Night Court, Season 1

Harry:
Ladies and gentlemen of the court... well, how the hell are you tonight?

Dan:
How did you get appointed to the bench?

Harry:
You know Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office and it was a Sunday and my name was at the bottom of the list of a 1,000 candidates. So they start calling folks starting at the top of the list. You see it's Sunday and no one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name. No one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and voila.

Lana:
You mean you were appointed a judge because…

Harry:
I was home.

Harry:
Mr. Prosecutor, Ms. Gardener, I am prepared to listen to the testimony, cross-examine the witnesses, consider the precedents that I'm sure you've both prepared, but I don't think that's gonna be necessary.

Lana:
[shouting] What do you mean it's not necessary?

Harry:
I'm glad you asked. We will now take a short recess. During that time I order the defendant, Mrs. Kerr and her husband, Mr. Kerr and the attorneys involved to go to a nearby restaurant, sit down, have a cup of coffee, relax, try to work out this little thing.

Dan:
Your Honor, this is highly irregular.

Harry:
Thanks. Court's recessed.

...

Lana:
You're crazy. I mean an attempted murder and you send the plaintiff and the defendant out for a cup of coffee. What do murders get? Brunch?

Harry:
Alright my methods are informal. [Lana giggles] Hey give them a chance. They might work. Maybe just maybe, it will work. [Sheila and Dan enter with tattered clothes] Then again, maybe someday pigs will fly.

Lana:
Strange day, huh? I'm sure there must be an explanation for everything.

Harry:
I'm sure there must be.

Lana:
Like what?

Liz:
He overheard some policemen talking perhaps.

Bull:
Yeah or he picked up the phone when we weren't looking, disguised his voice, took down the information, replaced the receiver without us noticing and we were none the wiser.

Dan:
You will already be none the wiser.

Dr. Green:
Judge Harold T. Stone?

Harry:
I'm Judge Stone.

Dr. Green:
Dr. Peter Stone, Windwood Psychiatric Center. The police called me, told me I might find John here.

Harry:
John?

Dr. Green:
John Stevens. The man in the red flannel suit.

Harry:
Oh that John Stevens.

John:
Dr. Green, what a surprise.

Dr. Green:
Hello John. I feel fortunate. We usually don't catch him this soon after Christmas.

Harry:
You don't?

Dr. Green:
No, every year he disappears just before Christmas. Usually manages to elude us till about the first of February.

Bull:
You mean this guy's a fruitcake?

Harry:
Bull.

Bull:
I'm sorry. Alleged fruitcake.

Dan:
So Craven prints it, now what's the worst that can happen?

Harry:
Well I'd be publicly disgraced, making it impossible for me to function effectively as a judge. I'd have to step down.

Dan:
Right, but you've still got your health. I'm sorry. I've never tried to cheer up anybody before.

Harry:
What's next?

Lana:
Next we have a rather unusual case, Your Honor.

Harry:
What's the problem?

Groom:
She's a slut.

Bride:
He's an animal.

Harry:
Off the top of my head, marital problems.

Lana:
Not quite, Your Honor. They never finished the ceremony.

Liz:
Your honor, I know I haven't been here very long and sometimes I, well something I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'd like to pass on some advice that my Uncle Lionel used to give me: Talk with your head but listen with your heart.

Harry:
He sounds like a wise man.

Liz:
Yeah we have no idea why he killed himself.

Harry:
Miss Brandon, do you have anything to say?

Ms. Brandon:
Yes, you're even better looking than I imagined.

Lana:
I'll get those paper bags now.

Ms. Brandon:
When Harry was four his hair was dark like his Uncle Otto. Who would think it would've lightened up so much?

Dan:
Yes, it goes nicely with the robe.

Harry:
You know my Uncle Otto?

Ms. Brandon:
Of course.

Harry:
Then I take it we have met.

Ms. Brandon:
A long time ago.

Harry:
I'm afraid you have the advantage Ms. Brandon I just don't remember you.

Ms. Brandon:
Well how could you? The last time I saw you, you were only five.

