Roseanne, Season 3

Roseanne:
[entering the kitchen] Boy, it's just a beautiful morning today, it just makes me wanna SING!!!

[note:
this was a reference to Roseanne Barr's controversial performance of the U.S. national anthem at a baseball game in July 1990]

Becky:
You did forget, I can't believe it!

Dan:
[to Darlene] A little help. [Darlene imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring] Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

Jackie:
Are you sure Dan doesn't know?

Roseanne:
No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.

Jackie:
How did you manage that?

Roseanne:
I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.

Dan:
[knocking on door of bathroom, where Roseanne, Jackie and Crystal are about to start Roseanne's pregnancy test] Roseanne, what the hell is going on in there?

Roseanne:
We're worshiping Satan, honey. We'll be right out.

Darlene:
[on the new baby] I just don't think it's fair that you should expect me to clean the baby, or wash it, or watch it while it sleeps, or change its diapers---

Roseanne:
[putting her arm around Darlene] I guess what you're saying here is that you just feel that three children are enough for this house.

Darlene:
Well, yeah.

Roseanne:
[takes her arm from around Darlene] We're gonna miss you, Darlene.

D.J.:
Was I an accident?

Roseanne:
... No, D.J., you were... a surprise.

D.J.:
Oh. What's the difference?

Roseanne:
Well, an accident is something that, if you had to do it over again, you wouldn't, but a surprise is something that you didn't even know you wanted till you got it.

D.J.:
Was Darlene an accident?

Dan:
No, Darlene was a disaster.

D.J.:
Darlene says I'm a prevert.

Roseanne:
No, you're not a pre-vert, DJ, you're a pervert.

Arnie:
Kid's a peeper, huh? Boy, that takes me back...

Roseanne:
What, you got sisters too?

Arnie:
I wish!

Darlene:
I hear he does the nasty with college girls

Roseanne:
...WELL. I certainly hope he gets extra credit for that.

Becky:
He just dated some senior who took some college classes- no big deal!

Roseanne:
No, of course not. (arranging Becky's hair) Whattaya think, Dan? Pigtails, ribbons?

Dan:
(watching TV) Works for me.

Darlene:
Good luck covering up those fresh zits tonight, Princess.

Becky:
You're just jealous 'cause I'm anatomically correct.

Darlene:
Yeah, and I'll bet you just can't wait to show Robert.

Becky:
You mean I actually have to go into the store and, like, buy condoms myself? God, how embarrassing.

Roseanne:
Well, you don't have to go in there and buy them. I mean, you could use the rhythm method.

Becky:
Oh, does it work?

Roseanne:
Ask your brother.

[Roseanne is having a talk with Becky about birth control]

Becky:
But doesn't all that stuff, like, kill the mood?

Roseanne:
Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.

[Darlene kisses Brian]

Brian:
What was that for?

Darlene:
For thinking cheerleaders are stupid.

Brian:
Well, I don't think they're stupid. I think they're complete idiots. [he and Darlene embrace and begin to make out]

Darlene:
Did you get felt up?

Becky:
No.

Darlene:
Huh! I did.

Darlene:
(on the phone) Hello? Yeah! I'd love to. Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call. You wanna buy me dinner? Well gee, what's in it for you? Oh, sure I put out. Everybody knows that.

Roseanne:
Darlene, what are you doing?

Darlene:
Oh don't worry, Mom, he thinks it's Becky.

Roseanne:
Oh, OK.

Becky:
Mother! I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!

Darlene:
[as Becky chases her] Sorry, gotta go. [Hangs up, to Becky] 7:30, don't dress.

Becky:
You're dead!

Roseanne:
(sarcastically, after the above incident) Well, thanks for your help.

Dan:
What?

Roseanne:
Don't you have anything to say about what Darlene just did?

Dan:
Yes. If only she would use her power for good instead of evil.

Roseanne:
[on her new waitress job versus her old beauty parlor job] Well, the way I look at it, I'm still working with hair; only now, it's in the food.

Waitress:
(to Roseanne, pointing to table with two boys who are throwing spoons and spitballs) That's your table, sis.

Roseanne:
Geez, they're kinda cute aren't they? You know, I have a couple kids at home just their age. I think I can relate to them. (walks up to table) GET OUT!!

Darlene (as Becky stands in front of the television after the girls fight about what to watch):
Becky, I can't see.

Becky:
[mockingly] Sorry, Darlene, am I in your way?

