Scrubs, Season 4

It's J.D.'s last week of residency]

J.D.:
[to Dr. Cox] C'mon, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station! You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.

Dr. Cox:
I suppose I could riff on a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV. Wireless hotspots. The Bush daughters. The O.C. The U.N. Getting Punk'd. Danny Gans. The Latin Grammys. The real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees' payroll. All the red states. All the blue states. Every hybrid car. Every talk show host. Everything on the planet. Everything in the solar system. Everything-everything-everything-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh... and Hugh Jackman! [leaves]

J.D.:
Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!

Dr. Cox:
Newbie, do you want me to give my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.

J.D.:
I agrizzle, my nizzle.

[Dr. Cox has just made Elliot Chief Resident, passing J.D. over; J.D. does not take the news well.]

Dr. Cox:
Newbie, how you doing?

J.D.:
[voiceover] OK, keep it together. It's "be a man" time. [out loud, barely holding together] No, it's fine. You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. [hysterically] Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?! Who's going to tell my mom?! And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?! [Falls to his knees, throwing business cards everywhere]

Dr. Cox:
Yeah, Scarlet, you're chief resident too.

J.D.:
Uh, what now?

Dr. Cox:
Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle.

J.D.:
So wait, why didn't you just say that in the first place?

Dr. Cox:
What, and miss your hall-of-fame hissy? Not on your life.

Dr. Kelso:
So what do you think?

Dr. Cox:
Well, Bob, either this kid's got a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.

Molly Clock:
I think, as a psychiatrist, I should be there when Ms. Myers' bandages get removed. I mean, the accident was traumatic enough, but with reconstructive facial surgey on top of that? In my professional opinion: yikes!

Dr. Cox:
Well, if you are coming in, I might just go ahead and phone up my pool man and my architect so we populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.

Molly Clock:
Great! My mom's in town, should I call her?

[Dr. Cox makes a face and walks off]

Carla:
[laughing] That was good.

Dr. Cox:
You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?

J.D:
[narration] ...That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.

New Doctor:
[Approaching from behind a wall] Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.

J.D:
Hey Ron, the "I don't care" ward's down there.

[J.D. is asking people at the hospital if they've ever unintentionally killed a patient]

Turk:
Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?

Elliot:
Mrs. Kahn, my second year.

Doug:
Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.

Kelso:
I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?

Doug:
On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.

Todd:
Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.

Doug:
Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.

Dr. Cox:
No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?

J.D.:
[narration] Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A hook, if you will.

[J.D. approaches the bed of a female patient, holding a handheld tape recorder]

J.D.:
[into recorder] Mrs. McCullum, forties. Moderately attractive, condition improving.

Mrs. McCullum:
Did you just say I was moderately attractive?

J.D.:
Excuse me, Mrs. McCullum. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

[J.D. has just regained his residents' respect]

J.D.:
Lonnie, slap your face!

[Lonnie does so]

J.D.:
All of you, slap your faces!

[All the residents slap their own faces]

J.D.:
Awesome.

[Dan greets J.D. with cake,a family tradition for bearing bad news]

J.D.:
What happened?

Dan:
What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"

J.D.:
Dan.

Dan:
...Dad died.

J.D.:
...There's ice cream in the fridge.

Dr. Cox:
Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist, and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.

Dan:
I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.

Dr. Cox:
And I have got to believe that the two of us, together-together, Dan-we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.

Molly:
Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.

Dr. Cox:
There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.

Molly:
So they'd have more of a nougaty center?

Dr. Cox:
Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

Molly:
[Rubs his stomach] I'm touching your creamy center!

[She leaves; J.D. enters the hallway behind Dr. Cox]

Dr. Cox:
Ohh, I am... so very angry... that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong.

[J.D. turns around and flees]

Dr. Cox:
Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?

Dr. Kelso:
With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.

Dr. Cox:
Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!

Dr. Kelso:
Well, that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling.

Dr. Cox:
Exactly!

Molly:
I'm sorry, I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.

J.D.:
[narration] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.

J.D.:
My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.

J.D.:
[narration] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.

J.D.:
Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.

Molly:
Wow. [kisses J.D.]