Harry:
Ms. Brandon?

Ms. Brandon:
Harry, I'm your mother.

Harry:
Oh, pleased to meet you.

Lana:
[after Bull's outburst] I have never seen Bull act like that.

Dan:
Yes. They can be dangerous when they're wounded. Oh, come on, I'm kidding. But if you can't laugh at other people who can you laugh at?

Harry:
Hi there. I'm Harry Stone, and you are…?

Lana:
Vincent Frago and Iris Keller, second-degree obscenity.

Dan:
Yes, Your Honor, these two were apprehended making a porno flick in Central Park.

Liz:
Hold on, there, Counselor. The report clearly states that both parties were clothed at the time of arrest.

Leonard:
Yes. But before that, they were naked as jaybirds.

Dan:
Oh, did I mention that I have a witness?

Leonard:
Leonard Bloom, Your Honor. I saw the whole thing. Unclothed bodies, writhing around in the grass, contorted dances of lust, screams of sexual delight...

Liz:
Objection, Your Honor.

Harry:
Sustained. But damn well put, sir.

Harry:
Who have we got here?

Dan:
You tell him. [nudges his client]

God:
I am known by many names.

Liz:
Pick one and tell it to the judge.

God:
I've been called the Final Cause, the Supreme Judge, the Infinite Spirit but you can just call me God.

Harry:
[to Lana] You've been saving this one for me, haven't you?

[Lana nods]

God:
I chose to manifest myself in this form because I didn't want me presence to be noticed.

Dan:
Good choice.

Harry:
To what do we owe this visit?

God:
The ways of the Lord surpass thine understanding. Unto mankind, my ways are wondrous strange.

Harry:
I give. How strange?

Dan:
He trashed a diner.

Harry:
Any particular reason?

Dan:
Your Honor, the defendant went into Blumberg's Coffee Shop and there he said unto Blumberg: "Give me an egg salad sandwich for though I have no cash you and all your descendants will be blessed."

God:
It's better when I do it.

Dan:
Blumberg was unimpressed and told him to leave. And then he told Blumberg to be fruitful and multiply. But not in those words.

God:
You know, if it weren't for Eve, there'd be no reason for you to wear any clothes.

Selma:
She did it so we could get some work done.

God:
Tell me, do you worship regularly?

Selma:
Honey, at my age, I don't do anything regularly.

Carla:
[About Harry] What a guy.

Lana:
What were you two talking about?

Carla:
The judge and I were having a personal discussion.

Lana:
How personal?

Carla:
What business is it of yours?

Lana:
You're right. You're right. It is none of my business. But if you want a little friendly advice: Forget it. He's not your type.

Carla:
Oh, but I suppose he's your type.

Lana:
He's a sensitive, intellectual, complex man. Eclectic in nature, multidimensional in personality and, well, frankly, he would need a woman of similar qualities to stimulate him.

Carla:
Honey, I don't know what those words mean but I do know what it takes to please a man.

Lana:
Physical stimulation is not enough.

Carla:
I won't use gadgets.

Lana:
That's-That's not what I meant. You see, dear, most psychologists and experts agree that the way a man and a woman primarily respond to each other is cerebral.

Carla:
What?

Lana:
The brain. Sex takes place between the ears. You need a bond.

Carla:
You need a map.

Dan:
I am depressed.

Liz:
Who wouldn't be? International crises threaten us with the possibility of nuclear holocaust and the increase in violent crime has raised the odds that one of us is gonna be murdered in our sleep tonight.

Selma:
That ought to perk him up.

Lana:
I have never known Dan to be late before. I hope he's all right.

Liz:
Yeah. But it's his own fault. I mean, I always make it a rule: Never get involved with people I work with.

Lana:
You work with rapists, junkies, muggers and flashers.

Liz:
That does make it easier.

Bull:
Personally, I don't see the big attraction about Mel Torme. I like singers that stick to the tune.

Liz:
Like who, for instance?

Bull:
Leontyne Price…Luciano Pavarotti…that bird on Sesame Street's not bad either.