Darlene:
Well, we got a 19 inch TV, and you got a 25 inch butt.

Becky:
Mom, Darlene's hogging the bathroom. She's doing her homework and she locked me out, and I really need to get in.

Roseanne:
Darlene's doing her homework! Oh, honey!

Dan:
Oh, it's a proud, proud day!

Darlene:
Mom, I worked it out with Becky. She's gonna stay home and babysit D.J., and I'm gonna go out.

Roseanne:
Now, why would she make a deal like that?

Darlene:
Well, I had dirt on her.

Roseanne:
... What kinda dirt?

Darlene:
Now, if I told you, I'd have to stay home. (leaves, Becky comes in)

Roseanne:
So, what do you think your punishment oughta be?

Becky:
What do you mean?

Roseanne:
Darlene told me everything.

Becky:
That little rat.

Roseanne:
I told her I wasn't going to do anything about it till I get your side of the story.

Becky:
Well, first we... wait a minute. (grins and shakes her head) Uh-uh.

Roseanne:
...You're gettin' good.

Darlene:
If D.J. was doing something weird, now I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away, right?

Roseanne:
Yeah, but he'd find his way back, like you always do. What's going on?

Becky:
He's doing something really weird.

Roseanne:
Gosh, I am so tired of this, you know. It's really really boring, every time the kid does anything, you girls come down here squawking about it. Now I told you before, he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does them differently. He's a boy!

Darlene:
Real different.

(Darlene shows the doll heads to Roseanne)

Roseanne:
Oh, it looks like D.J. got himself a hobby.

Becky:
Mother! These are my old dolls!

Dan:
Oh geez, he's not playing with dolls, is he? (Darlene shows him the box of beheaded Barbies) That's a relief.

Jackie:
He walked in here and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.

Roseanne:
Well, so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!

Jackie:
Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but you won't seem to go away!

Dan:
Do you want a bike that sounds like Barry Manilow, or do you want one that sounds like... [starts the bike] ...Steppenwolf?

Darlene:
Mom!

D.J.:
Mom!

Roseanne:
What?

Dan:
Darlene's sayin' everything DJ says a second before he says it.

Roseanne:
[to Darlene] God, that's so immature!

Roseanne:
Hey Darlene, did you ever think about banging your head into the table real hard? Maybe he'll knock himself out.

Darlene:
[sarcastically] Thank you very much.

D.J.:
Thank you very much.

Darlene:
[chasing D.J. upstairs] You're dead!

D.J.:
You're dead!

Roseanne:
[to Dan] Whew! How's it goin'?

Dan:
Whew! How's it goin'?

Darlene:
If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.

Roseanne:
See, Dan, I told you, D.J. is small for his age.

Darlene:
[Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!

Roseanne:
No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

[Roseanne, Dan and Darlene stand together, grinning at Becky.]

Becky:
God, I hate this family.

Darlene:
Hey Mark, two plus two?

Mark:
What?

Darlene:
Yeah, I thought so.

Mark:
Oh, ya think ya can stop me from seeing Becky, huh?

Dan:
I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.

Roseanne:
Me too!

Roseanne:
[on Mark] I wanna go over to his house and beat the hell out of his mother.

[Becky has just lied to Roseanne, saying she is going to visit her friend Judy when she is really going to see Mark, and Roseanne has called her bluff.]

Roseanne:
She's probably up there right now working on Plan B.

Jackie:
Maybe it's a really dumb story, like, "Judy's parents are Amish and don't have a phone."

Roseanne:
I was only eleven!

Dan:
[seductively] Roseanne, I've been thinkin'... what if my manly abilities aren't really mine, what if it's the mattress?

Roseanne:
I thought it was the mattress.

Dan:
No, I mean, what if I can't wow you in the new bed?

Roseanne:
Well, you didn't have no trouble when we brought home that new kitchen table.

(Roseanne is dressed up as a man for Halloween goes into the Lobo mens' bathroom to check it out. As she is looking at the urinal, a man walks in to use the bathroom. She pretends as if she is using the urinal, and starts trying to make conversation with the man who is now using the urinal next to her.)

Roseanne:
(after the man ceases responding to her) Oh I get it. It's like being in an elevator.

Jackie:
(not wanting to go to Dan's Lodge haunted house, upset after breaking up with Gary) It's no fun have some 60-year-old guy with a pot belly jump out and say "ooga booga." It was scary when I was 8, even scarier now.

