NCIS, Season 6

Ducky:
Mr. Palmer, tell Gibbs he can send in the B-team.

Gibbs:
Implies there's an A-team, Duck.

Ducky:
Isn't there?

Gibbs:
Anything else?

Abby:
A number.

Gibbs:
One, two, six?

Abby:
One hundred and twenty six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple digits, Gibbs! But now it's way more! It's like a third of a whole year! I miss them!

Gibbs:
Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.

Abby:
It's not the same. I miss them collectively, as a group. My three musketeers.

Tony:
[talking on the webcam to McGee, he puts on a pirate-ish Irish accent] Ah, life in the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how is that scurrilous, blackhearted, pirate king of ours, Captain One-Shot Gibbs?

Gibbs:
[walking on-sceen, but Tony can see him.] I'm just fine, DiNozzo.

Tony:
[startled] Oh! Um... ah. [headslaps himself] There you go, boss. Welcome aboard.

Gibbs:
Got work to do.

Tony:
I'm on it, boss. What am I on, McGee?

McGee:
Are you alone?

Tony:
Oh, yeah! Just me and 5000 of my closest friends. I AM NEVER ALONE! [looks over shoulder, then whispers] I really need to come home, boss.

Gibbs:
Working on it.

Tony:
Is this hacking, McGee? Are we hacking?

McGee:
We are not hacking, Tony.

Tony:
But it is illegal, right? Don't answer that. I know it's illegal. I'm having fun.

Eli David:
You know, Leon, sometimes, those who know me ask me directly -- the brave among them -- but most of the time the others, I can feel them looking at me and silently wondering, how can a father possibly raise his daughter to be a professional killer?

Vance:
A question that I've never asked you because I know the answer.

Eli David:
Every day is a fight to survive. It is my dream that my daughter will not have to make that decision with her sons and her daughters; I would like my grandchildren to be doctors and architects, to live a happy life, to grow fat and old. [pause] You want her back, don't you.

Vance:
Yes, Eli, I want her back.

Eli David:
Tell me, Leon, are we winning?

Vance:
I don't know, Eli.

Eli David:
I like to think we are... and then there's something else: a bombing, a kidnapping, an atrocity. Use her well, Leon. Ziva is the sharp end of the spear.

Vance:
Thank you, Eli.

Ziva:
Looks like we found the murder weapon. Toy guitar?

McGee:
That is not a toy guitar. That is a guitar controller. Used to play Lords of Rock, video game. That particular model is called an axe.

Ziva:
So our killer is an axe murderer.

Abby:
Well, Ducky was right. It's snot.

McGee:
It's not what?

Abby:
It's snot.

McGee:
It's not?

Abby:
Yeah, it is.

McGee:
It's what?

Abby:
Snot. The substance found in Lindsey Evans hair. It's snot.

McGee:
Well, why didn't you just say that?

Tony:
What?

Ziva:
You seem, um... different.

Tony:
Taller? Hotter?

Ziva:
Older.

Tony:
Well, it's been over four months.

Ziva:
You still beating yourself up over Jenny?

Tony:
Not as much as I used to.

Ziva:
Drinking?

Tony:
Not as much as I used to.

[Ziva touches his shoulder]

Ziva:
You could have called.

Ziva:
So this is where you have been for the past few months

Tony:
Yes, just like the squad room, only I am the squad and there is no room.

Ziva:
McGee was specifically told to destroy those photos.

Tony:
Guess he forgot.

Ziva:
Then perhaps I should remind him.

Tony:
Go easy on the lad, he's had a rough summer.

Ziva:
Well, we all have.

Tony:
I think it was especially difficult for McGeek. Doesn't handle change well, never has.

Ziva:
He seems fine.

Tony:
[scoffs] Please, cooped up in that techno-basement for four months? You know how much he loves pounding the pavement, working leads, interrogating.

Ziva:
[laughs] McGee?

Tony:
Yeah, not to mention Gibbs, Duckster, you and me, Abs... I mean, everyone knows how close those two are.

Ziva:
McGee was in the sub-basement, Tony. They had lunch every week.

Tony:
It's not the same. You get used to seeing someone every day, talking to them, relying on them, and suddenly they're not there...

Ziva:
It's all part of the job.

Tony:
Doesn't make it any easier... for McGee.

Tony:
Kaplan is the only one who can identify Evans's killer.

Ziva:
And he overdoses.

Tony:
Hell of a coinky-dink.

Ziva:
What's a kwinkadink?

Tony:
Coincidence.

Ziva:
You believe this is a dwinkakwink?

Tony:
Sarcasm, Ziva; you're back in America, flip the switch.

Tony:
What's going on here?

McGee:
Don't know. Don't care. None of my business DiNosey.

Ziva:
You are such a control geek.

Tony:
Freak.

Ziva:
Yes, that too.

Tony:
So you stayed at Abs's last night, huh? You guys sleep in the same room?

Ziva:
It is a one-bedroom apartment.

Tony:
One bedroom, one bed? One coffin?

Ziva:
You want the truth?

Tony:
Yeah, [as Jack Nicholson] I think I can handle the truth.

Ziva:
My building was being fumigated and Abby was kind enough to let me stay over... on the couch... in my pajamas.

Tony:
Come on, work with me! Couldn't you lie just a little bit?

Tony:
So what's up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where'd he get that?

McGee:
Maybe he's bluffing.

Tony:
Uh-uh. It was on the nose.

Ziva:
Whose nose?

Tony:
On the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you went back to Israel. You've reverted.

Tony:
[to McGee] I am the Jedi Master. You are the Padawan learner.

Gibbs:
Abby, what are you doing?

Abby:
A boundary has been crossed, Gibbs. I've been violated. Nothing is sacred anymore.

Gibbs:
Yeah? Tell me.

Abby:
Someone stole my cupcake.

Abby:
I need a DNA swab.

McGee:
What's this about?

Ziva:
Someone stole her cupcake.

McGee:
No! It's an invasion of privacy!

Abby:
[glares at him] McGee, I will get your DNA one way or the other.

Tony:
Do what the woman says. She sleeps in a coffin.

Cole Erickson:
You're that Gunnery Sergeant the Senator always talks about.

Gibbs:
We served together.

Erickson:
The way he tells it, you made a young, raw Lieutenant look good.

McGee:
Hey. You looking for me, Tony?

[McGee walks into Abby's lab and is confronted by Abby, Ziva and Tony.]

Abby:
No, I am. Do you think I'm an idiot?

McGee:
No.

Abby:
What, you thought I wouldn't figure it out?

McGee:
What is she talking about?

Ziva:
The cupcake.

Abby:
You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big fat finger print.

McGee:
Oh, come on, you think I'm that stupid? Look, if I was going to steal your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.

Abby:
You didn't. You used latex gloves. Brand new box, McGee. Only prints, mine and yours.

McGee:
You said you were going gluten-free.

Abby:
Where is it, McGee?

McGee:
I was saving you from yourself, Abby.

Abby:
Where did you save it, McGee?

McGee:
Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn't eaten since lunch, the machine in the break room was empty and it looked so good.

Tony:
[hugs McGee] What were you thinking, McGee? She's a world-class forensic scientist. [dope-slaps him]

Abby:
Thank you Tony.

