Mystery Science Theater 3000, Season 3

[The movie credits show:
Miles O'Keefe]

Crow:
How much Keefe is in this movie?

Servo:
Oh, Miles O' Keefe!

Ator:
Man's destiny is predetermined.

Joel:
Oh, he's a Calvinist!

[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]

Servo [as one of the villains]:
You idiot, we don't even have a doe license!

[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]

Joel [as Mila]:
Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.

Tom [as Mila]:
What would MacGyver do?

[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]

Narrator:
After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.

Servo:
Oh, you mean the '80s.

[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]

Crow:
He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.

[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]

Crow:
Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!

Servo:
Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point!

[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]

Joel:
I don't believe it - they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.

[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]

Joel:
Hey, it's not slimy at all!

Servo:
That's 'cause it's made out of velour.

. . .

Servo:
Just cut the wires, Ator!

[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]

Servo:
Oh, come on.

Crow:
What the…?!

Servo:
[laughs]

Joel:
Terrific. [childlike voice] I'm the luckiest boy in the world! I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!

Servo:
This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics…

[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]

Servo:
Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.

Joel:
Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.

[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]

Joel:
Oh, he's landing in the outback now.

[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]

Crow:
Uh- huh?

Joel:
How'd he do that?

Servo [as Ator]:
How'd I do that?

[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]

Joel:
Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now.

Crow:
Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts.

[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]

Crow [as Gamera]:
Those kids at school - they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!

[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]

Kenny:
Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!

Joel [as Dr. Murase]:
Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!

Dr. Murase:
Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.

General:
Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.

Servo [as Murase]:
Because Kenny said so.

[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]

Newsman:
There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...

Crow [as Newsman]:
... and Kenny...

Dr. Murase:
Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.

Servo:
More Gamera movies?

[Scene:
the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]

Announcer:
The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.

Joel [as Announcer]:
Kenny, however, is free to move about.

[After Servo finishes a song about Tibby the turtle]

Crow:
Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention:
the public domain karaoke machine]

Dr. Forrester:
For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?

TV's Frank:
People vomit?

Dr. Forrester:
Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting!

[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]

Crow:
It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.

[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]

Hunter #1:
What the hell is that?

Hunter #2:
I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!

Crow:
A pear?

[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]

Crow:
Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop?

[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]

Rick:
It stinks!

[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]

Joel:
Oh, terrific - we were saved by the gates of Hell.

Crow:
Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?

Joel [as Adman]:
It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.

Crow:
And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?

[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]

Servo:
Syntho-birds.

Crow:
Hey, it's a Casio forest.

Joel:
They parked next to a data stream.

[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]

Joel [as Tommy]:
Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!

Tommy:
You know what "play" means, Trumpy?

Crow [as Trumpy]:
Yes, it's where I break you in half.

[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]

Tommy:
You see? The pieces go together.

Joel:
Oh, if only this film were so lucky.

[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]

Joel:
They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.

. . .

Tommy:
You can do magic things!

[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]

Crow [as Trumpy]:
It's called "evil", kid.

Servo:
Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?

Joel:
He's got Bette Davis eyes.

Crow:
Orphan Annie eyes.

[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]

Crow [as Molly]:
Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.

Servo:
Meanwhile, in another movie? [sighs] Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT!

Tommy's mother:
Tommy, can you hear me?

Joel [as Tommy's mother]:
Can you feel me near you?

Joel:
I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works!

Servo:
I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams)

Joel:
Oh, we've got commercial sign!!

[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]

Servo:
Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting.

Servo:
And, we'll be right back, right after this.

Kids, here's the greatest, the neatest, the latest thing! 5000-piece Fightin' Men 'N Monster Set (some pieces not included)! Astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! Here's what you get:

500 Japanese light infantry (body parts may not be missing)

36 helpless individuals

20 tanks

15 recoil-less rifles (not in the set)

24 Bazooka Gum runners

18 ambulance chasers

12 jet fighters (six not included)

16 helicopter parts

200 shooting crouchers

19 fighting clowns

8 deserters

6 geese a laying

24 Mohawk Indians

And much much much much more!

