Scrubs, Season 6

[After Carla tells Elliot that she should talk to J.D.]

Elliot:
Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how everyone in this fricking hospital is having a baby except for me. I mean, [Points to Carla] having a baby, [Points to Turk] having a baby, [Points to Dr. Cox] having a second baby, [Points to a nurse] having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everybody knows! [Sees Dr. Beardface staring at her]. What're you looking at, Beardface? You want a kid? Because I swear to God, I will mount you right now!

Beardface:
It's Beardfacé, DAMMIT!

Patient:
I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do. Start a family. See the world.

Janitor:
Punch a whale.

Patient:
Nah, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.

Jesus figurine:
No abortions!

J.D.:
What if the parents are both drug addicts who'd neglect and abuse the child?

Jesus figurine:
Oh, in that case it would be OK.

J.D.:
Really?

Jesus figurine:
NO abortions! How are you not getting this?!

Jordan:
Anyway, I was thinking we need new table linens for the dining room. Well, not so much table linens as placemats. What do you think's prettier, burgundy or mauve?

Dr. Kelso:
[While Jordan continues to talk continuously] What the hell's with her?

Dr. Cox:
She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent treatment", because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk until I want to commit suicide treatment".

Dr. Kelso:
Sucks to be you.

Dr. Cox:
You have no idea. [Doctor Kelso walks off]

Jordan:
[is still talking as Doctor Cox starts eating his newspaper] What else do I need for that - OH! I need new pillow shams and I - I like cotton, but I think we should get a cotton blend because that's easier to clean and I hate ironing. Maybe we need a new housekeeper - maybe the housekeeper should come every single day now...

Turk:
I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina until she's 18!

Kim:
That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.

Turk:
Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious! [Points threateningly at Elliot, J.D. and Kim] Hm? Hm?! Hmmm?!?

J.D.:
It may have already come up.

Dr. Cox:
A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah-no. Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer. [slouches away]

Elliot:
Guys, guys, I got a good one. Is it me, or does...

Everyone:
[monotone] ...someone need to switch to decaf?

Turk:
Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.

Elliot:
You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask...

Everyone:
[monotone again] ...who are you and what have you done with Turk?

Elliot:
[shrieking] Stop finishing my awesome jokes!

J.D.:
[holding his ears] Oh my God!

J.D.:
[voiceover] The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing, is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr. Hedrick.

Dr. Hedrick:
Need help, old friend?

J.D.:
Oh yeah, her kidneys are failing, give her a pep talk, stat!

J.D.:
I can't believe you can get heart failure from being sad. How do you treat that?

[Cut to fantasy; a man is flatlining.]

J.D.:
This man is coding, get me a box of kittens, stat!

[J.D. tips the kittens over the man, who comes back to life and smiles.]

J.D. Possible side effects of kittens include sneezing, tiny scratches and erectile dysfunction.

[Cut back from fantasy.]

J.D.:
Wouldn't I be a great spokesman for things?

Dr. Cox:
[After Elliot turns a patient over to him.] You're giving orders to me? OMG Barboo, you make me want to LOL.

Elliot:
[Stares]

Dr. Cox:
I just discovered texting. I'm a little late in the game, I know, but that doesn't make you any more of a G-A-B-P-I-T-A-W-M-M-W-number two-D.

Elliot:
Excuse me?

Dr. Cox:
Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes Me Want To... Die.

[Keith is dressed in a one-piece wrestling outfit]

J.D.:
Hey, nice singlet! Does it come in hetero?

Elliot:
I haven't sung since the sixth grade talent show when I sang Pat Benatar's "Hell Is For Children". Then at the end, Mr. Shaman the emcee said "No, hell is for everyone who heard you sing that song." My mom was so mad at him that she slept with him and ruined his marriage.

J.D.:
[singing] You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!

Turk:
[to Mrs. Miller] Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.

Dr. Kelso:
Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".

Debbie:
[excitedly] Debbie is actually my name!