Ziva:
I bought the cupcake for Abby. [dope-slaps him]

Abby:
So, how was it?

McGee:
It was life-changing.

Abby:
Book 'em, Danno!

Ziva:
I'll call Tony.

McGee:
I'll call Abby. [they both run to the laptop]

[...]

Ziva & McGee:
[via webcam] Gibbs has a father!

Tony & Abby:
[back at the lab] Tell me everything!

McGee:
His name is Jackson. He's a good talker. He may have winked at me.

Ziva:
Gibbs is very different around him.

Abby:
[excitedly] Different how?? Different bad? Different good?

McGee:
He's like a teenager. Sort of.

Ziva:
[to Gibbs, points to a Winchester rifle on the wall] Is that the gun you learned to shoot with?

Gibbs:
No one was ever allowed to touch that Winchester.

Jackson Gibbs:
Let that be a lesson in parenting. Tell a kid he can't have a rifle and he grows up to be a sniper.

[Gibbs looks at his dad awkwardly]

Jackson:
"Boss"? [looks at Gibbs] You make them call you them? [to McGee] He's not a... [looks back at Gibbs] Are you a boss Leroy?

Ziva:
Do you feel that?

McGee:
[digging through trash] What? Week-old bananas?

Ziva:
No. We are being watched.

McGee:
[amazed] How do you do that?

[Flashback to 1976 when Gibbs meets his wife, Shannon, for the first time]

Gibbs:
Are you waiting for the train, too? [she nods] We could sit together.

Shannon:
I don't know. It's a long ride, but I guess you're not a lumberjack.

Gibbs:
No.

Shannon:
I have a rule. It's either rule number one or number three: never date a lumberjack.

Gibbs:
You got a rule for everything?

Shannon:
I'm working on it. Everyone needs a code they can live by. What's your name?

Gibbs:
Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

Shannon:
I'm just gonna call you Gibbs.

Gibbs:
You can call me anything you want.

Shannon:
I'm Shannon.

Gibbs:
You enjoying yourself, Abs?

Abby:
Yes!!! [looking at Gibbs] But you're not. Sorry.

Gibbs:
Thanks, Abs. You can go back to your mold now.

Abby:
Aw, Gibbs. You say the sweetest things.

[Fornell walks past McGee, Tony and Ziva to the conference room to meet an angry Gibbs]

McGee:
The guy is about to be handed his head.

Ziva:
He seems to have it firmly on his shoulders.

Tony:
Calm before the storm. Gibbs versus Fornell. It's like Frazier-Ali or Rocky versus...everyone.

Tony:
What are Mcdoing, McGee?

Abby:
What do you see?

McGee:
Um, french vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Abby:
Interesting. [flipping to another picture] What now?

McGee:
Um.

Abby:
You can say it. We're grown-ups, McGee. Say it.

McGee:
Sex.

Abby:
Mold sex, actually. Practically mold porn.

McGee:
Why are you showing me mold porn?

Ziva:
I'm intrigued by how intrigued you are by this, Tony.

Tony:
And I am curious that you are curious that I am intrigued.

Tony:
Nesiah tova. [Hebrew, "have a safe trip"]

Ziva:
See you next week.

Tony:
[as Norman Bates] My mother isn't quite herself today... [to Ziva, explaining] Psycho.

Ziva:
You certainly have your moments!

Tony:
A movie, Ziva.

[...]

Tony:
[as Norman Bates] Blood, blood!

Ziva:
[to Gibbs] Psycho.

Gibbs:
He has his moments.

Tony:
Hey, you haven't forgotten about the screen saver, have you, Ziva?

Ziva:
Actually, I had, thanks for reminding!

Tony:
What are friends for?!

Tony:
[Referring to the serial killer] Someone wasn't hugged enough as a child.

Tony:
Nice girl, wasn't my type though.

Ziva:
Really? She was breathing.

Tony:
Oh, I have standards, Ziva, otherwise I'd be dating you.

McGee:
My CPU is too small.

Tony:
I'm gonna let that slide.

McGee:
(after his shoes are superglued to the floor) Again with the Krazy Glue?

Abby:
(whispering whislt hiding under her desk) Consider yourself lucky! It was that or Hydrochloric Acid!

Ziva:
I specifically told you to destry those photos...Twice! Tell me the truth and I'll spare you ONE of your eyes!

Ziva:
(gasps satisfied that she has an answer) Give me your hand!

McGee:
What?

Gibbs:
Better than losing an eye, McGee!

Agent Wilson:
How's Gibbs to work for?

Tony:
What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.

Ducky:
Dwayne Wilson...

Gibbs:
He's a baby agent.

Ducky:
And I'm looking at his personnel report because...?

Gibbs:
That's your thing!

Ducky:
My thing? [pause] Ah, I take it that Agent Wilson is alive.

Gibbs:
Oh yeah.

Ducky:
So you don't want me to do an autopsy, which leaves my other thing. Psychological profile?

McGee:
No, you went back too far.

Ziva:
I got it.

McGee:
No, you went back too far.

Ziva:
That's why I'm going fast forward now.

McGee:
Hey, just... let me do is. Let me do it! Please? Okay? You handle this like you handle your car!

Ziva:
And if you want to handle anything ever again remove your hand from my mouse!

Tony:
It's like when you bring a date home you want them to like you. You don't introduce them to your weird uncle Jethro till like the fifth date!

Gibbs:
Since when are you an expert on fifth dates. DiNozzo?

Tony:
You are very right, boss.

Ziva:
I do not understand. If you want someone dead, you knock on their door. They answer, you shoot them. Easy.

[Gibbs smiles]

McGee:
[shocked] For some.

Tony:
I had a bad feeling about that guy. His teeth sparkled.

Ziva:
Meaning?

Tony:
Meaning no one has teeth that white unless they have something to hide.

Ziva:
What is this place?

Guard:
It's classified.

Tony:
Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.

Ziva and McGee:
[in unison] Unicorn!

Guard:
What is your clearance?

Tony:
About six-foot one-and-a-half. Why? Have you got lead ceilings? [points camera flash at guard]

Guard:
[unimpressed by Tony's stalling tactics] Just get him out of here now, would you?

Gibbs:
[passes by] Can't. Protocol.

McGee:
Gotta wait for the medical examiner to release him.

[Ducky and Palmer's truck arrives at the scene]

Ziva:
And there he is.

Guard:
How trucks you guys got?

Tony:
Well, you've already met Widow Woman, the Spider Mike here. [points to Ziva and McGee] The Rubber Ducky makes it a great big convoy.

Ziva:
[hiding with Tony in a closet] Stop breathing! [Tony stops breathing as guard walks past]

Abby:
Stop interrogating me, McGee!

McGee:
Stop acting weird!

Abby:
I am weird!

Tony:
Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?

Ziva:
Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.

Tony:
I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.

Ziva:
The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!

Tony:
I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.

Ziva:
You have had enough of this job, then.

Tony:
I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that part earlier.

Ziva:
If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have learned to follow orders.

Tony:
What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall that you were the first one to throw a punch.

Ziva:
It was a reflex!

