Lopez vs Lopez, Season 1

[First lines of the series]

George Lopez:
Oh, my God! Why are you shaking your nalgas for the whole world to see?

Mayan Lopez:
I'm connecting with other women who have daddy issues.

George Lopez:
Oh, I'm sure you'll connect with some daddies on there too.

George Lopez:
No domestic beer for you, Oscar. My best friend deserves only the best imported.

Oscar:
Thanks, man. Hey, you know what would be even better, though?

George Lopez:
If we were high.

Oscar:
How'd you know I was gonna say that?

George Lopez:
'Cause you said the same thing this morning, then we got high.

Oscar:
Hey, take it easy. Some of us are high.

Mayan Lopez:
Sorry, there's an entitled white lady at work.

Oscar:
Just one?

George Lopez:
One is all you need to ground a Delta flight.

Mayan Lopez:
She treats us all like crap.

George Lopez:
Sounds like you need to show her the Lopez way.

Mayan Lopez:
Please, don't start.

George Lopez:
It's a foolproof method. It's even how your mom and I fell in love. On our first date, we made the waiter cry.

Mayan Lopez:
That's not something to be proud of.

[Mayan Lopez destroys the wall with a hammer.]

Mayan Lopez:
Freaking bitches! (breathing heavily)

George Lopez:
Wow!

Mayan Lopez:
Oh, man. I didn't know I had that in me. I guess I got that from you.

George Lopez:
You didn't get that throwing the hammer down thing from me. You got it from your mom. Ta loca. I'm scared of you. Put that in the truck.

George Lopez:
I'm not about to get kidnapped and sex trafficked. I don't think there's a market in sex trafficking for some viejita with bunions.

George Lopez:
We have those, and we use them on Wednesdays between Chicago Med and Chicago Fire.

George Lopez:
Moving is pretty self-explanatory, but I got one rule. If you break something, go full Shaggy.

Mayan Lopez:
How do you have a 5-star Yelp rating?

George Lopez:
If you give Oscar enough Adderall, he can write a lot of reviews. Ah, ¿qué onda, güey?

Mayan Lopez:
Are those guys new hires? I don't recognize them.

Mayan Lopez:
They're both so fluent in Spanish. It reminds me of "me". But they speak English, too, right?

George Lopez:
No, the only thing they know in English is "It wasn't me!".

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
Fine. I'm going to play with my toys in English!

George Lopez:
It has a motor, fool. Where'd you even blow into?

Mayan Lopez:
Before you start blowing anything up, we should check with Chance to see if this is what he really wants. I'm sure he wants a bug party. Like, he's so excited that he started his own bug collection, and now I have to burn his sheets.

George Lopez:
Oh, those ants are my fault. I keep hot dogs under the bed. Why do you think I'm never hung over?

Mayan Lopez:
Chance!

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
I've got a bounce house! This party's about to be lit!

Mayan Lopez:
But what about the bugs?!

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
They're dead! They'll still be dead next week!

George Lopez:
Guess he's okay with it. Wanna see a live chicken? Say hello to Hennifer Lopez!

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
Whoa!

George Lopez:
Don't get too attached.

George Lopez:
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's there to hear it, it's still in the woods. It's just laying there sleeping it off.

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
Mommy, we won! I hit a home run!

Mayan Lopez:
You don't miss being the coach?

George Lopez:
Oh, that must be the rest of our guests.

Mayan Lopez:
What are you talking about?

George Lopez:
Well, Rosie doesn't feel like it's a real Latino Christmas unless there's at least 10 family members.

George Lopez:
'Course I do. I'm Latino. I believe in ghosts, Raider Nation, and that Vick's VapoRub can cure cancer. You don't?

Mayan Lopez:
Quentin's a nonbeliever.

George Lopez:
I shouldn't be in here. This is all your fault. What do you want from me, old woman? Oh, I'm sorry. Let me speak to you in your native tongue.

Dolores:
You are always wrong, baboso. Actually, it's more like this.

George Lopez:
So, Doctor, if Churro needs one tranquilizer, she weighs 10 pounds. How much would a dog need that weighed, like, 200 pounds? Like, 20?

George Lopez:
Can you believe Mayan? Complaining that I never tell her I'm proud of her. I must have said it one time behind her back accidentally. That's gotta count for something.