Act now and receive, at half the extra value, the Mystifying Monster Action Pack! Flame on with Gamera (torso sold seperately), he belches real fire and causes real pain! Solid rubber Barugon comes complete with optional ram-tongue action (not responsible for nerve damage)!

Act now, act often, and snap on the entire Tokyo Metropolitan Area (some parts may not exist)! Complete with buildings, bridges and the breakaway Monte-Nuco Dam (smaller than shown)! Trample the add on Hapless Citizen Play Set, then abhor the action with the fabulous Anti-War Protest Pack (Senator Wellstone not included)!

But that's not all! Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the Lights, Gamera, Action series! There's the Gimp, the Goon, the Shamed Old Brother, the Hapless Geisha and the Fall-Apart Voodoo Kenny!

Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Review, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you created explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah or Puerto Rico! Prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, and some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! Mommy! Mommy!

[Joel muffles him with an oxygen mask]

Joel:
Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one. Let's not do that again.

[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]

Crow [as Caroline]:
My piece of wood! It died so that we might live.

[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]

Crow [as Officer]:
About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!

Caroline:
Catherine, I'm scared!

Catherine:
Don't worry, we're with you.

Crow:
We're doomed, but with you.

Crow:
C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot!

[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]

Catherine:
Hurry, this way!

Crow:
Oh, like you know where you're going!

[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]

Servo:
AAAH! The tree's having a seizure!

[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]

Crow:
Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people.

[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]

Servo:
D is for damned, as in "Village Of".

. . .

Crow [as dancing boy/Hitler]:
You vill dance with me, Eva!

[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]

Servo [as giraffe]:
I want a Clark bar.

[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]

Joel:
I is for Ike. He hides inside.

[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large ice cream cone is seen]

Joel:
Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone.

. . .

[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]

Joel:
And there's Elvis now.

. . .

[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]

Servo:
[before the narrator can talk] N is for float... huh?

[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]

Servo:
Ah, and there's Louie Anderson.

Narrator:
O is for once...

Servo:
"Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike?

. . .

[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]

Servo:
O is for the obscene treatment of animals.

. . .

Joel:
P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this.

Narrator:
Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!

Joel [as Narrator]:
P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash! [N]

[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]

Crow:
Hey, these are all boys!

. . .

Joel:
Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall!

Servo:
U is for upchuck that comes from below. [imiates vomiting]

Narrator:
X is for Xmas...

Servo:
X is for existential dilemma.

Servo:
Yeah, well, Y is for Yanni, as far as I'm concerned.

[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]

Joel:
Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals that the fish is full of!

[As the film ends]

Crow [as Narrator]:
I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness.

[Upon seeing title of movie]

Crow:
Daddy-O!

Servo:
Must be Harry O's father. Or Wendy O.'s dad.

[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]

Joel [as Chillas]:
Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!

[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]

Phil:
What's this?

Servo [as Chillas]:
It's made of butter.

[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]

Crow:
Oh, bless you.

[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]

Crow:
[startled] Was he mooing?

Photographer:
[trying to get Eiichi's attention] Hey, Boy! Boy!

Joel:
Crazy Boy!

[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]

Crow:
Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press.

[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]

Servo:
[in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!

Crow:
[in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.

Joel:
Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.

Glenn:
All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore.

Joel [as Glenn]:
I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.

Glenn:
I don't want to grow anymore!

Joel [as Glenn]:
I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!

[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]

Servo:
Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!

Crow:
Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield.

[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]

Mike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]:
Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.

Joel, Crow, Servo:
[singing] This is the song written for the train chase. This is the chase, Rocky and Ken! He tried to kill me with a forklift… Olé!

This is the song written for the train chase.

This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!

He tried to kill me with a forklift…

Olé!

Ken:
There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?

Servo:
Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!

[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]

Tom:
Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay.

[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]

Narrator:
...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!

Joel:
Yeah, well, you're full of skit.

. . .

[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]

Tom:
Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.

[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]

Paul Nelson:
I'm sorry, Tom - I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.

Servo [as Tom Anderson]:
Then gimme back my cocktail.

Tom Anderson:
It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.

Crow [as Tom Anderson]:
Bitter? Oh, a tad.

. . .

[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]

Joan Nelson:
A personal friend of yours?

Servo [as Joan]:
Name dropper!