Tony:
Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?

Ziva:
Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you -- [long pause]

Tony:
I'm tired of pretending.

Ziva:
So am I.

McGee:
Wonder what they are doing up there.

Tony:
Does the Navy still hang people?

Abby:
Tony!

McGee:
Well, it is treason, Abby.

Abby:
McGeeeehee!

Tony:
What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.

Ziva:
No way.

Lee:
Good night everyone! [Walks out]

McGee:
So they know you're innocent?

Abby:
(scoffs) As a puppy!

McGee:
(stands up and leans over the table before kissing Abby's cheek happily)

McGee:
(to Vance) The suspect's not saying anyhting!

Abby:
(pretends to unzip her lips) I want a lawyer! (pretends to zip her lips back up)

McGee:
[getting navigation set up for Tony and Ziva to go after a lead] There is a built in compass so you don't get lost.

Tony:
Don't worry, McScout. We've got our Mossad hunting dog. Bark once for yes.

Ziva:
[growls]

[McGee is on the phone with Tony, concerned he's lost their signal]

Tony:
Define 'lost', McGee. I know exactly where we are. We're between a tree and a bush, directly underneath the earth's sun.

McGee:
Well you're not showing up on the map, let me restart the scan.

Tony:
You might wanna hurry. Ziva's turning in circles; either the trail's gone cold, or she's about to mark her territory.

Tony:
I smell a non-fat soy double-cross latte.

Tony:
McGPS, are we close to anything?

Tony:
How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a kid?

Ziva:
Just because you work with somebody everyday does not mean that you know *everything* about them.

Tony:
Really? So I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your...

Ziva:
I MEANT, I understand someone wanting to keep their personal and professional lives seperate, as should you. It did not end very well, when you fell in love when you were undercover, did it?

Tony:
...Thanks for the memory.

Ziva:
[putting an ear wig on Lee] You've pled your case with everyone else, why not me?

Lee:
I'm done trying to explain. No one understands.

Ziva:
I do.

Lee:
...You would do what I did?

Ziva:
[Reffering to her ear piece] That too tight?

Lee:
It's fine. Thank you... I'm never going to see my daughter again, am I?

Ziva:
Probabaly not.

Ziva:
Red apples. That's good Amanda.

Tony:
Breakfast is served, my lady a chocolate chip cookie [Amanda saying Thank you] and some hot cocoa.

Ziva:
Your aunt will be here soon to pick you up.

Amanda:
Thank you for helping me with my drawing, Ziva.

Gibbs:
You are one brave little girl Amanda.

Amanda:
Where's Mi - Shi? [walking over to window] What happened to your hand?

Gibbs:
[Gibbs hands Agent Lee's badge to Amanda] Mi-Shi would want you to have that.

[Tony has taken his picture on his computer]

McGee:
I'm not even going to ask.

Ziva:
Allow me. [To Tony] What are you doing, Tony?

Tony:
Best deep in thought face.

Ziva:
I guess there's a first time for everything.

Tony:
[As the computer displays his picture] Nailed it. All right, Strawdog24. Beat this one. [Puts it on the webpage] Yeah, baby.

McGee:
[Reading the website name] Ibeatyou.com. The place to compete online with anyone at anything.

Tony:
Yeah. It's very fun. Very addictive. Look at this guy. Best air guitar. Look at that guy. Best "do the Hustle." [McGee walks back to his desk] I mean, you name it, they got it.

Ziva:
The Hustle?

Tony:
The Hustle. Saturday Night Fever? Travolta. [Mimics dancing in his chair]

Ziva:
[Laughs sarcastically] What is the point?

Tony:
What is the point of any dance? It's about letting loose. It's, you know, having a good time.

Ziva:
I meant the web site, Tony.

Tony:
It's... fun. It is... amusement. Light-hearted pleasure.

Ziva:
I know what you're doing. I know how to have fun, Tony.

Tony:
Really? Do tell.

Ziva:
The Hustling and the deep thinking photos. Those are all just, you know. Child's play. Tell him, McGee. [Tony looks over in McGee's direction, as does Ziva. Both look at him oddly] McGee?

[Cut to McGee making a contorted face]

McGee:
[on the same web site] Uh, I'm just working on my best psycho face here.

Tony:
It's not bad, Probie. Just need to work a little bit more with the eyebrow. See what I'm saying? [Holds his hand in front of McGee as he continues making the contorted look] See how that reads? See that?

McGee:
[With contorted face] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Tony:
That's what you want.

Gibbs:
Would you two like some time alone together?

Man on Ship:
You the Navy Cops?

Tony:
Yeah, my seahorse is double-parked outside. You ought to see the lights.

Ziva:
I remember my first fight. I was eight. Shemer Rubenstein.

Tony:
Sounds like a real stud.

Ziva:
One punch and it was over.

Tony:
What did Shemer Rubenstein do to deserve the wrath of Ziva?

Ziva:
He said he liked me.

Tony:
Look, everybody enjoys a good book, but don't you ever have the urge to just act a little...

Ziva:
Childish?

Tony:
Silly. Stupid. Brainless.

Ziva:
Like you?

Tony:
Exactly.

Ziva:
Tony, you and I come from two totally different places. In my world, you grow up. Fast. You have no choice.

Tony:
Now you do.

Ducky:
Something wrong, Jethro?

Gibbs:
Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who's supposed to have been dead seventeen years. [hands Ducky a file] His death certificate.

Ducky:
Oh, dear. [chuckles] Someone's in trouble. [looks at the certificate] I signed it?!

Abby:
I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?

Gibbs:
An attitude adjustment.

Abby:
Gibbs, you're not helping.

Abby:
I like everything about Christmas. Except for that Chipmunk song. And shopping... I never know what to get anyone. Especially Gibbs! What do you get for the guy who has nothing and wants... nothing.

Ducky:
Some squeaky shoes.

Abby:
[startles, looking behind her] Hi, Gibbs!

McGee:
(on the phone with his mechanic) ...So, how much?

Tony:
One octave or two?

Ziva:
Two.

McGee:
[high-pitched] $600?!

Ziva:
Her name is Hannah, and she's asked me out to lunch, twice.

Tony:
You? [blinks and considers]

Ziva:
Did your rocketship just take a nosedive?

Tony:
No. It just landed on a different planet.

Ziva:
There is no doubt in my mind you will get that confession, McGee.

McGee:
[looks from her to Tony and smiles] Thank you, Ziva. [leaves]

Tony:
He's toast, isn't he?

Ziva:
Oh, yes. Burnt toast.

Abby:
They haven't hurt McGee, have they?

Ziva:
We have not heard anything.

Tony:
[holds evidence box] Got something for ya from Trimble's apartment, Abby. We need to figure all this stuff out before sunset.

Abby:
Define 'before sunset'!

Tony:
Before the sun goes down.

Abby:
[looks frustrated and sighs, grabbing the box and heads to table]

Abby:
The sun sets at around 5:02. So, does that mean we have until five oh one?

Ziva:
Before sunset.

Abby:
That could be now. Not good enough! I can't take this. Every time you guys go out, and I never know if you're gonna make it back, [Tony and Ziva exchange a look as she mutters] and it's killing me. I can't sleep at night and I'm developing this sort of weird twitch.