[first lines]

Mayan Lopez:
Wow. This place is so clean.

George Lopez:
All right. This has got to work. I'm gonna text Sam pretending to be a hot lady. "Hey, big guy. Saw your pics, and I think you're hot AF. Want to meet up?". And then we send a picture of her hot pocket.

George Lopez:
Well, maybe he's got other priorities, like spending time with his kid.

George Lopez:
So now we're short a player for our fantasy baseball league. I swear, some people only think of themselves!

Mayan Lopez:
But what about Quinten? He likes sports and he never thinks about himself.

George Lopez:
This is fantasy baseball, Mayan, and none of my fantasies include Quinten.

[first lines]

Mayan Lopez:
Gonna meet the new neighbors. I made them guacamole using avocados from their tree that hangs over our fence.

George Lopez:
I'd love to go.

Mayan Lopez:
Oh, you wanna welcome them to the neighborhood too?

George Lopez:
Yeah, I'd like to welcome them to leave.

[Night becomes day in George Lopez's house, and then the rooster crows to wake everyone up.]

George Lopez:
Okay, Gordo, since you couldn't go to real Farm Camp, I give you La Vaca Flaca!

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
Honestly, I'm fine with the store-bought milk.

George Lopez:
Well, I'm not. So put your hands on those chichis, and let's get to squeezing.

[first lines]

George Lopez:
Can you please turn those pages quieter? I'm trying to watch TV.

George Lopez:
You just had to come and spy on me so you could tell Mayan every little thing I did wrong!

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
Well, this has been quite a... What do you call it? Gas. But my family's probably starting to worry, so I should go.

[first lines]

Mayan Lopez:
Okay, don't tell Quinten we're celebrating his new promotion by taking him out to a fancy steak dinner. At Panda Express. He's only part-time assistant manager.

Mayan Lopez:
Work is important, but so is self-care.

George Lopez:
You barely work, and you have no life. You guys aren't Gen Z. You guys are Gen Lazy. Ha!

George Lopez:
I'll remember that for the police report. Let's play a new game, all right? This one is called Scavenger Hunt. Let's see if you can find a dinosaur, a minion, and a half-eaten chicken nugget. You're doing good. You're doing good. 3, 2, 1! Oh!

George Lopez:
Okay. Listen, that's not fair.

Mayan Lopez:
Hey, it's payback for all the times that you partied instead of being a responsible parent when I was a kid.

George Lopez:
Damn, actually that is fair.

[first lines]

George Lopez:
Quick, it's an emergency!

Mayan Lopez:
Oh, my God! What's wrong with Churro?

George Lopez:
She ate my beer money.

George Lopez:
You see, Rosie, when a man cheats, he doesn't lead with "Do you come here often? I don't, because I have a wife and kid."

Rosie:
So what you're saying is, you didn't just hurt me. You hurt Bunny too.

[first lines]

Mayan Lopez:
How's Churro looking, Dr. Pocha? Does she have a hearing problem, or is she a mean girl playing mind games?

Dr. Pocha:
Let's test it out with a basic canine auditory assessment. Hey, Churro, can you hear me? Kidding. I did a cochlear exam earlier, and Churro has hearing loss because she's an old woman.

Mayan Lopez:
Great, so you 2 are gonna work together on music and decorations. I want a female mariachi band who know Rihanna's entire catalog off book.

George Lopez:
They have female mariachis? What do their grito sound like? "Ayyy, put that toilet seat down!".

[first lines]

Mayan Lopez:
Dad, you're getting cheese on my couch. And I can't flip the cushion over because you got chili on the other side.

George Lopez:
It's not my fault you keep your cushions where I keep my chili. Don't worry. I'll clean it.

George Lopez:
I'm not worried. I'm the sniffing glue that holds this family together.

Rosie:
Don't be so sure. She not only let you back in her life. She opened her home to you. So when you don't respect her boundaries, it's triggering.

George Lopez:
Wow, you learned a lot in therapy.

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
It worked!

George Lopez:
I guess we're both war heroes now.

[final lines]

George Lopez:
All Latino kids drink it. My mom's breast milk went straight into my coffee. Didn't stunt my growth.

Rosie:
It's true. His head is still growing.

