Hello, is that the Wizard of Oz? [to Sam] The Wizard'll sort it out. It's because of the wonderful things he does.

[Sam's coming down the one-way street with some food in both hands, about to step on the walkway when a cyclist from behind almost hits him]

Sam Tyler:
Oi! [upset] Keep it on the road! [walks along some steps, adding semi-joking/sternly] Comin' 'round your house, stamp on your toys!"

[After hearing his mothers voice on the police radio, followed by that of Phyllis, the police receptionist]

Sam Tyler:
Phyllis, is that you?

Phyllis:
No, it's Jane Fonda on the hunt for men!

Chris Skelton:
Bingo! I got one. Martin Ellis, lorry driver. Waiting for a fabrics pick-up at 2:30 this morning. Spotted a thickset man running of the loom hall.

Sam Tyler:
Good, can I see it?

[Chris shows Sam a black and white picture with a head looking like a butternut squash with ears]

Sam Tyler:
Chris, have you ever seen anybody that looks like that?

Chris Skelton:
It's the best we could do.

Sam Tyler:
It's a doddle, then. We're looking for someone with hamster's cheeks, a nose like Audrey Hepburn and a two-foot forehead.

Ted Bannister:
You're not on your own. Nobody is! Not unless you want to be.

[To another police officer examining blood on the floor]

Gene Hunt:
Oi! Hairy Mary, shift yourself. You're in the way.

Sam Tyler:
Let him do his job.

Gene Hunt:
Chief culprit is Ted Bannister. I want him in custody by teatime.

Sam Tyler:
What, because he spoke first?

Gene Hunt:
'Cos he's guilty as sin, and he's a Commie bastard.

Sam Tyler:
Sorry, that's bollocks. Total rubbish.

Gene Hunt:
You're just itching to get your blood-spillage book out, aren't ya!

Sam Tyler:
You're making him prime suspect based on what, a hunch?

Gene Hunt:
Is my name 'Coco'?

Sam Tyler:
What?

Gene Hunt:
Why are you trying to make me look like a clown? Litton's gonna have a field day when he finds out you left four untraceable shooters out there.

Sam Tyler:
This isn't about Litton. And don't blame me for this. You dumped it on me!

Gene Hunt:
I thought you said you could multi... story... task... Whatever!

Sam Tyler:
You make it sound like a war.

Ted Bannister:
Yeah, well, maybe it is

Sam Tyler:
Worth fighting for.

Ted Bannister:
Worth dying for.

Gene Hunt:
Worth killing for? How did you kill him, by the way?

Ted Bannister:
Look, I told you, I went home.

Gene Hunt:
Liar. Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar!

Chris Skelton:
LIAR!

Ted Bannister:
I want to see some sort of lawyer.

Chris Skelton:
A liar?

Ted Bannister:
A lawyer!

Gene Hunt:
Say goodnight, Gracie, and sit down. I said sit down!

Sam Tyler:
Ted-

Ted Bannister:
Look, you've got to open the mill, we- we can't afford to lose this order!

Gene Hunt:
The mill stays shut until our inquiry is over.

Ted Bannister:
For god's sakes!

Gene Hunt:
SIT DOWN, OR I'LL SIT YOU DOWN! NOW!

[To Sam about the tin of Party Seven beer]

Gene Hunt:
Oi, Romeo. Are we gonna open this bog water or what?

Gene Hunt:
[about Ted Bannister] Tenner says he did it.

Sam Tyler:
This is-

Gene Hunt:
Tenner and a tin of Party Seven.

Sam Tyler:
If you think that I'm going to reduce a murder investigation to the level of a playground bet--

Gene Hunt:
[to the accompaniment of chicken noises from Ray] Cowardy cowardy custard. Can't cut the mustard.

[Preparing guns before the shoot-out]

Ray Carling:
Yeah, but can you hit anything?

Sam Tyler:
You should see my Playstation scores.

Gene Hunt:
Drop your weapons! You are surrounded by armed bastards!

Gene Hunt:
What's your problem,Tyler?

Sam Tyler:
My problem!?! My problem...would rock...your...world!

Gene Hunt:
Will someone please put some bog roll in the toilets! I've just had to wipe my arse on Francis Lee!

[To the woman who - on orders from a local gangster - set him up for a 'honey trap']

Sam Tyler:
You're a loser, Joni... or whatever your name is. Because you live in fear. And that's not really living at all, is it? See, I don't live in fear. I'm alive.

[Bursting in on Stephen Warren, who is performing an act of oral sex on another man]

Gene Hunt:
I'm not a Catholic me'self Mr Warren, but isn't there something in the Bible about "Thou shalt not suck off rent boys"?

Warren:
How dare you come in here!

Gene Hunt:
You could have said that to the boy.

[Sam Tyler is hand cuffed to his bed, naked]

Gene Hunt:
Morning

Sam Tyler:
Piss off

Gene Hunt:
Well it's not all badminton and golf in Hyde, then eh?

Gene Hunt:
You think you know everything, don't you?