Claire Anderson:
[sarcastically] Real chums.

Tom Anderson:
The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.

Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]:
You will bow down before me!

[Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]

Paul Nelson:
He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside - from man himself.

[The movie credits show:
© MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]

Servo:
[singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best

Joel:
[singing] Movies - NOT!

[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]

Joel, Crow, Servo:
Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!

[An establishing shot of Gaos]

Joel:
Here comes old flattop...

Servo:
[whispering] Don't! George Harrison will sue you!

Joel:
Oops, sorry!

[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]

Joel [as Space Girl]:
Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.

[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]

Akio:
Hey, what happened to my hair?

Tom:
The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!

Joel:
They ate my hair?

[this particular joke was improvised by Josh's Servo in the original KTMA episode]

[The crestfallen Tomoko has been reprimanded by her mother]

Crow [as Tomoko]:
I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles!

[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]

Joel [as Tomoko]:
[in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!

[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]

Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]:
Shut up and keep driving!

[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]

Tomoko:
Kon-chan?

Officer Kondo:
Heh? What?

Joel [as Tomoko]:
[whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!

[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]

Joel [as Tomoko]:
I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!

Professor Bueller:
Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...

Crow [as Bueller]:
...or an arm...

[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say:
"Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]

Professor Bueller:
Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.

Servo [as Bueller]:
Oh, and you must have a wire rack.

Professor Bueller:
Do you know...

Crow [as Bueller]:
...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.

[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]

Man #1:
Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...

Crow [as Man #1]:
Uh... er... panties!

[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]

Bueller:
Now, let's look at another typical example.

[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]

Crow [as Bueller]:
This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing.

[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]

Man #2:
Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...

Crow [as Man #2]:
Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...

Man #2:
I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...

Servo:
Ah, Garrison Keillor.

Professor Bueller:
Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...

Joel [as Bueller]:
...will wish he were dead.

[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]

Joel:
No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him!

Servo:
Wow.

Crow [as Dr. Erhardt]:
Enjoy! [N]

[Joel mentions KISS]

Crow:
[sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool!

[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider:
a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]

Crow:
It's Rose Kennedy!

[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]

Joel:
Sex cameraman? Is this a-

Servo:
No, no, no- S-F-X, Joel.

Joel, Crow, Servo:
[singing to "Blow the Man Down"] Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down Way hey, slow the plot down! We'll scuttle the story and run her aground. We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down

Way hey, slow the plot down!

We'll scuttle the story and run her aground.

We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.

Way hey, slow the plot down!

Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!

We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

Announcer:
Where's the third fellow? He's chicken - never jumped at all.

Crow [as Announcer]:
What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!

[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]

Servo:
Forget about life-jackets this is The 50's.

[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]

Ted Husing:
Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.

Joel [as Ted Husing]:
Kill Colonel Kurtz!

Ted Husing:
It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."

Crow [as Groucho Marx]:
And two hard-boiled eggs.

Servo [as Harpo Marx]:
Honk!

Crow [as Groucho Marx]:
Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [N]

[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]

Ted Husing:
Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago?

Servo [as Husing]:
For voting twice?

Ted Husing:
Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.

Crow [as Bobcat]:
Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!

[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]

Ted Husing:
Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?

Joel:
Hurting the people you know and love?

Crow:
Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?

Ted Husing:
Now you've got a boatload of live cargo - a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or...

Crow:
...or call PETA!

[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]

Joel:
What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys?

[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]

Crow:
How green was my valley?

Joel:
Not very.

Joel:
This script is like a telephone directory!

Crow:
But not as interesting.

[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]

Joel:
Iowa State College: The high school after high school!

Servo [singing]:
If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...

[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]

Joel [as Principal]:
Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.

Crow [as Principal]:
Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?

[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]

Matronly Woman:
Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.

Servo [as Matronly Woman]:
...and why I'm being fired.

[Kay is discussing college with her family.]

Servo:
She consulted Robert McNamara.

Joel:
And Ayn Rand!

[As Kay sends her application letter.]

Narrator:
She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box.

Crow:
(chuckles maniacly)

Joel:
Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.

[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]

Servo [as Kay]:
It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself!

Joel:
It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner!