Selma:
Slow down.

Lana:
I feel great. Thanks. Whatever the medication is, it seems to be working. I don't feel so drained anymore. You know, I feel vigorous ... like I could ride my bike around the park.

Selma:
You know, my doctor made me get one of those exercise bicycles.

Lana:
Really? Does it have one of those little machines on it that measures your blood pressure and your pulse rate?

Selma:
Used to, but I took it off.

Lana:
Why?

Selma:
Make room for the ashtray.

Bull:
The guy in the dress wants another strip search.

Harry:
What a sickie.

Bull:
Yeah.

Harry:
I mean, gloves with a cocktail dress?

Harry:
Yakov Korolenko.

Yakov:
Hello, Joe.

Harry:
Might we have a language problem here?

Liz:
We definitely might, Your Honor. My client speaks only a few words of English and we haven't been able to find a Russian interpreter.

Harry:
But we are working on it.

Liz:
Yes, sir.

Art:
I understand you're looking for somebody who speaks Russian.

Harry:
Do you speak Russian?

Art:
No, but I'll give it a shot.

Harry:
[after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.

Lana:
Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.

Dan:
I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.

Liz:
I'm not leaving either.

Dan:
Will you listen to yourselves, people?

Harry:
Liz!

Liz:
This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]

Harry:
The police have cordoned off the whole building. They're not letting anyone else in who doesn't have business with the court.

Liz:
So how many--?

Harry:
Got in? They estimate there's a couple of hundred of them roaming around the building.

Dan:
Thank God they're sealed in here with us, and not out on the streets terrorizing the public.

Harry:
Come in.

Al:
Guess who?

Harry:
Well if it isn't my favorite yellow journalist.

Al:
You're too kind.

Harry:
What is it, Craven?

Al:
What is it? Jennifer Black is it, and you are its current lover.

Harry:
Craven, we met briefly, we had coffee and then I took her right back to her hotel.

Al:
How does she take it?

Harry:
I beg your pardon?

Al:
Her coffee. My public likes to know that kind of stuff.

Harry:
Your public moved their lips when they read.

Al:
Your Honor, come on, huh? I figured you'd give me the inside story because of our close, personal relationship.

Harry:
Craven, our close, personal relationship is that of a tick to a dog.

Al:
Tick, right?

Harry:
Bull, where did that baby come from?

Bull:
You don't know where babies come from, sir?

Harry:
Reynolds, Guy T. 629 Bleecker Street.

Guy:
May I remove my coat, Your Honor?

Harry:
Sure.

Dan and Liz:
No!

Harry:
Miss Williams?

Dan:
Your Honor, the charge.

Harry:
"Indecent exposure." You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?

Guy:
That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert. I'm a nudist.

[courtroom audience applauds]

Harry:
All right, that's enough. Mr. Reynolds, what you do in the privacy of your own home is one thing but what you do at the Chock Full o'Nuts at Fourth and Lexington is quite another.

Guy:
That was the point, Your Honor. To bring the subject out into the open. Discuss it, create a forum.

Dan:
Your Honor, what Mr. Reynolds apparently created was a stampede when he stood atop the coffee counter, disrobed and sang, "Hey, Look Me Over."

Harry:
Great little icebreaker, no doubt. But, Mr. Reynolds quite frankly, I don't wanna know you that well.

Guy:
All I can say is, if you don't go nude, you're missing a wonderful experience. It's-well it's indescribable.

Harry:
Yeah well, I'm gonna describe it as a Class A misdemeanor and I'm gonna fine you $160.

Bernie:
Well, hello again.

Selma:
I gotta gun, Bernie.

Bernie:
You look very sexy in that uniform.

Selma:
Bullets, Bernie. I got those too.

Liz:
Hi Selma, how did it go?

Selma:
How did what go?

Liz:
Oh, come on, Selma. Don't keep us all in suspense. How did the date go with Bernie?

Selma:
Oh, that.

Liz:
Selma, you don't have to give us all the details. What time did you get home?