[The Janitor kicks J.D. out of his van into the desert]

J.D.:
What are you doing?!

The Janitor:
It's been four years! How do you not get how this works?!

[The Janitor drives off leaving J.D.]

J.D.:
[narration] Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs. [to Neena] Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.

Neena Broderick:
[laughs] That's really funny.

J.D.:
[narration] Well, that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious.

J.D.:
Dr. Cox, I'd like to take this one.

Dr. Cox:
Go ahead.

J.D.:
[greeting a patient] Mr. Steel, first name, Man of.

Dr. Cox:
And you're done.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm... I'm gavomiting!

Dr. Cox (to J.D.):
Can I ask you a personal question? Just how long has it been since you swept the stuffed animals off of your bed, thrown your ankles up in the air and thanked whatever god you pray to that you didn't have on your granny panties?

Dr. Kelso:
Shore it up, people. Neena Broderick's in the building.

Ted (yelling):
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

J.D. (narrating):
As tactless as it was to yell that in a room of very sick people, Ted had a point.

Turk:
J.D., big news! Guess what my new cell phone number spells!

J.D.:
Why'd you get a new cell phone number? Your old number spelled "kufunninapuh."

Turk:
Yeah, well this one's 916-CALL-TURK. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!

J.D.:
How'm I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with "kufunninapuh"!

Elliot:
Carla, when I became Chief Resident, I wrote a pledge to myself. And do you know what it said?

Carla:
Mm-mm?

Elliot:
It said "Dance like nobody is watching." Which I do, constantly... in my living room, with the shades closed just in case somebody is watching. But it also said not to hide problems away.

Dr. Kelso:
Shake this place up! And for God's sakes, get Murphy out of here!

Carla:
Don't worry, Doug, you're a good doctor.

Doug:
I know! (turns around and accidentally jolts Carla with the defibrilator paddles)

Dr. Cox (to Neena):
Okay, missy. Knowing damn sure that you'll sue us if the slightest thing should go wrong with this elective procedure, we're gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.

Neena:
You can't do that.

Dr. Cox:
Really? Bob?

Dr. Kelso:
Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient. Here's a list of places we can refer you to. Thanks for playing.

Elliot:
Yeah, and Kelso wants me to keep hiding Doug until that attorney leaves. Isn't that ridiculous?

Carla:
Elliot, the man tried to electrocute me an hour ago. All I care about is whether or not this twitch goes away. You should take Doug down to the morgue. The worst he could do there is bring somebody back to life!

J.D. (to Dr. Cox):
Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it is our medical obligation to treat him, whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.

Dr. Cox:
I know, but a lawyer?

J.D.:
Even a lawyer.

Carla (to Janitor):
Hey, Night School! Mr. Corman followed us home last night!

Turk:
How'd you get my cell phone number?

Janitor:
Ehh, once you got somebody's driver's license and a urine sample, you get just about anything. How do you flunk 8th grade gym?

Carla:
You better stop messing with my husband.

Janitor:
You.. tell him to stop messing with my walls!

Carla (glares at Turk):
You did this?

Turk:
Baby, you know you're my world.

Carla:
I'm out. (leaves)

Janitor:
I flunked gym, too. Didn't like the shorts.

Mr. Corman (to Neena):
Your father's gonna be just fine. The place is top-notch! I practically live here!

Neena:
Are you a doctor?

Mr. Corman:
Massive hypochondriac. If you'll excuse me, I have to go harass a surgeon.

J.D.:
How do I decide if we should do the procedure or not?

Elliot:
How do I tell someone he shouldn't be a doctor?

Turk:
How do I get my patient to stop stalking me?

Patient (thinking):
How do I get these people to realize that just because I'm in a coma doesn't mean I can't hear them?... I'm hungry.

J.D.:
Turk, the way I see it, you got 2 options: You can go hard-core with Mr. Corman; slap a restraining order on him and switch him to another doctor...

Turk:
Guy's a pain in the ass, but I can't do that to him!

Elliot:
Then you just have to re-establish your boundaries and wean him off the home visits. It's easy. 'Course, you'll definitely have to change your cell phone number.

(Scene cuts to Turk and Mr. Corman)

Turk:
Mr. Corman, I filed a restraining order.