Ziva:
Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.

Abby:
Then get a safer job.

Tony:
Then you wouldn't see us at all.

Abby:
[frowns] True. Still...sucks!

Ziva:
I checked Trimble's phone records, Gibbs. One person called him over 150 times last month. It was another prison guard by the name of Brenda Carter.

Tony:
Five calls a day. I give her an eight on the DiNozzo psycho chick meter. Ten being Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Look at those eyes; crazy eyes!

McGee:
[on the phone with his mechanic] You told me my car would be ready by the end of today...

Tony:
One octave or two?

McGee:
Listen up, because this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna take the first estimate and you're gonna reduce it by 10 percent. Then you're going to find my part, install my part and have my car parked upfront and ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.

Tony:
Wow. Who'd guess McGee would grow a pair in a women's prison?

McGee:
I put away killers for a living, that's what I do. Now you do exactly as I told you and we won't have any problems, understood? Good, clock's ticking.

Abby:
Wow, McGee, your time in the big house really changed you. I like it!

McGee:
[seeing a large package on his desk] Oh, goody, they're here!

Tony:
Goody? Who says goody?!

Ziva:
What is it?

McGee:
[opens box, pulling out an old computer] This is my Mac SE. Got it for my eleventh birthday. [lovingly] She's my first!

Tony:
This is going to get really strange, isn't it?

Ziva:
Going to?

Palmer:
You're very calm.

Abby:
I am. If I keep going to Crazytown every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to have my mail forwarded.

Gibbs:
The last thing she said was "You killed my brother". Any idea why she would've said that?

Ducky:
Probably because I killed her brother.

[Tony and Ziva yelling into their desk telephones]

Tony:
I already rebooted the system, Frank! Twice!

Ziva:
Four hours! Four hours! That is how long I waited for your cable repairman! Four hours!

Tony You already said that! No! I will not reboot again! I will never reboot it again!

Ziva:
Reschedule?! So you can waste another Saturday?!

Tony:
Just tell me you have no idea how to fix the problem, then we can both get on with our lives!

[Tony and Ziva slam their phones down in disgust at the same time]

Ziva:
Someone will die today.

[McGee cheerful walks in]

McGee:
Morning, team!

[Ziva looks at him strangely, Tony glares at him]

Ziva:
Morning

Tony:
Team

Ziva:
You are in a particularly good mood today, McGee?

Tony:
[sarcastically] Yeah, and I don't like it. Where's Gibbs?

McGee:
[smiles at Tony] I had a good week.

Tony:
I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.

Ziva:
You have to tell him the truth.

Tony:
Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

McGee:
We're trying to make a connection between Jennings and his killer.

Ziva:
Brandon Sykes. But we hit a dead end.

Tony:
No pun intended?

Ziva:
Actually, it was.

Tony:
Well, in that case, nicely done.

Tony:
It's like I said, it's always the maid.

Ziva:
No. You have said it is always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to work in Abby's lab, but you have never once said maid.

Tony:
Anyone ever tell you that your memory can be a real buzz kill?

[...]

Tony:
Who do you think she's working for? Chinese? Russians?

Ziva:
Cubans. After all, she is Cuban.

Tony:
That's way too obvious. Haven't I taught you anything?

Tony:
Melinda. [looks into his little black book, then prevents Ziva from taking it]

Ziva:
How many Melinda's do you have in that thing?

Tony:
It could be the girl I talk to at the gym.

Ziva:
You don't go to the gym.

Tony:
Well maybe it was the girl I talked to at the dog park.

McGee:
You don't have a dog.

Tony:
Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.

Ziva:
You need a secretary.

McGee:
Or a therapist.

Gibbs:
Or both.

Ziva:
Why shoot your hostage from down here?

Tony:
Maybe they were sending a message. The kind that McGee takes: cyptic, hard to decipher. [glares at McGee]

Ziva:
Pecados Capitales

Tony:
"Capital Fish".

Ziva:
"Deadly sins", you idiot. Fish is pescado.

Tony:
Don't scoff at me. Lots of gangs are named after deadly fish. There's the Sharks. There's the Barracudas, Rumble Fish...

[Tony and Ziva are updating Gibbs on the case]

Ziva:
There is a smurf war...

Tony:
Turf war!

[Gibbs and Mike Franks are in Abby's lab]

Abby:
This is so cool. Someone writes your service number on a roof and then you just show up! It's like it's sending out the bat signal and having Batman just show up. [looks at Franks] And his mentor Ra's al Ghul. [Franks looks at her blankly, Gibbs smiles at Franks] Or like Princess Leia sending a hologram, Help me Obi-Wan. And then getting Obi-Wan with his mentor Qui-Gon Jinn. [Franks smiles at her blankly] You know it's weird, 'cause Liam Neeson played both their mentors.

Abby:
C'mon McGee! Type something about the something into something!

Ziva:
Beretta's, 9mm?

Staff Sgt. Medina:
Feel free.

Ziva:
Do you mind?

Medina:
Not at all, ma'am. Do your best.

Tony:
[sighs] Oh, God.

Medina:
Stand by at station two for live fire.

Ziva:
[fires once and clears the round] I prefer the SIG.

Medina:
A lot of women have trouble with the Beretta. Think it has too much of a kick.

Ziva:
Your sight is a few millimeters off.

Medina:
Really?

Tony:
[shows Medina the target with a bullet hole in the head] Really.

Tony:
Popeye Carmano? NCIS. Are we all listening to the same song? Let me guess. Ricky Martin fans, Livin' La Vida Loca.

Carmano:
You gotta leave, man.

Tony:
But we just got here!

Carmano:
Yeah, but it's a very dangerous neighborhood.

Tony:
That's why I brought her.

Carmano:
La bonita es un Federale. [English: The beauty is a federal agent.]

Rico:
Federales es un buena.

Tony:
La bonita will kick your ass.

Ziva:
Sit down.

Carmano:
I ain't sittin' down.

Ziva:
Sientate! Or do you want la bonita to sit your ass down?

Carmano:
I thought you forgot about me, that's all.

Tony:
You in a hurry to get somewhere Popeye? 'Cause you sure ain't going home to Olive Oyl and Swee'Pea anytime soon.

[Franks is pacing around the squad room]

Franks:
Got two Marines chained to the roof, don't know why. Got somebody behind it pulling strings, don't know who.

Tony:
Can we wind the clock back to the part where we find out what Gibbs is doing in Colombia?

Ziva:
Or how it is connected to the gang.

Franks:
[ignores them] Got a punk who didn't kill anybody who says he did and a kid who wrote Probie's service number in blood saying he didn't.

Gibbs:
[walks in] You done?

Franks:
Done watching you shave with a butter knife. Let me talk to that kid. I'll get him to tell us what the hell is going on here.

Gibbs:
Can't do that Mike. I let him go.

Franks:
You what?

Gibbs:
You wanna find something, you follow it. Learned that one from you.

McGee:
Who would want to impersonate Tony?

Ziva:
Perhaps Jack Nicholson? You know, impersonation revenge?

Tony:
Hey, talk to me, Abs! Here you go. [Hands her a Caf-Pow!]