George Lopez:
(on the phone) Hey, what's up? Aw, man, how you doin'? It's been a long time, huh? It's good to hear from you, man. Yeah, we need to get a beer. All right, later. (high-pitched voice) Bye.

Mayan Lopez:
Who was that?

George Lopez:
Um, Verizon.

Rosie:
He always uses phone companies when he's lying. He used to get a ton of calls from a hoochie named Pacific Bell.

George Lopez:
It's just, uh, Don Patino.

George Lopez:
Come on, Mayan, talk to me.

Mayan Lopez:
Not right now. I'm pretending these moles are your head.

George Lopez:
I just thought once you saw Don that you'd remember the good times.

Mayan Lopez:
No. I remember what he does to you. The old Dad I couldn't rely on comes back when Don's around. I mean, he's been here one day and you've already lied to me. Mom and I want nothing to do with him.

Rosie:
Look what your godfather got me. I feel like a cartel leader's wife.

Mayan Lopez:
Are you really forgiving Don just because he bought you a coat that makes you look like Mary J. Blige?

Rosie:
I haven't necessarily forgiven him, but a fur coat is a good start. I'm gonna go see what this looks like in front of the fun mirrors.

George Lopez:
See? Don's a good guy, Mayan, and he's missed you. Guess what he named Flyin' Mayan?

Mayan Lopez:
A strain of weed?

George Lopez:
No, but side hustle. He named his racehorse after you.

Mayan Lopez:
A horse is supposed to make up for ripping my family apart?

George Lopez:
Yes. It's a thoroughbred, Mayan. It was thoroughly bred. But listen, I know you blame Don for everything that I did wrong, but I make my own bad decisions. So if you're be mad at somebody, be mad at me.

Mayan Lopez:
I am mad at you!

George Lopez:
Why? What did I do?

George Lopez:
You don't have to remind me. I don't know what the hell that is.

Mayan Lopez:
It means following through with something, even when it's hard.

George Lopez:
My ex-wife kept the wedding ring, and then hid it in her bra. So today I'm here to seek breast-itution.

Rosie:
Oh, he took everything from me. The least he could do is let me keep that ring! (sobs) Was that good? 'Cause I could do it again.

All:
♪ Corte! ♪

Justicia:
Stop that, Señor Lopez. You could lean back into last week, and your head still wouldn't look any smaller. You're here to sue your ex-wife. Care to tell us why?

George Lopez:
Uh, yes. This bruja ruined my life. I am a hard working small business owner of an affordable moving company, Lop E.Z. Movers. Please follow me on Instagram at L-O-P-E...

Justicia:
Silencio! This is a court of law, not a place for you to shamelessly advertise your business. And we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

All:
♪ Corte! ♪

George Lopez:
I don't have a calendar. On the day of a move, I get a call from the client saying, "Where the hell are you?". Then I tell 'em, "Around the corner!". And I jump in the shower.

Rosie:
Landing this commercial move would be big for us. There's the client. Remember the number one rule in business. Shut up. Let me do the talking.

George Lopez:
Hi, there, I'm George Lopez, founder of Lop E.Z. Movers. As you can see, I only have the strongest members on my crew. Momo here can do 50 push-ups.

Mayan Lopez:
No one would even touch these after Natalia said, "I don't eat meat wrapped in meat.".

George Lopez:
That's crazy. The outside meat enhances the flavor of the inside meat.

[Chance Lopez-Van Bryan is shown wearing a George Lopez costume.]

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
Orale! I'm George Lopez! Oh, my God.

Mayan Lopez:
Chance, what are you doing?

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
Practicing for my hero presentation. Let me tell you about a day in the life of a hero like me. I wake up at 7 and crack open a beer. Then I notice I have a cool, new bruise. Whoa! Where did that come from? And then I shrug and go back to sleep, because thinking is hard.

[Chance Lopez-Van Bryan sleeps on the couch, then he wakes up.]

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
Uh-oh! It's noon. Time to cough in the bathroom for 10 minutes, then have another beer for lunch.

George Lopez:
That really how you see me, Gordo?

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
Yeah, you're a cool 85-year-old who does what he wants. You are my hero.

George Lopez:
No, I'm not, Gordo. A hero sets a better example for a kid.

Chance Lopez-Van Bryan:
All right. But don't tell my teacher that, because I'm one gold star away from a personal pan pizza.