Turk (on answering machine to J.D.):
Dude! Mr. Corman is suing me! And that ice princess is his attorney! When did he get a chance to meet her?! What am I gonna do? Call Turk as soon as you get this!

Carla:
J.D., how could you do this to Turk? You guys are so close I occasionally have nightmares of you running away together!

J.D.:
Where do we go?

Turk:
One time we went to Aspen.

J.D.:
Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.

Neena Broderick:
Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'm going to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have affected his performance in any way.

Dr. Kelso:
[to Turk] You're a diabetic?

Turk:
Yes. I told you that.

Dr. Kelso:
I thought you were joking!

Turk:
How is that funny?

Dr. Kelso:
Well, it's a very serious disease, and I don't like you!

Turk (to J.D.):
I want you to stop seeing her.

J.D.:
Fine. But I'm only ending it because friends come first.

Carla:
Plus, you already had sex with her.

J.D.:
4 and a half times!

Dr. Cox (to Elliot):
Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.

Elliot:
Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...

Dr. Cox:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!

Dr. Cox:
Life is pointless, Gandhi, and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend 8 years and 200 G's trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall, and a bullseye on your back.

Carla:
(to Mr. Corman) Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw!

Carla:
Christopher Duncan Turk, you tell him how you really feel, just like you told me last night, or I will do it for you. (imitates Turk) "Baby! Why does he hurt me so bad?"

Neena:
So should we start this deposition, or do you boys just want to hand us a big bag of money?

Mr. Corman:
Big bag of money...

Turk:
You aren't going to freeze up around her again, are you, Ted?

Ted:
No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!

J.D. (narrating):
No matter how much we like to pretend otherwise, strong confident women will always have the power over us. Whether they're fighting for respect, fighting for their man, or even just fighting for the hell of it. Strong women make all guys feel the same way.

Murry:
[to his father] ...If you need a kidney you can have mine... for $70,000.

Dr. Cox:
I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.

Dr. Cox:
The good news is that, Murry and his dad are a match, kidney wise. The better news is that the test revealed a little secret that you're gonna wanna share with your new pal. Gregory isn't Murry's biological father! By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny, little moments.

J.D.:
Hey I just wanted to take a second to thank you, For constantly berating me doubting my abilities and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.

Dr. Cox:
My pleasure.

J.D. (narrating):
I couldn't decide whether I should tell Murray his dad wasn't his dad. Luckily hospitals are full of supportive colleagues eager to help.

Dr. Kelso:
Go tell that little bastard this second before he coughs a kidney up to his fake father and sues this hospital. Write that down in your little unicorn book.

J.D.:
It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head!

The Unicorn:
You know I'm a unicorn, why can't you just say it?

Mr. Marks (to J.D.):
Hey, I bought you a present.

J.D.:
Oh, my God, a journal!

Mr. Marks:
Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.

J.D. (narrating):
I can't wait to chronicle this one!

Elliot (to a cafeteria worker):
Do you have chocolate cake today?

Cafeteria Worker:
Nope.

Elliot:
Oh. Isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!

Turk:
Elliot, relax; I never get chocolate cake.

Elliot:
Oh, right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!

Murray (to J.D.):
Look, you obviously have some issues with your own father that you're projecting onto me, so why don't you go ahead and give him a jingle?

J.D. :
He's dead.

Murray:
Good stuff!

J.D. :
No I'm serious.

Murray:
Classic!

J.D. :
He had like a massive heart attack.

Murray:
I'm sorry for your loss.

J.D. (narrating):
Make the flesh and blood argument again, but in a different way.

J.D.:
Blood and flesh, Murray.

Murray:
I'll do it.

J.D. (narrating):
Jackpot!

Elliot:
I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club, I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.

Carla:
Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.

Jordan (to the security guard):
Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.

(The security guard grabs the keys and speeds off)

Jordan:
Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.

Elliot:
Hm. Very classy.

Jordan:
Don't judge me, stick. You do what you have to do to level the playing field.

Elliot:
Well, Carla and I would never behave that way.

Carla (holding a plate of chocolate cake):
Thank you.

