Night Court, Season 3

[Dirk, the shy bailiff arrives]

Bull:
What is it, Dirk?

Dirk:
Prisoner's manifest. Oh, I took Grayson down to Women's detention.

Bull:
WOMEN'S detention?

Harry:
Dirk, Grayson's a man.

Dirk:
No. There was a dress.

Bull:
It was a man wearing a dress.

Harry:
Didn't you notice the mustache, and three day's growth?

Dirk:
Well, I thought she was rather...severe looking.

Bull:
Where is he now?

Dirk:
Right below us, room 1706.

Harry:
1706? Isn't that where they do the...

Woman:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Bull:
Strip search.

Mr Slotkin:
Where I come from, we don't have any courts or jails. Or police, or even any laws!

Bull:
Jersey. Been there.

[A French man was held hostage by a group of people on the subway]

Dan:
The Plaintiff asked for change of a dollar, when these five pulled out these weapons and held him at bay until the transit police arrived.

Old Man:
We thought he was crazy! We thought he was insane!

Harry:
What did he do?

Old Man:
He talked to us.

Christine:
Sir, these are not a group of thugs. These are ordinary people, simply frightened about the increased violence on the subways.

Harry:
What is that weapon?

Christine:
Surface-to-Air missile launcher, sir.

Old Man:
It wasn't loaded, sir. I was just using it for intimidation!

Harry:
People, people! Don't you see that you are just contributing to the problem? You're tearing a hole in the fabric that binds us together as civilized human beings. What I'm trying to say is...

Old Man:
We don't get the guns back?

[Jack Sullivan, the Defense's father, is accused of being with a prostitute]

Christine:
Daddy, what happened?

Jack Sullivan:
I got caught with a hooker.

Flo:
Parents say the darnedest things, don't they?

[At the restaurant's costume party after Harry dumped a witch]

Christine:
[Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...

Harry:
[Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?

Christine:
I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.

Harry:
You're right, [sarcastically] and that outfit really helps a lot.

Flo:
[Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.

Bull:
[Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?

Harry:
Sure Bull, I'll have some.

Bull:
How did you know it was me?

Flo:
You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]

Dan:
[Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?

Harry:
I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.

Quon Le:
[Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?

Christine:
Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?

Quon Le:
Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frieghtened Miss Muffet away."

Mac:
[Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!

Mac:
The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.

Dan Fielding:
All of them?

Mac:
She's in there, too, Dan.

Dan Fielding:
[smiles] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Grampa Robinson:
You're pretty sharp for a...

Quon Le:
Minority?

Grampa Robinson:
My boy never had a chance, did he?

[She smiles and shakes her head.]

Dan:
[on phone] No, no, I need the costume tonight! Yes, let's say something tasteful, conservative... say, the Roman Emperor Caligula... $200?! For some sandals and a sheet?! All right, all right, let's lay the cards on the table. What can I get for $19.95?

[pause]

Dan:
[to Flo] What's a "Smurf"?

Florence:
Imagine your cat threw up a furball that talked.

Dan:
I don't understand it, Harry. Some things in this world should not be meddled with: Nature, humanity...

Harry:
Coca-Cola.

Dan:
Exactly.

Dan Fielding:
Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.

Vincent Daniels:
That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.

Harry Stone:
Your father left?

Vincent Daniels:
I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!

Dan Fielding:
You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?

Vincent Daniels:
The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was an intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.

[He looks Dan square in the eye]

Vincent Daniels:
It was his own.

[silence]

Dan Fielding:
[guiltily] Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?

Harry Stone:
You can do it with your own words.

Dan Fielding:
[stands] Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.

Vincent Daniels:
Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Dan Fielding:
You're taking me back?

Vincent Daniels:
Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.

[Dan looks gratified]

Vincent Daniels:
But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!

Dan Fielding:
GOD BLESS YOU!

[Dan hugs him, then leaves]

Vincent Daniels:
I don't understand him.