Abby:
Thank you, Gibbs.

Tony:
Abby?

Abby:
I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.

Tony:
Abby?

Abby:
The room was, luckily, really clean, because, you know, hotel rooms, they can be a forensic scientists' biggest nightmare, Gibbs.

Tony:
Abby! I'm not Gibbs!

Abby:
Yes, you are, because if you're not, there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita spraining her ankle after the sixth frame, and Mr. Giggles escaping --

Tony:
Mr. Giggles?!

Abby:
Stay on topic, Gibbs.

Tony:
Not Gibbs!

Abby:
Okay. Tell me. I can take it.

Tony:
Well, he's just upstairs --

Abby:
Wait! I can't.

Tony:
Rule 38. [Indicating that if it's your case, you're the boss]

Abby:
Oh! [smiles brightly]

McGee:
So Tony is in charge again.

Ziva:
Yes.

McGee:
How do you feel about it?

Ziva:
Tony is a competent, capable investigator and a good leader. You do not agree?

McGee:
Yeah, I agree, it's just that he's kind of irritating when he's not the boss. When he is, he walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's like -- he's behind me, isn't he?

Tony:
Smirking.

Gibbs:
He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo but the killer didn't know that. If I'm him I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a federal agent. Hmmm. Maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead. There's our motive, we just need our killer.

Tony:
May've just found him. Abby just matched a print from Renny's hotel room to one of his former coworkers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear Up. [Ziva and McGee stare at Gibbs blankly]

Gibbs:
What?

McGee:
We've just never heard you say that much at one time.

Ziva:
Or in a week.

Gibbs:
Wasn't my job before. Come on.

Tony:
The Burning Bed, 1984, Farrah Fawcett

Gibbs:
Torched her husband while he was sleeping. [Tony stares at him] Second wife's favorite movie.

Tony:
Maybe Commander Davis' wife is going for a sequel.

McGee:
Hell hath no fury...

Gibbs:
...like a woman's scorn. Third wife's favorite quote.

[Tony and McGee are looking a photos of the suspect with another woman taken by a private investigator hired by his wife]

[...]

Tony:
The husband, how kind of him. What do they say?....

Gibbs:
Misery loves company.

Tony:
Where'd you get that? Your fourth wife?

Tony:
If we asked for a life vest he's throwing an anchor

Gibbs:
How did it go?

Tony:
I guess I missed him.

Gibbs:
Yeah? Well, I figured.

Tony:
Boat, Bourbon, basement. I get it.

Tony:
A law firm in London wants me to call them. Says it's important.

Ziva:
What could they want?

Tony:
I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral I went to last month?

Ziva:
Your uncle really died? I thought you were making that up to get some time off.

Sheriff Boyd:
You know, you might want to let go of that horn, junior. Riding a horse is like making love, you got to relax and enjoy it.

Tony:
Sheriff, I have a strong feeling that you and I enjoy both of those activities in really different ways. No disrespect.

Tony:
[after riding a horse all day] Ohhh, can you get nerve damage in your buttocks?

Gibbs:
You're gonna feel worse in the morning.

Gibbs:
Any word on Dina Risi?

Sheriff Boyd:
No. We tried all our sources. No one seems to know where she went.

Gibbs:
You know her?

Sheriff Boyd:
Well, I met her. She was chained to a tree, I was the one with the bolt cutters and handcuffs.

Ziva:
You're counting your eggs before they're laid.

Tony:
Operative word is 'laid'.

[Tony has trouble controlling his horse; it's turning in circles]

Tony:
Uh oh, sheriff, I think he lost a contact.

[Tony and Tara inside the elevator]

Tony:
For some reason you can see right through my disguise.

Tara:
How bad's the dry spell?

Tony:
Saharan.

Tara:
Never been a problem before?

Tony:
You kidding me? Not since Lisa Mullen taught me to play doctor in the second grade.

Tara:
What's changed?

Tony:
Real doctor, real love, real bad breakup.

Tara:
Messed you up pretty bad, huh?

Tony:
Kicked off a slump with women that's unprecedented in my adult life. I've tried everything. I mean, I'm dating constantly, but I can't seem to get it right. I'm not closing the deal, you know? Like there's a saboteur in my head. I'm making every rookie mistake. I'm talking about myself too much at dinner. I mean, I'm talking about my ex, I'm talking about my feelings, I...I scare 'em off.

Tara:
Crying.

Tony:
Ha! DiNozzo men don't cry.

Tony:
Let's skip to the last step.

Tara:
That's easy. Pick the right woman. [At that very moment Tara flips the switch to open the elevator doors and to reveal Ziva behind them]

Tara:
Thank you, Anthony, you're very sweet- my patron saint.

Tony:
Actually, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of hook... [stops himself from saying hookers] Saint Anthony is who you turn to when you've lost something.

Tara:
So, who does Anthony turn to when he's lost something?

Tony:
How do you know I've lost something?

Tara:
[laughing] I may not know my saints, but I definitely know my sinners.

Gibbs:
Abs, what do you got?

Abby:
I am not at liberty to discuss the details of Director Vance's case with you. And I would certainly hope that you wouldn't try to bribe me.

Gibbs:
I wouldn't do that. [he sets a Caf-pow next to her]

Abby:
Because I can't say a word about the five slugs that Ducky pulled out of Owens' body. Not that there's a word to say, 'cause I don't even know if these .45 cal S&Ws are a match to the weapon that was found in the deceased's pocket. Not that I would tell you if they are. I'm assuming that your curiosity is for educational purposes. After Ducky does the autopsy we should be able to calculate how long that accumulated post mortem gasses took to counteract the weight that kept Owens submerged.

Abby:
Great, now I have to build a freaking coffin!

Vance:
Whaddaya say David? Wanna go a few rounds?

Ziva:
I think that would violate my primary assignment.

Vance:
Only if you manage to lay a glove on me.

Issac:
Excuse me, darling, but this gym ain't co-ed.

Ziva:
Another time.

Vance:
Just say when.

Tony:
[standing up on desk, yelling] Excuse me. K listen up everybody, I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight, Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? [says to hot girl] Oh hi Natalie, hi. You look very nice today. [resumes yelling] I have lost my wallet. So, if you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even a small reward.

[everyone looks annoyed as they turn back to work, Tony sees Gibbs standing next to the desk he is on]

Tony:
Hi boss, I lost my... [jumps down from desk] You're going to say mind or marbles...

Gibbs:
Job.

Ziva:
You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.

Tony:
You're never making me breakfast!

Ziva:
That is the truth!

Tony:
It's supposed to be "eggs".

Ziva:
Cook them yourself!

Tara:
Teek? Is that you?

Vance:
You have a decision to make Tara. Do we walk out of here, or do I carry you?

Abby:
[imitating Gibbs] Gear up!

Tony:
You're not Gibbs.

Abby:
[imitating Gibbs] There's a gun found at a Navy base housing.

McGee:
Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call-out. A: There are thousands of guns on a Navy base..

Tony:
..and B: You're not Gibbs.

Abby:
Ok, what if I told you that the base MP's gave me the gun to test.