Dr. Kelso:
Then out of fairness to the others, you will be "Slagathor". Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.

Pvt. Dancer:
Even though no one ever comes, every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a bit better.

Dr. Kelso:
That's morphine.

Pvt. Dancer:
That explains it.

Dr. Cox:
You've been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's "Dorian".

Dr. Cox:
Gandhi, did you tell Jordan what I said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me!

Turk:
Relax, she's pregnant, what could she possibly do?

[Jack runs up to Dr. Cox]

Jack:
Man check!

[Jack punches Dr. Cox in the crotch and he falls to the floor in pain]

Jordan:
Good boy, Jack, good boy!

Turk:
He can't possibly make this my fault, right?

J.D.:
Dorian. Dammit, now I'm doing it! [Stepping over Dr. Cox] Careful, he's gone fetal.

Dr. Kelso:
My name is Bob Kelso, and I like whores. [pauses while the group stares] Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?

J.D.:
Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed [in a high falsetto] "I'll kill you bitches!", which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.

Dr. Kelso:
Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?

Ted:
Girlfriend's gonna get paid.

Elliot:
You have to help J.D.

Dr. Cox:
Any other day, I'd just say no, but today, I'm gonna go ahead and say... no.

Carla:
Elliot, you can't test love. When I met Turk, it seemed he was more in love with his best friend than with me.

Turk:
Honey, they've got that almond biscotti J.D. loves, so I was wondering if I can borrow some money so I can get him some.

Carla:
No, you got him a present yesterday.

Pvt. Dancer:
[about his physical therapist] Why don't you just ask her out?

J.D.:
Expertly flirting is one thing, but I just got out of a serious relationship. Plus, I'm a tent-dwelling poop-fainter who can't drive.

Pvt. Dancer:
I have a fiberglass skull.

J.D.:
It's always gotta be a competition with you, doesn't it?

J.D.:
[voiceover] Suddenly, all of our memories of the last six years came flooding back, like a clip show in some sitcom too lazy to come up with a fresh story.

J.D.:
Wow, it has been an amazing six years. I wouldn't change any of it, would you guys?

Dr. Cox:
I'd damn sure change this moment, and any other moment that was even remotely like this moment. [leaves]

J.D.:
Hey, Turk...

Turk:
I'm not giving you a hug.

J.D.:
[narration] I hate this place.

Dr. Cox:
I mean, what the hell? If I wanted my patients to be more depressed I'd just have them read Newbie's latest blog entry.

J.D.:
"Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome."

Turk:
Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, "it's over Turk... Michael Jordan's career is over."

Dr. Cox:
Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?

J.D.:
Is he the black golfer?

Man:
Hey Grandpa, a little help.

Dr. Kelso:
Here you go, sport. But call me "Grandpa" again and you and I are going to play a little game called "hide the wingtip". There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.

Elliot:
Oh, and FYI, I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy. Except for when they are really vague and generic.

J.D.:
[voiceover] And so in the end I knew what Elliot said about the way things were had forever changed the way we all thought about them.

Ted:
[About Heather] I'd let her give me a bath. I don't care if my mom was watching.

Dr. Cox:
Okay, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work, is there anything else I can do for you?

Jordan:
I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen. I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring, because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear, and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner!

Dr. Cox:
But, when will I have time to kill myself?

Jordan:
Well, that's not my problem!

Dr. Cox:
I am not telling anyone that my daughter has been born.

J.D..:
But you just told Jordan that you're gonna...

Dr Cox:
Yes, and that's what we call a lie, or, when you're married, communication.

Carla:
[to Laverne] Wow. I'm still not ready to do this. It's gonna be so weird not having you by my side everyday. Making fun of the doctors. Going on and on about Jesus; man, I hope he's real or you're gonna be pissed. Remember my first day? When that patient came in and started bleeding out on me. I was so shocked I could barely move. But you stood by my side. And you guided me through it. And then you did the most amazing thing of all: you made me laugh. [chokes up] For the last 15 years you've been my role model, but most of all you've been my friend. And I don't know what else to say, but [crying] I'm really, really gonna miss you. Good-bye.