Harry Stone:
Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

Dan:
[to a newsman on a portable television] I want you dead! If I could get to Albany, I would kill you myself! [throws it out the window] And I hate your blazer!

[He calms down, and turns to Harry.]

Dan:
I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Uh, Harry, I apologize about your TV.

Christine:
[giggling] Let me tell him.

Dan:
Tell me what?

Christine:
It was Bull's.

Dan:
AAH!

[Behind him, Bull rises slowly to his feet.]

Dan:
[without turning around] He's getting up... he's coming over here...

[Harry and Christine nod. Dan turns and jumps when he sees Bull looming there.]

Dan:
Money or revenge?

Bull:
Revenge.

[Dan takes off his watch and places it on the table, then removes his shoe and uses the heel to smash the watch as hard as he can, then holds it up for inspection.]

Bull:
Thank yoooooooou.

Bull:
Life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty, but from adversity comes strength.

Renee:
Your Honor, may I address the court?

Judge Harold T. Stone:
Listen, I don't--

Renee (interrupts him, turning to the galley):
I...am a hooker.

Bull:
Renee, don't.

Renee (continues):
You see, I degrade myself for money because...I don't like myself very much.

Bull:
Please...

Renee (continues):
No, that's, that's not entirely true (voice cracking tearfully): I don't like myself at all. (pauses to keep from crying, gestures to Bull): And this man...made me feel like a princess. And do you know why? (no one answers, her pleas become more desperate and strained from trying not to cry): You know why? Well, I don't know why, either. (finally falls to the floor, sobbing): Can somebody please tell me why?!

Christine Sullivan:
Uh, excuse me sir, about my client...

Judge Drayton:
Oh, right. Hang him.

Christine Sullivan:
He stole an Eskimo Pie, sir.

Judge Drayton:
There was once this girl who came through my courtroom, carrying a baby. Beautiful girl, seventeen or eighteen, long, dark hair... and a welt where her husband hit her across the cheek. She asks me to make him stop hitting her, and I said, "fine, I'll send him to jail." Then she changes her testimony! She says she lied! She doesn't want her husband to go to jail! He brought home money so the family could eat! All she wanted, was to make him stop hitting her! Well, I can't make him stop hitting her, Harry! IN TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, I NEVER MADE ANYBODY STOP!

Judge Harry T. Stone:
I'm sorry.

Judge Drayton:
[sinks into a seat] God's in his heaven... but all's not quite right with the world.

Judge Drayton:
Am I... am I sick, Harry?

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Maybe a little. But mostly, I'd say you're just really, really tired.

Judge Drayton:
[laughing softly] Ho-ho, tired... oh, I could sleep for a million years. You know, if the bed they strap me down to is comfortable, I probably will.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Art, Art, dear, dear Art, please don't think I'm trying to pry... [seizes Art by his sterile mask] ...but what the hell are you doing?

Art:
I got a work order to fumigate the entire building. We've got a problem with termites.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
How big a problem?

[Everyone looks up at a loud creaking noise from the ceiling, which collapses, dumping an entire desk onto the courtroom floor, along with its shell-shocked occupant.]

Assistant:
[into his phone] I, uh... I'll have to get back to you, Mac.

Mac:
[at his desk, into his own phone] I understand.

[Mac introduces Mrs. Lund from Juvenile Services.]

Christine:
You work in the building? Funny, I've never seen you before.

Mrs. Lund:
Well... to be honest, I was told to always stay away from this floor.

[Bull enters, wearing a full-sized gas mask.]

Mrs. Lund:
Mind you, I have nothing to base that on.

Mac:
Art, hey! We're busy here!

Art:
We're on red alert!

Mac:
Really?

Art:
[lays a commiserative hand on Mac's shoulder] I only wish we could have saved your desk.

Mac:
Oh, my dear Lord! [runs out]

[A hired prankster hits Dan in the face with a chocolate cream pie.]

Dan:
It was... one of you, wasn't it?