McGee:
Doesn't warrant a team call-out. [Ziva and Tony shake their heads in unison]

Abby:
And the gun was found under a kid's bed. And, it was loaded.

Ziva:
Still does not warrant a call-out.

Abby:
And it was recently fired.

Tony, Ziva and McGee:
It's not a call-out!

Gibbs:
[walking into the office] You heard the lady. Gear up!

Abby:
They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip. [hands coffee to Gibbs] Only you can drink this swill.

Ziva:
This reminds me of the forests I used to have fun in as a child.

Tony:
I find that hard to believe.

Ziva:
What, that Israel had forests?

Tony:
No, that you had fun as a child.

Ziva:
[laughs] Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, take us to the middle of the forest, and then we had to find our way out by ourselves.

Tony:
I stand corrected.

Tony:
McGee, do you have any idea what world of pain these kids will be in when their dads get home? You ever see The Great Santini?

McGee:
Don't need to see it - I lived it.

Abby:
Okay, the victim, Leonard Caswell, postal worker. He was shot at point blank range by Robert Perry. It's kind of funny; a non-postal worker going postal on a postal worker. Not funny like, ha-ha funny, but funny like comically absurdly amusing funny. Like irony, comedy is very subjective.

Gibbs:
How was the pawn shop?

Ziva:
I hit a stone wall.

Tony:
It's a brick wall.

Ziva:
No, it was a stone wall. I backed up too quickly.

Gibbs:
Abs, music?

Abby:
I know. I can barely stand it. I can't focus, it's effecting my cognitive function, I'm getting agitated. It's not for me. It's for them. [indicating maggots in a jar] I'm playing classical music for babies. It's supposed to increase their spatiotemporal reasoning and increase intelligence. [sighs] If I keep listening to this, I'm gonna turn into a psycho killer.

McGee:
I can find an H-waffle double zigzag waffle, I can find a double zigzag H-waffle double zigzag, but not a zigzag double H-waffle zigzag.

Tony:
I see a fish riding a unicorn.

Perry:
Any word on my immunity?

Tony:
Well, I hear zinc lozenges help, but you might want to try some vitamin C or echinacea. Oh, you mean your immunity? No.

Kort:
Secret lovers could no longer live in a lie.

Ziva:
[on the phone outside the safehouse] Tony, we have been compromised.

Tony:
What are you talking about, Ziva? Is this a drill??

Perry:
Did she get my medicine?!

Ziva:
I'm going around the back.

Tony:
Come here. Let's go. What are you doing?! Let's go! [sees Ziva walk in the door] Should we go?

Ziva:
We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.

Perry:
What is she going to do?

Tony:
You know, I don't really know. Bathroom, now.

Ziva:
[calls Gibbs on speakerphone and places phone on the table, then draws two pistols]

Gibbs:
Yeah? Gibbs.

Ziva:
We have a situation at the safehouse.

Gibbs:
Well, yeah, Ziva. What is it?

Ziva:
Just a second. [both men break in a door each, only to be shot dead]

Gibbs:
Ziva? Ziva! Ziva, talk to me!

Ziva:
Under control. [hangs up]

Gibbs:
[smiles and hangs up]

Tony:
[in a newscaster voice] In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS agent was discovered in his basement, crushed between a large homemade boat, and an even larger bottle of bourbon!

McGee:
Abby, no one was hurt. Tony and Ziva are fine.

Abby:
They're not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean, how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.

McGee:
Any luck?

Abby:
No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.

McGee:
You ran your own home phone records?

Abby:
Yeah. Gibbs orders.

Tony:
In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall! [slaps his hands on the NCIS Most Wanted wall]

Ziva:
We ran his prints. The coma man is indeed Jonathan Siravo.

Tony:
Yes. The master of pirates can't change his diapers, but running an international crime syndicate?! That he can do in his sleep! [glares] You lied to me, wall!

Abby:
Oh, I remember those days. When I was carefree and full of joy. I envy you, Tony.

Tony:
Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?

McGee:
Is everything okay?

Abby:
No. Frank is sick.

Ziva:
Who is Frank?

Abby:
My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally going to the dentist.

Tony:
You name your teeth?

Abby:
You don't?

Ziva:
This is nice. Being able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It is almost as if he cannot go on for more than thirty seconds without hearing his own voice. You know, the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize just how irritating he is to those around him.

Gibbs:
Ziva!

Ziva:
Yes, Gibbs?

Gibbs:
Babbling.

Abby:
Heller made the bullet and I made the gun.

Tony:
Huh. Assassination made easy, but I mean really, a gun would be easier.

Gibbs:
He didn't build it to kill someone.

Tony:
He built it to sell it.

Abby:
[sarcastically] Perfect. Hi, I'm Abby Sciuto: International bio-weapons dealer.

Abby:
[to Gibbs] I can hear you staring.

Abby:
Did I miss it?

Ziva:
No, he's letting him sit.

Abby:
Sit?! He gets a chair? He -- he kills bunnies!!

[As they walk into the squad room]

McGee:
Tony, I am not arguing with you.

Tony:
You're arguing now.

McGee:
No I am not.

Tony:
Are too.

McGee:
This is not an argument.

Tony:
Yes it is.

McGee:
(exasperated) No, it's not.

Tony:
Yes. It is. (phone rings) Hang on...

[Tony proceeds to answer Ziva's phone for her, teasing her as she walks up about the man on the other end before she snatches it]

Tony:
(wanders to McGee's desk) What were we arguing about before?

McGee:
(gives him a look) We were not arguing.

Tony:
Oh, right. Yes we were.

McGee:
Do you understand that that's what we were arguing about? The fact that you will argue about the least little thing. Sometimes you will argue about nothing at all... you just want to argue.

Tony:
That's not arguing, McContrary. C'mon. Have a little insight. That's bantering.

McGee:
No, it's not. 'Banter' is light-hearted, witty repartee.

Tony:
(grins) Go onnn...

McGee:
(looks annoyed for a moment, then gives up and smirks) It's your turn to get the coffee. Go.

Tony:
Long distance can be hard. Telefriend from Tel Aviv?

Ziva:
You're jealous.

Tony:
I'm not jealous.

Ziva:
Yes, you are.

Tony:
No, I'm not. I'm not arguing, boss.

McGee:
Argue!

Tony:
Am not!

Tony:
He got a name?

Ziva:
Who?

Tony:
The star of David.

Ziva:
Oh, him. Yes, he has a name.

Tony:
Trevor? Bruce? Marmaduke?

Ziva:
Michael.

Tony:
Hm. He sounded more like a Bruce than a Michael on the phone.

Gibbs:
Okay, grab your toothbrush.

McGee:
Road trip?

Gibbs:
Los Angeles.

Tony:
Cali-for-ni-ay. What time do we leave?

Gibbs:
Not we. [Points to McGee]

Tony:
McGee? Not me? McGoo? You?!

Abby:
Are you going somewhere?

Gibbs:
Yeah. That's what I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.

Abby:
Into the lionesses den?!

Gibbs:
[Kisses her cheek] I'm taking McGee.

Abby:
Gibbs. It's just last time you guys went to L.A. one of you didn't come back.