Elliot:
How'd you get chocolate cake? He said they didn't have any!

Carla:
Oh. I just did like this (thrusts her cleavage) and said, "Got cake?"

J.D. (to Dr. Cox) :
Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!

Dr. Cox:
Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Like, say, he's got a son. Or he's 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover?

J.D. :
Ah, that's a horse with a sword on his head, and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

Turk (to Carla):
You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie. But in here, she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things. And you don't mess with the natural order!

Elliot:
Okay, so I tried to get some x-rays back from the lab tech by making a kissy face, and he asked me if I had palsy!

Jordan:
Elliot, if you want to get ahead, you have to use what God gave ya!

Carla:
Or in your case, what Dr. Fineberg gave you.

Jordan:
Exactly!

Turk (to Carla):
You have created a monster. Elliot did a little tongue dance in Franklyn's ear just to get him to do her labs before mine.

Carla:
So she used her femininity! The only reason you usually get your lab-work back so fast is because you always pick Franklyn to play basketball even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.

Elliot:
Oh, I'll just be a sec. Dave, can I get an orange soda? I'm so hot and thirsty.

Dave:
It's on me. (gives Elliot the orange soda)

Interviewer:
I'd like an orange soda too.

Dave:
Oh, I'm sorry, that was the last one. How sad.

Carla:
Okay! I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now. How we gonna fix this thing?

Janitor:
You're okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.

Carla:
Okay, here's the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.

Janitor:
I will.

Dr. Cox (to Mr. Marks about J.D.):
Boy, tell me about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice, and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.

Mr. Marks:
Do you wanna sing about him?

Dr. Cox:
No. Not ever.

J.D. (to Murray):
Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me, like every second of my life.

Murray:
Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father?

J.D.:
Remember? Recently deceased dad?

Murray:
Massive heart attack!

J.D. :
Yes! I mean, yes.

Carla:
Elliot, wait! Elliot, you did your flirty manipulation thing in front of that guy in there, and now, well, he kinda thinks you're this despicable floozy ho excuse for a doctor!

Janitor (to the interviewer:
Hey, buddy. I need you to reconsider Blonde Doctor. And I'm gonna tell you why. See, I'm the future Mr. Blonde Doctor? And I kinda need this to happen so that I can, uh... hey, over here. I need this to happen so that I can just hang out around the house and, you know, bake bread or... gab across the fence with neighbor Marge. Nice lady. Polish, I think. Doesn't matter, I'm not prejudiced.

Interviewer:
What the hell are you talking about?

Janitor:
Here's the thing: I need you to take this can of orange soda, turn, smile, and give Blonde Doctor a big thumb's up! Or, I'm gonna take the same orange soda, follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.

Elliot:
Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.

Dr. Cox:
Carla, have you seen Newbie?

Carla:
Oh, he got off your leash?

Dr. Cox:
Give me a break. The kid's like.... have you ever seen a drunk baby? It's a long story, involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say that it turns out at first it's endearing to watch them bounce of the walls, but man, you take your eyes off them for one second and bam! They've got a bucket on their head and they're plowing through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby.

J.D.:
Elliot, if you need any help, just ask Dr. Diagnosis. You can be my sidekick! Bangs McCoy!

Dr. Cox:
Saaaay... that was some real Nancy Drew work there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing!

J.D.:
Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.

Dr. Cox:
Did you somehow think that you weren't annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you ARE annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the Middleweight Annoyance Crown.

J.D.:
Well, you're the number one jealous weight for the jealous... weight jealous... champ.

Dr. Cox:
HE'S DONE IT! HE'S DONE IT! DORIAN IS THE MOST - ANNOYING - MAN - IN THE WORLD! WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT, A JOURNEYMAN ANNOYER LIKE DORIAN?... [trails off as he leaves the room]

J.D.:
You are a close second!

Dr. Cox:
Well?

Jordan:
It's blue. I'm not pregnant.

Dr. Cox:
Ohh.

Jordan:
You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel... kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I... kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know? [She notices Cox is no longer there.] Sweetie?

[Cut to Cox running down the middle of a busy road, deliriously happy.]