[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]

Crow [as Jean]:
[in a Curly Howard voice] Hi! Howya doin'? We're gonna have a great time! We're gonna be pals!

[At a costume design class]

Crow:
Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?

[A football game is starting.]

Servo:
Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.

Joel [as audience member]:
Play "Whipping Post"!

[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]

Crow:
[in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you!

[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]

Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]:
Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!

[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]

Servo:
Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.

Narrator:
...but then Kay came up with that all-important question.

Joel [as Kay]:
How do Pop-Tarts work?

Kay:
What are you doing to major in, Helen?

. . .

Louise:
What are you going to take, Jean?

Joel [as Jean]:
I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!

. . .

Kay:
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach.

Joel [as Kay]:
Because I can't do.

[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]

Joel [as little girl]:
...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!

[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]

Joel [as announcer] Home Economics, starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.

Voice Over:
What is "Home Economics"?

Crow:
Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now...

[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]

Joel:
Hey, it's Abbey Road.

Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]:
Here we come, walking down the street...

Servo [singing]:
It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...

[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]

Narrator:
Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all.

Servo:
And to re-enact the last scene from Anna Karenina.

[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]

Ken:
Hey! Hey! Hey!

Joel [as Ken]:
Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!

[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]

Rocky:
It won't be easy getting into this place.

Ken:
How will we do it?

Rocky:
Easy.

Servo:
Wha- wait a minute.

[In a desert, The Bacchus 3 crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]

Crow [as one of the crew]:
Hey, corn...CORN?!?

[Confused about a name in the opening credits]

Joel:
What does "A.S.C." mean?

Servo:
"A sick cookie".

Joel:
Oh.

Joel, Servo, Crow:
[singing to the background music in the opening credits]

Come on and buy some crap from us

You know that you want to

And the white race will salute you

As you prance and gad about!

[A large, bleacher-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]

Mr. B Natural:
Boy! Am I glad to see you!

Crow:
Well, it's not mutual!

Mr. B Natural:
Knew your father, I did!

Joel:
Hey, leave my father out of this!

Mr. B Natural:
And your grandfather! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam!

Servo:
Yeah, you were the snake!

Mr. B Natural:
The spirit of music's inside all of you.

Crow:
No, I bathe.

Mr. B Natural:
In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)

[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]

Joel [as Jim]:
Got it from the Franklin Mint!

[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]

Jeanie:
Wanna come? We could dance!

Crow [as Buzz]:
Don't hit me!

Buzz:
No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...

Jeanie:
But that's not due for two weeks!

Buzz:
I know Jeanie... but I...

Servo [as Buzz]:
...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.

Joel [as Buzz]:
[in a whiny voice] That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me...

Servo:
Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz".

Mr. B Natural:
Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the spirit!

Servo:
Yeah, calls for Satan.

[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]

Buzz:
Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading.

Buzz's Mother:
All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...?

Crow [as Buzz's Mother]:
This time, don't make so much noise when you "read."

Joel [as Buzz's Mother]:
Why does my kid have to be such a dud? I was popular!

Mr. B Natural:
Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you! That's me, B Natural!

Servo:
[excited] So I'm attracted to guys now?

[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]

Mr. B Natural:
You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos.

Crow [as Jerry Lewis]:
The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away!

[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]

Mr. B Natural:
And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.

Servo:
Kicks!

Mr. B Natural:
The glamour of the uniform...

Servo:
Kicks!

Mr. B Natural:
The thrill of traveling for a band competition...

Servo:
The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!

Mr. B Natural:
...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!

Crow [as Buzz]:
Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mr. B Natural:
When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!

Joel:
Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?

[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]

Joel:
You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?

Servo:
Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.

Crow [as Buzz]:
Forget music, I wanna dance!

[Mr. B dances to some music.]

Crow:
He's so perky... kill her.

Servo:
See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.

[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]

Joel [as Buzz]:
[in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!

Crow:
[in a midwestern voice] Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day.

[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]

Joel:
Honey West!

[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]

Joel:
Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.

[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]

Servo:
Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet.

Crow:
This trumpet is flatlining!

[Buzz is performing at a school dance]

Joel, Servo, Crow:
[singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...

. . .

Joel:
Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.

. . .

Crow [as radio host]:
Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...