Gibbs:
I'll bring him home, Abs. [Walks away]

Abby:
Just make sure you bring yourself back, too.

Tony:
Get any more hits on our secret thing?

Abby:
Do you know how busy I've been?

Tony:
I know how busy you've been.

Abby:
Okay, just asking. We got one hit, but it is a doozy. Guy on the right, Michael Rivkin, our supposed Israeli banker. Guy on the left, director of Mossad, Eli David. Also known as --

Tony:
Ziva's father.

Abby:
She must know Rivkin.

Tony:
You don't ask her. You don't breathe a word of this, Abby. [Deletes file]

Abby:
Tony.

Tony:
I mean it.

Tony:
[Speaking of Abby] Ignore her, probie, she's suffering Gibbs withdrawal. Transferring it onto you because of a deep seated fear that Gibbs may withhold love and give her a first time head slap if he came back and saw his desk festooned in balloons and decorated like some tacky Tiki bar with messages of affection written possibly in blood. She ain't missin' you at all!

Tony:
Are we fighting?

Ziva:
If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.

Tony:
Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.

Tony:
I have a problem with your boyfriend killing our two prime suspects.

Ziva:
Really? In my country that would be cause for celebration!

Tony:
Well, you aren't in your country and neither is he!

Tony:
Here come the clowns.

McGee:
The FBI does have jurisdiction in the death of a federal agent.

Tony:
Yeah, well I like our chances with Gibbs in there waving a chair around like Gunther Gable Williams. Lion tamer. He's my second favorite hero after Steve McQueen.

McGee:
Sure, because riding a motorcycle looks cool and all, but --

Tony:
But nobody messes with a man riding an elephant.

Ziva:
He did not get out this way.

Foster-Yates:
Unless could cross a lawn without bending a blade of grass.

Ziva:
Not impossible with the proper training.

Tony:
She can also do that trick where you put your ear to a rail and you can hear a train coming.

Foster-Yates:
You get the same training?

Tony:
Me? No. But I can eat a bucket of chicken in one sitting, and I have x-ray vision.

Foster-Yates:
So you and Ziva don't always agree on everything?

Tony:
No, not everything. Healthy debates breeds, uh, creative solutions. Isn't that right, Ziva? [looks around them, puzzled] Where'd she go?

Ziva:
[from investigating up in a tree, gestures how intruders got past] A few branches are missing up here. They go in, he goes up, then out [points] that gate. [her cell phone rings, she smiles down at them] Oh, it's McGee.

McGee:
Hey. Gibbs wants you guys to come back.

Ziva:
I'm up a tree.

McGee:
Well, this might only confuse you further.

Ziva:
Well, who said I was confused?

McGee:
You said you were up a tree.

Ziva:
I am!

Tony:
Why is he calling you and not me? I'm the senior field agent.

Ziva:
I don't know why he's not calling you, Tony. [McGee, on phone, says 'I did call.'] He's not making any sense.

McGee:
And you're the one not making sense.

Ziva:
He said he called you.

Tony:
[looks at his cell] I'm not getting any signal. How come you're getting a signal and I'm not?

Ziva:
Because I'm up a tree.

McGee:
Oh.

Tony:
Ohhh. We often solve cases like this.

Ziva:
Goodnight.

Tony:
Night. [watches Ziva leave]

Gibbs:
Rule number eleven, DiNozzo.

Tony:
I would never date a co-worker, boss. Trust me. I mean, why would you even -- [Gibbs smiles slightly] -- that's twelve. Eleven: when the job is done, walk away.

[...]

Gibbs:
So, what's on your mind?

Tony:
Rivkin's been in town.

Gibbs:
I know.

Tony:
With Ziva?

Gibbs:
The guy doesn't listen.

Tony:
Does that bother you on a professional level or a personal one?

Gibbs:
I'll tell you what. I'm having a little trouble untangling the two.

Tony:
So you are bothered.

Gibbs:
Oh yeah.

Gibbs:
[about Tony] I am going to see him again, right, Leon?

Ziva:
He will not be harmed. Only two people have the authority to do that.

Vance:
Your father's one. The other?

Ziva:
Me.

Tony:
I had no choice.

Ziva:
That's a lie.

Tony:
Why would I lie to you, Ziva?

Ziva:
To save your worthless ass.

Tony:
From who, Vance? Mossad?

Ziva:
You jeopardized your entire career and for what?

Tony:
For you. He was playing you Ziva.

Ziva:
And for some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?

Tony:
I did what I had to do.

Ziva:
You killed him!

Tony:
If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's the way you'd prefer it?

Ziva:
Perhaps I would.

Tony:
Okay, why don't you just get this out -- you want to take a punch, take a swing. Get it out of your system! Go ahead, do it!!

Ziva:
Be careful Tony, because much like Michael, I only need one.

Tony:
And that's what you're really angry about isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead, it's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.

Ziva:
You took advantage of him.

Tony:
He attacked me, what was I supposed to do? [Ziva knocks Tony down]

Ziva:
You saw a glass table, you pushed him back. You dropped him on it. He was impaled in the side by a shard of glass. Bloody. Gasping for air.

Tony:
I see you read my report.

Ziva:
I memorized it! You could have left it at that. You could have walked away, but no, you let him up. You put a bullet in his chest.

Tony:
You weren't there.

Ziva:
You could have put one in his leg.

Tony:
You-weren't-there.

Ziva:
But I should have been.

Tony:
You loved him?

Ziva:
I guess I'll never know. [walks away leaving Tony on the ground]

Eli:
My daughter speaks very highly of you.

Gibbs:
She's a good agent.

Eli:
Liaison Officer

Gibbs:
She's one of us.

Eli:
So she tells me.

Gibbs:
(referring to Tony who's in interrogation) So's the guy in there.

Eli:
Agent DiNozzo, my sincere apologies for your wait.

Tony:
it's okay. I dig hanging out in concrete bunkers, especially after tweleve-hour plane rides in cramped quarters.

Eli:
Your sarcasim is noted.

Tony:
So's your shirt. Nice style. What is that? Zegna? Cavalli? Got good taste.

Eli:
I' m not ceratain how my apparel applies to your visit.

Tony:
And I'm not certain how you can classify my visit (pause) as a visit. All right, just so we understand, this is what I do for a living. I interrogate people all day long, so I know all the tricks of the trade and nothing you do is going to intimidate me.

Eli:
Interrogate? This is an assembly room. It's a place for mutual discussion. You have yet to see our interrogation room. But if you continue with your childish arrogance, I promise you will.

Vance:
How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart ass attitude back in DC!

Gibbs:
You shoulda checked his bags.

Vance:
I thought you said your boy was up to this.

Gibbs:
You're the one who threw him to the wolves, Leon. Let him find his own way.

Vance:
You call this a fight, he better start showing me something.

Gibbs:
Take him off the team, he already has.

Eli:
Oh, Agent DiNozzo, what you need to understand is that I am very aware of of who you are. Your achievements.. and your misjudgments.

Tony:
Okay, stop right there. If this is about my Twitter page, I just clarify I had a couple of cocktails and, what can I say? Sometimes I get a little chatty.

Eli:
Do you know who I am?