Selma:
Well, if you must know, very early.

Bull:
You didn't have a good time?

Selma:
I didn't say that.

Harry:
You said you got home early.

Selma:
I got home around midnight. Bernie got home around noon.

Vincent Frago:
At least I'm not some blue-nosed hypocrite who talks real righteous, but gets his mail in plain brown wrappers!

Leonard Bloom:
Listen, you, I don't have to take your kind of filth!

Harry Stone:
[pounding gavel] All right, sit down, Mr. Bloom...

Vincent Frago:
What's the matter, Fish Face? The truth hurt?

Leonard Bloom:
Not as much as my fist!

[Bloom throws a punch at Vincent, but Bull catches his hand in mid-air, causing Bloom to gasp in pain.]

Dan Fielding:
Nice catch.

[Still holding Bloom by the hand, Bull drags him up to the bench.]

Bull Shannon:
You want him removed from the courtroom, Your Honor?

Harry Stone:
I don't that'll be necessary, will it, Mr. Bloom?

Leonard Bloom:
I just want to leave here with the same number of fingers I came in with.

[First lines of the series]

Abby:
Wow, that was a tricky clasp.

Abby:
Okay, so who threw the first punch?

Grant, Brant:
[At the same time]

[each pointing to the other]

Grant, Brant:
He did!

[they face one another, pointing at themselves]

Grant, Brant:
I did?

[then pointing to one another again]

Grant, Brant:
YOU DID!

Dan Fielding:
Afraid to open a box. Huh. Well, this place hasn't changed, right down to the guy fishing dead birds out of the ceiling. Hey, you know what? I wanted to ask you something. Say a lifetime ago, you worked with a guy, right? Had your ups and downs, but on the whole, like each other, respected, even. The job ends. You go your separate ways. Life happens. You live and you love. And you lose, big time, so you close off your heart. Then one day, the child of that almost forgotten guy comes to you and asks for your help. Would you take the chance? Would you... open that heart up again, let feelings in, knowing that undoubtedly, it would hurt again at some point?

Dan Fielding:
And that is why I don't open up to people. But I am not afraid to open a box.

[Dan Fielding opens the box with his hands. Snakes jump out of the box.]

Dan Fielding:
Oh! Harry! Okay. I'll think about it.

Dan Fielding:
Twenty bucks.

Donna Gurgs:
Fifty. Or I'll do it for free if you can tell me my name.

Dan Fielding:
You are... getting fifty bucks.

[Neil pulls the chandelier out of the ceiling with his hands. A swarm of pigeons are flying around the courtroom.]

Donna Gurgs:
We destroyed their home, and now they're coming for ours!

Dan Fielding:
If it makes you feel any better, your dad used to make birds appear in this courtroom all the time! I think I recognize one of them!

Abby:
Hey, everyone, I'm glad you're all here. There's something I wanted to talk to you about. Is it about where you're hiding the treats?

Dan Fielding:
Yes, you know, they have this intricate system of locks and bars to make sure none of us leave.

Dan Fielding:
My late wife, Sarah, was in recovery for a few years even before we met, and she was always adamant about being of service to others. I often thought that she went too far. I was selfish. I wanted her to be with me. But I soon realized that it was as much, if not more, for her than it was for those other folks. And when she couldn't help someone find their way, it weighed on her. Maybe like this has been weighing on you.

Abby:
What was she in recovery for?

Dan Fielding:
Booze.

Abby:
Me, too. How did you...

Dan Fielding:
"Defects of character". Plus, now I remember you once called a surprise party a "birthday intervention".

Abby:
Thanks, Dan.

Dan Fielding:
And you know what? Think about it. You were right. Graziano wasn't a criminal.

Abby:
So if I was right, that means that you...

Dan Fielding:
Don't! Don't finish that. Now, if you don't mind, my time in the clink has made me rather hungry. Too hungry to ask.

Dan Fielding:
He's not coming down, is he?

Abby:
Something came up at work, so he had to cancel. You know, it's actually better, because I am gonna start planning how to decorate the apartment. I'm gonna get the floor plans, and I'm gonna start measuring, so...