Dr. Cox:
SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT CAME OUT BLUE! IT'S BLUE! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT'S BLUE! IT CAME OUT BLUE!

Turk:
[as a leprechaun] Top o' the mizzle to ya, me nizzles!

Kylie:
I'm getting my Masters in Political Science.

J.D.:
I love politics, ask me anything. [narration] What are you doing? You don't know anything about politics. You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.

[Turk is sitting on a counter, waiting for Carla and holding her purse.]

Dr. Kelso:
What in the hell are you doing?

Turk:
I get to have sex!

Dr. Kelso:
I hate this place.

Turk:
Dude, the only difference between a black girl and a white girl is that when a black girl asks you if her ass looks big, you say, "Hell yeah!"

Danni:
Hey, grouchy pants! Do you wanna hang out?

Dr. Cox:
Does "hang out" mean choke you?

Dr. Cox:
So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional; his choice, not yours.

Turk:
This guy's in a coma.

Dr. Cox:
Not all of him.

Turk:
[After defeating Carla in arm wrestling] DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, CARLA?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!

Dr. Cox:
Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.

Jordan:
It's 27. Arkansas buckled.

J.D.:
I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.

Elliot:
Mm. When I was fifteen, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.

J.D.:
They let you stay?

Elliot:
Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for two years. I didn't have a lot of rules, though, because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.

Ron:
So, why do you wanna baby-sit my kid? You think I can't handle my own kid?

Dr. Cox:
No, that's not it at all. I think you're great with your kid. You're fantastic with your kid. In fact, in fact if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.

Ron:
Are we really doing this? 'Cause I'll baby-sit the hell outta your kid.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, bring it on, daddy.

Carla:
[frantic] Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste how are we going to raise our children? You know what? I'm going to stay with my sister!

Molly:
You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.

Elliot:
They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.

J.D.:
[narration] "Some guy"... I never get credit for anything!

J.D.:
Why can't Carla just let this go?

Elliot:
Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?

J.D.:
Yeah... but mostly because I had a husband.

Dr. Kelso:
Perry, you just go right ahead and say what you want, cause Dr. Bob Kelso is back in action and he hasn't missed a step. Now, where do we keep the sick people?

Dr. Kelso:
Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy

Turk:
Check out what I found when I was takin' out the trash! [Shown wearing a top hat]

J.D.:
That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. [voiceover] And I must have it!

Dr. Cox:
I need your help.

Elliot:
Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.

Dr. Cox:
What the hell does "boing" mean?

Elliot:
[pulling on one of Dr. Cox's curls and releasing it] Booiinnng.

Dr. Cox:
Oh God-this is gonna kill me.

Elliot:
How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?

Jake:
[to J.D., about Elliot] That girl's kinda cute, what's her story?

J.D.:
She's a dude.

Jake:
Yeah, huh.

J.D.:
Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.

Carla:
[about Dr. Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?

Elliot:
He doesn't have one.

Carla:
Exactly! But what does he have?

Elliot:
A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.

Cox:
Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!

J.D.:
Look, Elliot, I've got my own problems. I don't have time to deal with your little sex pickle.

Dr. Kelso:
[passing by in his Rascal motor-chair] Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.

J.D.:
I hate that thing!

[Elliot and Jake are about to sleep together for the first time]

Elliot:
I don't think we're going too fast at all. By the way, what do you do?

Jake:
I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.

Elliot:
[horrified] Ohh....

Jake:
I'm a real estate developer.

Elliot:
Oh, thank God!

Dr. Kelso:
Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.

Dr. Cox:
Bob, people have a private life and a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.

Dr. Kelso:
Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.

Dr. Cox:
Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...

Dr. Kelso:
Terence.

Dr. Cox:
...Terence, doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her. That used to be fine, when she just came by for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I weren't absolutely certain that Jordan would be waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.

Dr. Kelso:
I'm so glad you shared.

J.D.:
[narration] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it. [turns corner in the hallway to where Elliot and Carla are talking]

Elliot:
Carla, I can sense that you're upset. Talk to me!

J.D.:
[narration] OK, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive. [turns corner in the hallway to where Dr. Cox and Jordan are talking]

Dr. Cox:
Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.

J.D.:
[narration] Touché, magic hallway!