Sam Tyler:
I know the stench of rotten apples.

Gene Hunt:
Yeah? And I know your slag is lying through her teeth and do you wanna know why?

Sam Tyler:
Yeah, why?

Gene Hunt:
Steven Warren is a bum bandit. Do you understand? A poof! A fairy! A queer! A queen! Fudge packer! Uphill Gardener! Fruit picking sodomite!

Sam Tyler:
He's gay?

Gene Hunt:
As a bloody Christmas Tree! Mind you, he is a little touchy on the subject, being a twisted Catholic with an elderly mother and all, so I wouldn't go mentioning it to him... You challenged his authority so he stitched you up like a kipper. Pretty girl appealed to your vanity as the only decent sheriff in Dodge City. Slipped you a Mickey, tied you up and bounced on your ding-a-ling.

Sam Tyler:
Why?

Gene Hunt:
I suspect the answer will lie in the post. Photos, you idiot.

[Tyler and Hunt have forced one of Warren's men to strip to his underwear in his cold store, to encourage him to answer their questions]

Gene Hunt:
My friend is going to ask you some questions. Personally I hope you don't answer them because I want you to die in here and end up inside a pork pie.

[ Sweet is playing loudly in a club]

Gene Hunt:
Do you like this music?

Sam Tyler:
Yeah, I do, don't you?

Gene Hunt:
It's just a lot a noise, really. Me and the wife like, eh, Roger Whittaker. Well, lot more her than me. D'ya know him?

Sam Tyler:
Not intimately.

Gene Hunt:
Keep it to yourself. We all have our dirty little secrets

Sam Tyler:
Indeed we do.

[Gene and Sam need to get a pub landlord out of the way so that they can go undercover]

Gene Hunt:
Ray! Go and arrest the landlord of the Trafford Arms.

Ray Carling:
What for?

Gene Hunt:
Think of something on the way.

[Later]

Gene Hunt:
In a bizarre twist of fate, the landlord was arrested this afternoon... on suspicion of cattle rustling.

[Ray takes a bow and receives a round of applause]

Sam Tyler:
We havent got any plates.

Gene Hunt:
Improvise!

Men in the Trafford Arms:
What's this?

Sam Tyler:
It's chicken... in a basket.

Ray Carling:
I'm arresting you for the theft of a motor vehicle, resisting arrest... and driving like a div.

Ray Carling:
Chris, you're a div. Get in.

Sam Tyler:
If it was to do with football, he'd have serious injuries.

Gene Hunt:
He's dead! That's quite serious.

Gene Hunt:
There will never be a woman prime minister as long as I have a hole in my arse.

Gene Hunt:
Oi! Referee! Has anyone ever told you you need glasses, you dozy git? Next time, I run you over!

Ray Carling:
I think it was a heart attack.

Gene Hunt:
Then it must've exploded out of his arse, there's blood all down his back.

Gene Hunt:
Time to liven things up a bit. Hard to keep your stories straight when you're pissed. You ask my missus.

Sam Tyler:
I'm not sure that's ethical.

Gene Hunt:
It's not. It's vodka.

Test Card Girl:
Why did you promise him, Sam? Daddies always let you down, don't they?

Gene Hunt:
Juries love all that. Makes 'em feel like Columbo.

[To Peter Bond, a football fan who has beat Colin Clay, a fellow supporter, to death in order to provoke a riot between opposing supporters]

Sam Tyler:
You know nothing about football! [Punches Bond, winding him] I used to go to football with my dad. United and City fans used to walk to the match together. Our next door neighbour, he had a City flag up in his window. Kids used to play together in the street - red and blue. But then people like you came along and you took it away from us.

Peter Bond:
A good punch up's all part of the game! It's about pride. Pride in your team. Being the best!

Sam Tyler:
No it isn't! This is how it starts and then it escalates. It gets on the telly and in the press, and then other fans from other clubs start trying to out do each other. And then it becomes about hate! And then it's nothing to do with football any more! It's about gangs and scumbags like you roaming the country seeing who can cause the most trouble. And then we overreact, and we have to put up perimeter fences and we treat the fans like animals! Forty, fifty thousand people herded into pens! And then how long before something happens, eh? How long before something terrible happens and we are dragging bodies out?

[Snatching Bond's ticket for the match away from him]

Peter Bond:
That's mine!

Sam Tyler:
This doesn't belong to you. This belongs to decent people, who work hard all week and take their kids to the match on a Saturday! People like Colin Clay!

[After the case has been resolved, proving both Gene and Sam equally correct about the crime]

Gene Hunt:
I'm ready anytime.

Sam Tyler:
[Bewildered] For what?

Gene Hunt:
An apology. Was this or was this not about football?

Sam Tyler:
Was the killer drinking with him in the Trafford Arms?

Gene Hunt:
Don't make excuses; I'm right, you're wrong, admit it. Was this about football?

Sam Tyler:
Not in the way you thought.

Gene Hunt:
Still about football!

Sam Tyler:
The only reason we caught him was because I persuaded you to go undercover! All you were doing before that was dragging hooligans in!