Dan Fielding:
You don't have to do that. You don't have to always try and find the positive spin. You're allowed to be mad.

Abby:
I think it's better to put positive energy out there.

Dan Fielding:
You know what? Let's try something for the next few minutes. Just allow yourself to be angry.

Abby:
No, I don't think...

Dan Fielding:
No, just try it.

Abby:
No, it's just not how I...

Dan Fielding:
Just try it.

Abby:
Would you stop interrupting me?! I have enough going on already! Nothing is going how I planned! My apartment makes me smell disgusting! I have to eat chicken breakfast at 4:00 in the afternoon! I can't unsubscribe from any e-mail list, which has nothing to do with the move, but it's very frustrating!

Dan Fielding:
Anything else?

Abby:
And Rand isn't here! I want him to be here to help me with this stuff! And, no, I know it's not totally fair to make him uproot his life just for me to pursue a dream, but, ugh, I want it anyway!

Dan Fielding:
Don't you think it's a huge mistake bringing children to the court? And Earth in general.

Abby:
This is our chance to inspire the next generation of judges and lawyers. Like when my dad came for career day, he did a presentation and mixed in some magic. He brought the house down. Made the book fair look like total trash.

Abby and Donna Gurgs:
Welcome, Justice Buddies!

Dan Fielding:
If there's one thing I know about this generation, it's they love a banner.

Abby:
Mr. Fielding, would you like to meet your Justice Buddy?

Dan Fielding:
I reject the premise that I have a Justice Buddy.

[first lines]

Abby:
Alright, everybody, it's court o'clock, and you made it during Abby Hour. All decisions half-price.

Dan Fielding:
A mini-horse. Nay, a seeing-eye mini-horse. And according to New York vs. Pongo, mini-horses are allowed on public transit.

Abby:
Obviously, I gotta get a look at this guy.

[A horse is in the courtroom.]

Abby:
Upstate, I used to guess horse sizes at the county fair. And that one is a "big".

Dan Fielding:
Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial. I've just learned that the defendant and Ms. Moore have an existing relationship. They share a daily commute, the 5:42 downtown 6 train at Hunter College Station.

Abby:
Slow down. I think we just blew right past the big news here.

Dan Fielding:
Well, you're not helping. You know what? We just plead guilty. How do you put up with her?

Abby:
And it's attempted murder because?

Dan Fielding:
They're vampires.

Abby:
I'm going to be honest. I don't care about garlic or virgins. But I am very excited to hear that the Barenaked Ladies are back together. At the end of the day, you 2 found someone who accepts you for who you are. That's special and worth fighting for. And since this is your first offense, the state is willing to drop the charges if you agree to couples counseling. Before you say "no", remember, you're only one "yes" away from the rest of your life.

Abby:
Oh, Dan, good. I need your opinion on something. I've been listening to my voice, and is this really what I sound like?

Announcer:
(high-pitched voice) 4 score and 7 years ago, our forefathers brought forth on this continent...

Dan Fielding:
No, no. Listen to me. You can't do the interview. As a matter of fact, you have to bar that podcast crew from the courthouse.

Abby:
Why would I do that?

Dan Fielding:
When I was listing my many accomplishments, I may have implicated myself in just a smidge of malfeasance. I started talking about cocaine a lot. Now Remecca's out to take me down.

Abby:
I mean, it's insane. He just lights up when you're around.

Rand:
Hey, I'm really sorry I made you do beast mode. I just should've stayed out of it.

Abby:
You were just trying to help. If Olivia doesn't want to be friends with me that does belly balloons, then I can live with that. Looks like I'm gonna be handing out water with you at the marathon.

Rand:
Hey, Neil signed up, too. He's doing it to impress some girl he has a crush on. She has a boyfriend, but apparently he's, like, super tall and really annoying. But, uh, you know, Olivia will be happy to see us.

Abby:
Wait. She told you she's still running?

Rand:
Oh, whoa, whoa.