Florence:
And it was worth every penny! [laughs]

Harry:
Flo, you don't have to cover for me. I called 'em, Dan!

Christine:
Wait a minute... you two don't have to cover for me. I was the one who called!

Mac:
Uh-uh, uh-uh! It was me!

Dan:
You want the truth? It was all of you.

Harry:
...It was?

Dan:
[laughs] I knew you couldn't resist it. I knew you would want me. I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money, just for one hit, and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!

Mac:
You knew we all called!

Dan:
Yes, I knew! You hate me! You all hate me! Everybody hates me!

[He leans into Christine, his face still covered with chocolate cream.]

Dan:
For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.

Christine:
[unable to look at him] You allowed yourself to be humiliated for a few hundred dollars?

Florence:
Are you crazy? He'd French-kiss a buffalo for a few hundred dollars.

[during a hostage standoff in the cafeteria]

Mac:
[hangs up the phone] They said they might be able to get a hostage negotiator over here in... [checks watch] Two hours.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[aghast] Two hours?

Mac:
They said all their people are tied up right now.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
Tied up with what?

Mac:
Rope. They're being held hostage by a militant splinter faction of Up with People.

Judge Harry T. Stone:
[shakes head] It was only a matter of time.

[while Flo is being held "hostage" in the cafeteria]

Hector Rivera:
If you don't shut up, lady, I'm gonna pull this pin...

Flo:
Ah, you don't scare me. I was one of the original Angels of Bataan, served in the Philippines. I've seen combat, I've seen bloodshed, I've seen man's inhumanity to man at its best! Where was I?

Hector Rivera:
[helplessly] Oh-nine-hundred hours...

Flo:
Right... [leans back, remembering] The smell of damp khaki filled the air...

[Hector buries his head.]

[About Flo's unwillingness to retire.]

Bob Marks:
I understand your feelings. It's never easy, delivering a blow like this. I suppose you think I enjoy this sort of thing... [spins around, grinning widely] I DO! I'm sorry, I gotta be honest! I live for this kind of thing! I love it! [laughs]

Harry T. Stone:
[sarcastic] Well, that's a relief. I was afraid I wasn't getting through to him.

[after Christine tells Harry that Mel Torme and Barry Manilow did an album together.]

Harry:
That is a desperately sick lie!

Christine:
That... is the truth.

Harry:
: Mac, say it ain't so.

Mac:
It's so.

[Harry cries on his shoulder.]

Bull:
My mother used to tell me that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.

Florence:
That's cute. What happened when you found out?

Bull:
When I found out what?

[crash of thunder]

Bull:
Gosh, He's good.

Florence:
He's got His own ball.

[Dan is assisting a woman in labor.]

Dan:
Tommy, get me some surgical gloves.

Officer Tommy:
Uh, fr-from where?

Dan Fielding:
My briefcase, top pocket. [smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.

[Benet is trying to deliver her baby].

Benet Collins:
[exhausted] Dan, I can't do this!

Dan Fielding:
You can!

Benet Collins:
I can't!

Dan Fielding:
[thinks a moment] Think about... Hugh Hefner.

[Benet growls.]

Officer Tommy:
It's coming!

Dan Fielding:
Lying there in his silk pajamas, with dozens of big-breasted women catering to his every whim...

[Benet growls louder.]

Officer Tommy:
I can see a piece of shoulder!

Dan Fielding:
Oh, is that...? Oh, look who's coming through the door, it's Bobby Riggs!

[Benet screams in rage.]

Officer Tommy:
It's out!

Dan Fielding:
YES!

[Benet collapses in exhaustion and relief.]

[Harry enters the dark courtroom, looking at the crucifix-shaped basketball hoop that Art nailed over the windows.]

Harry T. Stone:
Can we talk? As you probably know... I-I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night... after night. You remember that guy...? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? And why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King... [pulls a basketball out of his robe] And Larry Bird!

[He tosses the ball - SWISH!]