Tony:
You're the Director of Mossade ... and Ziva's father. Although, I'm not sure which one's asking the questions.

Eli:
' Sometimes it's hard to separate. And it appears you have had difficulty separating your work from your emotions as well. You believed Officer Rivkin was bad?

Tony:
He killed an American agent.

Eli:
An accident. Unlike his death, which was intentional. But what was behind that intent? Retribution for an agent you had never even met? You knew that Officer Rivkin would be at Ziva's apartment.You went there to confront him.

Eli David:
With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.

Ziva:
I drove.

Eli David:
Enough said.

Eli David:
When did you start wearing so much makeup?

Ziva:
Nice to see you, too.

Saleem Ulman:
[to a hostage Ziva] Tell me everything you know about NCIS.

Gibbs:
[About the victim] Sleeping?

Ducky:
Well there are other reasons why men take their clothes off to go to bed, Jethro.

Gibbs:
Any evidence of that?

Palmer:
Well he did come to a sticky end. [Awkward silence.] I'll go get the gurney.

McGee:
[answers phone] Agent Gibbs's desk.

Tony:
McGee?

McGee:
Tony? Back on dry land?

Tony:
Yeah, it's a tropical paradise, really, just like The Blue Lagoon, except no white sand beaches, magical waterfalls, and definitely no Brooke Shields.

[Ducky arrives at the crime scene in a tuxedo.]

Ducky:
Haven't you ever heard of a night at the opera?

Tony:
Sure, the Marx Brothers at their most hilarious. Groucho as Otis B. Driftwood. I love the part where they rip up the contract.

Ducky:
[imitating Groucho Marx] "That's no good-a for you, it's no good-a for me!"

McGee:
So when was the last time you went home?

Gibbs:
I make it a point to go home every night.

[Gibbs, McGee and Ziva arrive in Stillwater.]

Sheriff Gantry:
You know, if you had a little tennis ball buzzcut, instead of all that salt and pepper, you'd remind me of this skinny little wiseass I used to know.

Gibbs:
[chuckles] How you been, Ed?

Jackson Gibbs:
Everybody's always lying to you, all the time. Can't you ever just take things as you see 'em?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I see people lying to me!

Jackson Gibbs:
[sighs] You were such a happy child.

McGee:
Boss, I talked to Tony and Abby...

Jackson Gibbs:
"Boss"? [to Jethro] You make them call you that? [to McGee] He's not a...! [catches himself] Are you a boss, Leroy?

Tony:
[looking at the crime scene] Looks like their evening was ruined.

Ziva:
I am going to ruin McGee's whole year.

Tony:
Don't you think you're being a little uptight about this photo thing?

Ziva:
No, really. What do you think he's doing with it?

Tony:
I would rather shave my eyeballs than contemplate that.

Ducky:
Ah, nice timing, Jethro. I thought you'd like to see what we found in our scans. Or rather what we didn't find.

Palmer:
[gleefully] His brain is missing!

Ducky:
There's no need to get so excited, Mr. Palmer.

Tony:
William Felton Russell, 5-time MVP, greatest basketball champion ever. He used to get so nervous, so pumped, he had to throw up before every game.

Ziva:
You have chosen to model your behavior after a man who vomited on a regular basis?

Tony:
Nine titles in eleven seasons! Hall of Fame. One night, the Celtics take the court. It's a big game, huge. Red's watching them warm up from the sidelines, but something's not right. He can tell, not clicking. He clears the floor, takes them all back down to the locker room. Why? Because Russell didn't throw up. You know what Red says next?

Gibbs:
[entering] "Get in there and puke, we've got a game to win."

McGee:
I've got to ask you this: did you order a dead body?

USN Lt. Deckard:
No, we did not.

Tony:
Way to go McGee. Taking down the Fight Club champ. I'm almost impressed.

McGee:
Well, I would be to, except he fell over and hit his head while he was trying to get away.

[MTAC has been converted into a movie theater.]

Tony:
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you're all going to share in a DiNozzo family tradition: caramel popcorn, hot mulled cider, and the greatest, greatest Christmas movie of all time, It's a Wonderful Life.

[last lines; after Quinn goes into his daughter's home, Gibbs dials his cell phone.]

Jackson Gibbs:
Hello?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Merry Christmas, Dad.

Jackson Gibbs:
Merry Christmas, son.

Abby:
Ducky!

Ducky:
Abby? Oh, how nice of you to visit.

Abby:
Oh, they gave you morphine?

Ducky:
Just a drop.

Gibbs:
Duck, can you tell me anything about the woman who attacked you?

Ducky:
My... my glasses?

[Gibbs puts them on.]

Ducky:
Oh, how nice of you to have held on to them while I went under the knife. Ironic, isn't it, that one knife should be the solution to... Mr. Palmer, would you please finish that thought for me?

Palmer:
Sure, doctor.

Ducky:
And you'll need to send for a replacement medical examiner. Uh, Jordan...

Palmer:
Dr. Hampton?

Ducky:
Yes. On my desk you'll find her number. While I myself lie here, getting much "numb-er." [chuckles] Nurse, more anesthetic, and don't spare the horses...

[Palmer looks at Abby in wonder.]

Abby:
Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd, and he's still playing with words. Impressive.

Abby:
Come on, baby, talk to me.

Ziva:
[enters with a] Fingerprint sheet.

Abby:
Oh, hey. I was just talking to the knife. You want to talk knives?

Ziva:
Always.

Dr. Hampton:
Oh, you prefer Jimmy?

Palmer:
Um, Jim Palmer was a pitcher for the Orioles, I was named after him, but I have never really liked baseball.

Dr. Hampton:
: Noted. Well, please, you may call me Jordan. I was named after a body of water towards which I bear no ill will.

Tony:
Enjoy it while it lasts. Women are trouble. Haven't you learned anything from me?

McGee:
Yeah, not to go on undercover dates with a doctor whose father is the world's biggest arms dealer.

Tony:
...That's low, Probie.

McGee:
Well, we know why Captain Jennings was playing with dolls. He was using the primitive electronics in Beary here to build an old school phreak box.

Gibbs:
In English?

Tony:
Oh, a phreak box. That's a tool that hackers used to use in the 80's to communicate remotely with computer systems.

[Everyone stares at him.]

Tony:
What? Come on, guys! WarGames? Sneakers? Hackers? A very young Angelina Jolie in that...

McGee:
Who would want to impersonate Tony?

Ziva:
Perhaps Jack Nicholson? You know, impersonation revenge?

McGee:
Or its a frame up.

Ziva:
Jean Benoit?

McGee:
Overseas, Maybe it was Trent Kort.

Ziva:
Are you detecting a trend here?

McGee:
Tony does have a way with people.

Abby:
The rest of it is mostly spreadsheets, bank accounts and porn... spreadsheets and porn, that's two totally different things.

Gibbs:
Yeah, I already know that, Abs.

Abby:
Okay, I was just checking.

Trent:
Status on the Borealis?

Tony:
It's a boat, and it's missing. Status on you is you're really irritating and I wish you were missing.

Gibbs:
You would have done things differently?

Vance:
I would. I do. But in the last two minutes, you've gotta let your quarterback call the plays. Nice win.