Abby:
Then I'm running too.

Rand:
You're in a lot of pain right now, aren't you?

Abby:
Tremendous amount.

Dan Fielding:
In case you were worried, the Finkboners were married by a stripper/priest. It was beautiful.

Abby:
I can't get everything I want.

Dan Fielding:
Because your father isn't here.

Abby:
I think that the real reason I haven't wanted to jump back into wedding planning. He was just so involved in all of it. He was gonna do magic. This thing where my finger would keep falling off right before Rand put a ring on it. It was gonna be epic.

Dan Fielding:
Well, you know, big moments make us really miss those who are gone. It's inevitable. But you have to live your life. And it's time you start a life with "Again, Rand? Rand!". I mean, it's almost like a name, but not quite.

Abby:
Isn't your real name Reinhold?

Dan Fielding:
Uh-huh. Okay. So you know stuff.

Abby:
What is this?

Dan Fielding:
Well, Harry and I, all of us, really, we spent so much time downstairs in that courthouse that we would come up here for breaks, fresh air, and talk down the occasional jumper. I thought it might be a-a way to make you feel like your father was part of your wedding. I mean, plus, you can't beat the beautiful view that way. Don't look that way. Those people need to invest in some curtains.

Abby:
It's perfect. Rand is gonna love it. I mean, he is terrified of heights, but it's time we work on that anyway. I'm not giving up roller coasters for anyone.

Abby:
Okay, my presentation materials are running a little bit late, but I think we should just dive in. My first slide was a word cloud which I will now describe from memory.

Abby:
Dan, what are you doing? I told you I got this.

Dan Fielding:
Yes, I know. No, I'm just helping. Look, these guys are trickier than the cow tippers and Jet-Ski hooligans you dealt with upstate.

Abby:
We have some tough customers back home. Biff Cratchit, Wink Honeycrisp, Colonel Ciderman.

Dan Fielding:
Okay, fine, fine, fine, I don't need a rundown of the corn crime all-stars. I've known this guy for 30 years and you're not going to get any traction with him until you figure out what it is he wants from you.

Dan Fielding:
Alright, what the hell's going on?! I haven't seen you this worked up since they pulled the Shamrock Shake early.

Abby:
It should be all of March. You just have to trust me. Investing in Brock's app is a bad idea. I can't say anything else about it.

Dan Fielding:
Well, luckily you don't have to, because I'm a master at reading people, and you're a master at having absolutely no poker face.

Abby:
I have a poker face. I just haven't showed it to you yet.

Dan Fielding:
Alright, then. Have a seat. Now, I am going to ask you a series of questions. All you need to do is respond "no". Do you understand?

Dan Fielding:
Hey, you know what? It's worth the risk for me. You don't get a whole lot of billion-dollar ideas coming through here, you know.

Abby:
But you're not just risking your own money. You're risking everyone else's. You're being selfish.

Dan Fielding:
Oh, am I? Or maybe I'm being selfless, thinking that Brock may have changed, that he deserves a second chance, and all the other nonsense that you talk about.

Abby:
You don't believe the nonsense I talk about.

Dan Fielding:
No. No, I don't. But I do believe that one day, I could be so rich that I will never die.

Abby:
Oh, by the way, I'm Abby.

Gabby:
I'm Gabby.

Abby and Gabby:
It's so nice to meet you!

Abby:
A judgeship. It's an incredible opportunity.

Dan Fielding:
Yeah, being a judge is kind of a dream I had given up on. Think about it. I've been judging people my entire life for free. Now I'm gonna get a paycheck for it.

Abby:
I can't blame you for following your dream. It would inspire me to follow my dream, but my dream's impossible. I want to be a twin.

Dan Fielding:
Truth is, I was a bit adrift before you came and dragged me out of retirement, forced me to take this job. So, thank you.

Dan Fielding:
Okay, uh, you will not agree with everything I am going to say up there, but just know that I'm doing what is best for my client.

Abby:
I trust you. It's why I brought you back here. You're the best lawyer I know, the best lawyer my dad knew.