Jackie:
(talking about men) Why do they do that?

Roseanne:
I don't know. We're talking about the only animal on Earth that would wear black socks with bermuda shorts.

Dan:
Do I have to spell it out for ya? [making movements to illustrate each letter as he speaks] P-M-S!

D.J.:
OH MY GOD! [dives under the kitchen table to hide]

Jackie:
Are you sure?

Dan:
Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.

Crystal:
I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.

Dan:
And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?

Becky:
I'm gonna be at the mall.

Darlene:
I've got basketball practice.

Crystal:
Me too.

Dan:
There's gonna be a 24-hour roller-coaster ride with Sybil at the switch.

Jackie:
Wait! No, you can't leave!

Dan:
Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.

Jackie:
Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety...physical pain.

Dan:
And it's rough on your mother, too.

Roseanne:
[toasting Dan at his party] So here's to you, Dan Conner, my husband, my soulmate, my friend, my rock...

Dan:
[to himself] God, please, let this be over...

Roseanne:
...a great big rock that just sits on my couch and does nothing but watch TV!

Dan:
[to himself] That's it - God's a woman.

Roseanne:
Oh, occasionally, y'know, it'll ask for a beer and then I have to go in there and get it because after all, it is just a ROCK, and a rock can't just tip itself over and roll over to the refrigerator, can it? So I have to get the beer for it... yep! A big, TV-watching, beer-drinking rock. But he's MY rock, and I must live with it. [downs her champagne in one gulp]

Jackie:
So Happy Birthday, Dan!

[Jackie leads everyone in singing "Happy Birthday" as she brings out the birthday cake]

Jackie:
Make a wish, Dan!

[Dan blows out the candles in one breath and everyone cheers. Dan looks over at Roseanne to see her passed out at another table, her empty champagne glass in front of her]

Dan:
[to himself] YES! I got my wish!

Darlene:
I can't believe it! The nerd flips the bird!

D.J.:
Mom, how come Becky's got three hands in this picture?

Roseanne:
Three hands...?

D.J.:
Yeah, look.

Roseanne:
Lemme see. (looks through DJ's magnifying glass and gasps) She didn't do it. I'll kill her!

Becky:
I can't believe this! You guys weren't mad when you thought I did do it, and now you’re mad 'cause you know I didn't? God, maybe next year I ought to moon the class photo so you guys are proud of me.

Roseanne:
Make sure it's your own butt!

Jackie:
Say, guys, um... your son just gave Gilligan the finger.

Roseanne:
Dan...

Dan:
Well, he's the reason they're still stuck on that island!

Roseanne:
(sternly) Dan!

Dan:
Alright, Alright. DJ! Get in here, little buddy!

Roseanne:
BECKY!!!

DJ:
Yeah?

Dan:
Have a seat, okay? Let's see, uh, how can I explain this? Ah! Ok, this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors, and see the big guy in the third row? Just don't ever stick him up in the air at anybody.

D.J.:
But Mom did it when she was driving!

Roseanne:
Well, the idiot cuts me off!

(Roseanne is speaking to other mothers at the principal's about the picture)

Roseanne:
Ah, do your kids do this in the family pictures?

Mother:
No way.

Roseanne:
(to Principal Hiller) No, they do it here.

Annemarie:
That's right.

Principal Hiller:
Oh I see, following that logic, Mrs. Conner, as long as they're not stealing anything out of your living room, it's not your fault if they hold up a convenience store.

Roseanne:
Hey, we're not talking about armed robbery here, OK? We're talking about some teenagers flipping the bird. I think we should get over it.

Principal Hiller:
Maybe you're right, but I don't think so. And neither do all these parents who have called in to complain about the photo. They want us to reshoot it at our cost and quite frankly, Mrs. Conner, this is not within our budget. So, what would your have me tell them about what your daughter did?

Roseanne:
(remembering her own teenage years with Annemarie) Ahh, that it's a political statement?

Roseanne:
We can't control everything thing our kids do. Sooner or later they're just gonna do what they're gonna do. They're like people that way.

Becky (in a sugar-coated voice) Look, everybody:
Daddy's home! Oh, hi, Daddy!

Dan:
(to Becky, DJ, Darlene, and Roseanne) Hi, Princess, Bud, Kitten, Margaret.

Roseanne:
You know, of all of the people in the world to have as a role model, our kid has to pick Eddie Munster.

Dan:
You're the one who thought it would be great to have a son.