Gene Hunt:
Still about football!

Sam Tyler:
[Frustrated] You just will not be proved wrong, will you?! You know, that's very childish!

Gene Hunt:
No it is not.

Sam Tyler:
[Childishly] Is!

Gene Hunt:
[Equally childishly] Isn't!

[Ray walks into shot, wearing a Manchester United scarf and freezes once he sees Sam and Gene]

Sam Tyler:
I thought he had flu?

Gene Hunt:
Sergeant!

[Ray makes a run for it]

Gene Hunt:
[chasing] Come back 'ere you skiving little git!

Sam Tyler:
We need to start a dialog with the hostage taker.

Gene Hunt:
We need the hostage taker in handcuffs or dead on the floor

Sam Tyler:
We need an inner cordon as well as this one. Think of it as two circles, one inside the other. The area in the centre is out of limits to everybody but us.

Gene Hunt:
Fair enough.

Sam Tyler:
Call it the doughnut.

Gene Hunt:
Jam or custard?

Sam Tyler:
Now you're just being silly.

Gene Hunt:
I'm not the one calling it a doughnut

Hugo Barton:
[runs towards the team] Excuse me!

Sam Tyler:
Excuse me sir, can you go back behind the cordon, please.

Hugo Barton:
Hugo Barton. I'm a reporter from the Gazette.

Gene Hunt:
Oh, terrific. [shouts at the hostage taker] Oi! We've got another one for you!

Sam Tyler:
Guv.

Hugo Barton:
He walked in about 40 minutes ago; he was just ahead of me. He pulled a gun; he means business.

Gene Hunt:
Y'know, I'd listen to the snot in my hankie before I'd listen to you.

Sam Tyler:
I'M ALIVE!

Sam Tyler:
His only way of talking to the outside world will be through-

Gene Hunt:
Us

Sam Tyler:
Me. I'm the negotiator.

Gene Hunt:
I'll make you a hat.

Gene Hunt:
I reckon we can take him, I'll jump on him, you take his gun and Cartwright can jump up and down on his knackers.

Gene Hunt:
Always trust the Gene Genie!

Gene Hunt:
Now is not the time to have a one night stand with your conscience.

Gene Hunt:
You so much as belch out of line and I'll have your scrotum on a barbed wire plate.

Nelson:
I set the rules here.

[just caught by DCI Hunt]

Billy Kemble:
Oh, bollocks.

Gene Hunt:
My thoughts exactly. [knees Kemble in aforementioned spot]

[to Sam]

Gene Hunt:
You're never happy unless you're making my life complicated, are ya.

Andrea Kemble:
He your boss? What would I get for smacking him one?

Sam Tyler:
A round of applause from half our station.

Sam Tyler:
If we can't police ourselves, how are the public supposed to trust us?

Gene Hunt:
The public don't give a damn what we do, as long as we get results.

Sam Tyler:
You're wrong.

Sam Tyler:
[yelling] GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Gene Hunt:
I don't know... [pause] ... who the biggest dickhead is round here. [to Ray Carling] You, for what happened... [to Sam] You, for your holier than thou act... or me, for having any of you on my team.

[Reading a title of a pornographic film]

Gene Hunt:
Once Upon A Time In Her Vest? [disgusted] You dare to pollute the glorious genre of the American Western?

[To Annie, touching her cheek]

Sam Tyler:
Just so that you know. I don't hate everything about this place.

Gene Hunt:
I think you've forgotten who you're talking to.

Sam Tyler:
An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?

Gene Hunt:
You make that sound like a bad thing.

Vic Tyler:
I've got a young lad named Sam.

Gene Hunt:
I've got a pain in the arse called Sam!

Gene Hunt:
[disgusted] Looks like they've been thinking up [porn movie] titles.. Listen to this: "On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix".

[Last lines of the first series]

Ray Carling:
So, what do you want to do now, Guv?

Gene Hunt:
[thinks for a moment] Pub!

Ray Carling:
[smirks] Pub.

Chris Skelton:
[grins] Pub.

Sam Tyler:
[looks at the other three men in turn, slowly smiles] Pub.

[All get in car and drive off]

Nelson:
What're your poisons?

Gene Hunt:
Tan and bitter. Sam?

Sam Tyler:
Diet Coke.

[Nelson and Gene look blankly at Sam]

Sam Tyler:
I'm just joking. Pint of bitter.

Gene Hunt:
Detective Sergeant Ray Carling, you are hereby stripped of your rank and demoted to Detective Constable. From now on, your main responsibilities will be maintenance of CID stationery cupboard. You will account for every pen, pencil and paper clip in this office.

Ray Carling:
Oh, come on, guv...

Gene Hunt:
You will only participate in other investigations at my discretion. Half your wages for the next twelve months, including any overtime, will be deducted by me and given directly to the Police Benevolent Fund. You are also barred from the Railway Arms until I decide otherwise. You so much as belch out of line and I'll have your scrotum on a barbed-wire plate.