. . .

[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]

Joel:
It stinks!

Servo:
Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.

[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]

Joel, Crow, Servo [as Car Occupants]:
[singing to "99 Bottles of Beer"] 100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude! Take one down, pass it around, 99 years of solitude!

100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude!

Take one down, pass it around,

99 years of solitude!

Servo:
The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.

[talking about the posture contest]

Narrator:
The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns.

Joel:
Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and wear crappy hats.

[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]

Narrator:
...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.

Servo [as Narrator]:
Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.

[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]

Narrator:
Doesn't Bombo look tired?

Crow:
Yes, very much so.

[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]

Joel [as Bombo]:
No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

[Servo makes broken spine noises]

[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]

Joel:
Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.

[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]

Narrator:
Tommy reminds Jimmy-

Joel:
Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!

Narrator:
-when Jimmy stands off-balance.

Crow [as Narrator]:
Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.

Joel [as Jimmy]:
Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!

Tom:
Heh-heh... what?

Narrator:
At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test.

[A silhouette appears on screen]

Crow:
Hey, it's Hitchcock!

Tom:
Yeah, after Slim-Fast!

[All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]

Narrator:
Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture.

Joel:
And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood.

[Mary is voted posture queen]

Crow:
FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX!

[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]

Servo:
Then Mary's head is lit on fire!

Narrator:
And the other three children win the other posture crowns.

Servo:
Definitely a fix.

Narrator:
Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures?

Joel, Crow, Servo:
NO!

[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]

Narrator:
Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...

Servo [as Narrator]:
...in a prison break.

Narrator:
...and now, it's mended as good as new.

Joel [as Narrator]:
Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.

[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed John Carradine) as he reassures new patient Grace.]

Joel:
Hey, John - why the long face, pal?

[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]

Sharon:
Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.

[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]

Crow [as Sharon]:
NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE!

[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]

Sharon:
Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?

Crow [as Mark]:
Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.

. . .

[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]

Crow [as Conway]:
I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!

Servo [as Groucho]:
I can't think of anything else!

[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]

Lobo:
Time for go to bed!

Joel:
Well said.

[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]

Joel:
His story has a better plot than this movie...

[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]

Crow:
I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]

Crow [as TV Announcer]:
For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!

[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]

Kimar:
Now, go to sleep!

Girmar:
Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.

Bomar:
I want to see more toys!

Kimar:
No, go to sleep!

Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]:
Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?

Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]:
Why, sure!

[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]

Joel [as Announcer]:
Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.

Servo:
[in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.

[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]

Crow [as Santa]:
[cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.

[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]

Bomar:
The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.

Joel [as Santa]:
Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.

. . .

Girmar:
Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!

Joel [as Santa]:
We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!

Crow:
Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam.

[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]

Dr. Forrester:
Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!

TV's Frank:
Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…

Dr. Forrester:
You… hocked… my… Rolex.

TV's Frank:
Yah…

Dr. Forrester:
Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.

TV's Frank:
Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!

Dr. Forrester:
Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.

TV's Frank:
Heh heh. Oh, Henry! [N]

[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]

Sheriff Kyle:
Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!

Crow:
Office?! That's a car.

[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]

Holly:
You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.

Max:
I'm going off duty for the day.

Holly:
Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.

Joel:
Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.

Mr. Trumball:
You got a warrant, sheriff?

Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]:
Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.

Crow:
I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere...

[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]

Okasa:
The old man hired you?

McAlister:
I am not for hire.

Okasa:
We are all for hire. In dark times...

McAlister:
The dark times have gone.

Servo:
You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!

[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]

Max:
Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.

Servo:
We'll be the judge of that.

Crow [as TV announcer]:
Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.

Max:
We're being followed!

Servo [as the Master]:
Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!

[The van makes a sharp left.]

Crow [as the Master]:
Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!

Max:
Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.

Crow:
Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]

[Okasa has the Master cornered, but the Master uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]

Joel:
Oh, ninjas never had those.

Servo [as Okasa]:
Damn. He knows Doug Henning.

Max:
You all right?

Joel [as the Master]:
I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]

Max:
I'm here. Are you?

Carrie:
Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.

Max:
I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.]

Servo [as Carrie]:
You're a wry wit.

[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]

Joel:
You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.