Roseanne:
Well, it would have.

Jackie:
You're kidding? You guys have a night?

Roseanne:
Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.

Jackie:
You have a time too?

Roseanne:
Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.

Jackie:
Well, you should make him wait half an hour after he eats.

Dan:
Whatcha doin'?

Roseanne:
Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warren's house tonight.

Dan:
You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?

Roseanne:
No! That was D.J. [pause] Little Warren just stunned 'em.

Becky:
Well, if they're not missing, then what are they? I mean, hey, let’s face it, even Mom and Dad can't eat dinner for four hours.

Jackie:
Bring on the fudge and Kevin Costner's butt. I'm ready to sink my teeth into both of them.

Roseanne:
How ya doin' sis?

Bev:
[yells from the bathroom] Roseanne, are these towels clean?

Jackie:
[realizing Roseanne tricked her] You are just EVIL!

Bev:
You know, Darlene, you're very lucky to have such a popular sister. When you start dating she could give you some pointers. (winks)

Darlene:
Yeah well, if she's so popular, just ask her which one of us got felt up. (winks)

Roseanne:
Darlene, leave the table.

Darlene:
Yeah, I knew that'd do it.

Jackie:
(Talking to Roseanne) What if he hits on me?

Roseanne:
Oh Jackie, he's annoying, not desperate!

Dan:
What's wrong with DJ?

Darlene:
Oh, his death ray broke.

Dan:
How did that happen?

Darlene:
Oh that's not important.

Crystal:
I'm pregnant.

Roseanne:
Are you sure you're not just late?

Crystal:
Yeah ,I'm sure, I've got all the signs. I'm nauseous, I'm eating all the time, and oh yeah, my doctor told me I'm pregnant.

Dan (to Ed):
What're you doing?

Ed:
What's it look like I'm doing? I'm nursing a beer and watching a dirty movie through all these lines.

Dan:
Why don't you just pay them the extra four bucks and they'll unscramble it?

Ed:
Then they'd know I'm in here watching a dirty movie.

Becky:
No one could eat this crud.

Dan:
Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.

Darlene:
Mom and Dad are impossible, Mom's fighting with Aunt Jackie, everybody's yelling at everybody else but nobody's saying what they should. Becky, you're a selfish, stupid, heartless spoiled brat!

Roseanne (to Jackie about her date):
Make sure you order dessert because I was reading in Cosmo where it says that um, you know, a healthy appetite is considered sexy nowadays...I was so far ahead of my time.

Becky (to Darlene):
Why don't you just kiss my butt?!

Darlene:
Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo.

Dan:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No butt-kissing at the dinner table.

Becky (to Darlene):
Do you remember Mark?

Darlene:
From down the street?

Becky:
No, the guy I went out with.

Darlene:
Oh, yeah! The stupid one.

Becky:
He's not stupid, he's gorgeous. I mean, you just wish you could meet a guy like that.

Darlene:
Yeah well, if I wait a couple years, he'll be in my grade.

Becky:
(to Dan) God! You're beginning to sound like Mom!

Dan:
Hold it! (to Roseanne) If I find that really insulting, will it bother you?

Dan:
(to Roseanne after arguing with Becky) This whole marriage-family thing has been a lot of fun, but I gotta go.

Roseanne:
Damn, I lose more husbands that way.

Dan:
Deej, what's goin' on?

D.J.:
It's OK. As long as I give Kevin Morgan two Twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.

Dan:
No, it's not OK. You can't go through life giving in to bullies.

DJ:
But I wanna live!

[Darlene's Home Ec class is cooking dinner for the Conners]

Tanya:
How long do we cook it?

Roseanne:
'Til the oldest kid comes down and whines 'Oh God, not meatloaf again!'. Call me when you're ready.

Meryl:
Hey, wait a minute. I don't see why I have to be stuck in this kitchen, killing myself cooking dinner for this family!

Girls:
Yeah!

Roseanne:
This is a proud, proud, proud moment for me, girls! Now you're sounding like real housewives.

Dan:
[to Kevin Morgan's father] Whoa, settle down or I'll give my wife a doughnut to kick YOUR butt.

Roseanne:
Don't encourage him!

Dan:
Kid's a genius!

Roseanne:
He's an extortionist! So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?

D.J.:
No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he'd give me two Twinkies every day. Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.

Roseanne:
He IS a genius.