Lonnie:
Dr. Cox!

Dr. Kelso:
You might want to knock, he's in an imaginary glass bubble.

[Lonnie knocks]

Dr. Cox:
[pantomimes opening a window] What?

Lonnie:
[looking down at Dr. Cox] I need help with a patient.

Dr. Cox:
Twenty minutes.

Lonnie:
[begins to walk away, turns around] Hey, how long does it take for an old woman to slowly bleed to death?

Turk:
How do you know sign language?

Janitor:
Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for "thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked 'em big and hairy.

The Todd:
Join the club, playa.

Janitor:
Get away.

The Todd:
[shrugs] Okay. [leaves]

Janitor:
So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself, because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.

J.D.:
Is any of that true?

Janitor:
Someone would have to read it back to me.

J.D.:
If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed! I can't even imagine how I'd try.

[J.D. begins to enter a fantasy; however, the show's viewpoint remains in the real world]

The Todd:
[voiceover] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.

J.D.:
We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!

The Todd:
That's helpful.

Dr. Kelso:
What are you thinking, Ted?

Ted:
[voiceover] I could jam this [knife] through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in to stop me... [to Kelso] The usual, sir.

Dr. Kelso:
Well, you'd never do it; you don't have the guts.

[Carla and the nurses walk in]

Carla:
If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.

Dr. Kelso:
Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems any more? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz...

Carla:
Unfortunately for you, someone left this invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. And they're really undercharging you! So, either you shell out the extra 20 grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.

Dr. Kelso:
[angrily] Ted, are you responsible for this?

Ted:
[expressionless] Please, sir. I don't have the guts. [voiceover, deliriously happy] Oh yeah! Suck it bitch! I will murder you!

Melody:
Of course, we could make out.

[J.D. looks at her, surprised]

Melody:
Yeah, I know it's a little bit trampy but, what the hell, so am I.

Turk:
Does heart trouble run in your family?

Patient:
My uncle was shot in the heart.

The Todd:
Hey, guys. I hear there's a Steel Magnolia in room 309 that needs a little pruning.

Turk:
Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.

The Todd:
The Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age or disability.

[Keith has just proposed to Elliot]

J.D.:
[voiceover] As I looked at all the relationships around me... Some that had gone on forever... some that were reigniting... and some that had just begun... I realized something: It should have been me.

[J.D. has just found out Kim did not miscarry their child]

J.D.:
Were you ever planning on telling me?

Kim:
Yes, but I didn't know what to say.

J.D.:
How about: "J.D., I think there might be something living inside my uterus."

Janitor:
Ah, hey everyone. I've been looking for a new roleplaying game ever since my Lord Of The Rings club booted me for using an actual warhammer, so would anyone mind if I pretended to be Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town?

Everyone:
[unison approval]

Janitor:
[suddenly dressed as a doctor] Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish!

Turk:
Before Izzy was born, if I saw a half-eaten meatball sub in the trash you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it! But now, I'm not risking my health eating trash-food. I mean, unless it's a corn dog.

Dr. Cox:
Thank God you've procreated.

Dr. Cox:
I've seen the Wiggles live in concert... twice.

Turk:
Did they perform "Big Red Car"?

Dr. Cox:
They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.

Turk:
Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful bulldog of a lawyer, or you can talk to Ted, who, well-

Ted:
My mom calls me Thunder.

Jen:
I'm going to go with the less shiny one.

Jim:
Tough break there, Thunder.

Ted:
YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!

[Jordan has forced Dr. Cox and Jack to dress in identical outfits]

Jordan:
Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.

Dr. Cox:
Jordan, I hate this.

Dr. Kelso:
Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.

[Dr. Cox puts his hands on his head, and Jack copies him]

Dr. Cox:
Up yours, Bobbo.

Jack:
Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!

[Awkward pause]

Dr. Cox:
Outstanding.