Roseanne:
(reading a Valentine's Day card from Dan) Though this gift is not what you desired, the message is quite clear. If you need proof of how much I love you, Well, heck Rosey, I'm still here!

Barry:
Hello. This is Barry Parker. Is this Darlene?

Becky:
Just a second, Barry. I'll get her. (screams) DARLENE! HURRY! IT'S HIM!

(Becky and Darlene begin to celebrate by screaming and jumping up and down)

Darlene:
OK, I just became the kind of girl I hate. Now gimme the phone.

Roseanne:
Geez, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts like a total baby.

Dan:
[yells] What's that honey?

Roseanne:
[yells back] I said, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts just like a baby!

Dan:
Oh, ok.

Roseanne:
Stay sick Dan. When you get well, I am going to kill you.

Becky:
Darlene's just sort of discovering boys, Brian. In fact, before she met you she thought she was one.

Leon (to Roseanne):
I know it's slow, but isn't there something menial you could be doing?

Roseanne:
Well, we're talking to you.

Roseanne:
Look at these really cool sunglasses.

Dan:
What do you need those for? You never leave the casino.

Roseanne:
That's so nobody can see my eyes when I'm bluffing.

Dan:
You can't bluff a slot machine.

Roseanne:
I don't see why not, you talk to the dice.

Dan:
If we leave right now and drive at the speed limit, we'll just miss the plane.

Dan:
Oh look, it's our favorite fun couple: Becky and anybody-but-that-guy.

Roseanne:
Oh man, he makes my skin crawl...

Dan:
Ah...honey, just put on your best fake smile.

Dan:
[Sitting behind Roseanne on the motorcycle] Wow...suddenly I feel like Ann-Margret in Kitten with a Whip.

Darlene:
I got fifty bucks you can borrow, Beck. That'll leave you with only $12.50.

Becky:
What's in it for you?

Darlene:
Well, I'll lend you the money, interest free, then when I'm sixteen, we share the car.

Becky:
You think I'm gonna share a car with you? No way.

Darlene:
Then forget it. Junior Miss can take the bus until she's forty.

Becky:
I just don't want you to hate Mark.

Dan:
I don't hate Mark.

Becky:
Mom does.

Dan:
Oh, Mom definitely hates him...definitely...hate. Mom does, yes.

Jackie:
Maybe she was a little uptight.

Roseanne:
A little uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.

Kathy:
So now you're a better mother because you have more children?

Roseanne:
Yes! I have three, and you only have one. Three to one, get it! I have three! I win!

Roseanne:
I'm a better person. I'm a better person. I'm a better person. Hope I don't kill her.

Roseanne:
Oh, you probably still sneak into Todd's room at night, and check if he's breathing.

Kathy:
Yes!

Roseanne:
Amateur!

Jackie:
We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.

Darlene:
Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.

Roseanne:
[to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?

Becky:
[about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.

Dan:
He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain others in this household, considering what happened to me yesterday.

Darlene:
You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take one shot. Now that is love.

Dan:
[patting Darlene on the head] Thank you, dear.

Becky:
[to Darlene] Oh right, suck up for the inheritance!

[Roseanne is in labor]

Roseanne:
I can't stand it no more, Dan. I gotta push.

Dan:
No, no, not 'til the doctor gets here. Come on, blow.

Roseanne:
[after a few quick breaths] Okay, okay, it passed.

Dan:
You're pushing.

Roseanne:
No I'm not!

Dan:
Yes, you are! If you aren't going to do this right, let's forget the whole thing.

Roseanne:
Oh, right, we'll just go home. God, you're such a moron!

Dan:
Five, five, five, five, one--yes, it's a boy!

Darlene:
Okay, she wants to see the blue dress, let's show her the blue dress. [Darlene and Becky leave the room to show Roseanne, then, starting a loop, come back immediately] It's too blue. [In an orange dress] Looked better on the hanger. [In a red dress] Rhubarb with hair. [In a green dress] Makes too much noise when I walk. [A different blue dress] Makes me look lopsided.

[The final dress is ridiculously spacey]

Becky:
[following Darlene] Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.

Dan:
Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.

Darlene:
Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.

Roseanne:
C'mon, Darlene, don't miss out on this just to get back at me. There's better ways of gettin' back at me! Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother!

Becky:
What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.

Dan:
Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.

Darlene:
God, don't you just want to smack them when they say stuff like that!?

Roseanne:
You're the guy that said you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough.

Ziggy:
And I've never been proven wrong.